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“You look happier.” Anthony remarked, walking past him, and giving him a friendly pat on the shoulder. Loki smiled at him genuinely, long stopping the useless pretence. He liked the man, and he was answering in kind. Thus, there was no need in growling at him nor pushing him away, like he did the rest.
Anthony truly wished to connect with him, and Loki, despite his many flaws and inborn aloofness, was awfully tired of being alone. After all, solitude is great only when one has somebody to tell all about its glory.
“All thanks go to my generous host.” Loki remarked flirtatiously, getting a thrill when those appealing brown eyes clouded with pleasure.
“I’m happy to please you, my prince.” Anthony flirted right back, without missing a bit. Loki had to control the wave of pleasure that covered him, so, it didn’t show on his cheeks in rosy hue, because Loki might have missed the stop and blurred the lines between friendship and something else, utterly so, that he might already lost his heart to the man, but Anthony hasn’t.
Anthony smiled at him understandingly and left Loki to his own devices, disappearing in the crowd. Loki appreciated the consideration.
He probably was in love. He even might get a chance to be with the man he wanted, but Loki was reluctant. For all the brashness and arrogance, he portrayed, he was cripplingly insecure.
It stuck, the whispers and slight.
Loki fought vigorously against the unfair treatment and used every trick he possessed to convince the world and himself that he was worthy and failed spectacularly.
One word it took to shatter him, and he fell. What happened afterwards did not exactly helped to improve his mental state.
The dreams of his own demise still put a peaceful smile on his face. He knew it was wrong to think, like that, but there were days when he longed for it to end. He craved eternal peace. He wanted to be left the fuck alone. He didn’t wish to think anymore, to pretend he was something he is not. He wanted to break down and scream, till his throat went dry and body could not produce any sound, so he is blissfully empty and numb.
Loki did not wish to come out and speak, play, smile. He found it impossibly hard to keep it together. He did not wish to keep it together. He was tired of hearing that it would become better, that all he needed was to get over it, to be stronger, to take a grip on himself. He was not at fault for fucks sake. Why nobody took a responsibility for what was done to him!?
Because no one wanted to admit that they have made a mistake. It was easier to blame him. He was emotionally unstable. He was driven mad by his own greed and jealousy. He was the one who could not accept his place and was lost in illusions. He was at fault – no one else!
But it was not true! He deserved an apology. Of course, what he had done could not be considered sane. He was ready to admit that. He admitted that; that was why he was here with Anthony, and not rotting in the Asgardian’s dungeons. He did the right thing. He made the first step, and they spewed in his face, denying him closure.
It hurt. It drove him mad with fury. He wanted to decapitate Odin and yell at Frigga. Maybe break Thor’s spine for good measure, so they would feel a fraction of pain he experienced. However, he could not.
He was sent to Midgard to repent. For what exactly? For showing obedient loyalty. For trying to prove he was not an enemy. For protecting Midgard from mad Titan. For surviving horrors of the void and Titan’s tortures. For being him.
His worst crime was being born, and his birth-right was to die. Maybe it was time to claim it.
“Hey, rock of ages, I think you had enough.”
Loki blinked and the world around roared. He was overwhelmed for a moment.
His surroundings appeared unreal – the soft, warm light, the wooden-palette, pleasantly sweet cologne, that teased his senses and awoke desire, and the most illusionary, a gentle touch and concerned gaze.
Loki could not have been graced with such open care, especially coming from a man he wanted. Loki had crossed Anthony. He had attacked him and devastated his home. Anthony could not have forgiven him. It was not real.
Loki’s breath stuck in his throat, and his heart jumped, acquiring erratic tempo. It became hot. Loki could not stop the spiralling of his mind. The void laughed harshly and took him over. He was falling again.
<***>
Loki came to at dawn. He was disoriented and felt drained.
Embarrassment burnt his mind, and his pride squalled under the assault. He could not believe he had an episode in the middle of the party. Nines, he was appalling. Anthony would never invite him again.
“Lokes, don’t, please. At least look at me. Give yourself five minutes to breath before you beat yourself up for nothing, might I add.” Anthony drawled amusedly.
It might appear inconsiderate to others, and in the beginning, some of them had the gall to reprimand Anthony for it, but Loki had expressed, quite harshly, his displeasure with their unneeded and unwanted interruptions, and since then they let them be.
Loki cherished Anthony’s carefree attitude that did not demand from him anything. Anthony was there. Anthony did not sugar-coat it. Anthony did not care how bad Loki was scarred or how low he has fallen, and, most importantly Anthony did not expect him to rise or pretend that nothing happened. If Loki so wished he could lie on the floor and sob miserably, and Anthony would not hold it against him, and would not think him weak.
He would tease Loki about it, though. He would make jokes, until Loki would retaliate and the whole experience would become something to laugh at privately.
Anthony would also let Loki see him at his lowest and allow him to return the favour. By now they gathered many jokes about their mishaps; and this would be another one if it happened in private. Unfortunately, Loki made a fool of himself publicly. It would be a hard pill to swallow.
“I apologise.” Loki said earnestly. He was sorry for putting Anthony in such a position.
“Pfff, what are you apologising for, Lokes? If anything, I should thank you – my popularity skyrocketed, after they saw a God swooning over me.” Anthony remarked, grinning at him mischievously.
“What did you do Anthony?” Loki asked horrified. It was not good. Not at all.
“I’ll show you. J.” Anthony called.
A holographic screen flickered to life before them.
Loki saw himself standing near the bar, his eyes glassy and distant. He saw the moment he lost the sense of reality. A glass in his hands shattered and pierced his skin. The blood was trickling down his fingers and palm, but he kept squeezing it.
Thankfully, guests did not pay him much attention, and a moment later, Anthony came close to him. He looked concerned, and was asking what the matter was, but Loki was oblivious to him.
Fairly quickly, Anthony got the problem. He coaxed Loki’s hand open and hissed in sympathy, covering it with his, and laying it around his waist. Then he said loudly: “Hey, rock of ages, I think you had enough.” His voice was laughing and teasing. Loki was still unresponsive. Anthony tugged him close and walked them towards the elevator. Their embrace looked quite intimate. Loki was draped all over Anthony, thus, many would think that Anthony simply guided his drunken lover upstairs.
The video stopped, when they entered the elevator and Loki slumped heavily on Anthony, tipping him over.
Anthony laughed, asking Jarvis to erase the screen.
“You’re much heavier than you look, Lokes. Not that I minded being under you or anything.”
“This is not a joking matter, Anthony. Now the whole world thinks that we are lovers.”
“And?” He asked unconcerned about it.
“Anthony, it’s me we are talking about. I am…” Loki started, but the words stuck in his throat. He knew it was the right thing to do, but he wanted this for a time now, and it was hard to refuse it, even if it was a ruse made to save his reputation.
“You are a God, Lokes, and that’s that.” Anthony said sternly. “We would end up here anyway. Granted, I was planning to do it with more finesse, but what is done is done. The question is: would I need to fabricate a break-up story, or you let us make this a reality?”
“This cannot be real.” Loki whispered, his head getting dizzy and distant.
“It is. Look Loki.” Anthony asked softly and pointed to the left side.
Loki turned his head and looked at his and Anthony’s reflection in the mirror. Loki appeared gaunt and tired, sitting in the bed, with haunting look in his green eyes, and Anthony was softly smiling at him, moving closer and embracing loosely.
“I am here. You are here. This is happening.”
Loki slumped, giving in, repeating.
“I am here. You are here. This is happening.”
“And anyways, you could not conjure such a detailed image of me. You did not have enough information back then, yeah?”
“I definitely would not have imagined myself, stranded on a backwards planet, in love with an arrogant mortal.” Loki snarked, snuggling into his soon-to-be lover.
Anthony’s hold on him tightened, and he kissed the crown of Loki’s head.
“I’m glad you’re not living in the illusions, and instead are here with me.”
“Yeah.” Loki agreed, closing his eyes, and letting the world fade.
<***>
Loki was woken up by the angry hisses, coming from the other side of the door. He did not intend to eavesdrop, but his enchanted hearing and unavoidable curiosity, where Anthony was concerned, left him little choice.
“Tony, we have no right to interfere with your private affairs…” Captain spoke calmly, but disapprovingly, to be harshly cut by Anthony.
“Damn right, you don’t!”
“However, we felt the need to point out that Loki is not the best choice, if not to say wrong. We are concerned for you. Can we talk it through?”
“I hear you, Cap.” Anthony agreed, and Loki’s heart leaped to his throat, dark voices cackling in his mind, telling him that they were right. “The way I see it, you either back off and we live happily ever after, or you fuck off and we still live happily ever after.”
“Tony, that’s not how compromises work.” Steve reprimanded.
“Who said anything about compromises? It’s an ultimatum.” Anthony declared. Loki calmed. It was impossible to believe but Anthony was choosing him.
A tense silence settled for a bit. Loki imagined Anthony starring the Captain down, daring him to go against his wishes.
“All right, Tony. I hope you won’t regret it.” The Captain gave in.
“If I do, I can always ask you lot to leave. No biggie.” Tony answered nonchalantly.
Then there was silence again, and after hush footsteps, coming near the bedroom. Loki had a few seconds to decide on the course of action, but only one came to mind, and this time around Loki hadn’t got the will power to refuse the impulse.
Tony opened the door quietly, hoping the impromptu shouting match with Cap did not disturb the God. Tony’s hopes shattered, when upon opening the door, he met with the sight of Loki.
Loki’s hair was tousled, his gaze was tired, there were dark circles underneath his eyes, and his body looked, like it did not have enough nourishment, and yet, Loki was the most gorgeous being Tony ever laid eyes on.
“Hey.” Tony murmured, not knowing how to breach the subject.
“Morrow.” Loki answered and moved, invading Tony’s space. Tony blinked, surprised, and then Loki was kissing him.
Tony’s head spun from the gentleness, and open emotions that sipped into the cares.
They fell apart reluctantly, still lingering close.
“I love this reality more than I ever loved any of my illusions.” Loki confessed softly. Tony’s breath hitched from the emotions that he felt and could read in Loki’s gaze.
“And I love you more than I ever loved anything.” Tony answered. The confession did not come easily, but it felt right.
Loki smiled brightly. Happiness plainly read in his features.
“Even more than your suit?” Loki teased.
“Just a tinsy bit more.” Tony quipped.
“Liar.” Loki responded fondly.
“Yours, thought.” Tony confirmed confidently.
“Mine.” Loki whispered in awe.