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The first time Theo shifted, he was fucking terrified. How could he not be? He was ten. He didn't understand any of it – where he was or what was happening to him. All he knew was that his body was rearranging itself without his consent, bones lengthening and shortening, skin splitting and fusing back together, foreign teeth springing from torn-up gums.
It hurt. Of course it hurt. You can't become a whole new thing without hurting.
He opened his mouth to scream, but the sound he made was so brutal, so beastly, so wrong, ripped from him like an internal suture. He couldn't talk. Couldn't say "what is this" or "it hurts" or "please make it stop." Not that it would've made any difference to the ghouls looming wordlessly over him, glass and metal reflecting his own horrified, unfamiliar face. No room for sympathy. No capacity.
And Theo tried to crawl away, because that's what animals do when they're scared, but three sets of gloved hands held him firmly in place. This was a science experiment, after all, and the data had to be recorded. That's all Theo was, really. Data to be recorded.
They poked, and prodded, and stuck him with scalpels. Looking back on it, Theo would realize that they were testing his healing abilities, but at the time, all he knew was that they were hurting him. Again. And again. And again. But hadn't he asked for it?
Yeah. You asked for it.
Like most things, shifting became more manageable with time. By his twelfth birthday Theo could slip from one form to the other with ease, as if it were something natural and not an affront to both science and God.
The first chimera.
But even when the Doctors were calling him a success, it didn't feel like he was succeeding. It felt like he was walking an endless tightrope of survival. Every day, every hour, every damn second, fighting tooth and nail to keep his head off the chopping block. He'd come too fucking far to be euthanized like an inconvenient animal and dumped in an unmarked grave, insignificant and alone. Way too fucking far.
Unbeknownst to his younger self, he wouldn't always live that way, constantly scrambling to stay afloat no matter the cost. These days, it was enough just to stand and feel the sun on his face, or pet a stray cat on the street. It helped that there were people who cared about him now – people like Liam, who trusted him enough to call late at night asking for help.
"I need a favor," Liam announced over the phone on one night in particular. It was 2AM and Theo had been fast asleep moments earlier, but after glimpsing the caller ID, he'd figured it was worth answering.
"What kind of favor?" Theo mumbled back, clutching the phone to his ear with one hand and rubbing his sandy eyes with the other.
"There's this wolf running around the Preserve, and Parrish and I think it might be that twelve-year-old girl who went missing a few days ago."
Theo's forehead creased. "Based on what?"
"The smell. And the weirdass behavior."
"Be more specific."
"It's like... Somebody who's freaking out 'cause they're trapped in an animal's body."
Something stirred in the box in Theo's mind – the box where he shoved every alteration, every dissection, soggy on the bottom from all the blood. Sometimes the memories chewed their way out and crawled around under his skin like parasites.
Normally, when the past started to rattle its miserable cage, Theo would plug his ears and turn away. But this time was different. This time, somebody – a kid – needed his help.
"I'll be there in ten," Theo murmured decisively, and hung up.
Fortunately for Theo, the Preserve was only a few blocks from his shithole apartment. His headlights washed over Liam and Parrish when he pulled up, and they turned to wave at him, squinting against the beams. Theo parked and hopped out, the smell of anxiety already hitting his nose, sour and unmistakable.
"Where is she?" he asked as soon as he reached them, hands stuffed in his pockets. Liam was worrying at his lip, clearly stressed out of his fucking mind. Theo couldn't help but think that, one of these days, Liam's big, stupid heart would crush all his other organs. But maybe that's why Theo liked the kid so much in the first place.
Not that he'd ever say that out loud.
Liam pointed wordlessly ahead, towards the treeline. Theo squinted and noticed a pair of yellow eyes peering out at them from the underbrush, round and shiny with fear.
"And you think this is some missing kid?" Theo asked after a beat.
"Riley Wilson," Parrish clarified. "Went missing last Thursday. Her parents are pretty freaked out."
"Every time we try to get near her she bolts," Liam added, making Theo snort.
"And you think she'll make an exception for me?"
"Maybe," Liam said with a shrug. "You're... Like her, I guess."
Theo blinked, stealing another glance at the eyes glinting in the dark. So similar to the ones that had been reflected back at him, mirrored in those masks that still flickered in his peripheral vision. Did this kid have a box, too? A box for all the flickering ghosts? He hoped not. He didn't know her, and yet he knew all too well. He'd gladly make her feel a little less scared in a world where you either got lucky or got left behind.
If only someone had done the same for him all those years ago.
If only.
Slowly but surely, Theo started moving in her direction, approaching the treeline with his hands raised. Her eyes didn't leave him for a second, damn near burning holes in his face. Theo couldn't blame her.
"Riley?" he tried, as softly as he could manage. He still hadn't mastered the whole 'comforting presence' thing. "I know you're pretty freaked out, and I get it. The first time I shifted, I was scared, too. I just wanna help."
The bushes rustled as Riley started to slowly back away, unconvinced. Theo couldn't blame her for that, either – at her age, he would've backed away, too. So he stopped moving forward, hands still raised.
"It's okay," he assured her. "I'm not gonna hurt you. I know this is all super weird. But the important thing is, you're not alone out here. Right?"
Seeming to consider this, she stayed perfectly still. Waiting.
"It's freaky, right? Not being able to talk," Theo continued, because he remembered it: trying so desperately to pray, to plead, to speak, only to make the garbled sounds of an animal. He'd gotten used to it after awhile. He'd gotten used to a lot of shit after awhile. Shit that never should've happened to him in the first place. Not to a kid.
But you asked for it, remember?
The yellow eyes just kept burning into him, like lanterns calling him back to the wasteland of his childhood. Theo lowered himself, sitting on the ground with his legs crossed. Tried to seem small. Gentle.
"You'll be okay," he murmured, extending a hand towards her. "Just let us help you, all right? You don't have to go through this shit by yourself."
And for a moment, everything was perfectly still. The eyes burned. Theo waited. He'd wait as long as she needed.
Then the bushes rustled, and Riley crept forward into the moonlight, looking painfully small. She hesitated before bumping her head gingerly against Theo's hand, making him crack a smile. He ran his fingers through the thick fur of her cheek and smiled even wider when she let out a soft rumble, relaxing against his touch.
And Theo thought of the hands that had held him down, the cold metal of examination tables permafreezing his insides. He thought of how being reached for had become synonymous with syringes and scalpels. Thought, I don't want anyone else to grow up like that. Like me.
As if glimpsing the memories sealed behind his eyes, Riley jolted away with a yelp, and Theo worried he'd done something wrong. But when he watched her stagger backwards, muscle and bone shifting like tectonic plates under her skin, he realized she was finally changing back. Flattening herself against the earth, she covered her face with her paws and trembled. There wasn't much else she could do.
"It'll be over soon," Theo assured her, because there wasn't much else he could do, either. His chest twinged when she cried out in fear and pain, the sound of it prodding that box of old wounds. Eventually the cries became more human, and Theo found an actual girl huddled in front of him, mousy hair peppered with dead leaves and skin flecked with dirt.
Theo hurried to shrug off his hoodie and wrap it around her, mumbling, "You okay, kid?"
Riley looked up at him, dark eyes glassy with tears, and croaked, "I wanna see my parents."
Theo just nodded and helped Riley to her feet, leading her over to Parrish and Liam. Admittedly, he'd sort of forgotten they were there, too preoccupied to remember he'd had an audience. But he acknowledged them now by murmuring, "Take her home."
"Of course," Parrish said softly, looking more relieved than Theo had ever seen him. "Glad to see you're okay, Riley. I'll bring you to your parents, all right? They've been pretty worried."
Riley nodded stiffly and started trailing after Parrish to the police cruiser, only to stop and peer over her shoulder at Theo.
"Thanks," she said after a beat. It was all she needed to say.
Theo shrugged and said, "Don't mention it."
Once the cruiser had pulled away with Riley tucked safely inside, Liam looked over at Theo and said, "That was really cool of you."
"What was?" Theo asked, brows knitting together.
"All of it, man."
Theo shrugged. He hadn't done anything particularly cool. He'd just done what he could.
"No, seriously. It was like... I dunno. Like watching magic happen," Liam insisted, making Theo roll his eyes. Liam studied him for a moment before softly adding, "I'm proud of you."
The last part made his heart stutter, but Theo just snorted. Brushed it off like he always did. "For what?"
Liam blinked, searching Theo's face with big, earnest eyes. "It's hard to change."
Theo looked away, almost embarrassed. Liam had a talent for making him feel like an open, oozing wound, stripping him naked with no effort at all. Liam with all his simplicity and sincerity. Theo should've resented him for it.
He didn't.
"I'm sorry that you were alone," Liam said when Theo's stubborn silence persisted. "When you first started shifting, I mean. That must've been scary."
"The Doctors were there," Theo pointed out matter-of-factly, brushing off the ugly truth of his childhood like it was nothing but dust. But this was Liam, and Liam looked straight through Theo's bullshit. Always.
"You know what I mean," Liam murmured. "When I got turned, it fucking sucked, but I had Scott. I had, like, a pack."
"Way to rub it in, Liam."
Liam's face blanched immediately. "No! No, I didn't mean–"
"I'm kidding," Theo interrupted, mouth twitching fondly. "Yeah, of course it would've been nice to have a friend when I was being experimented on. But I've got friends now, so I guess everything worked out."
Liam's momentary panic quickly melted into something that Theo was too scared to put a name to. Too disbelieving. But maybe someday he'd hold it in his hands, hold it close, and see it for what it was.
He was still growing, after all. Still learning.
"Theo?" Liam said after a beat, a little sheepish.
"Yeah?"
"Can you give me a ride home?"
Theo rolled his eyes and shoved Liam toward the truck. "C'mon, then."