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Feelings are messy things, emotional, irrational and strange, complicated and indescribable even at the best of times. And, as Yusuke's come to learn, it doesn't matter how old your are, or how many times you've come back to life, feelings and dealing with them doesn't get any less complicated.
And okay, Yusuke would be the first to admit that he doesn't exactly have a stellar track record when it comes to dealing with emotions in a healthy manner, but he's come a long way since he was fourteen years old and he couldn't even bear to admit that Genkai had kicked the bucket. And the old hag really said it best, he's got a fifty-foot wall of crap between him and his emotions. A coping mechanism which, in retrospect, was really fucking stupid as well as life threatening, they'd actually had to fake Kuwabara's death to get him to see through his own bullshit for Koenma's sake.
That's not to say that there was no reason for walling himself off the way he did, there were, several in fact. One took the shape of absence, of his no-show father, the other was his lush of a mother and there were tons more, some that hung off his shoulders like his second hand clothes, that spread like the water stains on his bedroom ceiling and scuttled in the night like the roaches in the kitchen. It was easier to pretend like everything was alright than to acknowledge the empty ache in his chest, easier than feeling the ugly flush of envy at seeing other kids show off their comic books and shiny new sneakers. Putting up walls, it's what kept him sane, relatively whole rather than a shattered mess, it's the kind of habit you fall into when you grow up learning how to make instant ramen instead of your alphabet, the kind of thing born of too many nights waking up alone, too many evenings holding his mom's hair out of her face when she's bent over the toilet. He didn't have much growing up, but he had his fists and he learned how to use 'em.
The big goddamn wall he built around his heart might have been stupid, but back then, it was necessary, a question of survival and it may not have been healthy but at least he's learned when to let it down and be honest with himself. He's learned to cope. It's probably why he can at least admit that he's a little bit in love with a certain elusive fire demon.
Hiei.
The phrase healthy coping doesn't belong in any sentence that regards Hiei, unless it's accompanied with the words not or absolute opposite . Yusuke's never met anyone as emotionally repressed as the jagan user, emotional repression practically leaks from his pores. Hiei's usual method for dealing with things of an emotional nature is to run away, usually as far and as fast as he physically can. And even when he doesn't outright run, the small demon tends to hold everything at arms length, his refusal to reveal his identity to Yukina, the way he denies caring about any of the people that would tentatively call him a friend, his dismissive grumbling aside, Yusuke knows Hiei cares way more than he'd ever let on, the comically outraged almost offended expression on his face whenever he's called out on his bullshit is proof enough.
It would be hilarious, if it weren't so fucking sad.
But tragic emotional constipation aside, the juxtaposition of Hiei's unique devotion to those he considers his own and his standoffish behaviour is probably one of the reasons Yusuke's so attracted to him. The challenge of getting through that defensive demeanour may have been what attracted him in the first place but that doesn't make the task of having an "emotional" talk with the demon any less daunting.
So here's the thing, Yusuke Urameshi is kind of an insatiable selfish punk, it could be the demon blood or something but he's kinda past making excuses at this point, he's still him. Anyways, the point here is that he's not easily satisfied, something he still struggled with when he was fourteen and skipping class to roam the streets and hunt for trouble, but he's not that kid anymore, a whole lot of shit has happened since then and he's changed a whole lot too and mostly for the better (though that's still kind of up for debate depending on who you ask). Most people, though it's already been established that he isn't most people, are perfectly content to find the romantically cliched one and only, settle down and live out the rest of their lives in domestic monogamy devoid of any explosions, demonic fighting tournaments or annoying child gods. And some days Yusuke envies all those dumb bastards who get to live in blissful ignorance of the wars raging right over their heads, but at the same time he knows he'd never quit it if he could, knows with the same fierce certainty that burned in him when proposed to Keiko that first time. And for most people, having a girl like Keiko would be more than enough, but well Yusuke's just selfish and he didn't just stop at finding the girl he wanted to marry, he also found himself a self-declared rival turned boyfriend through what was probably a painfully awkward series of uncomfortable silences, half mumbled confessions, fist fights and clumsy kisses.
So Yusuke Urameshi has a cute book smart fiancée and a gentle rough knuckled oaf of a boyfriend, that's two partners which is statistically above average, a situation he isn't very familiar with considering most of his school career was spent skirting the line between below and almost average. Being in a relationship with two people should theoretically be enough, but Yusuke's never really had a head for theory or for stopping when he's theoretically had enough, so armed with the blessings of both his boyfriend and his fiancée he's set his sights on a long time crush, or more specifically, two of them.
Kurama is something else, and no Yusuke isn't just referring to the whole legendary-thousand-year-old-demon-fox-reincarnated-in-a-human-child-thing. Yusuke's always found Kurama oddly calming, maybe it's the way he always smells of roses, of earth and spring forests and something else, something darker, something that carries the scent of Makai's wind, of blood and of power, of home. Kurama, mysterious though he may be is still very frank, strong, cunning and beautiful. He exudes power, the ruthless thief, but at the same time he is vulnerable, there is a softness perhaps-no soft isn't a word Yusuke would ever use to describe the fox, but there is heart, there is good, if the way he loves his mother is anything to go by. Kurama is an enigma, green eyes, red hair and thorns that can rip through flesh. And Yusuke trusts him, despite his secrets, Kurama is loyal in his friendship and somehow he has all the answers.
He's the one Yusuke goes to when he needs advice on some demon politics, or just when he needs someone to talk to. He was the first one Yusuke went to in those months after his return from Makai, when he was struggling to fit into the image of the man he was expected to be, when he was failing to be the boyfriend that Keiko and Kuwabara wanted, when he was certain that the itch under his skin was from the wrongness of the air and not the way people called him "young man" all the time. Realizing that he wasn't a man, that the boyfriend Keiko had pictured wasn't him, that he was...well he wasn't-isn't a girl, he's just...he's more masculine definitely but he's not a guy, he's somewhere between the two, not really one or the other, he's just...he's Yusuke Urameshi, he has a gorgeous fiancée and a fantastic boyfriend and some days he wears boxers and "borrowed" Megallica t-shirts and some days he wears skirts at home and steals his girlfriend's underwear and he kicks a hell of a lot of ass. It wasn't easy figuring all that gender stuff out, it didn't happen overnight, heck, it took him dying twice and awakening his demon blood to realize that the gender binary can go fuck itself.
Kurama was indispensable, a goddamn lifesaver really. He'd been frustrated, confused and angry at a problem he just couldn't place. It had been eating at him for months, gnawing at his insides, festering like a wound, an infection he had no clue how to treat. Unsure of who to turn to (in hindsight his best bet probably would've been Shizuru who would've given him one look and put a name, gender dysphoria, to the itch beneath his skin), he'd gone to Kurama because anything that set his teeth on edge so much had to be demonic in nature. The fox and all his insight would surely be able to help, or at least soothe some of the ache, some of the wrongness. Kurama with his soft spoken voice and long words, ones Yusuke could never stand hearing from teachers, but could never hear enough coming from the redhead. Kurama had been kind, helpful, informative and patient. What Yusuke wanted, what he'd needed was some confirmation that he wasn't going crazy and maybe the fact that as far as demons were concerned gender was something rather secondary, which made sense for a world where the inhabitants were more interested in how hard they punched than what they had in their pants. Sitting in Kurama's living room amidst a veritable greenhouse of potted plants, a cup of fancy herbal tea cooling in his hands and Kurama tucked on the small couch beside him, their knees just barely touching, Yusuke Urameshi sees a future that really isn't so bleak.
Yusuke can't really say how long he's loved him, he's only been in love with Kurama for what feels like a few months, he's not sure when it shifted, but Yusuke's always been attracted to him, fair skinned and blood red hair, holding himself so elegantly, like he's the prince girls make him out to be and-Koenma he wants to gag, he's starting to sound like one of Kurama's fangirls. But the point being, Yusuke's always found Kurama's looks appealing. Kurama is beautiful in a deadly kind of way, a precise kind of beauty that strikes you right between the eyes and leaves you dazed and bleeding on the floor before you can even piece together what hit you. And Yusuke's been struck, hit sharply, quick and hard like an opponent on the wrong side of Kurama's rose thorn whip.
There should be no reason for Yusuke to have held back for so long, to have put his feelings aside for so many years, except if he's being honest (and he's been getting pretty good at it lately) there really is. A whole lot of it has to do with time, or more specifically timing. There was that whole thing with Kurama's mom and the Forlorn Hope then the fight with Hiei and Yusuke started training with Genkai and didn't see him again till the Maze Castle case and then they went off to rescue Yukina where he met Toguro which led to more training and The Dark Tournament which was kind of a nightmare and in between there was him and Keiko and then Kuwabara too, but then Sensui happened and everything went to Hell (literally) and then Yusuke died and came back again, but as a demon this time and then there were crazy demon politics and kings and Yusuke ended up spending years in Makai and when he came back there was Keiko again and with the general chaos that was his life acting on his crush (okay, it was probably more than just a crush) seemed more than a little unlikely and that was without factoring Hiei into the equation.
Because Kurama and Hiei have been involved for as long as Yusuke has known them, and by involved he means the demon equivalent of being totally married. If Kurama's introduction as his partner hadn't been clear enough, the way they'd acted around each other was enough for Yusuke to suss out the true nature of their relationship, even back in the early days. There was just something about the way Hiei would not so subtly watch Kurama out of the corner of his eye and the hint of pride in his voice whenever he spoke of the fox. Kurama was a bit harder to read, but the undeniable look of fondness that would flash across his face whenever Hiei dared grace them with his presence was enough of a tell to go by.
An abridged version of Yusuke's current conundrum was summarized by Shizuru as "get your pathetic puppy crush under control" and it's pretty telling of how desperate the situation really is that Yusuke actually agrees with her. Because he's kind of been crushing on two of his best friends since he was fifteen and it's been years, so yeah Yusuke kind of owes it to himself and them to be honest about...well about how badly he wants to kiss them, both of them.
Yusuke told Kurama first, mostly because he was generally easier to find than the roaming Jagan user and also because he was pretty sure he'd need some serious back up if he was going to broach the subject of feelings with Hiei.
The fox had been gracious, taking Yusuke's sudden confession in stride and the unmistakable glint in his eyes had been one of interest. All in all, it had gone rather well and with Kurama on board with the idea of including himself in the already complex equation that made up Yusuke's romantic relationships, the only thing missing was...well a certain fire demon (both literally and figuratively as Mukuro's second in command was currently impossible to find, flitting about Makai as he was).
Now, it was as good as a waiting game, patiently twiddling his thumbs till Hiei got tired of being Mukuro's errand boy and decided once more to grace them with his presence. Except, Yusuke is anything but patient and the anticipation is eating away at him. He's never been any good at waiting, he doesn't want to wait, not when he finally has his courage in hand.
Kurama is patient, has always been patient something Yusuke likes to point out, though that statement is always met with an amused laugh from the fox himself. Yusuke doesn't really get it but maybe it's one of those things that comes with being a thousand years old.
Yusuke's just hanging in Kurama's apartment, waiting for the fox to come home from class, when Hiei climbs in through the the window, something which he does in broad daylight above a fairly busy residential street. Hiei's stubborn resistance to accommodate or even vaguely acknowledge the very basics concepts of what was deemed acceptable in modern human society was something equal part fascinating and frustrating, his staunch refusal to conform to such benign requests to do things such as using doors and not sleeping in trees was as irritating as it was endearing.
Yusuke can somewhat understand Hiei's stubborn behaviour, despite what the fire demon may like to think, he's kind of easy to read once you figure him out. He's almost laughably transparent. So when Hiei clambers through Kurama’s living room window like a cat burglar wearing a look that's clearly asking him just what he's doing here. Yusuke knows that the other demon probably sensed his presence ages ago and has definitely already felt the possessive traces of demonic intent Yusuke's been very purposefully leaving around Kurama's apartment, a somewhat primitive demonic courting ritual that can best be compared to the human equivalent of leaving your toothbrush at someone else's house.
Yusuke takes a deep breath and tells his begrudging friend of years just how much he'd like to get in his pants (robe? dress that thing is totally a dress).
Except that he doesn't, no he wimps out at the last second and instead he says:
"Haven't you ever heard of doors?"
Hiei is not impressed.
"Yusuke," The demon says drawing out the vowels of Yusuke's name like its taste is still foreign on his tongue.
"So, what brings you to our neck of the woods?"
There's a beat. Hiei stares at him unblinkingly.
"Why are you here?" He tries.
"I could ask you the same thing," the demon scoffs.
"I'm waiting for Kurama, I'm guessing you are too?"
Hiei shrugs and Yusuke takes that as an affirmative.
He doesn't get to say anything else as Hiei is shoving past him, moving purposefully towards the kitchen.Well shoving is a bit harsh, it's more like Hiei picks his path and expects no obstacles, Yusuke makes a point of ignoring his own instincts and acquiesces to Hiei's casual assertion of dominance with uncharacteristic submission. Maybe because Yusuke's a nice guy and knows exactly what's in store next is something even Hiei with his Jagan eye won't be able to predict, the unusual compliance is a peace offering of sorts, a show of cards. The whole thing last less than a handful of seconds but Yusuke swears that for a split second something like shock flits across the smaller demon's features. Yusuke has to keep his grin to himself, he forgot how much fun it is to catch Hiei off guard.
Who's he kidding, he's not a nice guy he just loves messing with people.
As much as Hiei likes to believe that his personal agenda is an unpredictable mystery Yusuke knows his friend and he knows that if Hiei bothered to come here directly from Makai then there’s only one thing on his mind and if he’s right (and he knows that he is) it’s something Yusuke knows he can provide. He sends some quick thanks to Raizen or Koenma or whatever higher power that was looking down on him and suddenly took pity on his romantically frustrated ass and gave him this golden opportunity and follows Hiei into the kitchen.
“Lemme cook you something,” Yusuke valiantly manages to suggest in a casual tone to the fire demon peering intently at the contents of Kurama’s fridge.
“You?” There’s an underlying note of challenge to the way it’s uttered, the way nearly every interaction with Hiei manages to be an invitation to fight. It’s that mix of hostility, arrogance and if you’re really listening for it; an insatiable curiosity.
“Yeah, me,” Yusuke counters. “Lemme knock your socks off.”
“That’s highly unlikely as I do not posses socks,” Hiei scoffs, slamming the fridge shut and using a truly unnecessary dash of speed to phase onto the breakfast bar.
“Figure of speech, Hiei.”
“Your primitive human tongue is beyond irritating,” He huffs, crossing his arms over his chest.
Yusuke tactfully chooses not comment on the writing lessons he’s seen the fire demon begrudgingly grumbling through with Yukina.
“So, watcha craving?”
“Something dead,” the Jagan user replies without missing a beat.
“I’ll see what I can do,” Yusuke says, pulling off his jacket and draping it over one of the kitchen chairs.
Kurama’s kitchen is a dream come true, and Yusuke has an open invitation to help himself to it. There are some serious perks that come being on good terms with a fox demon. According to Kurama (Yusuke’s only source), fox demons, and most nature demons in fact, tend to keep their dens well stocked. Weird demon thing or no, Yusuke can’t help but appreciate such an expansive pantry. He’s got a lot to work with, now all he’s got to do is woo.
Yusuke knows by now that culinary refinement isn’t remotely on the list of Hiei’s priorities. As far as Yusuke can tell, Hiei’s go-to meal seems to be unseasoned lumps of roasted meat. He settles on Tonkatsu because Kurama usually has pork loin and the cabbage lounging in the vegetable crisper isn’t getting any fresher. He shreds the cabbage under Hiei’s unflinching gaze, and tries not picture his own head under the squared blade of Kurama’s best cleaver. The murky surface of the soy sauce and miso dressing offers no absolution. Yusuke tries not hear fist meeting face as he tenderizes the pork (and does not let his nervous energy get the best of him and beat the poor thing like it shortchanged him). Hiei’s deliberate sprawl across the countertop behind him, simultaneously languorous and tensed, the deceptively pent up predatory energy of a house cat. Yusuke somehow manages not to let it him overwhelm him, he cracks the eggs without disaster, and the snap of the oil heating and the sharp crackly texture of the panko on his fingertips sets his focus back on the task at hand. The motions of cooking take over and Yusuke finds some of his apprehension dissolving as the katsu turns golden brown in the pan.
Talking about his feelings probably (undoubtedly) isn’t his strong suit, but this he can do. Feeding people, weirdly isn’t complicated at all, at least it isn’t usually, not at work where the rhythm of broth and noodles comes close to second nature. But here in the kitchen of Kurama’s apartment, where he’s been making dinner at least once a week, eating with the fox, sitting across from one another, neither admitting that this is all in the in the hopes that maybe…just maybe with Hiei here they might do more than eat dinner and wash the dishes together.
For Koenma’s sake, Yusuke feels more anxious, here in this unspoken home away from home, than the last time he saved the world.
“Do you want to set the table?” He asks just to prove his tongue still works.
Despite the lack of verbal acknowledgement or even acuquiecense, Yusuke hears the barely audible thump of Hiei’s feet on the vinyl and the telltale rattle of Kurama’s cutlery drawer, as he cuts the still steaming cutlets and lays the slices over two generous plates of cabbage. He is pleasantly surprised to find that Hiei has provided chopsticks (without forgetting the hashioki) for Yusuke’s setting, whilst personally opting out of any tableware save for a single steak knife. The absurdity of it brings a smile to his face, and elicits a look of narrow-eyed scepticism from his dining companion. Yusuke manages to navigate the trench between the counter top and the table without tripping over the landmine of his feelings. With both plates safely delivered Yusuke silently gives thanks and watches Hiei spear the pork and use the flat edge of his knife to shovel the cabbage into his mouth. After inhaling his portion, Hiei’s face scrunches endearingly in a response which Yusuke attributes to being fed vegetables, though the small demon chooses this exact moment to finally voice his thoughts.
“There you go looking like the fox again,” Hiei accuses matter-of-factly.
“Are we talking about the same Kurama here, red hair, really into gardening, about this high?” he replies, one hand aloft pointing out the difference in height between him and their absent host.
Hiei makes that infamous annoyed scoff of his, spearing a slice of pork from Yusuke’s plate, to which Yusuke responds defiantly, shoving the remains pieces in his mouth as quickly as possible.
“I wasn’t referring to your physical forms,” Hiei sighs sounding pained. “Yusuke you were watching me…the way he watches me.”
As opportunity rears its head Yusuke finds himself unable to breathe (for reasons unrelated to his current mouthful of half masticated fried pork).
“I may have been born this century but I am no fool,” Hiei continues, idly rolling the knife between his fingers. “Your gaze is distracting, nearly as distracting as all this,” at which point he waves the blade in a sweeping motion which somehow encompasses the whole of Kurama’s kitchen and the rest of the apartment.
Yusuke only manages to nod (still valiantly trying to swallow without dying) before Hiei continues.
“While Kurama is certainly the indulgent type, I have no patience for this kind of fledgling buffoonery, you’ve been demon long enough to know, rein in your aura, that kind of behaviour can and will be read as that kind of interest.”
“Good,” Yusuke croaks throat finally clear, and for the first time since he’s arrived Hiei looks as nervous as Yusuke feels. If he were being generous Yusuke might describe the expression on Hiei’s face as total panic. “I was hoping you’d notice, I mean we, that is Kurama and I. We had and talk and I mean it, I’m that kind of interested.”
Hiei gets a look, that one he usually gets before he disappears, and Yusuke feels his stomach sink and he stands up without thinking, his chair toppling behind him. In a moment of emotional desperation Yusuke does what he does best and decides not to pull any punches.
“I seriously want both of you,” he declares, belatedly realizing he’s taken a fighting stance.
At this point the pessimist in him is fairly certain that Hiei is going to vanish and Yusuke is going to be left with nothing but dirty dishes and a broken heart. Is already trying to come up with some kind of apology for Kurama, one that doesn’t make him sound totally dejected. Hiei being Hiei loves to prove people wrong and so instead of running he does the exact opposite. Yusuke hardly has time to blink, as Hiei uses that absurd speed of his, vaulting over the table and invading Yusuke’s personal space. Hiei grabs his collar bringing them roughly eye-to-eye.
They’re close enough that Yusuke can feel the intense warmth that radiates through Hiei’s cloak, there are barely centimetres separating their faces, the skin of his throat that brushes against Hiei’s knuckles is practically scalding. Yusuke wonders briefly if he should shatter the space between them with a kiss, but before he can lean closer Hiei opens his mouth to speak.
“Kurama,” he says, and Yusuke can’t help feeling slightly disappointed until he realizes that he isn’t the one being addressed.
“Please, don’t allow me to interrupt,” the red head in question replies, one arm braced against the doorway, the other casually slung over his school bag.
“How long have you been home?” Yusuke finds himself being able to ask despite all 5 foot and 3 inches of fire demon keeping his feet glued to the floor.
“Oh not long,” is the fox’s airy reply.
“I see you two have been conspiring against me,” adds Hiei.
“Hardly, that’s why I didn’t want to intrude, and while I’m sure he’ll forgive me I was also curious to see just how serious Yusuke was about this whole courtship,” Kurama replies smiling that particularly disarming smile of his.
“What about the human girl and the oaf?” Hiei interrupts.
“They’re fine with it if you guys are fine with it,” Yusuke responds. Hiei sways slightly, still holding Yusuke’s collar.
“And you’re not trying to steal my partner?” he asks quietly, while Kurama hums to conceal what Yusuke knows must be a laugh.
“Not at all, it’s more a question of wether you, both of you, will have me,” Yusuke answers.
Thankfully, as though some spirit finally took mercy upon him, Yusuke is spared an answer as Hiei pulls him into a scorching kiss. Hiei’s mouth is very dry, and he has a preference for leading with his teeth, so Yusuke gets bitten twice, but it is worth every moment of agony which led up to it.
“I don’t know how I should feel about you getting to kiss him first Hiei” Kurama sighs, dropping his bag to the floor and padding towards them.
Yusuke pulls back, a little breathlessly, as the fox envelops them both in his arms.
“Go ahead then,” Hiei mumbles. “He’s been waiting for it.” (and Yusuke has no idea who Hiei’s talking about because if anything Yusuke’s the one who’s kept them waiting.)
Yusuke is enveloped in the flowery scent of Kurama’s soft hair, and soft lips leaning in to meet his. He gives in to the inevitable pull. Kurama is like a wave of cool water against his skin and Yusuke finds himself gasping into the kiss.
“You better not stroke his ego more than you already have,” Hiei grumbles, an ember of heat sandwiched between their bodies. “He’s already too pleased with himself.”
“I’m surprised this didn’t end in a fight,” Yusuke sighs.
“It still can,” Hiei scowls.
“Let’s find something else to keep you two occupied,” Kurama adds warningly.
“Can we stay like this for just a minute?” Yusuke asks, exhaustion invading his limbs all at once.
So they stand there holding each other in Kurama’s kitchen, and in that moment Yusuke Urameshi can confirm that dying, demons, and feelings are all worth it for friends and lovers like this.