Chapter Text
June 13, XXXX
Xichen! I— how do you even write shit
Hi love. Good morning! Have you eaten breakfast yet? If not please see to it that you finish everything I made for you on the kitchen counter. I WILL KNOW if you only ate half and fed Crispy the rest. I do not take deceit lightly, Lan Huan. I don't think I need to remind you of the Jiang ways of retaliation, right? And, I will tell your uncle!
You don’t want me to torture tickle you
But if you are done with breakfast, know that I have a smile on my face. I want my A-Huan to be healthy!
Anyway, you must be wondering why I'm writing you a letter when we're just sleeping in one bed, staying in one room, and living together in one house. I also don't know, wedding jitters perhaps? To be honest, this is fucking awkward. HA! Imagine me creepily looking at you sleeping in the dark while writing letters to you? Kinda shitty, I know. I just woke up in the middle of the night, A-Huan. As usual, you're like a fucking octopus with your gangly arms clinging on me. I don't know if you're hugging me or throttling me to death. And those weird-ass displeased noises you make whenever I so much as move a muscle? It's so fucking cute, okay? Reminds me of Crispy most of the time. Are you a dog in your past life? There are just things I can’t say to you in person. Does it make me a coward, love? I’m scared
I don't know if I can ever sleep alone anymore, love. I always dreaded attending out-of-town meetings. I can't see you when I'm done with work or kiss your pout away, or just stay beside you because I can. How am I gonna live if we part? Will I die? Will you miss me as much as I miss you? Will you think of me as often as I do? Fuck, don't show this to Wei Wuxian. Or better yet, burn this shit once you’re done reading. I don't think I can stand your nasty smile while goading me over my once in a blue moon impulse to act out of character. Ha! If you ever remind me of this, I'll flush your teabags in the toilet disregarding the ridiculous cash you throw for each purchase-- don't think that I didn't see the receipts.
Though, no matter how much you pay for tea indulgence, and how much you are an absolute menace in bed (the sleeping mannerism!!!! Though the other bed specialties I would somehow commend as simply excellent), know that I am fond of you, very much so. don't hold it against me.
I have been in love with you for so many years, you know this already as I've told you plenty of times. I have liked you for so long, love, that even the tiniest imperfection you have is perfect in my eyes. Your smile lines, high pitched laugh, your out-of-tune singing, even your silly display of possessiveness seem like the highlight of the whole you. I love it.
I love you.
I remember the days way back in high school. I would never admit it but I have always looked forward to each morning where you'll greet students at the gate and I'll try to save face by snubbing your sweet good mornings. Why do you have to be the fucking student president??? that's so cliche! Have I ever told you before how handsome you look in our school uniform? And the way you smile that smile never fails to take my breath away, I've wondered every night how I am still alive. Were you a thief in your past life, love? You always steal things from me, my breath, my consciousness, and then my heart. How are you going to repay me huh???
Should I thank Meng Yao for that bullying incident? That has certainly gotten me close to you. Not that I was pleased you almost ruined your friendship with Meng Yao. He's been with you longer than I am. We're not close before and we're in a different circle. I can even say something as silly as your universe collided with mine. Do you count people's importance based on how long you've known them? Or was it how you feel for them? Anyway, it was just a misunderstanding. l and I'm glad we were able to clear that up.
Did you hate me back then? When I pointed my finger at Meng Yao? And called him names? I don't think I ever apologized to him and you for my inappropriate behavior. I'm sorry, love. I was just so damn jealous. It squeezed my chest so painfully. It's like I can breathe but there's no air. It hurts, love. Can you still do something about it?
I want to just crawl back under the sheets and lay beside you. But looking at you, so peaceful in your sleep, my body seems stuck in this corner. Can I touch you? Would you like me to? Do you love me?
Fuck this is funny. If you heard me laughing please pardon me for disturbing your sleep.
I love you, A-Huan.
It's just that... It's so painful, you know? Until now. Even before. Everyday. Every night. It's like... there's a whole bunch of insects festering my gut, slowly eating my insides. Did you ever feel that way whenever we're together? Did it hurt too? Do you also feel out of breath? Did you feel suffocated?
Love, will you hate me if I call you out on your bullshit? Will you look at me with the same smile? And tell me you love me? And kiss me to make this all real?
You always look around and somehow find him in a room full of strangers, even with me holding your hands. Do you not see me at all? Because, love, my eyes are always, always on you. Never straying. I’m the one you’re with, but you’re looking for him
Your touch always lingers a little longer, you hold him a bit tighter. No one will take him away from you. He's a constant in our life but with me, there's always a split-second hesitation, why are you always quick to let go?
Love, would you also whisper my name in your sleep as you do to him?
Will you also call me because you think of me? Not because you know you're stuck with me? But because Wanyin is the first thing you'll say because you love and you want. Will you?
I'm a fucking selfish person, A-Huan. I knew from the very start that you're too kind to reject what your family wants us to do. I'm a shitty person who jumps at the first opportunity to marry you. Did you hate me for it? Because you have to leave him so that we can happen? Did you learn to love me as you promised? Are you still learning? How far along? Did you try?
Was it hard?
Six years of being together in this illusion of a perfect relationship have turned me into this disgusting bitter person. I hate myself, love. Because I can say no, I can let you go, I can free you from this farce, but I always choose not to. Because I wished and wished that you would learn to love me.
Maybe you did. Halfway
Because I felt that you care for me genuinely. It was real. I know it's real. You made it real, Xichen.
But the shitty part is that it's not enough.
I think I woke up tonight because it felt right to stop this. Looking at you, sleeping so peacefully, just hurts me through and through. The longer we carry on, the more unhappy I become. I thought that showing how much I care for you, how much this heart beats for you, is enough. You smile at me, soft and gentle. You kiss me, sweet and slow. But it never made me whole. It never made you whole.
You want to give yourself to me, love. I know you do. You tried and tried and tried but in the end, you can't. I can see it. And I hurt for you. I want you to stop hurting yourself.
We're too old to play this game of charades. I want to be yours and you as mine. The funny thing is, we can't always have what we want.
I don't want to wake up one day hating you, cursing you, because you can't give me the love that was never mine to begin with. I don't want to remember our happy moments with bitterness. I want to preserve everything in my heart and look back on our days together with nothing but happiness. You, me, and Crispy. I don't want you to turn me into a version of my mother, hateful, and a version of your father, selfish and possessive, because that's not the love I want for us.
We’re fated. But we’re not destined. I know that and learned to accept. Even if we’re not sure, we still made it happen. Unsure… everything is blurry, love. I can’t see the end of the tunnel. I’m drowning. It’s too deep for me… did you know? How come you reached out to him… not me? Funny. You did it unconsciously. No matter how much I try and hold on, there’s always a limit, right? I feel like...
This is it?
It’s not even possible right from the start. We’re an opportunity... not a possibility. Never.
I’m sorry.
Don't worry about me. I have thought long and hard. Every night. Every waking moment. It all boils down to my greatest wish to give you the happiness that you deserve. And as much as I loathe that I am not the one who can give you that, I'd rather we cut this off and brave the world. It's not your fault. Fate fucked us both, love. I can fix whatever the problem is, but this is beyond me.
They say that if you really love someone, you'll let them say goodbye. They say that if you really love someone, you'll let them go.
So before we turn our wedding vows into lifetime shackles of suffering, I'm letting you go. Be free. Run back to him, love. Snatch him from the cruel fate and keep him. Love him with your all. Love him in ways you can’t do with me.
I will be okay. I have conditioned myself for a long time... and this is the right time. I can finally, finally do it.
I just want you to promise me... that you will be happy. I will pray that he will look after you like I do. Cook your breakfast and brew you some tea, because you're pretty much useless in the kitchen. Pick your clothes whether for work or leisure, because you have a horrible sense of fashion. Send you reminders to eat at lunch and take a break, because as perfect as you are in the eyes of the world, you're shitty at taking care of yourself. I won't insist anymore. All I wish for him is to take care of you and never make you cry. I know he can do it. I've seen it in your eyes, love. He will always be your choice. I was never an option.
I'm letting you go. So please, let me go.
You know I'm stronger than this. I fought so much in my life and this is just one trial I need to get through. You're not the only handsome bachelor in the world! Ha! I'll find someone more handsome than you, who will smile at me like how you smile at him. Someone who will be with me like how you want to be with him. And when I find that person, I will learn to love them. I will give them my heart. Whole and with no doubts and insecurities. I will tell them that I still hold someone dear inside my heart but I am willing to open a special place for him to grow. I will tell him that I might whisper another man's name unconsciously but I will apologize to him and tell him
There's no point in wishing. Come what may, right?
What else do I have to say? The paper I have is already full. I should end it here.
Let me just... for the last time. I love you.
I love you so much, Lan Xichen.
I hate
Please take care.
My bravery ran out already so this will be my last cowardly move, love. I'm leaving Crispy to you. Hahaha I think I'll go out for a walk and I can't take him with me. It might take long. Don't wait for me anymore. And don't thank me for this because I'm leaving all the headache of what comes after you read this. Don't worry. I'll take care of my side of the family. They will not kick your door down and beat you. I'll explain everything. But don't mind any of this... the first thing that I want you to do is to follow what your heart says. That's... don't live with regrets, love.
See you when I see you. I will miss you. I miss you
Bye bye my first love.
Bye bye