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Smoker must slowly be going insane. Or perhaps it was the world that was insane around him.
It was the ninth day of listening in on the two allied captains daily post dinner calls and he’d yet to pick up on any sort of code or sense to their discussion. Which was impossible because what he knew of Mugiwara suggested that that idiot could not memorize a code much less agree to using one.
It had taken them weeks just to lock down the signal and all they still hadn’t ascertained any of the allied captains plans. Infuriatingly, Mugiwara was more interested in talking about what he had eaten that day and then asking Trafalgar what he had eaten.
Today Trafalgar had grilled fish and rice for dinner. Like every other fucking day for the past eight days. Luffy responded in the exact same way as always with, “ahhh, that sounds good, wish I could have had some...” like he hadn’t said that about every other day. Trafalgar laughed and said “Wish I could have given you some.”
Smoker wouldn’t be lying if he didn’t cringe every time he saw someone eating goddamn grilled fish. Much to his chagrin, everyone on the ship had suddenly developed a craving for it. ‘Grilled fish’ must be some kind of code, there must be something that it refers to. Otherwise, how can Trafalgar stomach it every night?
Smoker ended up slapping dinner out of someone’s hands in the dining area tonight. Grilled fish and rice flying everywhere and then making a splat on the floor. Looking at the splat made him even angrier because goddamn Mugiwara was making him act like a crazy person ruining people’s dinners and making messes. He stormed off, ignoring the stares of his crew, and lit three cigars instead of his usual two.
The problem was he couldn’t leave this job to anyone else. He’d do anything to let someone else eavesdrop into this little world of lunacy the captains shared, but he and Tashigi knew Mugiwara and Trafalgar best after being trapped alongside them on Punk Hazard. They had seen exactly what brand of idiocy Mugiwara was and how Trafalgar had reacted to it. So every night Smoker and Tashigi sat down together and listened.
What he wouldn’t acknowledge was that he was slowly becoming obsessed with the calls. He wanted to break their stupid little code more than anything. It was driving him nuts. Keeping him up at night rereading transcriptions, as if he would find some sort of key and suddenly understand. Studying the tiniest of facial expressions the snail made as it imitated them, as if an eyebrow raise or wink (which were uncomfortably common) indicated something about their locations.
It was either that or those two must have realized he was listening. Which was a compelling theory. Trafalgar seemed normal enough not to want to participate in meaningless talk with Mugiwara and smart enough to realize that their calls were not a safe way of communicating. Those two must be having a jolly laugh messing with his head and then communicating in some other secret way just to laugh together at him. They thought they were so goddamn sneaky. Smoker was going to make sure to wring their necks when he finally found them.
Tashigi disagreed with him though. Told him there was no way they could know they were being spied on. Came up with some crazy theory based on what she had heard one time while Smoker had decided to take a smoke break to avoid hearing the words ‘grilled fish and rice’.
Smoker trusted Tashigi. She was his right hand so of course he did. However, he could not believe what she had tried to tell him. It must have been a problem with signals getting mixed up. Or maybe Tashigi had hearing problems as well as vision issues.
Trafalgar and Mugiwara had been talking about food again when he stepped out on the seventh night. Apparently, Trafalgar had told his ally not to choke on his food and Mugiwara had responded with “Don’t be stupid. You of all people should know how stretchy my throat is. Shishishi”
Trafalgar had immediately gone into a coughing fit at that comment.
Tashigi had taken this and ran with it. To her they were in love. Two captains, aware that they could not talk privately, but still called every night just to hear the other’s voice. She quickly became as obsessed as Smoker, however, she searched for signs of romance instead of treachery. He was this close to kicking her ass out when she sighed at Mugiwara making some dumb joke that made Traflagar laugh.
Smoker would not accept it. Refused to give a second thought. In fact, he barely even gave it a first thought. It was Mugiwara. Mugiwara no Luffy. There was no way.
Yet there it was, those words written in the same neat handwriting as all the other discussions on the best type of fish and who had a better hat and the weather on the sea versus the the weather in the sea (which was almost always the same but Mugiwara still asked just in case). Tashigi’s transcriptions were completely accurate so it must have happened, Mugiwara must have made a joke about blowjobs. Blowjobs that occured between him and Trafalgar.
But it couldn’t have. It was just another way of messing with Smoker’s brain. How they timed it so that he was out when it happened he had no clue. But nothing else had come up that had been so overtly suggestive so he wiped the idea from his mind.
He did.
He wiped it.
It was gone.
Tashigi was just being ridiculous.
It was impossible.
And yet…
Smoker shook his head to refocus on listening. Mugiwara was just about to ask if Trafalgar had seen any interesting creatures at the bottom of the ocean recently. Trafalgar would give detailed reports on what he had seen while Mugiwara laughed and made comments. (The sea creatures were also suspected to be some type of code. Were fish and mammals supposed to signify different things? Did Mugiwara know the difference between a fish and a mammal? What did it mean when Trafalgar mentioned seeing a pink octopus and Mugiwara responded with a strange story about falling from the sky with a pink octopus?)
An alarm started blaring and Mugiwara never finished his question. Instead a voice came from Trafalgar’s side. Smoker did not recognize the voice but he did recognize the panic in it as someone informed the captain of a mechanical issue with the submarine.
Trafalgar gave a few orders before returning his attention to the call.
“I have to go Luffy-ya, there’s a problem with the sub.”
“Is it serious?” Mugiwara asked.
“No but it does require immediate attention.”
“Ok.” Mugiwara responded. If there was a bit of anxiety in his voice before it was gone now, however, just before Trafalgar cound hang up Mugiwara added, “Be safe. I love you.”
A grunt came from the line and then a quiet, “Love you too,” Click.
Smoker and Tashigi stared at the small spying snail for what felt like an eternity.
Smoker stood, mumbled something about having sufficient transcriptions of their conversations and not needing to listen anymore, and then stepped outside to light up four cigars at once.