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sometimes, he felt red.
with those thoughts running a mile per minute in that thick head of his. coming up hot and ready just like the dinner that his jihoon and hyunsuk hyungs worked so hard to prepare. he can feel the steam brewing in his ears and the anger, pain, and plans working their way to the front of his brain.
it felt like a marathon for the colors, when the colors raced, red always won. the red thoughts were quick and irrational with all the intention but none of the thinking it through.
he never went to anyone with his red thoughts, he didn’t want anyone to know about the red. the red wasnt what he wanted people to see.
other times, junghwan felt orange.
“it’s a pity that happy times pass quickly.” just like asahi and haruto wrote so beautifully.
orange was when it was getting bad again, when he could feel the red starting to race but orange was holding on. trying to hold them back, but orange always lost.
orange wasn’t bad. orange wasnt good either, orange was sour. orange felt like running on auto pilot, his thoughts and body detached and feelings ice cold.
orange is when he thought things through, where he tried to coax hisself back down to at least a yellow. it didn’t work very well but it was an attempt.
sometimes, he felt yellow.
yellow was often associated with happiness and joy. like doyoung and yoshi. doyoungs favorite color was yellow, and yoshi’s gold. but for the maknae, yellow wasnt for happiness.
no, no, no. junghwan had a different color for happiness, one that was a special color.
yellow was a warning. yellow was when he felt numb and quiet. yellow was when he had 13 missing assaignments due in two minutes at 11:57 p.m. on a tuesday night after crying when mashiho tried to explain the newest lesson to him.
yellow was his brain telling him to get help, to open up to mashiho when he holds the crying maknae in his arms, to call his hyungs to hold him while he tells them about how much it hurt, how the caution lights were flashing in his brain.
despite a mental argument, he had decided that it was the worst when he felt yellow.
sometimes, he felt green.
green was a nice feeling. it was never really a happiness, a consistent happiness. but it was warm. it reminded him of cuddling with jihoon after failing a math test for the nth time, or eating a traditional japanese meal asahi and haruto had been slaving over in the kitchen for hours, to show the others there home.
it reminded him of how his hyungs were proud of him like he was their kid when ever he succeeded in anything. green let him be, and continue being who he was.
green felt like home.
sometimes, he felt blue.
if he had to list his least favorite days, yellow, red, and blue would be the top. blue days were not quite the same numb as yellow nor the same rushed thoughts as red. blue was blue. when he felt his eyelids get heavy and weight cave in on him.
blue was after training for years, being denied a debut once again. blue was a feeling he knew to well, that his hyungs knew too well.
it’s been awhile since he felt blue. didn’t make it any better when they came.
sometimes, he felt purple.
with a soft pip in his step and a light giggle escaping his mouth. purple was a feeling he couldn’t describe. because sometimes the purple was like above, and others; purple was a long and hard conversation with his hyungs about mental health.
purple was when the japanese line opened up about how hard it was to be so far away from home, and how thankful they were to have eachother.
purple was when yedam sobbed for days on end when they finally debuted because he’s been working towards this goal for nearly ten years.
purple was when they won rookie of the year (male) at asia artist awards and new wave award (male) at apan music awards.
purple was… purple was something to figure out.
sometimes, junghwan felt pink.
he loved pink. pink is when he felt handsome and pretty, pink is when he stayed up until 5am with everyone after their first win painting each other’s nails.
pink was when asahi finally got a song on an album after the countless hours spent awake tweaking them to perfection.
pink was when he, jaehyuk, asahi, and yedam snuck out at 6am before anyone had woken up to go pick up donuts because they finally, finally, finally, were debuting.
pink was happiness.
junghwan liked feeling pink.
and junghwan felt thousands of other colors too, but these were the biggest. and while he still doesn’t tell anyone at yellow, and goes through phases of jumping from green to red.
junghwan was happy with his rainbow.
and he was really happy, with the treasure at the end of it.