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chan and changbin arrived at the studio shortly after, and changbin wasn't sure what to do. he felt at home with chan, he felt...safe, almost. he hadn't felt like that in a long while. "can i tell sungie that you are staying with me for awhile?" chan asked as he parked the car.
"don't think we agreed on that." changbin said, wiping his eyes so they were no longer wet and teary.
"you really think im going to let you out of my sight." chan quirked his head to the side.
"i was hoping." changbin snickered, opening the car door.
"changbin, no." chan shook his head dissapointedly.
changbin stayed quiet as they walked the stairs to the studio. this wasn't who he was, this wasn't who he was trained to be for year after year. he needed to regain focus. dont let them break him down, he can't afford to be hurt again.
chan and jisung were making conversation about god knows what, and changbin was staring off. his face seemed to be drawn with a look that was foreign to jisung and chan, it was an innocence of sorts.
"he looks so small." chan commented, glancing at the boy softly.
"he is small, hyung." jisung smiled, standing up to go to the bathroom.
chan stared for awhile waiting for jisung to return, he was concerned. who had hurt changbin like this? to the point of nearly impossible return? changbin was a shell of a human, he had a body that functioned in a mainly normal way. but the inside of changbin, the mind and humanity of the boy.
chan isn't really sure that he will ever get the privillage of knowing changbin, for changbin. it broke him to think like that, because their was something about that short male with a few dozen tattoos and round little glasses that chan wanted to know, so so so badly.
"chan-hyung, you okay?" changbin asked, softly. looking over to the elder, the honorifics slipping off his tonuge like honey.
"hyung?" chan quirked his head lightly, his heart felt warm with the name changbin had called him.
"sorry. i'm sorry it won't happen-" changbin started, that nearly innocent look returning to his face.
"changbin, i love it when the boys call me hyung, it is no different with you. i'm happy." chan smilled, leaning over and placing a hand on the smallers knee, "thank you, for calling me hyung chanbgin."
jisung returned shortly, three cubs full of chocolate milk haphazardly balanced in his shaky hands. "i thought you'd like some! my brother, younghyun-hyung usually makes some for me and channie-hyung but i stole an extra cup!" he exclaimed proudly, setting the cups on the table.
"thank you, s-sungie." changbin said, reaching out shaky hands. he called someone a pet name.....he called jisung a pet name. what was he doing? he's seo changbin.
"changbin?" jisung called, a soft smile drawn upon his face.
"yes?" changbin snapped his neck to the younger, mind running a mile a minute with regrets. what was he doing?
"can i call you hyung?" jisung asked.
changbin froze. jisung the boy he yelled at at their first meeting, the boy that he made terrified of him, the one who worried about him. jisung wanted to call him 'hyung', he felt something bubbling in his chest. with jeongin, it was out of habit, jeongin was the youngest he called everyone hyung but jisung...jisung was actively asking if he could call changbin hyung.
"do you see me as a hyung?" he asked, voice cold. masking his emotions perfectly, his dad had taught him well.
"yeah, yeah i do, changbinnie-hyung...?" jisung smiled widely, a soft giggle at the back of his throat.
changbin nodded, going back to his notebook and scribbling down some lyrics.
they stayed at the studio for a while, and changbin was thinking. he wished he wouldnt think, but he did. he wished a lot of things, dreamed a lot of things. but there was something his dad always said; "the hopeful drown in their sins."
to his father, changbin was nothing more than a sin. he was the biggest mistake his parents had ever made, and he knew it. what do you do when you are the biggest mistake to the people who are supposed to love you?
changbin didn't feel loved, until he met wooyoung and eunkwang. that was the first time in his life he felt loved, and the only time that hadn't destroyed him.
there was a group before, who changbin felt he belonged with. they gave each other stick and pokes at 4am (changbin still has that stupid little square on his hip.), they did everything together, the four of them. they were good for him, he thought, they made him more himself, he thought.
but that group didn't know changbin. that group made changbin into the person he is today, that group made changbin the boy who is afraid to open up, the boy who doubts anyone and everyones care.
they had fun times, the four of them, but it got bad. it got bad before changbin could escape, they showed him their scars and bruises. they talked about 'orientation', a memory changbin prayed everyday would leave him. they are the ones who tried to make him commit that day, when wooyoung found him.
changbin hadn't trusted anyone after those three boys made him. he had lost trust in everyone, he hated everyone, it took months for him to even let wooyoung or eunkwang back in, nonetheless anyone new.
but now, there was seven boys banging on those walls he built so hard to build, and the front two were strong.
changbin wasn't sure if they were stronger than the walls, but he would find out in due time.
they all would.
"hey, hyung? where are you staying tonight?" jisung asked innocently, he was still unaware about the situation of the night prior.
"i don't know, why?" changbin asked, snapping out of his thoughts, feeling chan's protective gaze over his shoulder.
"lixie and minnie want to have a sleepover! they wanted me to invite you, since you aren't in the group chat! minnie was really excited, they really like having you around, hyunjin too!" jisung bounced happily, brain running a mile a minute. he was loud, very loud, in fact. but changbin held in the comment. he knew jisung couldn't control it well, and it wasn't even that bad.
"hey, sung, i know you're excited but lets lower our voice a bit, yeah?" chan smiled up at the bouncing boy, offering him his hand to play with, it was one of jisung's happy stims.
"okay, hyung. sorry." jisung said softly, looking intently at the painted fingers in his hands.
"it's okay, sunshine. now, i don't think you got an answer out of binnie yet." chan hummed, looking over to the male who was staring at the two with a small smile, chan barely caught before it was gone.
"i geuss i'll come." changbin sighed dramatically, "i'd love to come, sungie. text me the address, i have to drop some stuff off and then i'll be over."
changbin went to hongjoongs. he knocked on the door gently, preparing himself for the seven boys and wooyoung, all interogating him as he knew that they knew he wasn't at the homeless shelter last night. they checked everynight. he just forgot that small detail last night, and might have not contacted any of them in the past 24 hours.
"yes- changbin?" seonghwa tilted his head to the left with surprise, and just as changbin predicted, seven boys came pouncing towards him.
"where were you?! are you safe?! the older hyungs were worried sick! what the fuck, seo changbin?" wooyoung exclaimed, throwing his arms around his best friend.
"ah-yeah, some stuff came up. went to the bridge, you know how it is." he smiled sadly at his best friend, scratching his arms. it was a signal, wooyoung knew what it meant.
"oh." wooyoungs face dropped into sadness, "who did you stay with?"
"bang chan and his roommates, he-he insisted, that's actually partially why i came over." he smiled, him and the eight boys walking into the apartment.
"get on with it, whats up?" mingi groaned cutely.
"jisungie, he invited me to this sleepover they're having, i-i-i don't have any clothes, and i want to look good since i'm meeting their friends again, and my nail polish is badly chipped which isn't helping anything and-and all of their friends are like, really handsome-" changbin ranted as yeosang pulled him to his, wooyoung, yunho, and san's room.
"jisungie?" san teased following after the two, wooyoung and hongjoong on his heels as yunho, jongho, seonghwa, and mingi just went back to watching netflix.
"shut it, san." changbin grumbled as he was forced into a chair in the room, wooyoung and hongjoong rummaging the closets for an outfit.
"love you too, bin." san rolled his eyes, watching as hongjoong and wooyoung pulled out an outfit.
"this is yeosang's slightly cropped led zepplin shirt, and a pair of wooyoung leather/latex pants. he's gonna give you some thigh chains." hongjoong explained, laying out the clothes so yeosang and san could get started on makeup.
"okay, what i'm thinking is a silver lid with a red stained lip and blush, and a cat eye liner." san stated, watching as yeosang pulled out the needed supplies.
"you, are going to look like a snack." yeosang stated, putting a headband on changbin's head and taking his specs off.
he did.
changbin admired himself in the mirror, his muscles and arm tattoo's shown proudly in his shirt, his stomach, albeit a little pudgy, adorned a silver chain that went down his legs and connected at the back of his thighs, over black skin tight pants. his makeup was shining proudly behind his glasses, the eyeliner making him feel like a badass, his lips were a nice tint of red and his cheeks softly dusted in pink and glitter.
"thank you, so much." changbin smiled, turning around and showing off the product to the eight boys on the couch, like say yes to the dress.
"that's my best friend!" wooyoung shouted loudly, cheering.
changbin rolled his eyes and went over to the door, grabbing his phone and bag. "i'll let you guys know how it goes." he waved goodbye, walking away from the apartment and down the stairs to the bus stop.
he sat on the bus scrolling through instagram and listening to ghostmane when his phone started ringing. the contact was practically mocking him. 'father'. he quickly answered it.
"h-hello?" he stuttered, cursing himself, suddenly he was back to that small little boy who just wanted to play cars with his dad.
"ah! changbin, just the person i'm looking for." he heard his father chuckle pointedly, he was scared, and he was sure he looked it.
"what do you want?" he growled, trying to regain his composure, he was in public.
"now, now, that's no way to speak to your father dear." his mother laughed from the background.
"he's not my fa- just-just tell me what you want?" changbin cursed, getting off the bus swiftly, bowing to the driver as he approached jisung's apartment.
"we need money." his father spoke sternly.
changbin hung up, he dashed to the lobby bathroom, and hid for a minute.
money. they wanted money.
he wasn't sure when he had gotten his hopes up, when he had convinced himself it wasn't there usual. money, rent, debt, repeat, money, rent, debt, repeat. why now? why-why did they have to ruin everything? there was no way he could face jisung and chan and their friends now....he was distracted, he felt like he was going to burst out crying any given moment.
he had to ditch, he had to there was no other way he would make it through the night. absolutely no way, he couldn't do it, he could book it to the homeless shelter before the doors closed, or maybe just book it without a destinantion, maybe he-
his train of thought was cut short by his phone ringing. he cursed, it was probably his mother now, going to send him a death threat, or remind him of what they did when he was a kid.
"what the hell do you want, woman!?" he shouted as he answered the phone, sobs building at the back of his throat, no he could not cry, yeosang and san worked damn hard on his makeup.
"i think i have the wrong number..." the voice drawled, changbin heard shuffling around the phone. he was confused, was it not his mother.
"no, minnie you're right, that's changbin's number." he heard chan say in the back.
"seungmin?" changbin questioned, mind wandering, why the hell did seungmin need to call him.
"oh, it is you, hyung! lix and jinnie made a pie and we need to know how many slices to cut, you're still coming right?" the younger questioned softly.
"yeah- yeah, i actually just got to the building. i'll-i'll be up soon." changbin said, hearing a giggle of 'great!' before the line disconnected.
"okay changbin, seungmin uses they/them, felix and hyunjin use all pronouns, chan will probably question you, minho's cats are soonie doongie and dori, jisung has autism, or maybe adhd, and anxiety, be patient with him, and jeongin is baby. hurt baby. no more changbin." he reminded himself, starting to walk up the stairs to the third floor.
once he reached the address, he knocked softly on the door, fiddling with his hands as he awaited an answer. he hoped he looked good, would they think he was a pushover? he just wanted to look nice....
"bin-hyung!" jisung smiled widely, grabbing the man's hands in his own and pulling him into the apartment.
"guys! binnie is here!" jisung giggled, finally taking a good look at changbin.
"ah, hyung! you look so good!" hyunjin smiled, glancing up from where, he, felix, minho, and seungmin were playing uno.
"th-thanks." changbin mumbled, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly.
"he's right! you look really good, and i love your makeup!" chan added, handing changbin a glass of chocolate milk.
changbin blushed softly, he wasn't used to other people genuinely complimenting him, it felt wrong. he was much more used to backhanded compliments, hits, kicks, punches, and screams.
"did you do your makeup yourself, hyung?" jeongin asked, standing up to examine changbin's appearance.
"no, no, wooyoung's boyfriends did it, san and yeosang. and then woo and hongjoong-hyung chose the outfit." changbin explained sheepishly.
"ah of course, kim hongjoong is one of the fashion kings." seungmin commented, mumbling a plus four in felix's direction.
"come sit! jisungie-hyung said you could chose the movie tonight!" jeongin giggled, dragging changbin over to their movie selection. (a very extensive movie collection if i may add.)
"i-i don't really watch movies, i really shouldn't be choosing." changbin said, eyeing the several shelves full of movies.
"come on, just chose one!" minho teased, yelling uno shortly after.
"uh-uh mean girls looks interesting, i've never watched it." he whispered to jeongin, it was noisy.
"ya! did you hear that? hyung has never watched mean girls!" the youngest exclaimed astonished, who hadn't seen mean girls.
"really? it's a classic." hyunjin smiled, shaking her head softly.
"i didn't have a tv back home." changbin rushed out, handing the dvd case to jeongin.
"must've sucked." seungmin joked, standing up to make popcorn.
"tell me about it." changbin grumbled to himself, standing awkwardly as he saw the seven get situated into what seemed to be nothing more than a puddle of bodies.
"sit by me, hyungie!" jisung smiled wildly, making grabby hands towards the rapper. changbin stiffened but listened, walking over to the boy who was curled into a loveseat, taking the spot next to him.
with seungmin and the popcorns return, the movie started and they fell into a comfortable murmur. he was watching the previews intently when he felt jisung grab his hand, he snapped his neck to glance at the younger, only to see that he was playing with them like a baby.
changbin internally cooed at the sight, looking back to the tv and loosening his posture.
half way through the movie, felix was dosing off in the middle of their sentences which called for what chan had tokened as "PJ Time." changbin was startled as they all just started changing in the middle of the living room, as well as cursing himself for not having stolenj any of wooyoung pajamas.
"hey, hyungie, it's pajama time, put your pj's on." felix teased, voice sleepy as they tied his pink kitten pajama pant strings around his waist.
"i don't have pajamas." changbin said, glancing around the room to observe the pajamas.
chan had on grey sweatpants and an unzipped hoosie, showcasing his abs, minho had on fuzzy purple cat pajama pants and a matching button up, hyunjin had on changbin had identified as a black slip night gown, jisung was adorning a similar pink one, felix in the same as jisung, seungmin was wearing a light blue silk tank top with puppy pajama pants, and jeongin was wearing the pink flannel pants changbin had worn the night before with a white t-shirt.
"i packed you some!" minho smiled, reaching in his bag and taking out a pair of black fuzzy pajama pants. "chan-hyung said you don't sleep with a shirt so."
changbin bowed gratefully before starting to peel off his clothes, no one was looking as he put the pants on, the were looking however when he took his shirt off.
"holy shit that's a big tattoo." jeongin exclaimed, covering his mouth as the curse word slipped in front of chan.
"yeah." changbin stated, leaning back into the loveseat and giving jisung his hand, happily suprised as felix curled into his opposite side and grabbed his other.
"you've been claimed by the sunshine twins, good luck getting up tomorrow." minho giggled as the movie started playing again.
"what are the white lines, hyungie?" felix asked, him and changbin were the only ones still awake at the hour of 4 in the morning. felix and a sleeping jisung were now basically on top of changbin who was sitting criss cross, two heads in his lap.
"what?" changbin breathed out, there's no way, there's no way felix saw them.
"the little white lines on your arms, jeongin wanted me to ask you about them." the boy stated innocently.
"don't worry about it, go to sleep." changbin smiled painfully.
"okay." felix hummed, letting his eyelids close.
"you're still awake?" a groggy chan called as he saw changbin on his phone, gently resting his arms on the sunshine twins' heads.
"good morning, hyung." changbin teased, it was about 5 in the morning at this point.
"did you get any sleep?" chan asked, looking at his current position, jeongin was curled up in his lap, seungmin clinging to his right arm, hyunjin clinging to jeongin, and minho clinging to seungmin.
"no." changbin shook his head softly, running a gentle hand through felix and jisung's hair.
"why not?" chan asked concerned.
"lix asked me about the little white lines on my arms, said jeongin wanted to know what they were." he explained, it wasn't the whole reason but it was part of it.
"oh. i'll talk to them in the morning." chan smiled sympathetically, "is that really all?"
"just feelings." changbin added quietly, it felt weird opening up to chan.
"what feelings?" chan asked lightly.
"i feel at home." changbin smiled, looking around, "it's weird."