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Damien knows Shayne’s in love with him. Of course he does.
He figured it out within days. They had only hung out once or twice after So Random shoots, but Shayne had spent every moment they were together in the endless cycle of side-splitting laughter and breathless fascination that only comes in the beginning stages of falling for someone new. Damien knew, and he quickly resolved never to bring it up unless Shayne chose to on his own.
Still, he couldn’t resist leaning into those beautiful reactions every now and then. A suggestive glance here, a gentle touch there... it was human nature.
They had known each other for less than a week when Damien’s guilt got the better of him. He acknowledged it head on for the first and only time, sitting with Shayne at midnight in a Taco Bell parking lot and hoping he didn’t ruin the beginnings of a better friendship than he had found since...well, ever.
“Hey man,” he had said through a mouthful of burrito, “I just wanted to say, I really don’t wanna cross any lines here. I mean, I’m having a lot of fun hanging out with you, but I feel like you should know that I am actually straight. I don’t want it to ever come across like I’m, you know, messing with you or anything.”
God. It’s been over a decade and Damien still cringes so hard it nearly hurts every time he remembers that night.
He had rehearsed those lines over and over in his head before spitting them out, but he was completely unprepared for the reaction he got: “Yeah man, me too. What, did you think I’m… not straight? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but... you know, I am.”
But the splashes of red across Shayne’s face were discernible even under the fluorescent light of the restaurant sign and his eyes were doing that gentle, cautious thing they always did whenever Damien sat too close to him, and Damien knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Shayne was lying. Whether to himself or to Damien, he couldn’t be sure, but he knew damn well it was one of the two.
“Uh, oops. Sorry man, that’s my mistake. But still, either way... promise you’ll let me know if I cross any boundaries?”
“Of course! And uh, same to you! I wouldn’t wanna, you know, cross any lines or make you uncomfortable either.”
“I appreciate that, my guy!”
And that was all the permission Damien needed to take up his life-long mission of replicating that blush, and of seeking out the other little Shayne Topp reactions wherever he can find them. Honestly, he’s addicted to them. He lives for broken eye contact in response to a well-aimed compliment, for gasping laughter in an otherwise-quiet room, for the way the three syllables in Damien’s name seem to stretch a little longer on sleep-deprived nights when they’re laden with Shayne’s bashful affection.
But Damien is careful. He knows to back off a bit during the times when Shayne starts a new relationship, or when one too many commenters speculate on the secret meaning behind Shayne’s cuffed jeans and unknowingly burden him with weeks of self-consciousness.
Damien knows when to lean in, too. He’s practically memorized the way that a single flutter of his eyelashes can bring Shayne back to Earth on bad days regardless of how many cameras are around to catch it. On even worse days, he knows a tight hug and a whisper of you’re so loved can help, but he can’t use too many of those. There’s a weight on his conscience always reminding him to leave space for someone else, to make extra room between them for the possibility of a future partner understanding Shayne like he has, although in all the years they’ve known each other nobody has even come close.
There are days when it’s mostly for himself, too. Sometimes Damien orders one too many shots of espresso in his morning coffee and lets himself enjoy the thrill of the game a little too much. Some days Shayne just looks so damn pretty that he can’t hold himself back.
As far as Damien is concerned, it’s nothing more than harmless fun. If he notices Shayne changing the subject a little too fast after a particularly forward comment, he doesn’t mention it. And if Shayne notices the times when Damien’s explicit “jokes” toe the line between deadpan humor and blatant honesty, he doesn’t let on about it. He laughs them off and moves on with the conversation, just as Damien expects him to.
They have a good thing going, and the longer it keeps up like this, the more tempted Damien feels to keep it going forever. After all, who says bros plus isn’t a valid relationship to build your life around? It’s been the most consistent part of his entire goddamn adulthood and he doesn’t plan on changing that any time soon.
~
It’s the fucking onigiri that does it. Of course it is.
Damien isn’t sure why he does it. He has been feeling a little bit more confident in his appearance today, but more of his attention is on Shayne acting like such a brat throughout the entire video. They’re playing OH! MOCHI! and Shayne is resorting to such advanced tactics as running away from his opponent and shrieking like a feral monkey and yet somehow he just keeps winning, and Damien wants nothing more than to wipe that obnoxious confidence right off his adorable little face.
And if he’s honest, he’s getting tired of the nonstop comments asking whether or not he’s sleeping with Saige, and he almost wonders if pandering to the Shaymien shippers would help balance things out a bit.
So he revels in Shayne’s flush when he scolds him for being obnoxious, allows himself to keep pushing when blood rises behind those stubbly cheeks in response to Damien’s low-toned teases.
He suggests holding eye contact during his punishment on a whim and checks for Shayne's reaction, and he doesn’t see a “no.” If anything, he sees a “please.”
So he does it.
He makes a joke of it at first, cartoonishly stretching his lips toward the cinnamon sushi monstrosity as if to say yes, I realize this looks like a blowjob before shoving the thing as far down his throat as he can manage. He takes more than anyone on set expects him to and he blinks right up at Shayne, eyes screaming you did this to me, because he just knows his friend has thought about him like this before and he doesn’t want to let go of the moment just yet.
And then he closes his eyes and groans around the onigiri for the camera as if he can even taste the damn thing when his full attention is locked on Shayne’s valiant attempt at acting normal. Shayne’s doing it again, the how do I make jokes, what do I do with my hands, please don’t notice that I’ve completely lost my chill thing Damien loves too much, and he feels the familiar guilt start to pool in his stomach. This is further than they’ve pushed it in quite some time and something tells him today was the wrong day for it.
Maybe he should apologize for it right then and there, but he doesn’t. Not when they already have plans to hang out tonight anyway. He trusts he’ll be able to bury this moment in takeout and video game banter and forget all about it by the time tomorrow rolls around.
~
When Shayne comes over that night, Damien doesn’t even last five minutes without apologizing. Of course he doesn’t.
They’re sitting on the couch flipping through Damien’s XBox looking for possible games to play and there’s really nothing wrong, the air isn’t even thick between them, but he can’t shake the feeling that it should be. Shayne should be placing a boundary, standing up for himself. Damien's instincts tell him he took his joke a step too far and he won’t be able to sleep tonight if Shayne doesn’t know that he regrets it.
It tumbles out of his mouth without permission.
“Hey man, I’m really sorry for-”
For what? His brain can’t settle on an option: for earlier, for messing with you, for taking it too far again in front of the fans.
“For deepthroating Mark’s sushi from hell and staring up at me like some kinda weeb version of Betty Boop in the middle of a shoot?”
Damien blinks.
“Yes?”
“It’s cool, man. I forgive you.” Shayne keeps searching for a good game, unfazed by Damien’s apology. “It was kind of a dick move, but I totally deserved it after being a fuckin’ Disney villain for that entire game.”
Damien scoffs, offended and a little impressed by Shayne’s nonchalance.
“Well, I never said you didn’t deserve it. I just said I was apologizing.”
“Oh, so you do think I deserved that?”
“Do you disagree?”
“Well, I don’t know if my dumb bit was really bad enough to justify…”
“Justify what, Shayne?”
Shayne’s fidgeting with the controller. The rise and fall of his chest has slowed down, a clue Damien picked up on years ago that means he’s trying to stay calm. It’s endearing to witness, but unnerving when it happens in response to something Damien said. He hates feeling like a stressor Shayne needs to calm down from.
“You know, what I said earlier.”
“Wow, Shayne, I didn’t realize weeb Betty Boop was so repulsive to you. That’s pretty hurtful, man.” Damien smiles despite himself. Torturing Shayne would be a lot less tempting if he weren’t so goddamn cute all of the time.
“Huh? I didn’t say you were- hey, I like Betty Boop!”
“And you like weebs?”
“Yeah!”
He falters for a moment, mulling over some punchline he must not be able to put his finger on, and Damien bites back a grin. The silence lasts for just one excruciating second before he helps the poor guy out, the last vestiges of guilt in his stomach quickly fading.
“You know, Shayne, I would’ve thought that would be a ketchup and ice cream sort of situation. Great on their own but not so hot when they’re combined.”
“So? There are worse kinks out there.” Realizing what he’s just said, Shayne turns a deep shade of purple and rambles on twice as fast. “You know, some people like pineapple on their pizza and that’s a whole thing already. That’s kinda like ketchup on ice cream. Plus, Betty Boop is animated, so that kinda works with the anime thing. It makes sense.”
“Shayne.” Damien gives him puppy eyes, places a firm hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay, buddy. You can be into whatever weird bullshit you want. I won’t kink shame you.”
“Hey, I didn’t say-”
“Buddy, we all saw your reaction to the weeb Betty Boop. Tensed up, red, unusually awkward… it was literally a complete 180 from the chaotic evil bullshit you were pulling during the actual game. No shame, bro. We're all into some weird things.”
“What? I do that all the time! That doesn’t mean anything.”
“I know you do it all the time. You’re doing it right now.”
“See? Doesn’t mean anything.”
“No?”
“No.”
“So if I- hold on.”
Damien hops off the couch and does a quick survey of the kitchen. He glances through two or three cabinets before grabbing a popsicle out of the freezer and plopping back onto the couch with it.
“If I were to shove this whole thing down my throat right now, you’re telling me it wouldn’t affect you at all?”
“Yes, because I’m not thirteen years old and I also don’t have a fetish for weeb Betty Boop.”
“Okay, then look at me.”
Damien watches Shayne gently set the controller down, eyes trailed on Damien’s hands as he removes the wrapper. He actually kind of hates popsicles: sticky fingers are hell on his OCD and ice cream is usually better anyway. But for the sake of making a point, because he’s feeling bitchy today and because he wants to see those cheeks darken again without the distraction of a filming crew, he tries to enjoy the cold sliding against his lips.
He can’t guess the flavor: cherry or strawberry? It doesn’t matter since he’s far more focused on the performance. He pushes two thirds of the treat into his mouth and lets his eyes drop closed before twisting it out again, following the melty drips with his tongue before they have a chance to make a mess.
When he looks back up, Shayne is still as a statue, mouth open and eyes wide. His hands are sitting awkwardly on his thighs.
Damien senses he’s taking it too far again and makes the first joke he can think of: he holds the popsicle out to Shayne and raises his eyebrows in a silent, “want some?”
Shayne blinks at him once, twice, before carefully plucking the stick from Damien’s hand and lifting it to his mouth. He hazards one glance at Damien before letting his eyelids fall shut and popping it into his mouth.
Damien’s heart stutters at the image of Shayne’s tongue swirling around the red. He twirls the stick in his hand and sucks down on the ice and for once, Damien’s the one who’s hyperaware of the heat rising in his cheeks because holy shit, Shayne is really doing this, and for some reason Damien doesn’t want him to stop.
It lasts until the popsicle is gone and Shayne gingerly brings his hands back to his lap, hanging onto the wooden stick like his life depends on it. There’s a faint line of red where his lips meet, slick and plump from the cold, and Damien can’t pull his eyes away. Panic rings in his ears, thoughts screaming careful careful careful. This is way too real and he needs to shut it down.
Shayne fidgets, keeps his eyes on the TV.
“Sorry, I don't know why I-”
“No.” Damien cringes at the bite in his tone as Shayne flinches. Fuck. He’s losing control.
“No?”
“No. Don’t apologize. I did it to you first, we’re even.”
“Well-”
“Except we’re not, because when I did it to you it was in public. Jesus Christ, I can’t imagine feeling like this on the Smosh set. I’m so sorry I did that to you, man.” He isn’t planning any of this, the words just keep spilling out faster than he can control them and it’s absolutely terrifying.
“What? Damien, it’s fine.”
“No, it’s really not. I shouldn’t fuck with you like that.” Damien’s heart is pounding against his chest, anxious thoughts screaming shut the fuck up about this but he can’t override the guilt that’s been clawing at him all day. “You’re right, we aren’t thirteen, we’re adults who shouldn’t still be treating this like a stupid game.”
“Treating what like a game?”
“This. You know, the...flirting thing. Banter, whatever you wanna call it. It’s going too far, it isn’t cool.”
Shayne sucks in a shaky breath. He looks Damien dead in the eyes, tries to steady his voice.
“Okay. I get that you feel bad about earlier, but I told you I deserved it! The video was hilarious. I know you worry about these types of things but you don’t need to this time because it didn’t upset me at all, okay?”
“It should have upset you, Shayne. If it didn’t then that’s an even bigger problem because I don’t know if I can trust you to tell me if I cross a line anymore.”
“Anymore?”
Shit. Damien’s floundering and he can feel it. Half of his brain is still begging him to shut the fuck up before he says something stupid, but for some reason, he just can’t. His eyes are glued to Shayne sitting next to him and he’s looking so vulnerable, so desperate for this problem to go away, so guilty as if he was the one who messed up. Damien’s heart can’t take it.
“You told me once that if I crossed a line, you’d tell me.”
“What? Damien, you’ve officially lost me.” His eyes are busy, it looks like he’s flipping through memories of their heavier conversations trying to figure out what Damien means. He freezes as he cautiously offers, “...You mean back at Disney?”
“You remember? You said you’d tell me if I ever took things too far.”
“Yeah, because I knew I wouldn’t need to because you’re Damien. You never take anything too far. You’re the most considerate person on the frickin’ planet.”
“Shayne, just be honest with me, goddammit.” Damien’s voice is gentle and his heart hurts as he reaches for Shayne’s hand, folds it gently between his own. Logic tells him to let go but he knows physical contact helps Shayne relax and hell, there’s no going back from this anyway. He squeezes his hand tighter. “I know I take those bits too far sometimes, okay? I can feel it when it happens. It’s been that way ever since I was the annoying kid trying too hard to be funny back in middle school and I still fall back into those habits sometimes. You don’t need to lie about it.”
“No.” Shayne’s tone sounds more pissed than nervous now, his eyes staring fearlessly into Damien’s. “You’re being super nice right now because you’re Damien and that’s what you do, but you’re wrong. You didn’t go too far with the sushi thing. It was hilarious! I had been completely obnoxious that whole video and you shut me right up. It was exactly what you should’ve done, now can we please drop it?”
“Shayne, you know it was a bit, we weren’t actually mad about-”
“No, I am obnoxious. Not just in that video, like all the time. I’m literally known for being that one white guy that screams bloody murder for no reason on set. I know it and you know it and you can’t have taken that bit too far because I honestly deserve it.”
“Deserve wh-?”
“The humiliation! Damien, I know why you do it. You don’t have to talk to me like I’m stupid.” He looks down at their hands and squeezes spitefully, mouth pressing into a thin line. “I get it. You called me out on it back at Disney and you still think that to this day. And guess what? It’s fine. I don’t mind.”
“Shayne-”
“No, it’s fine! There are worse things in the world than everybody thinking I’m gay.” Damien feels helpless, wishes he had kept his mouth shut. He sits quietly, swallows his own fear as he watches Shayne gather up the courage to continue. “Everybody thinks that, Damien. Saige was here for what, a week before she figured it out? And it didn’t used to bother me because it’s not like being gay is a bad thing, but at this point it’s every person in my life telling me this and it’s getting hard to tune it out.”
“I didn’t-”
“You didn’t need to, Damien. I know you think I have... I don’t know, feelings for you. Whatever you wanna call it. Why else would you act like joking around with me was some huge failure of your integrity or something?”
Shayne’s eyes are frantic, searching Damien’s face for an admission. His chest is heaving like he’s running a marathon and he looks so vulnerable, so small, that Damien can’t handle it anymore.
He surges forward and pulls Shayne into a soft hug, launching into a response before he has a chance to react.
“So what?” Damien’s desperate to communicate himself properly. He presses his palms against Shayne’s back, leans firmer into the hug with everything he has, wonders if the slowing of Shayne’s heartbeat against his chest is real or all in his head. “So what if you have feelings? I have feelings sometimes. We’re adults, there’s nothing embarrassing about it. It’s fine.”
“No, Damien, it’s n-”
“It is! It doesn’t matter. You matter to me and no feelings you have are going to change that. I don’t care if they’re all strictly platonic, if they’re romantic, sexual, sensual… eventual…” Shayne huffs out the tiniest laugh. “...Mythical… Rhett and Link…”
Relief floods Damien’s body as Shayne shakes with laughter, the tension in his shoulders finally disappearing. He pulls back just enough to look at Damien properly through misty eyes.
“Don’t worry, I don’t have Rhett and Link feelings for you.”
“No? Ouch.”
“Oh what, you have Mythical feelings for me now?”
Damien takes a deep breath, relaxes his grip on Shayne and lets his hands rest loosely on his arms. He feels his mouth twist into the smallest smile. He always has taken too much pleasure in making Shayne happy.
He can’t be sure, but something tells him Shayne is really asking, and who is he to deny the man the truth?
“No, Shayne, my feelings for you are not mythical.” He holds his gaze steady, dares him to ask.
“Then what are they?”
“They are, ‘My chest feels like it’s full of helium every time I hear that giggle.’ They’re ‘you’re one of the smartest, kindest, most interesting men I know and you somehow become better every day.’ They’re ‘please wear that pink sweater more often because the way you look in it is so precious it sticks with me for the whole day even after I go home.’”
Shayne drains of confidence, ducking his forehead against Damien’s clavicle to hide his reaction. He’s a trembling mess in his arms and Damien isn’t even trying to resist his gravity anymore. He holds him tighter, keeps talking.
“My feelings for you are ‘I would give up everything I have at the drop of a hat if you needed me to,’ they’re ‘how the fuck do you make me happy on days when I’m running on two Red Bulls and one hour of sleep,’ they’re ‘I have to force myself not to kiss you on the forehead every damn time we hug.’”
“Every time?” Shayne lifts his head and his voice is shaking, eyes wet and huge, and Damien feels like his heart is going to burst out of his chest.
“Every time up to now because this time I’m just gonna do it, if that’s okay with you?”
Laughter bubbles out of Shayne’s trembling frame as he beams up at Damien, bright and soft and the most beautiful thing Damien has ever seen. He nods and Damien wastes no time pressing his lips to his forehead, squeezing his arms tighter around Shayne and rocking them back and forth a bit. He traces down Shayne’s arms and laces their fingers together, kissing his forehead again and again, trying to memorize the soft of his skin and the floof of his hair under his nose.
And then he kisses lower, landing one right between those bright blue eyes, then a quick one on the tip of his nose. He presses their foreheads together, tries to ground himself in his body because he knows this is a memory he wants to keep forever.
“Hey Shayne?”
“Hmm?”
“You said you have feelings for me too, right?”
Shayne giggles, brushes the tips of their noses together. “Did I?”
“I, uh… I actually don’t remember.”
“Wooow. That’s pretty messed up, man.” Shayne presses his lips to Damien’s nose, quick and soft. “What were my options again? Platonic, romantic, sexual, eventual, Rhett and Link?”
“Gotta be honest, man, I’m really only interested in if you have the feeling that you wanna kiss me or not.”
“Oh, that one?” Shayne pulls back enough to catch Damien’s gaze, blue eyes sparkling with affection. “Yeah, I’ve been feeling that one every day since... well, remind me when we started back at Disney?”
“Not a clue, my guy.” Damien presses a few fingers against Shayne’s stubble, tilts his chin up and kisses him, attempting to channel a decade of affection into one press of his lips. He doesn’t feel like he quite got it, so he kisses him again and again and again. He can taste the trace of popsicle on his lips and he's drunk on the feeling so fast it makes his head spin.
When they break apart, it’s gentle. Shayne nestles his head against Damien’s chest and they stay like that for a long moment, breathing together.
“So uh, to answer your question…” Shayne clears his throat. “I’ve actually thought a lot about it, and I don’t know which of those words describe it best. Sexual or romantic or platonic, I dunno, it all blurs together. I think I just…” He takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly. “I think I just love you, man.”
Damien’s throat seizes up. He can feel the water pricking up in his eyes as it occurs to him how unbelievably lucky he is to have this man, his best friend, his whole world in his arms like this.
He guides Shayne’s head back, presses one more kiss to his lips.
“I love you too, Shayne. Always have and I always will.”