Work Text:
Air moved through her lungs as a figure sat upon the plush comfort of the simple mattress, purposely breathing slowly and deeply, her fingers gripped and dug into the material of the bed underneath her. Here she was… again.
Byleth sighed out as she raised her head, her indigo hair flowing around and over her shoulders as she looked up into this same room she had become so familiar with. Right now, in this timeline, she had barely been in this room for a single night. However, she knew these four walls so very, very well. She had explored her own mysterious life, the deep unknowing depths of her own emotions, the warm bonds she had shared with her students, the cold grief of suffering, she had seen it all again and again and again.
The weight of living the same life, as the professor at Garreg Mach Monastery, then again as a General in one of the Fodlan armies, the heaviness of such a life fell on her shoulders. How many times could she do this? How many times can she do this…? Is she even doing the right thing? What… is she looking for? By repeating the same history over and over again… she wasn’t sure what she was even doing anymore, what was she hoping to accomplish? A way to save everyone? To stop the killing, the dying? Is… there even such a way? Or is she… only deluding herself…
Her fingers dug harshly into the light, soft material once more, the dark build-up of grief invisible to everyone but herself, clinging to her insides, weighing her down, the sticky corruption rotting away inside her, poisoning her. So often it was all too much, she wasn’t sure if she could do it all again. Maybe… she should just run away? Leave the monastery to it’s fate, leave the war to run its course naturally, without her.
But the loyal teacher to the future leaders of Fodlan could only laugh at such a stray idea.
That was impossible.
No matter how much it hurt, no matter how many times she had watched the people she cared about fall and die, or worse… point their weapons and hate and confusion right at her. She could never turn her back on them, she could never just do… nothing.
On the outside she may still show the ever impassive face of the same Ashen demon that killed without a flinch, the mercenary fulfilling a mission with nary a word spoken. But on the inside, her emotions roiled, they had grown and blossomed, opening a hidden maw inside her as she had grown close to the people here, she had at first thought it was a good thing, as much as she didn’t understand it. But now… it hurts. Worse… she didn’t know how to talk about it to anyone.
She had felt so warm back then, getting to know everyone, being a team, feeling the first touches of emotions, but now… she felt so cold… and empty. She actually sometimes missed… feeling nothing.
Byleth gritted her teeth, telling herself that maybe… just maybe, she would find a way this time. Some way, a hope that she could fix things this time. That no one had to die. That everyone could just...be happy. That cloying rot dragging her insides down only weighed heavier as she thought that. It was all she wanted, to have that happiness once more, to see the smiles on the faces of the students once more, it was all she wanted now.
Forcing her jaw to loosen as she stood up off her bed, this was it, today was the day, she would pick her house, she would be the close confidant of one of the leaders once more. She wondered who she should pick this time, she was certainly no stranger to them now.
Byleth swallowed thickly, she would never get used to this.
Checking over her clothes and armour, delaying her decision if only for scant seconds, but even that could not last forever, with doubts plaguing her thoughts, she made her way for the door, bright sunlight flitted in from the window, warming the room she knew she would be in for months to come.
Birdsong too wormed its way inside, following the light, such a peaceful morning, a beautiful day that should have brought a smile to her lips. However, when her soul knew what was ahead of her, she didn’t feel like smiling anymore.
The indigo mercenary placed her fingers upon the simple wooden handle of her door, pressing down the hard lever and pulled…
Cold met her, the chill swept through bones as the darkness of night whirled around her, cloaking her in shadows. Her vision blurred as a sharp lance of confusion speared her, Byleth’s heart shot to her throat as her mind struggled to fathom what had just happened.
She… knew this place.
This was the goddess tower, the rundown building that had played backdrop to such important events in her life. The familiar bricks and stone met her as she stood there, how… how did she get here?
But Byleth had no chance to figure out what had happened, a flash of bright crimson drew her attention… the familiar red robes, the same pure white hair, those same violet eyes… Edelgard! But it was not the young student that should have greeted her, the sharp features of the Emperor of Adrestia met her gaze. Byleth’s eyes widened, this wasn’t right! Those acute eyes of Edelgard’s narrowed, her lips thinned as she drew her sword, the metal gleaming even in the dim light of the torches. She was just as magnificent as Byleth remembered her, with such burning anger and righteous rage hidden behind a veil of absolute control.
Byleth remembered this too… right after she had awoken, in one timeline they had… crossed blades, no longer friends, but as enemies. Byleth knew her role, but she was too shaken to play her part. She didn’t want to do this anymore.
She could only watch as Edelgard von Hresvelg, the Emperor… the Black Eagles house leader… her friend… charged her. Weapon drawn, striking at the teacher of Garreg Mach.
“Edelgard!” Byleth reacted, shouting the name that came unbidden to her lips. Byleth’s arms rose in a vain attempt to protect herself, cold, icy panic laced through her, what was happening?!
Searing hot liquid tumbled onto her lap, the burning fluid bit through her shorts and stockings and dug into her skin. Byleth gasped as her body reacted on automatic, clutching at the tea cup still in her hand, even as her mind raced to catch up. Not understanding what was going on as the image of Edelgard’s sword cutting through the air and making its way towards her was the last thing she had seen…
“Professor!” Are you okay?!” That voice… that same voice. Byleth jerked her head up even as the searing liquid pooled and dripped down her thighs. There she was, Edelgard, the Black Eagle house leader, the student. The panic on her face, the concern that flooded her familiar features, the complete opposite to the image of what she had just witnessed, stark contrast to the cold, unfeeling Emperor. The leader shot up from the small table they had apparently been sharing, but Byleth could only see the hatred from seconds ago, she jerked away from the student and right off her chair… falling to the grass underneath her…
Byleth couldn’t help the blast of air that escaped her lungs as she landed on the hard floor with a whump, slight pain washing over her back. Drips of water cascaded down upon her, this liquid was cool… rain. The small droplets fell against her skin even as she struggled to draw in a breath.
“Teach?” You alright?” She knew that voice… Claude. Her eyes scanned for him, there he was, just to the side of her prone form, that same slippery grin of his adorning his face, even as the mirth began to spread into his eyes. What had just gone on for him to have such a look? What was happening? Why was this happening?! Dizzying confusion burst inside her head, this wasn’t right, how was this happening?!
“Professor, you really should look where you are going. Didn’t Jeralt teach you that?” Byleth’s eyes snapped to the new speaker, Leonie, her hands against her hips as she stared down at the prone teacher, the soft, gentle face of someone so close to her dad they might as well have been sisters. The annoyance evident on her features quickly began to melt to warmth as she stepped forward and flung out an arm for Byleth to take. Pulling the form of the ex-mercenary up off the training hall floor.
“Ma’am! Are you okay?” Byleth blinked, it wasn’t Leonie who was now helping her up. As she rose to a standing position the person that greeted her was the helmeted face of an unknown soldier. Things had changed once again, her heart thundered in her chest, where was she now? When… was she now?!
Thunder roared overhead, matching the feeling exploding in her chest, rain pelted down harshly, creating a dangerous torrent of gushing water, almost blinding her. But it wasn’t enough to blank out the field before her, another battlefield. She didn’t know which one, she didn’t know what side she was supposed to be one. She didn’t want to be on any side at all. Byleth craned her neck around, all around her was fighting, all three armies were present, clashing, killing, dying. All around her. Again. Her hair was sodden and covered in wet mud, sticking to her face, she reached up to brush drenched strands out of her eyes, crimson liquid greeted her vision when she took her hand away. Was that her own or….
She didn’t finish that thought process.
Byleth dropped her dripping hand, allowing the rivulets of blood to run down and drip from her fingertips, she was currently holding on that sword of hers, this blessed or perhaps cursed weapon only she could wield. The teacher tightened her grip as she stood among that raging battlefield.
Byleth blinked again, the skips were getting faster, nothing stayed the same for barely a few scant seconds anymore, she didn’t understand. Could not understand. Were her powers going haywire? Was she finally losing control? Or was she losing her grip on her own reality?
A crumbling city, it’s final days. Which city? Which one was it? Byleth couldn’t tell anymore. Screeches of wyverns rang out as deafening blasts of magic sounded out all around her. Byleth was starting to grow numb, she didn’t know what to do.
Up ahead she spied the familiar swath of orange among the fighting, Leonie, crimson stained her but she was still the same girl she remembered from the academy. She was focused on an attacker before her, parrying a strike intended to decapitate her. The focus and exhaustion evident on her face. Byleth’s eyes darted to movement a little ways behind her student, a flash of another familiar colour, another familiar face. The hibiscus of Brigid, Petra. Nocking an arrow and… aiming right at Leonie!
Byleth was pulled out of her numb trance, she couldn’t watch this, not again, she couldn’t take any more death of those precious to her.
She ran.
Byleth sprinted across the field, raising her jagged blade, barely making it, just in time, just as the arrow loosened from Petra’s taunt bow. The instrument of death flinged across the war torn city and pinged safely from the weapon Byleth held up.
Time froze as both women turned their faces towards her. Petra’s was one of pure shock. Confusion and panic alighting her eyes as she lowered her weapon… wait.
The ex-mercenary turned to the student she had just saved, the member of the Golden Deer house so close to her father…
To see the same confusion darken her features, this time… mixed with hate. The dark twisted look on Leonie stood out in the din of battle, like a punch to the gut even as the girl quickly jerked away and pulled out a knife...
Just what… side was she supposed to be on?
Byleth blinked, things changed, the happy scenery of the academy, another blink, the dead all around her, another, Rhea’s draconic form towering overhead, another, a crest beast bearing down on her, another, the angry, frothing boar prince piercing her through, the pure agonising pain lasting for only a second before it changed once more. The dead body of her father cradled in her arms...
Again and again and again.
Stop it… another change. Stop it… another. Stop it!
Warm, cold, hot, freezing, rain, dry, day, night. It all cycled and spun around, twisting and curling together like liquid in a raging river, her memories and timelines all mixing together. Her heart hammered and thundered in her chest, she shut her eyes tight against the onslaught of images. Too much, too much! Panic ran through her veins, freezing her, feeling so numb and yet unable to handle the torrent of information all at once. Her mind struggling to comprehend what was happening. Light cuts and deep wounds opened and closed on her body, harsh touches and warm words flitted to her ears, the same voices over and over, kindness and hatred passing by in the span of a single breath. Too much… she couldn’t take it anymore.
Nausea filled her form, weakening her, taking her strength, she fell to her knees, meeting hard rocky ground, her mind swirled around her as if she was on an unruly and bucking horse, angry and lashing out at her. Sickness filled her gut, another wound spread on her neck… a mortal one… she felt that for barely an instant, but enough to drain the colour from her face, her stomach finally panged with pain as it cramped and…
Vomit hit the grassy floor.
Byleth could only concentrate on breathing, in and out… in and out. She focused her attention on that now. It was all she could do, try and keep it together. Her fingers dug into the grassy earth beneath her, her stomach shouted at her, even as her heart and mind panged and did the same. Her body was weakened, her strength had left her, she was done…
The rush of vertigo claiming dominion over her mind was finally slowing, easing off even as she tentatively opened her eyes. The same grass she was feeling greeted her… where...was she now?
“Hey, kid.”
That voice behind her… it… couldn’t be… could it?
She hadn’t been able to see him much since this whole affair had started, no matter how many times she went back she couldn’t stop him from going out working for the church… and then later… she could never change his fate… no matter how hard she tried. So then… what was this?
Byleth wiped her panting mouth, cleaning off a mix of stomach acid and sweat before she slowly turned around where she was sitting. There he was… her father… Jeralt Eisner. Standing right behind her, he too bore a look of confusion adorning his features but his… had never been marred with hate towards her, never bore the look of an enemy. Her dad… had always been on her side, and she, on his. That had never and would never change. Byleth had missed him, she had missed him so, so much. She had never opened up about it or talked about it… she didn’t know how to… but she had always missed him.
Tears came unbidden to her eyes as she took in his form… begging whatever would listen to her that time stayed as it was right now, don’t change… don’t move away from this moment… whenever this is… please don’t.
“Byleth… everything okay?” His voice leaked into concern as he appeared to take in her disheveled appearance. She opened her mouth to answer, but her dry mouth gave no words, instead she managed to raise herself up on unsteady and weak legs, she forced herself up, she needed this.
Tears once more fell for her father, they ran down her cheeks as they met at her chin, her father could only stare at her, his eyes matching hers. Confusion and shock met in his features, his eyes watering as a tear too fell down his face.
“You… are crying…” Jeralt whispered, surprise in his words, Byleth had almost forgotten, her father had never seen her cry before his death, had never seen any emotion from her, she was a different person to how her own father had known her.
She didn’t have the strength or the energy to explain, instead she ran to him, for perhaps the first time in her entire life, Byleth ran to embrace her father. The thought had never crossed her mind before, he had always instigated any contact, especially loving or caring, but this time… she launched herself at him and encircled her arms around him, afraid he would literally disappear before her very eyes. His warmth bled into her, feeling his care for her, she needed it, her empty, cold soul needed him.
Great protective arms encircled her right back, the warm sun high above them, a calming light breeze swirling around them. Finally… finally, it was calm around her, her heart beginning to slow as her breathing did the same. A hand settled on the back of her head and slowly caressed her indigo hair, she couldn’t help her heart soaring at such affection… she never felt like this before… it made her chest sink right after at the thought of just how much she had missed out on.
“I shouldn’t be happy to see you cry… sorry…” He mumbled out to her, but that only raised a smile to her tired lips, a small laugh managed to break through.
“It’s okay…” She whispered a response. Him being here was more than enough.
“What’s wrong?”
That broke the spell over them both, the warm bubble burst as she pulled away from his comfort, to stare up at his warm smile, tear stains along his cheeks. How could she tell him? How could she tell him what was eating her up inside?
“I’ve always been here for you to talk to, you may have never taken me up on it… but you’ve always been able to. Let me help you.” Byleth eyed him, there was a pleading edge to his voice… she had never asked him for anything in her whole life. She had never ran to him or asked him for advice… maybe… this was her chance. But… should she?
“I…” Byleth started, before looking down, she couldn’t speak while looking at her father. “...I don’t know what to do.” She didn’t know if she was doing the right thing, but somewhere in her heart she needed, wanted, desperately, to talk to him. So many things she had wanted to say if she could, they were so prominent in her mind, but they fell away like rain drops until nothing was left but the pain of being unable to save those precious to her.
“What do you mean?” Jeralt pushed her. Of course he didn’t understand. How could he? She only smiled painfully up at him. She knew he wouldn’t but she carried on regardless.
“I can’t change what’s going to happen, people will die because I can’t change that, I can’t save them, I can’t save the people I care about.” Byleth’s voice broke at the end, the hard, emotionless ashen demon that Byleth used to be, was breaking in front of her father.
Jeralt removed his arms from around her, stepping back apace to speak freely.
“I don’t understand but… Byleth. Sometimes you can’t change what happens, no matter how much you might wish otherwise. We can only do what we can right now.”
“But…” She started, she had all these powers over time… yet they meant nothing. Why couldn’t she fix everything?
“I know that look… not a look I’ve seen in a long time.” He laughed deeply to himself. “Your mother wore that look.” That made Byleth snap her eyes back up at her father. His battle worn features softened into a smile. “You think something’s unfair, that you should be able to change it, but you can’t… can you?” That made the mercenary raise her brow at him, how can he read her like that?
“I’m right, aren’t I? You really are just like her, you know. You’ve never shown such expressions before, but… I’m glad you are now. Your mother was just the same. You want to save everyone, but sometimes that just… isn’t possible. Not even at the expense of yourself.”
“Listen kid…” He continued. “What matters is doing what you can. What Byleth Eisner can do… saving who you can, protecting who you can, but most of all… doing what you choose to do.”
“But I…” Byleth blurted out. She was doing what she chose to do… wasn’t she?
“Sometimes, the right path for us isn’t the one that other people tell us is the right one. We have to find that out for ourselves, and only we know it. No one else can tell us what we should do.”
But Byleth could only think about the people, her friends, her students dying… why couldn’t she save them all.
“You need to stop it.” Jeralt’s sudden harsh tone broke through her mind before she dropped back into the self-loathing pit she was often finding herself in. “You really are too alike to your mother right now… I still don’t understand but… I’m glad.” He sighed. “But… you need to stop it. You aren’t perfect. No one is. You can’t magic away everyone’s problems, you can’t solve everything yourself. No matter who you are. A peasant, a Queen, a mercenary… hell I don’t think even the goddess is able to do that.” Jeralt glanced away from her now, out into the far horizon.
“Byleth… I chose my path, I lost many close to me, but I’m still here, doing what I can. Protecting who I can.” he emphasised that part. “I am where I want to be, doing what I want to do. Please… that’s what I, all I want you to do.”
“I had to accept that I am but one man, I can’t do it all, and neither can you. Choose your path Byleth, the one you want for yourself… and see it through to the end… okay?”
Byleth stared at him as he finished. That seemed so simple yet almost… impossible. How could she stand by and watch her students die… but… she guessed that he too had been in such situations, made choices he didn’t want to make, but choosing his path anyway, walking down it to this very point. He didn’t seem to regret a thing. Could she really do that?
She… wanted to. She wanted to so badly.
She had performed this dance over and over again, even with the powers of a goddess on her side she had only been able to save a chosen few, no matter what she did. Maybe… maybe that was just the way things were. Byleth sighed out, a small pained smile at her lips. She didn’t like it, she didn’t think it was fair… but… maybe he was right.
Shouldering the burdens of every soul at the academy was simply impossible. Trying to save everyone and stop the war was perhaps foolish of her… she felt a small blush begin to creep into her features as she began to think of what a vain fool she was being. Maybe… she wasn’t this ‘Enlightened One’ that Seteth had named her, she wasn’t the Goddess reborn the people called her… she really was just… Byleth Eisner. The mercenary, the teacher, the person. A person wasn’t perfect, neither was she. Maybe… just doing what she could… was enough. It was such a cold thought but… maybe that was all she could do. Beating herself up for not being good enough, torturing herself by forcing herself down paths other’s told her were right had not worked so far, forcing herself through it over and over again was not helping anyone, least of all her.
She still wasn’t sure what she was going to do but…
She looked up at her father as he looked right back at her, a warm, soft smile at his lips. The caring gentleness alight in his eyes as he waited for her to work this out on her own, not interrupting her thoughts. How she missed him, even as close as she was now, she didn’t want to let him go…
Fresh tears made their way down her face now, she couldn’t stop the march of time, not even she, her father had made his own choices, and seen them through to the end. She had to respect that, she now had to make her own. Byleth didn’t know what they would be, but she would make them herself, regardless of what others said of her. And she vowed to do all she can to help those she cared about, to do everything in her ability, but she was no goddess, she could not control every detail of the world around her, and she needed to stop thinking she could if she just tried hard enough.
“Okay… okay…” Byleth whispered, mostly to herself. “Thanks… dad. I… miss you.” Byleth hiccuped to her father standing right before her. That made him beam another heartfelt smile. Byleth’s heart felt so full seeing him like that. “I really don’t understand you today at all Byleth… but that’s okay. I’m right here for you, I always will be, even when I’m not around anymore. I’m… so proud of you… I know your mother is too. We both are... and we will both always be with you.” Jeralt’s voice appeared to almost break at that. He coughed lighty, clearing his throat. “Anyway... enough of this, we’ve got everyone waiting for us back at camp, we can talk more there.” At that Jeralt turned and began to walk away, over the grass and toward his waiting horse, nibbling at the grass underfoot.
Byleth took a single step forward to follow him… when a pang of vertigo slanted her vision. The image of her father beginning to blur… she stopped in place. She wasn’t able to follow him, she watched his slowly blurring form as he walked onwards, leaving her behind. No… she wasn’t being left behind, he was always going to be with her. She took in his form as the bright world began to darken around her, a small smile peaked at her lips as another tear fell down her cheek. She wished she could run to him, hold him one more time, tell him how much he meant to her again and again. But… she had run out of time. And… that was okay. She couldn’t stop it just like she couldn’t really stop the march of time. Not really.
“Bye dad… thank you.”
Byleth stepped out into the academy… the bright sunlight beating down on her, the birdsong gently easing through the exterior. Her vision was still blurry at the edges but… Byleth glanced around. Was this where she started? It… looked like it.
“Ho there! Are you new here? Would you like to be shown around?” A student called out to her, she didn’t recognise him as someone she taught herself, but he seemed familiar enough. Yes… this had to be where she had started. She felt lighter somehow, the weight pressing down on her was not as suffocating as it had been before. Like she had sloughed off a heavy cloak, the burden falling to the floor as she walked out into the hot sun.
“No, thank you!” She called out to him. “I’ll be fine, I’ll work this out… in my own way.”