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When he finds Buck, he’s not all that surprised to see him perched on the edge of his bunk. He’s dragging his fingers roughly through his hair before he hunches over, burying his face in his forearms where they’re pressed to his knees. His phone lies discarded next to him on the bed. It’s not an unexpected sight, but it still squeezes Eddie’s heart painfully in his chest as he slips into the room quietly.
He should have known. That twisted up look on Buck’s face when he glanced at the caller ID, part painful hope, part quiet resignation, could only mean one thing. His parents called.
“Hey,” Eddie murmurs, sitting down on the bunk facing Buck.
He purposely scoots forward until their legs are pressed together. When Buck doesn’t even acknowledge his presence, Eddie reaches out, settling his hands on Buck’s knees and giving them a gentle squeeze. That move earns him a small reward, a blonde head lifting up, blue eyes flicking to look at him briefly before they look away again, down at the tangle his fingers are making in his lap.
“Sorry,” Buck offers, voice quiet and tight, like he’s fighting hard to bury whatever was dredged up with a simple phone call. He scrubs a hand across his face with a sniffle. “Tell Bobby I’ll be right out to take care of the dishes.”
“You think we’re worried about the dishes?” Eddie tries to keep his voice light and non confrontational, but somehow it still comes off a little incredulous. “Buck, we’re worried about you.”
Buck makes a noncommittal shrug as he draws in a shaky breath. Whatever he was about to say, however, dies on his lips as he hunches over again, fingers pressing against his eyes like he can keep the tears back by sheer force of strength.
It feels like there is something breaking apart in Eddie’s chest as he watches it happen right before his eyes. So he slides closer, bracketing Buck’s legs between his own. He runs his hands soothingly up Buck’s arms, settling them on the back of his neck with a gentle squeeze and leans forward, pressing a kiss to the crown of Buck’s head.
His breaking is quiet. No gasping sobs or wretched cries. Just stuttering breaths and fine tremors to speak of the devastation.
Buck’s past lives in him like a knot of scar tissue, harmless and unnoticeable most of the time. Talking with his parents, though, is like poking and prodding at it until it strikes a nerve. Then they just seem to press all their weight against the tender flesh until Buck is crumbling under the pressure, body rocked with phantom pains that echo for days after.
Eddie doesn’t need to know what words were exchanged. In the end, it always comes down to the same thing. Buck never feels like he measures up to their expectations, like he is good enough for them. And when he reaches out for some form of comfort or even acknowledgement of his worth, well it’s never granted.
Eddie doesn’t understand their relationship, would never claim to, he just always wonders if Buck’s parents are aware of the pain they cause. Because more than anything, Buck has always strived to be enough, to be good; a good firefighter, a good friend, a good partner, a good brother. To be a good son. And his parents? Well they just never seem to see that. They never really knew their youngest son growing up, never learned how to love him the way he deserved to be loved. And the ripples of that are wide-reaching now, pulling others into the tumultuous waters with them.
Despite the attempts at therapy, a simple ten minute phone call can still manage to undo all the healing Buck’s worked so hard for. And as much as he hates it, there is no way for Eddie to fix this for him.
“Buck,” Eddie murmurs, tipping Buck’s chin up until their eyes meet. He looks absolutely wrecked and it makes Eddie’s breath catch a little in his chest. “I love you.”
There might not be a lot Eddie can do, but he can do this. He can say this. And he will; will keep saying it until there’s no breath left in his lungs. Buck deserves to know how much he is loved, even if he doesn’t always believe it. So he presses his lips to Buck’s and repeats it again and again.
There’s nothing else Eddie can do but sit here in silence with him, to hold his hand and just exist with him in his misery.