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A FRESH WAY TO DIE
EPISODE #541 | THE SPA ON A DESERT PLANET
25/10/10 ABY
CHRIS
So, you’ve just bought a new speeder! You’re excited about breaking that record? Want to show off in front of your friends? Well, it’s now possible. But have you considered how easily it might be destroyed?! Whether hit by a stray blaster bolt, confiscated by the New Republic or perhaps smashed in a collision, your shiny new investment is just one bad moment away from being torn away from between your loving thighs…
[PAUSE]
Ugh, seriously…?
ALEX
Just read it.
CHRIS
...your loving thighs! Luckily, Corusurance takes these worries away. With Corusurance, your speeders, bikes and other high-speed ground vehicles can be insured against loss or damage! A Fresh Way To Die presents our listeners with a limited offer. Just use the offer code “freshway” for 15% off your first monthly payment! Go to the holonet page of Corusurance and use the offer code for 15% off your first payment. Conditions apply.
[MOODY, INSTRUMENTAL THEME SONG]
CHRIS
Hi, I’m Chris. This is another episode of A Fresh Way To Die, a show where we investigate the gruesome and jaw dropping, on-going mysteries of the Outer Rim. Welcome, all sentients! And hi to you too, Alex.
ALEX
Good one. Solid material tonight.
CHRIS
Thank you. We have a lot to get through in this episode. Lots of lovely fanholos, some really cool sponsors we’re going to mention, and, of course, a new investigative report on another bizarre incident on the edges of our galaxy. I’m really excited to share this one with you guys, because it truly has it all. Reinvention. Reclamation. Resurrection, possibly?
ALEX
If the rumours are to be believed. I, myself, remain skeptical. But we’ll let our listeners form their own opinions.
CHRIS
Duuude, our intern literally interviewed him.
ALEX
I mean… yes, but it was Jim. They also said once that they met a Togruta Jedi. You know, a rare species representative of a decimated order.
[CHRIS SNICKERS]
And their holocam just happened to run out of batteries.
CHRIS
[ Laughing ] Sure. Buut, Fett’s on tape in that commercial. Okay, so, for those of you listening on ships who are a little bit out of the loop, let me shine a bit of light on what the kriff we’re actually talking about. Drumroll, please?
ALEX
No.
CHRIS.
You— Okay. I’m just gonna say it. The famous Empire-aligned bounty hunter, Boba Fett, is alive.
ALEX
Now say the rest so our listeners get a full picture of your slide into incoherence.
CHRIS
Boba Fett is alive! Aaand... he’s running a spa resort on the desert planet of Tatooine.
ALEX
Just hearing that made my humidity vest seem tighter.
CHRIS
Well, he has a sauna, which you could enjoy… There’s something for everyone there.
ALEX
But not everyone can enjoy it. The place reportedly has the longest DNI list I’ve ever seen.
CHRIS
See, it’s not even the absurdity of the situation that gets to me. It’s the details. The “No New Republic allowed” sign on the door. The fact it’s on Tatooine. If it was some kind of elaborate gag, I almost think the pranksters would put more thought into it? I mean, it must be true and it must be genuine because I cannot believe anyone would try to run a con while explicitly advertising their enterprise as [ mimicking ] “uuuhhhh... de-slimed”.
ALEX
Well, the resort is reportedly not doing that well, if you can believe it.
[CHRIS SNORTS]
And it might have something to do with the commercial that went viral the last standard week, where a person claiming to be Boba Fett cautions viewers to ‘mind the spiderbrains’. But before we delve into it and run the reportage Jim prepared for us, let’s answer our fanholos.
First up, we have a question from Holoify user Tincankink. They say, “Hi! Big fan here, this is just the best podcast out there.”
CHRIS
Aw, that’s sweet.
ALEX
[ continues reading ] “I wonder if you’d be interested in doing an episode about the new king of Mandalorians. Rumours are, he’s out there in the Outer Rim, gathering his troops to take over their planet. I just love Mandalorians. If you guys could get him for your show I think I’d just pass out.”
Then there’s a string of emoji. Fire, a vegetable, a fruit and... water droplets? I'm confused.
CHRIS
Don’t worry about it. Tincankink, thank you for the kind words. The thing about Outer Rim is that whatever rumors you hear about what happens there should be simultaneously taken with a grain of salt and also amplified by about 75%. It is wild out there.
ALEX
It’s what keeps us in business.
CHRIS
Precisely. So, of course we heard the rumors about the self-appointed Mandalorian king. But there’s no way he’s taking Mandalore back. That planet was destroyed so many times over, the atmosphere is literally glass vapor. But... Alex here has a bold little theory about where that guy is right now. You have to hear it out, I mean my mind was blown to pieces.
ALEX
Oh... I… [ chuckles nervously ] You liked it? Well. I’ve never been accused of being bold before, but here it goes. Intern Dana intercepted a message about one of the Imperial remnants being destroyed a few months back, with Moff Gideon apparently on board. The Mandalorian King was present there. So I think he’s now on Coruscant, after getting a heavy reward for turning the captive in. Mandalore might be destroyed, but it was never an Outer Rim planet, neither geopolitically nor geographically. It used to be very influential. If he’s their king, he wouldn’t be hiding out there. He’s here, on Coruscant, no doubt whispering about his cause into the right ears. And... okay, I will do a drumroll now.
[THREE PLACID TAPS ON DESK. NOT MUCH DRUM OR ROLL.]
We have an episode already in the works.
CHRIS
[WHOO-HOOS]
Yes! Tincankink, you bet we will track him down! Well, intern Jim will, when they’re back from the Outer Rim.
ALEX
Yay. Now for another fanholo. “I used to really enjoy listening to you guys, but the shift in tone started to grate on me. By the way, Luke Skywalker is from Tatooine. Yes, one of those planets you make a lot of credits denigrating.” This is from Holoify user OuterRimming.
CHRIS
Okay, so I’d like to address that. You know, I think it’s really important for us to stay transparent about these things. I mean, these podcasters who never publish letters like this and just cherry-pick what fanholos they respond to, to convey this image of being universally loved... That’s— that’s just the worst and I would never want our show to have that vibe, you know?
ALEX
Of course not. We love all the feedback we’re getting.
CHRIS
And that’s all the time we have for fanholos. We’ll respond to the rest on our Holoify Premium account. As always, the main episodes are free, because we just love doing this for you, but if you’d like to support our channel more, check out Holoify Premium. For just 20 credits a month, you’ll get access to exclusive bonus content.
ALEX
And now we’ll play Jim’s report, recorded just for you guys, on the crime-ridden badlands of planet Tatooine.
[HOLOTAPE CLICKS ON]
[NATURAL SOUND: Low crowd murmurs. Overlapping footsteps. Low wind shifting sand. Muffled, jaunty cantina music playing in the background.]
JIM
Tatooine. If old folktales are to be believed, this planet used to be covered by lush forests and bountiful oceans, fraught with life in all its forms. Nowadays, it’s a barren landscape, with a few stubborn settlements hidden between sand dunes. The unforgiving climate here brings up stern-faced, steel-minded people, harsh as a sandstorm.
[PAPERS RUSTLING]
A planet on the edge of the universe, forgotten by history and politics. The apple of a slave trader’s eye. For generations—
[DOOR OPENING, CANTINA MUSIC AMPLIFIES]
UNKNOWN
Oi! Ye blocking the entrance, pal.
JIM
[ startled ] Oh! I’m sorry, I’ll— I’m actually recording here, if you have a moment to… Okay, you’re walking away.
[PAUSE]
Where was I… [ hums ] For generations, the Hutt syndicate ruled the planet unbridled by—
MILA
Look at you! You’re tall as a bantha, aren’t ya, darlin’?
JIM
Um… Thank you?
MILA
Don’t you want to come inside, to get out of the suns?
JIM
I just really like ambient village noise to be the background for this intro. [pause] Hey, do you have a moment to answer some questions? On holotape?
MILA
Why? You’re with New Republic?
JIM
No! No. I’m not weighted down by political affiliations. I’m just here to talk about the Spa that opened in Jabba's Palace. Did you hear about it?
MILA
Did I ever! I have a friend who has a cousin in Mos Pelgo who knows this one Tusken who goes there. Because, you know, Tuskens get 50% off on all services but also the snackbar. So they load up on off-world goods and then sell it to my friend’s cousin who then sells it to my friend, who sells it to me.
[Pause]
I'm short on saltcrackers but I should still have some candied jogan fruit. You want some?
JIM
Um. No, thanks, I should get to the Palace. But I'd like to talk to the people here and suss out what they think of that whole enterprise.
MILA
Ah, we can talk inside then. Coming in?
JIM
Yes! After you. [ excited ] Listeners, I'm about to enter the cantina on Mos Eisley—
MILA
I wouldn't wave that recorder around in there, if I were you.
[RUSTLING, SILENCE]
Do you see any bureaus or offices around? No. That's because we do business in here. Decisions are happening at every table, darlin’, and not everyone will be happy to have them saved for posterity.
JIM
[ gasps ] Yes, yes, of course. I’m turning it off. Listeners— Those of you who remember my report on the skirmish on Nevarro last year know what I’m about to get into. Outer Rim cantinas are nothing like their Core World equivalents—
MILA
Now you’re just letting the sand in…
JIM
Sorry, sor—
[HOLOTAPE CLICKS OFF]
[HOLOTAPE CLICKS ON]
JIM
It’s the twentieth standard day of 10th month, 10ABY. One. Put the decisions-are-happening line in the promo for the episode. Two. Make the promo for the episode. Three. Remind Chris and Alex to edit these audio recordings before airing the show. Four. Ah— Spread out the cost of renting the speeder around in expenses so it gets covered in full. I... might have gotten swindled a bit on the price. Five. Search the holonet for something called “B’omarr Monks.” What— Kark! Wrong app!
[HOLOTAPE CLICKS OFF]
[HOLOTAPE CLICKS ON]
[NATURAL SOUND: Slight wind noise. Shifting sand. A distant trickle of water.]
JIM
Listeners. After a short speeder bike ride, I’m now finally at the foot of the infamous Jabba’s Palace. An imposing structure that towers over the sparse landscape. [ pants ] During the long hours spent in hyperspace, I looked into the blueprints, at least the version that’s available on the holonet. If it’s to be believed, this building is even bigger on the inside. Several levels hide beneath the ground, interspersed by a network of tunnels. [ pants ] Kark, it’s so hot. I can literally feel the foundation sliding off my face.
[FOOTSTEPS, RUSTLING]
Okay, so one thing I can already authenticate is the “banned visitors” list next to the entrance. [ breathing heavily ] I— I have to get inside, out of this heat. The list seems to be as detailed as the one shown at the start and end of the viral holovid that brought me here. Fortunately, it appears I meet the criteria, though at this point I think I’d risk coming in even if I didn’t. [ weakly ] I can’t imagine wanting to use the sauna right now.
[DOOR CREAKING OPEN]
[DOOR SHUT]
Oh, it’s a bit dark in here. Maybe my eyes just need to adjust. But I can already feel better since my body is no longer cooking in the suns. The thick walls hiding us away from the harsh desert are enough to lower the temperature by a few degrees. As I mentioned, this place is much bigger than it appears. According to local folktale, the tunnels under the Palace stretch as far as the centre of Mos Eisley and were meant to be an evacuation route in case of siege. It doesn’t seem plausible that architecturally sound tunnels could be built underground in sand over such a long distance. There’s even a legend that they go around the planet. People at the cantina shared many stories like this with me, about the building, its history and what can be still found here. Some of the tales were so fantastical, I hardly believ—
[SKITTERING]
Ah! What? I… [ whispers ] I thought I heard something. [ normally ] Maybe it’s just the wind.
[SKITTERING]
What the kark… [ whispers ] Listeners, I’m in a large foyer-like area. It’s dimly lit. I think I’ll— [ yelps ]
THE MANDALORIAN
Hello. Welcome to Krayt’s Spa.
JIM
[ voice shaky ] H-hi. Sorry, I didn’t see you… Just... standing there.
[SILENCE]
THE MANDALORIAN
I’m on reception duty today.
JIM
Okay… This is the recep— yup. [ laughs nervously ] It’s a bit dingy, to be honest.
THE MANDALORIAN
[ coldly ] We’re planning to renovate.
[PAUSE]
What are you here for?
JIM
I’d like to talk with Boba Fett, if he’s indeed alive. I saw your commercial. It was… imaginative.
THE MANDALORIAN
Yes, well. It cost a lot of credits to produce and distribute. Come this way.
JIM
Thanks.
[FOOTSTEPS, LONG PAUSE]
Hey, you’re a Mandalorian, right?
THE MANDALORIAN
Yes.
JIM
Cool. Nice.
[SILENCE] [FAINT SKITTERING]
The next feature I’m going to make is actually going to be about your new ruler. I heard that he claimed the title a few months back, after slaughtering a whole Imperial cruiser with a ceremonial saber. Do you know where I can find him?
THE MANDALORIAN
[PAUSE]
No.
[PAUSE]
Why? Would you like to challenge him for the saber?
JIM
[ defeated ] No, I just wanted to talk to him. The material I have so far is so weak. It’s really hard to corroborate anything about you guys.
THE MANDALORIAN
[choked up] Thank you.
[TUSKEN WALKING BY]
THE MANDALORIAN
[ excitedly ] Hi!
[TUSKEN LANGUAGE]
[to Jim] We’re offering massages now, too.
TUSKEN
[TUSKEN LANGUAGE]
THE MANDALORIAN
Okay… Just the usual then… And we just restocked the saltcrackers...
[TUSKEN’S FOOTSTEPS FADE, THE MANDALORIAN AND JIM STAND IN PLACE IN SILENCE]
JIM
Huh. So Tuskens really only come in here for the food?
THE MANDALORIAN
For now. We’re expanding our services to attract new clientele. I’m certain Tuskens will come around once they see how well the Spa is run.
JIM
But for now, people of this desert planet are not exactly queueing to use your sauna.
THE MANDALORIAN
Oh, careful there.
JIM
[ snort ] I’m just asking questions. Trying to connect the dots on this investment plan of yours.
THE MANDALORIAN
No, I meant, don’t trip. There’s a monk behind you.
JIM
What mo-OOOOAAAAAH!!!!!
[RECORDER DROPS, SHOUTING, SCUFFLING, METAL RINGING]
[HOLOTAPE CLICKS OFF]
CHRIS
Wanna do something fun? Looking for a challenge? Bored? Check out Worst Friends! It’s a new, immersive puzzle game that will keep you entertained even though the longest hyperspace rides. Go through a fantastical land, gather resources, resolve puzzles and compare with others through the Worst Friends App! Alex has been playing it non-stop, haven’t you?
ALEX
Sure.
CHRIS
And…?
ALEX
It’s a good game.
CHRIS
Not only is it good, it’s constantly updated! If you’re like me and you don’t like to worry about running out of new puzzles, you can rest assured that Worst Friends will never disappoint you. You can download the app for free. Permission to view storage data required. Go to our holonet page of Worst Friends and start having fun today!
[HOLOTAPE CLICKS ON]
[NATURAL SOUND: Water dripping. Faint skittering.]
BOBA FETT
You know, they really are more scared of you than you are of them.
JIM
Debatable. I’m fine, by the way. Thank you very much.
THE MANDALORIAN
Bacta seems to be working. I think the bleeding stopped.
[SILENCE]
JIM
The tank— uh… pool’s nice. I don’t think I’ve seen so much water on Tatooine in one place before.
BOBA FETT
There’s a small spring deep within the Palace. It’s part why the Hutts kept the muzzle on the region for so long.
JIM
I see. [ exhales, content ] This room is really rather pleasant. Airy. I don’t think spider-brains go with the tranquil spa vibe, though.
BOBA FETT
Why? They are really docile.
THE MANDALORIAN
And once you get used to them, they’re pretty easy to ignore.
[FAINT SKITTERING]
JIM
Riiight. [ sighs ] I bet people would pay a good few credits to take a dip in cold water, sit in this comfy chair and just talk in peace. Why didn’t you advertise this part of the Spa in the commercial?
[SILENCE]
BOBA FETT
...There wasn’t enough time left.
JIM
[ confused ] Then… Why film all the explosions in the desert?
BOBA FETT
[ voice rising ] To get people’s attention! To stand out in the ocean of mediocre—
JIM
[ interrupts ] But you didn’t even put in the coordinates for this location...?
BOBA FETT
—run of the mill, forgettable ads— Wait, what?
JIM
There was no information on how to reach you included in the ad. You just mentioned ‘Old Jabba’s Palace’ once. As soon as I found out who this “Jabba” was, I narrowed my search to the Hutt’s Space, and, eventually, Tatooine.
[pause]
I guess that’s part of the reason why the commercial went viral so quickly. Well, aside from the fact that it marked your resurrection in the eyes of the public.
BOBA FETT
Who the fierfek are you, even?
JIM
I’m… I just want to ask a few questions for the “A Fresh Way To Die” podcast—
THE MANDALORIAN
We don’t have a lot of time for watching holodramas.
JIM
We’re not— [sigh] It’s an audio format. I’m sure you heard of MPR’s programming, right?
THE MANDALORIAN
What’s MPR?
JIM
Mid-Rim Public Radio. We broadcast daily on holonet…? I’m an intern there, but I mostly work on the podcast.
BOBA FETT
Wait a karking second. You’re not here for the Spa?
[FOOTSTEPS]
JIM
Oh, no, don’t go! Wait! [ loud ] No!
[FOOTSTEPS STOP]
[ slowly ] I traveled... half a galaxy to get here. Sweated my way through the desert on the way to your Palace. And split my lip running from these… monk-things! I think I deserve a moment of your time to ask just— a few questions our listeners would be interested in.
BOBA FETT
What is it then? The time I worked for the Empire? Being raised alongside a clone army? Top five highest paying bounties?
JIM
Nah, people don’t care about any of that anymore.
BOBA FETT
I’m not talking about sarla—
JIM
[ interrupts ] Here’s the first question, because I think it was the most requested one. I am more interested in the third one, but— We had a pool among listeners when the rumors about your reappearance first started after the commercial aired. Anyway, here goes: is it true that the famed smuggler-turned-rebel-turned-senator's-arm-candy, Han Solo, and you, used to be a thing?
[SILENCE]
[SILENCE]
[SILENCE]
[SILENCE]
[SILENCE]
THE MANDALORIAN
I’ll add “journalists” and “reporters” to the DNI list.
BOBA FETT
Thank you.
[SHUFFLING, RUSTLING]
JIM
Now hang on a sec—!
[HOLOTAPE CLICKS OFF]
[HOLOTAPE CLICKS ON]
[NATURAL SOUND: Shifting sand. Bantha calling in the distance. A cling of beskar.]
JIM
[ strained ] Sooo… Listeners… After a… brief interview with the Krayt Spa owner, Boba Fett, I was offered the opportunity to try some of the treatments myself. First, I was shown the newest attraction. While being led into a small cubicle might at first spike one’s anxiety and spur their mind into visions of carbonite enclosure, the compartment turned out to be merely a cryosauna. I was allowed a long, relaxing session while the crew talked over how much more of the palace they should show me. But the time I was let out, the hot Tatooine weather was but a distant memory. Then I was safely guided through the maze-like building, stopping on my way out to check out the massage… suite… that’s sure to leave anyone feeling refreshed and energized. Shortly before leaving the Spa I encountered one of the historic B’omarr Monks again. Not even Boba Fett’s firm hold on my arm was able to keep me still when witnessing this true Tatooine-exclusive wonder of body augmentation. I-I… I enjoyed a nice soak in a clean, hygienic pool to quell my excitement. The pool did not contain any floating particles of unknown origin— What? Alright, alright. [ grunts ] [ clears throat ] Definitely recommend all the amenities of this amazing, well-run establishment. Remember, if you’re a Tusken, you have a discount for ALL the services, not just the snack bar. Come check out the Krayt’s Spa in the Dune Sea, on planet Tatooine. Rated #1 Top Outer Rim Spa by me, just now. Definitely inspect the updated DNI list before arrival though.
[HOLOTAPE CLICKS OFF]
[MOODY INSTRUMENTAL THEME MUSIC, SHORT VERSION]
CHRIS
So, you just started a new business and you’re looking for a way to transport your goods. Gone are the ways of smugglers losing cargo and imposing their own fees. Change is upon the galaxy and its name is Shipspace. Our couriers are highly trained in goods retrieval and transport. With Shipspace you can easily post any goods within a parsec. Ask for a Shipspace representative at your nearest port. Shipspace. A new way to ship.
ALEX
So, it looks like Jim had a lot of fun on Tatooine.
CHRIS
Yup. I for one think they present irrefutable proof of Boba Fett’s return and conversion from a bounty hunter into a small business owner. What is that look on your face? You’re not gonna tell me you’re still not convinced?
ALEX
I’ll say… There might be some people out there who sound like Boba Fett.
CHRIS
Oooh! Now, that’s a comment that comes with a history lesson. But— be honest, would you visit the Tatooine spa?
ALEX
It wouldn’t be my first— or even one of ten first choices for a vacation spot, but the cryosauna does sound nice. And did Jim say they got free spa treatments? I’m jealous.
CHRIS
Interns get so many perks these days, getting to see all these peculiar places with all expenses paid... While us two losers are stuck here, doing the actual work. [pause] But we do it all for you guys and your continued support means the world to us. Don’t forget to like and subscribe!
ALEX
And thank you to Shipspace for sponsoring this episode. That’s it for tonight folks. Next episode we meet with the newly appointed, brutal king of one of the most violence-prone races in the galaxy: Mandalorians.
CHRIS
And that sounds like…
BOTH
A Fresh Way To Die.
[MOODY INSTRUMENTAL THEME MUSIC]
END OF TRANSCRIPT