Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

now will it matter after i'm gone?
because you never learn a goddamn thing

you're just a sad song with nothing to say

(mcr; disenchanted)

jeongguk

       jeongguk slowly ran his hands over the petite body of the girl sitting on his lap. what was the girl's name? soojin?

well, soojin, if that was really her name, was pretty hot. she wasn't exactly his type, but she looked like she wanted to sleep with him, so why not? after all, that was the reason why he came to this club.

       soojin approached him a few minutes after he entered the club, he was just waiting for his first drink at the bar.

"hey, baby." she greeted him as she placed her hand on his shoulder, her long fingers immediately playing with the fabric of his shirt. her touch was careful, but seductive at the same time. "waiting for someone?"

"hm, depends." jeongguk chuckled nonchalantly. "am i?"

she moved her hand to his chest to play with the buttons of his shirt, small smile was playing on her red lips. "i think so."

"oh, but i don't even know the name of the person i'm waiting for." jeongguk said seductively as he placed his hand on her lower back, indicating her to take a step closer.

she was now standing between his legs, both hands resting on his chest. "i think you're waiting for soojin." she giggled.

"yeah, i guess you're right." jeongguk grinned and took a sip of his beer. soojin smiled at him, her eyes glistening because of the reflectors.

it took him a moment to take in her appearance. she was wearing a short black dress paired with a red bag and red high heels. even her lipstick was red. she was really beautiful.

soojin cleared her throat after a few seconds of silence and he finally understood, what she wanted him to do. "okay, what should i order for you, darling?" he asked with a sigh. fuck, this was weird.

"oh no, you don't have to!" she said a little too loudly as she playfully punched him in the chest.

"come on, i'm paying for you today." jeongguk motioned for the bartender to take his order.

"give me a large vodka and-"

"mojito, please!" soojin added.

oh, this was going to be a long night.

       several hours and many, many drinks later, things finally started to blur for him. everything was different now; laughing at something soojin said, smoking a cigarette she offered him. he felt like it wasn't him that was in his body. like someone was moving his body while he was just a bystander.

touching her body no longer felt awkward. kissing her lips no longer felt wrong. everything was a blur.

yeah, the alcohol made it all easier for him. not only did it make soojin extremely vulnerable, it also made him forget.

oh, it almost seemed like the desire to forget who he really was had become a part of his life.

to forget the past, to forget the future, to forget the loneliness, to forget that he didn't actually like a woman's touch. to forget that he was just acting it all out.

yeah. anything that could make him forget was good. and he was willing to do anything to forget, if only for a moment.

and today it was the vodka and a line of coke he'd snorted in the club bathroom a few minutes ago.

god, what happened to him?

       the girl was sitting on his lap, sipping the mojito she'd ordered. he could tell she was drunk; it was quite obvious.

the music was too loud, whenever one of them wanted to say something, they had to shout in each other's ear.

because of that they stayed silent for a long time. it was nice. he even felt comfortable. he could finally relax a little.

some rock song was playing in the background now, so he decided to close his eyes to enjoy the moment even more.

       he was really enjoying it, but then soojin decided to break the silence. "hey, you want to see my nudes?" she giggled right to his ear.

what?

no. no, he really fucking didn't want to see them. didn't she understand that he didn't care about her at all?

"yeah, whatever." he sighed loudly. "show me."

the thing is, soojin was really fucking pretty. he may have been gay, but he wasn't blind, okay?

she had long wavy brown hair and her cheeks were covered in tiny freckles. it was good that she chose not to cover them with makeup. she had a nice smile and big, beautiful eyes. some would say she was perfect.

but her face wasn't what she was so confident about. that she had a perfect body was clear to him the moment he first saw her, but once she showed him the pictures, he was speechless.

he was sure that any other man would consider himself lucky if a girl like soojin wanted to have sex with him.

but he didn't consider himself lucky. in fact, he hated every second of her attention.

"so-" she placed her hands on jeongguk's shoulders, her face was really close to his now. "do you want to get out of here?"

jeongguk gripped her ass tighter. "let's have a few more drinks, baby? i don't want to leave yet."

actually, he wasn't ready.

no matter how many times he did it, he still felt weird. he still felt unsure and uncomfortable- this wasn't him at all. and he was disappointed in himself.

but if he wanted to succeed in this industry and still be able to have fun, this was the only way. become heartless and immoral. detach himself from his emotions.

it was the only way not to go crazy.

"give us one more round, please." he said to the bartender, who just nodded with a concerned expression.

soojin giggled about something on her phone as they got their drinks. jeongguk noticed the bartender hesitate for a second before speaking. "sir, i'm worried about your date, i don't think she should continue drinking."

jeongguk sighed loudly. yeah, he was probably right. "we'll get going after this drink, thank you for your concern."

the bartender just smiled and nodded. and jeongguk just hoped that soojin wouldn't complain about it.

let's get this over with.

"hey," he said into soojin’s ear as he handed her the drink. "are you okay?"

the girl placed her hand on his cheek with a wide smile on her face. "yeah, i'm fine."

"good."

"actually-" soojin kissed him on the lips, just a quick peck. "i can't wait to get out and have fun with you."

jeongguk forced a laugh. "yeah. i can't wait either."

the lie was so obvious that he almost flinched. thank god the girl was drunk out of her mind and had no idea.

       "you know-" soojin muttered as they waited for a cab outside the club. "you really remind me of someone."

fuck.

"hmm, really?" jeongguk kissed her neck, trying to distract her. he only wanted to place small kisses on her skin, but she had other plans.

the movement was so fast that jeongguk didn't even have time to react. before he could stop her, she placed her hand on the back of jeongguk's head and pulled him into a sloppy kiss.

he held her tightly by her petite waist, returning the kiss with the same desire with which she kissed him, causing her to moan into his mouth.

they kissed for a while, standing in the middle of the street, but an approaching taxi forced them to break the kiss. the girl seemed to really like it, even if jeongguk wasn't really into it.

       "oh, i know!" she broke the silence abruptly, causing the driver to look at them through the rear-view mirror. "you're famous, aren't you? you know, the singer?"

okay, that was it.

he had this one rule: once his partner realized who he was, it was time to step back and act like nothing had happened between them.

yeah, it was pathetic, but it was the safest way.

he really didn't want his fans to know. he didn't want anyone to know he was like this.

"tell me your address." he said in a stern voice.

"oh, we're going to my place?" soojin giggled as she rested her head on jeongguk's shoulder.

"can you please go to hers first?" he asked the driver, completely ignoring soojin's question.

"sure thing." the driver sighed loudly, as if his request annoyed him. as if he didn't want to be there at all.

well, there were two of them.

fortunately, it only took them a few minutes to arrive at soojin's address. "we're here." the driver announced loudly as soon as the car stopped.

soojin immediately opened the door, too excited to finally take him to her apartment. "let's go." she giggled, wrapping her long fingers around jeongguk's wrist to pull him along.

but jeongguk didn't move. in fact, he wasn't planning on going with her. "what's wrong?" she asked, the grip on his wrist tightening.

"i'm not going with you, you're drunk."

jeongguk hated this. he hated how hurt she looked, how her mouth dropped open in shock.

after a few seconds, she finally let go of his wrist. "but- you told me that-"

"you're not thinking clearly." he interrupted her in a stern voice. "get out." yeah, he really hated that.

he watched as she almost fell trying to get out of the car quickly, the high heels she was wearing making it almost impossible to walk.

she slammed the door with a loud "fuck you!" which only made jeongguk sigh loudly. it was always like this.

why would he do that?

he didn't really know either.

"are you sure she'll be okay?" the driver asked, concern evident in his voice.

"yeah, she’ll be fine." jeongguk shrugged as they both watched her from inside the car.

the moment jeongguk finished his sentence, soojin stopped in the middle of the street and threw up all over her red high heels. well, that was disgusting.

"let's just- wait until she's inside." he said with a sigh.

just so you know, he wasn't a complete asshole. even though he didn't care about this girl, or well, any girl he was with before soojin, he still wanted to make sure they were all safe. well, within reason.

       it looked like this was going to be another night spent in the company of a bottle of vodka.

it was probably better that way.

no commitments. no relationships. no one who could hurt him, and no one he could hurt.

all alone.

he was awakened from his sleep by the sudden ringing of his phone. what the fuck, he still had a few more hours before he had to wake up.

"yes?" he didn't even bother to read the caller's id. he just picked up and hoped for the best.

"jeongguk, what the fuck." seokjin's annoyed voice came from the phone.

"seokjin, you woke me up." he groaned. oh god, his head was pounding.

"i don't care, jeongguk. you fucked up big time. we need to talk as soon as possible."

"what?" shit, he was too tired for this. "tell me what happened."

"i think it would be better to-"

"no, tell me now, seokjin."  he interrupted seokjin loudly.

"well, um, some pictures of you with some girl leaked and-"

"fuck."  

"yeah."

"so-" he began. "do you have a plan?"

"excuse me?" seokjin said incredulously. "ceo literally woke me up about five minutes ago and you expect me to have a solution to your shit?"

"okay, okay, you don't have to scream, it's no big deal."

"jeongguk- listen."  he said in a serious voice. "this was your last chance and you managed to fuck it up again. it is a big deal, you dumb fuck. so i suggest you behave yourself and accept whatever ceo tells you, okay? i'll see you in the office soon."

"what-" but before he could say anything, seokjin ended the call. fuck.

       an hour later, he was sitting in his car on his way to the company. there was a lot of traffic in seoul at that time, which gave him time to think about the whole situation.

he really screwed up big time this time, didn't he?   

he knew it was only a matter of time before someone saw him with someone else. he knew it, but he still went to clubs and flirted with girls as if there were no people around them who could recognize him. he was a public figure, what the hell did he expect?

he really hated himself at times like this.

he hated that he had decided to become an idol.

taehyung

and loving is hard, it don't always work
you just try your best not to get hurt
i used to be mad but now I know
sometimes it's better to let someone go

(sasha sloan; older)

       taehyung and his mom were just having lunch. he only had a few hours before his flight home, and he wanted to spend them with her.

they hadn't seen each other for a long time. it had been years.

       it had been years since everything suddenly fell apart.

well, maybe it wasn't all of a sudden. there were plenty of reasons why his family fell apart.

but taehyung started drifting away from them long before the secret was leaked.

it was all too much for him, and his feelings were really complicated.

       his mother had always been nothing but nice to him, unlike his father. still, he hated the affection his mother used to give him, always avoiding her touch, avoiding talking to her about his feelings.

no matter what she said or did, she made him feel overwhelmed. it was frustrating.

but the main reason he felt that way was his father. his father and his fucking secret that taehyung accidentally discovered.

his own father, the man who ruined his life.

there's a long story behind what happened between them, but for now, just know this:

his father exchanged his son's youth for drugs, illegal money and a life full of lies.

       after his mother found out about the secret, she immediately filed for divorce and moved to another country, unknowingly leaving taehyung in the middle of the mess.

she had no idea that taehyung had been part of his father's business all along.

but now that he was finally with her after so many years, old wrongs long forgotten, they were able to talk about their lives. and it was nice. he'd really missed her these past few years.

"so," she suddenly broke the comfortable silence. "how's your dad?"

the question took him by surprise. he really hadn't expected her to want to talk about him. "well, i don't know. i haven't been in touch with him since you left."

"oh."

"yeah. sorry."

"do you think he still does that?" she asked hesitantly.

yes. taehyung knew what he was up to all along, how could he not? but he didn't have the heart to tell her.

"maybe he changed his ways after the divorce." he lied with a smile.

she just nodded. "i still want the best for him, you know? after all, we've been married for a long time."

oh, that man really didn't deserve her. she had such a pure soul, she was so kind and sweet to everyone.

and yet taehyung decided to lie to her again. so many years have passed and so many things have happened. and he still decided to lie to her.

his father didn't stop dealing drugs, nor did he stop taking them. and taehyung was right in the middle of it all, without actually knowing it.

"well, if you ever see him, tell him to call me, okay? i'd like to hear how he's doing." his mom said to him as they said goodbye at the door.

"yeah, i'll tell him." taehyung smiled. of course, he was not going to tell him. his mom needed to find someone else; she needed someone to make her happy, just like she deserved.

the window of the car waiting for him rolled down to reveal the driver. "are you kim taehyung?" he asked grumpily.

"oh yes, i'm coming!" he called back.

it was time to say goodbye again. but this time, it wasn't a sad goodbye. they both knew they will meet again.

taehyung just hoped that the next time they met, he wouldn't have to lie to her.

"goodbye, son." she said as she kissed him on the cheek. this time, taehyung didn't complain about her kissing him, nor did he try to dodge her touch.

he just crouched a little, so she could reach his face more easily. "goodbye, mom. i'll miss you."