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I.
For all her rough edges and sharp angles, Inej was gentle, in such a way that Nina couldn’t help but lean into it. It wasn’t something that was expected upon meeting Inej, and Nina was no exception.
Kaz had been smart, sending Inej to recruit her, surely knowing that the girl’s youth and quiet understanding would make her more compliant to his wishes. Nina still remembered that night. She’d been preparing for bed, when she heard the shuffling outside her window. Knowing Inej now, with her silent feet, Nina knew it was likely that the sounds she heard were entirely on purpose.
Nina had been surprised. After all, how often was it that her night would end with a girl climbing through her sixth floor window, though the wall was surely slick with the rain that often coated the city.
Inej had kept her hands out wide, in an attempt to show her innocence, but Nina could see her knives poking out from various holsters placed on her vest and legs. Of course, that knives she had seen had only been a fraction of what the girl actually had on her. Still, Nina had listened. Hadn’t been able to help it, really, as even then Inej had been disarmingly gentle, and Nina couldn’t stop herself from being drawn into it. Into her.
It didn’t take much convincing for Nina to agree to meet with Kaz, and next thing she knew she’d joined the Dregs and her skills were sporadically requested for their heists.
Still, she and Inej had grown closer, and Nina began to notice the small things about the girl, the softness beneath her sharp blades and armor. She remembered the first time she’d seen Inej flinch. Jesper had moved just a bit too quickly and was just a bit too rough with the arm he’d flung around her shoulder.
Nina had seen Inej keep steady through stab wounds and bullets, had seen her stitch herself up with barely a wince, but it was the heavy weight of the arm around her that had cracked her armor. She watched the quick intake of breath and heard the pounding of Inej’s heart in her chest as her eyes slipped closed and she attempted to hold herself together, completely unbeknownst to Jesper.
When Inej finally slipped from under Jesper’s arm, her heart had been racing, faster than Nina had ever heard it, even in all the times they had been in battle together her heart hadn’t gone this fast, like it was trying to escape from her chest.
Nina had wanted to reach out to her then, but she was sure her grasp wouldn’t be welcome, so she did the next best thing, reaching out with her powers and slowing Inej’s heart. Inej had known it was her, there was no hiding from the one they called the Wraith, but she hadn’t looked upset. She’d looked grateful, even through shining eyes and with hands that were shaky in a way Nina had never seen.
They didn’t speak about it, that night. Had just gone their separate ways and gone to bed, but something had changed between them that night, in the way Nina had begun touching Inej.
Nina wasn’t a gentle person. She knew she was more aggressive than most people could generally handle and wasn’t really shy about physical contact. With Inej, though, she knew that wouldn’t work, and with Inej, she didn’t mind. Inej didn’t like quick movements towards her, and it often made her curl into herself in a way that broke Nina’s heart, so Nina found herself reaching out with a gentleness that she’d never been known for.
The first time she’d done it had been after a particularly hard fight. One of the Dime Lions had gotten just a bit too close and had ended up with one of Inej’s blades in his chest. It hadn’t been Inej’s first kill, Nina knew, but it had affected the girl all the same, and later that night as they both sat in silence in Nina’s room at the White Rose, she hadn’t been able to help reaching out towards her.
She’d made sure it was slow, the movement of her hand as she reached for Inej’s. Brown eyes caught onto her movement and flicked up to look into the green of her own. Nina had asked a question and, though she hadn’t voiced it, Inej had known what she’d meant, and had given permission with a barely there nod of her head.
Inej had been shaking before that very first brush of hands, and there had been an intake of breath at the contact, but her heart had remained steady. The exchange had been heartbreakingly gentle, and Nina hadn’t been able to help her own heart fluttering as their hands settled together fully, their fingers winding together just as slowly.
Inej had sighed, her eyes fluttering at the contact as she relaxed into it. To be honest, Nina had felt a bit of pride in that moment, as Inej had let her in and allowed this contact between them. It was in that moment that Nina had vowed to herself that she’d never take it for granted.
II.
Most of the time, it was Nina that reached out first, that gently took hold of Inej’s hand only after being given permission from the girl herself.
Still, every once in a while, Inej reached out too. The first time Inej had initiated the contact had been surprising. They’d been together at the White Rose like they usually were after dark, talking and giggling side by side on Nina’s narrow bed, just inches between their bodies.
Inej had flung herself through her window just about an hour before, and they’d been talking ever since. Nina had taken off her counterfeit kefta off for the night, and she’d replaced it with one of her long sweaters in an attempt to ward off the muggy chill of Ketterdam. She’d rolled her sleeves up, leaving the tattoos she’d taken on either forearm fully exposed.
Nina had noticed that Inej’s eyes had kept straying to them, but she hadn’t wanted to push the girl. It was funny, she thought, that someone as blunt as she knew herself to be was hesitant to push. So, she’d let it slide, quietly conversing with Inej and allowing her eyes to flicker over her face, catching on the faint scars that had marred her face, though they didn’t make her any less beautiful.
There had been a lull then, and they had ended up staring at each other, soft brown eyes catching on sharp green. It wasn’t for long, and Nina hadn’t been able to stop the smile as Inej’s eyes flicked down towards her arms again.
The smile dropped almost immediately as Inej had begun to reach out, and she could only nod as brown eyes flicked up in silent question before flicking back down. It was only a fingertip, at first, grazing over Nina’s crow tattoo. Inej’s movements had been painfully slow, but Nina had kept herself still, allowing Inej to do as she pleased even as her skin trembled slightly at the effort.
Inej hadn’t noticed, instead had been too focused as her hand had moved to brush against the tattoo more fully, the backs of her knuckles stroking against the ink that stood stark against her pale skin, pressing.
Nina’s heart was racing, and she could hear Inej’s beating just as quickly as her hand began traveling down towards her hand. Nina’s palm was facing up, and Inej had placed her own against it, their fingers lining up.
It was… interesting, the feeling Nina had gotten then, seeing their hands like that. Inej’s hands were small, smaller than she’d realized, and she found her heart aching at difference in size of her own hand. She’d wanted to protect Inej, then. It wasn’t that she hadn’t before, and it wasn’t that she hadn’t known that the girl was more than capable of protecting herself despite her small size, but there was something about the contrast that made her want to wrap Inej in her arms and never let any harm come to her.
Inej had let out a shaky breath as her fingers began to wrap around Nina’s and green eyes flicked towards her. There was something fragile in her gaze, though Nina knew that the shorter girl was far from fragile, and it made her heart ache all over again.
Inej may not need it, in fact, Nina knows that she doesn’t, but in that moment, fingers fully intertwined, she gave a silent promise to keep Inej safe to the best of her abilities.
III.
Nina first hugged Inej a few months after she’d held her hand for the first time. It had been after a rather successful heist and they’d already been holding hands, fingers wrapped tightly together. After meeting Inej, Nina found herself becoming calmer in her interactions. Don’t get her wrong, she was still excessively blunt and people often thought her too much, but there was something about Inej that held her steady.
The shorter girl’s steadfastness was one of Nina’s favorite things about her. She was rarely rattled, and it was her steadiness that kept Nina grounded. And so, standing in the middle of the Crow Club, the sounds of happy gamblers and thieves surrounding them, Nina turned towards Inej. Her ears were almost always tuned into the sound of Inej’s heart, and it didn’t take much for her ignore the loudness around them in favor of the steady sound.
They’d smiled at each other, gently, always so gentle between them, and Nina began pulling Inej towards her. As always, the tug was gentle, and it didn’t take long for Inej to realize what exactly she was asking, and even less time passed before she was getting that familiar nod, the smile on Inej’s face growing wider as Nina pulled her in with an arm around strong shoulders.
Nina had a good half a foot on Inej, but it just made it all the more satisfying as the shorter woman wrapped her arms around Nina’s waist and buried her face against the crook of her neck. Nina let one of her hands travel down Inej’s back, gripping the cloth there and pulling the girl against her tighter, resting her chin against her temple.
IV.
After they’d hugged for the first time, Inej had begun to offer physical contact of her own more readily. There had been more hugs and more hand holding, both of which had begun to tighten each time.
That was how Nina discovered that Inej liked pressure. Or, rather, that she enjoyed being the one doing the pressing. Nina was sure it was an attempt to gain control over something in her life, because Inej sure as hell hadn’t had a lot of it since she’d been taken.
Still, it had surprised her the first time it had happened.
For all her faith and positivity, Inej had bad days and, though they came less frequently, they still came. Nina had been grateful that the younger girl had let her in at all, but it had made Nina’s heart ache to see Inej flinch when anybody reached for her, no matter the reason.
Nina had been careful that day, to keep her hands to herself and away from Inej, lest she make her uncomfortable. If she knew anything about Inej, it was that she guarded her personal space just a bit more on the bad days. Which is why it surprised her so much when Inej reached for her first, and out in public at that.
They’d been in the alleyway opposite the Crow Club, and she’d been sure it was just a normal hug, helpless against the warmth that rose in her chest at the feel of Inej against her, the beat of her heart loud but steady. But then, Inej had pushed forward, and Nina found herself with her back against the wall of the alley.
Nina was taller, bigger than Inej by no small stretch, but the girl had her beat on physical strength, and Nina’s eyes had widened when Inej began to push, pressing their bodies together fully and leaving Nina with no room to escape, though it wasn’t like she particularly wanted to.
“Inej?” She’d tried, her voice a low mumble that she was sure Inej could feel from where her head pressed against her throat.
Inej hadn’t answered, just released a shaky breath and, with shakier hands, took hold of Nina’s wrists, raising them up and pinning them to the bricks on either side of her head, pressing harder. And Nina had let it happen, wouldn’t even have thought of pulling away even through the surprise of it happening in the first place.
If that was what Inej needed, then Nina would sure as hell give it to her.
Nina had to admit that the pressure of Inej pinning her to the brick wall would have put her head in the gutter if the circumstances were any different, but in that moment, she’d just given herself over.
They’d stood like that for a long time, neither speaking as Inej’s hands had tightened around Nina’s as another wave of… something rushed through her. But eventually, she relaxed, though they stayed pressed together tightly enough that Nina could feel her every breath, could feel the echo of her heartbeat in her own chest.
V.
Nina often found herself listening for her friend’s heartbeats, but there was one that she listened for far more than anyone else. She hadn’t been sure what would come of it when she shared this with Inej, but she’d been surprised by the outcome nonetheless.
“Your heartbeat in particular, it grounds me.” Nina had admitted, sitting cross legged on her bed with Inej settled just across from her.
Inej had been quiet for a moment, and though her expression was inscrutable as ever, Nina knew she was mulling over something. Through it all, her heart kept the steady rhythm that kept Nina centered most days.
“Are you always listening for it?” Inej asked her, curious, and Nina’s head had begun nodding almost before she’d even given it permission to.
“Yes.” She’d revealed. “It’s solid, and steady, and it reminds me that you’re okay.”
Inej had softened then, though her mind still seemed to be racing. She was silent in the minutes that followed, and it caught Nina off guard when she’d spoken.
“Can you lay back?” Inej’s gaze was gentle as she asked the question, and there was plenty of room for her to say no. But the truth was, Nina didn’t particularly want to. So, with no more than a nod, Nina had done as was asked of her, her head coming to rest on the pillow that had been resting behind her.
Nina watched Inej hesitate just slightly, glancing somewhere below her chin and to the right, before moving. Inej moved with grace, as she always did, but there was almost something clumsy about the way she shifted her body to hover over Nina’s, legs tangling together.
The pressure wasn’t quite there yet, and Nina found herself longing for it even as she looked up into brown eyes with questions in her own. Inej hadn’t said anything, instead began lowering her body to rest more fully against Nina’s, pressing in the way that allowed her the most control over the situation.
Though, this time, Inej hadn’t grabbed her wrists or pinned them down. Instead, she pressed further, lowering her head to rest against the left side of her sternum.
Where her heart is, Nina realized, and she hadn’t been able to stop the ache that rose within her at the tenderness of the action. Inej’s forehead pressed hard into her chest, letting out a shuttering breath at the feeling of the heart pounding away below the skin.
It was then that Inej reached for her hands, intertwining their fingers and pressing them back against the mattress, effectively pinning her once more. And once again, Nina had let her, with nothing more than a gentle squeeze.
Nina was sure she’d do anything Inej asked of her.
VI.
It had been nearly a year since she’d joined the Dregs when Inej had kissed her for the first time. It hadn’t taken Nina long at all to fall for Inej, but she’d promised herself early on that any true change in their relationship would be on Inej’s terms and Inej’s terms only.
Nina had been certain for a long time that Inej felt the same as she did, the sound of a heart speeding up was hard to hide from someone like Nina. But still, she’d waited, which she’d thought funny, as she’d never really waited for anyone in her life.
Inej made her want to wait, to be patient.
They’d been in Nina’s room as usual, Nina on her back in her bed with Inej pressing down against her, forehead pressed tightly against her chest and strong hands wrapped tightly around her own. They often found themselves in that position after Inej had confided that it gave her a sense of control, and Nina knew that control was something the girl desperately needed.
Still, Inej was healing. She flinched less when an arm was thrown haphazardly around her shoulders, the bad days became things that were few and far between.
And that night, Nina knew the younger girl was truly healing when Inej glanced up at her from her spot resting against her chest and brown eyes locked with green, soft where they’d once been guarded and dark.
“Nina…” Inej had murmured, pushing her body up just slightly to get a better angle, though her hands hadn’t loosened their grip.
“Yeah?” Nina replied, in the same tone, unbothered by the pressure of strong hands pinning her down.
“I…” Brown eyes flicked down to her lips as Inej hesitated, mouth closing before opening to try again. “I would like to kiss you.”
A shaky breath escaped Nina. She’d never thought herself to be someone who fell apart at the mere thought of kissing someone, but Inej had always made her different. Softer.
“Please.” Nina had whispered, a desperation she’d never heard from herself coloring her words.
Inej hadn’t wasted time after that, had begun leaning forward almost as soon as the plea had left her. But still, like everything between them, it was slow, and tender, and almost heartbreakingly gentle as their lips brushed together for the first time. Inej pressed into her again, but it was different this time, as the pressure covered nearly every inch of her body and Nina couldn’t get enough.
Inej had kissed her harder, and it was all Nina could do to follow, her top lip slotting between both of Inej’s.
Nina squeezed the hands pinning her down tightly as Inej swept her tongue against her bottom lip, and she was helpless to do anything but part her own with a whimper. It was unlike anything she’d ever felt and it just made her want more.
The sound made it’s way to Inej’s ears and it just made her press down harder, and Nina was dizzy with just how much feeling Inej had left her with. And Gods, the pressure.
When Inej pulled away, it was with shaky breaths and a tight grip. She burrowed tightly against the crook of Nina’s neck once more.
Exactly where she belonged, Nina couldn’t help but think.
Next to her heart.