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You failed again. Another civilian, dead. Another family left with a gaping hole that nobody can fill. Realistically, you knew it wasn't your fault. You didn't want the villains to attack. You were still a student, a first year student, and weren't supposed to be fighting villains in the first place. That didn't stop the guilt.
You found yourself standing on the rooftop of an abandoned warehouse. You could see where the attack took place, and your chest tightened. "It was supposed to be me. I'm sorry." You didn't even know her name. The woman who died-- who you killed-- was she a mother? A grandmother? A wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece. She was gone because of you.
"Joining her won't help anyone," you weakly tried to convince yourself to get back onto solid ground. Instead, you took your shoes off and sat on the ledge, rotating so your legs were dangling off the roof.
You weren't sure if you could be a hero anymore. Seeing so much tragedy made your heart ache, and you had only been in a few battles. You knew that you wouldn't save anyone, but it's so much more real when there's the faint tinges of blood under your nails and the sound of a terrified woman's sobs etched into your brain.
You leaned forward, burying your face in your hands. They still smelled of iron, even after an hour of scrubbing with excessively scented soap. It made you gag, rubbing your palms against the rough concrete beneath you.
It was peaceful up on the roof. The only sounds came from the roads, engines revving and horns honking. You swore that you heard children laughing, but it may have just been the wind. Maybe, if you tried hard enough, you could replace her cries with the sounds of the city.
There was a rustling noise behind you, and then a heavy weight on your shoulder. "It's past curfew. You shouldn't be here." Your lack of response caused him to sit down on the ledge next to you. "(l/n). It's late. You need to go back to UA."
"I don't know," you muttered. "It'd probably be better if I didn't."
He sighed, grabbing your shoulders and turning you to face him. "(l/n). You did good today, okay?"
"Not good enough to save her."
He inhaled sharply. "You shouldn't have to be. You're a first year student. This shouldn't be happening, and I'm sorry."
"You weren't there. It wasn't your fault."
"But I was supposed to be," Aizawa stared into your eyes. "As your teacher, it's my job to make sure you're all safe and cared for."
"It wasn't your fault."
"If it wasn't mine, then it wasn't yours either," he exhaled shakily. "(l/n), will you please get off the ledge."
You nodded, wordlessly pivoting and stepping back onto the concrete. You sat on the roof instead, pulling your knees up to your chest and leaning against the ledge. Aizawa sat next to you and quietly wrapped his arm around your shoulders.
When you began to slump into him, he pulled you closer and enveloped you in a tight embrace. "It wasn't you. It wasn't you." He murmured. "It wasn't you."
As if that'd save your life.
"Aizawa-sensei, please," you took a deep breath, noting how his fair smelled faintly of fruit, most likely from his shampoo. "You don't want to be here right now."
That only served to make him hug you tighter, like his life depended on it. "Don't do it, (y/n). Don't jump. Please." The use of your first name caused you to pause. He never referred to students as their first names; hell, you assumed he didn't even know what yours was. "You're a good person. A good kid. And you will make a great hero. Don't waste that by jumping off a roof."
"What if I really am a shitty hero?" You didn't mean to say it aloud, but it was too late now. "I can't do this. I kill people. The woman today, she wasn't the first. There was a man at Kamino Ward, and a building was starting to collapse, and I could see how afraid he was, and he was calling for me to help him, and I froze. And then he went quiet, right as the building fell. I don't even know his name. I'm useless."
He didn't respond for a moment. Instead, he tangled his hands in your hair and gently pulled you into his lap, your face buried into his capture weapon. "You are not and will never be useless. You will heal, and you will find your way, and we love you. I love you."
"You're not even going to give me a dirty look for swearing? Damn. Something's really got you worked up," you joked halfheartedly.
"I'll give you all the dirty looks you want if you just get off this roof," he clutched you even tighter to his chest, and you could've sworn you felt tears fall onto your head from where he had buried his face into your hair. "Please, (y/n). I can't lose another kid. I can't lose you."
"Sensei, please don't care. That just makes this harder."
"I'm not going to stop caring. I refuse to stop caring. I love you and care for you and I'll tell you until you believe it. You're important, not just to me, but to the entire class."
"You're too late, okay? There's no hope for me. Sure, it sucks, but this idea has been in my head for a while now, and I'm tired." You sobbed into him, the dam finally breaking. "I'm so tired. My alarm goes off every morning and I wish I never woke up. And I can't do it anymore. I'm not Midoriya, I can't watch terrible things happen and keep smiling, and my quirk isn't strong enough to just muscle through things, and I wish I was dead."
Aizawa stiffened underneath you. "(l/n) (y/n), I will only repeat myself so many more times. I'm not letting you die, not as long as I'm alive. Just come down with me. Please. I promise I understand, and it gets better, so just come down with me, ok?"
You realized what you just said and immediately closed yourself off. "Fine. Fine. Fine, okay? Fine. I'll come down and I'll be a good kid and I won't cause any more problems. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused." You pushed yourself away from him, rubbed at your face, and strode towards the stairwell that took you up here in the first place. "Nothing ever happened."
You had learned your lesson. Sneak out to off yourself on a weekend, when it was harder to keep track of curfews, and when Aizawa would hopefully be on patrol halfway across the city.
"(y/n)," he tried calling after you, to no avail. You were done listening to his attempts to talk you out of it. Neither of you were going to change your minds. He followed you down the stairs, finally catching up to you when you stopped to pet a stray cat down the street. "You don't have to be a good kid. You can be as much of a thorn in my side as you want. I will still love you, I will still care for you, I will still want you."
"You're just saying that," you shrugged.
"When have you ever known me to lie?"
"There's a first time for everything. Anyways, everything is fine. See you in the morning, sensei."
He nodded, giving it up and going back on patrol. It was a quiet night, with all of the criminals being aware of the increased hero presence after the attack. Technically, he wasn't supposed to stop patrolling, but there were no rules against standing in alleyways. He had his husband on speed dial, and he paced back and forth waiting for him to pick up. "Zashi," he sighed into his phone. "Zashi I'm scared. One of my kids was on a rooftop. I sent him home and he started walking towards UA but maybe he-"
"Woah, Sho," Yamada cut him off. "Slow down. He'll be okay. Maybe he just wanted some fresh air."
"No, no." He insisted. "No, Zashi, he told me that- he told me that he wants to die. He reminds me of me and it's terrifying. How do I do this. How do I- I can't lose him."
"You won't, love. You won't. You'll see him tomorrow and after school you can talk to him, okay?"
Aizawa paused. "Yeah. Yeah, okay. I love you."
"Love you too." They both waited for a moment before Aizawa hung up. He exhaled, allowing himself a moment to regain his composure.
The next morning, as promised, you were sitting in your seat. You fiddled with the hem of your uniform jacket and stared out of the window. Aizawa opted not to draw any attention to you, jumping straight into his lesson instead.
You barely remembered anything from the day. A lecture in math, a strange look from Yamada-sensei during English, choosing to sit alone at lunch. Not much else. You hoped that Aizawa would drop the subject and leave you alone. You didn't want to talk about it, you wanted to leave it alone and bury it. Why would he ever care about you? He had bigger and better things to worry about. In the grand scheme of things, you were an afterthought. A footnote. A tiny headline mentioning a teen suicide. A tragedy for ten minutes until the next thing happens.
A few knocks on your door right before curfew proved you wrong. Apparently, you were enough of a pity case that he needed to perform wellness checks or something. "What," you barked, wanting to get back to your math homework. "What do you want now?"
"(l/n)?" Midoriya cracked the door open, sticking his head in the gap tentatively. You immediately felt guilty for snapping at him like that.
"Oh. Midoriya, I'm sorry. What's up?"
"Aizawa-sensei wants to see you in his room." He tilted his head at you. "Is everything okay?"
"Thanks. And I'm sorry. Everything's fine, I'm guessing he just wants to talk to me about an assignment." He beamed at you, brushing off your bad attitude and gently closing your door. It was an unspoken rule in the dorms: you always close the door.
You pouted all the way down to the first floor where Aizawa's room was. Nezu figured it would be best to keep the teachers at least somewhat separated from the kids. You appreciated that now, knowing that less classmates would be around you; most of them went home to visit family over the weekend, and most of the remaining students had already retired to their rooms. You knocked twice on his door before he opened it. He was waiting there, it seemed.
"(l/n)," he opened the door wider and you begrudgingly stepped into the room. "Are you okay."
"Sensei, I told you. I'm fi-"
"And none of that canned bullshit. No, everything's not fine. You aren't just tired. You don't just need more sleep. I know it all because I used it all, so if you're not going to be honest, at least sit here quietly with me so you don't end up flat on the pavement."
You stepped back, clearly having touched a nerve. "Sensei, I didn't mean to worry you, but really, I'm fine."
He wordlessly pointed to his bed, messy and unmade, with grey blankets strewn all over it. You awkwardly sat on the edge, not knowing why he was having you sit there. He wrapped you in his blankets-- they smelled like his shampoo and coffee, you noticed-- and sat behind you, pulling you up against him. "We are sitting here. Until you open up or the sun rises. It's your choice."
You nodded, leaning into his chest. There wasn't much else you could do, considering your limbs were all bound to your body. "What do you want to know?"
"How long?"
"A few years, maybe. It just happened. And then I came here and it was a dream come true. Until it wasn't." You shrugged to the best of your ability. "It hasn't been this bad in a while though."
"Do you ever want," he took a shaky breath in. "Do you ever want to hurt yourself?"
You paused. The logical thing to do would be to lie. "Yeah. I'm kind of bundled up right now, but if you know where to look, I have a history of not so healthy coping." You could feel the tears begin to well up in your eyes, and he raised a gentle hand to wipe the ones that fell. It felt kind. His touch was affectionate and welcoming and it was everything you had wanted for so long, but you still resisted it. "Why do I feel like I'm being interrogated?"
"You can ask me questions if you want." He sounded almost amused, but you couldn't see his face. Maybe it was only because he didn't want you storming off again.
"What did you mean when you said that you'd used all of the 'canned bullshit' before?" You braced yourself for an angry outburst. It was a personal question, and you didn't want him to be upset, but he said you could ask him questions.
He squeezed you tightly for a moment before speaking. "Middle and high school weren't far too kind to me. Especially since my quirk isn't exactly," he paused. "heroic. I got used to telling people what they want to hear." You nodded along with him, leaning into his touch. Something told you that he needed it just as much as you. "What can I do to help you?"
You shifted uncomfortably. "I don't know. Realistically I know I shouldn't do anything. Realistically I know I'm...loved. I just hate talking about things. It scares me. What if you decide that you don't want to deal with me or my shit, and then you expel me? And I could've avoided it by keeping my mouth shut."
"(y/n), first of all, I wouldn't. If I haven't expelled Bakugou or Midoriya yet, you needing support isn't going to get you kicked out. Second of all, you never answered the question. What can I do to help? You're my student, and care for you. So what can I do?" He slowly started to unwrap you from the blankets, but you stayed curled up against his chest. You could be embarrassed about it later; right now, you needed the comfort.
You thought for a moment. "Probably just this. Maybe less words. Physical touch is good, but words can be hard. And um, it gets worse when I get stressed. The self harm does. It makes me focus a little bit better, so when I can't focus, I want to-" Your speech was choppy and stilted, and he knew that you were reaching your limit on questions. "Am I going to be okay?" You looked up to him with glassy eyes.
"Yes." He carded his fingers through your hair gently. "As long as I'm here, I will make sure that you're okay. I don't let anyone hurt my kids, especially not themselves. I know it feels like this will never end, but it does. You just have to hold on until then."
"Dad?" You whispered, face buried in the fabric of his scarf. You could tell that his back stiffened at the word, but he never pulled away. "Thank you. You didn't have to. I tried pretty hard to try and get you to not do this. But thank you."
"Of course, kid." He tilted your head so that he could look you in the eyes. "I'm always here fore you. As your teacher, as a hero, as your parent. I promise-- and I don't make those lightly."
You nodded, tired of trying to verbalize your thoughts. Your hands were still fisted in his scarf, but he made no attempt to move or speak to you. The pair of you sat in silence, simply existing in proximity to each other.
You guessed it was around ten minutes later that there were three sharp knocks on the door. Before either of you could respond, Present Mic walked in with an uncharacteristically worried expression. He froze in his tracks when he saw the two of you. "Sho? Is this..." he trailed off.
The dark haired man glanced down at you before nodding. "You two know each other. (y/n), this is my husband." The blond waved and grinned at you.
"Well hey little listener! Sho told me that you were feeling down. If you ever need anything, school related or not, you can come to us, okay? Either one of us. Anyone he cares about is someone I care about.
"I would hate to bother you," you whispered. "If you want me to leave, I can. I'll be fine. Pinky promise." You avoided eye contact, but looked between the two nervously.
"Or," Yamada looked at you with a smile, "we can all watch a movie. I don't mind giving hugs if you're comfortable with receiving!"
You began to nod before turning to face Aizawa. "Sorry, are you okay with it?" You bit your lip. He sighed, rolling his eyes amusedly.
"Be careful, he might try to adopt you after. What movies do you like? And Zashi, watch your quirk. There are kids sleeping." Aizawa cut off what you were sure was about to be a joyful exclamation from Yamada.
"Cartoons?" You shyly suggested. "Don't think I can watch anything with action in it tonight."
The two of them nodded, and Aizawa stood up-- with you still in his arms-- and moved to the couch in the common room. He placed you in the middle, then sat to your right, wrapping one arm around you. If it took him any real effort, he didn't show it, but you froze nonetheless. You hadn't been carried since you were a little kid. "Sensei, I might be sad, but my legs still work."
"You can call me Shouta," he suggested while Yamada snickered at your comment. "Just outside of class. And you looked comfortable."
"I think I'll stick to dad," you joked. Yamada paused from putting a copy of Ponyo in the DVD player to grin at you.
"If he's dad, then what am I?"
"Um. Yamada-sensei?" You rubbed the back of your neck, not knowing how to respond.
He whined melodramatically. "But we're married, so if he's dad-" A pointed look from Aizawa made him give it up. He finished loading the DVD and moved to sit on your other side, mirroring how Aizawa held you.
As the movie started, they could see you get progressively more excited. Occasionally, you would rock back and forth with a huge smile on your face. It worried them for a moment, but they relaxed when you explained it. "Sorry, I do it when I'm really happy," you looked down sheepishly. "This is one of my favorite movies. The colors are just so pretty!"
The two men looked at each other and they knew that they would protect you no matter what. Halfway through the movie, your eyes started to flutter shut, and you had a sleepy smile pasted onto your face.
"Maybe we should go to bed," Aizawa suggested. "It's getting late."
"But then we won't finish the movie," you protested, but yawned right after. "Yeah, okay. Night dad, night daddo." You grinned and waved at them before making your way towards your room.
"He called me daddo," Yamada slapped a hand over his mouth to stop himself from shouting. "Sho, we have a good kid."
He didn't even try to protest or hide his affection. "Yeah. Yeah, we have a good kid."
You could still hear them from where you were, halfway down the hall. They weren't as quiet as they thought they were, although you had a suspicion that Aizawa spoke louder than usual on purpose. Instead of assuming they were lying, you smiled.
Maybe you would be okay after all.