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Philza had been alive a long, long time. He didn’t remember a lot of his life. Memories of his time as a human were completely lost, but he knew he’d been a human at some point. Every angel had been human at some point.
Philza had been the Angel of Death for a long, long time, but not as long as he’d been alive. He remembered much more about his time as the angel, but they weren’t memories he was exceptionally fond of. The memories were...boring, to say the least. Repetitive. Reaping souls wasn’t exactly an exceptional source of entertainment.
Philza had not been retired for a very long time. He remembered all of it, and he hoped he’d never forget.
----
Philza had met Tommy when he was almost 200- less than a tenth of how old he was now. Tommy had been the youngest angel Phil had ever met, frozen at 16 forever.
The Angel of Chaos. Tommy had brought energy to Phil’s life, brought life to a world previously filled with death. Phil would have faded a long time ago if not for Tommy. If not for his son.
The Angels of Destruction and Mind had come not long after. Tommy, Tubbo, and Ranboo gave Phil something to look forward to, something to break up the monotony of endless years spent reaping soul after soul. If not for them, Phil’s world would have been terribly dim, much sadder than it was now.
----
Philza was almost two thousand years old, and he knew his time as the Angel of Death was coming to an end.
“It’s time for me to move on.” He told Tommy.
Tommy had paled. “What do you mean, big man?”
“I think I’m done being an angel. Someone else will replace me, just like I replaced the Angel of Death before me.”
“And- and what happens to you, Philza?”
“I’ll take time for myself. Time to be Phil, not Philza. Figure out what I like, what makes me happy. Learn to live instead of just working.”
“So, retirement?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“Cool.”
----
Retirement was not as cool as he thought it would. Giving up angelhood meant giving up his powers. He’d hesitated, but when he found he’d keep his wings, and his immortality, he’d agreed.
He ought to have hesitated more, because now his crows were gone.
Retirement was boring . He’d been flying from forest to forest for days, not sure what else to do. He tried to approach his birds- for company, or for ideas, but they’d flown away every single time.
So he ended up on a branch next to a crow’s nest, waiting for the birds to return. Maybe when they returned, they’d finally talk to him.
Except he fell asleep. When he woke up, he was on the forest floor, three familiar faces standing over him.
“This is a real sad sight to see.” Tommy said. “You sure you don’t want to come back, Philza?”
“It’s Phil.” He said. “And yes, I’m sure.”
“Well, in that case,” Tubbo’s yellow eyes gleamed, “we need to get you a life.”
----
“The red obviously looks better.” Tommy said. “How do you not see it, Tubbo?”
“Because the yellow looks way cooler!” Tubbo waved a hand, and all the seats in Phil’s living room changed from violent red to painful yellow. “See?!”
Phil leaned over to whisper in Ranboo’s ear. “I think both look terrible.”
“Agreed. Want me to change them back?”
“Yes, please. My landlord will kill me if he comes in and all my furniture is the color of butter.”
----
----
He met Wilbur and Techno on a rainy day. He was working, and they came in through the door soaking wet, looking like two drowned rats.
Phil watched from behind the counter as the two people argued near the front door. One of them gestured at his completely drenched coat before pointing to the counter. The other one huffed in defeat before making his way to the counter.
The person dressed like they’d forgotten which century it was. They wore a ruffled white shirt, and a red cloak, but a wide brimmed straw hat covered their head and hid their face. They placed a bundle of cash on the counter. From under the brim of the hat, Phil heard a deep, monotone voice.
“One coffee, please.”
“Alright.” Phil said, pulling up the menu. “What kind?”
“Uhhh...the normal kind?”
Phil frowned. “Would you like any milk? Sugar? Expresso?”
“I- I don’t know. Whatever tastes good?”
“That really depends on the person, mate.”
The cloaked figure seemed to shrink in on themselves. “It’s for my friend Wilbur.”
“Ok.” Phil nodded. “Would your friend like it sweet, or-”
“Actually, never mind.” The figure cut him off, and practically ran out of the shop, stopping only to grab his companion by the collar in order to drag him out as well.
----
The second time, it was just Trench Coat Man alone. He came in at around midnight, and actually placed an order properly.
“One single black coffee, for…?” Phil trailed off, looking up expectantly.
“Wilbur.” The man said, and Phil’s eyes lit up.
“Oh!” He exclaimed. “You’re Cloak Man’s friend!”
Wilbur laughed. “Yeah, sorry about Technoblade. He’s not too good with people.”
Technoblade? Phil thought. Now that’s a strange name .
A strange name for a strange person. It made sense.
----
Wilbur became a regular visitor at the shop, and Phil began to look forward to his visits.
He’d always come after midnight, and order a single black coffee. He’d never take a seat in one of the booths, just lean against the counter and tell Phil the most outlandish stories possible.
“Why do you work here, of all places, Phil?”
Phil couldn’t exactly tell Wilbur the real reason, which was that Tommy had shown up with a job application for a 24-hour-diner one day and said something along the lines of Look, Ranboo says that we can’t just keep creating money for you because we are immortal and this could hypothetically crash the stock market and devalue the currency and blah blah blah, so it’s time for you to get a job, big man.
So instead he said, “I like it here. It’s quiet.”
“That’s true.” Wilbur had said. “But it’s fine, because it means I get to talk to you as much as I like!”
Phil didn’t stop grinning for hours after that.
----
“You seem different today.” Wilbur said. “Weird.”
“Huh?” Phil asked.
The angels had been at his house yesterday, and Tommy had brought several raccoons with him- the Angel of Chaos was considering making them his sacred animal. Phil had laughed and said it would certainly suit his brand.
“My son brought a bunch of raccoons to our house yesterday.” He said. “Maybe that’s it?”
Wilbur frowned. “Maybe.”
----
Finding out Wilbur was a vampire was a complete accident, but all the same, Phil cursed himself for not guessing sooner.
“You shouldn’t drink that much black coffee, Will. It can’t possibly be good for you.”
“Oh, come on.” Wilbur scoffed. “I’m undead, what’s it gonna do to me?”
Phil froze, but it took Wilbur a few seconds to realize what he’d just said.
When the realization did hit him, he exhaled and closed his eyes, turning to face Phil. When he opened them again, they glowed red.
“ You will forget the words I have just said. ” Wilbur said. “ And you will never think I am anything but human .”
Vampires were rare, but vampires who could use glamours were nothing more than legends. Or so Phil had thought.
Phil was glad for his angelic resistance to glamours.
“Sorry, mate.” He whispered. “That won’t work on me.”
Wilbur’s eyes widened, the red glow fading back to brown. “What? Why won’t- what are you?”
Phil shrugged. “Used to be an angel. I’m retired now, though.”
Wilbur’s eyes narrowed.”So you’re- that’s why you felt different the other day! Angelic residue. I knew it wasn’t fucking raccoons, I thought I was going crazy, Phil!”
Phil laughed.
----
“A vampire?!” Tommy shouted. “Are you fucking insane, Philza?!”
“Tommy, I swear Wilbur’s different.” Phil insisted, holding his hands out in hopes of placating the angel. “He’s not going to hurt us, I promise.”
“How do you know he’s not lying to you, Phil?” Ranboo’s tail flicked back and forth nervously. “You can’t trust vampires, ever .”
“I don’t like this.” Tubbo buried his face in his stuffed bee. “I don’t like this at all, Phil. I hate this, actually.”
Phil couldn’t exactly blame them. The three of them had had terrible experiences with vampires, or rather, one vampire in particular. Phil had apprehended that vampire himself, sentenced him to a long, painful imprisonment. He’d been horrified when word had spread of the vampire’s escape, and incredibly relieved when he’d finally reaped his soul and delivered it to hell, though the killer had never been found.
“Wilbur is nothing like Dream.” Phil promised. “If he was, I’d never have let him close. He’s different, trust me.”
Tommy scoffed, looking away from Phil and leaning into Tubbo instead. “I’ll believe it when I see it. And if I don’t see it, then this Wilbur guy is as good as gone.”
----
Wilbur showed up at Phil’s doorstep one morning, just a few hours after Phil’s shift ended.
“Need a place to crash for the day.” He told Phil. “I’ve accidentally pissed off Techno, and I’m currently not welcome in the home you keep trying to destroy, Wilbur! A complete overreaction, I’m telling you.”
“Come in.” Phil said. “How’d you find this place, anyway?”
“I asked your boss.” Wilbur said. “Very politely.”
“Will!” Phil chided. “You can’t just use your magic on random people! That’s against the laws made by the Vampire Council!”
“I know, Phil.” Wilbur flopped down on Phil’s couch. “I made most of those laws.”
Phil sat down across from him. “Wait, you did?”
Wilbur nodded. “Me and Techno and Niki and Bad. And Techno’s the head of the Council, he’d never kill me.”
Phil narrowed his eyes. “Just how old are you all?”
Wilbur shrugged. “Dunno. I’m a little over a thousand, I’d guess. Niki and Jack are the same age as me- we knew each other when we were all still human. Bad’s maybe a hundred years older, and Techno is one thousand two hundred and twenty-eight years old. He’s always kept exact track, and he keeps telling us every so often.”
Most vampires Phil had met were younger than 300. Dream, the oldest vampire he’d ever encountered, had only been a little over 600 when he was killed.
Wilbur and his friends were ancient . Maybe the oldest people Phil knew, other than himself and his three angels.
It was kind of nice, finding someone close to his age.
----
That evening, when Wilbur had just woken up and Phil was getting ready for his night shift, there was a knock at the door. Phil opened the door to find a man in a dark blue sweatshirt, eyes hidden by a pair of red-blue glasses.
“Hey.” The man said. “Is Wilbur here?”
“Yes, he’s just woken up.” Phil said. “How’d you find this place?”
“Hey, Jack.” Wilbur’s voice spoke from behind Phil. “Phil, Jack’s a tracker. He could literally find a needle in a haystack if he needed to.”
“It’s not that hard.” Jack said as Wilbur linked his arms with the other vampire. “You can tell by the weight-”
“You really can’t.” Wilbur said, pulling the man away. “Thanks for letting me stay, Phil! I’ll see you around!”
As they walked away, Phil heard them arguing amongst themselves about needles and hay.
----
That night, Wilbur was accompanied by two people. One was Jack, and another was an unfamiliar woman, with bright pink hair cut in a bob.
“Hi.” She greeted Phil. “I’m Niki. It’s nice to finally meet you.”
“Same here.” Phil said, smiling.
“You know my usual order, Phil.” Wilbur cut in with a grin.
“Of course.” Phil replied. “And you two?”
“Just a hot chocolate for me.” Jack said.
“Me as well.” Niki said. She turned to Wilbur. “How on earth do you deal with the black coffee? It tastes terrible!”
“It’s a sacrifice I make.” Wilbur said solemnly. “To remain tall. Perhaps if the two of you tried it, you wouldn’t be so short.”
“You’ve always been this tall, dickhead.” Jack said. “You were like this even when we were human, and coffee didn’t even exist back then!”
“Hush, Jack. No one likes a complainer.”
----
Phil hadn’t seen Wilbur, or any of the vampires, in three weeks, and he was getting just a little worried.
“Calm down, man.” Tommy said from a spot draped over Phil’s coffee table. “I’m sure he’s fine.”
“But why hasn’t he contacted me?” Phil fretted. “I know he has my number- he keeps sending me pictures of orcas- and I like to think he’d tell me if something was wrong!”
Tommy frowned. “Why are you so invested in this guy anyway?”
“He’s my friend.” Phil responded simply.
“ We ’re your friends.” Tommy said. “I’m basically your son, Phil. All three of us are.”
“To be fair,” Ranboo cut in. “We are pretty busy. It’s very normal for Phil to seek other people for companionship.”
They all looked up when a loud explosive noise sounded from the kitchen.
“Is Tubbo alright in there?” Phil asked.
“He is the Angel of Destruction.” Ranboo responded. “Maybe I should go check on him. Yeah, yeah, I’m gonna go check on him.”
----
The fourth week of Wilbur’s absence was when Phil met Technoblade for the second time. The vampire swept into the dinner just after sunset and marched up to the counter.
“One coffee.” He told Phil. “Whatever Wilbur usually gets.”
“Of course. Is Wilbur- is he alright?”
Technoblade looked up, and Phil saw his face for the first time. Red eyes- not red like Wilbur’s when he used his magic, but actually red- and pink hair braided down his back and a mouth set in a hard line.
“No. Your house is hallowed ground. Wilbur’s a vampire. He had a delayed negative reaction to it.”
Phil dropped the cup he was holding. “What do you mean, negative reaction?! Will he-”
“Survive? Yes. I did some spell-casting, and our best healer is with him right now. He’ll be okay.”
“Oh, thank the gods.” Phil picked the cup again, glad that it had been empty. “When will he be back, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Eh. Maybe another week. Didn’t realize you cared so much.”
Phil was good at telling when people were lying. And Technoblade was a bad liar.
He handed the man the cup of coffee. “Wilbur’s my good friend.”
“Alright. He’s my brother, so you’d do well to make sure something like this doesn’t happen again.”
“Of course.” Phil gathered up all his courage for the next thing he said. “Could you...could you visit in the meantime? While he recovers?”
Technoblade didn’t deign to respond.
----
He did visit, though. Every single night. Phil began to get used to his presence as well.
Technoblade was a lot more awkward than Wilbur, and at first, their conversations were filled with a lot of awkward silences. Then they began to talk about history, and their past experiences, and talking got a lot easier.
Techno’s sense of humor was different from Wilbur’s. Drier, and darker. Phil found it hilarious nonetheless.
“Please, don’t get me started on the Black Death.” Techno said. “Do you know how irritating it is to put all that work into assassinating a political leader, only for it to be blamed on some infection spread by a few rats?! I spent months perfecting my signature to leave on the wall, and then they just painted over it!”
“Trust me, mate, those weren’t good times for me either. I’d have to go months without meeting my boys, it was awful.”
“Your boys?” Techno asked.
“Three other angels. Tommy, Tubbo and Ranboo. They’re basically my sons, they call me Dadza and everything.”
“Interesting. They wouldn’t happen to be orphans, would they?”
“Techno, no .”
----
Phil learned that Technoblade didn’t really have a specific type of magic, not like Wilbur’s glamours, Jack’s tracking, or even Niki’s healing. Techno’s abilities were more similar to those of an angel’s- more raw magic than a specific skill.
Mostly, it just made the man seem even more powerful. Though according to Wilbur, Techno’s nothing to be scared of, just give him a potato or piece of gold or something and he’ll never bother you again.
Phil had tested this theory by offering Techno a basket of French fries. Wilbur was a liar.
----
There was a knock at Phil’s door, and when opened it, Technoblade loomed awkwardly in the doorway.
“Hey.” The vampire mumbled. “Wilbur kicked me out, so I decided to do what he did and come here.”
“Oh- uh, alright, mate.” Phil didn’t open the door any farther. “But are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, look what happened to Wil-”
“I’ll be fine.” Techno said. “Skeppy gave me this crown years ago, it protects me from being damaged by all things holy. He's actually working on making more, he's already done with Wilbur's, and Niki's is next-”
“Phil?” Tommy’s voice called from inside the house. “Who is it?”
“You have guests.” Techno noted. “The angels?”
“Phil?” Tommy called again.
Techno furrowed his brow. “I know that voice.”
And then the vampire was sweeping past Phil and into the house, and he was in the living room staring at Tommy with wide eyes.
“Theseus?” He asked incredulously.
“Blade?” Tommy seemed just as shocked.
“How are you still alive?!”
“I could ask you the same thing, big man. You’re a vampire?!”
“Well, you ’re an angel!” Techno retorted.
“You two know each other?” Phil asked.
“We were friends back in the day.” Tommy said.
“Uh-huh.” Phil said. “Which day, exactly?”
“We hung out during the French Revolution.” Techno said. “We’d watch executions together and stuff. Speaking of which, Theseus, you never did tell me where you were getting those wonderful sandwiches. I was never able to duplicate them.”
“Oh, I made those out of thin air.” Tommy said dismissively. “It’s a Tommy-specific skill, don’t bother trying to duplicate it. Tell me, Blade, what have you been up to?”
Well, Phil thought as they talked, that wasn’t too bad, now was it?
----
It was a shame Wilbur and Tommy’s first meeting didn’t go as well.
It happened at the diner, when Tommy was spending the day hanging around Phil simply because he was bored. Wilbur walked in, and his eyes lit up when he saw the two of them.
“Hi!” He said, walking up to the counter. “I’m Wilbur, Phil’s friend. Who are you?”
Tommy narrowed his eyes, glaring down at Wilbur from where he sat on the counter. “I’m his son, dickhead.”
“Oh!” Wilbur’s eyes widened. “You must be Tommy! I’ve heard lots about you!”
Tommy scoffed. “Yeah, ok, bitch.”
Wilbur frowned. “Why are you being so rude, child?”
“I’m not a child!” Tommy screeched. “I’m probably older than you, bitch!”
Wilbur hit Tommy lightly on the shoulder. “Hush, child. Let me talk to Phil.”
There were many things Tommy absolutely hated, thanks to a certain masked vampire in a green cloak. Being told to be quiet and being hit were very high on that list.
Phil heard the hiss of burning skin as Tommy latched his fingers around Wilbur’s wrist. “Don’t. Touch. Me.”
Wilbur screamed, pulling his wrist away, but Tommy was already gone, leaving nothing but a single red feather on the counter.
----
“I take it the first meeting didn’t go well?” Techno asked.
“Your brother’s a dick.” Was all Tommy said in response.
“What did he do?”
“A lot of things. He hit me- not hard, but I still hated it. And he told me to be quiet.”
“I’m guessing those things make you uncomfortable?”
Tommy looked away, absently petting the raccoon in his lap. “Dream used to do those things. A lot.”
Phil extended one of his wings to rest around Tommy, and gently pulled his son closer. Tommy leaned into the touch.
Techno immediately sat up straighter. “You- you knew Dream?”
Tommy refused to meet his eyes. “A few- a few decades ago, he kidnapped us. Me, Tubbo, and Ranboo. He was using some kind of dark magic to keep us in place, and we were trapped for months. And- and he hurt us a lot, and he’d never let us talk to each other. He used to- he used to tell me I shouldn't talk, because I was just annoying, and no one wanted to listen to me. And he-” Tommy’s voice broke at that point, and he buried his face in Phil’s chest.
Technoblade met Phil’s eyes. “He did something similar to Wilbur. To a lot of people- we think he was trying to use people’s blood to steal their powers.” A pause. “I killed him for it, in the end.”
Tommy raised his head at this. “ You were the one that killed Dream?”
Techno shrugged. “He broke the laws of the Council and he hurt the people I loved. The bastard had it coming.”
Tommy smiled, just a bit. Phil felt himself smile, too.
----
The next time Wilbur and Tommy met, it was at Phil’s house. Phil and Techno were both in the room, but neither of them said anything, making the whole atmosphere overly cautious and generally awkward.
“So…” Wilbur finally spoke. “How did you and Phil meet?”
“Uhh, I became the Angel of Chaos when I was really young.” Tommy said. “I was really confused at first, and Phil had been the Angel of Death for a long time, so he kind of took me under his wing.” A short laugh. “Both metaphorically and literally, I guess.”
“That’s nice.” Wilbur said.
“Yeah.” Tommy said. “So, how’d you meet Technoblade?”
“He used to live in this little house in the woods outside our village.” Wilbur leaned forward, a bit more engaged now. “And the townspeople told the weirdest stories about him, so my friends and I went to try and find him. Turns out, he wasn’t a giant pig man that would eat our souls, just a really awkward 21-year old man who grew potatoes in his backyard. And he was kind of funny, so we kept visiting, and eventually he kind of just became part of our group.”
“And then he turned you guys into vampires?”
“Tommy!” Phil chided.
“What?” Tommy said. “It’s a normal question!”
“It’s alright.” Wilbur laughed. “Yeah, pretty much. I kind of had to be turned, out of necessity, and when Techno tried to warn Niki and Jack, it just ended with them getting turned as well. It was probably a pretty stressful night for him, if I’m being honest.”
“Why on earth would you think that, Wilbur?” Techno’s monotone voice dripped with sarcasm.
“Yeah, Wilbur, why on earth would you think that?” Tommy snarked.
Wilbur narrowed his eyes. “You both are very cruel to me.” He turned to Phil. “Phil, they’re being very mean.”
Phil patted him on the back. “It’s okay, mate.”
----
----
Some days, Phil missed a time when Tommy and Wilbur had never even heard of each other. Today was one of those days.
It was a Wednesday, and he was coming back from a shift at the diner. Wilbur hadn’t visited that night, but Techno and Niki had, and they were urging him to hurry up and open the door before the sun rose.
When he opened it, he was only slightly shocked to find his entire house was missing.
“Wow.” Niki said, peeking her head in. “This is...an interesting design.”
“It doesn’t normally look like this.” Techno whispered to her. “Usually there are floors and walls and furniture, and fewer trees and rivers and suspicious vans.”
“Oh, thank god.” Niki whispered back.
“Hey, Phil.” Ranboo waved from behind a tree that had grown where Phil’s fridge used to be. “The others are in the drug van.”
“The what?! ” Phil exclaimed. “Ranboo, who deleted my entire house and replaced it with a forest and a drug van?”
“That would be Tommy. Though it was Wilbur’s idea.”
“Of course it was. The little shits.”
“Phil!” Wilbur called from the entrance of the van. He was wearing a revolutionary-style uniform, and there was a fox on his shoulder. “We started a nation! It’s called L’manberg, and once we run out of drugs, Tubbo’s going to blow it all up!”
Tubbo stuck his head out of the van, dressed in a similar fashion, just without the fox. “It’s going to be so epic, Phil! You’ll love it.”
“That’s all very nice.” Phil said. “But why did you have to do it in my house?”
“I tried to stop them.” Ranboo offered.
“You should stop complaining, Philza.” Tommy sauntered out of the van and slung an arm around his father’s shoulder. “All you do is complain, all day. It’s actually really sad. An old man like you should enjoy the short time he has left-”
“You little shit!” Phil ruffled Tommy’s hair. “I’m immortal, did you forget?”
“Okay, Philza. If you say so.”
Before Phil could reprimand his son any further, the fox on Wilbur’s shoulder jumped off and ran towards them, tackling the Angel of Chaos with full force.
“WHY IS THERE A FOX HERE?!” Phil cried.
“That’s Fundy.” Wilbur declared proudly. “He is my son.”
“How is your son a fox ?!” Phil asked.
“His mother was a salmon.” Wilbur pointed to the river that had replaced Phil’s dining room. “One of those.”
“What-”
Phil felt Niki pat his shoulder.
“It’s alright.” She told him. “You get used to it.”
----
L’manburg was blown up completely by the weekend. Tubbo did the honors, with Techno summoning a few withers to finish the job.
Those had been a pain to kill.
Phil’s house had not survived the battle. His landlord had been pissed, and Ranboo had been forced to do some extreme mind-wiping.
In the end, Phil had been forced to move in with the vampires. Who happened to live in a mansion, which Phil had no clue how they afforded.
But it was alright, because even though none of the stairs in the mansion had railings, there was plenty of room for Phil and the angels.
All was good. In a very chaotic way, but good nonetheless.
----
Phil had been alive a long, long time, and he would probably be alive for a whole lot longer. But he wouldn’t be spending that time alone, so it would be alright.