Work Text:
DAVE: hey karkat
KARKAT: WHAT.
DAVE: is there anything you forgot to tell me about trolls
KARKAT: WHAT?
KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?
KARKAT: BETWEEN WHAT STILL MATTERS ABOUT ALTERNIA AND WHAT YOUR ATTENTION SPAN IS CAPABLE OF WITHSTANDING, I THINK I’VE TOLD YOU ENOUGH.
DAVE: ok but do you think theres anything of note you mightve missed
DAVE: like some particular morphologically relevant part of xenobiology
KARKAT: WHAT THE *FUCK* ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
DAVE: alright
DAVE: lemme phrase it like this
DAVE: what the fuck is that on your head
KARKAT: ON MY--
KARKAT: HAHA. VERY FUNNY.
KARKAT: I’M NOT FALLING FOR THAT ONE AGAIN. FOUR TIMES IS ENOUGH TO BE CAUGHT IN YOUR IDIOTIC “PRANKS”.
DAVE: theyre not pranks thats egberts deal
DAVE: which automatically makes pranking lame cause hes a loser
DAVE: mine are elaborate machinations to make you throw a hissy fit and piss yourself in rage
DAVE: speaking of which
DAVE: not the piss part i mean the hissy qualifier specifically
DAVE: im serious man look in the mirror
KARKAT: OH SURE. THEN WHAT, YOU’RE GOING TO FILL MY COMPUTER DESKTOP WITH CRUDE DEPICTIONS OF HUMAN GENITALIA AGAIN?
KARKAT: PLEASE, DAVE. IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT DEALING WITH MY PAST AND FUTURE SELVES HAS TAUGHT ME IS THAT INEVITABILITY IS JUST ONE MEANDERING CIRCLE OF STUPIDITY AWAITING DISRUPTION.
KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT I’M DOING HERE. I’M DISRUPTING YOUR SHIT.
DAVE: thats great karkat congrats on your evolution into karkat marx but just
DAVE: here
DAVE: see for yourself
DAVE: ...
DAVE: are you fucking serious karkat open your eyes
KARKAT: NO.
DAVE: jesus fucking christ come here you goddamn tsundere
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU DOI--
DAVE: blinds up sweetheart
KARKAT: AUGH! DON’T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME, YOU CREEP!
DAVE: open to papa
KARKAT: THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING-- *OUCH*!
KARKAT: YOU PRICKED MY GANDERBULBS, SHITFINGERS! THAT FUCKING H--
KARKAT:
KARKAT:
KARKAT:
KARKAT: DAVE.
DAVE: sup
KARKAT: DON’T “SUP” ME, NUTFUCK.
KARKAT: WHAT THE BULGE-GRATING SHIT IS THIS.
DAVE: thats kinda what i was trying to ask you here dude
KARKAT: YEAH RIGHT, WHAT A RIOT, WATCHING KARKAT DESPAIR ABOUT MEOWBEAST AURICULAR FLAPS SUDDENLY SPROUTING ON HIS HEAD. VERY FUNNY.
KARKAT: AND OH WHAT’S THIS? THERE’S EVEN A *TAIL*, TO BOOT? IN CASE I DIDN’T SEE THE NUBBY FLESHY ANTENNAE ON MY OWN PAN???
DAVE: what no im genuinely--
KARKAT: WELL LO AND FUCKING BEHOLD, THEY MOVE! I’M APPALLED! WHATEVER SHOULD I DO, I’M SO DISTRAUGHT BY THIS SUDDEN ADDITION TO MY PHYSIQUE!
DAVE: karkat i swear i didn’t--
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, THEY EVEN HAVE TACTILE FEELING. GOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR DEDICATION.
KARKAT: OK FINE. I’LL BITE. HOW DID YOU DO IT?
DAVE: uh did what
KARKAT: DROP THAT COY BULLSHIT, STRIDER. AT THIS POINT YOU’RE JUST DRAGGING ON THE JOKE THAT’S NEVER EVEN HAD THE CHANCE TO THRIVE IN THE REALM OF HUMOR.
KARKAT: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAKE US THIS WAY?
DAVE: karkat man i swear on megan foxs left tit that i--
DAVE: wait what do you mean us
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU THINK I MEAN, ASSHOLE? YOU AND I, A CONSORT OF TWO PEOPLE DWELLING IN THE SAME DISCURSIVE SPACE.
KARKAT: IF YOU’RE GOING TO START REQUIRING ME TO ELABORATE ON BASIC GRAMMAR, I MIGHT START WORRYING ABOUT THE STATE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH.
KARKAT: EVEN MORE THAN NOW, I MEAN.
DAVE: no no my mental whatevers fine thats not the point
DAVE: listen karkat
DAVE: as much as your reaction is hilarious and seeing you twitch your catboy ears is cute as all fucks
DAVE: like youre literally tilting your head and looking adorable even if you look halfway to murder youre a natural at this
DAVE: not sure if i want to pet you or pick you up and carry you around showing you off to all my friends
DAVE: oh shit would my eyes trigger your cat senses and youd try to catch my ganderballs
DAVE: ganderbulbs
DAVE: sight sacs i dunno
DAVE: anyway
DAVE: i legit had jack shit to do with this dude
DAVE: pinky swear
KARKAT: ...NOT THAT I BELIEVE YOU, BUT
KARKAT: ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU CALLED ME OUT WITHOUT TAKING ONE ACTUAL FUCKING LOOK AT YOURSELF FIRST?
DAVE: ...
KARKAT: UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE.
DAVE:
DAVE:
DAVE:
DAVE: oh hell no
KARKAT: OH HELL YES, APPARENTLY.
DAVE: no no no no hell fucking no
KARKAT: YEEEP.
DAVE: aw man
DAVE:
DAVE: i hope this doesnt awaken anything in me
KARKAT: WHAT?
DAVE: nothing
DAVE: hey why is your tail fluffier than mine
DAVE: wow theres a sentence i never imagined id ever say ever
KARKAT: I WISH YOU’D NEVER SAID IT.
KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW? JESUS FUCK, MY FUR LOOKS LIKE A SQUAWKBEAST’S NEST.
DAVE: and that comes as a surprise?
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
KARKAT: YOUR FLAPS AREN’T EVEN--
KARKAT: ...
DAVE: arent even what
KARKAT: ...GROOMED.
KARKAT: THEY’RE ALL BRISTLED. COME HERE.
DAVE: nah i think im good
DAVE: thanks
KARKAT: GET THE FUCK OVER HERE, NOOKWIPE.
DAVE: damn ok sir
DAVE: bossy much
DAVE: wonder if this is whats like being called in to serve in the army
DAVE: good morning son time to serve your now extinct country grab your shit and join the other wankers in the truck
DAVE: we rise at the sweaty ass crack of lady dawn eat shit and shoot stuff
DAVE: get ready for your non consented barber appointment at zero nine hundred
DAVE: jk its just you me a razor and a soundproof bathroom with questionable tile stains
DAVE: but then plot twist the training drills already started first one to get to the razor wins
DAVE: you never know when the soviets might attack ag--
DAVE:
DAVE:
DAVE:
KARKAT: ...DAVE?
DAVE: yeah
KARKAT: EVERYTHING ALRIGHT?
DAVE: just dandy
DAVE: why
KARKAT: YOU UH
KARKAT: YOU’RE MAKING A WEIRD NOISE IN YOUR BELLOW BOX.
KARKAT: I’VE NEVER HEARD YOU MAKE THAT BEFORE.
DAVE: i dont hear anything
DAVE: you sure it isnt you
KARKAT: ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.
KARKAT: HERE. TOUCH YOUR CHEST.
DAVE: uh
DAVE: ...
KARKAT: ...YOU’RE BLUSHING.
DAVE: what no
KARKAT: YES YOU DEFINITELY ARE, YOUR SKIN IS A CERTIFIABLY DIFFERENT COLOR THAN BEFORE.
DAVE: pfft right
DAVE: why would i be blushing
KARKAT: YOU TELL ME, IDIOT, WHAT ARE YOU EMBARRASSED ABOU--
KARKAT: OH.
DAVE: nope
KARKAT: YOU’RE ENJOYING THIS.
DAVE: nope
KARKAT: SO IT FEELS GOOD WHEN I TOUCH YOUR FLAPS LIKE THIS?
DAVE: jesus fuck please dont say that
KARKAT: DAVE--
DAVE: seriously your words sometimes translate real poorly into english
KARKAT: DAVE.
DAVE: i dunno if its actually a translation actually i mean we can understand each other whats up with that huh
KARKAT: *DAVE*!
DAVE: what is it karkat
DAVE: theres no need to yell im right here
KARKAT: DAVE.
KARKAT: IT’S OK.
KARKAT: I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE FUN OF YOU OR ANYTHING, IF THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT.
DAVE: im not worried about anything
KARKAT: SURE, WHATEVER.
KARKAT: I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF IT’S A GOOD THING OR A BAD THING.
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT TO DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.
DAVE: ...
DAVE: awww
DAVE: gay
KARKAT: I STILL DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT THAT IMPLIES.
DAVE: dont worry bout it
DAVE: it just means im all feeling wooed over here
DAVE: swooning and shit
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD.
DAVE: look my cat bits are all ruffled and puffed check it
KARKAT: UUUUUUUUUGH.
KARKAT: MUST YOU
KARKAT: ***ALWAYS***
KARKAT: BE ***********SUCH***********
KARKAT: A FUCKING
KARKAT: ****************************INSUFFERABLE FUCKING PRICK****************************??????????????????
DAVE: karkat watch your tone dont make me hiss at you
KARKAT: ASDFGHJKLÇ
DAVE: oh my god did *you* just hiss??
DAVE: thats fucking adorable haha
KARKAT: THERE IS NOTHING ADORABLE ABOUT THIS SITUATION, STRIDER!!!
KARKAT: THIS IS NOT PART OF MY ANATOMY, AND TO BE HONEST,
KARKAT: NOW THAT I THINK OF IT, IF YOU AREN’T RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS JOKE OF POORLY FUCKING APPRAISED VALUE AND YOU’RE UTTERLY USELESS IN THE KNOWLEDGE DEPARTMENT PERTAINING THIS SITUATION
DAVE: dang
KARKAT: THEN...
KARKAT: HOW DO WE BACK TO NORMAL???
DAVE: beats me
DAVE: wanna try meowing real loud
KARKAT: I DON’T SEE HOW THAT COULD POSSIBLY HELP ANY LIVING BEING ANYWHERE EVER, PAST, PRESENT *OR* FUTURE, IN ANY FUCKING WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
KARKAT: TRY AGAIN.
KARKAT: ...YOU SURE SEEM TO BE TAKING TO THE FELINE LIFE, THOUGH. WAY TOO FUCKING WHOLEHEARTEDLY, EVEN, IF YOU ASK ME.
DAVE: yeah about that
DAVE: im pretty sure this is a dream bubble
DAVE: unless you had a weirdly specific hobby of collecting earthly domestic appliances back in alternia
KARKAT: WHY THE EVER THROBBING, BULGING *FUCK* WOULD I--
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: ***YOU KNEW***???
DAVE: jesus dude keep it down
DAVE: i wasnt joking my kitten ears are sensitive
KARKAT: SENSITIVE MY--
DAVE: i just realized man chill out
DAVE: were probably seeing some cat troll wet dream or something
KARKAT: UGH. I HOPE IT’S NOT THE ONE I’M THINKING OF.
DAVE: then better not to think of it at all
DAVE: you know how volatile these things are
KARKAT: SHIT. RIGHT.
KARKAT: I'LL FOCUS ON SOMETHING ELSE.
DAVE: cool
DAVE:
KARKAT:
DAVE:
KARKAT:
DAVE: ...
DAVE: its not bad
KARKAT: WHAT ISN’T?
DAVE: the uh
DAVE: ear
DAVE: thing
KARKAT: WHAT, GROOMING?
DAVE: yes that
DAVE: that is the only appropriate term for that gesture and should be used exclusively when describing that action
KARKAT: DOES THAT MEAN SOMETHING ELSE FOR HUMANS?
DAVE: nope not at all it is a perfectly unambiguous word and means strictly the act of continuously and repeatedly applying light to medium pressure with your fingertips to a cat ear in up and down sliding movements.
KARKAT: I HOPE YOU'RE AWARE OF HOW FUCKING WEIRD YOUR REPLY WAS.
DAVE: i dunno what youre talking about
DAVE: the important part is that it doesnt hurt its
DAVE: pleasant
DAVE: you can keep doing it i generously grant you that high honor
KARKAT: ACTUALLY, MY HANDS ARE GETTING KIND OF TIRED.
KARKAT: I'M NOT USED TO HAVING CLAWS THIS BIG.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: ok
DAVE: thats cool
KARKAT: SORRY.
DAVE: nah dw theres more stuff i wanna try with this hd furry gear before were back to normal
DAVE: ...
DAVE: hey want me to return the favor
KARKAT: ...THE WAY YOU SAID THAT SOUNDED MORE SUSPICIOUS THAN VRISKA OFFERING SOMEONE GRUBPOPS FOR FREE.
DAVE: ok cool in that case imma throw in some extra styling gel on the house
KARKAT: STYLING G-- *EUGH*!
KARKAT: GET OFF OF ME, ASSHOLE! GET THAT TONGUE AWAY FROM ME!
DAVE: sorry karkat its time for your cat shower ive felinely deemed you improperly unsanitized
DAVE: cant stop the nyahs bro
KARKAT: UGH, *DAVE*, THAT’S GROSS! YOU’RE SLOBBERING YOUR NASTY MOUTH FLUIDS ALL OVER MY HAIR!
DAVE: ...
DAVE: would you rather have them somewhere else
KARKAT: YES, INSIDE YOUR *OWN* SQUAWK GAPER!
DAVE: hot damn karkat
KARKAT: THAT IS NOT!!! WHAT I!!!
KARKAT: ASDFGHJKLÇAÇGLKFJDHAHFAJGKKGH
DAVE: haha ok ok kitty cat no need to cough up a fur ball over it
DAVE: ...karkat the kitty cat
KARKAT: ):<B
DAVE: ...karkitty cat
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: ON SECOND THOUGHT, YOU MIGHT BE ONTO SOMETHING HERE.
DAVE: wait no karkat get off--
DAVE: augh mannn now my face is sticky god fucking damn it
DAVE: fine
DAVE: truce between pussies?
KARKAT: HEH. ALRIGHT, TRUCE BETWEEN FUCKING PUSSIES.
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING ABOUT? PUSSIES ARE CATS, RIGHT?
DAVE: yeah well--
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY. AFTER SO LONG, YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN'T HAVE MANAGED TO PICK UP ON YOUR PRIMITIVE TERRESTRIAL LINGO?
KARKAT: PLEASE. AT THIS POINT, MY THINKPAN IS A RECURSIVE REPOSITORY OF INTERGALACTIC KNOWLEDGE, ACCUMULATED THROUGHOUT THIS SHITHIVE “ADVENTURE” WE’VE HAD TO DRAG OUR PATHETIC SELVES INTO.
KARKAT: DON’T UNDERESTIMATE MY INTERLINGUISTIC ABILITIES, DAVE.
DAVE:
DAVE: ok
DAVE: true
DAVE: indubitably correct you are sir yep that is one tight inference you just made
KARKAT: HEH. THANK YOU.
DAVE: its tighter than some mall santas fake belt ready to give up at any given time all itd take is some brat looking at it wrong
DAVE: the belt has seen things karkat
DAVE: too many things a belt should never have to witness
KARKAT: I’M SURE IT’LL SURVIVE.
KARKAT: OR BE EATEN BY SOME STRONGER ACCESSORY IN THE CLOTHES FOOD CHAIN OR SOMETHING, I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.
KARKAT: NOW GET DOWN HERE, I HAVE THIS SUDDEN IMPULSE TO CURL UP ON YOUR SIDE.
DAVE: ...you what??
DAVE: damn ok karkittles
DAVE: as you wish
DAVE: ...
DAVE: didnt mean to get anything done anytime soon anyway
