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The cool hit TK the moment he stepped through the door and out of Carlos’ condo. He had been in there for all of two minutes but already it felt like it had been too hot and like he couldn’t catch his breath.
TK filled his lungs with fresh air and let it clear his head. He’d wanted to slam the door shut but somehow, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Instead, he still held the handle in his hand, the door just shy of falling into the lock.
He should close it.
He really should and then he should get the hell away from here. Run, before the last pieces of his heart would be shattered as well. Run, before this could go too far, before he would get hurt again, before he gave someone else the power to break him.
And before he pulled a good man like Carlos Reyes into the mess he was.
There were one thousand reasons for him to just pull the door shut; to close it and leave and never look back. There were probably even more and if he really tried, maybe TK would be able to list them all.
But there was also one reason why he shouldn’t.
Taking another lungful of fresh air, TK finally turned to the door and carefully pushed it open again. He took a cautious step back inside, hesitating right on the threshold and looking up to where he had left Carlos standing. Only, the man wasn’t where TK left him when he stormed out; instead, he leaned against the counter behind him, looking… well, defeated. And small.
And TK hated it.
They stared at each other for a small eternity, neither seemingly knowing what to say or where to start. TK’s heart broke a little more right that moment at seeing the look in Carlos’ eyes. He would’ve expected anger or disgust but instead only found hurt and confusion.
Emotions he caused and he hated it. He hardly knew this man and yet, seeing him like this, knowing he had done this to him… it touched a part of TK he had thought beyond broken.
Licking his lips, it took TK three tries before he was finally able to speak out loud. “I’m sorry.” He wrung his hands together and stepped a little further into the room. “You don’t deserve this– this mess or to be treated like this and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t– I shouldn’t have…” He fell silent again, not sure about how to continue.
Carlos broke the silence between them. “You don’t need to apologize–”
“But I do,” TK insisted, trying to keep his wandering eyes focused on the man before him. “I do, because you deserve better. It’s just… I’m not– I’m…” His gaze fell on the romantic setting of the table again and he took a deep breath before finally explaining, “I’m not ready for this.”
“Yeah, you already said that,” Carlos scoffed out.
TK slowly shook his head. “No, actually… I said I wasn’t looking for it. But.” Pressing one hand through his hair, he tried to get rid of this nervous energy inside of him. His hand was even a bit shaky. “But that’s a lie. I– I usually don’t do, uhm… this either.”
At that, Carlos raised an eyebrow. “What, meaningless hookups?”
“Repeating hookups,” TK corrected, licking his lips once again. “With the same guy. For me, it was always either one-night stands or real relationships. And I just– I can’t do the second thing right now. So I thought it would be back to meaningless one-night stands.” TK bit his lip as he found Carlos’ gaze again. “But then I met you and… and I– I thought I could handle just having a few rounds with the same guy but… you’re actually sweet, and kind, and amazing, and– and the more I get to know you, I can’t help but think that you’re the kind of guy…” Stopping himself for a second, TK closed his eyes before focusing back on Carlos, holding his gaze he took a gamble. “The kind of guy I could see something with.”
Carlos’ eyes went wide and TK hoped he would say something while he let out a shaky breath. When nothing came, TK went on.
“And that’s exactly the problem. I didn’t just come out of a relationship, recently. It was like… this nuclear bad break-up and I’m not– I can’t– I’m just not–”
“Ready for it,” Carlos finished for him, his voice now void of any scorn or edge. It was soft again, the way TK had come to know it.
Slowly, TK nodded. “Yeah, exactly. So I kind of, uhm… tried to not get to know you, you know? And then you did this–” He pointed towards the table. “And it– it scared me. But it also shows me again what a sweet guy you are and… man, you definitely deserve better than me and my mess and–”
“Hey, no,” Carlos intervened, standing up straight again for the first time. “Don’t do that, please.”
“Do what?”
“Make the decision for me? Look, I get when you say you’re not ready, okay? I get it and I respect it. And yeah, you’re probably right, all this here was a bit much. But please don’t say stuff like I would deserve better.”
“But you do–”
“But it’s my decision. I’ll accept that you aren’t ready but don’t just go and make decisions for me, okay?” He waited until TK actually nodded before he went on. “And yeah, you might already know me a little, but certainly not good enough. Cause if you did, you’d know that I’m not perfect either.”
“I doubt that,” TK couldn’t help but mumble and for the first time, he could see a little smile flick over Carlos’ lips. They were both silent until TK finally asked, “So. Where… where does that leave us?”
Carlos shrugged. “Well, you’re not ready for more, but… I don’t think at this point, I can do less…” He left the words hanging but the implication was loud and clear.
Disappointment and yes, sadness, were quickly settling into TK’s stomach. Nodding, he took a step back. “Okay. Okay, yeah. That’s fair. Guess I’ll get out of your hair then.” Already stepping back and reaching for the door again, it was Carlos’ voice that held him back.
“How about a middle ground, then?”
When their eyes met, TK was sure he saw the same sadness in them he was feeling right now. Sadness that this seemed to be the end for them. But there was also an ounce of hope.
And there was hope in Carlos’ voice as well. “You might not want a boyfriend right now. But how about a friend?”
Caught by surprise, TK was gaping at Carlos, trying to read just how genuine the man was. When he found nothing but honesty in Carlos’ demeanor, a smile slowly tugged at his lips. “I– I’d like that, yeah. That sounds really good, actually.”
A weight seemed to be lifted from Carlos as the man returned his smile, appearing to shake off the heaviness of the moment as he pointed towards the table. “Does that mean you’ll join me for dinner after all? And before you protest, just know that I cook for all my friends.”
“Wow, I feel so special right now,” TK teased before turning serious again, nodding once as he added, “But I actually love fish, so… yes. Yes, I’d like that as well.”
“Good,” Carlos replied, a cheeky grin spreading over his face. “And since I’m not trying to woo you anymore, I’ll even let you help me with the dishes afterwards.”
Laughing, TK moved over to the chair he’d previously abandoned and sat down. “Sounds fair.”
“So,” Carlos asked as lifted the champagne bottle. “Still none of this? Since it’s not in a romantical setting anymore?”
TK shook his head, trying for an apologetic look. “I really don’t drink.”
“Alright.” Without further ado, Carlos put the bottle back in the cooler and then picked the whole thing up, taking the two glasses with his other hand, and moved over to the kitchen to put it all aside.
“Hey, that doesn’t mean you can’t drink,” TK assured him but Carlos was already opening the fridge door.
“Nonsense. Why would I drink alone? So what can I get you?” Taking out different bottles, he fluently put them on the high-top counter to present a variety to TK while listing what he laid out. “Mineral water, soda, juice, ice tea? I’m pretty sure I also have some green tea somewhere.”
Watching the man for a moment, TK searched for any unease, any nervousness, any awkwardness starting to set in. But there was none. Carlos was sure of what he did and his way of speaking and moving around the kitchen had an easy calm about it. The man was relaxed now and it was easy for TK to believe that he truly didn’t mind entertaining TK as a friend rather than a date.
It was all TK needed to truly and fully relax as well. “Ice tea would be great, thank you.”
Not even five minutes later, they were both seated at the table and TK took his first bite, hardly able to suppress a moan. By the way Carlos was looking at him, a grin playing around his lips before he took a sip of his soda, TK could tell that the man was pleased by his reaction.
“This is so good. Wow.”
“Yeah? Glad you didn’t walk out on that?”
“Definitely,” TK assured before taking another bite. “God, where did you learn to cook like that?”
“My mother. I grew up at her elbow, learning everything she had to teach me.”
Before they knew it, they’d fallen into an easy conversation that carried on long after the fish was eaten and dessert had been served; both of them laughing and joking and enjoying getting to know each other beyond the physical aspects and those few impressions while working the same scenes. It wasn’t until they stood side by side to clean the dishes that TK turned calmer again, more serious. Watching Carlos for a few heartbeats, he spoke. “Carlos? Thank you.”
“For what? Dinner?”
“That too, yes. But you know what I mean.”
When Carlos looked up, his brown eyes were soft, radiating understanding. “You’re welcome.” Nudging his shoulder into TK’s, the two of them shared a smile before turning back to their tasks.
“You didn’t ask,” TK couldn’t help pointing out after a few silent minutes.
“Ask what?”
“Why I don’t drink? What was so bad about my breakup? Any of those?”
“Neither is any of my business. And.” Looking up, he caught TK’s gaze again. “I figured you would tell me if you thought it needed to be.”
TK focused back on his hands and drying off the knives Carlos handed him. Seeing how the sink was almost empty of any more dishes though, he knew they wouldn’t be distracted by this for much longer. But it would probably be easier this way; talking without looking at the man.
“He cheated on me.”
He could hear Carlos draw in a deep breath, his movements halting for a few seconds before he went back to it, not interrupting TK at all.
“Had been for months by the time I found out. And… I only found out because…” Swallowing hard, he kneaded the towel in his hands. “I found out because I was going to propose to him.”
“Oh God, TK…”
“Guess I can be grateful he finally fessed up instead of dragging me along for much longer.”
“That’s awful. God, I’m so sorry.”
TK simply shrugged his shoulders. “That’s not even the worst of it…” There was no pressure, no question from Carlos. The man simply waited and let TK set the pace. “That night, I– I relapsed.”
With that, he looked back up at Carlos. He didn’t know why, but he needed to see the man’s reaction. Needed to know what he thought of him, now that he knew the ugly truth. Needed to see the disgust and the aversion so he knew he’d blown his chance with Carlos, once and for all, before the man could sugarcoat it or school his reaction.
But to his surprise, once again, there was none of that. There was surprise, yes, and a quick flick of Carlos’ eyes to where the champagne cooler still stood, now bare of any bottle. Realization set in and Carlos slowly nodded. “That explains it. I’m such an idiot, I’m sor–”
“No, no, it’s fine,” TK interrupted right away. “Really, you… you couldn’t have known. I’m not even addicted to alcohol. It’s, uhm… it’s substances,” he mumbled, his eyes back on his hands. “But it's easier if I just, you know… stay clear of it all.”
“I get it. Still wish I hadn’t just assumed…”
“It’s okay, really. And quite frankly, I’ve never had friends react as smoothly as you did. They would always just… nag me about it, you know? Ask all these questions or just assume I don’t like it so they tried to convince me how good it tastes. And those that knew the real reason? They often wouldn’t accept my ‘no’ either.”
“Sounds like you were in dire need of new friends.”
At that, TK scoffed out a humorless laugh and nodded in agreement. “I was in dire need of a fresh start. Hence why my dad brought us here.”
“I’m glad he did.” Carlos’ voice was so gentle and looking back at him, TK returned the soft smile.
“So am I,” he replied – and yes, he really meant it. Nudging his shoulder into Carlos’, he lingered in his space as he once again breathed out. “So am I.”