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Hannibal was awake. Will was too. But they both stayed where they were, lying next to each other in silence. It had become a habit of theirs, quiet in each other’s company rather than worrying about the sleep that would eventually come. Will was starting to find it comforting, and he wondered if it would feel odd to try to sleep without Hannibal there.
It hadn’t been that long since he’d started sleeping in Hannibal’s bed, slowly overcome by the inevitability of their relationship. He’d taken time to be angry, to grieve, to partially forgive, and eventually to resign to who he knew he had become. The sort of person who could lie next to Hannibal Lecter at night and feel safe. Their past would suggest he wasn’t, but their present was rather different.
The first few weeks after he’d crawled out of the ocean, spluttering and wheezing while he nursed his injuries, had been quiet. Hannibal had managed to drag himself onto the shore and they’d pulled each other to safety. They’d not talked, working entirely on the knowledge that something had changed. Something had died at the bottom of that cliff, even if it wasn’t either of them.
They’d healed, slowly and painfully, hiding out wherever they could. Eventually Hannibal had managed to make arrangements, saying this casually one night while Will looked out at the sky. He’d made arrangements to go somewhere more permanent, a small place he’d purchased a while back that hadn’t yet been traced for him. When Will hadn’t moved, Hannibal had added as gently as Hannibal could, that there was a second bedroom and travel could be available for two. Will remembered staring out the window, looking at the stars that were so clear it reminded him of his old home back in Wolf Trap.
He’d agreed. And that’s how they’d ended up here.
Will had taken the second bedroom when they’d first moved in. Hannibal had called this a small place, which it was compared to the selection of his previous homes that Will had seen. Having a second bedroom still made it large in Will’s mind. It was near the sea, which Will was unused to but slowly grew to enjoy. It was also remote, giving them privacy that Will was grateful for.
It wasn’t that he was oblivious. Anymore. Will knew what Hannibal felt for him. Now that Hannibal had nothing to hide, he would show his emotions clearly and when he looked at Will it was almost dizzying. Will hadn’t been ready yet though, so he had his own room, his own space that wasn’t Hannibal’s. They still barely talked, although Will succumbed to having dinner with Hannibal most nights. They were keeping a low profile, not drawing attention, so Will was sure that Hannibal had actually purchased the meat on their plates. Mostly. They ate in a tension that Will knew he could live with for the rest of his life if he wanted to. He never had to have more than this, he could just be near to Hannibal and let that be the end of it. Enough to damp his craving without doing anything reckless. But he’d never been very good at impulse control.
By now he couldn’t remember why he’d kissed Hannibal, or followed him to bed. He didn’t remember what had been special about that night that he’d decided he wasn’t angry anymore. He didn’t remember what had broken his resolve. He just remembered the night they’d had afterwards, and the way he’d fallen asleep more easily in Hannibal’s arms than he ever had before. He remembered the way that Hannibal was still awake when he’d drifted off, whispering soft phrases that Will was sure were poetic but had simply lulled him to sleep.
Will thought about all that as he lay on his side of the bed, looking out into the dark and listening carefully to see if he could hear the waves. He wondered if Hannibal had bought this place after they’d met, if maybe he’d bought it with the idea that they would be here together one day. He wasn’t sure if it really mattered in the end. Hannibal’s actions were never governed by what society could understand. Will knew him more than anyone else ever would, and some parts of Hannibal were still a mystery to him.
“Can you hear the ocean?” Will whispered. He couldn’t hear it himself, but sometimes it felt that Hannibal was more than human. Will knew he wasn’t, not really, he was just very good at giving the illusion that he was. But still sometimes Will wondered.
“Not anymore.” Hannibal said, his eyes crinkling in a smile that Will could hear in his voice. “Is the silence too much?”
“No.” Will said, keeping his voice quiet. They were the only people here, no neighbours to disturb either, but he didn’t want to break the peace they had together. “I was just thinking.”
“A very dangerous thing to do at this hour.” Hannibal said. “Were you thinking about anything in particular?”
“Us, mostly.” Will said. He felt the way Hannibal shifted, minutely but enough to make the bed sink a little differently. He heard the change in Hannibal’s breath. Hannibal still felt some excitement at the prospect of the two of them being an “us”. Or, at least, an “us” that Will was willing to admit to.
“What about us is keeping you up tonight?” Hannibal asked, his tone as calm and casual as it always was. Will was struck for a moment by how easily he could read Hannibal now. Hannibal let himself show his emotions more, Will knew that, but even subtle changes were simple to pick up on despite Hannibal’s cool façade.
“Nothing bad.” Will said, a little more quietly. If he reached out, he could touch Hannibal, but he had come to like being like this. Together, but apart. He could whisper into the void and the void would whisper back.
“Anything good?” Hannibal asked, and Will could imagine the way his eyes looked. Desperately impassive while not trying to force a certain answer out of him.
“A little.” Will whispered. “I was wondering one thing.”
“Is it something I can answer?” Hannibal was definitely not a simple conversationalist, but his guard was down at night when they were like this. He had no mask to put on. Will didn’t have to fight through nearly as much poetry and metaphor to get to the point. It was part of why he liked being near him like this. Will rolled onto his side, facing Hannibal properly just a little closer to him.
“When did you realise you loved me?” Will asked.
There were a few moments of silence. Will watched the vague shadow of Hannibal in the dark, barely moving except for the slow rise and fall of his chest.
“It was gradual.” Hannibal said eventually. “A difficult thing to name, at first.”
Will would never really know what being Hannibal was like. He could profile and extrapolate. He was even rather good at predicting Hannibal’s actions from what he imagined the emotions behind them would be. But he would never know how Hannibal felt those emotions. He’d seen numerous professionals try to explain the terrible Hannibal Lecter while he was imprisoned, and most called him a charming but violent psychopath. Will wasn’t entirely convinced though. He wasn’t sure Hannibal could be diagnosed.
“I knew that you had broken my heart by betraying me.” Hannibal continued after a long pause. “I had… envisioned us existing together. And I had had a fondness for you for a long time. Indeed, I’d had an interest in you since our first meeting.” Hannibal let out a breath. Will stayed quiet, letting him speak. Hannibal could talk in circles if he wanted to, but this all felt real. “It was after we displayed Randall. I watched you work, and it was captivating. But more than that I suddenly saw what you had become. Not because of me, but because of yourself.”
“I came out of the chrysalis.” Will whispered, feeling more than seeing Hannibal’s smile in response.
“Indeed. No amount of undercover work could have created what I saw there. You just weren’t ready to accept your transformation yet.” Hannibal said. “We paid the price for moving too fast.”
“Is that why you were willing to wait?” Will asked softly. “This time around, you waited a long time for me.”
“I knew if we could ever survive each other, you needed to be the one to come to me.” Hannibal said. “If I pulled you close you would only pull away. Although I was delighted that Jack made the wait much shorter than it could have been.” Hannibal reached a hand out, but stopped short of actually touching Will. Just making the distance between them smaller. “Does that relieve some of your wondering?”
“In some ways.” Will said softly. He had understood almost all of Hannibal’s past actions towards him by now. That didn’t mean he agreed with them, or could forgive them entirely, but he had understood them and moved on. He knew how Hannibal could hurt him while he loved him. He understood that Hannibal had hurt him so much because he loved him. He didn’t dwell on it, because he also understood that it wouldn’t happen again.
“Have you been questioning your own feelings, Will?” Hannibal asked, rolling to face Will as well. He was still barely visible, but it felt a lot more intimate for some reason now they were facing each other.
“You’re not my therapist anymore, Doctor.” Will said, still quiet but with a teasing edge.
“No, but I am your bedfellow, so I believe it’s still relevant.” Hannibal’s voice was lifted ever so slightly.
“I might not have an answer you want to hear.” Will said.
“If you decided to leave this bed, return to your own room, and have us never touch again, I would still be content with your companionship.” Hannibal said.
Will was quiet for a moment after that. He didn’t think Hannibal was apathetic to his feelings. He probably still wanted Will to love him, even if it wasn’t exactly the way he loved Will. But he also fully believed what Hannibal was saying. Having Will, in whatever way it ended up being, was enough. They could simply exist together, in orbit around each other. Will thought about that, the fact that he was enough, simply by existing.
“I think I’ve been falling for you for a long time.” Will said quietly. “I don’t know how long. But at some point, along the way, I stopped hating you. And I think I started loving you then.”
Hannibal didn’t move. He was unnaturally still, his breathing cut down as he listened, waiting for Will to do something. It felt like a coiled python, but Will knew how Hannibal struck. There was no danger for him here anymore.
“Hannibal, I love you.”
The silence dragged on, but Will didn’t find it uncomfortable. Instead he felt both of them just lying in this moment, taking it in. Will imagined Hannibal was keeping the memory, storing it away perfectly.
“I hope you’re saying that because you mean it, rather than out of any sense of obligation.” Hannibal said.
“I mean it.” Will replied, his voice steady. He reached out and took the hand that lay between them, only holding gently but bridging the gap. “I know better than to start playing with your feelings now.” He smiled a little, although there was a touch of pain in his voice. The fact he’d stopped hating Hannibal doesn’t mean their past had disappeared. Simply settled to a dull ache.
Hannibal didn’t acknowledge the brief change, although Will knew he must have caught it. Easier for both of them to just stick with their unspoken agreement that they’d moved on. He did squeeze Will’s hand ever so slightly, a hint of comfort, before he leaned closer to place a soft kiss on Will’s lips.
“You are exquisite.” He whispered. Will didn’t have to ask if Hannibal was saying that out of obligation. After all this time he knew that was one constant at least. Hannibal was fascinated by him, captivated by him. No matter how mundane and normal he felt, Hannibal saw him as a diamond in the rough. Exquisite.
“Kiss me.” Will whispered. It was addictive, being adored like that.
Hannibal only paused for a moment, a smile that Will could see through the dark, before moving closer to kiss him properly. Long fingers went to Will’s jaw, angling him ever so slightly. Will went easily, letting the messy wave of emotions wash through him. It would never be simple with Hannibal. The exhilaration of saying love out loud, mixed with the heavy knowledge of what it meant to love a man like this. To be the sort of person capable of loving a man like this. The electric feeling of Hannibal’s hand tracing down his side, the echo of past pain caused by those hands blanketed by the certain knowledge that it would never happen again. The memory of hate and disgust and fury all muddled with the unmistakable feeling that they were two halves of one whole. They were bound together on a raft lost at sea; all Will could choose was how turbulent the waters were.
Will caught his breath as Hannibal pulled back, interrupting his web of emotions.
“It’s late, my love.” He whispered, placing a few gentle kisses over his jaw. Will sighed softly, pushing away the maelstrom of conflicting emotions to simply enjoy the touch.
“We should sleep.” He agreed quietly. He felt Hannibal begin to pull away, moving to lie separately side by side as had become their habit.
Will put a hand on his arm, stopping him. Wordlessly, he moved closer, pressing up against Hannibal and wrapping his arms around him. He felt Hannibal tense almost imperceptibly, before returning the gesture and entwining their limbs together. Will rested his head on Hannibal’s shoulder, closing his eyes. They fit together effortlessly. Will closed his eyes, letting himself take comfort and pushing away the usual feelings of regret and guilt. If he was ever to truly accept himself, the way Hannibal had wanted him to since the beginning, he would have to accept Hannibal too. They were too much a part of each other for anything else.
As Will drifted off to sleep, he and his other half wrapped around each other, he realised that finally he felt whole.