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Resolved: Calling your romantic partner “Lightning McQueen” is a term of endearment

Summary:

Kaz Brekker has spent his entire high school career training to be the best debater in the area, clawing his way to the spot of captain with ease. So come senior year? Nothing will stop him from making it to Nationals. Sure, he has the chaos of transfer students from Ireland, the new kid from the Van Eck family, and his own budding romance with Inej, but surely everything will go smoothly.

...Right?

Notes:

Discord IDs
Server nicknames will be listed each chapter as they change

 

Inej: knife bi
Kaz: Kaz Brekker (Your God)
Nina: Corpsewitch
Matthias: Matthias
Jesper: that hot mess
Wylan: Wyatt van egg

Chapter 1: chaos mode activated

Summary:

In which new students are introduced, bbq becomes a banned topic, and Jesper gets a crush.

Notes:

Current Server Nicknames
All nicknames used in the server this chapter will be listed here in order of changes

 

Inej: knife bi, avocado juice milker
Kaz: Kaz Brekker (Your God)
Nina: Corpsewitch
Matthias: Matthias, resident malewife
Jesper: that hot mess
Wylan: Wyatt van egg

Chapter Text

#announcements: Today at 1:20 PM

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God) 

@everyone Hello all, and welcome back to another year of hell in the Dregs. We have a few new members on the team this year, as well as some exchange students from Ireland, so make sure to behave. (Any stabbings will be critiqued and punished harshly.)

 

In other news, we will be making it to Nationals this year, so expect extra practices to get your sorry asses into shape. First practice will be in one week, I will see you all then.

 

#general: Today at 1:21 PM

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God)  

Alright per usual, all those not in the seniors suite have been baby-gated. Don’t forget, they can still see #quotes and #announcements, so do your best to make them jealous :)

 

that hot mess

petition to rename #quotes bc that’s boring 

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God)  

Sure. What did you want to change it to?

 

that hot mess

@Matthias hey you’re cis-straight right?

 

Matthias 

Yes, why?

 

that hot mess

perfect thanks! anyway it’s now #five-queers-and-a-hetero . also @resident malewife

 

resident malewife 

Can I resign from this team?

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God)  

No.

 

Wyatt van egg 

Is this like a sausage situation

Hostage situation, sorry

Wait how did you know im queer

 

that hot mess

you changed your last name to be egg, no further questions. also you can’t spell

 

Wyatt van egg 

Damn tts is dyslexic too

 

knife bi

jesper, be nice. wylan you’re rooming with nina and i right? sorry again about dean haskell, we’ve been campaigning to fix this school’s transphobic policies for years



DMs - Kaz Brekker (Your God) and knife bi: Today at 1:30 PM

 

knife bi

give wylan the best child role

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God)

Done.

 

knife bi 

thank you

 

DMs - bi trio: Today at 1:30 PM

 

that hot mess 

oh my god i fucked up so bad

 

knife bi

just try to be nice jesper, i know he’s cute and you get flustered but you’ll be fine

 

that hot mess

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

#general: Today at 1:32 PM

 

resident malewife 

Wylan’s typo reminded me, there’s BBQ in the dining hall today

 

knife bi

I’ll have to grab mine to go, I have to run to a meeting

 

Corpsewitch

I’ve never heard of bbq as a takeaway before? Is it like a burger bar?

 

knife bi

What do you mean you can’t order bbq to go?

 

Corpsewitch

I mean, if we want bbq food we yeet some burgers and sausages onto the barbeque in the back garden

 

that hot mess

i could smash a battered sausage, and cheesy chip butty from a chippy rn tbh

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God) 

Nina, that’s not bbq.

That’s burgers and hot dogs.

Bbq is like-

 

Corpsewitch

That is a bbq? Because it’s literally cooked in a barbeque

 

knife bi

w h a t

 

Corpsewitch

Food cooked on a barbeque???

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God) 

NO.

BBQ is a cooking style, like a brisket.

 

Corpsewitch

What the fuck is a brisket

 

knife bi

in america bbq refers to meat that is slow cooked, usually over wood smoke, and almost always has barbecue sauce and certain seasonings

 

Wyatt van egg 

Is no one going to talk about whatever jesper just said

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God) 

Ireland has robbed you of so much.

Brisket is a cut of beef.

 

Corpsewitch

Oh so like roast beef

 

resident malewife 

It also includes sides of cornbread, fries, collard greens, etc.

 

that hot mess

i mean you all don’t have proper chippies so who’s really missing out here

 

Wyatt van egg 

Theres that word again

 

knife bi

here’s a wiki entry about the differences

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God) 

Roast beef isn’t bbq.

 

Wyatt van egg 

Someone please tell me what the fuck a chippie is

 

Corpsewitch

A FISH & CHIP SHOP

 

knife bi

nina please read the article before kaz has a stroke

wylan chippies are fries

 

that hot mess

no that’s chips. a chippy means a fish and chips shop

 

resident malewife 

Their chips are fries

 

Corpsewitch

We have fries over here

Fries and chips are different things

Fries are the really thin ones and chips are the really thick ones

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God) 

No.

 

Wyatt van egg 

I’m going to cry

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God) 

They’re all fries.

 

resident malewife 

They’re all fries

 

Corpsewitch

They’re not

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God) 

Chips are flat and crunchy and thin.

 

resident malewife 

You might call thick fries steak fries, but they’re still fries

Or wedges

 

that hot mess

wedges are different from chips

 

knife bi

jesper i am begging you to read the fucking article

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God)

Yes. Because chips are flat and crunchy.

 

Corpsewitch

No?? Crisps are flat and crunchy??

Because they’re literally crisp

 

Wyatt van egg 

THOSE ARE FUCKING CHIPS

 

that hot mess

NO THEY’RE CRISPS

CHIPS ARE SOMETHING DIFFERENT

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God)

Crisps aren’t a thing. They’re not crisp. A green apple is crisp.

 

Corpsewitch

Fries, chips, and potato wedges are all called ‘fries’ in the US which is a sin

 

that hot mess

nina you don’t believe in god why are you calling it a sin

it is a sin tho

 

Wyatt van egg 

THEY ARE ALL FRIES THEY ARE FRIED THEREFORE THEY ARE FRIES

 

that hot mess

THEY’RE NOT

THEY’RE OVEN COOKED

 

knife bi

WHAT THE FUCK

THEY’RE DEEP FRIED???

 

that hot mess

i have made chips from scratch multiple times

 

Wyatt van egg 

YEAH YOU DEEP FRY THEM

 

that hot mess

you cut up your potato and do all the necessary stuff

AND THEN YOU PUT THEM IN THE FUCKING OVEN

 

knife bi

YEAH AND THEN YOU FUCKING FRY THEM

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God) 

You can oven roast them. But they’re still fries.

 

resident malewife 

Why would you oven fries?

 

Corpsewitch

People don’t fry food a lot in the UK

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God) 

Because they want fries without the oil.

 

Wyatt van egg 

There are shoestring fries thick fries and wedge fries. And chips come in a bag filled mostly with air.

 

Corpsewitch

All our fried food is from takeaways or when you’re frying an omelette in a pan

 

resident malewife

That’s… that’s not frying.

That’s cooking an omelette

 

Corpsewitch

IN A FRYING PAN

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God) 

Frying involves being submerged in oil.

 

Corpsewitch

Explain fried eggs then

 

jesper 

hey now don’t scare wylan

 

Wyatt van egg

I’m going to cry

 

Corpsewitch

Why do you want so much fried food?

 

knife bi

CRISPY

BECAUSE IT TASTES GOOD

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God)

Because we’re not afraid of flavor, unlike you.

 

that hot mess

most fried food is mank

 

Wyatt van egg

What the fuck is mank

 

Corpsewitch

It means nasty/gone off

Like if something is gross, you call or “mank” or “manky”

 

that hot mess

anyway back to my original point. i’m craving chippy food right now

 

Wyatt van egg

I just want some chicken

That good beer battered chicken

 

Corpsewitch

Beer???

 

Wyatt van egg

Yes?

 

Corpsewitch

WHY IS THERE BEER INVOLVED

 

resident malewife

It’s the batter you use before frying

Like beer can chicken

 

Corpsewitch

YOU JUST DUMP IT IN NORMAL BATTER AND GET IT DEEP FRIED. ITS THE ONLY TIME FOOD IS DEEP FRIED IN THE UK

IT’S THE SAME BATTER YOU USE FOR PANCAKES AND YORKIES

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God)

You put beer in the batter so the fry is thinner and crispier, like a shell.

 

knife bi

we need to show you both the glory of beer batter. and spices.

 

resident malewife

The US puts alcohol in everything, but it burns off while cooking

And it tastes delicious

 

that hot mess

nina, conserve your strength

eventually they’ll have to learn about pudds

 

Wyatt van egg

Oh we have pudding here

 

Corpsewitch

Puddings are kinds of bread

 

Wyatt van egg

Alright I think that’s my cue to go scream into my pillow

 

resident malewife

Hey that reminds me, why are you in the suite with us? Shouldn’t they put you with Rotty and Specht since you’re a junior?

 

Wyatt van egg

No, I’m with Nina and Inez since I skipped a grade

Inej

 

resident malewife

Why?

 

knife bi

Because Haskell’s a bitch

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God)

Speaking of our favorite dictator, #fuck-dean-haskell

 

knife bi

don’t worry kaz, you’re still our favorite dictator

 

DMs - the better half of suite 308: Today at 2:17 PM

 

Wyatt van egg

Hey, thanks for not making a big deal about Matthias’s question

 

knife bi

of course dude, i’m sorry that haskell was a dick about your housing this year

 

Wyatt van egg

It’s okay, it could be worse

 

Corpsewitch

Still, you don’t deserve that. Is there anything we can do to support you more?

 

Wyatt van egg

Not really? Honestly just hearing you use my name and pronouns is free serotonin, so thank you

 

DMs - knife bi and Corpsewitch: Today at 2:20 PM

 

knife bi

we’re adopting him right

 

Corpsewitch

Yeah I already snuck the papers under your pillow

 

#general: Today at 5:45 PM

 

resident malewife

Hey did I just watch Wylan eat ribs with a knife and fork

 

that hot mess

is that incorrect?

 

Wyatt van egg

I don’t like the bones :( 

 

that hot mess

i was trying to come up with a bone/boner joke and it’s just not happening apparently

 

Corpsewitch

“It’s just not happening apparently” - title of your sex tape

 

that hot mess

i should have never shown you that fucking show

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God)

Alright Wylan, what did you learn from the debate and then dinner today?

 

Wyatt van egg

BBQ is an emotion.

 

DMs - the bi trio: Today at 5:57 PM

 

that hot mess

hhhhrnngg

 

knife bi

thank you jesper, very insightful. anything else you’d like to add?

 

that hot mess

he looks like a fairy

 

Corpsewitch

I mean he is gay

 

that hot mess

he said he was queer, he didn’t say anything about being gay.

 

Corpsewitch

Jesper. My boy. Sunshine of my life. Soul sibling. Future godfather to my children who will teach them important things like how to do the cha cha slide

That boy is a raging homosexual

 

that hot mess

how do you know that though?

 

Corpsewitch

I always know. I have immaculate gaydar.

 

knife bi

also he has an mlm flag next to the trans one above his bed

 

that hot mess

… duly noted

 

#intros: Today at 7:36 PM

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God)

Inej reminded me that we needed to do introductions because some people haven’t memorized both the school directory and everyone’s administrative files. Please comment below your name, pronouns, grade, if you have previous debate experience, and a fun fact.

My name is Kaz Brekker, I use he/him pronouns, I’m a senior this year, and I’ve done four years of debate. My fun fact is that you will never know anything about my personal life.

 

knife bi

i’m Inej Ghafa, i use she/they pronouns, i’m also a senior, and this is my third year of debate. My fun fact is that i competed in the junior olympics for gymnastics once.

 

Corpsewitch

I’m Nina Zenik and I use she/her pronouns. I’m a senior this year. I’ve never done debate club, but I went to debate camp for a few summers. I’m from Ireland!

 

that hot mess

i’m jesper fahey (he/him) and i’m a senior. i’ve never done debate before, but nina says it’s fun. i’m also from ireland and nina was my neighbor growing up.

 

Wyatt van egg

I’m Wylan Van Eck, I use he/him pronouns, and I’m a junior. I’ve never done debate before. My fun fact is that I’m the first chair flute in band.

 

resident malewife

My name is Matthias Helvar. I use he/him pronouns and I’m a senior. I’ve never done debate, but I was in mock trial before it got disbanded last year and it can’t be that different.

Oh, and my fun fact is that I used to be in JROTC.

 

Rotty toe

Hey y’all, I’m Roger Totty but everyone calls me Rotty. He/him, junior, did debate last year. Fun fact: I’m missing a toe.

 

a neat gal 

Hi! I’m Anika Dewitt. I use she/her pronouns, and I’m a sophomore. I was an alternate last year but I’m excited to compete this time! Fun fact: I know where Anya went when she left after winter break last year.

 

spectacles

My name’s Bartholemew Specht but for the love of god please just call me Specht. He/him pronouns but idrc, junior, and a debate veteran of one year. Fun fact: I almost drowned over the summer but then I didn’t

 

periodically gay

My turn I guess? I’m Kuwei, I use he/him pronouns, and I’m a freshman. I’ve never done debate before. My fun fact is that I can list all of the periodic table of elements without singing the song.

 

#general: Today at 8:02 PM

 

Corpsewitch

Are we just going to skip over Rotty’s missing toe or…

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God)

Oh, he lost it on a debate trip last year.

 

that hot mess

excuse me   w h at

 

knife bi

it won’t happen again, don’t worry

 

resident malewife

Specht almost drowned and you’re worried about a toe?

 

Wyatt van egg

To be fair he didn’t actually drown. Rotty actually lost his toe

 

resident malewife

What did I sign up for?

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God)

Hell.

 

that hot mess

@knife bi i am begging you to change your name to something more threatening

avocado juice milker or something

 

Corpsewitch

What?

 

resident malewife

Hey fun fact: you can actually milk any mammal! Whales are milkable, and their milk is slightly alcoholic.

 

that hot mess

why did i beg my dad to send me here

 

Corpsewitch

Because I was going? So you could get a fancy education?

 

that hot mess

yes, and i have since recognized my mistake

these people milk whales nina

for alcohol

 

resident malewife

Not for alcohol, the alcohol is a side bonus if that’s what you’re into.

 

that hot mess

thankfully, i am not

 

avocado juice milker

thank you for the idea jesper, and thank you matthias for that fun trivia

 

resident malewife

You’re welcome

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God) 

Well, in other, debate related conversations, the discussion earlier brings me great hope for the ruthlessness of this team.

 

avocado juice milker

i can’t wait to watch you brutally murder someone kaz

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God) 

I can’t wait to brutally murder someone.

 

that hot mess

you two worry me

 

Kaz Brekker (Your God) 

Good :)