Chapter Text
It was pitch black, no light shone into the room, the entire space was just one dark shadow.
No. This couldn't be right. No. No. No. Remus couldn't be back there again. He didn't want to be there again, he would give anything not to be back there again. It was so dark that Remus couldn't even see his own hand in front of his face, it gave him a weird sensation to not be able to see what was around him, a sensation that he knew all to well, a sensation that was swiftly escalating into panic. They promised not to send him there again! He promised! They all promised!
"Guys, this is a joke right? You are all just waiting to come out and say 'boo' aren't you?" He asked into the blackness, hiding the panic in his voice, he could feel the fear rising inside him, it was swarming inside his stomach like bees, bees that were multiplying at every second. He stood up and began to walk to the door, he could hear something scraping behind him and he didn't realise what it was till he had reached the door. It was only when he heard the soft jangling and felt cold metal on his ankles that he realised that he was bound in chains. "Oh no...not again..." He whimpered. "Please...Not again..." He knocked on the door. "You can let me out now!" He cried. "Let me out!!" His voice was steadily getting louder and louder. "LET ME OUT`!" He roared. "LET ME OUT NOW!" His screams were beginning to resemble that of demonic screeches as tears ran down his face and his fists slammed violently against the door. “Janus!? Please! I will be good! I swear! I will be good! I like to be chained up as much as the next guy! Just not like this! Please!!” Green tentacles grew from his back and began to crash against the door along with his now bleeding fists. Remus screamed and screamed until his throat was raw but still, no one heard him.
Remus woke up with a jolt. He was drenched in sweat, his face pale, dark rings were around his eyes. He clenched his fist and frantically began to gasp for air.
"Roman!" He called, he waited a second, his brother didn't show up. "Roman?!" He called again, usually Roman would come and comfort him, Roman knew that Remus had horrible nightmares and so he was always there to comfort him and promise him that he would never have to be locked away...or at least he used to. The older they became, the less frequently Roman would come to comfort him, they didn't even play together anymore, ever since he started hanging out with his new friends...no...they were both of their new friends, Roman was spending more time with their new friends., he had to remember that.
Remus got up from out of the comfort of his warm bed of nails, he felt the cold tiles against his feet and began to make his way through his messy room and toward his door, as his feet slid across the floor, dust and dirt clinging to the soles of his feet and kicking up into the open air around him as his fingers brushed against the barbed wire and his collection of weaponry and torture devices. He grasped the door handle, his hand still shaking from the nightmare, he took a deep breath and forced himself to stop quaking, he plastered a smile on his face and walked into the corridor.
The lights in the hallway were flashing emerald, Thomas had had yet another nightmare, (the coloured lights flash according to whichever the side was pulling the strings, if Thomas was anxious they’d flash purple, if he was working, depending on what work it was it would either flash red for Roman or dark blue for Logan, sometimes even both and of course, whenever Thomas had a nightmare, Remus was to blame).
The creative side sighed and slowly began to make his way down the corridors. The first room he visited was, of course, Romans, it was right next to his and the door shone red. He peered inside but there was nothing inside the room other than Roman’s unfinished projects, his fan posters and his shiny sword and shield, but no Roman.
“Hey hey, it’s ok.” He heard his brothers voice coming from the purple door on the opposite side of the corridor, he walked over with a skip in his step and, to no surprise, Roman was sat there, gently stroking Virgil’s back comfortingly whilst whispering reassuring comments in the anxious sides ear. Virgil was shaking violently and his eyes were filled with tears.
“Hi, bro bro!” Remus shouted, Roman ignored him. “Ro Ro, my bro bro, I have a great idea that I would love to show show!” Remus giggled but Roman didn’t answer again. He frowned. “I had this really great idea for-” Roman rolled his eyes.
“Remus, I am clearly busy so if you could maybe just leave me to it?” Roman snapped, he didn’t mean to bark but he couldn’t help it, Remus was always doing this, always walking in at the worst times and demanding complete, undivided attention.
“Oh, have you tried-” Remus said, he was about to suggest that Roman get Virgil to theorise on one of Thomas’ favourite shows, that always used to calm him down, before he became a light-side Janus and Remus had concocted an entire list of ways to calm Virgil down, but of course, Roman didn’t want to know.
“Remus! I think the last thing he wants is some disgusting fact about something that’ll just unsettle him more.” Roman snapped, Virgil flinched. Remus frowned.
“But I wasn’t going to suggest-“
“Remus, not now.” Roman said, in a calmer tone as to not distress Virgil more. Remus forced a smile, apologised and walked away.
He stood in the corridor for a moment, wondering who would be free to talk and who's company he would most enjoy. Then it hit him, why doesn't he just go chat with Logan? It was unlikely that Logan would be working on Thomas' nightmares because, as he frequently reminded everyone, he was not a feeling and even better Remus enjoyed the little conversations they would have. Logan knew such interesting facts! And all the little things Remus knew didn't gross out the logical side, they interested him!
"Hi, Logan!" Remus exclaimed, lining up the gory facts he was going to tell Logan in his mind. "Wanna hear about what happens to a chicken when you-" Logan didn't respond, he was slouched over his desk. "Logan?"
"Remus, is it not obvious that I am partaking in a very important project at the moment? I would have thought that you had a shred of common sense that would have told you that I am clearly working." Logan never sounded angry but his monotone words still made Remus feel like he had just been told off.
"Well actually not really. You sometimes just sit at your desk not doing anything because you like staring at your 'pristinely organised workspace'" He said, quoting Logan exactly.
"Of course. I apologise. Unfortunately, as much as you and I might like to, I cannot commute with you right now, I am trying to create an effective sleep schedule for Thomas so that he can get enough sleep to power him through the day and allow him to do a productive amount of work each day rather than him having to take ‘catch-up naps’ every hour.” Logan said. Remus nodded.
“Sorry for bothering you.” Remus apologised.
“That’s alright.” Logan paused and waited, he thought that maybe Remus would just leave him alone, he had made it clear that he was busy and usually the others would have just walked away, but not Remus. “Maybe you could go distract Patton.” Logan suggested, realising that the only way that he would be left alone would be if the creative side had some other thing to do. Remus beamed, he loved it whenever Logan gave him missions, usually Logan gave them to him to stop him getting into trouble but Remus enjoyed them nonetheless.
He bounded to Patton’s room. He didn’t see Patton anywhere, he looked all around the room but he wasn’t there, then he looked down and that’s where he saw Morality sitting on the floor, cross-legged with a book in hand. Remus giggled. How could he not have seen Patton even though he was right there?
“Hi, Patt!” Patton stared down at the book, his eyes scanning across the pages. “Watcha reading?” He asked with a cheery exposition. Patton didn’t answer. “Oh! I actually have a really interesting book! It’s called the-”
“Pardon?” Patton interrupted, peeling his eyes from the pages in front of him, Remus sighed and rolled his eyes.
“I asked what you were reading.” He said.
“Oh, just looking at some old memories, trying to calm Thomas down after the nightmare.” Remus nodded a guilty expression coming over his face.
“We’ll-I-um…where’s Janus?” Patton frowned, he hadn’t heard Janus’ name in weeks, he didn’t think anyone was still looking for him, he had vanished ages ago and no one had seen him since.
“No, I haven’t seen him, not for quite some time.” Remus opened his mouth to talk again but Patton looked back down at the book, it was clear to see that Morality wasn't in the mood for a discussion so, with a heavy sigh, he walked away.
He sat down on his bed and began to sharpen his mace, maybe the others would want to play with him later…he’d just try again later.
*****
Thomas stood with weary eyes and a hunched back in the middle of the living room, his eyes were heavy and they stung with tiredness. He didn’t say a word, in fact, none of them did, all of them were just as exhausted as Thomas…well, all except Remus. The dark green side was a little tired, sure, but not nearly as much as the others, not enough for it to make him act all droopy like the others. Maybe, if he played his cards right, he could trick Thomas into watching a murder documentary with him! The idea made him bounce in excitement.
“So! Does anyone wanna watch a-“ he stopped and looked around the room, everyone looked so pale and warm out, even Virgil was much much paler than he usually was (which Remus didn’t even think was possible), he didn’t want the others to be upset so he decided to take it upon himself to cheer them up, he felt a beam of self-pride inside him, this is what Patton had always taught him to do ‘put others before yourself’. “You know we could always…No wait…Never-mind…oh! But we definitely could-”
“Shut up!” Virgil snapped. Remus seemed unfazed, he just stared at Virgil munching on a bar of deodorant.
“I’m just trying to lighten the mood, Virge.” Remus said, he was about to continue, assuming that once Virgil knew his motives he would let him continue, but that was not the case.
“Remus, we wouldn’t even be in this situation if it wasn’t for you!” He growled. “You kept him up all night!”
“Well actually he-” Logan began, he was going to once again explain that the only reason Thomas’ hadn’t slept was because of Virgil and Patton’s ‘knee-jerk’ reactions, but Virgil was too tired to listen.
“No, Logan! He put those thoughts into Thomas’ head!”
“I was just trying to help.” Remus replied. Virgil’s jaw opened in dumbfounded shock and Roman raised an unbelieving eyebrow at his brother. “It’s true! I wanted to help I just…”
“Just what!? Just too busy making Thomas imagine-” Virgil began.
“Stop!” Patton cried. They all turn to stare over to the moral side who had a hunched back and wary eyes. “Let Remus finish.” He said. Remus nodded and continued.
“I was trying to help, I just…haven’t worked out how yet…I know the theory but it’s the practice that I struggle with…” Remus said, trying to sound like Logan, maybe they would believe him more if he sounded like Logic, Virgil rolled his eyes but said nothing.
“How could you possibly think that those thoughts would help him?” Roman asked, trying to maintain a calm composure but Remus could hear the frustration in his voice.
“I…I…I don’t know…” Remus admitted. “I just thought that-”
“You just thought that it would be fun to torment Thomas.” Virgil finished the sentence and all the sides looked up at him shocked, Thomas however had sat down on his sofa and was trying to get some sleep.
“Virgil!” Roman hissed at him.
“What!? We were all thinking it! I mean look at Thomas! He hasn’t slept in a week!” Remus’ eyes began to well with tears and all of the other looked at him with concern. As soon as he realised that their eyes were on him he forced a smile, but it only made the tears fall faster. A shot of guilt ran through Virgil as he realised how harsh his words had been.
“Remus…I…I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to come off as mean, I just…” Remus nodded.
“I know I know…but you’re right…” he finished.
“No, he isn’t, you-” Patton began.
“No. He is right. I can prove it.” Remus turned over to Logan. “Logan, is lack of sleep unhealthy for Thomas?” He asked.
“Yes, sleep deprivation can cause high blood pressure, diabetes, heart attack, heart failure or a stroke and those are just a few of the more long term side effects. Short term affects can include negative moods, tiredness, worse performance at school or work.” Remus nodded at Logan’s answer.
“So that’s what I’m doing to him?…I’m hurting him…” Remus said, his voice breaking, the others were silent, all except Logan.
“Well that’s not strictly true, it isn’t you yourself it’s Virgil and Patton reacting to you.” Logan pointed out just as he had many times before, but ‘it’s not like anyone ever listened anyway’ he thought.
“But they wouldn’t have anything to react to if I wasn’t around…so…” He paused and tears began to fall down his cheeks. “I’m gonna go to bed. I’m tired, Thomas is tired, I think we could all use a good nap.” He said, he wiped the tears hurriedly from his eyes and grinned, his fangs pointed and his red eyes glistening. “Let’s hope that none of you experience Parasomnia! It would be a dreadful shame if we all woke up with blood on our hands wondering what the hell happened last night!” He laughed, hiding the way his heart was shattering inside him just like his mind had a long time ago.
“Remus I am really sorry…” Virgil apologised again.
“Pff! Don’t worry about it!” He exclaimed before vanishing out of sight. The other sides sunk away not soon after and they all took a nice rest.
*****
Remus stared at the ceiling…his brow furrowed. The words Virgil had said were circling through his head. And then there was a knock on his door.
He sat up and opened the door, his posture hunched.
Roman was standing in his doorway, he looked nervous.
“Hey, Ro Ro! What’s up?!” He asked, straightening his back immediately, his face lighting up, he was ecstatic, maybe he would be able to hang out with Roman like they used to! Maybe Roman missed playing Witches and Dragons with him too! First, they could fight the Dragon Witch and then they could make a whole world together.
But then he registered the anxious frown on Roman's face, his excitable, childlike hope vanished. "You aren't here to play, are you?" Roman shook his head.
"Could you...could you just let Thomas sleep? Just for tonight, please? I don't think Virgil can take another night of sleeplessness, he already seems way too nervous and he is tired constantly." Remus nodded.
"You know I didn't mean to, right?" Remus asked. Roman smiled but said nothing before walking away, leaving Remus alone in the mess that was his room.
*****
Remus handy dared sleep that night. He was worried that if he did he would give Thomas nightmares, he wasn’t sure how else to help. He hasn’t done anything all night other than sharpen and dust his array of weaponry (he had noticed that all his equipment was sparklingly clean, he hated it, so he had crept out into the living room, taken the vacuum cleaner and began to coat his tools in a thick layer of grey dust). In turn, Thomas had had a long, restful sleep, Remus would have been happy if he hadn’t known that the only reason Thomas had slept well was because he hadn’t been around to screw it up.
Outside his door, he could hear muttering, he furrowed his brow and crept out of his room.
The corridor was empty and the lights in the hallway shone pink (pink was Thomas’ colour), but that…couldn’t be right...that usually meant that there was a meeting in place, but they wouldn't be having one without him, would they?
"Why don't we just write them a letter." Patton suggested.
"Yeah, as if anyone even reads letters anymore." Virgil said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
"Well I think that we should-" Roman began, unfolding his arms and preparing to make a a grand gesture.
"Guys?" Roman's fanfare was interrupted by Remus springing up from behind him. "What's going on?" The other sides exchanged a nervous, awkward glance.
"Remus…hi." Roman said with a half smile, concealing his frustration and nervousness at the sudden appearance of his brother . "I didn't think you were awake." He lied.
"Nope, wide awake. I was dusting my mace, see!' He lifted up his spiky death ball, grinning, entirely oblivious to the awkward tension in the room around him, and a cloud of dust leapt off of it. Roman coughed and his lip curled in disgust when he noticed the layer of dirt that the mace had left on his shirt.
"Christ, Rem!" Roman exclaimed, wiping away the grey splodges on his red sash. "Put that away!"
"Ok." Said Remus with a shrug and dropped his weapon, it crashed into the mindspace and Thomas exclaimed in pain. He put a hand on his head.
"Be a bit more careful, Remus!" Thomas exclaimed. Remus giggled.
"Oops!" He laughed. Virgil groaned. "So, what are we talking about today? How can I help?" There was silence."Hello? Am I invisible?" Silence. "If I'm invisible then..." His face lit up. "Imma go punch some kids at the soft play area down the road!" He began to sprint toward the door but Roman grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "Oh...not invisible then...poopy!"
"Remus...I think you should go..." Roman said. Remus blinked.
"What?" Remus was starting at his brother, confused. "Don't you want my help?"
"Listen, Kiddo, I just don't think your help is...the kind of help that Thomas needs...right now." Patton said nervously.
"Oh…Ok. Fine. I see…" He smiled and then began to sink away, the others sides sighed with relief.
Remus felt a sting in heart, a pain that he had felt far too often recently...then something clicked.
All of a sudden Remus was angry, all the cruel comments, all the times he had been ignored, all the times he had been made to sit in his room alone and most of all, the time that they had locked him away like he was just some annoying, bothersome pet, it all just all spilled out in a vigorous waterfall, he may have forgiven them before, but this time it wasn't going to be so easy.
"Actually! Not fine!" Remus leapt back up.
"Remus, seriously, we are trying to-"Virgil began, exasperated.
"Shut up! For once you are going to listen to me! You are not going to push me away and ignore me! You will listen to what I have to say!" The room fell silent.
The first person he turned to was Virgil, who stared at him anxiously. "How can you stand there? How can you stand there and judge me for trying to help? You of all people should know that even though I may be a 'dark side' I still want to help Thomas and you should know that it can be hard sometimes!....” he stopped. “especially for me..." He fell quiet, and Virgil looked down to the floor, ashamed. Remus remembered the split, when he and Roman had become two separate identities, he remembered how confused he had been, he had felt like his brain had been shattered and after a year he had finally caught on, the split had broken his mind and Virgil was one of the only two people who knew that that was the real reason that Remus didn't think like the other sides.
"Remus, you have to-" Virgil began.
"Stop! stop talking!” His embarrassment and sadness was quickly replaced with anger once again. “You left me and Jan all alone! We needed you! You were always there for us and we were always there but when we needed you most you left! When things began to get too difficult you left!” He took a deep breath. “...I am happy for you, I envy you, your friends are so great but not long after you left Jan disappeared and I had no one!" He turned to his brother. "I didn't even have you!" He snarled. Roman gasped, shocked. "I'm your brother! We used to have so much fun together! Then all of a sudden it's like..." Tears were beginning to spill from Remus' eyes now, cutting rivers through the dust on his face. "You acted like I didn't even exist and when you did acknowledge me it always felt like I was just some annoying cockroach crawling into your ear in the middle of the night."
"Remus, come on, I think that-" Virgil tried to cut in again but Remus cut him off.
"But you know what, Bro!?" He spat the word 'bro' like it was poison. "I am just as much creativity as you are but you know what else? I never ever got in your way, I always sat back and let you run the show because I cared about you." A solitary tear dripped down Roman's cheek and he staggered back slightly, shocked and disappointed in himself. “I liked watching you beam and smile because it made me feel…you know what, it doesn’t even matter…” Remus turned to Thomas and Patton. "I'm sorry I got it wrong...I am sorry I couldn't help in the way that you wanted me to, the way you needed me to...but I hope that you know that I did try, I really did, all those nightmares was just me trying to prepare you for the worst case scenarios." There was no anger when he spoke to Thomas and Patton, just guilt and regret. Then finally, he turned to Logan, a thought coming across his mind. "Logan, am I useful to Thomas?"
"You are natural, More than six million people in the United States may experience intrusive thought, you, and many more people experience them but don't report them and-"
"That wasn't the question." Remus said, bluntly. "Am I useful? Do I benefit Thomas?" Logan shook his head, silently. "Then I guess you can just get rid of me, if I am not essential to Thomas' well-being then why have me around, right, Logan?"
"Remus, I don't think that's-" Virgil began. Remus grinded his teeth.
"I told you to SHUT UP!" Remus screamed.
Virgil dropped to the floor, his hand clutched around stomach as blood spilled from his skin, through his jumper and onto his fingers.
Remus gasped and looked down at the dagger in his hand, he had no idea how that had gotten there...how did he...it had just appeared and before he knew what he was doing he had...Remus’ Beaty began to quicken.
"Holy s**t...I am so sorry, I didn't mean to, I-" he wept. “I really didn’t. I really really didn’t. I don’t even know how-”
"Remus what the HELL is wrong with you!" Roman screamed, he didn’t shout of anger, he yelled out of panic and fear for anxious side. He leapt to Virgil's side and pressed against the wounds, blood beginning to stain his white sleeves, he was swiftly followed by all the other sides who had been frozen in shock and disbelief. "Come on, Hot Topic, please be ok, please be ok, please, please." Roman pleaded his tears dropping onto the floor. Remus stared at the scene, stunned and panicked, what had he done!? Why did he do that!? Why!? Why!?
"Roman, move!" Logan yelled, shoving Roman away, he began to examine the injury, he put as much pressure as he could on the wound in order to cease the bleeding and began to shout orders to all the other sides and Thomas, usually Remus wouldn't have any sort of affect on them, but due to the lack of sleep Thomas had been having Virgil was weakened and so it had an immense impact.
Roman leapt over to his brother and growled.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" He screamed."LOOK WHAT YOU DID!?" Remus opened his mouth but it just cam out as a croak. "YOU DISGUSTING, REVOLTING, SKUNK!" Then Roman went quiet and he spoke to him with silent menace. "You took it too far...we can't have you around...I'm sorry...you're...you're dangerous..." Remus' eyes widened.
"Roman?"
"Sorry." Suddenly, Remus felt something sharp crash against his head and he was forced into darkness.