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It's hard to tell right away when Eiji's going to have a bad day. It wasn't because he ran out of antidepressants, he trusted Alex with that knowledge and the teen had been getting him refills when needed. He woke up early today too, around the same time he normally does. He even made breakfast, joked around with Ash before he had to leave.
But when that door closed, there was a small voice that sounded suspiciously like a classmate of his.
Why haven't you died yet?
It makes Eiji flinch. Inside his head is usually a jumbled mess, memories and thoughts in both English and Japanese swirling around and creating thoughtless white noise. And yet somehow this one thought cut through the noise. He ignores it, one bad thought doesn't necessarily mean a bad day. He's had plenty of bad thoughts during good days.
He makes more tea. Tea helped a lot. He thought of the days when he could barely get out of bed, and Ami would ditch class sometimes to run back home and make tea for her "stinky older brother". She made sure he drank it all, even when she left her own cup unattended. It never felt stifling when it was her. He always felt bad about it, but his parents also fought the school for attempting to try and make comments about Ami's absences. It was sweet.
The tea tastes sweet too as he thinks of that memory. It helps, just a little, to have redirected his energy to something so simple. Taking a deep breath, Eiji tries to take a shower. It's partially for himself, and partially because he doesn't want Bones or Kong to worry about his unusual behavior. He makes it quick, aware of how the warmth and hot water could make his mind linger. He focuses on the ocean, on the impromptu road trip he had gone on, and the water on his face after Ash finally gave in and joined him and Shorter in their antics.
He steps out of the shower and manages to dry himself off when another voice cuts through the fog in his mind. It sounds strangely familiar.
You'll be his downfall.
He does his best to ignore it.
He makes it through the afternoon. Bones and Kong are their usual happy and energetic selves. Eiji can barely keep up with them today. At some point they notice, because they tone down significantly and glance at him every so often. He doesn't like the attention, but he appreciates that they calmed down.
The quiet seems to make the voices grow louder. Ones he recognizes and ones he doesn't invade his mind, chanting phrases he's heard all his life.
Useless. You're better off dead. Why are you still here? You're a burden on others.
Why now? The days have been sunny until now. There had barely been a cloud in sight until now.
You'll be a burden on us. Go back to Japan.
Why is it starting to rain?
A gentle hand on his shoulder. Alex. Of course it's Alex, why would it be Ash? Eiji blinks and remembers where he is; he said he wanted a drink and has been standing by the fridge for who knows how long. He gives Alex a tiny smile, the best he can do right now.
"Sorry, I spaced out." he apologizes. Alex gives him a Look. It's different from the concerned glances and worried faces he's used to. This is a Look, something he's only seen from people experiencing something similar, like his grandfather.
"Everything alright?" they ask before adding "I don't think you should have alcohol right now."
"Didn't plan on it." Eiji assures them. He opens the fridge and grabs an unopened bottle of milk, he knows Ash lied when he said he didn't drink from the carton. Damn white boy wasting an entire thing of milk. He laughs to himself as he pours a glass, Ash really knows how to work his way into his head without meaning to.
It's none of your business. I told you not to read the news.
It's a blessing and a curse. When he faces Alex again they still have the Look. For a second Eiji wonders if they've been getting their own meds along with Eiji's.
"I… it's probably not my place to say anything," Alex starts, "but you can only go so far by yourself. Maybe they won't understand it as well as me but we're all here for you. You know that, right?"
It's sweet that they care. Eiji's about to respond and reassure them he's fine when another voice whispers to him. It sounds like himself.
Why are you making them waste energy on you? They're already going through enough, they told you their problems. Why make them take care of you?
It… has a point. Eiji is making a big deal out of nothing. Everything is fine. It's just a few bad thoughts and a small cloud. Nothing he can't handle. If Ash can get through hurricanes then he can survive this. Eiji smiles again.
"I'm fine. No need to worry about me." He takes a sip and watches Alex's face, how they scan him for any sign that he's lying. He sighs and adds "It's just a little rain cloud."
That gets Alex to leave, shoulders slump like they're upset. Great, now he's making other people feel bad. It's a cycle he's seen so often; the people close to him want to help even when it's something they can't help with and get upset when Eiji says nothing can be done. Why can't they trust him to deal with his own issues?
Your attempts to solve your last problem ended with you in the hospital.
A fair point. But he's fine now. He's been doing everything right, following those same instructions repeated on every single website and from every professional he's been to. He's getting better.
Why did he let Ash close the door? God, he's so stupid.
He empties the cup and leaves it in the sink. He sees the relieved faces as he walks in the living room and sits down. Why did it have to be today of all days?
You will be Ash's downfall.
Why does his words mean so much to Eiji? A voice answers for him.
It's because you know he's right.
And it's true.
Eiji lets the day slip away from him. It's only one bad day. It won't mean much in the long run. Everyone's reluctant to leave when the sun begins to set, but Eiji gently pushes them out. When he locks the door and sits down again, it feels like he can breathe again. Now he just has to wait for Ash.
Why would he want to come back to you?
Eiji pretends not to hear. He grabs a pen and paper lying around and sits it on the table. He used to have a journal back home. He wonders if Ami found it hidden behind his manga volumes. He wonders if that's all that will be left of him when he dies, a bunch of pathetic and whiny scribbles about being depressed despite growing up in a stable household with no reason to be sad. At least in New York there will be a slightly more positive but false view of him.
Clutching the pen, he writes. Anything and everything is put into the paper, his jumbled thoughts translated into random English and Japanese words. It feels like his mind is clearer as he writes. He doesn't pause or look back on what he's written. He knows he'll stop if he does. He continues until the sound of the pen begins to bore him. Putting the pen down and flipping the paper over, Eiji lies down on the couch and closes his eyes.
He can eat later with Ash, having an audience might encourage him. For now, he just wants to sleep. Just like normal, he doesn't dream. When he wakes, there's a pillow underneath him and a blanket on top of him. He unconsciously pulls the blanket higher up before remembering he never grabbed one. Sitting up, he pales when he sees the paper is gone. The lights are still on but are dimmed slightly.
Ash is home.
He can almost laugh at the irony. How did he go from wanting Ash to wanting him away so quickly? He can't have Ash worry about him, can't have him worry about something so small and insignificant. It's just a raincloud.
He stretches as he gets up, the couch really isn't the best place to sleep. He brings the blanket with him, clinging to it as he walks down the hall and into their bedroom. Ash is sitting on his bed, lights off except for the lamp on the bedside table and reading a book. The paper Eiji had written on is face down on the table. Oh god, did he read it?
Obviously he read it. You should've thrown it out.
Ash looks up from his book while Eiji panics. He can't lie when the evidence is right on the table. And now Ash is staring at him and he can recognize the Look and he can't have Ash waste energy taking care of him—
"Hey." Ash says softly, closing the book and putting it away. No, no, he can't be so nice to him now. Eiji nods and sits down on his own bed. He has an extra blanket now but he doesn't mind. Instead of changing into pajamas he just gets under the covers, pulling the blankets up and tries to make himself comfortable while Ash continues to stare.
"Eiji…" Ash whispers as he gets up and sits on Eiji's bed. Eiji closes his eyes, pretending to not see him. There's a hand going through his hair. "Eiji, I think we should talk."
He finally sees how much trouble you are. He's going to send you back home. Why did you even come here in the first place?
Eiji defiantly shakes his head. Just tonight, he just wants to pretend that today isn't a bad day. "I don't want to." he mumbles, the covers muffling his voice.
Ash sighs and removes his hand. "Ok. You don't have to talk if you don't want to, but there's some things I want to say. Is that ok?"
It's not, but Eiji knows Ash deserves to speak. He nods, feeling Ash tense up before relaxing. Eiji prepares to hear everything the voices have been telling him.
"Eiji, you've been scaring me lately." Ash admits, and it's not what Eiji expected to hear. He peeks out from under the covers to see Ash staring into the distance, hands on his lap and curled into fists. "I… I make jokes about it but I know lately you've been waking up later than usual. And I know you haven't been eating as much as you usually do and I didn't want to bring it up until you did but then I saw the antidepressants in the cabinet and the note and—" he slows down and takes a deep breath "— I'm worried about you. I feel like you've been trying to hide it from me and I don't want you to feel like you should."
Note? Does he mean the paper? Eiji sits up, making Ash flinch in the process at the sudden movement. "Can I look at it again?"
Ash grabs the paper and hands it to him. Eiji flips it over, scanning the jumbled mess he wrote down. Ash can't read the kanji but the words Eiji wrote in English are… troubling. It's all the things the voices told him, and the words I want to die are written at the top. Eiji didn't even realize he wrote all this, he definitely would've stopped if he knew. A horrible thought plagues his mind. Did Ash think he…?
"I don't want to die." Eiji says, noticing Ash raise an eyebrow at the statement. "I don't." he repeats. I just… it's hard to explain."
"Want to write it down?" Ash offers. "And you don't have to say it now if you don't want to, we can talk in the morning."
"No, I'll just pretend it didn't happen in the morning." Eiji reluctantly admits, turning slightly to face Ash. "I just need a minute to figure out how to say it."
Ash nods and moves closer, getting under the covers and wrapping an arm around Eiji. "Take all the time you need."
Eiji leans into the touch, the tension disappearing once he's near Ash. He sighs and closes his eyes as he tries to figure out how to explain it. Ash is true to his word and gives Eiji all the time he needs, occasionally running a hand through his hair and never letting go. It's nice, it's so nice, he doesn't want Ash to let go. He just wants to stay here forever.
Soon, when Eiji feels calmer, he tries to speak. "I have depression. The meds help but I still have bad days. It's like… It's like good days are sunny and really bright. There might be some clouds here and there but it's still sunny." He glances at Ash to see if he should continue. Ash is nodding along, an understanding look on his face.
"There's bad days, of course. And it's like everything's all gray and rainy and sometimes I can see the sun peeking out but it's always out of reach. And I thought today was going to be a good day because there was just a small rain cloud but then it got bigger and bigger and now there's a thunderstorm and why won't the rain cloud go away?" he sobs, clinging onto Ash as the teen hugs him tightly. "It won't go away." he whispers as Ash gently shushes him and pets his hair.
"It's alright." Ash whispers. "I'm so proud of you."
"I haven't done anything." Eiji mutters, his voice slowly becoming hoarse as he cries. Ash shakes his head.
"I'm proud of you for telling me. I'm proud of you for waking up everyday and doing your best despite the rain clouds. I'm proud of you, Eiji." Ash smiles, ending each statement with a small kiss on Eiji's forehead. "I love you, and I'm always going to be proud of you."
"Sap." Eiji manages to smile. It feels like the rain has lessened and he can faintly see the sun in the distance.
"I want to help you when you have your bad days." Ash tells him. "I don't want you to feel like you have to hide them from me."
Eiji nods, mentally and physically exhibition. He clings to Ash. "Please don't leave. Can you stay just for now?"
His eyes grow tired as he feels himself drift away. The blankets are wrapped around him as he feels Ash kiss him again.
"I'll stay forever." Ash whispers, a promise that makes Eiji feel like everything can be alright. He drifts off to sleep, arms wrapped around Ash as he finally dreams.
When the sunlight peeks through the window and wakes him up, Eiji knows there's still rain clouds. They won't go away that easy; one conversation can't make the voices leave. However, waking up in Ash's arms and being greeted with his smile makes it bearable.
"Good morning." Eiji smiles back, inching closer towards him. He knows Ash has to leave, forever isn't a promise they can keep, so he wants to be as close to him as possible before it happens. However, Ash makes no attempt to get up. He holds Eiji tighter and kisses him again.
"Morning." he answers. "Want to sleep in today?"
That's new. "Don't you have things to do?"
Ash shakes his head. "I told the gang last night that I'd be with you all day. I did say I'd stay by your side."
What did Eiji do to deserve him? If it's even possible, he gets closer to Ash. "Thank you." he mumbles, his face squished against him. He can feel Ash laugh.
The rain clouds won't truly go away, but Eiji can see the sun a little clearer now.