Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

     Phil had always known he was different, but he didn’t know exactly why. He thought that maybe it was because he was an avian. When he was around twelve years old his wings grew in, which scared some of the other children, so for years, he thought that was why he felt so weird. Whenever he looked at himself in the mirror, he always blamed the disgust he felt about his body on his wings. Because that's what it had to be, right? That was why he felt so wrong throughout puberty, that's why he hated everything about how he looked, that's why he hated how his body moved, why he hated his body language. His wings were what he blamed all of his self-hatred on for the ten years before he turned twenty-two, which was the year he started to realize the truth.

     Phil had kept his hair long for most of his life. It was honestly probably the only thing he liked about how he looked. It was shoulder-length, blonde, soft, and was straight, yet still had volume. The little time he spent looking in the mirror was usually because he was fixing his hair. So, when he was twenty-two and one day decided on a whim to cut his hair short, it did not turn out well. He could remember how he had cried once he set the scissors on the bathroom counter. With his hair short he just looked so… wrong. Without his short hair, his sharp jawline was more visible, along with his facial hair. It took away his soft appearance and left him looking sharper, more jagged.

     Phil continued to miss his long hair until it had fully grown out again after a few years. But, even though his hair was long again, he still felt off. He knew something was wrong, that he didn’t look right, but he still couldn’t pinpoint what it was. So, he decided to put these thoughts and feeling aside. Besides, he had a newborn son to take care of.

---

     After making the decision to put those feelings aside for a bit, Phil never really got the chance to come back to them. He thought that he would have more time for himself as Wilbur got older, and would be able to revisit those thoughts, but fate had different ideas. 

     When Phil was thirty-two he met someone special in the nether. He met a young, half piglin boy with long pink hair. Phil assumed the boy was around seven years old, the same age as Wilbur, though he couldn’t be completely sure. When Phil asked the boy how old he was or anything about his parents, nothing came of it. The young piglin would go completely mute when asked any questions about his past, so Phil didn’t push it. Instead, Phil simply brought him home and gave him a warm, loving environment to live in.

     Wilbur quickly warmed up to the piglin boy. The two bonded almost immediately, and Phil took advantage of this. Phil would get Wilbur to ask the child different questions, like what his name was, how old he was, and how he ended up alone in the nether. The piglin would answer most of Wilbur's questions, but there were some that still caused him to shut down. 

     Through Wilbur asking questions, he and Phil found out more about the piglin boy. They learned that his name was Technoblade, which Phil was pretty sure was a name that the kid came up with and named himself. They also learned that Techno didn’t know what age he was or when his birthday was. Upon learning this, Wilbur quickly offered to share his birthday with Techno, saying they could be like twins. Techno accepted this offer, and the two regarded the other as their twin ever since.

     It was clear to Phil that Techno had a lot of issues and trauma, so Phil put his own thoughts and feelings aside once again to help his child.

---

     Taking care of his two sons was harder than Phil expected. Between Techno’s breakdowns and Wilbur’s depression, Phil had no time to himself. Phil thought he was close to his breaking point, that he couldn’t continue pushing his own needs aside for much longer when the next big event of his life happened.

     It was the day after Wilbur and Techno’s eleventh birthday. Phil had been unable to give the twins anything the day before due to a large storm rolling in, which made it impossible for Phil to make it to the market to pick up their gifts. So, the morning after the storm, Phil got on his horse and started on his trip to the market.

     On his way, Phil took the trip as an opportunity to think about himself. He was now thirty-six years old and he felt worse about himself than he ever had before. Luckily he had many things to occupy himself, so he didn’t have to think about how shitty he felt most of the time, but Phil knew this was something he would have to face eventually.

     What was it that made him so uncomfortable with himself? He liked who he was personality-wise, but it was his stupid body that caused most of the problems. Why could he still not look at himself in the mirror after all these years? He thought that was something that would go away with age, but apparently not. He still felt disgusted by his body. His jaw was too defined, his face too scruffy, his shoulders too broad. He almost felt like he looked too… manly? Masculine? Was he too masculine-looking? He thought so, but that wouldn’t make sense because he’s a man so he supposed to look-

     Oh. He’s a guy, and that’s a problem. He was supposed to be a man, right? He was born a man, so he must be one… right? It’s not like he could-

     Phil’s thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a loud noise coming from somewhere off the side of the dirt road. It sounded like crying, or maybe squealing. Whatever it was, it sounded destressing.

     Phil quickly got off of his horse and tried to locate the origin of the sound. He walked forward slowly, holding onto the horse’s reins. The further Phil walked, the louder the sound got. It was definitely crying. It was definitely a baby crying.

     Phil continued to make his way towards the noise, walking through a few puddles that were left from the previous day's storm. That is when he finally saw it. There, on the side of the road, laid a cold, crying, baby boy. 

     Phil quickly ran over to the small child and picked him up. The poor thing was sobbing, shivering, and had mud covering almost every inch of his bare skin. Phil held the baby close for a moment before taking off his cape and wrapping the child in it. He held the boy close again, bouncing and shushing him in an effort to calm him.

     Phil looked around the area for any sign of who this baby was or where he came from. At first, Phil couldn’t find any clues, but when he looked across the road he saw what looked like a piece of paper. When he picked it up and read it, he felt his heart break a bit and his blood boil.

      His name was Tommy.

     Please find a nice place to bury the body and know I am sorry, but it's what I had to do.

     - Mother

     Whoever this person was clearly didn’t expect anyone to find Tommy alive. How could someone do that? How could someone just leave their baby on the side of the road to die? Phil was disgusted. He held Tommy in his arms and cursed the person who wrote that note. Phil hoped Prime would have more mercy than he would on that wretched soul.

     Phil decided to bring Tommy home and raise him as his own, just as he had done Techno. But, this once again put Phil’s self-discovery on hold. At this point, Phil was pretty sure he knew what was different about him and why he felt so uncomfortable with himself, but that was a different problem for a different day. Right now Phil had three sons to take care of, so he could manage to put his own needs aside for their sake.

Chapter Text

     Things had been going pretty good in the Watson household. Of course, there were still problems and difficulties, but they were almost nothing compared to the hell they had been through the year before. Phil was proud of his sons and all of the progress they had made.

     Techno was doing much better mentally compared to the many years before. Yes, he still heard the voices, had sensory issues and had a hard time communicating, but he had learned how to handle those things better now that he was almost an adult. Now when the voices got loud and started saying things that upset Techno, Techno didn’t respond to them like he used to. There were no longer nights where Phil would hear phrases like ‘Shut up’ or ‘I don’t want to hurt anyone’ being screamed from the inside of his piglin son’s room. Instead, Techno would either talk to someone or write down what the voices were saying to him. Both of these methods seemed to work wonders for Techno.

     Techno was also doing better with his sensory issues. Of course, these issues didn’t go away, but Techno knew what to do when he got overstimulated. He knew how to calm himself down before he went non-verbal, which was a huge relief to Phil, who always got scared when his son couldn’t speak.

     Wilbur was also doing well, all things considered. It wasn’t easy being a single, seventeen-year-old father, but Phil was always there to help. Wilbur adored his daughter more than anything. Georgina was like the light guiding him through his life. Phil can still remember the day Wilbur had told him that Sally was pregnant. Wilbur had told Phil that he was going to straighten up his act and get back on the right path for his child.

     And, as it turned out, Wilbur wasn’t lying. Wilbur had been completely clean for eleven months now. There was a long, rough period of withdraws, but Wilbur was strong and got through it. Getting off drugs was not easy, neither was trying to raise a child after his girlfriend ran off one night without warning, but he did it and Phil couldn’t be more proud. 

     Tommy had been going through a rough patch for a little while, but he was getting help. Phil didn’t know how one little, six-year-old boy could hold so much pent-up anger. It all came to a head when Tommy hit one of his fellow classmates. At that point, Phil knew it was time to get Tommy help.

     So, Tommy was put in therapy for anger management for a few months. He was currently on his last month of therapy and was doing much better. Phil was beyond grateful when Tommy’s teacher offered to pay for the therapy when she found out Phil wouldn’t be able to afford it. She was truly a lifesaver, and thanks to her, Tommy was dealing with his anger in more constructive ways.

     Phil wasn’t doing as well as his sons, which he felt guilty for. He had finally found ways to help his children, yet he was still so unhappy. And for what reason? Because he couldn’t bear to be called ‘dad’ anymore? He should just be happy he has children in the first place. It shouldn’t matter that they call him ‘dad’ or ‘Phil’ or ‘ he. ’ He wished he could just go about his day and stop crying, but he couldn’t.

     So, here Phil was sitting alone in his room, sobbing. It had been a long time since he had had a good cry. Longer than he could remember, honestly. And now that all of the kids were out of the house for a few hours, doing their own things, now was the best time to let it all out.

     Phil knew what was wrong with him. He had known for a long time, and now that everything was settling down for the first time in seventeen years, it all came forward. He knew that the reason he couldn’t stand looking in the mirror was because he saw a man looking back at him. He knew that the reason he liked to keep his hair long and wear his loose kimono was because it made him look more feminine. He wasn’t blind, he knew he wasn’t really a man.

     Phil thought about all of this and let out a loud sob. He had pushed all of this aside for so long, and honestly, he wished he still could. He wished he was still so busy that he didn’t have to think about it. He didn’t want to think about how he wished he was a woman. It hurt to think about, yet his mind couldn’t stop racing and his tears wouldn’t stop falling. He continued to cry into the pillow he was holding until he heard a knock on his door.

     “Phil?” a voice asked as the door slowly cracked open. It was Techno.

     Phil quickly tried to gather himself, wiping the tears off of his face with his sleeve and placing the pillow he had been holding to his chest behind him. “Techno, I thought you were going to pick up Tommy,” Phil smiled, trying to appear normal.

     “Uh, yeah I did. I left like an hour ago,” Techno said, his deep, usually monotone voice was laced with… fear? “Um, are you okay?” Techno asked, his face shifting slightly into an expression that confirmed to Phil that Techno was uncomfortable, “Tommy came up here to tell you we were home, but he came back down and told me you were cryin’.”

     Phil felt awful. Techno had never seen Phil cry before, so it had obviously shaken him. “I’m fine, Techno. Don’t worry about me,” Phil said, still trying to play the whole situation off as something unimportant.

     Techno clearly wasn’t buying it. He closed the door and made his way over to the bed, sitting on the edge of it. The fear in Techno’s eyes had shifted into concern as he spoke. “It’s okay to have feelings.”

     Wow. That sentence hit Phil hard. He could remember the many times he had said that to his children, starting when they were very young. He remembered saying it to Wilbur when he was upset by a boy in his class bullying him, when he cried after Phil finally told him what had happened to his mother, when Wil admitted how scared he was to be a father. He said it to Techno when he had his first breakdown in front of Phil, when he sobbed after he had finally built up enough courage and told Phil everything that happened to him in the nether, when he was embarrassed by how his arms would flap when he was excited, when he first started hearing voices that called for blood. He had said it to Tommy when he said that crying meant he wasn’t a ‘big man’ and that he wasn’t as strong as the other boys, when he was angry for seemingly no reason, when he seemed to have stronger emotions than the other children around him. No one had ever said that sentence to Phil until now.

     Tears blurred Phil's vision once again. “I’m sorry,” Phil said, rubbing his eyes, “you shouldn’t have to see me like this.”

     Techno had never been a physically affectionate person, so when he pulled Phil into a hug, the older man was shocked. The hug was awkward at first due to both of the participants being stiff as a board and Phil’s wings being in the way, but when Phil finally relaxed and wrapped his arms around his son, it felt much more natural. The piglin soon relaxed as well, pulling his father in closer. 

     Techno was never one for hugs, but he was also never one for words either, so Phil assumed that Techno felt that the former was the easier way to provide comfort in this situation. The hug lasted for a few minutes, and in those few minutes, Phil felt safer than he ever had before. Not only was Techno huge, around six foot five inches in height, but his presence was also calming. He was a kind, gentle person when the voices weren’t affecting him, which was a side of the piglin that very few people got to see. 

     Phil leaned back, breaking the hug and wiping his eyes once more. “Thank you, Techno. I’m just going through some stuff right now,” Phil spoke softly.

     “Okay,” Techno said in his usual blunt, but never intentionally rude manner. Techno stood from the bed, his long pink hair swaying slightly as he walked towards the door. “I love you, dad,” Techno said, looking back at his father as he opened the door to leave.

     “I love you too, Techno.”

Chapter Text

     It had been almost a week since the day Techno had found Phil crying in his room, and things hadn’t gotten any better for Phil. Every time he was called a masculine term, or name, or pronoun, it stung a little more. Every time someone would say ‘he’ it felt like pressure building up in Phil’s chest little by little, which is why dinner hadn’t gone exactly as planned.

     Everything started out as normal. Phil and Techo had prepared dinner while Wilbur cared for Georgina and Tommy played with his wooden toy sword outside. Dinner wasn’t anything special, just some beef and carrot stew, but when Phil had told Tommy dinner was ready you would have thought Phil had just told him the location of a secret treasure or something by the way he sprinted indoors.

     Dinner was… pleasant. At least, it should have been, but throughout the family’s conversation, Phil was continuously being called things he didn’t want to be called. Nothing bad of course, but when Tommy said the word dad, Phil would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt. Same as when Techno had said ‘he’ in reference to Phil, or when Tommy said ‘him,’ or when Wilbur said ‘dad,’ or when Tommy said ‘he’ again, or when Techno-

     Phil could feel tears building in his eyes. He was not going to cry at the dinner table in front of his children. He could suck it up until Techno had finished eating and Wilbur had finished feeding Georgina. Then he could excuse himself and cry alone in his room, where his children would never know. That was the plan.

     The plan did not work out.

     “Open for the train!” Wilbur said, making train noises while holding a spoon full of broth as he tried desperately to get his daughter to open her mouth.

     The little redheaded girl was not cooperating.

     “Let me try!” Tommy said loudly as he hopped out of his seat eagerly.

     “No way,” Wilbur said, lifting the spoon out of Tommy’s reach, “I’m not letting you make a mess like last time.”

     “Why don’t you let Phil do it?” Techno said, “He’s always been good at that sort of thing.”

      He

     “That’s not fair!” Tommy huffed, “You’ll let him feed her but not me?”

      Him

     “Yeah I will,” Wilbur said chuckling, “So, how about it grandpa? You wanna try?”

      Grandpa

     Phil couldn’t take it anymore. He had tried to not get upset, but he couldn’t do it anymore. His grandchild was going to grow up calling him ‘grandpa.’ He wasn’t sure he could handle the thought of that.

     “Excuse me,” Phil said as he quickly got out of his seat, his voice clearly cracking. He felt tears fall from his face to the floor as he quickly walked to the front door and turned the handle. He stepped out onto the porch and closed the door behind him.

---

     Phil continued to wipe the tears that refused to stop falling as he sat on the steps of the front porch. He felt so stupid. He shouldn’t cry because he was referred to as ‘grandpa’ a few minutes before. As far as anyone else knew, he was a grandpa. It’s not like he had told anyone that he wasn’t a man, so he shouldn’t have gotten so upset over people assuming he was.

     Phil had heard the front door open behind him, but he didn’t try to stop crying. He just needed to let it out, then maybe he would feel better. He wrapped his wings around himself to hide his face when he heard a single pair of footsteps walk towards him. Whoever had come outside to check on him just stood behind him for a good minute, then sat next to him.

     Phil didn’t look over to see which of his sons had sat beside him. The two of them sat in silence, listening to the crickets as Phil continued to quietly cry while his son ran a hand up and down his back in a comforting motion.

     After a few minutes, the younger removed his hand and finally spoke. “Techno told me that he found you crying the other day,” He whispered. It was Wilbur.

     Phil let out a sad chuckle. “I was hoping he wouldn’t tell you about that.”

     “I know. I think that might be a problem.”

     Phil finally looked over at Wilbur, who was wearing a sad expression. Phil felt guilty again. He couldn’t keep his shit together and it had upset his kids on multiple occasions. He was supposed to be the strong one, the mothe- the father who did everything to make sure his kids were okay. “What do you mean?”

     “Listen,” Wilbur sighed, “you might be the parent of the household, but that doesn’t mean your problems don’t matter as much as ours. You’re always there for us to come and talk to, and we’re always there for you as well. You can talk to us about whatever's been going on.” Wilbur gave Phil a reassuring smile. “So, what’s going on? What’s wrong?”

     Phil thought for a moment as he stared out into the night. Should he really tell Wilbur? Wilbur was his kid, and he shouldn’t put that kind of burden on his kid… right? Would it really be a burden? It certainly was a burden on Phil, but that didn’t mean it would be one on Wilbur. Plus, Wilbur may have been Phil’s kid, but that did mean he was a kid. Yes, Wilbur was only seventeen, but he had matured tremendously after Georgina was born. Sometimes Phil didn’t even recognize him with how grown up he was. He was responsible, much better with conflict than he had been in the past, and was a great father. He had started to become less of a son and more of a friend to Phil. Phil could tell his friend what he was going through, right?

     “Just… a lot of feelings I’ve been repressing have started coming back up,” Phil finally spoke.

     “What kind of feelings?”

     “Feelings of…” Phil paused, “I don’t know if I can say it.”

     “That’s okay,” Wilbur placed his hand on Phil’s shoulder, “You don’t have to say what the feelings are if you don’t want to. Do you know why you’ve been repressing them?”

     “Didn’t want to deal with them I guess. Plus, everything going on with you kids is much more important than what I’m going through.”

     “Well, that’s not true,” Wilbur shook his head, “Your problems are just as important as ours. You don’t have to push aside what you’re going through for our sake.”

     Phil simply nodded, taking in what Wilbur had said. Maybe he didn’t have to push his feelings aside anymore.

     “Can I ask what happened during dinner that upset you so much?”

     “Many things honestly,” Phil sighed, “But I think being called ‘grandpa’ was what really got me.”

     “Oh,” Wilbur sounded sad, and there was a long moment of silence before he spoke again, “I’m really sorry, dad. I know I messed up, but I really have been trying to make up for it. I take care of her the best I can and I-”

     “Nope, stop,” Phil was quick to interrupt, “That’s not what I was trying to say. I love Georgie and I am beyond proud of you. I don’t blame you for what happened at all. This isn’t about you, or her, or any of that. It’s about… the word.”

     “The word?” Wilbur asked confused, “Like, the word ‘grandpa’?”

     Phil nodded, feeling a lump return to his throat. “The word grandpa, and dad, and he , and-” Phil cut himself off with a sob and shielded himself with his wings once again.

     “Oh,” Wilbur said, clearly confused. There was a moment of silence. “ Oh ,” this time there was no confusion in his voice, “I see.”

     Phil felt a hand rest at the top of his right wing and push it down gently, revealing his face once again.

     “You don’t feel like a he , do you?” Wilbur asked softly.

     Phil shook his head.

     “Do you feel more like a she ?”

     Phil closed his eyes and nodded his head. The movement was so subtle that he wasn’t sure Wilbur had even seen it. He couldn’t believe he had just admitted to his son that he was a woman. What was he thinking? He should have just kept it to himself. Everything would be better if he-

     Phil felt the same wing Wilbur’s hand had been resting on be pulled away from where it was wrapped around himself. He then felt arms wrap around his torso.

     “I speak for all of us kids when I say that we love you no matter what. No matter who you are, we’ll always love you. Whether you’re our mom or our dad, nothing will change that,” Wilbur said then pulled away and looked into Phil’s tear-filled eyes, “We want you to be happy. And if that means losing a father and gaining a mother, then that is more than alright with us.” Wilbur smiled sweetly as Phil embraced him.

   “Thank you, Wilbur.”

     “Of course, mom.”

Chapter Text

     After his conversation with Wilbur, Phil took some time to think. He didn’t want to come out to his other two sons just yet, seeing as he hadn’t really even had time to come out to himself. Hell, he still referred to himself as a ‘he’ in his own mind.

     Wilbur had been very considerate after Phil came out to him. He stopped referring to Phil ‘dad’ as often as he used to and tried to steer clear of referring to him with pronouns. When Phil had told Wilbur that he didn’t want to tell Techno and Tommy yet, Wilbur was understanding of that decision and respected it. 

     There was one day that Wilbur returned home after going to the library in town and handed Phil a book. “There’s some stuff in here that might help you,” he had said, trying to stay discrete in case one of his siblings heard. The book was titled  Potions: Use in the Medical field  and contained descriptions of what various different blends of mob drops did when brewed together.

     Phil skimmed through the book until he found what he assumed Wilbur had been referring to.  Potions of Permanent Physical Transformations (see temp. phys. trans. on page 641)  was what was written at the top of the page. Phil read through the section and learned about things he had never even thought about. Some of the potions could return mutilated parts of one's body back to their peak physical form, while others could be used in place of cosmetic surgery. 

     But what mainly interested Phil was the sex change potions. The first thing Phil noticed was that there were a lot of them. Most of them only transformed a person's primary, and some secondary, sex characteristics, but there were a few that could completely change how you look into a more masculine or feminine version of yourself. Some were apparently more reliable than others, the more reliable ones being much more expensive.

     Phil sighed. He was a farmer, there was no way he would be able to afford that.

---

     “So,” Wilbur said as he helped Phil clean the kitchen after dinner, “was that potions book of any help?”

     “Well,” Phil said, scrubbing the remnants of rabbit stew out of a bowel, “it certainly was interesting.” Phil shook his head, “But I doubt I would ever be able to afford something like that.”

     Wilbur hummed sadly. “Well, maybe I can find something else. Something less expensive.”

     Phil smiled at his son, patting him on the back. “You don’t have to do that, mate.”

     “I know,” Wilbur smiled back at Phil, “but I want to.”

---

     The next time Wilbur visited the library he returned with two books. The first was about gender affirmation surgeries, which Phil read. Surgery was definitely the cheaper option but was still much more expensive than Phil could afford. He had enough of a hard time keeping a roof over their heads as it was, and he wasn’t about to make it even harder by being selfish.

     The second book was titled  Accepting Yourself: The Struggle of Transgender Individuals . Phil also read this book, and he would be lying if he said that he didn’t cry at a few chapters. One of the chapters that particularly stuck out to Phil was about purposefully misgendering yourself for the sake of other people. It talked about how some trans people continue to try and think of themselves as their assigned gender to avoid making this difficult for other people. This hit close to home for Phil. Even after he knew he was a woman and after he told Wilbur, he still continued to refer to himself as a man. He felt like a hypocrite. He would get so upset by other people calling him a man, yet he still referred to himself as ‘he’ and ‘him’ in his own mind. It was a form of denial, and he knew that. So, Phil decided to make an effort to gender himse- herself correctly. She needed to love and accept herself if she expected other people to do the same.

---

     About two months after she had confessed how she was feeling to Wilbur, Phil decided that it was time to tell her other two sons. Well, tell Techno at least.

     Phil was still a bit apprehensive about telling Tommy. She really did not want to have to try and explain that she was transgender to her six-year-old son. Not that she thought he shouldn’t know or that it would confuse him or something, but because whenever she thought about it, it made her incredibly uncomfortable and she wasn’t exactly sure why. So, she decided she would talk to Techno first, then she would decide how she was going to tell Tommy.

---

     The day Phil decided to tell Techno was a day like pretty much any other. Phil had stayed home and worked on the farm while Techno and Tommy went to school and Wilbur stayed in the house and took care of Georgina. And, if Phil was being honest, she wasn’t very productive that day. She continuously ran through scenarios in her head revolving around how she would tell Techno. She thought through all of her options and by the time Techno got home, Phil had decided on one.

     “Techno, may I speak to you?” Phil asked after Techno had set his book bag on the bench next to the back door.

     “Uh, sure,” Techno said, his eyes open a little wider than usual.

     “Can I come too?” Tommy asked, bouncing up and down like he usually did.

     “Not this time, mate,” Phil ruffled Tommy’s hair, which Tommy returned with a huff and a pout.

     Techno and Phil went to Phil’s room to talk. Phil could feel herself shaking and cursed herself for not being able to get her nerves under control. It wasn’t like Techno was going to react poorly or anything, but Phil still found the idea of telling him scary.

     When the two entered the room Phil closed the door behind them and sat on the bed. “Sit,” she said with a smile, patting the spot next to her on the bed.

     Techno made his way over to the bed with his head slightly lowered and sat down. “Am I in trouble?” The piglin asked quietly, looking at the hardwood floor instead of Phil.

     “No, no,” Phil reassured quickly, “This isn’t about you at all, it’s about me. You’re not in trouble, don’t worry.”

     Techno simply nodded and raised his eyes to look at Phil. He didn’t look his mother in the eye, he never really looked anyone in the eye, but Phil didn’t mind. 

     “I wanted to talk to you about something important,” Phil saw Techno’s eyebrows furrow, “It’s not anything bad, it’s probably a good thing, actually.” 

      Techno nodded again. “Okay,” he said, his voice still laced with concern.

     Phil took in a deep breath. “I’ve been doing a lot of self-discovery lately and thinking about what I could do to make myself happier, and I realized that I needed to stop living my life for everyone else and start doing some things for myself, so…” Phil paused and looked down. She was really about to do this, wasn’t she? “I need to tell you a secret I’ve been keeping for a long time now. You’re only the second person I’m telling, so ya know, it’s kinda scary.”

     “You can tell me,” Techno said with confidence. It was strange. Phil had always been the strong one in situations like these. She was the one who reassured her kids that everything was going to be okay, so it was strange to be on the other end of things. She felt like she was having the conversation that she and Techno had had years ago about everything Techno had been through before he met Phil, except she was on Techno’s side of the conversation this time. It felt nice to have someone else be the strong one for once.

     “I identify as a woman,” Phil finally admitted, “I have for a long time, but I never told anyone until a few months ago when I told Wilbur. I’m sorry that I lied to all of you for so long, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself, let alone anyone else.” Phil felt like a weight had been lifted off of her chest and she could finally breathe again.

     She looked up at Techno who looked like he was in deep thought. Phil was patient and waited for Techno’s response.

     “I don’t think I understand,” Techno said after he had finished thinking it over.

     “Oh,” Phil was surprised. Surely someone had taught her sons about transgender people, right? “What exactly don’t you understand?”

     “What do you mean when you say that you identify as a woman? Aren’t you male?”

     Ouch, that stung a bit. But Phil knew that Techno didn’t mean any harm, he just wanted to understand what she was saying.

     “Well...” Phil said, taking a moment to explain how to best explain everything, “Yes, I was born biologically male, but I don’t feel like a man. When I think about myself I think of myself as a woman, and when I look in the mirror I feel like I should be in a female body, not a male body. Does that make sense?”

     Techno thought a bit more. “Mm, I think so. So, you want to look like a woman?”

     “Yeah. Well, I don’t really know what ‘looking like a woman’ necessarily is, but I wish I was biologically female. And I’d like to be treated as a woman and referred to as a woman.”

     Techno nodded once more. “Okay. How exactly am I supposed to do that?”

     “Well, I’d like it if you started referring to me as ‘mom’ instead of ‘dad.’ And I’m going to be going by she and her instead of he and him.”

     “I can do that,” Techno smiled, “I can tell that this was hard to tell me, so thank you.”

     Phil returned her son’s smile and pulled him into a hug. She didn’t hold on too long, knowing Techno wasn’t one for physical affection.

     “Also, don’t tell Tommy. He doesn’t know yet.”

     “I won't,” Techno responded.

     Phil felt great. Two sons down, one to go.

Chapter Text

     The next few days were extra stressful for Phil. She was still trying to find a way to tell her youngest son that she was actually his mother, not his father. She wasn’t exactly sure why it was so hard for her to do. She loved Tommy just as much as her other sons, but she felt like she couldn’t tell him for some reason. Maybe it was because she was worried that he wouldn’t understand, which wasn’t a concern before, but after Techno’s reaction, she wasn’t so sure. Or maybe it was because she was worried he would accidentally say something hurtful. That was stupid though. Phil was an adult, and she was more than capable of handling a few ignorant comments from a child… right?

     Phil tried not to voice her concern to her other two children, but one night when it was just her and Techno closing up the barn, she let the cat out of the bag.

     “So, um, Wilbur gave me one of your books to read. One about being transgender and all that, I mean,” Techno had said as he led one of their milking cows into her stable for the night.

     “Oh?” Phil responded, trying not to convey how nervous she was by her tone, “What did you think of it?”

     “I-” Techno cut himself off with a sigh, “It was concerning if I’m being honest.”

     Phil felt a pit form in her stomach. She never really thought about the idea of one of her children not accepting her, but she definitely was now. “Oh,” she said, the lump in her throat becoming more and more apparent with each second. 

     “It’s just that the book talked so much about how people like you tend to have a higher mortality rate than other people, and they tend to be more depressed or anxious. And I-,” Techno’s voice cracked and Phil could see tears forming in his eyes, “I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. I don’t want you to experience depression like I have. I don’t want someone to hurt you, or you hurt yourself just because you’re a woman now.”

     “Techno,” Phil said, letting a sad smile come to her face as she reached over the stable wall and placed her hand on her son's arm, “I’ll be okay. All I need is love and acceptance from my family, and you and Wilbur have given me more of that than I could ever ask for.”

     Techno took a deep breath of relief. “I love you, mom. And I’ll always love you no matter what or who you are. Please keep that in mind.”

     “I love you too Techno,” Phil squeezed Techno’s arm in reassurance, “And I will always keep that in mind.”

     Techno nodded and the two went back about their business. Techno put the rest of the cows in their stables while Phil fed them.

     “So,” Techno said as he led the last calf to its stable, “is there anything you are worried about?”

     “Not particularly, no,” Phil chuckled, “My mind has mostly been preoccupied with trying to figure out how I’m going to explain all of this to Tommy.”

     “Have you decided yet?”

     “No. And if I’m being honest, I don’t really want to tell Tommy. Not that I don’t want him to know or anything, I just… I’m not exactly sure if I can build up the courage to tell him.”

     “Hmm,” Techno hummed as his face turned to an expression that showed that he was in deep thought, “Well, me and Wil could tell him if you’d like.”

     Phil paused for a second. You know what? That didn’t sound like too bad of an idea.

---

     “Tech and Wilby told me that you’re a girl.”

     Phil’s breath stopped for a second and her grip on the reigns she had been holding tightened. She had asked Techno and Wilbur to explain the whole transgender thing to Tommy, and it seemed like they got to work quickly. “They did?”

     “Mhm,” Tommy nodded his head and looked at Phil, “Are you really a girl?”

     “Uh,” Phil felt her heart racing, “Yeah I am.”

     “Okay.”

     There was a span of two minutes that was filled with nothing but the sound of the wagon's wheels on the gravel road at the hooves of the steed pulling said wagon. Just as Phil thought the conversation was over, Tommy spoke up once again.

     “They said that you’re our mom now,” Tommy stated. There was no confusion in his voice. He wasn’t asking a question, Phil realized, he was only wanting confirmation.

     “That’s right.”

     Tommy hummed and kicked his feet, which here dangling off the edge of the wagon seat.

     “Did Wilbur and Techno explain everything to you?” Phil asked, hoping the answer was yes.

     Tommy hummed in confirmation.

     “That’s good,” Phil let out the breath she had been holding, “Do you have any questions or anything?”

     “Nope!” Tommy said, looking at some chickens in the opposite direction of where Phil sat.

      Phil felt incredibly relieved. She was glad Techno and Wilbur were willing to explain everything to Tommy. It was a large burden lifted off her shoulders. She was also surprised. Tommy was so casual about it. He didn’t even seem to care that much. It was just a truth that he accepted without question, and Phil was grateful for that. The charming innocence of a child was something Phil would always appreciate.

---

     Things only went uphill for Phil after she had come out to all of her children.

     Wilbur continued to show Phil his support. He made an effort to call her ‘mom’ as much as possible, and Phil loved it. She loved how her sons would call her ‘mom’ and how Wilbur would refer to her as ‘grandma’ when talking to Georgina, who seemed to grow bigger every day (literally).

     Techno kept doing more research on transgender people, and just gender in general. And it seemed the more he learned about it, the more he started defying gender norms. He said that they were stupid and that if he wanted to wear a flowy dress and makeup to his job interview, then he should be able to. And of course, everyone in the family supported him.

     It took a while for Tommy to get used to all the changes. For a few weeks after Wilbur and Techno had sat him down and talked to him, he still called Phil ‘he’ and ‘dad’. But eventually, after hearing his bothers only refer to Phil with feminine terms, he caught on.

     Of course, things weren’t always perfect. Phil could still remember one night in particular where she had broken down in front of her two eldest sons. She sobbed into Wilbur’s shoulder and told him about everything she had been feeling. How, even though she wore makeup and women's clothes, she still looked like a man . She was muscular, her shoulders were too broad, her facial hair never stopped growing, her hips were too slender, her calves too big, her voice too deep, and that wasn’t even the half of it. She could remember how Wilbur had shushed her and tried to reassure her. He had told her that she was pretty and feminine, and perfect. Phil knew it was a lie.

     Two years after that was when Phil received the best gift she could have ever asked for. It was the most perfect birthday she had ever experienced. First off, the whole family went to the carnival that was currently in a town a few miles away, which was incredibly fun. Secondly, her birthday cake was decorated with the words ‘Happy Birthday Pearl’ written in green icing. The first birthday cake with her chosen name written on it. 

     Third, and most importantly, was the gift her sons gave her. She had blown out her candles and everyone had finished their cake. She was just about to head to bed when Wilbur spoke up and stopped her, telling her that she needed to open her gift. Pearl sat back down at the table as Techno left the room then shortly returned with a pink envelope. Pearl looked at her three children suspiciously when she took the envelope from Techno. They all had grins on their face that Pearl could only describe as a mix of excitement and mischievous intent. She opened the envelope slowly.

     Tears started to run down Pearl’s face as soon as she had read the first sentence on the page. Down payment for Potion of Permanent Physical Transformation.

     “A-Are these happy tears?” Wilbur said, the smile on his face looking slightly more like a grimace.

     Pearl nodded aggressively. 

     “Phew, that's a relief. ‘Cause me and Wilbur been working our asses off for a couple a years now to pay for that,” Techno said, jokingly wiping his brow, a smile still on his face.

     Pearl hugged her sons tighter than she ever had before that day. She couldn’t be more grateful for her family. They were kind, generous, understanding, patient, and more than anything Pearl could have ever even dreamed of. She loved them and they loved her. That was all any of them ever needed.