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Hordak quickly aimed his locked and loaded colossal cannon around the sanctum, chuckling to himself. Oh, how Entrapta would marvel at his long and gargantuan gun once he finally gazed upon her on the fields of battle. Her mouth would drop open in awe and wonderment as he demonstrated for her how quickly the hefty howitzer reloaded after each hot streak of power shot from its barrel. But first, he would let her examine his mammoth machinery thoroughly; she may want to explore it with her own hands while breathily asking him questions about how it was formed, and he wouldn’t want to fire it prematurely. Maybe he would instruct her to keep one of her small hands perched upon his behemoth blaster as he finally let loose the pent-up energy within, so she could feel for herself the raw power he wielded.
Ah yes, Hordak could picture it all so vividly, his breathing growing heavier. Entrapta’s hair would coil around his arm after feeling the vibrations of the scientific marvel that he possessed. “Ooohh Lord Hordak,” she would say, her eyes sparkling, “your ferocious firearm is soooo technologically advanced, it’s making me so thirsty for knowledge. I never should have betrayed you. Please take me back, fill me with your technical prowess! I’ll do anything to make it up to you! ”
“I never pegged you as a fellow actor.”
Hordak looked up at the intruder. He hadn’t realized he’d been speaking out loud, doing his best to impersonate Entrapta’s squeaky voice.
“I am not discussing this,” he growled at Double Trouble.
“Oh, don’t worry darling, I’ll save my constructive criticism for another time!” Double Trouble waved their hand dismissively as they approached. “Although I have to admit, I am a bit surprised. While I had heard rumors that this Entrapta character made quite the impression on you, I had no idea that she’d caused such a stir,” the shapeshifter’s eyes traveled down Hordak’s frame as they spoke the last word, causing the warlord to quickly turn to the side.
Hordak’s arm cannon lit up and his eyes flashed dangerously. “Get. Out.”
Double Trouble pouted. “Oh, you’re no fun. I was hoping you could give me a few pointers. I never got to play the part of Princess Entrapta while I was in Bright Moon. It’s such a shame she wasn’t there.”
Hordak’s raised arm immediately went flaccid. He turned back to Double Trouble and softly asked, “What did you say?”
Double Trouble’s face lit up. “The scorpion princess showed up and announced that the Horde's very own little kitten sent Entrapta to Beast Island, and She-Ra ran off to rescue her!” They sounded thrilled to deliver the news. “At first I thought surely big bad Lord Hordaddy would’ve known about that, but your little performance just now has me thinking that you had no idea.”
Hordak stared blankly into the distance, trying to process the information. It couldn’t be true! Not his beautiful little boffin! Surely he would have heard about such a horrific outcome! And yet, he had not seen her once in the months since her betrayal, while he had personally beat up every other princess in battle (he had no qualms about hitting girls).
“Well!” Double Trouble chirped, making their way to the door. “I really should be going, I’m making my rounds to deliver various tidbits of devastating news and I have a long list. Have fun with your weird form of masturbation!”
Hordak breathed heavily for a much different reason than he had earlier. His ears rang and vision blurred. He let out a piercing howl that filled the sanctum, and in a fit of anguish he blindly fired his laser cannon, not caring about what got destroyed in the process. As hot tears began spilling down his cheeks, only two thoughts were in his mind:
- He had to kill Catra
- What the hell is a masturbation?
Catra let out a yell as her body flew backwards and crumpled in a heap on the floor of the sanctum, narrowly dodging the monstrous blast from Hordak’s cannon. She shakily rose to her hands and knees and stared at Hordak with surprise mingled with anger. She wasn’t sure what had happened since she last saw him to incite this sudden attack, but she could still try to smooth things over. “Hordak,” she began, trying to keep her voice level, “whatever you’re doing…”
“I know what you did with my gamer girlfriend, force captain,” Hordak growled at her, still aiming the massive cannon at her body on the floor. He had definitely not built it so large to overcompensate for anything. Not at all.
Ah, fuck. Maybe this wouldn’t smooth over as easily as she’d initially calculated. “Entrapta was a traitor,” Catra tried to sound convincing as she planned her next move, “what else is there to know?”
“I almost got to find out what sex feels like!” Hordak shouted as the mouth of the cannon lit up and began humming with energy again. “On my wiener!”
Shit, Catra thought. Hordak wasn’t buying it. He fired directly at her again, but Catra was miraculously faster and she dodged again.
She fled on all fours out of what remained of the sanctum’s entrance, Hordak following. It couldn’t quite be called a chase, as Hordak just slowly sauntered behind her, looking menacing while continuing to hold his arm with the cannon aloft. She heard the weapon charging up again behind her and a violent swear from Hordak.
“I never got to ask her what the liquid that came out of my penis was! And now I’ll never know!” Hordak’s voice was a roar intermingling with the blast from the cannon as another of Catra’s nine lives had another near fling with death.
Panting hard, Catra rushed into the Black Garnet Chamber, its doorway filled with smoke from the explosion. The rush of adrenaline was making her heart pound and her ears buzz, but Hordak seemed to have lost sight of her for a brief moment. She tried to catch her breath as she searched for the best method of escape, but she could hear Hordak approaching and she quickly darted behind the large runestone.
“Who do you think is going to explain it to me now? Horde Prime??” Hordak spat, slowly entering the room. “Fat chance,” he said bitterly, eyes searching for Catra. “You are the reason I will never find out if a vagina is a type of vegetable.”
Catra let out a malicious laugh from her hiding place behind the Black Garnet. “Oh, because Entrapta would hop up on your old man dick if she were here right now.” Catra laid the sarcastic tone on thick to make sure Hordak picked up on it, he seemed extra stupid today. “You’re lying to yourself now.”
“WHAT IS A DICK-HOP?! ” Hordak screamed at her, firing another shot in her direction.
Catra let out a desperate cry as she scrambled out of the beam’s pathway, aiming for the nearest Chamber exit. To Catra’s mounting horror, Hordak continued screaming wildly uninformed sexual questions into the void as he chased her. Why couldn’t he just disable the keyword blocker on his browser and look this stuff up like a normal person??
“IF STORK BIRDS DELIVER BABIES, THEN WHERE DOES THE PENIS GO??”
The cannon fired, missing her entirely.
“WHICH PART OF A WOMAN IS THE BOOB??”
The cannon fired, aimed nowhere near her.
“DOES A CONDOM START GROWING BASED ON PROXIMITY TO A POTENTIAL MATE??”
Catra was honestly about ready to let the beam hit her at this point just to make the questions stop. If she lived through this, she was going to need an entire handle of booze to make her forget all that she’d heard.
She finally spotted an opening that brought her into the open air, but Hordak fired an almost-properly-aimed blast at just that moment and the impact knocked her off a ledge. Catra fell into a building whose ceiling had been conveniently ripped open and landed on her feet. She ran down a hallway into what she discovered was the foundry. She paused, looking for the best vantage point, but the distant enraged cry of Hordak saying something that vaguely sounded like ‘helicopter dick’ made her jump into action, and she sprinted down a platform between two trenches of liquid metal.
Another blast, closer this time, alerted Catra that Hordak had finally made it inside the foundry.
“I saw her search history once, you know.” Hordak’s voice was gravelly from the screaming. “And she had input ‘what is the right age to teach my lab partner about sex?’ into the internet. I saw it on my data pad and I took a picture of that data pad with my second data pad. I have proof.”
Catra climbed to the top of a casting machine close to what remained of the ceiling. “Why would Entrapta ever want to fuck you? You’re a defect, a mistake!” she shouted down to him.
“You're wrong!" He cried, firing at Catra once more. "I saw what she said on the Google!! She wants the D!!”
Catra yelped and raced out of the path of the beam, clambering down and around the machinery to finally face her former boss head-on. She parkoured down a large cable, landing directly in front of a bewildered Hordak, and punched him square in the face before her feet had touched the ground.
“The only 'D' you're capable of is being 'defective'!” Catra growled, and in one swift move, she roundhouse kicked the arm cannon, shattering it into pieces.
“NOOOO!! ” Hordak let out a bestial cry of rage and sadness. “Not my big boy gun!!”
Hordak adopted a fighting stance, but Catra was determined to put a stop to things before he got the chance to say something else that would inevitably scar her for life. He had very little hand-to-hand combat experience and Catra quickly knocked him backwards several feet. He landed flat on his stomach next to a perilously leaning damaged section of the foundry.
“Now we can finally end this,” Catra sneered, looking down her nose at him. “I didn’t need Entrapta to go through a sex education course for me. I didn’t need Yahoo Answers, or one of Shadow Weaver's pamphlets, and I Don’t. Need. You and your weird sex questions .”
Hordak had scrambled to his feet as she spoke, but Catra pounced at him again, this time going straight for the life support crystal embedded at the throat of his armor.
“Don’t,” he rasped, as Catra stepped back with the crystal in her hand. “That was a gift from my saucy scientist, it’s the last-”
He didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence, as at that exact moment, a heavy piece of machinery fell from above, crushing him.
“Well, that was convenient,” Catra muttered, trying to catch her breath. She turned to go, but behind her Hordak made a strangled sound that sounded like her name. She cautiously spun back to face him.
“Wait.” His voice was so quiet. “I need to…”
Catra moved closer to hear him better. She wasn’t about to grant him a dying wish, but she was totally down to hear him beg.
Hordak managed to lift his head to look at her. “I just need to know one thing,” he wheezed out. “How is prangent formed?”
“Uh… What??”
“Can I get a girl preganté through her clothes?” Hordak swallowed as he clarified his question with effort. “I touched Entrapta’s wrist over her glove once, and I need to know if I'm a father…”
“Oh, Hordak,” Catra said with a sigh, turning and picking her way through the debris and out of the foundry. “You’re going to die a virgin.”