Chapter Text
While cleaning Atsumu's room, Osamu found a notebook hidden in the bottom of his bed. It was a normal notebook but Osamu knew that it was something thaf Atsumu never wanted to show to anyone since right in the front was written "DON'T OPEN IT! BURN IT PLEASE!"
Not minding the warning and his brother's words he opened the notebook and began reading.
....
02/04/2013
-Even before we were born, we were always together, we were born in the same day, we have the same face, height even weight I think. Everything is just the same when it comes to my twin... yet still, it's fuckin' different.-
02/04/2013
-We were always together, in ups and downs, sadness or happiness, even at our best and worst times. We were always at each others side, always supporting each other, always have each others back. But what happened? Why the change? -
12/29/2013
-Volleyball, a sport we both fell in love with, we loved it and played it since young. But it seems that I was the only one that fell too deeply in love.-
01/05/2014
-I'm always the annoying one, you're the likable one. I'm loud and you're calm. I'm a setter and you're a spiker. I'm the unwanted and you're the loved one.-
05/04/2014
-'Samu, it hurts.-
05/08/2014
-I'm always hiding behind, listening to your voices. Listening to the whispers. Listening to the rumours. Listening to all what you ever say. You don't like me, you hate my guts, you hate my attitude, you hate my talent, you hate me.-
06/15/2014
-One time, I heard you with your friends, you said that you hate my obnoxious hair color, you hate my arrogance, you hate that you were always thought to be me but 'Samu, it was always you, when they talk to me, it was always you, they assumed that you were me then will leave me alone once they knew it was me they were talking to. After that, I suggested changing hair colors. Just so to stop the hope blooming in my chest whenever they approached me thinkibg that they like to talk to me.-
09/12/2014
-We're alright, we're okay, everything is fine. But 'Samu, it still hurts, when we talked how they compared us, how they judged us, you always said that they liked you more, how they liked your attitude, your hair color, your everything and how they hated me. 'Samu... I always responded that you're delusional but... I wonder if it is true after all.-
10/23/2014
-Hey 'Samu, I think I've gone crazy. I fell in love with my fuckin' bestfriend. Suna is a truly good friend but 'Samu, I know you like him too. We've liked the same things or person after all.-
11/01/2014
-I confessed 'Samu. Damn, I was rejected, he said that he can only see me as his friend and he likes you. I'm okay with that. After all I think you'll be happy.-
01/05/2015
-You got together with Sunarin. I'm happy for the both of you. I think I'll confess to Kita in graduation. Can't have me falling back right? I fell for him when he comforted me after the heartbreak haha. He really is a good person.-
04/02/2015
-We got together! I'm so freakin' happy!-
05/16/2015
-Sunarin is crying. What the hell did you do 'Samu?-
05/20/2015
-Ahh. I got it. So that's why. Sunarin is fuckin' crying for days. Now he won't cry alone. Damn you. Fuck you.-
06/12/2015
-Suna finally broke up with you but I can't. I can't let go of Kita 'Samu. I can't... Please... Don't take him away from me.-
06/20/2015
-Suna is encouraging me to break up with Kita. But I can't. I love him so much. Maybe much more than Suna-
07/01/2015
-We lost in a match. I think it's my fault. My tosses were off. I keep getting distracted. I'm sorry-
08/14/2015
-I don't think I can do it anymore-
08/15/2015
-'Samu I think I'll die. The cuts in my thighs can't even take away the pain in my heart. It fuckin' hurt. It hurts to see you kiss my boyfriend in my damn room.-
08/16/2015
-Cutting in my thighs isn't really safe. I'll stop cutting in my thighs. It was showing after all, luckily the team believe that it was a cat scratch. Suna doesn't seem to believe though-
09/30/2015
-I can't sleep. I think I'll wake up soon after I fell asleep because of nightmares. I keep dreaming that Kita will break up with me. That you'll leave me be. That you both left me dying-
10/18/2015
-I fucked up. I should've checked before coming in the room. I saw you two fucking in your room. You're so shocked when I entered. Tears just fell automatically then I ran away. Kita will probably break our relationship now won't he?-
10/21/2015
-I stayed with Suna for days. He comforted me. He kept saying that I was a dumb bitch. Pathetic that I can't even leave a toxic relationship. But I just love him so much. Is it wrong to love that much?-
11/05/2015
-We broke up. It feels so fucking heavy yet light. I feel free.-
11/12/2015
-Suna and I were hanging out these days. You also announced your relationship with Kita. He's truly yours now I guess. Suna has moved on and he said that although he hates you he's happy for you-
01/01/2016
-I'm dating Suna. I'm so happy!-
04/02/2016
-Hey 'Samu. Do you hate me so much? Do you fucking want to kill me? Do you want to trample my heart into pieces? 'Samu... Isn't Kita enough?-
05/17/2016
-Suna says that he's sorry. He said that he was drunk. He said that he'll never drink alone with you. He says that he love me but I can see it. 'Samu... Just why is it hard to stay with me? Kita left me for you. Now Suna too?-
06/28/2016
-I cut too deep. Blood keeps on flowing out. I guess it hurts enough to steal away the pain in my heart. It's my first time cutting in my wrist. I wonder if I'll die?-
06/29/2016
-I passed out. It seems that my body is strong. I kept bleeding yet I didn't die. Hahaha I guess it's not my time yet. But I just wonder... Can I trully find my own happiness?-
07/03/2016
-Suna rejected me for you. Kita chose you over me. Now that Suna is my boyfriend you want him back. Once more. I felt it once more. A feeling that felt like your heart was ripped in thousands of pieces. I hate you. Fuck you 'Samu. Why do you keep on stealing everything from me?-
07/05/2016
-I can't sleep. Suna has been giving me cold shoulders thses days. Probably busy with you. You know what 'Samu, I never regretted having you as my twin but this time I felt it. I hate you so much-
07/08/2016
-I can't seem to catch sleep nowadays. I keep on dreaming. You all left me behind. Suna broke up with me earlier. He confessed. He's cheating. I know. I know but it hurts. I can't believe it. He knows the feeling. He knows the pain. But why did he do it. I don't know anymore.-
08/09/2016
-I... Can't do it anymore.-
08/10/2016
-I don't want to live-
08/11/2016
-I wanna die-
08/12/2016
-Goodbye I guess-
08/13/2016
-Cutting didn't work again. 'Samu I hate you but I want you to be happy. Don't hurt anyone anymore. Keep making Suna happy. Kita have Aran now so I guess he's happy. Live happily. Forget this dumb prick. Forget this twin. Forget me and live happily together. I just hope you don't find this notebook ever. Lucky if you burn this. Goodbye to you all. I think I have no space in this world, maybe I just meant to be somewhere else. Goodbye brother. Bye Suna, don't blame yourself alright. I love you. Bye volleyball. Bye world.-
.....
August 14, 2016 at the age of 19 Atsumu was found dead in his room. Both his wrist were cut open, blood still flowing out when found. He's also said to be overdose from sleeping pills. It was reported as suicide.
The funeral went so quick. They cried. Osamu kept on regretting all he did to his brother. Jealousy can kill after all.
After Osamu finished reading all the notes he cried. After a long while he stood up. A letter fell out of the notebook.
Opening the envelop he read the letter
Dear 'Samu,
You're really a jerk aren't you? I said burn it yet you opened it, sucks to be you I guess. Those little notes were not meant to be read by you. It was just a container of my pain. Samu I love you but I just hate you as much. I'm sorry that I have to leave. But I just can't handle it anymore. The pain is unbearable. In can't stand it anymore. I just can't.
Treat Sunarin better okay? Live happy. Don't make him cry anymore. Don't look back, just as our motto says in high school "We don't need memories" forget it all and move on.
I'm sorry that I can't watch you build your own restaurant, I'm sorry that I can't be your best man in your wedding. I'm sorry that I can't fulfill our promises together. I'm sorry that I have to leave you. I'm sorry but Samu, I think I'll be free from pain after this. I'm sorry for being selfish.
You won't see your annoying brother anymore. You won't tolerate my behavior and attitude anymore. You won't be compared to me anymore. You wouldn't be mistaken as me anymore.
Atsumu will disappear from the world. Osamu will be the only Miya known. You'll probably cry for a few days or weeks but you'll move on. You'll forget. And just do that. Forget me. Forget and live happy.
Sincerely,
Atsumu
Osamu cried once again. Muttering I'm sorry over and over again.
Suna entered the room and began questioning him yet received no answers.
Noticing the notebook and letter he read them too.
That day, they both cried until they fell asleep exhausted.
Atsumu just look at them fondly before disappearing im the air muttering a simple bye.