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Tommy knew, rationally, that Dream did some fucked up things. Killing him, for instance. He didn't have to hesitate on that one, he didn't deserve to die - at least, not like that. Killing Ghostbur and reviving Wilbur was also pretty fucked, although Wilbur did like being alive again, not like Tommy did, so maybe that one wasn't as fucked as Tommy wanted it to be.
Sometimes he’s sure everything about exile was fucked, the holes, and the beatings and the explosions- the manipulation - but other times, he's sure that nothing about exile was even slightly wrong, because why would Dream hurt him if it weren't necessary, why would the others let this happen if it wasn't his fault-
Most of the time, though, Tommy was just confused.
It seemed his one night of clarity had been just that - the only reason he remained out of Dream's grasp was because he had Technoblade there to keep him in line - because after everything was said and done, Tommy missed Dream. So much.
So much it hurt, on his bad days. The days Tommy couldn't get out of bed, the days he thought he was back in Logstedshire, and he waited for Dream to show up to mark the start of the day. The days Tommy wouldn't even notice that dream never came, only falling asleep missing him.
He’s so fucking glad no one had come to visit him on a bad day.
It was - is - pathetic. He was able to get past the Wilbur shit just fine, why couldn't he just get over one friend? Why, after everything, did his brain decide to freak out about everything? It wasn't fair, he was healing, he was getting over exile, he was getting better -
And in one moment, one week, one stupid cat later, everything toppled. All of Tommy's hard work was voided as he faded.
And then he was back two months - two days - later, and he was right back where he started,
Dream was his friend, of course he would revive Tommy, no matter how annoying and useless he was.
He should be grateful, really, that Dream gave him this opportunity to live again.
Which is why, after he left the prison, he asked puffy to help him out. She was a therapist, right? Maybe she could help him decide if Dream really was good or not, because god, that little voice in his head screaming that Dream wasn't was annoying.
Puffy reaches out to him faster than he expected, and they set a date for an official appointment.
“I'm so, incredibly proud of you, Tommy.” she cooed, hand gentle on his shoulder, “It's so brave, asking for help.” he didn't quite believe her words, but she had never lied to him before, so he chose to lean into her touch rather than cringing away. He really hoped that Puffy could help him sort out the mess in his head.
So of course, the day of the appointment is a bad day.
He didn't think he was at Logstedshire today, the blankets over him and the lack of wind blowing through the holes of his tent helped a bit, but he was in his weird floaty state again.
Would Dream come back for him today? He hasn't visited Tommy in a while. Has Tommy been bad again? Was this a punishment? He hated these punishments the most - he would do anything to have Dream back, to not be alone, even if it means another beating, please he wanted Dream -
Someone knocked on the door (he never had a door in Logstedshire, where the hell was he?), and Tommy couldn't muster the courage to get up. It wasn't Dream, anyways, he would never knock.
“Tommy? Are you in here?” Who was that? He could barely tell that anyone was talking at all, but he could dimly register the words being spoken through the door - was the person looking for him? Why?
He feels like he’s forgetting something.
Time must have passed without him knowing because the person on the other side sounded almost pleading - it was weird hearing that tone of voice from someone other than him for a change.
“Tommy? Tubbo told me where the spare key is, I'm gonna have to come in if you don't let me know you're alive in there, sweetheart.” this time, he understood the words clearly, but he couldn't gather the energy to do… anything, really.
His body felt like lead, a useless weight taking up space on the bed. He could barely form a response in his mind, let alone say anything out loud. He could move a finger at least, that had to be something, right?
The voice that sounded an awful lot like Dream disagreed.
The door opened, and Tommy could see the sun was almost set. Had he really lied here all day? Fuck, he really was fucking useless, he couldn't do anything right, he couldn't even fucking move- what was wrong with him? He never did this around Dream.
Reason number sixty-nine why he missed Dream, right there.
Nice.
Oh, Puffy’s here, pog, we were supposed to get therapy today.
Fuck.
Puffy was right in front of him, kneeling on the floor to look at his face. She was a little too close for comfort, but it wasn't like Tommy could say anything anyways.
She looked concerned, and worried, which isn't fair. Puffy was so good and caring, she didn't deserve to feel bad like that. Was she worried about him?
No, this had to be a weird pity thing - shit he missed the session they planned didn't he? Dream wouldn't like that, not at all, he always wanted Tommy to be punctual, to never miss one of dreams visits, oh god what is Dream - Puffy, shit he’s really gone isn't he - going to do to him now?
Puffy was saying something, what was she saying, the words were just glossing over him - he needed to pay attention goddamn it, did he want to get punished?
He ignored the part of him that said yes.
“Come on, Toms, I know you're in there. You gotta give me something, sunshine.” Tommy glanced up at puffy before letting his eyes drop to their natural resting spot, and he heard puffy give a sigh of relief.
“There you are, love. Are you here now?” He wished he could respond to her, it was rude to ignore someone asking you a question, but unless he suddenly gained the energy to move more than just one finger, he would have to brace himself for the beating that was sure to come -
His finger twitched, and Puffy's face lit up.
“Okay, we can work with that, thank you so much Tommy, how about-” Puffy spoke slowly and enunciated her words, which Tommy was grateful for, it was so much easier to understand what she was saying like this.
Dream never spoke slow like this.
“- one tap for yes, two taps for no, three for me to rephrase the question for you to answer easier? Does that sound okay, Tommy?” okay, he could answer a few questions, maybe it would prove to Puffy that he didn't mean to miss their therapy, because he was starting to feel very bad about missing it, now.
He taps his finger once.
“Do you know where you are, Tommy?” well, if he wasn't in Logstedshire, and he wasn't at techno’s, he had to be at L’manburg, right? This felt like his dirt shack, but why was he here? Wasn't he exiled? No, of course he isn't exiled, otherwise, how could he have his sessions with puffy?
He tapped once, hesitantly.
“That's good, do you know who I am?”
He didn't need to think about tapping his finger in this one.
“Great, wonderful job, Tommy. Have you been in bed for the past two days?” what? There's no way he was here for two days - he wasn't that stupid, she had to be wrong about - but why would she lie? She had never lied to him before, why would she start now?
“Oh, did you not know its been two days?” one tap
“Does this happen often?” one tap
“Can you get out of this mindset on your own?” two taps - he had to wake up feeling better before he was better.
“I'm going to go in a limb and say you haven't been eating or drinking either” two taps. Puffy hums, but there's no threatening undertones behind it, more like she's thinking really hard. There's sounds of shuffling as Puffy moves away from his line of sight, and he finds himself able to move his eyes more than a fraction to follow her.
She took a cup out of her bag, fiddling around the inside of it to pull out an ice cube, slowly moving her hand to put it in his non-tapping hand.
It was cold, like the snow beside Techno’s, that almost killed him right after he decided to live again-
“Is Dream coming back?” Puffy jumped, obviously not expecting Tommy to talk yet, and neither had he, but he needed to know. If it's been two days, where has his friend been? He doesn't remember being bad, but-
“No, Tommy, don't worry. Dream is never leaving that prison.'' Oh, right. The prison. He shouldn't have forgotten about it, how could he forget the way dream killed him?
The same way he could forget dream was his friend, he supposed.
“Oh.”
Puffy had an odd look on her face - uncertainty and sorrow were an odd mixture, he didn't like her feeling this sad.
He still couldn't fucking move.
“Is it because I was bad? Did I do something - ” now Puffy looked horrified, eyes wide and ears pressed all the way back.
“No, no, sweetheart, you did nothing wrong! I promise, Dream isn't staying away because of you, he's staying away because of us, angel.” Yeah, that made a bit of sense, if Dream was in the prison, of course he couldn't visit Tommy.
Why was his brain all foggy today? He couldn't think straight, he needed to get his act together before puffy got mad at him.
Why was Puffy mad at him?
“I'm sorry I missed the appointment, I didn't mean to.”
“That's okay toms, it's why I came to check up on you, to make sure you were okay! If you want, since you can talk now, we can have our session here?”
Tommy hummed.
“Puffy?”
Silence.
“I think I'm broken.”
A choked gasp left the captain
“I miss him.” He finally found the energy to look up at Puffy, and this time his eyes stayed up, locking the two in eye contact.
Puffy looked- well Tommy could describe how she looked, and he didn't want to either. That expression on her face could be horror or pity, or hatred, and he didn't want the last person on this server to still like him to have that opinion change.
"I miss him so fucking much, every fucking day of my life, Puffy." His eyes began to burn as tears filled them. Not that he was crying, because crying was weak, and was begging for attention, attention Tommy doesn't deserve when Dream already gives so much-
"Tommy? Can I touch you, love?" Was Puffy crying too? Not that he could blame her, it must be pretty hard to watch someone as worthless as-
" Please " what the fuck? He was supposed to say no, he was a big man, the biggest, and he didn't need-
Puffy’s hand reached out to his hair, and-
oh.
The voices went silent for once.
"Tommy, I-" there was a sigh, and Tommy braced himself.
He was a monster, of course, what kind of sick fuck would miss Dream? He hurt so many people on the server, hurt Tubbo, would have killed Tubbo , and he had the audacity to crave his presence? To ache with the loss of his best- his friend?
"I miss him too."
What?
"He is- was, I suppose, my duckling. I raised him, practically, I-
He was a terrible - he -"
Puffy kept cutting herself off, like she was afraid to say… whatever it is that she's saying.
"Dream did. Terrible things. And he deserves everything that came to him, and everything that's coming. And honestly? If I ever see him out of that prison, Sam better be prepared to put me in it, because I will not hesitate to take his final life. But I still miss him. I miss my son."
Her hand never ceased its gentle petting, delicate fingers running through his hair, not shaking in the slightest, unlike her voice.
Maybe Puffy was just as scared of her feelings for Dream as Tommy was.
"You're his parent. It's okay if you miss him."
"And he was the only- he socially isolated you and made you reliant on him to survive. The brain does all kinds of things to protect itself. You ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome?"
Two taps.
"It's when someone taken hostage starts to empathize with their captor, making excuses for them-"
Dream didn't want to do this, Tommy forced his hand by being so damn difficult-
And eventually, find themselves loving their captor, treating them like a good friend."
Dream was his friend, right? Friends never hurt each other on purpose. Or at least not without good reason. Dream had to have a good reason, or else he wouldn't get so mad when he beat-
Two taps.
He wasn't… tricked into loving Dream, he hated Dream(except for the few times he didn't, when he was happy that Dream was there but those didn't count because Dream was a bitch).
It didn't matter, Dream wasn't his friend. He knew that much.
What was he saying? Of course Dream was - is - his friend.
Wasn't he?
“It's okay to miss your abuser. You've been stuck in this situation for so long, that without him you don't know what to do anymore. And with all the chaos that goes on in this server, it makes sense that you miss the rules and structure the abuse provided. Or, maybe you just genuinely miss Dream, and that's okay too. You were in exile for a while, he was your only company. People miss their friends, it's only natural. We are social creatures, after all.”
“So I'm not-” he cut himself off, unable to form his thoughts into words.
Puffy, as always, remained patient, and quiet, tilting her head to let Tommy know she was listening.
“I'm not bad- w-wrong, I'm not wrong for wanting him back?”
Kind, beautiful Puffy shook her head with a sad smile.
“B-but he hurt so many people- he tried to- I’m being selfish and I know that's bad - you can't tell me that it’s-” the tears came back full force and this time Tommy couldn't keep them from falling.
“And if I did? Being selfish isn't inherently bad. Everyone's selfish, and it's not bad when they feel it unless they do something bad because of it. Besides, he’s arguably hurt you the worst out of anyone on this server. You deserve to feel whatever you want about him.”
“But everyone says-”
“Sometimes, feelings are so unique they can only be felt by one person. No one can tell you how you should be feeling, cause only you can feel what you're feeling.”
That made a bit of sense, if he thought about it hard.
“Is it still okay if I'm not missing just Dream? What if I miss… all of it? Exile.”
“I'm not sure I know what you mean by that, but-”
“I miss everything, Puffy. I miss Logstedshire, and my tent, I miss my holes, and needing to make armor so often, I miss being told when I was allowed to eat, and fuck , I sometimes miss the beat- I miss Dream. And every shitty thing he did to me, like telling me what was a hallucination and what wasn't, blowing up my shit, everything.”
Puffy's hand stopped its movements, but Tommy couldn't stop himself from continuing.
“He held me, after real bad lessons, would just lay me down and go through my hair until I fell asleep. He would stay by my side if he was there when I had a nightmare. He gave me a blanket, once, and I was ecstatic because I got a gift. He was my friend, Puffy. I don't know what to do without him. I don't know if I can do anything without him.”
“I- you- Tommy, you are so much stronger than you think. It might seem impossible to move on from this, from exile, and the prison. I believe that you are one of the only people on this server who can heal from this. ”
Puffy believed in him?
“It's okay to not want to do something because it's hard, but we still have to try, right?”
This… was a lot of information to take in at once. His brain had only just cleared the fog out, and now it felt squished with all of his thoughts happening. He almost wished for the fog back, before berating himself. Puffy worked so hard to bring him out of the fog, and he just wanted to slip back into it? Was he trying to be -
Puffy said it was okay to be selfish, though.
Something clicked in his head, and Tommy felt lighter.
They spent the next few moments just like that, Puffy resuming her petting, Tommy relaxing into the touch, absorbing everything he had just been told. He could do this forever, just lay here, safe and warm.
He wouldn’t feel like this tomorrow, but he could let himself relax for today
He trusted Puffy.
“Puffy?”
“Hm?”
“You're really good at this whole ‘therapy’ thing.”
“Hm.”
“Don't tell anyone I said that though. Can’t get caught being soft, bitch.”
“Course not, Toms.”
Later, he would have to get up. He hasn’t eaten anything in two days, and once his body caught on to the fact, he’d be in a world of hurt. Later, he would have to go to Snowchester and apologize for worrying Tubbo, maybe see how Michael's doing.
But, right now, Puffy hasn't moved from her position, and so neither will he.