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"I think you're the only one who really knows me," Arthur whispered into the silence of the night, snuggled closely to Merlin in the large bed. Merlin stayed quiet for a moment, before letting out a sigh and pressing himself closer into Arthur's arms as they laid on their sides facing each other.
"I don't know what it is about you that makes me want to be so open and honest," he continued, holding Merlin close. "It's almost unbelievable how you've been able to walk into my life and just... Take it over. Yet, you did, and I—"
"Arthur," Merlin groaned, his voice muffled by Arthur's chest. Arthur stopped talking, and glanced around at where Merlin had scooted down to press his face into his chest.
He hesitated. "...Yes?"
"Vows are meant to be spoken at the altar," he mumbled, audibly tired, "Not in bed the night before the wedding when your betrothed is trying to sleep."
There was a moment of silence, before Arthur huffed softly. “They aren’t my vows,” he muttered.
“Either way,” Merlin sighed, pulling away just enough to glance up to his face with half-open eyes. “Sleep.”
Arthur bit his lip gently, nodding. Merlin seemed satisfied by this, and buried his face in the king’s chest once more. Arthur waited a few moments, letting the deafening quiet over take the room once more as he held Merlin in his arms. Then, before he could even think to stop himself, he was speaking again.
“I just—we’re getting married tomorrow, like… Bound forever, Pendragon and Pendragon, rings and a crowd, and cheering—married,” he explained, as if Merlin hadn’t already known.
“Okay, so, the word sleep is no longer in your kingly vocabulary, then?” Merlin asked as he pulled away to sit up, next to Arthur. He looked tired, but wide awake now.
Arthur almost felt bad, but then the reminder that they married in the morning replayed in his head again, his stomach churned, and all guilt was gone. Replaced with the dull feeling of anxiety.
Merlin must have noticed the shift, because he let out a soft sigh and pulled Arthur into an upright position. Arthur let a small startled noise at the sudden movement, but let himself be pulled.
“Alright, out with it,” Merlin ordered, facing him as he sat cross legged on the bed. “I’m not getting back to sleep at this point anyway, so, what’s going on?”
Arthur let out a sigh and crossed his legs as he turned to face Merlin, mirroring him. “Merlin,” he began, before shaking his head and looking away.
Merlin stayed quiet. Arthur appreciated his patience, his understanding despite the late hour. It took him a few moments to gather his thoughts. To find a way to coherently explain his nerves. Even when he thought he finally had found the words, all the came out was a breathless,
“We’re getting married tomorrow.”
Merlin stared at him for a moment, before understanding dawned on his face and he let out a sigh. Arthur hoped he understood, because he really didn’t know how to explain. He wasn’t nervous to marry Merlin—he was excited! Thrilled!
Yet, he still had this…anxiety twisting in his gut like a bandit’s blade on a hunt gone wrong.
It was awful, horrible. He didn’t understand it.
“You’re nervous,” Merlin murmured.
Arthur cringed at the words, hating hearing them out loud. It was like admitting vulnerability. Weakness.
It was his wedding. He shouldn’t be nervous.
“Pendragons don’t get nervous,” Arthur denied it despite Merlin’s words being true.
“Right, yet, here we are,” Merlin told him.
A few seconds of silence passed, before Arthur shoulders slumped in defeat and he let out a sigh. “Yet here we are…”
“Are you… having doubts?” Merlin asked softly.
Arthur’s eyes widened, and he quickly shook his head as he reached over and took Merlin’s hands in his own. “No! No, I’m not—I would never. I’m not having doubts, Merlin. I want to marry you.”
Merlin nodded, visibly relaxing a fraction. “So, what’s the problem?”
That was exactly the problem.
“I don’t know,” Arthur sighed loudly. “I don’t know, I just… Can’t sleep. And I guess I’m nervous—not that I know why.”
“Well, there has to be a cause somewhere,” Merlin hummed, tilting his head to the side. “I’m sure we can figure it out. We are getting married tomorrow.”
Arthur held his breath at the words, the reality hitting him once again with the force of a tree falling to the ground in the forest. Married.
“Right, so it’s definitely got to do with the wedding,” Merlin noted at his reaction. “Is it me? You’re marrying me. Merlin. Your court sorcerer. You’re marrying magic. Is that it?”
“No,” Arthur said without hesitation. He needn’t even think about it. He wasn’t nervous about marrying Merlin, and he wasn’t about marrying a sorcerer—marrying magic. It… didn’t bother him at all. He loved Merlin, he loved all of Merlin, and that included his magic.
Sure, it had been rocky between them when he first found out, but then he appointed Merlin Court Sorcerer, and then they began courting, and… Arthur grew to love his magic—to love magic. Merlin showed him the beauty of it, and all the glorious things it could bring. Of course, he was not blind to the bad it could bring, but he would not be blind to the good either.
“No, it’s not that,” Arthur reaffirmed after a few moments of silence. “I love you, and I love your magic, you know that. I’m not nervous about that.”
Merlin smiled faintly at his words before nodding. “Alright, so… You’re going to be married. You’re going to be a husband, is that it? Or is it the wedding itself? The crowd of faces watching as Geoffrey binds us together in marriage?”
Arthur thought for a moment.
It was something. It wasn’t… He was used to crowds.
He was used to crowds.
He wasn’t used to marriage. He was getting married.
Gods. Wasn’t that strange…
“I can’t believe it’s really happening,” he admitted, voice quiet. “We are getting married, Merlin.”
“And we’ve found it,” Merlin sighed.
Arthur groaned slightly, shaking his head. “I’m not nervous about being married, Merlin.”
“Not consciously, maybe.” Merlin shrugged.
“I’m not at all,” Arthur insisted. “It’s just…”
“Just what?”
“New.”
Merlin sighed softly, “it’s okay to be nervous about new things, Arthur. It’s normal.”
“But I’m not nervous about marrying you!” Arthur snapped, before taking a deep breath and sighing, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“I know, but,” Merlin pulled his hands out of Arthur’s and gently climbed onto his lap, cupping his face with his hands. Arthur let out a small startled noise, as his hands moved to rest on Merlin’s hips. “Arthur, you’re not nervous about marrying me, you’re nervous about getting married. About being a husband. About the wedding, maybe even. Think about it, okay? It’s okay to be nervous about getting married, but I want you to be honest with yourself and me. Is that what’s bothering you, or do we really need to keep digging?”
Arthur rubbed his thumbs over Merlin’s hips gently as he thought about it.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to get married, he did.
He just, wasn’t sure if he would make a good husband. He focused on his kingdom so much, he knew he didn’t spend nearly as much time with Merlin as he should—with their occupations, it was difficult to find time alone. Not to mention, he’d never really had much of an example of what a good husband looks like, considering his mother…
Now, they would be married.
Married.
Perhaps he was nervous to be wed. It was such a strange thing, after all. He was finally able to marry for love. After years of fighting with his father, himself, and then his council, he was finally able to marry for love.
And here he was, nervous. Nervous for the day he’d been dreaming of.
“I’m nervous, too.”
Arthur’s eyes widened in surprise at the sudden words.
“And it’s okay to be nervous, it’s a big change in our lives,” Merlin gently brushed his thumbs over Arthur’s cheekbones, still cradling his face in his hands. “We are getting married, Arthur. It’s okay to be nervous about such a new, big change. It’s normal, even. Gods, you should have seen Morgana before her and Gwen’s wedding.”
“Was she a mess?” Arthur asked, perhaps a bit too hopefully, as he relaxed in his lover’s touch.
“If you tell her I told you, she won’t have time to kill you, because I will first,” Merlin threatened, voice sweet as sugar, before he let out a sigh and nodded. “But, yes. She was a nervous wreck. I had to calm her down, and gods, never tell a panicked, stressed high priestess to calm down if you want to keep your head attached to your shoulders.”
Arthur snorted softly at the picture of his sister running around like a headless chicken, before it was replaced with the picture of himself doing the same thing. Right. Perhaps they weren’t so different, after all.
“I want it to be perfect,” Arthur murmured after a moment, “and what if—and if you laugh at me, you’re sleeping in the corridor—what if I’m a…bad husband?”
Merlin frowned softly, before sliding his hands down to Arthur’s neck and resting them there a moment. Then, he slid them back and wrapped his arms around his neck, pulling Arthur into a comforting embrace.
“You will be a wonderful husband, as you are a spectacular king,” he whispered in his ear as he held him.
Arthur held his breath, before slowly wrapping his arms around Merlin’s waist and returning the embrace. “You have too much faith in me, Merlin,” he murmured.
“And you have too little in yourself,” Merlin retorted, tone gentle but scolding.
Arthur huffed out a breath. He wouldn’t admit Merlin was right, but he was.
“You’ve been excellent so far, what makes you think things will suddenly change just because we’ve married?” Merlin questioned, pulling away just enough to press their foreheads together. “The only things that’re going to change are my name, my status, and our label.”
“Are you ready to be a king?” Arthur asked, his voice a whisper.
“Absolutely not. Are you ready to be a husband?”
“I…” Arthur faltered, hesitating. Then, finally he took a deep breath. “I am.”
“Good.”
Merlin leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to Arthur’s lips, his hands playing with the ends of Arthur’s hair behind his neck.
“Now, let’s get some sleep, then,” he whispered as he pulled away. He climbed off Arthur’s lap, wiggling out of his arms, and laid back down on his side of the bed. Then, he took a breath and finished, “because in a few hours we are getting married.”
Arthur watched him get comfortable under the duvet, a small smile tugging at his lips. Sure, nerves still ate at him, but… Merlin said it was normal, and he was already feeling a bit better anyway. He carefully laid down next to Merlin, pulling the duvet over himself as well.
He was still nervous, but it was okay.
He was ready, and he was excited. Now, Merlin was right, though, it was time to rest.
After all, in a few hours they were getting married…