Chapter Text
They avoided each other as much as they could (as much as their hearts would allow, which was… never)
Addison was thankful that they lived in the same State, and worked in the same hospital with practically the same shift, so her dreams were no longer plagued with Meredith and Derek.
Well, not that they would even be plagued by them again (or by Derek to be specific).
Meredith and Derek broke up.
A part of Addison felt guilty about ending a relationship which seemed to be much better than the one she had with Derek, but a part of her was also happy.
She didn’t dare try to think whether she was happy because she could try to make her marriage work with Derek again or because she could… Well, it didn’t matter because she didn’t care about Meredith.
So what if she requested her on her first day to help with the TTTS case? She was merely trying to get to know the woman who screwed her husband.
So what if she was as brilliant as she heard from Burke, Richard, and (surprisingly) Bailey?
She wasn’t proud of her, per se… She was just happy that at least the universe didn’t give her a dumb soulmate.
So what if she defended her from that nosy judgmental patient? Well, she merely told the truth… she was the one who cheated first on her husband… Meredith didn’t know any better (Addison was still mad at Derek for that actually). Meredith didn’t deserve the unfair treatment from the woman (and from her, Addison begrudgingly admitted to herself, but still she would never apologize for it).
So what if she tried to tell Meredith her side, that sometimes people do desperate things to get someone’s attention, that there were two sides of every story? Well, she was merely… she doesn’t know what! But it didn’t matter!
Meredith didn’t matter.
She shouldn’t matter –
But she does. Addison knew the moment she caught sight of her soulmate’s captivating eyes that seemed to drown her that she was a goner.
She knew the moment she decided to stay in Seattle Grace Hospital because the thought of not being able to catch a glimpse of greyish-blue eyes made her feel hollow and cold that she could never go back. Not after everything.
Telling herself that her soulmate, that Meredith , was better off without her was easier said and done when Addison didn’t know Meredith. It was easier to deny the connection when they were thousands of miles away from each other. It was easier to let her go when she didn’t know just how brilliant, kind, beautiful and amazing her soulmate was.
No wonder her husband was head over heels in love with her.
Hell, Addison was too!
Fuck .
She was head over heels in love with Meredith too.
Like how the fuck was that even possible?
It was barely a month since she met her, but –
Who was she kidding?
She might have met Meredith barely a month ago, but she knew who Meredith was, the kind of person she was, since Addison was 11 fucking years old.
Addison watched Meredith grow. She watched her since she was 5 years old, happy and carefree with Uncle Richard (who she should have recognized as soon as she met him during the intern year of her own residency program – but she stupidly didn’t). She watched her go through the lowest points of her life because of her neglectful mother, watched her rebel, watched her sleep her way through Europe with her — with that girl.
She watched her turn her life around, watched her go through stacks and stacks of medicine-related books, journals, articles, papers… she watched her become the surgeon she was today.
So, Addison could lie to herself and to everyone all she wanted, but the truth remained, she loved her soulmate – she was in love with the only person she was meant to love, the only person she wasn’t supposed to love (at least, according to all her years of upbringing).
Meredith felt pathetic.
No, not because she slept with a married man.
A married man she had no idea was married.
A married man who apparently was her soulmate’s husband.
No, not because of that. If anything, that ship had sailed already.
She didn’t realize how superficial her feelings for Derek truly was until she was confronted with the fact that she had to let him go.
Meredith would never rub it on anyone’s face, most especially Derek’s, but letting Derek go was one of the easiest, if not the easiest thing she ever had to do.
So, no, that wasn’t why she felt pathetic.
She felt pathetic because of the other Shepherd.
The She-Shepherd.
The Mrs. Shepherd, Meredith begrudgingly thought.
Meredith spent most of her childhood (and her teenage years) defying the laws of the universe and basically disowning her soulmate.
She didn’t believe in that shit.
The idea of someone chosen by the universe, by whoever higher being, to be her other half, her partner for life, the person she would love until the end of days, the person who would love her no matter how dark and twisty she was…
Well, it just wasn’t possible.
How could anyone love someone like Meredith?
Most importantly, how could Meredith ever love someone… when she never knew what love was in the first place?
She never loved nor was she ever loved by another.
Be it her mother, her father, her classmates, her fuck buddies.
She thought that at least Uncle Richard did, but he left her too. If love was about hurting, then Meredith would be better off without it.
At least that was what she believed before.
Before meeting her soulmate, before meeting Addison…
Before knowing Addison.
Meredith had always known, despite denying so, that her soulmate was brilliant.
Meredith always chose to ignore it and always brushed off questions about dreams, but her subconscious always chose to keep every information about her soulmate to heart.
Like how Addison’s notes on neuroanatomy when she was in med school were always so messy and disorganized as opposed to her other notes on other subjects.
How she always peeled the wrap of her bacon cheeseburger so carefully but so eagerly that Meredith knew it was Addison’s favorite.
How she was basically superwoman when in one college semester, Meredith saw notes on organic chemistry, physics II, multivariable calculus, conversational French, and introduction to the modern European novel, and even saw a tennis racket somewhere in Addison’s room. (Meredith knew then and there that her soulmate was a genius)
How she loved her pet hermit crab (but for some reason, Meredith never saw him again)
Meredith knew many things about Addison, filed information about her in the deepest corner of her mind so that she could pretend that she didn’t care about her soulmate.
The moment she caught sight of Addison’s emerald eyes though, Meredith felt like all the boxes about her soulmate that she carefully took care to keep close burst open.
All information she filed at the deepest corner took front and center.
Meredith, then and there, knew she couldn’t escape it.
Such thought sent shivers down Meredith's spine. To say that she was terrified was an understatement.
If there was one thing she hated most was to feel like she didn’t have any choice, or that a choice was made for her, or that she was stuck with something she didn’t want.
So, she resisted.
Well, the correct way to put it was she tried to resist.
She couldn’t.
When she witnessed just how brilliant of a surgeon Addison was, watching the way her hands seamlessly operate a tiny human being, Meredith was captivated.
She couldn’t get enough of Addison.
When Addison told her that there were 2 sides of the story (with regard to cheating on Derek), Meredith wanted to appease her and tell her that she didn’t have to explain, that she knew.
Because of course Meredith knew.
Once her brain processed the true identity of Derek, there was like a montage of all those times Meredith saw drops of tears on papers, on restaurant menus, on pillowcases, on cell phones with text messages of “Im sorry can’t make it”, on bottle of beers, and on shirts of a blond guy who Meredith was now pretty sure was the guy Addison cheated with, that told her that Addison had been crying, that told her just how miserable Addison was.
So, Meredith understood.
Maybe more so than others even. Maybe more so than Addison thought.
She watched Addison break her heart over something that wasn’t destined to last.
Because as much as Meredith hated the concept of soulmates, it was a law of the universe that she and Addison were the ones who were destined to last.
Not Addison and Derek.
Not Addison and the guy she cheated with.
Not Meredith and Sadie.
Not Meredith and Derek.
Even so, Meredith didn’t have the courage to assert herself to Addison.
Didn’t even think she had the face to tell the woman she was in love with (because God she was in love… so so in love with Addison) that Addisson belonged with her, with the woman who screwed her husband (who Addison might still be in love with, no matter how undeserving he was).
No matter how much Meredith wanted to beg Addison to pick her, to choose her, to love her… she didn’t think she had the right to demand or even beg for it.
Didn’t think she had the right to ruin an 11-year marriage (notwithstanding the fact that it was already ruined before she even came into the picture; notwithstanding that she knew Addison way way longer than 11 years).
That didn’t stop her from seeking out the redhead whenever she needed motivation though.
Didn’t stop her from going out of her way to visit the NICU, where she knew a certain world-class neonatal surgeon would most likely be.
Didn’t stop her heart from fluttering whenever she caught the older woman looking at her.
Didn’t stop her from hoping that the ruler of all that is evil would request Meredith on her service again, like she did on that first day.
Didn’t stop her from uncharacteristically smiling widely the whole day after the redhead suddenly gave her a hot chocolate (Addison liked to call it juju and Meredith was achingly familiar with it, having seen it whenever her soulmate’s day was particularly bad).
So, yes. Meredith was pathetic.
She was pathetically in love with her ex-boyfriend’s wife…
...with her soulmate.
Addison didn’t know what to think about the hospital prom.
Proms didn’t exactly evoke good memories for her. Her high school prom was spent talking about Star Wars (or more like being lectured about Star Wars), which wasn’t particularly invigorating for a high school prom, but like sure . She didn’t have a choice then anyway.
So, with this particular prom… she was skeptic, to say the least.
She and Derek had long since agreed to try to make their marriage work, BUT of course, it didn’t work.
Much as they tried, it just wasn’t meant to be.
Well, Derek tried.
Addison felt guilty about that.
She tried to the very best of her ability to … make it work.
But she just… couldn’t.
Something’s changed within her.
Or more like she finally accepted something that had long been destined to happen.
She knew she couldn’t deny it anymore, couldn’t deprive herself or her soul anymore of what it longed to have for years and years and years.
Derek asked her to dance “for old time’s sake” he said, so she agreed.
While dancing, her eyes accidentally caught on greyish-blue, staring, smoldering straight through her. Meredith was standing near the refreshments, drinking punch (Addison was sure it was spiked).
Addison tightened her hold on Derek’s shoulder, feeling her legs shake at the intensity of the stare.
“You deserve to be happy, Addison.”
Derek said, out of nowhere.
Or maybe not, considering that when Addison looked away from the greyish-blues and to black ones, said black orbs were looking at her already, watching her watching the woman they were both in love with.
“Derek?”
“She loves you…” Derek sighed, looking absolutely defeated yet there was a gleam of acceptance in his eyes that told her he didn't begrudge her for any of it — the cheating, the upheaval of his life at Seattle Grace, or even the inevitable pull between his wife and his ex-girlfriend.
Addison didn’t know what to respond with… because she never expected that of all people to notice –
“The universe doesn’t make mistakes, Addison. You and her, you belong with each other. Don’t fight it. It’s time to fight for what you love, regardless of who says you can’t.” Derek smiled.
Addison’s eyes watered. She felt like a huge block of cement was lifted from her heart. Addison smiled gratefully at Derek.
She returned her gaze on where the woman, her soulmate, her Meredith was not a minute ago, but she only saw the woman’s retreating back.
Derek seemed to notice Meredith exit as well. “Go. Get the girl, Addie.”
Addison hugged Derek tightly and kissed his cheek. “Thank you, Der.”
“Anytime, Addie.”
Addison didn’t waste anymore time and went after the woman her heart beats for.
Meredith hated prom.
She didn’t even attend her high school prom, finding it lame and not just for her.
If not forced by Richard, Meredith would never had come.
She regretted it more when she saw Derek and Addison in the middle of the dance floor, dancing so closely.
Her heart ached in want.
She wanted to be the one dancing with her .
Wanted to be the one holding Addison so close to her, not letting anything pass between them.
Wanted to be the one telling Addison how beautiful she was, how breathtakingly stunning she looked in her red dress.
When Meredith first saw her, she felt her heart stopped. Addison looked so beautiful, so ethereal, more so than she always had.
She itched to walk towards them and grab Addison away from him, but she couldn’t. She wouldn't.
When she caught Addison’s eyes, Meredith wanted to tell her how much she wanted her, wanted to show her how much she worshipped her.
But he got her attention away from her.
Like always.
She stared at them, at her — at her soulmate — for a few more minutes before she took pity on her bruised heart and chose to leave instead.
She went to the nearest exam room, wanting to take a breath and center herself again.
But the door to the exam room opened, and the person her mind was occupied with the past months entered.
“Addison.”
Addison bit her lip, stared at her hard, not saying anything.
They stared at each other – green and blue.
From the way Addison looked, Meredith knew Addison wanted to say or ask something, so she waited patiently and impatiently.
Her heart was beating fast and hard, but it felt alive and hopeful.
Meredith felt hopeful for the first time in her life.
Addison followed her, there must be a good reason for it, right?
“I don’t want to do this anymore.”
Or maybe not.
Meredith’s heart stopped at the words uttered by the other woman. She waited for a few more seconds, desperately hoping that Addison would say something more.
But there was only silence, sans the beating of her own heart. She wondered if Addison could hear it too.
A few more seconds passed before Meredith couldn't help it anymore and asked with all the bravery she didn't possess.
“W-what?” Shaky, yes, but she was still able to respond…somewhat. Small wins, she told herself.
“I don’t want to do this anymore.” Addison repeated, as if saying it once more would make it make sense.
Meredith breathed. “Do what, Addison?”
Meredith held her breath in anticipation and in anxiety and in just every emotion a person might possibly feel at a moment like this.
Not taking her eyes away from Meredith, Addison took a step forward, and another, and another until she finally closed the distance between her and Meredith.
Meredith’s back straightened some more, felt her body stiffened, and her mind running a mile a minute for every possible outcome of this conversation.
Would Addison finally break her heart for good?
Addison tentatively reached for Meredith’s right hand, and squeezed it gently.
“Defy destiny.”
Oh.
Meredith exhaled heavily, releasing all the anxieties, insecurities and burden she felt since the day her mother tried to kill herself in front of her – the day she swore to herself she would never fall in love with her soulmate.
Meredith, with a small smile slowly blossoming on her blushing face, asked. “Yeah?”
Addison smiled warmly at her, her eyes shining and full of understanding.
Of course Addison understood.
She had been there with her since the beginning. If there was anyone in the world who knew Meredith – her experiences, her trauma, her heart – it would be Addison, her soulmate, the woman who made her experience a whole new world everytime she closed her eyes.
The woman who inspired her to go into med school.
The woman who… loved her.
The woman who was fighting for her now.
“Yeah.”
“Be with me?” Addison asked, tilting her head, and still with a warm smile on her face.
“Always.”
Meredith took her chance and closed the gap between them, kissing her soulmate slowly, softly, finally.