Chapter Text
Akira Kurusu did not, as a rule, visit his friends often since the disbanding of the Phantom Thieves of Hearts.
It used to just be out of generalized worry that if they stayed together in a group, they would run into some sort of huge disaster, because they did, every time. But that had been before the dark times.
Before PhantCum Thieves of Whores.
Now he really did mostly dislike his friends. He mostly disliked everyone. Because you couldn’t watch that movie and come out the other end a good person. The most terrible porn every created, inspired by a dark god and wrought on the human world by the stupidest documentarian to ever live, it was a pornographic retelling of the Phantom Thieves exploits. That would have been bad enough, but it was also an endless parade of incest, bestiality, grossly overweight mobsters, several actual deaths, and just really questionable production values. About the nicest thing you could say about it (and Futaba said this often, almost like a mantra) was that since the deaths hadn’t been planned, it wasn’t a snuff film in the most technical sense.
That movie had corroded the bonds of the Phantom Thieves more effectively than any demon of the mindscape or murderous crime lord. The simple truth was that even three months later, they just didn’t feel safe around each other as they once had. It was no longer them against the world. They all secretly suspected Morgana was watching them sleep, or Makoto was trying to adopt them all into her family to incest them, or Yusuke was secretly dead. It was like the movie had overwritten what they knew to be true of each other with a darker, sleazier, poorly-lit version that nobody could fully shake.
It was impossible to look at Ryuji now and not see Shryuji, the incredibly loud champion of the school blowjob team. You could not gaze upon Ann without seeing at least one of the two intensely awful actresses saddled with the title of Shann, one of whom they were pretty sure was just the cleaning lady and who definitely didn’t speak Japanese. You hated these characters, loathed them, and in developing this hate you grew to slightly disdain the innocent real people based on them. Akira knew that Makoto wasn’t an incest fiend. But he looked at her, and he felt like she was, and it was all Shmakoto’s fault.
Everyone still liked Haru roughly the same because they had all kind of suspected she was a secret murderer even before the movie just ran with it.
So it was that Akira lay in his old room above LeBlanc, vaguely wondering if his phone was even turned on. It was not buzzing, but not many people would want to talk to him. The gang still got together sometimes, but it was a quiet, awkward meeting about nothing in particular, because if they talked it made them think about the movie, and then Ann would start biting people. All he wanted was to spend a few months, possibly a few years, totally alone and never thinking of anything or talking to anyone, at which point he felt like he would be able to have friends again.
He rolled over in bed, and closed his eyes, enjoying the fact that he was in an empty void of silence. Maybe later, he would tell his friends that they should think about meeting up in a few weeks to enjoy some paint drying, then they would all say it wasn’t a good idea. The healing was almost palpable.
“ Senpai, we need to talk! ” shrieked a voice that made his stomach fall.
“Sumire. Um, hi,” he said, as the young gymnast ran up the stairs to his room, taking them six at a time. “I’m sorry I haven’t called you, it’s just you were out of town when I came back, and then by the time you got back… things had happened. It’s not that I’m upset with you, I just feel uncomfortable about… the world…”
“Senpai, there’s no time for this! We have a huge problem! The worst problem! Our lives are over! ” she squeaked, her eyes wide with genuine, mortal terror. Akira felt his stomach fall even further along with a surge of shame. Sumire’s life had been, frankly, hideous. If she had needed help and he wasn’t there for her over the worst movie ever made… god, he would never forgive himself.
“Sumire, calm down. Whatever it is, I’m here. I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you earlier, but you can always talk to me. I promise you that I will always be here for you, no matter how painful it is. We’re friends, always.”
Sumire held up a DVD case. He looked at it. He looked real hard, and something cold and metallic scraped along the inside of his skull as his brain attempted to commit seppuku.
“… Why have you brought this thing into my home, demon? ”
Sumire’s jaw dropped at the sheer venom that flooded his tone unbidden. “Senpai…?”
“I… sorry, I just… no. This can’t… no. Dammit. No. Sumire, what is this. Where did you find it. Are there others , and have you watched it ?!”
“What? Senpai, you’re frightening-“
“ Answer the questions!”
“I-I found it when I was phone shopping with dad? There weren’t a lot of copies, but… I saw a few…”
“ Where were you shopping.”
“ Y-Yamada Denki, for the… the Golden Week sale…”
Akira held up his hand to shush her, and dialed Futaba’s number into his cellphone. After a few rings, his pseudo-sister’s mildly squeaky voice came on the line, saying “What are you calling me for? I promise I didn’t do anything to your email or messenger client… that you’d notice… so you don’t need to talk to me during the Suffering Period. And once again, could you please tell Mona to stop leaving dead animals in my slippers? I’m really, really sorry about the you-know-what…”
“Futaba. I don’t want to talk to you. Nobody does. But we have a problem and we need to get right into it this time. Get everyone together in your room.”
“My room?! But there’s cheese on the walls and I didn’t take out the garbage last mon…. week!”
“ Nobody cares about your smelly room, Futaba, ” Akira snapped, casting another gaze at the abomination in Sumire’s hand as the younger girl looked back at him with the air of a panicked rabbit. “We have bigger problems than your junk food wrappers.”
His eyes rebelled against the concept, but he forced them to focus on the cover once again, running along pea-green letters on an orange background, just above a muscular man wearing nothing but a loincloth, a few gallons of oil, and a golden mask shaped way too much like the same thing he had shoved in that too-small loincloth.
PhantCum Thieves of Whores: RoyAnal.
“We have a sequel. ”
“All right. I know that none of us ever wanted to meet like this again,” Akira said, looking over the stone-faced husks that were all that remained of his friends. “But the worst has happened. Whatever else has happened, we need to stand together. Sumire?”
“U-um, senpai? I know I said it was like, ‘the worst situation,’ but I was kind of exaggerating in a panic? I don’t think it’s… quite as bad as you’re making out…”
“No. No, it’s worse,” Akira said. “Show them. They need to understand.”
Coughing lightly, Sumire held up The Thing, and the air in the room chilled by thirty degrees.
“ Hssssssssssssssss… ” Ann said.
“If Shryuji is in it, if he says one effin’ word …” Ryuji growled.
“The characters don’t matter! What matters is-” Makoto said.
“Easy for you to say, you got to be a gorgeous walking slab of sculpted muscle. I was a goat!” Morgana snapped.
“That walking slab of muscle was a dude, Morgana! And obsessed with nailing his own sister! I didn’t have a great time of… no. No. Not getting into this. What matters is, how this movie even exists! I thought we destroyed Mishima’s life so hard he could never possibly make another porn unless he was starring in it. Right, Mishima?”
“Um… guys, I get that you’re not feeling super happy with me, but why am I tied to this chair?” Yuuki Mishima asked from the corner of the room, where he was tied to a chair.
“In case we need to torture you for information, Mishima-kun,” Haru said reassuringly.
“Or just ‘cause,” Ann added.
“Um. Well. I just want you to know that this time, I had nothing to do with this. I swear. First of all, I don’t have any money, and Futaba set it up so that every email I send from any device actually just signs me up on a website that provides conjugal visits to serial killers. It’s… it’s gotten me up some really weird spam…”
“I hope you appreciate that program. I worked hard on it,” Futaba said proudly. “But yeah, I appreciate you guys taking the time to kidnap him, but he’s clean this time. I have tracers on everything he’s ever loved. This man cannot sneeze without me knowing about it, recording it, and using the video to make him a profile on a site for illegal immigrants looking to find free housing.”
“Is that why those Russians moved into my basement?! They won’t leave, and I think they’re smuggling assault rifles!”
“We all need a home, Mishima-kun,” Haru said, patting him on the shoulder. “But if not him, who? I have made very sure that everyone associated with… ugh… ‘DumCumster Productions’ was prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. That company has been destroyed and everyone employed by it will never see the light of day again, I promise you. And I can’t imagine anyone else would willingly produce ‘PhantCum Thieves of Whores.’ It is literally the second-worst selling pornographic film in the history of Japan, I ran the numbers.”
“…. … … I’m going to regret this, but what’s the worst?” Akira asked, after a few moments of silence.
“Oh, oh, I know this one! It’s actually kinda famous in porn circles. The worst-selling porn in all Japan was a small arthouse film, ‘Censored Missionary Sex Between Virgins and Sex Dolls.’ Only one copy was ever bought by the public,” Futaba said eagerly. “You can borrow it if you want.”
“None of us would ever want that, Futaba,” Yusuke said coolly. “And of course, if it was not Mishima and it was not Futaba, we must ask ourselves of this supposed sequel: who would want to make a movie like this? There is no profit in it, and assuming it’s anything like the first one, we can assume it was not made for any love of artistry.”
“Maybe there’s some clues in the film. Sumire, have you watched it? On a scale of one to ten, how much did it make you want to burn the world?” Makoto asked.
“Um. Um. Um. I’m… a bit scared. Of how you’re all acting. I know I’ve been out of town for a few months on tours, but… what have you all been doing? Are you okay . Should I get a therapist? I don’t know any therapists that didn’t turn out to be villains, but I hear you can… can Google that?” Sumire said.
“Okay, it’s like this,” Akira said. “You know how there was a big part of our adventure that you didn’t get to see? We fought a god and stuff? We almost all died and the world was nearly turned into a blood-stained horror of bone and darkness, where humanity was under the total control of an embodiment of complacency and destruction of free will?”
“R-right?”
“Well, a few months after that, we watched a porn detailing all that, and it was worse than the actual experience. So we’re… we’re all a little off. It wasn’t a good five hours.”
“God, that was a long movie…” Haru murmured. “Someone check the running time on this one before we watch it, please? I want to be sure we shouldn’t get dinner first.”
“Haru, we are not watching it!” Ann protested. “How could you even suggest that?!”
“I don’t want to. But Futaba has been sitting in front of a computer for the last ten minutes while we’ve been talking, and nobody was paying attention to her. Everyone: get out your phones and try to check your email? Bet you a thousand yen that all our passwords have been changed again,” Haru said.
Nobody even bothered to reach for their phones. Most of them just made a kind of low, sad, bone-rattling groaning like an animal that had been wounded, except Sumire, who just blinked and said, “Actually, my phone hasn’t probably synced up to my e-mail for the last few years, so I can’t really… what is that sound? Are you making that sound…?”
Futaba grinned. “In case you were wondering, the running time on this one is only three hours. So, hey, who has a TV we can use? And Haru, since you just won a thousand yen from everyone, maybe you can pay for dinner.”
“Okay, Sumire, before we start, we need to clear some things up,” Akira said as Futaba set up the DVD player on a TV they could afford to destroy, the rest of them putting chairs in a semi-circle around it and locking Mishima in a closet. “You’re kind of the baby sister of the group, ever since we realized Futaba is an amoral gremlin that none of us can ever trust or love again. So we want to protect you. If you want to leave, you can.”
“I really do, because you’re all scaring me? But at the same time I’m also morbidly curious,” Sumire said.
“Yeah, that’ll pass,” Ryuji muttered.
“Just be aware that if you choose to remain, you can expect to be exposed to bestiality, incest, non-consensual relationships, relationships that everyone says are non-consensual but everyone seems really into it, tentacles, cannibalism, and probably at least one person will actually die on screen,” Makoto said.
“Also, the sets are incredibly poorly designed,” Yusuke said.
“Also that.”
Sumire nodded, her face going a little pale, but her eyes sparking with determination. “I’m part of this team too, senpai. I know I came in a little late and sort of out of nowhere…”
“Actually, you meshed in pretty well! Everyone seems to like you, way better than that mean poet girl,” Futaba said, before coughing lightly and looking back to her set-up as though nothing had happened.
“… Right. Well, my point is, I can’t leave if you all need support. I’m here for you guys, just like you were here for me.”
“Yeah, that’ll pass too,” Ryuji muttered.
“Well, let’s try to look on the bright side,” Haru said. “It’s a different production company, so they probably didn’t get back the same cast. Maybe it’s just real porn stars this time.”
“ Be! Hold! Our theft of this! Sexual casino! Is running! Into troubles! From! Line!” said a voice from the screen that was just slightly too loud, seemed to be reading off a cue card and doing it wrong , and definitely had only the most vague idea what punctuation was.
Akira’s eye twitched involuntarily. “Or maybe they went out of their way to get back as much of the original cast as they could, because this is a personal attack on us, because of course it is.”
“Let’s try to look on the bright side,” Haru said again, her tone slightly more brittle. “Maybe Shakira got some acting lessons or learned how to read between movies.”
“You know he didn’t.”
“… Well, you know, he came back to film again after getting shot, so you know he’s determined, at least…”
“Senpai, you got shot?! When did you get shot?!” Sumire shrieked.
“It was a whole thing, don’t worry about it. Shakira actually got shot way worse than me, it wasn’t all in someone else’s head.”
“… Wait, Shakira?” Sumire asked, her tone clearly indicating she was trying to not giggle.
“Yeah, enjoy the laugh on that one. Not much will be funny later. Three, two…”
“ HEY, SHAKIRA! IT’S SUPER COOL HOW YOU’RE ESCAPING THIS CASINO!” Shryuji’s voice exploded out of the screen, fifteen decibels louder than any other sound from the film. “ THE REST OF US MYSTERIOUS FIGURES WILL ALSO BE ESCAPING, AFTER I STOP TO GIVE SOME OF THESE DUDES A BLOWJOB!”
“Ooooh, we’re starting in media res. This is going for a more artsy approach than the original, I see,” Futaba said.
“Please don’t use the word ‘art’ or ‘artsy’,” Yusuke said, as the screen definitely did not show Shakira escaping with style, and did show him crawling down a greasy hallway with ‘Casino’ written on the wall. He was moving with pretty good pace, though, because he was nude and so able to just kind of slide.
“How did they get these people to work on a second film? Did they not remember two of them died ?” Makoto asked, her tone already deeply sad.
“I… why is he naked and sliding down…?” Sumire asked.
Ann patted her on the shoulder. “You’ll learn to stop asking question quickly, young one.”
“ Gasp!” Shakira said. “ Though I have! Sexually infiltrated the! Exit! I am surrounded! By monsters! If only we had brought Shfutaba to notice monsters for us, but! She drowned in the sex pool!”
For the first time in the running time of the movie, Futaba’s smile vanished. Without a word, she took out her phone and began typing something. Nobody asked what it was, because they wanted plausible deniability.
“Those monsters look like naked people,” Sumire said. “They also don’t look happy to be here. And that one seems to be… a little unwashed…”
“They’re hoboes,” Ryuji said flatly. “They’re literal homeless people that they found in an alley and paid to come in here and bone their actors.”
“ Ryuji!” Morgana hissed.
“What? We all know it. We know what we’re heading into. We know what is coming here.”
“Of course we know! This movie probably has a budget of one stale pizza and an IOU from a scammer, but you shouldn’t be so blunt about it! Sumire still has her innocence, and… I mean… we shouldn’t just rip off the band-aid like that.”
“Honestly, it’s already better produced than the first one. They changed the camera angle at one point, which tells me that they at least have more than one camera,” Yusuke said.
“As bad as the terrible sex was, it was somehow worse watching it all from the exact same angle for five hours,” Haru agreed sadly. “As bad as the terrible sex was, it was somehow worse watching it all from the exact same angle for five hours,” Haru agreed sadly. “So you know, maybe this movie will be just bad instead of the worst thing.”
“ Senpai! I’m sorry I couldn’t help you sooner, but I needed to find my enchanted stripper pole!” said a new female voice that had not been part of the original line up providing commentary on Shakira’s original escape sequence.
“………….. Or not,” Haru said, inching away from Sumire.
“What. What. What.” Sumire said, as the screen… happened at her.
“Oh, oh no,” Makoto said.
“Guys, make sure she can’t get her shoes off. This isn’t a cheap TV,” Futaba snapped.
The person that appeared on the screen, apparently filling the role of Shsumire (or at this point, Shkasumi) was not an unattractive woman. Indeed, she looked far more healthy and high-class than the usual actor in a PhantCum Thieves of Whores movie. Yes, she was wearing nothing but a completely transparent mesh leotard that not only did not hide one detail of her body, but made them more visible somehow. She was still tall, fit, lovely, with vibrant red hair and an athletic frame, and under normal circumstances watching her in a porn would have been a very pleasant experience.
Until you noticed she had two heads.
Not two real heads, of course. That would have been insane. No, she had the severed head of what was clearly a sex doll on her shoulder, its plastic mouth open and ready to receive whatever a person might want to shove into it in the privacy of their own bedroom and/or sex dungeon. And as she spun quite gracefully around her enchanted(?) stripper pole, it said, in the voice of a much older woman who’d had a few too many cigarettes over the years, “ And I’m here too, senpai! That’s right, the stars of the school stripping team, the sex-twins Shkasumi and Shsumire have arrived to save you!”
Sumire’s eye began to twitch. It began to twitch so hard that it looked like her face was going to fall off.
“Oh. Oh, wow, that is… that is worse than I thought it was gonna be…” Ann said, awkwardly patting Sumire on the shoulder, and then pulling back when the girl made a kind of low growling sound at the contact.
“I wonder if the school stripping team is friendly with the school blowjob team?” Haru asked.
“… Haru, seriously?”
“I’m trying to be positive for her! Looking for the good points!”
“You know what we’re watching! There aren’t any good points!” Akira snapped.
“Well, I think this is an inspired way to tactfully display her unique personal issues in the medium of pornography,” Futaba offered. “I really think her character is interesting.”
“Conjoined sex-twins are sensitive to you? ” Sumire whispered. It wasn’t the kind of whisper that was meant to be reassuring or unheard. It was the kind of whisper that a serial killer might whisper into the ear of her victim before driving the knife home.
“For this series? Actually yes,” Haru said, patting her on the shoulder. “I was a dominatrix serial killer who ate my father.”
“………………….. That shouldn’t make me feel better, but it does, a little.”
“Get used to that. Small victories are all you’ll ever be getting in life again,” Ann said.
“I wish I was dead,” Makoto agreed.
“You know, Joker, this might actually be good in the long run. I feel like Sumire had kind of a gulf between her and the group. This could be a good team building exercise,” Morgana said cheerfully, curling up next to Akira’s foot.
“You may be right. She definitely will be closer to the rest of us after this shared trauma. Are you planning an escape route from the room in case she goes for someone’s throat?” Akira asked, softly.
“Please, I have three ready. I remember how scary the other girls got.”
“… Can these three escape routes be used by someone who isn’t a cat?”
“Well, that depends on how many times we have sushi this week, doesn’t it?”
“You’re my best worst friend.”
“ Shsumire! And Shkasumi! The most sexual twins that have ever! Been! I’m glad you showed up because! You have always been my friends! And part of the! Gang!”
“Yes, we have!” Shsumire said. “ Just like you’ve always had a grappling hook!”
“ And ever since the tragic accident that required my brain be transplated onto Shsumire’s body, we now have two heads to give oral sex to twice as many people at once!” Shkasumi added.
“I’M SO EFFIN’ JEALOUS!” Shryuji screamed from somewhere presumably far away. His voice really carried, so it was hard to be sure.
“Oh, good, he’s jealous of my dead sister’s head being grafted to my shoulder like a sexy Frankenstein ,” Sumire said.
Yusuke smiled. “Actually, Frankenstein was the doctor, not the…”
“Kitagawa-kun, everyone thinks being told that is incredibly annoying even when they aren’t on the verge of snapping and killing the nearest person. Please avoid bringing it up,” Haru said.
Sumire sighed. “Don’t worry, senpai. I can’t get angry at him right now. I feel like if I show any emotion at all right now, I’ll start screaming and won’t be able to stop.”
“Oh, oh, when you start to hiss in blood-rage, try to think about snapping bone between your fingers. It really calmed me down,” Ann said.
“… Hiss in blood rage?”
“ Join me, senpai, and together we will defeat these sex monsters by giving them orgasms of mind-changing!”
“Come, sex monsters! Though I am dead, I can still make you feel alive .”
“…. Hsssssssssssssssssss…” Sumire said, in blood rage.
“What are they doing to that mannequin head?” Haru asked.
“Why do you ask questions to which you don’t really want to know the answer?” Makoto asked sadly. “And that’s not a mannequin, it’s a blow-up d-”
“I know what it is, Mako-chan, I was using a word that’s less awful to say. ”
“What is so awful about the word ‘statue’?” Yusuke wondered. “Unless it is Michelangelo’s Night, of course, but for all his talent he was quite poor at capturing the female form.”
“Kitagawa-kun, for once in your life, please read the damn room.”
“But there are no books in here.”
“Who would make this, senpai?” Sumire asked, watching as raunchy hoboes had their way with her poorly-devised televised double, a problem she had undoubtedly never expected to have. “This is in terrible taste even if your loved one isn’t the person being posthumously desecrated. Who would watch this? Who would pay to watch this? Oh God, I paid for a copy of this. Am I going to Hell? Is it a sin to give money to these people?”
Akira patted her on the shoulder warmly. “Maybe. But Futaba will be there too, so you can use her as a shield against the demons.”
Futaba sniffed. “Y’all are a bunch of prudes. This isn’t the avant garde masterpiece the first volume was, but it’s still one of the technically finest examples I’ve ever seen of a two-headed sex doll gangbang.”
“Don’t ask her for details,” Akira advised. “She definitely has a collection of those she’s comparing this to.”
“You get me so well, buddy.”
“ Run, senpai!” Shsumire said, once her mouth was briefly not full, as one sex-monster slid under her to start doing something that wasn’t really sex, but kind of resembled it. It was starting to become apparent these people were not ‘trained,’ per se, and possibly also not ‘sober,’ because he began kind of grinding on her foot. “ We shall hold off these horrid beasts, even if we have to ride each and every one of them until they pass out from exhaustion! I would do anything to protect you, my greatest friend!”
“ Truly, mysterious girl! You are! The finest companion I will ever have! I look forward to when! You can be truly introduced!” Shakira declared.
“Didn’t she introduce herself like, five minutes ago?” Ann asked.
“And even if she didn’t, we definitely knew her by this point. I wasn’t around for all of it, but I was there when she got her Persona,” Morgana added.
“Guys. What have we discussed about lookin’ for logic in these movies?” Ryuji asked.
“Touché.”
On the screen, Shakira made a comparatively graceful leap out the window of the sex casino, landing in a pool of something slightly too thick to be water, in which floated a number of dildoes that looked way too large for someone to actually use on a human’s orifices. Everyone except Futaba and Yusuke instinctively winced, because they knew, knew , that each and every one of them was going to be used, probably soon, and likely not in a way that the manufacturer had intended.
(Futaba did not wince because she had actively sought out worse, and Yusuke didn’t wince because he had no instincts.)
“ What is this?! A pool of! Lube and dildoes! But this is a sexual trap, for a sexual! Thief! Who could have betrayed me so!”
“You will never know, sexual thief Shakira! It is time for you to be sodomized into submission by the sexual police!” said a half-dozen men who looked a lot like the exact same people he had just run from wearing different hats, leaping into the pool and grabbing at dildoes like they were swords (and in fairness, some of them were large enough).
“ Gasp!” Shakira said. “ The sexual police! A corrupt group that uses sex as a weapon! The exact opposite of the noble sexual thieves! But if I am being Zordonmized by you! That will leave me trapped and! Serve as a framing device for the story!”
“ Oooh, advanced storytelling? Flashbacks and a framing device tying the plot together externally? Maybe this movie will turn out to be the artsy philosophical followup to the original’s daring sleeper hit? I might be getting into this!” Futaba squealed. “See, you guys? We’re finally having fun again!”
“’Zordonmized’?” Sumire asked.
“Someone want to give her a basic run down while I kill Futaba?” Akira asked, cracking his knuckles.
“One: we can’t kill Futaba yet. All our therapists schedule by e-mail these days, and we super need therapists,” Ann said. “Two: Sumire, get used to the idea that Shakira hasn’t read the script and doesn’t know how to pronounce words that he has actually heard other people say.”
“But if he hasn’t read the script, how can he…” Sumire began, before stopping at the sight of something on the screen, and tilting her head to one side. “Okay, he definitely should not be able to fit three of those up there at once.”
Makoto nodded solemnly. “Say what you will about the guy, he’s got determination.”
The scene shifted, then, to Shakira nude in the hands of the Sex Police, being interrogated. The interrogation was also anal sex, which was helpful because they didn’t have to get the dildo out of there as Shsae walked in. “ This had better be important, sex police! I was planning to have a long, incestuous romp with my brother this evening!” she declared, taking off her jacket to reveal precisely zero shirt underneath it. It was for the best, a shirt might have made it harder to see her crotchless panties.
“ Haha… though I have! Been capture! D! By the sex police! I maintain my rebel spi! R! It!”
“Wait, is that supposed to be Nakajima-san? Did she say her brother ?” Sumire asked, looking at Makoto.
“Please don’t ask questions, Sumire.”
“And why does he keep splitting up individual words? That wasn’t even splitting it up by syllables, he just…”
“ Please don’t ask questions, Sumire.”
“ Well well, I see we’ve got the leader of the sexual thieves! He’s nearly as handsome and virile as my brother,” Shsae purred, slapping her palm with a riding crop that had a really unfortunately shaped handle. “ I suppose I have little choice but to sexually dominate him until he confesses all his crimes. Leave us, sex police! Only a prosecutor has the power to sexually face down such a criminal.”
“We! Ll! It’s nice to meet! You! Sexual prosecutor! I know! Your bro! Ther!”
“You know my brother?!”
“… OR DO I?!” Shakira declared. The soundtrack went ‘dum dum dum.’
“Gasp! You begin already to play your hideous mind games! But I will not be lured aside until I punish you for your sex crimes!”
“In fairness, I am pretty sure he is guilty of at least some sex crimes,” Haru said. “But I’m not sure the movie is defining them the same way a real person would.
“That might be for the best,” Morgana said. “We don’t want this garbage to get too ‘normal’ and become mainstream.”
Haru shuddered. “Touché.”
“ But now, I shall defeat you in the most devious way imaginable. As everyone knows, teenagers value their sexual liberation above all else, which is why adults seek only to destroy it at every turn.”
“Yes, that! Is true!”
“Well, foolish Shakira, you will tell me all you know about the activities of the sexual thieves, and every time you refuse to talk, you will get no sex for an hour. ”
“GASP! I am being! Oppressed!”
“That is true! I, an adult, am oppressing you!”
“Cur! Ses!”
“Now, whilst I whip your pert buttocks, tell me all you know! Reveal the secrets of the sexual thieves!”
“I have… no choice! If I deny her, she will refuse me the sexual! Freedom of the young! Curses! Very well, my story began…”
And then it happened.
The film quality suddenly dropped, shifting from a reasonably-priced camera to looking like it was being filmed on someone’s camera phone from the late 90’s. An entirely different set of opening titles began to roll over footage of a large, well-muscled man screaming “Japan! Japaaaaaaan!” as he had sex with a young woman that she kept claiming was involuntary, right before she took some action to ensure he wouldn’t stop. Akira’s blood ran cold.
“Futaba. Explain,” Akira snapped.
“Is this…” Ann asked.
“No, no no noooo…” Ryuji said.
“I.. I don’t…” Futaba said.
“ Explain, Futaba!” Morgana hissed.
“Guys? Guys, are you okay…?” Sumire asked, noting the tone of the room suddenly getting about 1000% darker.
“You said it was three hours, Futaba! You said three! ” Haru snarled.
“ You are! Assaulting that! Woman!” Shakira shouted as he dramatically entered the scene. “ I! Will save! … … … Line!”
“FUTABA! EXPLAIN! ” Makoto roared.
Futaba grabbed up the DVD case again, desperately poring over it for some hint before her friends skinned her. “I swear I don’t know! It says here, three hours of new foota…….. oh shit.”
“Futaba. Are you saying,” Akira began softly, before his voice suddenly raised to bone-shaking volume as he finished, “ IT’S JUST THE SAME MOVIE OVER AGAIN WITH MORE STUFF ADDED?!”
“Um… I mean, a lot of films get special editions, so really it’s a good value for new viewers, right…?”
And it was at this point that that half a dozen shoes slammed into the screen, thrown with eerily perfect unison.