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** ** **
Two months earlier
Obi-Wan let a tiny smile grace his lips as he bowed to Master Januis, a smile he let widen considerably as he passed into the hallway. He was tired, as was to be expected after the last six months of missions combined with the intensive work required for the capstone course required of all senior padawans. The grudging words of praise from the notoriously stingy grader and zealous guardian of one of the critical rites of passage simply confirmed his own feeling that he had done very well on his presentation two days earlier, so he let himself indulge in a bit of self-congratulation and an extra spring in his step as he headed toward the quarters he shared with Master Qui-Gon Jinn.
He paused a moment outside the entrance door, schooling his features to the quiet calm expected of a senior padawan. The smile became barely upturned corners of his lips. He damped down his anticipation of the conversation he wanted to have with his master, restraining his eagerness to push for permission to take some of the advanced, specialized courses he wanted now that the capstone had been successfully completed.
The door slid open and Obi-Wan stepped through, slinging his cloak off and onto a hook with long-practiced ease. He turned, stopped short; his smile and eyes got a little wider.
Qui-Gon stood motionless on their small balcony, dressed casually in just his inner shirt, loose pants and socks. The late afternoon sun slanted at the perfect angle to surround his frame with a corona of soft golden light.
Obi-Wan's heart clenched as time ceased to exist. The feelings locked in his heart hammered for release for a long moment before he managed to shut them down. A tiny whimper brought time crashing back as Qui-Gon turned.
"Ah, good, you've returned a bit early." Qui-Gon lifted a hand toward their table that served for dining, studying and the occasional game of sabacc. A gentle smile graced his lips. "I need to speak with you before we go to late meal."
"Of course, Master."
There was a comfortable silence as the two men settled into the worn chairs.
"What do you wish to discuss, Master?"
"I spoke with Master Januis earlier today." Qui-Gon paused as he set both elbows on the table and steepled his fingers.
Obi-Wan inclined his head slightly as he mentally prepared his course requests.
"He complimented your results in the capstone course. We also discussed your potential future training needs."
"Well, you are always saying I still have much to learn, Master." Obi-Wan leaned forward, thinking to seize this opportunity. "I have been considering that same topic. There are some advanced courses I'd like to apply for…" His voice trailed off as Qui-Gon raised a hand.
Qui-Gon's smile turned… melancholic was the only word Obi-Wan could come up with as his master's eyes stared down at the battered faux wood. The silence grew a little more brittle the longer it lasted.
Obi-Wan finally ventured a question. "Master… is there something wrong?"
"Hmm?" Qui-Gon seemed to gather himself. "No." He carefully placed both hands flat on the table. "We need to refocus your training in a different direction, however. I submitted your name for the next cycle of Trials when it appeared you would pass the capstone course. Master Januis informed me that you have been accepted; your group will be tested in four months."
"Trials…" Obi-Wan felt frozen in place, not even noticing how his mouth hung open. "But… Master, I don't feel ready." He shook his head. "I DO still have so much more to learn."
"Padawan, we all have much to learn. That is something that never stops." A guilty look flashed in blue eyes as Qui-Gon sighed. "Obi-Wan, I have to confess that I have done you a disservice. You were ready months ago, but I delayed requesting your capstone course –"
"There wasn't time for that sort of thing, Master," protested Obi-Wan. "We've been on missions so much I've even been happy to eat the dining facility food." He waited a beat for the quirky half smile that dragged Qui-Gon's lips up. "I am honored that you put me in this early, but there's still so much I feel I need to do… want to do…" Obi-Wan clamped his mouth and bond shut before inappropriate words and emotions could shoot out. His heart was hammering again and he was afraid that his thundering blood could be heard down the hall.
"Obi-Wan, I'd be far more worried if you said you were ready and demanding to take your Trial. The fact that you don't feel ready just tells me you recognize that you are on a path that will require you to always be open to new learning. Becoming a knight is just the next step on that path." Qui-Gon cleared his throat. His tongue flashed along his lower lip. "It was still a disservice to make you wait longer than you needed to. It was a selfish decision on my part."
"Uh, I don't understand, Master." Obi-Wan's brain shook itself to get past the sight of that glimpse of tongue.
"Obi-Wan, my beautiful padawan…" Qui-Gon swallowed hard. "It was selfish because I did not wish to be parted from you so soon. You have been the joy of my life and I will miss you terribly after you leave me. I know my feelings are inappropriate… and of course I know you don't return them, but …"
The rest of Qui-Gon's words dissolved into a haze as Obi-Wan's heart told his brain to shove itself into a corner and took over. Shaking only a little bit, he leaned forward and reached out to grab Qui-Gon's hands.
"Your feelings are returned, Qui-Gon Jinn." Obi-Wan squeezed those big hands hard as a brilliant grin lit up his face. "You have no idea how much I love you!"
** ** **
The initial euphoria of bringing concealed emotions into the light didn't take long to dissipate as both men began to feel the weight of their responsibilities as Jedi. They continued to hold hands, the physical reality reinforcing the joyful surging of their bond, but an awkward silence was gradually replacing that first flood of words.
"You know, I really really want to kiss you right now but… " Obi-Wan gave a gusty sigh.
"Yes." Qui-Gon gave a big sigh of his own. "I would like that, too, but… I think we need to talk before we go any further." He gave a quick squeeze to Obi-Wan's hands. "First, I don't want us to do anything that might jeopardize your Trial or knighting. Or our missions either." He raised one eyebrow. "Agreed?"
Obi-Wan tongued a canine tooth for a moment. Despite his master's reputation as a maverick, Obi-Wan knew there were some areas in which he was very much a strict traditionalist and apparently this was going to be one of those. "I agree. Sooo, I'm taking it that there won't be any physical intimacy until after I'm knighted." He didn't even bother making it a question as he shoved his disappointment back into a locked box in his heart.
"I think it best we not indulge. The temptations would be… " Qui-Gon swallowed and flicked his glance away. "Well, let's just say that I'm not sure I could maintain control once we start down that path."
"I thought Jedi masters could handle anything." Obi-Wan smirked as he let one hand wander suggestively up Qui-Gon's wrist.
Qui-Gon swiftly recaptured Obi-Wan's hand and held both of them firmly. He wiggled both eyebrows and growled, "I think you know damn well how hot and how much of a terrible temptation you are. I've taken a lot of cold showers the last few years after having to watch you sashay half-dressed around salles and our quarters."
The voice and words sent blood roaring south at this revelation of a side of his master that Obi-Wan had only hoped for, and he had to forcefully will his impending erection to Stop. That. Right. Now. He grinned wryly and gave a small snort. "I guess between the two of us, then, we've been putting quite a dent in the Temple's water supply."
That got a small laugh from Qui-Gon. "Nothing like shared misery to make the heart grow fonder." He pulled his hands away and sat back in his chair. "It's just four months. We can do this. And I promise you that I will give you a post-knighting night to remember."
"Right, we can do this." Obi-Wan grinned. "And I am definitely going to hold you to that promise."
** ** **
After a trip to the dining facility, both men determinedly kept the evening conversation focused on preparation for Obi-Wan's trials – what to expect, what specific training would be helpful, how to continue preparing when they were on missions. Time passed more quickly than they realized and soon it was time to retire to their separate rooms.
Obi-Wan was just coming out of the fresher as Qui-Gon passed by. He caught one of his large hands and pulled Qui-Gon to face him.
"I love you, Qui-Gon Jinn," he said softly.
"I love you, too, Obi-Wan Kenobi."
"I don't suppose one little kiss would be okay?" Obi-Wan's voice was wistful and he kept his lust away from their shared bond.
Qui-Gon put one finger on Obi-Wan's nose. "No tongue." His blue eyes danced.
Obi-Wan laughed and reached for Qui-Gon. "Chaste and pure as new snow."
They leaned close together, carefully not touching anything but each other's hands until their lips met.
Eyes closed, Obi-Wan focused on the soft warmth that connected them. He let the sensation wash through him, a tide of affection rippling across their bond with promises for their future. It seemed that no time at all passed, however, before the affection drifted to regret and he felt Qui-Gon pull away.
"Four months, my love."
The whispered words fueled Obi-Wan's dreams that night.
** ** **
The next month passed by in a blur. They remained at the Temple as Qui-Gon was teaching two advanced seminars in diplomacy, but there was certainly plenty of work to keep his padawan busy. After an orientation meeting with the ten other senior padawans who had been accepted for the current Trial cycle, each of them was assigned an advisor to help sort out the academic and physical training they needed to review.
The days were long, but the two Jedi had developed a new personal ritual that kept Obi-Wan focused on his goal. Each night before going to their rooms, they met outside the fresher. They held hands and slowly kissed, a chaste buss laden with promises. As they drew apart, Qui-Gon would run the back of his fingers down Obi-Wan's cheek as he softly reminded them both of how much time remained before the Trials started. Their last words to each other were "I love you."
And so the routine went, day after day.
Then came the word that the Chancellor had requested them for an urgent mission to a small planet called Naboo.
** ** **
The first sight of the ships blockading Naboo was disturbing enough. The Trade Federation was already escalating the trade dispute; Obi-Wan knew that once hostile actions were taken, it was that much more difficult to de-escalate a situation.
It was not until Viceroy Nute Gunray invited them aboard the Trade Federation flagship and left them in a conference room that it really hit. Obi-Wan felt a jittering of unease rattling in his bones and he had to fight for a long moment to keep his features measured and serene.
"I have a bad feeling about this, Master." Obi-Wan lifted his gaze from the porthole. From long experience, he knew part of the bad feeling was the reaction he expected from Qui-Gon, one of their relatively few points of recurring dissentions.
True to form, Qui-Gon gently chastised him, telling him to keep his focus on here and now.
Nonetheless, Obi-Wan silently stretched out some filaments of the Force, seeking signs of the threat he felt.
The danger came to them quickly, all hell breaking loose as poison gas hissed into the conference room and the Jedi fought their way out. From that point, it was nothing but frantic bouts of violence interspersed with tense hours of constrained silence to avoid enemy droids, on the move in the steamy heat or swimming to the Gungan city with Qui-Gon's latest pathetic life form, a floppy-eared walking disaster named Jar-Jar Binks. They broke out through the blockade on Queen Amidala's sleek corvette, but damage to the ship forced them down to a miserable desert planet called Tatooine. As they gathered to discuss options, it felt like the first opportunity Obi-Wan had had time to stop and breathe.
Having decided that Qui-Gon, and for some unfathomable reason Jar-Jar Binks, would head for the nearest town at first light to attempt to locate parts for the damaged ship while Obi-Wan would continue to assist with repairs, the meeting broke up.
Obi-Wan let his master use the small fresher first, busying himself with checking their mission bags to verify what supplies they still had, then stripped to leggings and a loose inner shirt. When Qui-Gon was finished, the padawan made a quick job of his ablutions.
"Shall I leave the light on, Master?" Obi-Wan paused respectfully near the double bunks, waiting while Qui-Gon dragged his attention away from the datapad on the small table attached to one wall.
"Light?" Qui-Gon looked up and blinked, seemingly just now noticing how Obi-Wan was dressed. "Ah, I think not." He yawned, then smiled a bit sheepishly. "You have the better idea. Best to get some sleep while we can." Long arms and legs stretched wide as he stood up.
Three steps took the master to stand in front of his padawan.
"I'm sorry this mission is disrupting your preparation for your Trial," said Qui-Gon softly.
"It's not your fault, Master. In fact, it's a very good thing - the distraction is helping me keep my mind from worrying about that." Obi-Wan gave a cheeky grin.
"Padawan, your sense of humor will either be the death of you or the Council." Qui-Gon gave a little snort. "I suspect it will the Council." He stepped into Obi-Wan's space and reached to hold his hands.
Obi-Wan leaned in, closed his eyes, and savored the slow kiss and the soft drag of his master's fingers down one cheek.
"Two months and twenty-four days, my love," whispered Qui-Gon.
Together, they breathed the words… "I love you."
** ** **
There was plenty of damage to repair on the corvette, but while his hands were busy Obi-Wan’s thoughts were concerned. He was very well aware that Qui-Gon was one of the most accomplished Jedi masters in the Order, but he was also very much aware of his propensity for unorthodox and sometimes grey tactics. The occasional hints or reports he was getting were not helping his peace of mind, especially after Qui-Gon’s query for a midichlorian reading on a stray child named Anakin came back with an incredibly high number.
He wasn’t much happier when they managed to repair the ship and he found that Qui-Gon insisted on bringing the boy with them.
Back on Coruscant, Qui-Gon’s declaration that Anakin Skywalker was the key to an old prophesy that would bring balance to the Force, whatever the hell that actually meant, irritated everyone. Obi-Wan had assumed the boy was just another of Qui-Gon’s rescued strays, so he was stunned when his master defied the Council’s decision not to train the boy and essentially claimed Skywalker as his padawan, stating his assurance that Obi-Wan would certainly pass his upcoming Trial. There was hemming and hawing and many sharp words before the whole affair was set aside in favor of resolving the Naboo and Sith crisis first.
Back in their quarters, Obi-Wan fumed. He had felt hurt and rejected by the fiasco in the Council chamber, but kept his silence when Qui-Gon returned and went straight to his data terminal. He prepared a pot of tea to keep busy.
The clinking of cups as Obi-Wan set the tea tray on their table appeared to catch Qui-Gon’s attention. He looked up, hesitated a moment before pausing the data terminal and then came to the table to sit down.
“Thank you, Padawan.” Qui-Gon smiled after his first sip. “Always so attentive.”
Silence grew heavy as they slowly drank the steaming tea. Obi-Wan kept his eyes on his cup, but it was hard to keep his feelings from leaking over their bond. A sharp ‘thunk’ caught his attention as Qui-Gon’s cup hit the table.
“Padawan, you might want to put in some work on your shielding before your Trial.” Qui-Gon’s tone was mild, but there was an underlying hint of concern. “I sense that you are troubled about something.”
Obi-Wan drew a careful breath before replying. “It always bothers me when you are in contention with the Council, Master.”
“You know that I believe in the will of the Force and will always try to follow that path. If others do not understand that… well, there will be contention at times.”
“Yes, Master.” Obi-Wan carefully considered his words. "I don't understand why a vague ancient prophecy and this boy from Tatooine seem to be so important to you."
"I'm afraid I don't have logic on my side, Padawan." Qui-Gon stared off into the distance for a long moment, eyes half-hooded, before continuing. "I have felt a growing… disturbance in the Force for some time. At first, it was so slight that I wasn't sure it was even there. This past year the feeling has increased, impinging on my meditations even when I did not seek it. When I met Anakin, he was like a beacon light in the Force. I saw him in my meditations that first night; his future was clouded, but his power will be immense. The Force tells me we must guide that power so he learns to use it for good. I just hope we did not find him too late."
"You would go against the Council to train him?"
"If necessary." Qui-Gon's stubborn frown softened as he reached out one hand across the table to lightly grasp one of Obi-Wan's. "I am sorry about the way things went in the Council chamber. The Force was practically screaming in my head to help the boy." He tightened his grasp a little. "I did not mean anyone to think I wanted to displace you. If I did not believe, absolutely, that you will pass your Trial and become a knight in a few short months… I'm not sure I would have had the strength to claim Anakin. I apologize if anything I said or did hurt you."
"It's alright. I wish we could have had time to discuss this earlier, but I do know how strongly you believe in the Force and how it guides your actions." Obi-Wan shook his head, still not entirely convinced or happy, but decided to try to make the best of things. "In any event, I suppose it won't really matter in a few months. I will keep working hard to prepare for my Trial."
"Thank you, Obi-Wan. I know you will do well." Qui-Gon smiled and took both of Obi-Wan's hands. "I am looking forward so much to being able to join with my new knight."
"And I look forward to being with you as well." Obi-Wan resolutely thrust his misgivings to the back of his mind.
** ** **
The return to Naboo did not start well. Queen Amidala had offered to bring the Jedi back with her.
Qui-Gon had stopped by the Naboo embassy, so Obi-Wan headed for the landing pad by himself. As he approached the ship, he was surprised to see his master kneeling, speaking to Anakin Skywalker, then urging him up the landing ramp. He had assumed Qui-Gon had intended to say his good-byes at the embassy.
"The boy is coming with us?"
"Yes. He does not have a home now and we need to keep him close."
"Master, a potential battlefield is hardly a safe place for a child. And the more I see of him, the more I understand why the Council deemed him dangerous. I don't think this is a good idea."
"This is not open for discussion. He is coming with us, Padawan. Now get aboard."
Stung by the abrupt dismissal, Obi-Wan steeled his features, bowed and made his way onto the corvette.
Relationships were a bit frosty as they traveled to Naboo. Qui-Gon was initially focused on beginning some rudimentary training for Anakin and Obi-Wan found it difficult to release his uneasiness about the boy's presence. He tried to meditate, but the Force was proving elusive. The more he had to interact with Anakin, though, the more he realized that none of what was happening was his fault. The boy was eager to please and was practically adopted by some of the pilots and mechanics. He clearly missed his mother, but on the whole seemed excited to be there.
Obi-Wan had little time to brood and his feelings improved as it was clear that Qui-Gon still treated him like an equal partner, making sure he was included in the mission planning and preparations. Everyone was busy and kept on their toes as they sneaked back through the blockade, then sought out intelligence and allies. Obi-Wan increasingly admired the young queen; she was intelligent, daring and clearly passionate about saving her people. Anakin plainly liked her, too, a feeling that seemed to be reciprocated – Obi-Wan found the boy's crush rather charming, although he still worried about his safety.
Preparations to retake Naboo from the Trade Federation rapidly escalated once an alliance with the Gungans was secured. Troops and supplies were gathered; plans were finalized for dual attacks, one to occupy the droid armies and another to capture the Viceroy.
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan managed to snatch a small break from the planning sessions. They walked deeper into a forest dappled with sunlight, enjoying the clean air and peace. They couldn't roam too far, though, and soon stopped for a rest.
Obi-Wan had come to terms with his feelings about Anakin, even if he still believed the boy was potentially dangerous. Also, Qui-Gon was still his master, and it was his duty to obey and support him regardless of what he thought about said master's quirks and obsessions. He took a deep breath, went up to Qui-Gon, and bowed.
"Master, I want to apologize. I should not have questioned your decisions about Anakin, but should have supported you instead. I'm sorry."
Qui-Gon turned to face him. "It's alright, Padawan. This entire mission has been quite difficult." He gave a small, self-deprecating smile. "I know I can be difficult at times, but you do help keep me grounded. I very much appreciate that." His smile became wider and a light danced in his blue eyes as he put a hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder. "You are a good man, Obi-Wan. I believe you will be an incredible knight and I look forward to seeing how far you go."
"Thank you, Master." Obi-Wan's answering smile was bashful. "If I am successful, it will be because you were such a good teacher."
"We will continue learning together, my Obi-Wan. I'm sure the Force will light our way forward." Qui-Gon pulled his padawan's hands into his. "Unfortunately, we have duties to perform, but never forget that I love you."
The kiss they shared felt a little warmer than usual, and Obi-Wan stamped it into his memories as they reluctantly stepped apart. "I love you, too, Qui-Gon Jinn."
** ** **
Even with a Jedi's exceptional powers of recall, the next few days disintegrated into fragments. Obi-Wan followed his master as they fought their way into the palace hangar so the Naboo pilots could liberate their fighters to attack the flagship of the blockading ships.
Lightsabers and blasters screaming, flashing in the dimness of the hangar, as the droid units were decimated and cleaved into harmless chunks of metal.
Qui-Gon looking up at Anakin Skywalker, sitting in a fighter. "Stay put!"
Queen Amidala leading their small force out of the hangar. The double doors opening to reveal a figure in black and red.
The shwoosh and glare of a dual red lightsaber.
Most of the ensuing battle was a haze of movement, lightsabers flashing and crackling, breath burning in his lungs, falling and chasing two figures into a corridor, an energy field thrumming and pulsing as it slammed in his face.
The helpless feeling in his gut as he watched his master fall to his knees. "Noooooo!"
Anger, hot and vengeful, pouring through him, powering the final swing as he cut the Sith in half.
The breaking of his heart as he held Qui-Gon in his arms.
"Train the boy," was the hoarse request.
Cool fingers touching his face.
Tears trickling down his face as he pulled Qui-Gon close, heard the tiny whisper of a dying breath… "I love you…"
** ** **
The next thing Obi-Wan clearly remembered was waking up in a large, opulent room. He automatically reached to his training bond to mentally contact with Qui-Gon and found only a gaping hole where it should be, edges ragged and torn. His head felt stuffy and tender, a low-grade headache sending an occasional spike as he stood up and looked around.
"Right," he muttered, "must be in the palace." He meandered to the fresher, which was also large and richly appointed. The face in the mirror looked pale and haggard with dull blue-grey eyes. He raised his right hand as if to touch the cheeks in his reflection, then flinched back with the realization that there were other fingers whose touch he would never feel again.
"Force, this hurts…"
** ** **
Obi-Wan's life became a blur of duty-driven actions. Reports, meetings, a funeral that he witnessed but could not fully comprehend.
Kneeling as Yoda paced, displeasure almost physically manifesting from his small, green body.
"Killing the Sith your Trial it shall be. A knight you are." A harsh thump of a gimmer stick hitting the floor. "Like this I do not." Something in Obi-Wan's expression seemed to catch the ancient master's eye. He stopped and hrmmphhed, then his shoulders drooped. "Anakin Skywalker your padawan will be."
The trip back to Coruscant was a brief respite consumed mostly by Anakin's excited questions.
Both Jedi were sucked into the administrative maelstrom of adjusting to their new status. After a brief opportunity to clear out Obi-Wan's old quarters, they moved to new quarters suited to Obi-Wan's new status, a step above a brand new knight but the most junior master in the entire Temple – at least they had two sleeping rooms and a large picture window in addition to the shared fresher, common room and tiny kitchenette. New uniforms and equipment were issued. There were long, interminable meetings with the training team to sort out what to do with a nine-year-old padawan who had not attended a single initiate class and scheduling the "new master familiarization" for Obi-Wan. Yoda personally intervened to help the new pair establish a fledgling training bond, although he seemed concerned when they finished.
Meetings and briefings to revisit over and over again every little scrap of information that they could garner about the Sith.
Congratulations and condolences from his friends, most of whom were busy with their own missions or training.
Mandatory sessions with a soul healer.
"You don't seem to be sleeping well, Master Kenobi," said the soft-spoken avian soul healer. "And we are concerned that you are having difficulties establishing a harmonious relationship with your new padawan."
"I'm sure it's just adjustment problems." Obi-Wan gave one of his diplomatic smiles that touched only his lips. "There's been a lot happening these last few weeks. And I wasn't expecting to have a padawan this soon, of course." Left unspoken were the broken heart that made his nights miserable and the snort of derision over the words "harmonious relationship" with a hyper boy who jabbered at length, had no clue what "quiet contemplation" was and had already tried to take apart half the appliances in their quarters.
"Of course. I'll send you some meditation exercises."
** ** **
After getting Anakin fed, reasonably clean and deposited at his first class of the morning, Obi-Wan slumped into the chair in front of his data terminal. He gazed at the screen for a long moment before he sighed and logged in. One by one, he forced himself to review messages, his eyes burning after another night of tossing and turning, few of them registering through his exhaustion.
Another meeting about the Sith. Reminders about Temple events. The one from Anakin's Force skills teacher requesting a discussion of "adjustment issues" drew a grimace.
A soft ding drew his attention to a new message marked as time sensitive.
Master Kenobi. During the inspection of quarters scheduled for renovation, it was noted that your previous quarters appear to have personal items remaining. Please remove any items you wish to retain by sixteenth hour tomorrow so we may begin the renovation work on schedule.
Obi-Wan stared at the words. He remembered arriving back from Naboo in the evening and spending just one night before they were assigned to live elsewhere – he had let Anakin use the padawan room and he had slept on the sofa. While Anakin was getting a thorough physical exam that next morning, he had swept up what he wanted from his padawan room, mostly personal items like the rocks Qui-Gon had gifted him over the years. He swallowed hard. The message had to be referring to whatever was still in Qui-Gon's room; he had only briefly glanced inside when they got back before deciding he couldn't bear to go in.
The chair creaked a bit as Obi-Wan leaned way back. He squeezed his eyes shut and softly chewed on his lower lip. He knew he needed to move on, to put his feelings to rest, to get on with his new life and new responsibilities. He liked to believe he wasn't the sort to wallow in his grief, although he strongly suspected his soul healer would tell him he was doing exactly that. He opened his eyes and glanced at the message again – he didn't need to do anything about it immediately.
** ** **
The evening was far along, Anakin asleep in his room, when Obi-Wan slipped out to find solitude in a secluded corner of the Temple gardens.
He removed his boots, then seated himself in lotus position. Eyes closed, he listened to the small sounds around him as he sought to quiet his mind and find the Force.
A half hour later Obi-Wan sighed in frustration. The Force was elusive, tantalizingly at the edge of his awareness, but his thoughts kept drifting back to Qui-Gon. He knew he should be better at this – Force, he had been meditating successfully on his own for years, although a niggling little voice tried to remind him how much better it had felt when he could meditate with his master.
He felt a slash of guilt at the thought of joint meditations as he remembered his responsibility for teaching Anakin, just as Qui-Gon had helped him learn to develop his relationship with the Force. He bowed his head and bit his lower lip. He already felt inadequate as a master, and he knew he was keeping a distance between himself and the boy because he couldn't help being reminded of Qui-Gon and his last request to train Anakin. He wanted to do better, he wanted to follow Qui-Gon's wishes, but he felt lost, in pain, and also angry with himself for not being able to figure out how to move forward from his near paralysis.
A copper tang on his tongue brought Obi-Wan sharply back into the present. He licked the blood away where he had bitten down too hard on his lip, putting his elbows on his knees so he could rest his face on his hands.
The night turned dark and chill before the young knight finally made his way back to his room for a bout of fitful sleep.
** ** **
By mid-meal the next day, Obi-Wan still had not made a decision. Anakin was complaining about his first kata lessons as they left the dining hall.
"Knight Wusho just has us standing in these stupid poses like a bunch of dorks. It's stupid and boring."
Obi-Wan abruptly pulled him aside and knelt down. "Would you like to do something different this afternoon, Padawan?"
"Can we go to the hangar and talk to the mechanics? Please?"
"I'm afraid not. We're going to my old quarters, the ones Master Jinn and I shared, to see if there is anything left that needs to be saved or removed."
"Master Qui-Gon's room?" Anakin's eyes got big. "Yippee! That would be cool, Master." He started to dart ahead.
"Anakin." Obi-Wan reminded himself yet again to keep his voice calm but firm. "How do we walk in the Temple?"
"Padawans walk one step behind and to the right of their master." Anakin pouted, but fell into his place as they headed for the nearest lift.
Obi-Wan stood in front of the door for almost a full minute, telling his racing heart to be still, before slowly reaching out to palm the doorpad lock. The metal door swished open with its usual quiet efficiency, a waft of stalish warm air escaping into the hall.
"Wow. You guys sure had a lot of old junk, didn't you?" Anakin jittered a bit. "Is that all Master Qui-Gon's stuff? Can I look in his room?"
Obi-Wan blinked, then actually looked at the rooms as if from an outsider's view. The furniture was indeed dented and worn, nicks and scratches in walls, a data terminal and holo screen at least three versions behind the latest models. Small knickknacks, an empty tea cup and… he winced at the sight of two very dead potted plants. A lot of life had been lived within these walls, but he could already feel the space losing those memories.
"Anakin, if you would be so kind as to go through the kitchen and the padawan room first, that would be helpful. Let me know if you think there is anything we should keep or that you want, but remember that we don't have much room in our new quarters. And that Jedi do not accumulate material possessions."
Anakin looked a little dubious at that last statement, but then eagerly turned to the small food prep area. "Sure thing, Master."
Obi-Wan took slow, measured steps, pausing only briefly to push the door of his master's old room open. He stopped.
He wasn't sure what he had expected to feel, but it probably wasn't the impression of flat disappointment. Lingering grief, sadness, a sense of loss, certainly he had those, but as he looked around, he realized that he had so rarely been in this spare and tidy room that it was only the little touches that reminded him of Qui-Gon Jinn. A hairbrush and tie, a dry planet cactus still apparently alive, a glimpse of an old pair of boots in the open closet. It didn't even really smell like him anymore.
Obi-Wan forced himself to open the few drawers and the closet, but found mostly only uniforms, training gear and a few pieces of civilian clothing. He even tried draping Qui-Gon's spare cloak around himself like the tragic heroes in the romance holonovels, but he just felt a little silly because it was so large and dragged on the floor.
"Well, the soul healer will be happy, I suppose." He snorted. "Nothing much here to wallow about in." He did allow himself a dose of melancholy at the thought of how this should have become his room also, but shook it off. As he turned back toward the door, his downcast eyes caught site of an object on the floor, lying off to one side of the door, and realized he must have walked past it earlier without noticing. He reached down to pick it up and froze.
"Force, how did this get here?" Obi-Wan stared at the leather pack in his hands, then stumbled over to the bed and sat heavily. "I thought this got lost on Naboo." He ran his hands over the well-worn surfaces, finding familiar nicks and the balky magnetic seal on one of the side flaps as his heart stormed. This was Qui-Gon, the mission pack he had carried for so many years and which Obi-Wan had so faithfully unpacked and packed on countless planets and space ships. A new tag attached to one strap provided an answer – the note was from the Naboo embassy, the pack had been found on the queen's corvette, then forwarded to the Jedi Temple.
Obi-Wan swallowed, took a deep breath, then opened the top flap and carefully emptied the contents onto the bed. He allowed himself a deep sniff – a base of clean, cold sandalwood tempered by a warm musky smell still lingered inside the pack. He let himself float in that moment before turning to sorting the items from inside.
He quickly set aside mundane items such as extra uniforms. The xellowood brush he had gifted Qui-Gon, the comb, the set of extra hair ties, the bottles of lotion and shampoo… those went back inside. As he pulled his hand out, Obi-Wan's fingers brushed against the flap of an inner pocket. He was a little surprised, as he had never been asked to take anything out of it for his master, so he opened it. He had to reach down into the very bottom to find the small pouch inside.
The pouch was of heavy brown fabric, clearly well used, and it clicked a bit when he pulled it out. Obi-Wan pulled the top drawstring open and shook out an object wrapped in silky fabric. He opened the fabric and stared at the revealed object.
A circle of round, green stones, separated into segments by three larger light gray stones and one large white almost tubular stone with a tail that probably once held a tassel. The stones were shiny as if from long use. An old memory tugged at him; he felt he knew this object. He touched the largest stone with one finger, gasped at the tiny buzz and the image of an impatient fourteen-year-old padawan kneeling across from Qui-Gon that jumped into his consciousness.
He made a quick visual count – 108 stones in shades of green in four sections of 27, plus the markers and, what was it Qui-Gon had called it… right, the guru stone. All there, just as he remembered - this had to be his master's set. He had not realized that Qui-Gon must have continued to use the stones for his individual meditations, even though his apprentice had quickly enough given up the practice and moved to other methods.
Obi-Wan hovered a hand above the string as another memory surfaced. Something about energy… He closed his eyes and concentrated… energy being stored in the stones if you used them enough. His eyes widened… could it possibly be? He was barely breathing as his hand lowered.
"Master! I found some really neat stuff! And some of that tea you said you liked! Come see the – "
"Anakin." Obi-Wan sucked in a quick breath and pulled his hand back as if burned. "Slow down."
"Yes, Master." Anakin. He stood a little straighter. "I went through the other rooms. I remembered what you said about leaving stuff that we already have or can't use so it can be recycled by the maintenance people."
"That's good, Padawan."
"I did find some neat stuff to keep, Master!" Anakin was already edging toward the door. "Come take a look."
"Alright. Just a moment." Obi-Wan hurriedly repacked the meditation set, putting it in one of his belt pouches, then grabbed the mission pack and followed his padawan to the common room.
As if strategically staging his loot, Anakin led his master toward one end of the table where he had assembled everything.
"I think this is stuff you'd like, Master." Anakin started pointing. "I left everything that was open, but I found some unopened tea, several cans of expensive looking food, two packets of cookies, and," he pointed triumphantly, "four bottles of wine."
"Those look like good choices." Obi-Wan heart skipped a beat as he recognized that two of the tea canisters were actually Qui-Gon's favorite brand. He smiled slightly and plowed on. "And what about this other box?"
"Ah, right, Master." Anakin shuffled a toe. "Um, I found this junk in your room, Master. I mean, it's not junk, it's really cool stuff, but most of it had been shoved under the bed. Can I have it, Master?"
"Well, let's just take a look, shall we?"
"Okay."
The first four items were model kits. Obi-Wan recognized them from his "let's build spaceships" phase. "I'm not sure all the parts are still there, but you can have them."
"Cool. I can always make other things from whatever is there." Anakin held up a metal box. "I think this probably went with the kits, Master."
Obi-Wan took a quick look. "I believe you are correct, Padawan. It's a miniature tool set, so yes, you can keep that, too."
"And then there was this." Anakin produced a brown wooden box, opened it, pulled out a cloth pouch. He upended the pouch and the object inside slithered out. "They're really pretty, Master."
Obi-Wan froze. Spread across the table was a string of intense blue round stones, a dark turquoise. The larger marker stones and guru bead were a shade of brilliant green.
"Uh, Master? Is something wrong?"
Obi-Wan realized he was staring, shook himself back to awareness. "No, Padawan. There's nothing wrong."
"Are they special, Master? I thought it was just, like, a necklace or something."
"They are meditation stones, Padawan. It was a set Qui-Gon had gifted to me." Obi-Wan started to reach for the string, but a pulse from the Force stayed his hand.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know. It's okay if you want to keep them, Master. I'm not any good at meditating yet anyway."
Obi-Wan's first impulse had been, 'of course I want them', but the look of disappointment on Anakin's face and another nudge from the Force made him reconsider. It didn't feel like one of his normal premonitions, but maybe it was the Force giving him an opportunity. An opportunity to perhaps begin healing both himself and his relationship with his padawan.
"Actually, Padawan, why don't you bring them over to the sofa so we can talk."
Anakin looked confused and more than a tad apprehensive, but he obediently picked up the stones and their pouch, then followed his master.
Obi-Wan pondered his next words for a long moment as Anakin fidgeted.
"Padawan, I know this is a difficult time for both of us and we haven't really gotten off to the best start together. I'd like to work on fixing that if you're willing."
"Uh, yes, Master?" Anakin's dubious expression made Obi-Wan smile.
"Let's start with these stones." Obi-Wan dug out the set of green stones in their pouch as he dredged his memory for the information Qui-Gon had imparted to him in their early discussions. "First, they are designed to help with meditation, and we'll get to that part in a moment." He slipped the green set into his hand. "These belonged to Qui-Gon. Since he's no longer with us," he had to force himself not to stop, "I don't think he'd mind if I keep them." Obi-Wan gently took his other hand and folded Anakin's hand over the blue set. "He picked these out himself, and I think he'd really like it if you accept them."
Anakin's eyes grew big and his mouth hung open a bit as he stared down. "Wicked," he breathed out. "Yes, Master, I'd love to have them." His face scrunched up. "Uh, does this mean I have to do meditation stuff with them?"
"Well, yes." Obi-Wan huffed a small laugh at Anakin's expression of dismay. "But we'll start out with just a little it and see how it's goes, alright?"
"Yes, Master."
"Let's look at the stones. See how there are four sections?" Obi-Wan waited for his padawan to nod. "Each section has 27 stones, for a total of 108. The 108 is important because it stands for spiritual completion. The number 1 stands for the Force; 0 stands for emptiness and humility in spiritual practice; and 8 stands for infinity and timelessness. This big stone is called a guru stone – it marks the beginning and end of the circle. The stones are to help with your meditation; you can use breathing, mantras or an affirmation. We'll talk more about all this later, but what I would like to do now is for us to start together with a very simple session."
"Okay, Master. I haven't figured out to do that mind clearing thing yet."
"That's not a problem. We're going to do something even more basic than that. Start by just sitting comfortably. We hold the stones in one hand, with the guru stone as the first one."
"Like this?"
"Yes, very good. We'll only use the first section of 27. We're going to go one stone at a time – slowly inhale, exhale and then move to the next stone. Let's try just moving the stones first." Obi-Wan waited until they had both practiced and then went to their starting point. "That was good. Let's practice just breathing together, you don't even have to count; the marker stone will tell you when you finished."
They went through the first section, side by side. Obi-Wan very softly calling out, "inhale, exhale, next stone" until they completed the first section.
"How was that, Padawan?"
"Gee, it didn't seem like anything special, Master. Was I doing it wrong?"
"No, you did just fine, Padawan. The stones are just a tool to help us focus, to help create a quiet time in space and our minds. We'll keep practicing and talking about what we're doing. I'll make time so we can do this every day. It will be our special time together."
"That would be cool, Master. Thanks."
"I look forward to it, Padawan." Obi-Wan smiled at Anakin's obvious pleasure. "Now, I think we should pack up and take our things back to our own quarters so we'll be out of the way of the cleaning and restoration crews."
"Yes, Master."
** ** **
Obi-Wan waited once again until Anakin was asleep before heading out to the gardens again. He found a quiet spot, removed his boots for comfort and sat in lotus position,
He removed the string of green stones and positioned it over his left hand. His thoughts were in turmoil and his heart beat far too rapidly, so he set the stones aside and went through a breathing exercise until he felt ready to start again.
Stones back over his left hand, Obi-Wan concentrated on choosing a mantra. He smiled as he realized there was only one obvious choice for what he wanted to try. He relaxed, took three very deep breaths and closed his eyes.
Qui. Gon. Move to the next stone.
Qui. Gon. Move to the next stone.
It was only as he got to the end of the first section that Obi-Wan began to feel the Force responding to him. By the end of the second section the connection was becoming clearer, more akin to what he was used to.
Qui. Gon. Move to the next stone.
Qui. Gon. Move to the next stone.
During the third section, the stones began to feel warmer under his touch.
Obi-Wan paused when he reached the guru stone. He sat motionless, letting his thumb rest on the smooth surface, and basked in his connection to the Force. His task did not feel complete yet, however. He took a deep breath.
And started backwards, working his way through the reverse circle.
Qui. Gon. Move to the next stone.
Qui. Gon. Move to the next stone.
He had grown so focused that he almost missed the tingling sensation growing in his fingertips.
Qui. Gon. Move to the next stone.
Qui. Gon. Move to the next stone.
By the halfway point, the tingling was spreading and becoming more familiar. Obi-Wan felt the Force reaching out to him, as strong as it had ever been in his meditations.
Sighing softly as he reached the guru stone again, Obi-Wan did not move. He opened his eyes and found the stones were glowing a soft blue edged in green. The Force signature swirling lightly around him was unmistakable.
Words on a soft breeze, barely there.
I love you.
Time stood still as Obi-Wan smiled and felt his heart begin to heal.
finis