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Pedro’s Confession
Pedro took a deep breath, he couldn’t believe what he was about to do. He gave a single knock on the door to his boyfriend’s house and stepped back before he could chicken out. I need to do this, he reminded himself.
The past year and a half have probably been the best of his life and he would never expect to have any time period that’s better. Still, something has been bothering him for a few weeks – and he was pretty sure that his boyfriend could tell some of the time. Most of the time, though, Pedro would usually pass it off as nothing to be worried about, not that anyone bought into that.
Something struck him as odd in the relationship. It hit him all at once, but he couldn’t really articulate what it was that was bothering him; he just knew that something big was there. His boyfriend noticed his change right away, but Pedro would always just push it off. It wasn’t until a day ago that he finally put two and two together to get some type of answer.
Early stages of his realization that he was in love with his boyfriend was documented on YouTube thanks to some dear friends of theirs. He saw all the videos eventually… one of which being his younger brother saying that he was “pretty sure Balthazar’s liked Pedro since year nine.” There was a kind of pressure onward from that one, almost meaningless line.
Pedro thought there was some sort of barrier there. Sure, they had been best friends for almost that whole amount of time, but something else came with knowing that your boyfriend liked you before you even knew of his existence. He felt like he needed to be this big superhuman that he knew he wasn’t. Balthazar would probably scold him for thinking like that.
After a while, Pedro started to feel like there was an off balance in the relationship. He hated to admit it, but he started to feel as though Balthazar was giving Pedro more than Pedro could ever return to Balthazar – which was miles below what Balthazar deserved. Balthazar, Pedro knew, deserved the absolute world. He was talented, handsome, and one hell of a kisser. Pedro began to realize that he never seemed to achieve the level that Balthazar would deserve, while Balthazar gave Pedro the moon and sun.
Finally, a day ago, Pedro came to the most difficult decision he has had to make in his life. He decided that the only way that he could love Balthazar was if they were away from each other. They couldn’t be together anymore and god that killed Pedro.
A few weeks into the relationship, Pedro had promised a worried and slightly drunk Balthazar that he wasn’t just going out with him because of the pressure from Bea and Ben. He had promised that he actually cared about Balthazar –loved him. He promised that they would keep open communication for any problems that they had. He even made sure to repeat that promise when Balthazar was completely sober.
Pedro broke that last promise and he hated it.
Balthazar opened the door in one of Pedro’s sweaters – which was two sized too big for Balthazar, but extremely attractive to Pedro. The mix of confusion and happiness on Balthazar’s face was prominent, and Pedro hated himself for what he was about to do. The moment that Balthazar read Pedro’s face, he lost both those expressions and replaced it with a nervous one.
“Are you okay, Pedro?” Balthazar asked, moving aside to let his boyfriend in. Instinctively, Balthazar reached to hold Pedro’s hand, but Pedro had stuffed both his hands into his jean pockets.
Pedro looked over towards the living room, not wanting to have to trek across Balthazar’s house when he is asked to leave, “Are your parents’ home?”
Balthazar shook his head, “Shopping. They probably won’t be back for another hour.” He looked at Pedro’s face and urgently asked, “Pedro, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”
Nodding to the couch, Pedro sighed, “We should probably sit.” He waited for Balthazar to take his normal seat on the two person couch then Pedro sat on the edge of his seat, facing his body towards his boyfriend.
Taking a deep breath, Pedro pulled his hands out of his pockets and ran them through his hair, “I haven’t been telling you something that’s been bothering me for a while now. Only, I haven’t been able to figure out what was bothering me up until a month or so ago and I didn’t know what to do about it until about a week ago.” Pedro had dropped his head, looking down at a green stain in the couch where he and Balthazar had thrown jell-o at each other in a food fight, they didn’t realize the stain was there until a day later. So many good memories in this house, he thought to himself, and now I’m giving Balthazar this.
Balthazar nodded, “Just talk to me, Pedro. We can fix whatever it is.”
Pedro shook his head and stood up, everything falling out of his mouth at once, “We can’t. I’m so sorry, Balthazar. This is exactly what I was scared of when we got into a relationship. I ended up fucking up! I broke the one goddamn promise that I made to you when we first got together. I didn’t have open communication and now here we are!” Pedro stepped back from the couch where a stunned Balthazar was still sitting, “We can’t be together anymore, Balthazar. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. You know that the last thing that I ever want to do is hurt you, but I know this is going to hurt you more than anything.
“You aren’t going to agree, but I know what I see. You give me the moon, stars, everything. You deserve the whole universe and I can hardly give you New-fucking-Zealand. I feel the unbalance every time we are together and I hate it. I want to give you everything, but I just can’t. I love you and I hate doing this, but you just deserve so much more than me. Our futures are even going in two complete different ways,” Pedro now started to just sprout what was coming into his mind, Balthazar kept trying to interrupt, but Pedro wouldn’t let him – hell, he wasn’t even letting himself look at him, he knew that he would crack the moment that he did.
“You are the most talented musician I’ve ever heard. You can do so much more than just the small coffee shop gigs that you’ve been doing as of late. I don’t know where I’m going, but I knew that I could never give you what you need to be free for your music.” Pedro just shook his head again, “Again, there’s just some stupid unbalance thing that bothers me so much. I still want to be best friends, but the romantic side of us just can’t happen. I love you Balthy but-”
Pedro was suddenly stopped when Balthazar’s lips crashed down on Pedro’s. Balthazar was begging for Pedro not to go, but he wasn’t good with words unless it was in song form, this was the next best thing that he could do. Pedro couldn’t do it, he stepped back, “I’m sorry Balthazar-”
“Pedro. Please.” Balthazar choked, “We can work on this. Together.”
“I’m really sorry, Balthazar. I can’t.” Pedro was now locked on Balthazar’s eyes, which was difficult to do. Balthazar’s face was completely raw with emotion – emotion that showed his love for Pedro and the pleading that they could fix all of this. “I’m not what you deserve. You deserve a guy who can give you everything that you want. I can hardly give you a quarter of that.” He took a shaky breath, “I love you.”
Pedro turned and started to walk towards the door, but Balthazar caught his arm before he could open it, “Pedro, you aren’t giving yourself enough credit for what you mean to me – what you give me. If anything, I’m not good enough for you-”
“Balthazar.” Pedro said his name no louder than a whisper, his hand went onto Balthazar’s, “I need to go. I’m sorry.”
Balthazar dropped his arm and stood back, helpless. Pedro couldn’t look as he opened the door and walked to his car. He backed out of the Jones’ driveway and drove for a few blocks before he stopped and pulled over.
“Oh god. What did I just do?” He asked himself, throwing his head onto his steering wheel.