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Kath once told him that kindness is never annoying, but Phil is starting to question whether or not that’s true. He’d like it to be, he thinks, but he’s also pretty sure people react in ways more complex than can be expressed in just one of mum’s favorite maxims, and oftentimes judge harshly for even smaller slights than being too kind.
His hands hesitate over the buttons on his phone’s keyboard. He types out the message and then deletes it. Then he types it out again. It’s a simple ‘happy birthday,’ but it’s being sent to someone decidedly less simple. An ex-boyfriend.
If only he hadn’t made it a point to remember people’s birthdays in the first place or hadn’t specifically asked for his. It’s just, at the time, he’d really thought they could work, and, even now that they haven’t, there’s still a little corner of Phil’s mind filled with all the information gathered within those few short weeks.
There’s certainly no obligation for him to reach out. They’ve been out of each other’s lives for longer than they were in them. But what if nobody else has happy-birthday-ed him? What if he’s been staring at his phone waiting for it to light up?
Phil’s heartbeat quickens as the time on the clock edges closer and closer to midnight. With just four minutes until the day’s over, he forces himself to believe — as much as is possible — in his mum's wise words. He quickly hits send before he can back out.
Better that his ex knows at least someone is thinking of him, even if it means he also remembers that Phil is too clingy or too much or thinks Phil hasn’t quite moved on yet. (And maybe that’s a little bit true, but is that such a bad thing? He was important, damnit, and just because they broke up doesn’t mean Phil can’t still care.)
That was always the issue anyways, Phil caring too much. Uni is supposed to be this exciting time of exploration and freedom and getting to experience all that life and other people have to offer. And Phil did that, Phil loved that. But even more, he simply loved the people, not just the experiences they gave him. He always fell too hard and too fast, got so close to the flame only to smother it.
There’s something so precious about spending time in bed next to someone, but he could never stomach being kicked out of it the next morning. Nobody’s ever actually kicked him out, not literally, but he can’t to go back to feeling like he’s the one supposed to leave when they were in his fucking bed to begin with.
The truth is, Phil’s always known that he wants so much more. He wants to hold hands and watch movies and ride to the top of the Eye together. He wants to play Mario Kart and lose because he’s too busy staring at the love of his life. He wants to laugh, and love, and live.
It won’t be easy. People are so often talking about the work that comes with settling down, both emotionally and practically. He'd have to be a real adult, for starters, and somehow figure out how to do all of the domestic tasks he’s slacked off with for far too long. He’d probably also need to start earning money (not just the crumbs he’s making from YouTube which, while nice, are a long way away from being an actual livable wage).
And Phil's not so optimistic as to think that every day will be a good one. They won’t all be joint baking and shared bubble baths (not that he’s ever taken a bubble bath in his adult life, but boy would it be nice to share one if they could both somehow fit). Somedays, Phil might get too tied up in his thoughts to be able to muster the courage to make a phone call or walk through a busy Tesco’s. But all he really wants in a partner is someone who won’t judge him for those bad days. (Okay, maybe that’s not all he wants, but a person who doesn’t make him feel ashamed for being the ways that he is constitutes a significant portion of what he’s looking for.)
On the flip side, Phil would love to bring a cup of tea to his partner when he’s having his own brand of bad day, whatever that ends up looking like. He’d sit with him silently if he needed and make sure to hug him extra tight. Not that he wants his boyfriend to have bad days, of course, but, given that he’s probably going to be dating a human person, those kinds of days to some degree or another are inevitable.
Its hard to say things like that to other people though, to get to know the things that eat at them and the ways to help them feel better. Phil once made the mistake of asking a guy he was maybe almost seeing what kinds of things make him cry, and that hadn’t been taken very well. He’d meant: what emotionally resonates with you, what do you hold dear, and a little bit as a segue into a discussion about the saddest Pixar movies. But perhaps most people don’t ask each other those kinds of things because his date immediately went on the defensive. And it’s not like the guy called afterwards asking for a follow up date, but Phil likes to think that, even if he had, he would’ve said no; he shouldn’t want to keep going out with a (hot, muscle-y) guy if he’s unable to admit that he ever cries.
Phil recently learned the phrase “emotionally constipated” and thinks it might describe that guy pretty well. But if he looks in the mirror, he thinks he might have the opposite problem: emotional diarrhea. His lactose intolerant insides start to squirm even just from thinking the word. He’s been told he’s lucky for it, having so much love to give, but it really does fucking suck to give all that he has and is to the world and never feel it received nor returned.
Well, maybe not never.
There’s this guy who’s recently started showing up in his video comments and Twitter replies and seems to genuinely like the content Phil is creating. Perhaps that’s close enough to liking Phil himself. And he happens to be cute, if the icon Phil managed to save to his computer and heavily zoom in on is any indication.
He could respond to those messages. See how it goes.
Phil hasn’t been avoiding it per se, but the universe has let him down so many times before, and he isn’t quite sure he’s well-built enough to survive if it happens again. How many times can one’s heart be set ablaze before it turns to ash? It’s not quite the easiest Google search.
But how can he not go for it, if it even holds a spark of that potential? Against all odds, this could be a sign, a gift, his one shot of things changing for the better. Perhaps that’s putting too much weight on something so unlikely, but he has to at least try.
So Phil will eat some emotional fiber. He’ll hope that, for once, the love he has won’t be expelled into the void of failed dates and doomed relationships. And he'll wish on all of the stars he can see out his window that this time he won’t be burned.
At least the guy’s username claims he’s not on fire.