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“Need some help?”
Sarah looks up from her conversation with Kie and offers JJ a bright smile and a blue Jell-O shot, because of course they’re taking Jell-O shots instead of drinking good, old-fashioned beer or straight vodka. Had to be as pretentious and bougie as possible. Fucking Kooks.
She quirks an eyebrow at him as he takes it, meeting her challenging stare. “Think you can keep up?”
“Can’t imagine it’d be too difficult,” JJ says, then promptly proves the exact opposite by awkwardly trying to loosen the gelatin first with his tongue, then his finger, until he can finally slurp it up.
Sarah laughs, sunny and carefree. JJ tries not to look too entranced, but he’s not sure how well he manages it. “Smooth.”
He’s not currently wearing a shirt that could double as a napkin, so he has to improvise. He grins and pops his messy fingers into his mouth, sucking off the goopy remnants, one finger at a time. He doesn’t miss the way her breath seems to catch a little or the slight flush to her cheeks.
JJ tries not to startle when her thumb is suddenly on his chin, swiping close to his bottom lip, her face closer than it was mere seconds ago.
“You had a bit,” she explains, and turns to grab a paper towel from the table with the shots to wipe off her hand. “Another one?”
He nods and takes the red one she hands him.
And another one. And another one. And another. They keep taking them, spacing them out with water and laughter and teasing touches until JJ finally realizes that they’re alone on the patio of the house her dad rented for their spring break trip.
Kie had slipped away almost as soon as JJ had approached Sarah, and, at some point, she and Pope must have snuck off. John B and Topper were gone, too, but that wasn’t really a surprise. Ever since they had gotten together several months ago, they hadn’t been able to keep their hands off each other. It was nauseating. And beyond weird that John B was dating yet another Kook, much less the ex of his ex.
It was also weird that John B was still on friendly terms with his ex, that Sarah was still part of their friend group. That the six of them were spending their senior year spring break together in some beach house Ward Cameron rented for them. That JJ and Sarah had some tentative sort of thing where they kissed and talked and teased and were gentle and affectionate with one another, but mostly only ever when none of their friends were around.
It had started two and a half months ago, when all their friends ditched them on New Year’s Eve and sheer boredom caused them to spend the day together, wandering around Chapel Hill, getting high, swapping stories, and ending the night with a makeout session on Ward’s boat that was far more tender than anything JJ had ever experienced or expected from an interaction with Sarah.
It was the first time they had hung out without actively trying to kill the other, and it seemed that all they needed to get along was to not be completely sober and spend a good portion of the time with their tongues down each other’s throats. So. It was weird.
But his whole fucking life was weird at this point; he’s learned to just go with it.
Which is why he currently finds himself drunk and alone with Sarah Cameron, thighs and bare shoulders brushing as they sit with their feet in the backyard pool.
“That’s my room,” Sarah says with all the confidence of a drunk person who thinks what they’re saying is incredibly interesting, pointing to one of the windows on the second floor.
JJ responds with the curiosity of an equally drunk person who finds whatever someone else is saying just as fascinating. “Oh yeah?”
She hums, then her face screws up into a disgusted expression. “Right next to Jombee and Top’s room, though.”
JJ grimaces in empathy. “Gross.”
“They have so much sex.”
His grimace deepens. “I super don’t want to hear about it.”
She turns to JJ, eyes wide. “No, like, so much—”
“Yeah, nope, still would rather talk about anything else—”
“Like, it’s a lot.”
“Yep, thank you, thanks, that’s enough.” JJ sighs and chances a glance at her. Her eyes are bright with amusement, and she’s biting her lip to tamp down a smile. His heart somersaults in his chest. “Anything we can make fun of them for?”
Sarah laughs then and nods. “There’s a lot of ‘sir’s I hear moaned through the walls.”
“I always wondered if Topper’s daddy issues extended to the bedroom.”
“I think both of theirs does. Do. Does. Do.” She gives a decisive nod. “Do.”
“Doo-doo,” JJ whispers solemnly.
She laughs again and elbows him, then just sort of stays there, leaning into his side. He leans back into her and tries not to think about how nice and warm and right it feels.
“God, if you’re speaking from experience, I’m not sure I want to know,” JJ says. “Actually, I want to know. Did they call you sir in bed?”
“I wouldn’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I mean. Not with Topper, anyway. We never…” she trails off. “Makes sense, though. In retrospect. With him solely being into dudes and all.”
“Huh. You and John B?”
She shrugs. “Twice. Not enough times to get comfortable with one another’s kinks or whatever. The second time was pretty miserable anyway. We broke up a couple days after.”
“Wow,” he breathes. “But you guys were together for months.”
“Yeah, well.” Sarah shifts away from him, voice suddenly cold. “Not all of us fuck on the first date.”
“O-okay,” he says slowly. “I’m assuming that was a dig at me.”
“Good to see the alcohol hasn’t killed your few remaining brain cells.”
JJ takes a steadying breath, refusing to let the old yet familiar frustration that comes from dealing with Sarah rise. “But it would be wrong,” he continued. “I haven’t slept around all that much, if that’s what you’re implying.”
She raises a brow.
“OK, so maybe it’s been a bit more than ‘not all that much,’ but it’s still—”
Her face tells him she’s not impressed and isn’t buying this line one bit.
He rolls his eyes. “ Fine , I get around. Happy?”
Sarah laughs. “Delighted. How does it feel to tell the truth for once?”
JJ wrinkles his nose. “Disorienting. Not a fan. Will not be attempting it again.”
She smiles and turns away from him, lapsing into silence. She stares off into space for a while, contemplating. “I think that’s why they broke up with me.”
JJ’s brow furrows, unable to follow this thread of conversation. “What?”
“Topper. And John B. Well, mostly John B. I think he broke up with me because I don’t really like to have sex,” she confesses quietly. She looks down at her hands, starts fidgeting with them. Takes a deep breath. “Sometimes I think I do, but then we’d start and I just… I don’t. Not really. Not often.”
He doesn’t respond, lets the quiet settle around them, lets her have the space to process what she clearly needs to.
“I think something’s wrong with me,” Sarah says, voice watery.
“Hey,” he murmurs. He pulls her in closer and strokes her hair, kissing her temple. “There’s nothing wrong with you. If you don’t want to have sex, you don’t want to have sex. That’s not a big deal.”
She sniffles and gives a sharp, bitter laugh. “It is a big deal.”
“To some people, maybe,” he concedes.
“To most people.”
“Not to the right ones,” he counters, trying not to flinch away from her gaze when it meets his and all that he’s implying. Her face softens. “I don’t — we don’t need to do anything, Sarah. I’m fine if we don’t have sex.”
She scoffs a little, looks down at her hands fiddling with the hem of her shorts. “Sure you are, because you’ll just be getting it from somewhere else.”
He frowns. “I mean, I haven’t been.” He swears her neck must snap from how quickly she turns to look at him. “Not since we… You know. No one since then.” The It’s just been you goes unsaid, but they both hear it all the same.
“But I’ve seen you.” Sarah seems to regret it as soon as the words are out of her mouth, a slight flush coloring her cheeks at her admission to watching him. “At parties and stuff. You’re constantly chatting someone up and disappearing all of the sudden.”
JJ can’t help the smirk that tugs at his lips. “Doing a lot of watching me, Sarah Cameron?”
“Shut up,” she mutters, pushing his shoulder. “You’re avoiding the question.”
“Was there a question in there?”
“It was implied.”
“Tricky.” JJ shrugs. “I don’t know, the people can’t get enough of me, I guess. I’m a regular Casanova. A real smooth operator.”
Sarah scoffs. “A shameless flirt, you mean.”
“Why, that almost sounded like a compliment,” he says, batting his eyes at her.
“You’re delusional.”
“And I can talk a lot, which is your favorite thing about me.”
“Least favorite.”
He waves her correction away with his hand. “And I think the disappearing thing is just a coincidence. Probably off somewhere smoking.”
He doesn’t mention that he notices Sarah at those parties, too. Notices the way there’s always someone else sidled up next to her, eyeing her with interest, and that she doesn’t always wave them away. That he’s sure he’d look back over and see them making out, or worse, not there at all, so he avoids looking over, period. That he goes off somewhere to smoke so he’s not tempted to watch her with other people the entire night.
Sarah eyes him, but her disbelief seems to be wavering. “And that girl? From earlier this week? You two were getting pretty close at the bar the other night.”
JJ laughs. “I told you, I like to flirt. Nothing happened.” He considers her sullen expression, recalls how tetchy she was that night. The words slip out before he can think better of it, teasing. “Were you jealous?”
She scoffs and looks away. “Of her maybe.”
He tilts his head. “I always get so confused by that. If you’re jealous of someone, does that mean you wanted to be her or be me so you could be with her?”
“Be you so I could be with her,” she says confidently. Then frowns. “Or maybe that means I wanted to be her? Fuck, English is confusing. Whatever, I wanted to be the one with my tongue down her throat.”
“My tongue was nowhere near her throat.”
“Sure, cowboy.”
Cowboy? he mouths. He’s not convinced, but he’ll allow her this. The one time. “She was really hot, wasn’t she?”
“God, so hot,” Sarah whines, sulky mood vanishing. It prompts another laugh from JJ.
“That guy from yesterday? At the beach?” Recognition dawns on her face and she groans. JJ continues to be hopelessly amused. “His abs,” he sighs, “Christ.”
Sarah nods seriously. “I wanted to lick them.”
He turns to her suddenly, excited and still a bit drunk. “That’s what I thought, too!”
She eyes him for a moment, shocked, then the dam breaks and they both burst out laughing, leaning on each other more for support, shoulders shaking.
“God,” Sarah sighs when they’ve finally settled down into quiet chuckles. “It’s un-fucking-real how hot everyone here is.”
He laughs and hums in agreement.
“So… no one else, huh?”
He turns to her and gives her his most charming grin, elbowing her a little. “Yeah, don’t let it go to your head.”
She laughs and leans her head on his shoulder, snuggling in closer. He wraps an arm loosely around her waist. Just to steady her, not to keep her close to him for as long as possible. Obviously. “Wouldn’t dream of it,” she says.
They sit for a moment in contented silence, wrapped in each other and pleasantly warm despite the cool night breeze.
After what could be a few minutes or an hour, Sarah breaks their quiet bubble. “What was your first time like?”
JJ shrugs, still pressing her against his side. “Not terrible. Not all that great, either. Do you remember Jake Lewis?”
Sarah wrinkles her nose in distaste. “God, that tool ? You must’ve been out of your goddamn mind. The guy’s whole personality is being a douche.”
JJ gives a short laugh. “The absolute worst,” he agrees. “I was, though. Out of my mind, I mean.” The words come out before he can stop them, and he blames the copious amount of alcohol and weed he’s consumed tonight. He shifts a little, uncomfortable, and clears his throat. “It was a bit after my mom left. I wasn’t doing...great, exactly, and I had just realized I was also into guys, and Jake was like…there. We were both drunk as hell, and he finished first and almost immediately fell asleep. Great kisser, though.” He laughs again, this time with a self-deprecating edge to it, insides squirming under Sarah’s scrutiny as she stares at the side of his face. He glances down at her. “Kie would probably say it was self-sabotage.”
“Kie would probably say a lot of things,” Sarah mutters, eliciting a snort from JJ. She smiles at her hands, before it slowly fades as the truth of what JJ said sinks in. She frowns, then seems to make up her mind about something and says, determined, “You deserve good things, you know.”
He hums, almost dismissive in his response, and she looks up at him again and grabs his chin, forcing him to meet her gaze. Her eyes are blazing, her tone fierce as she continues. “You do,” she insists. “You deserve everything you want.”
JJ stares at her dumbly, begging any higher power out there who might be listening to keep his emotions just this once from flitting across his face. Hopes he’s not baring his heart with the way his eyes scan Sarah’s face, drinking in her stubborn expression. “You do, too,” he whispers.
They sit there, staring at each other, her hand still cradling his jaw and both of them looking like they’ve been slapped open, raw and exposed and incredibly vulnerable.
“Hey, JJ?” Sarah whispers, and JJ can barely get out an “Mmm?” with the way his breath is caught in his throat.
“Do me a favor?”
“What’s that?”
“Plug your nose,” she commands, and, without waiting for him to follow her instructions, promptly pushes him into the pool.
He surfaces, wiping the water from his face and shaking out his hair, sputtering. “You diabolical little shit,” he grins and lunges for her.
She tries to kick him away, shrieking and laughing, but he manages a firm grip on her ankle and drags her in.
Sarah lands with a splash, twisting to get free from his arms and immediately attempting to dunk him. They’re a convoluted tangle of limbs; one moment they’re trying to be as obnoxious as possible and splash the other directly in the face, and the next they’re kissing. JJ’s not sure who made the first move, and he honestly can’t bring himself to care when he has an armful of Sarah, her legs around his waist and both hands cradling his face like he’s something precious.
It’s softer and sweeter than they are normally, and JJ’s trying desperately to cling to the defenses he’s carefully built over the years, but they seem to be crumbling under Sarah’s careful ministrations, one hand in his hair and the other now wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him closer.
Somewhere along the way as they’re trading tender kisses, the tension between them builds into something more intense. It crackles down JJ’s spine, following Sarah’s hand as she trails down his back and around to the front of his torso and plays with the waistband of his trunks. His stomach clenches despite himself.
He grabs her hand in a much gentler grasp than he had grabbed her ankle only a few minutes prior and pulls it away from himself. JJ breaks the kiss, resting his forehead against Sarah’s. “Not tonight,” he murmurs.
She yanks back from his arms as though burned, and her voice is cold when she speaks. “Are you serious?”
“Uh,” JJ blinks, unsure what made her flip so quickly and so intensely, “yes?”
She scoffs and climbs out of the pool.
“Sorry? I — what. Why are you upset with me now?”
“I’m not,” is the clipped response.
“No.” He protracts the vowel and tilts his head in the sarcastic way he knows she hates. “No, you’re definitely angry about something,” he says as he follows suit and clambers out of the pool, significantly less gracefully.
She laughs, a short, hollow sound, her back still to him as he stands on the patio, drenched in chlorine and confusion. “I’m not angry , JJ. Get over yourself.”
“An impossible feat, as you love to remind me. I’m just not super clear on how I’m now the bad guy for stopping something you just said you didn’t want to happen—”
“I didn’t say that,” Sarah protests a little too loudly, finally spinning around to look at him.
“Really? It was, like, fifteen minutes ago? You said you’re not really into sex, and I said we didn’t have to have sex, and then — let me know if this is ringing any bells, now — you pushed me into the pool and made out with me—”
“Pretty sure the making out was mutual—”
“—and then grabbed my shorts like you wanted to have sex. Which, again — and I cannot stress this enough — is something you had just told me you didn’t want to do.” Sarah scoffs again, crossing her arms and resigning herself to JJ’s tirade. “And then I stopped you because, I don’t know if you remember, but you had made it clear sex isn’t really your thing—”
“Oh my God, yes, thank you, I get it—”
“—and you were very drunk — do you? Because it kinda feels like maybe you forgot—”
“—you think I’m a freak—”
“Those words literally never once came out of my mouth—”
“Oh, come off it, JJ,” Sarah explodes. “ You don’t want to have sex with me , just admit it.”
JJ can’t tell if a headache is blooming or if that’s his heart he feels pounding in his head. His stomach drops to his feet, and he speaks without really thinking it through. “You’re just angry because I stopped you about 90 seconds before you would’ve stopped us anyway.”
Sarah looks like she’s been slapped. “Fuck you, JJ.”
“Clearly, that’s never happening.”
Her face hardens and she shakes her head in disbelief before turning on her heel and heading inside. The guilt and shame immediately catch up to him and he rushes after her, reaching for her. Then he remembers what a terrible idea that is and snatches his hand back to his side, tries to use his words to get her to stop instead. “No, wait, I’m sorry — just, please — you were right, OK?” That makes her pause, just like he figured it would. “You were right,” he repeats.
She turns around and regards him coolly. “You don’t want to have sex with me.”
“Yes. And no.” She raises her brow, unamused. “It’s complicated.”
“Uncomplicate it.”
He sighs and drags his hand through her hair, a movement similar to what Sarah had just been doing a few minutes prior and it takes everything in him to ignore the pull in his gut at the thought. “It’s — can we sit?” he asks, desperate to put off his explanation for as long as humanly possible.
“No.”
“Fair enough,” he nods and props his hands on his waist. “Is it just me, or is it a little colder now—”
“Stop deflecting.”
JJ raises his hands in mock surrender and offers a little grin. “You got me.” She rolls her eyes and he clears his throat. He’s toeing the line, he knows. Probably one more antic before she gives up on him and this conversation entirely. “OK so the thing is. Here’s the thing. It’s like this—”
“JJ.”
“I’m trying , Sarah,” he frowns.
“We’ve already established that you’re not interested in anything more with me. Just say it so we can move on.”
“That’s not—” he breaks off with a sardonic laugh. “That’s the opposite of the problem, actually.”
Her entire body goes rigid, and he knows it’s because she’s very interested in what he’s saying and trying not to show it. He’s got her; she’ll stay and listen now.
He’s just not sure if he wants her to.
A heavy breath pushes past his lips. “I — God, do I actually have to say it?” At her glare, he continues. “Alright, Jesus. Fine. I’m not... not interested in anything more with you. Al right , fuck’s sake. I’m interested in something more with you, is that what you want to hear?”
She smirks, smug. “Well, I don’t not want to hear you say it.”
JJ rolls his eyes. “Very cute. Because I — yeah, good, that was a good one.”
“Thanks, I thought so,” Sarah agrees, still smirking. “So this something more—”
“Oh my God.”
“You’re talking about, what? Fucking? A relationship?”
“Oh my God,” he repeats, because it’s something that bears repeating. “I can’t believe you’re making me — this feels illegal, like entrapment or something.”
“Nope, not that at all.”
“I said or something ,” JJ pouts.
“So you were about to confess your undying love for me, I believe.”
“I don’t like how smug you’ve suddenly gotten. It’s very unsettling,” JJ complains blandly, hoping she can’t see the tip of his ears burning. The way that her smile widens makes him think she has. “Look, if you’re going to drag it out of me—”
“At knifepoint, if your account is to be believed.”
“Well, it doesn’t feel entirely inaccurate. The last time I talked about feelings was because John B and Pope literally tied me down and forced it out of me.”
“And yet I haven’t laid a hand on you. Maybe you’ve grown as a person?”
“Don’t be gross. The pain you inflict is emotional.”
“My anger is that intimidating, huh?”
“More like your disappointment is devastating. And irritating,” JJ adds quickly.
Sarah hums, eyes bright with amusement and something bordering affection instead of the anger that was just there. “Very interesting. We’ll circle back to that later. In the meantime…”
“God, what is it with you and making me actually say it? Can’t we just not talk about our feelings like civilized people?”
She quirks a brow and he huffs a sigh, already knowing what he’s supposed to say and fairly certain she won’t hate his guts for it, and in fact might welcome it, if her reaction so far is any indicator. Doesn’t make it any easier. “The truth is,” JJ starts, suddenly becoming serious. “Obviously, I want to have sex with you. I don’t know how I haven’t been, like, super fucking clear about that, but I do. But I also don’t want to, because it doesn’t seem to be what you want. Yet. Or maybe ever, and that’s okay, I’ll survive. And I’m not saying we don’t have to sleep together so that you’ll sleep with me because that’s, like, super twisted, actually, but—” he stops, catches himself before he keeps running his mouth and embarrasses himself even more. “You’re a good thing, Sarah,” he says softly, meeting her gaze. “One of the ones I don’t actually deserve.” He squares his shoulders. “But I’d like to. Deserve you, I mean. Or try to. If you’d let me. ”
Sarah’s quiet for a while, staring at him. JJ forces himself not to fidget, despite how much his skin is crawling in anticipation. Finally, she whispers, “I’d like that.”
He can’t help but grin. “Yeah?”
She nods, biting her lip again to hold back a smile before she can no longer resist and it bursts forth anyway. “Yeah.”
“OK.” He’s still grinning stupidly, staring at her, mesmerized, unable to drag his eyes away.
“OK,” she repeats, also smiling like a loon.
JJ finds the strength within himself to break their gaze and stare at his hands briefly. He clears his throat. “It’s late. We should probably—”
“Come to bed with me.”
His brow furrows. Didn’t they just decide that wasn’t a good idea tonight?
“Not like that,” Sarah explains. A teasing glint appears in her eyes. “Not to make passionate love since you’re, you know, in love with me or whatever—”
“Definitely never said that—”
“Just to sleep,” she concludes. “Plus, if I have to suffer through John B and Topper’s sex noises, I think it’s only fair you do, too.”
“This sounds less romantic and more like some twisted form of revenge.”
She shrugs. “Why not both?”
JJ chuckles and shakes his head. “And am I to sneak out before anyone else awakes?” he asks, affecting a slight and shitty British accent. “Keep your virtuous reputation intact, Princess?”
Sarah gives a mock curtsy, then a huff of laughter. “No,” she says, expression serious. “No, I’d like it if you stayed.”
He tries to not let his emotions overtake his entire face. It’s a much harder feat to accomplish while drunk off his ass. “Our friends will most likely notice. Nosy bastards.”
She heaves a deep sigh. “That’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.” Her attitude shifts, suddenly hesitant “If. I mean, if that’s something you’d—”
“Yeah,” he interrupts, unable to contain his sappy, soft smile. “Yeah, I’d like that.”
She nods once, subtly twirling the ends of her hair around her index finger. “OK.”
His grin widens as he steps closer. “OK.”
She ducks her head, a faint giggle escaping.
JJ steps back, extending his arm in the direction they should be going in. “After you, your Highness.”
Sarah walks in the direction of his arm, heading for the back door. “Thank you, dirty peasant,” she calls over her shoulder.
“Well, that was uncalled for,” he frowns, and follows obediently after her anyway.