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There’s only so much you can repress before it just spills out.
You can push all the negative emotions down all you want, but one little thing could make it all come pouring out.
Patton has a terrible habit of this, but in his opinion, for a good reason; he doesn’t want all the attention on him. He’d much rather pour all the love in his heart toward one of the others, than to himself.
All day long, he pushes it down; he’s not fooling anyone, they all know he’s falling apart on the inside. But they don’t dare mention it to him. What if he is actually feeling better, and bringing it up ruins his progress?
That’s what makes his current situation so troubling for him. It builds up all day long, and spills out every night.
Thomas had suffered several heartbreaks through his life, it wasn’t anything new to Patton. But this one far exceeded any breakup he had ever experienced.
Everyone around the Mindscape knows that when Thomas gets embarrassed in any way, Roman might need some extra care or attention – bruised ego, and all.
The same idea applies to Patton. He’s Thomas’ heart and emotions; when he’s heartbroken, it doesn’t matter how much ibuprofen he takes to ease the pain, how many journal entries he writes to just get the sad thoughts out, or how many tears he cries: it just won’t stop.
What he would give to be able to just move right now. His body ached from the constant sobs that wracked his body, his throat left raw and mouth dry from the deep gasps of air he tried to get into his lungs.
And although Patton had no heart of his own, being a metaphysical person, his chest hurt more than anything. His non-existent heart had shattered, and he felt it sink lower and lower as the grief got more intense with each passing minute.
Patton had a tight grip on his pillow, and leaned forward on his bed, burying his face into the soft pillowcase. He was holding onto it so hard that his fingers shook and he could swear the pillow would burst at the seams at any second, but he just couldn’t care.
All that crossed Patton’s mind were feelings of guilt, loss, and loneliness.
Guilt, for so many reasons.
What could Thomas have done differently? What did he do to warrant this? Why did he leave?
What did Thomas do wrong?
Above all… was Patton to blame?
Loss. Unshakable, unbelievable, heart-wrenching loss.
Patton was known for holding onto things, and not letting go; the discomfort of the unfamiliar and unknown was too much for him. He doesn’t like moving forward without the comfort of knowing that what was once his is still there. That’s what he hates most about break-up’s. It’s a sudden, unexpected cut, and he had no choice but to keep going forward without knowing what’s ahead, or who’s ahead. He grieves Thomas’ losses like no one else, and finds himself lost in them more often than he’d like to.
The loneliness is what most often consumed him.
They all handle break-up’s differently. Roman is hurt, sure, but likes to live in sweet, sweet denial; he thinks of beautiful stories in which Thomas and his ex reunite in a tearful admission of their feelings, and things could pick up where they left off, like nothing ever happened. Logan becomes too overwhelmed by the raw emotion hanging in the air of the Mindscape, and prefers staying in his room until things start to calm down. It’s not that he doesn’t care, he just isn’t equipped to handle what the others are. And Virgil finds himself in a constant loop of questions that won’t be answered; will Thomas ever have that again? What if he doesn’t? What if his ex moves on and finds someone new and Thomas just… doesn’t?
Patton doesn’t like the idea of overwhelming them with his feelings, they’re already dealing with enough. He wants to take care of them instead. He has no interest in being taken care of, himself.
And besides that, would the others think less of him if they knew that he was falling apart, night after night, and was too ashamed to say so because the thought of other people caring for him felt… wrong?
Patton glanced over at the clock on the wall through the tears blocking his vision and the thick fog that built up on his glasses. 2:18 am.
Looks like yet another sleepless night for Patton, so far.
More sobs shook his body as he grasped his shirt over the chest; he felt a cry stuck in his chest, which sent a sharp pain through his body as he fought to both push it down, but also let it out; he didn’t know which would feel better at this point.
“Yes, please let yourself choke on your own tears, I’ve heard that’s the key to overcoming a heartbreak,” he heard a coy voice say softly from above him.
Patton’s eyes slowly lifted to be greeted with Janus’, then quickly fell back down in embarrassment. He coughed slightly to clear up the pain (or, at least he thought that would help) and straightened his glasses.
“When did you get in here?” Patton croaked out, playing with his sleeves in his lap.
“Not long ago. It’s hard to sleep when my mouth is literally on fire from all the lying.”
“And how’d you know it was me?”
“Would you believe me if I said it was a lucky guess?”
“I probably won’t believe you regardless of what you say.”
Janus chuckled. “That’s fair, I suppose.” He held a hand out to the edge of the bed, silently asking Patton if he could sit, to which Patton waved a hand as a yes.
Janus sat down, crossing his legs and folding his hands in his lap before turning to Patton.
“Now, do you want to tell me what’s wrong, or am I about to spend the whole night watching you cry yourself a river?”
“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to,” Patton mumbled, slowly burying his face back in the pillow.
“Au, contraire, Patton,” Janus responded, pulling the pillow away. “I’m responsible for ensuring Thomas is doing okay in terms of his mental health; if the core of his emotions is suffering this much, isn’t it kind of my job to attend to that?”
“I thought your job was to be selfish,” Patton said, more aggressively than he would’ve liked to. He quickly ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Janus. I shouldn’t have said that, I just-”
Janus held up a hand, stopping Patton in the middle of his sentence; “It’s quite alright, Patton. You’re correct, I am selfish. And seeing as you tend to lead toward selflessness, this behavior isn’t shocking to me.”
Patton wiped at his eyes and sat up quickly, “What behavior?”
“Oh, you know, wallowing away in your own sadness instead of allowing the people who care about you to help. Take care of you.”
“I don’t need that.”
“Oh, right, I’m sorry. You were doing just great on your own, clearly,” Janus gestured toward the comforter, covered in used tissues and tear stains.
Patton’s head fell in shame as another sob escaped his body. Janus looked away for a moment, allowing Patton to try to regain his composure.
“W-why are you here, J-Janus?” Patton choked out, reaching for the tissue box which was just out of reach.
Janus grabbed it and held it out to the cyan side with a small smile. “I assure you, I’m here for completely selfish reasons,” he joked. “No, in all seriousness, everyone needs to be taken care of sometimes. You’ve proven you’re not the best at doing it for yourself, and seeing as self-care is my specialty, I believe I can be of some assistance.”
Patton thought for a second. He was already embarrassed, and Janus was right here, and at least acted like he sincerely wanted to help.
He nodded and moved over on the bed, allowing Janus room to lay down next to him.
“What’s on your mind?” he heard the snake say.
Patton hugged the pillow to his chest, again, and squeezed tightly. “It just hurts.”
“What hurts, sweetie?”
“Everything. It doesn’t stop.”
Janus nodded his head, prompting Patton to continue.
“I just… keep thinking about whether we did something wrong? And that’s why he left? Or, if there’s something else Thomas should’ve done, or if he should’ve done something better?” Or-”
“I know,” Janus interrupted. “It’s easy to get caught up in the could-haves, should-haves, and would haves. But I promise, it isn’t doing you, or Thomas, or anyone else, any good. Leave the overthinking to Virgil.”
“But-”
“Patton,” Janus interrupted again. “You can’t keep torturing yourself like this. I simply won’t allow it. When is the last time you slept?”
“I think the night before he left,” Patton’s voice cracked, starting a whole new wave of tears.
Janus sighed and reached over, pulling Patton into his chest. “Honey… that was a week ago,” he gently rubbed his hand up and down Patton’s back, while the other ran through his hair in an attempt to soothe him.
“I’m sorry,” Patton cried into his shirt, no doubt staining it.
“No need to apologize. But you do need to rest,” Janus reached down to pull the blanket over them both.
“Janus?”
“Yes?”
“Will this ever end?”
He sighed again as he hugged Patton closer. “Of course it will. It doesn’t seem like it, but it’ll be okay. I’ll make sure of it, personally.”
Patton nodded as Janus reached over to switch off the lamp on the night table. “Will you stay?”
Janus thought for a moment, before returning his hands to Patton’s head and his back before answering, “As long as you need me to.”
Patton wrapped an arm around Janus as they both slipped further between the blankets, and eventually drifted off to sleep, Patton’s cheeks drying for the first night in a week.