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Jeno runs his hands through his hair, sighing for the third time in the past two minutes. His hands remain on his head even after his hair has been thoroughly dishevelled, applying light pressure to either side of his skull whilst he squeezes his eyes shut in another futile attempt to stop the thoughts running through his head. The music he put on does little to drown them out either, why isn’t it working like it should be?
He doesn’t want to be like this. He wishes he could switch his brain off entirely, or perhaps even just think and function normally but he knows that’s too much to ask for. His life would never be that kind to him.
When it’s clear it isn’t working, Jeno stands up to start pacing the small room instead. He clenches his hands into fists by his sides, fearful of letting his thoughts take too much control and forcing his body to act them out. It’s not like this is an unfamiliar situation, it just happens much less frequently now. He thought he was managing to get his brain under control but apparently not. The idea of being defeated by his own mind terrifies him even more than the impulsive thoughts that are bouncing around his skull and send him sinking down to the floor by his bed.
He’d locked the door upon entering the room, after he’d escaped the kitchen where the others were cooking and laughing together - if he strains his ears he can still hear them talking faintly over the music. It grounds him slightly, reminding him that he’s not actually alone with his thoughts.
It isn’t long until those thoughts turn sour though, as he recalls watching Donghyuck as he sliced the meat for their dinner using their biggest kitchen knife. The rush of disgust that had ran through him as intrusive thoughts and impulses about grabbing the knife surrounded his mind, causing him to quickly vacate the room and dive straight into his bedroom in an attempt to calm himself down.
Logically speaking, he knows it’s not his fault. He’s been through this with his therapist three times a month for the last year. That still doesn’t stop him from feeling unbelievably ashamed of himself and his actions - how could he possibly think it was a good idea to continue living with the other members when he is surely such a danger to them.
He spirals, with thoughts of what might have happened if he hadn’t been working on his self-control fully taking over. Shutting his eyes doesn’t work, it just makes him picture vivid and horrifying things to match the scary intentions that had flooded his mind. He can feel his own breathing speed up as he sags back into the wall.
Suddenly some noise from outside of his room grabs his attention, and he’s grateful for the gap in the disturbing thoughts that allows him time to catch his breath. He tries to focus in on the noise, before realising that it was the sound of the front door closing. Relief washes over his body as the realisation of what that means sets in. It means Jaemin is finally home - he’ll know what to do.
———————————————————————————————————————————
Jaemin dumps his bag and shoes by the door as he heads into the kitchen, following the sounds of laughter and talking that echo through the halls. There is a gentle smile on his face as he greets his friends, but it doesn’t take long to turn into a frown as he notices the obvious absence. He turns to Renjun, a questioning look on his face over the heads of the others who are too busy laughing at something on Jisung’s phone to pay attention.
Renjun shakes his head softly before gesturing discreetly to the hallway leading to their rooms. It’s enough, almost like a practised signal created after multiple times of needing to have this exact silent conversation without any of the others noticing. Nodding almost imperceptibly, Jaemin takes a deep breath and heads down the hall. As he goes he hears Renjun telling Chenle to play some music, creating both a distraction and a noise barrier. It’s almost choreographed, each part of the process heavily familiar.
He knocks gently on the door, straining to hear any signs of noise on the other side. After his second attempt at knocking, he does hear some shuffling and the click of the door being unlocked from the inside. It doesn’t open though, so he gives it another few seconds before speaking.
“Jen, can I come in?”
Another pause, and then there is a quiet sound of agreement and he carefully pushes the handle. Opening the door reveals a very distressed looking Jeno standing in the centre of the room wringing his hands together as he stares absently at a spot on the carpet. He doesn’t look up at all, and only moves slightly as he breaths a sigh of relief when Jaemin enters and quickly locks the door again behind him.
As soon as the door is locked, Jaemin moves slowly over to Jeno’s bed where he sits down and opens his arms slightly towards Jeno. When his boyfriend glances up to monitor his movement, he can see unshed tears making his eyes all glassy. They stay like this for a few moments, Jaemin patiently waiting for Jeno to win the war with his own mind. Eventually, Jeno cautiously makes his way over, slotting himself in the space between Jaemin’s arms.
Moving as slowly and as gently as possible to avoid jostling Jeno out of his dazed state and making things worse, Jaemin pulls them both back so that they are lying down with Jeno’s head cushioned on his chest. He knows there is no point in speaking just yet, his boyfriend is pretty much non-verbal at this stage in an attack, so he just traces the skin of his back through his t-shirt and discreetly monitors his breathing.
It’s after a short while that Jeno tilts his head to stare up at Jaemin, whose hand has now made its way into his hair to stroke soothingly across the nape of his neck. As Jaemin looks down at the boy on his chest he makes note that his eyes don’t look nearly as dazed, but they are still shining with tears and there is a definite question in them.
“What do you need, baby?”
He knows there is a high chance he won’t even get an answer, but he has to try anyway to at least find out where Jeno’s head is at the moment. As expected, Jeno just furrows his eyebrows and lays his head back down on Jaemin’s chest, but this time his breathing seems more even.
Some more time passes before Jeno seems to get restless, so Jaemin sits them both back up with his back resting against the headboard and Jeno’s back resting against his chest. Soon enough, Jeno moves on his own to turn around in his arms so that he’s now sitting cross-legged in the v of Jaemin’s legs.
“Hi” Jaemin smiles at the alertness in Jeno’s eyes, watching as he swallows thickly before attempting to respond.
“thank you” Jeno’s voice sounds hoarse, despite only being unused for an hour or two at most, he quietly adds “I’m sorry”
“What on earth are you sorry for, you didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, you did everything exactly right, I’m so proud of you”
“W-what?”
“You did everything right, even though you were scared. That’s so brave, Jen”
“But I thought those…things. I thought really, really horrible things about Donghyuck and the knives and it was awful. What if I had been closer, what if I had grabbed it before I could control it? I could have hurt him, I could have hurt any of them…I could have hurt you” his voice breaks ever so slightly at the end of his rambling as he trails off, and Jaemin sees the tears forming again.
He brings his hand up to gently wipe them away, as Jeno’s eyes plead with him almost as if they’re begging for him to take the pain away. He would in an instant if that was even possible, but it's not so all he can do is level his own breathing before speaking.
“No, you shouldn’t dwell on that, remember? Let’s not think about that part, we know that is beyond our control. But what you can control, you did extremely well with, baby. You did everything you were supposed to, didn’t you? You left the room, you came somewhere safe to calm down. You even remembered to put your music on, Jen, I’m so proud of you and I’m so sorry I wasn’t here sooner”
Jeno’s eyes snap up frantically at this and his breathing picks up instantly as his hands grab onto Jaemin’s with considerably strength “No, you can’t be sorry! It was me, it’s my fault I shouldn’t be so dependent I should be able to handle it by myself. It’s my problem, I’m sorry for dragging you into it.”
“Okay-calm down, you’re okay, it’s okay” Jaemin tries to soothe his panic before it turns into a full blown attack, extracting his hands from Jeno’s rapidly loosening grip to card through his hair again “Neither of us should be sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have apologised and neither should you. Remember, we’re a team in this, alright?”
Jeno is searching his eyes for any trace of doubt, but all he finds is the measured calm that makes him feel so safe that the panic melts away as quickly as it came. Jaemin can tell he’s exhausted, and decides they’re done talking as he pulls them both back down onto the bed. As Jeno shuts his eyes and lets the calm wash over him, Jaemin hears him mumble something about being a team, making him smile as he too lets his eyes fall closed.