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Steve Rogers is not a normal man. He doesn’t have the urges others do, has no interest in losing his virginity, or kissing random girls. He likes the idea of having a partner, of snuggling up with someone, of trading intimate secrets, of wanting to kiss them—but there’s never been anyone he wanted that with.
He had hoped it was a defence mechanism, after all, what woman would be interested in a skinny asthmatic?
Now that he looks like this, and gets blatant attention, he’s been forced to recognize that it’s not.
For whatever reason, he’s just not interested in girls in that way, is not interested in anyone that way. He doesn’t look at anyone and feel his heart thud, and can’t even imagine having the urge to undress someone with his eyes. He’d like to feel that, had tried to convince himself that getting some experience would change his feelings.
But it didn’t. Instead, the few kisses he’s had over the years made him even more uncomfortable. They all felt wrong, like he was playing pretend, trying to be someone he’s not. He wants to be someone who wants that, but he’s just not.
When he said to Agent Carter he was waiting for the right partner, he wasn’t lying. He’s holding out hope that someday he will meet someone and feel that spark, that instant attraction he’s only ever read about.
Agent Carter is beautiful, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, and he can't seem to quit making a fool of himself in front of her. He’s never been this flustered by a woman before; never cared what they thought of him. But her opinion matters to him, and he wants her to think he’s smart, and capable, and confident. She is everything he's not, everything he wants to be.
He admires the hell out of her and warms a little every time she smiles at him. She makes him feel valued and important, and always seems to know just the right thing to say.
When Steve learns there might be something going on between Howard Stark and Peggy Carter it bothers him, and he can’t quite figure out why. He doesn't want her like that, he wants to be her friend, her confidant, wants to listen to her talk for hours and hours and get to know her better than anyone else does.
He likes when she looks at him. When he returns with the 107th there are so many eyes on him, but only one set that matters. He manages for the first time not to make a fool of himself around her, and he’s irrationally proud of that.
He cannot get enough of the way her eyes look him up and down then lock on his. Her eyes are gorgeous, her smile stunning and he doesn’t want to stop looking at her, wants to memorize every line of her face. He wants to draw her, like this, open and unguarded, in that way she seems to only reserve for him. He feels warm and cared for under her gaze. He knows she can easily hide her true feelings, but with him she never does.
When she comes to the bar in that red dress, she takes his breath away. His heart doesn't thud, he’s not seized by an urge to press her up against the bar and kiss her breathless, but he wants to get closer to her, unconsciously leans into her, and his focus narrows to only her. He hangs on every word she says, he wants to tell her how beautiful she looks, wants to hold her and have that dance, wants her to stay here with him forever, but he can’t seem to find the words, can’t do anything but stare.
Later that night he thinks about what it would have been like if she stayed, imagines caressing her cheek with his thumb, holding her hand, resting his arm on her shoulder. He wants to touch her, know her, feel her. He still doesn't have the urge to kiss her like he should, but he’s also never felt like this before. He enjoys the buzz of want, the longing to be subtly affectionate.
But then Private Lorraine has to go and kiss him.
It’s even worse than usual, it doesn’t just feel wrong because it's a kiss, it feels wrong because it’s not Peggy.
Naturally, she catches them. He doesn’t blame her at all for being upset, but he panics and all those bad feelings from the kiss, coupled with his own insecurity about his inadequacy as a partner lead him to hurdle his own accusation, one that he instantly regrets.
He tries to tell himself it’s for the best, that Peggy deserves more than a partner like him who only wants to cuddle up with her and talk.
It kills him that he hurt her, that he ruined whatever it was between them.
He apologizes time and again, but he can't quite explain what happened without airing his truth, and he doesn’t want to admit to anyone that he doesn't feel the way he should.
He starts keeping her picture in his compass.
He can’t explain it, he just wants to have her there. He looks at it far more often than he should, wonders what it could have been like if Private Lorraine hadn’t kissed him.
He dreams of talking to her, of taking her on dates, of holding her close in his arms and dancing, and of her kissing his cheek at the end of the night making him blush.
When she does talk to him he hangs on her every word. He watches her, is constantly amazed by her skill, her intellect and her compassion. The more he gets to know her the more he wants to know.
He wants to ask her for a hug before they go to take down Schmidt, wants that kiss on the cheek he keeps dreaming of, and to hold her hand in his. He wants a lot of things, but he lost his chance at that.
Then in the middle of battle, she saves him. Fierce, strong and incredible shot, she comes to his rescue. She has never looked more beautiful.
It hits him suddenly that he wants to kiss her. Now, in this moment, at the worst possible time, he longs to feel her lips on his, to know what it feels like to be kissed by Peggy Carter. He forgets everything, and she has to remind him of what they are doing.
He’s glad to be with her in the end, that she’s in this car with Colonel Phillips. So much has been left unsaid, and he doesn't think they’ll have the chance to say it.
He hopes she knows how special she is, wants to say something to her, but is too flummoxed, and can't afford to be distracted like earlier.
As soon as she says, “Wait,” the distraction is back, and then she kisses him, and it finally finally feels right.
Her lips are soft and warm, and that warmth seems to travel from her all through him. It’s over far too quickly, and as he stares back at her in wonder he can’t help but wish they had more time.
He’d like to know what it’s like to be with the right partner.