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toby knew long before ranboo ever got to the uk that he was a regretful christian. he knew for a fact that whatever little romance they had going on was going to be troubled by that fact, and he was absolutely certain it would be up there in their first arguments.
what he didn’t know, however, was just how bad it was going to be. ranboo admitted that he had a crush on toby, and they gently interlocked their hands by the beach. but, nothing else happened. every now and then, toby could rest his head on the other’s shoulder, but otherwise ranboo would get very uncomfortable or leave at any sort of move. strange for somebody who said all he wanted was toby.
understandably, toby was upset. he knew he needed to bring it up with ranboo, because if his parents taught him anything about relationships, it was that letting disagreements sit without discussion turned them into anger. he didn’t want to be angry. but, ranboo was putting the bible in between what toby knew would be something incredible and he didn’t want to let it slide through his fingers like sand.
“hey, boo,” toby started, carefully sitting next to the person in question on the couch. “so, can we talk?” ranboo looked up with fear all over his face.
“um, yeah. for sure, yeah. what’s up?” he said nervously, immediately bringing his fingers up to fiddle with them.
toby took a deep breath. “well, i just want to ask, um what are we?” ranboo’s breath hitched, but toby continued. “i mean, we said we both liked each other a lot, but when i try to so much as touch your hand, you pull away and get all uncomfortable. and i know you’d want to take things slow, but this is just ignoring everything and i don’t like it.”
ranboo sat back on the couch, head tilted back and hands over his face. “toby, i just can’t. i don’t know what to tell you, i thought you knew i can’t. they told me not to, i asked because i wanted to and they told me no.”
“woah, who is making these decisions for you?” toby asked, moving forward to place a hand on ranboo’s knee. ranboo flinched, but allowed it.
“my parents, the church, god, everyone. they said no. they said i can’t go home if i do. i want to, toby, i do. but i can’t. they’ll never understand why i’d choose you.” ranboo rambled, tears threatening to fall. “toby, i’ve never asked for somebody before. they were so excited until i told them you’re a boy. then they got all “i thought this was a phase!” on me and i couldn’t-“ ranboo finally broke. he let the tears fall and his head dropped forward into his hands. “i’m so sorry, toby. they told me i need to love him more and i won’t be welcome home if i love you.”
“fuck that, ranboo. you know they’re wrong and you know they’re just being homophobic pricks who want to control their son’s life.” toby said, rage bubbling in his stomach. “we could be amazing, boo. you know that. i know you’ve felt it too. what we have is near perfect, please ranboo. don’t give this up for some homophobic asshole with a fancy collar.” now toby was crying too, he wasn’t just being rejected by a person he likes, god was rejecting him for ranboo. toby couldn’t understand how ranboo cared this much about religion, and frankly he never wanted to.
“toby, i’m not ready to trade my family for you.”
“it wouldn’t be for me, it would be for you! i don’t care if in 6 months we have some
horrible breakup and you end up back in america, you would still be allowed to grow and be yourself and not whatever the fuck your mom wants you to be!” toby yelled. “sorry. didn’t mean to raise my voice.”
“i don’t think we’d ever break up if i got my shot with you, honestly.” ranboo murmured.
“this is your shot, ranboo. you know that, right? this is your chance and you’re passing it up for a god who doesn’t love you. and even if he does, he’ll never love you like me. you get that, right?” toby said, grabbing both of ranboo’s hands in his own and forcing them to make eye contact. “i love you, ranboo. and we can work through this but you have to want to.”
“i do want to, but i can’t.”
“that’s a load of shit and we both know it. i haven’t heard you say anything good about your parents in so long, boo. are you sure you want to let them hold you back? are they worth that much to you?” toby answered quickly, squeezing ranboo’s hands in his own.
“i mean, they let me come here,”ranboo mumbled, looking down at his feet.
“ranboo, you paid for everything. it would be weird if they didn’t,” toby continued. “i think you need some time alone to think about this. i know stepping away from your parents would be extremely difficult, but you also don’t know that their threats are serious. they may lighten up once they meet me in person, i am quite the charmer, you know,” he joked, finally pulling a smile out of ranboo. “i think it’s worth a shot, is all.”
ranboo pulled his hands away and placed one on toby’s cheek. they finally made eye contact in a less intimidating way, and ranboo gently stroked his thumb across his cheek. “i know what you want, and i want it too. i really do. but i need to figure out what will be best for the future and not just for right now. i need to at least get over my fears, you know?” he inhaled quickly, but pressed a feather light kiss to toby’s forehead. “i’ll figure something out, okay?” ranboo stood up and walked away, presumably to find something to say to his family. toby sat there dumbstruck with a hand pressed to his temple.
toby sighed and laid on his back across the couch. he heard ranboo begin speaking in the other room, he assumed to his parents. he didn’t want to hear anything before ranboo told him, however, so he just put in his earbuds and laid completely still.
“ i know every day
you’re thinking of me
i make it better
when you’re feeling lonely
you said no one will understand
you wish you could but you just can’t
so how many days?
how many nights?
til you realize
he’ll never love you like me. “