Chapter Text
It had not yet been six hours since Langa collapsed when Reki began to lose hope. He sat on a padded chair, staring at the ground with his eyes unfocused while he twisted his engagement ring around and around on his finger. He was in a hospital.
Hours before, after Langa collapsed, an ambulance quickly came. There was no proper hospital in Ishigaki, where they were staying, so he was swiftly flown overseas. However, he was also somewhat famous, a celebrity, even. Being a well-known model meant that he had high priority and he was flown to a top-notch hospital in Tokyo instead of one in Okinawa. The flight was a short one, and it was even shorter because it was a private plane. Langa didn't fly alone; Reki accompanied him and stayed by his side the entire time. Langa didn't regain consciousness on the flight, nor afterwards. Reki had contacted Nanako, Langa's mother, as soon as he could speak without breaking down, and she had left Okinawa as soon as she could. However, he hadn't been able to contact her before they took off, and so he could only call her once they had already landed in Tokyo. It was roughly a three-hour flight from Ishigaki to Tokyo, and a little less from Okinawa to Tokyo, and so by the time he called her it had already been a few hours since Langa collapsed. Sitting there, in the hospital, Reki wasn't just waiting for a doctor to come out and say that Langa was okay, he was also waiting for Nanako to burst into the room in a panic after running to the hospital. It was something that he was dreading, but that he knew was coming.
He clenched his hands together, the area of skin under where he had been turning his ring around red and sore from how long he had been doing it. The sound of people's muffled voices came from all around him, and he squeezed his eyes shut to try and block everything out. Just hours before, everything had been perfect. Just hours before, he could have never imagined where he'd be in the near future. A hospital wouldn't have been one of his guesses; he was sure of that. He looked up and around at the walls blankly, eyes dry. He had cried so much that he wasn't sure he would be able to again, but he could barely stop himself from tearing up when he thought about Langa. So, he tried not to think about him.
Instead, he thought about his mother, his sisters, anyone, desperately trying to get his fiancé out of his mind. But, without fail, Reki's mind wandered back to Langa. Eventually, he gave in and instead thought about the first time they met. Back then, everything had seemed simpler, and he smiled at the memory of Kaoru scolding him about not wearing a shirt. It was only then that he realised that he hadn't told Kaoru about anything that was happening; he had been distracted for good reason. Reki pulled out his phone, his hair falling in front of his face, and texted Kaoru quickly, letting him know what was happening. He tucked some of his hair behind his ear. I need a haircut, damn it. But before he could do anything else, someone burst into the room hurriedly.
He looked up to see Nanako, her hair wild and her eyes red.
"Reki? Reki, tell me what happened. Is he okay? Is there a doctor I can speak to? I just ran in to find you. I.. I can't lose my son as well as my husband," she rushed over to him, trying to hold back her tears. She was unsuccessful, however, because soon her cheeks were wet and shining. She seemed to be shaking slightly, and Reki looked away.
"He just.. collapsed. I don't know what happened, I'm.. I'm sorry," he said, tears that he swore would never fall suddenly sliding down his face, "There are doctors where you ran from. You.. should ask them."
"Thank you, thank you," Nanako said wildly, squeezing his arm for a second before running back out. Once she left, the silence seemed deafening, and Reki tugged at his hair anxiously. It seemed to weigh down on him, and he could only sit there quietly while he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs.
Reki wanted to talk to someone, but he knew he wouldn't be able to deal with talking to Nanako, and that he would only see Langa when he saw her, so he was lost on what to do. His phone buzzed from a message notification from Kaoru, and before he knew it, he was calling Kaoru. He just wanted to talk to someone, to try to distract himself. Maybe he wanted to escape, maybe he wanted to stay, but he just needed someone to be there. Kaoru had always been there for him, so who else could he call? Kaoru picked up the phone straight away.
"Reki," he said, adding nothing else. He was assessing the situation as well as Reki's feelings.
"Hi, Kaoru," Reki replied, his voice higher than usual.
"Do you.. want to talk about it..?" he asked, his tone soft and cautious, as if he was treading on eggshells. But he might as well have been.
"No."
He breathed out, "Okay. Have you eaten anything today? Have you drunk any water recently?"
"I ate breakfast, and I haven't eaten or anything since then," Reki rubbed his chin, relaxing into the conversation a little bit more as he spoke.
"You should get something to eat or drink, then. Is there a vending machine nearby?"
"I.. I think there's one on the ground floor.." Reki said, grateful that they were talking about something relatively normal. Without Kaoru to keep him grounded, he wasn't sure how he'd be able to cope with anything.. let alone the certain situation at hand. He, again, brushed over Langa in his mind, but quickly stopped himself.
"Go down and buy something, okay? Don't hang up on me, though. You might get lonely in the elevator and go crazy," Kaoru said with a laugh in his voice. Little did Reki know that actually, Kaoru was freaking out. He had no idea what had actually happened and was trying to stay calm for Reki. It seemed to be working. It was working.
Reki laughed softly, "Okay, I'll do that. If I get stuck in the elevator at least you'll be there, right? I think I have enough cash.. I should be fine."
He stood up, his limbs aching after hours of sitting down and waiting. For most of the time, he had also been hunched up, so it was relieving for him to finally stretch out his back when he stood up. Once up and ready to go, Reki navigated the building warily. He hadn't taken much notice of his surroundings when he entered, for obvious reasons, so everything was unfamiliar to him. Some things, like the flooring, remained the same throughout, and was the only thing convincing him that he was still in the hospital and not some alternate dimension. After going the wrong way more than a few times, he finally found the elevator and stepped inside.
"That took you a while," Kaoru laughed, "Hopefully you'll be able to find your way back."
"I'll probably just get lost again.." Reki admitted, pressing a few buttons in the elevator. The doors closed and the elevator began to descend. A soft song was playing through the speakers. He knew that their conversation wasn't very interesting, and that there were a thousand more interesting things to talk about, but was grateful nonetheless. Kaoru, on the other hand, wasn't sure how much he could talk about Langa. He didn't want to upset Reki, but he wanted to talk about something more engaging, otherwise the red-haired man would lose interest and think about what had happened. He decided not to mention Langa.
He started, "Reki, you should see if there's anything hot you can buy. Cold food is kind of unpleasant, don't you think?"
"I'll see, but I doubt it," Reki trailed off. After a little bit, he started speaking again, "How're you managing the parlour alone? Is it hard? I guess I might get back earlier than I thought I would, so I can help you then if you like.."
"It's okay, really. You don't need to do that. You'll be tired when you get back anyway, and it's not too bad handling it by myself.." Kaoru sighed, "Though, it would be nice to have more workers, I'll admit that. Honestly, I've been thinking about it for a while.. You've been with me since the start, Reki. You're not like a worker to me, not like someone I employ. I mean, the parlour wouldn't have been able to survive without you. I guess.. I'm asking if you'd like to.. co-own it with me? We get along well, I don't see any major problems coming up, and we could employ proper staff then. It would feel weird to employ other people now when you're still just a worker. I know.. I know it's a lot to be asking. Especially right now.."
The elevator came to a halt and the doors opened. Reki stepped out of it and into a long hallway. He thought about what Kaoru had said, and then answered, "You know, Kaoru.. I'd like that. I'd prefer that you still owned more than me, since it's your business, and you've paid for it all this time.. I'm.. happy that you asked. We could discuss it more when I get back?"
"That would be nice," Kaoru replied affirmatively, a wave of relief hitting him. It was something he had been thinking about for a while, so it was nice to get it off his chest. It was also nice that Reki seemed to be distracted from Langa for a while.
"I don't know which way to go.." Reki said, trailing off as he stood in the hallway hopelessly. There didn't seem to be anyone else about, so he couldn't ask anyone.
"Just keep walking, I guess. You'll have to find it in the end, right?"
"I guess you're right.." Reki pursed his lips and started walking in a random direction.
He wandered down countless corridors until he finally found a vending machine.
"Isn't this kind of weird to have in a hospital, though?" he asked.
"I guess," Kaoru replied without much emotion.
Reki looked at it for a while before he realised that it was actually broken. There was a small sign next to it saying that it was out of order. He sighed, "Dammit. I guess there might be other ones.. Kaoru, I should probably hang up. I've been keeping you too long. I'm sorry."
Whereas only a few minutes before, he had been feeling energetic, it wore off. His mood had plummeted. It wasn't too surprising, but he just couldn't keep up the act when it happened. He was drained. He hung up on Kaoru before he could say anything in protest. Reki leant against the wall and tears seemed to come out of nowhere. I was so happy. We were so happy. Why- Why did this have to happen? I thought he was okay. I thought he was fine. How could I talk to Kaoru like nothing happened? How could I do that when the first person I thought of when Langa collapsed was Kaoru? It's the same. It's the same thing but ten times worse. Langa was hiding the whole time. He was hiding something because he was too scared to open up to me about it, and it ended up like this. I'm so stupid. How could I let this happen? I don't know anything. I don't even know why he collapsed! If he dies, how can I face Nanako? Just looking at her reminds me of Langa. Everything.. Everything reminds me of him! He's slept in my flat. He's met my family. We've been through a lot together even though we barely knew each other!
Reki tugged at his hair. He tugged harder. Countless strands of red hair were clutched in his fists, but he couldn't stop. He'd always been self-destructive. The way he thought, how he dealt with strong emotions.. It was always hurting him. He didn't want to make a sound, didn't want to bother anyone. He just tore at his skin in silence, sinking slowly onto the ground in the dimly lit, deserted hospital hallway next to the vending machine. He rarely cut his nails, he would just bite them to keep them short, which meant they had jagged edges. Reki was only shocked out of his breakdown when he felt his skin being sliced open by his rough nail, and he looked at the trickle of blood coming out of it with bleary eyes. He took a deep breath in and tried to clear his mind. The truth was that while he had been open to Langa, talking about how self-destructive he was had never come up. I didn't want to put pressure on him. I did.. I did open up to him, but maybe I shouldn't have. I couldn't even talk about something that's a huge part of me, so of course.. Of course, he also didn't tell me everything. It was then that he realised for the first time that maybe they hadn't known each other that well at all. It felt like they did, but.. did they really?
Langa had proposed after not even a year of knowing each other, let alone dating. It all felt rushed.
"Did he.." Reki croaked out into the silence, "Did he know.. that it would end this way? Did he always know? Was that why he was so eager? So quick to do everything? Was something.. wrong the entire time? Why didn't he tell me? Why didn't he explain? God, Langa-"
He choked on Langa's name. It didn't feel like he deserved to say it.
He's going to die.
He's going to die, and I never even knew him like I thought I did.
Reki sat up after a while. Tears trickled down his face slowly, but he didn't seem to notice. He tried to think more positively. Langa's strong. There's no way he would have kept something from me unless he thought he could sort it out on his own. He wouldn't leave me on my own. He wouldn't dream of it. The doctors will say that he lived, that he's going to be okay.
He wiped away his tears and took a couple and shaky breaths. His eyes were red and raw, but he had hope. Hope that he hadn't had before.
Suddenly, the sound of someone running reached his ears, and a voice called out, "Reki! Reki, where are you?"
It was Nanako. Before Reki could collect himself anymore, she had spotted him.
She said in a shaky and out-of-breath voice, "I've been looking everywhere for you. I spoke to the doctors. They said they're doing all they can to save him, but.. he's weak. It could go either way. Even a strong will to live might.. might not save him."
"He's strong," Reki said in a wobbly voice, "We.. need to believe in him."
Before he knew what was happening, Nanako was crouching down in front of him with her arms around him. He breathed in her scent that was so similar to Langa's and couldn't control his emotions any longer. They both cried into each other, their emotions raw and real. After they both gradually stopped crying, they still stayed there hugging for a while. Reki's arms had crept around Nanako's body as well, so they were huddled together rather closely.
Nanako laughed softly, "I'm getting old, crouching down like this for so long is killing my ankles. I had to run from work, so I couldn't change out of my heels."
She stood up, untangling herself from Reki, and then held out her hand for him to take to help him stand up. He took her hand gratefully and stood up. Just as she had said, she was wearing heels. His eyes had become accustomed to the dim light, so he could make out large, red sores on the back of her ankles. He looked down at them, "Those look painful. Do you have plasters to put on them."
"No, normally I carry plasters, but I guess I forgot to take some this time or something.. They aren't too bad, though. I just need to find more comfortable shoes."
Reki rummaged in one of the pockets of his trousers, and brought out a few plasters, "Here, take it. You're going to rip your skin and start bleeding. Why don't you take off your shoes now? I doubt anyone is going to care.. If anyone even sees you at all, that is."
"Thank you, Reki," she said, taking the plasters and then taking her shoes off. After that, she bent down slightly unsteadily to put the plasters over the red, sore areas. She picked up her shoes with one hand and straightened up, moving her feet gingerly.
"..I don't really know how to get back," Reki admitted, "Do you know which way it is?"
"I think I can remember the way," she smiled at him, "I'll show you the way, follow me."
The two of them made their way back to the room Reki had been sitting in earlier, although it took a little longer because Nanako couldn't walk very well. The entire time, Reki had been trying to avoid looking at Nanako. Whenever he looked at her, he only saw Langa. So much about how they spoke and acted was similar, like their soft voices and the light in their eyes. However, he didn't want to seem rude and like he was being cold to her, so Reki eventually forced himself to look at her. She didn't look great. Honestly, neither did he. They had both been in horrible states for a long time, so it wasn't at all surprising. When they finally made it back to the room, they collapsed into the chairs that were in there. Reki began to look around the mainly empty room, wondering whether it was a waiting room or not. He didn't know but definitely knew that there were better things to be thinking about, so he pushed it out of his mind.
"Are they going to come here and update us on his condition?" Reki asked.
"Mm," Nanako nodded her head, "But only when there's a drastic change. Which basically just means they'll tell us whether he.. pulled through or not. I don't know how long it's going to me, but they're trying their best."
"I understand," Reki said. He didn't need to say more. Now, he was dreading, but also craving, a doctor to walk in. He wanted Langa to live, but what if the universe had other plans? How could Reki accept that?
He didn't know how much time passed where they were in that room, as there were no clocks, and he didn't particularly want to look at his phone because he knew Kaoru would be texting him like crazy. He had already powered it off anyway, so it would be a pain to turn it on again just to check the time. Without warning, someone entered the room. A doctor. Both Nanako and Reki snapped their heads up and looked at the doctor expectantly, but Reki soon averted his gaze slightly. He didn't want to see the look on the doctor's face if he said that Langa hadn't made it. It scared him more than anything else in the world. It had barely been a second since the doctor had come in, but Reki was already on the verge of tears.
The doctor spoke in a low voice, "He is in a stable condition, and resting. He's going to make it."
And just like that, Reki felt his world light up. He was okay. Langa's okay! He's okay! He's alive, and well, and he's going to be okay! Tears were rolling down his face before he knew what was happening, and they were tears of happiness. Nanako cried and cried, thanking the doctor over and over again, bowing deeply over and over again.
"Thank you," she sobbed, "You saved him, you saved my son."
The doctor spoke in a kind and slow tone, "Visiting hours are over, but he's stable enough for you to see him very soon if you would like to. We're making an exception. About his condition.. It seems that he has eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia. This led to organ failure amongst other things like hair loss, and extreme tiredness. Did either of you know about these issues, or were these hidden from you?"
Reki was still crying tears of joy because Langa lived but froze when he heard what the doctor said. Anorexia? Bulimia? He never.. He never told me. I never knew. If I had noticed, could this have been avoided? But Langa was alive. That was all that was important to him. Nanako, however, started talking. Her voice was a little unstable, but she spoke rather clearly.
"He doesn't have anorexia or bulimia. He.. He used to. He's a model, you see, and it was so stressful for him when he was modelling in Canada. He developed eating disorders and ended up in hospital. He.. nearly died that day. After that, he was determined to recover, and supported the idea of us moving away. He started to eat again, and he was improving, he was getting better.. When.. When we moved, he wanted to live completely separately from me, which I supported, because I thought he didn't need my supervision once he was already recovering. At.. At the start, he mentioned that his body was rejecting food, but eventually he said that the issue was solved. I.. I believed him. I believe in him, and I don't think he still has anorexia or bulimia. He was always trying to recover, and he's an adult, I didn't know what else to do but let him be more independent once he was stable enough."
"I see," the doctor said, "Well, recovery will be hard. But he is alive, and stable, and if he is willing to cooperate, I believe that he will make a full and healthy recovery. As I said before, if you would like to visit him, you can do so. Right now, he's getting washed and changed and put into his own, private room. That'll all be sorted out in about ten minutes. If you would rather not see him, that's also okay. As for discussions about the recovery process, that can be talked about at the later date once you are properly reunited with him."
Reki and Nanako spent a while hugging each other tightly, grateful that Langa had pulled through. It was a miracle.
Once they were more collected, the doctor led them outside into the hallway, and to the room where Langa was resting. To their surprise, when they entered, Langa was awake. Worn out, but awake. The red-haired man stepped outside to let Nanako talk with Langa first, since he was her son. The whole time, he was waiting anxiously for her to exit so that he could go in and be with his fiancé. Finally, she came out, her eyes red but her mouth smiling. She nodded slightly at Reki, telling him that he could go in. He thanked her and then went in, wanting to break into a run to get there faster. He didn't do that, of course.
Langa was sat in a hospital bed, propped up by some pillows. He looked more awake than when he had when Reki had first seen him, before Nanako talked to him. Reki rushed over to him and threw his arms around him.
"Idiot, I thought I lost you," he said softly, breathing in Langa's scent. The beating of his heart reassured Reki. He didn't notice the tears on his own face.
He felt a soft hand touch his cheek, and Langa spoke gently, "Don't worry, I'm right here."
Reki nodded tearily and said nothing, instead just savouring his warmth and voice. After a while, they parted, although Reki grasped one of Langa's hands. The blue-haired man turned to the side and stretched out his arm, taking an envelope from a small table by the hospital bed.
Langa pushed it into Reki's free hand, "This is for you. I gave it to my mom to give to you, but when she came in here just before, she gave it to me to give to you. You should read it."
"Okay.." he said slowly, taking the letter and dropping Langa's hand so that he could open it. He opened it, careful not to rip the paper, and took out what was inside. It was a letter. He unfolded it with caution and then started to read it.
Reki,
If you're reading this, I'm probably dead or in hospital. I'm sorry. For a long time, I had eating disorders because of working as a model. More specifically, anorexia and bulimia. I have been trying to recover for a long time, but my body rejects any food that I eat unless it's in very small quantities. I've written this letter over and over again, but I'm writing it again the day after I proposed. I feel terrible. I'm not good with words, or emotions, and I didn't want to hurt you. I'm confident that I can overcome this because I don't know what I'll do if I can't. I'm dying. I know I'm dying, but I want to believe that I'm not. I want to live a full, healthy life. I want to start over with you so that we can get to know each other properly, like normal couples do. But I'm scared there's not enough time. I'm weak, Reki. I'm so weak that I can't tell you what's happening. I've even been hiding this from my mom. I don't want to die without telling you the truth, so I told her to give this to you if something bad happened to me. She doesn't know what's in this letter, but I wrote one for her as well that's telling her the truth as well.
I've been trying. I've been trying for a long, long time. Every time I eat, I feel sick. I'm scared to go to the doctors, scared that they'll say I can't be saved. I will overcome this because I have to. I don't want it to be over. I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you. I'm sorry.
But I'll survive, won't I? Maybe you're reading the words of a dead man right now. Maybe not.
I rushed it all. I rushed our whole relationship because I'm scared that there's not enough time. If I die, then maybe in another life we can be together. Get to know each other as teenagers, go through things together. Things like arguments and normal teenager stuff, and not things like a rushed proposal because I think I'm going to die. But really, I can't accept that. I won't die. I won't. I can't accept it any other way. I don't know how to describe it. I'm trying to get better.
I hope our trip goes well. Ishigaki is nice, and you can see the stars at night. I'd like to go stargazing with you one day. I want to make you feel like the most special, the most loved, man in the universe, Reki.
I guess this could be a farewell note, couldn't it? If I'm gone. But it's okay, I'll live. I'll live for you. But maybe it's a goodbye. If it's a goodbye, then I'm sorry.
I hope that we meet again, in another life.
Langa.
Reki understood everything. As the letter progressed, there were more and more tear stains. However, when Reki looked up from the letter, Langa was holding the envelope and a pen. There was another line written on it in fresh ink.
Let's start over, from the beginning.
"Langa.."
"Reki. I'm bad with words. That letter.. took a long time to write. But I'm okay now. I want us to start over, to start from the beginning. Our whole relationship was rushed. We'll still be engaged, of course, but let's take it slow, right? Now we have all the time in the world," Langa smiled.
Reki felt his vision get blurry as tears began to swell in his eyes, and he said, "Yes. I'd like that. You know, you talk a lot more than you did when I met you."
"Do I?" Langa asked, "Maybe I just have a lot to say."
"Maybe you do," Reki whispered, taking his hand, "and I'll listen to everything you have to say until the day I die, no matter what."