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“I spent 100 years in a box at the bottom of the ocean and I’ve never been more miserable than when I'm with you fuckers,” Dio howled, hurling an empty wine bottle against the wall.
“Jesus Christ man we haven’t even started yet. How can you be such a drama queen?” Tooru said, before putting his earbuds back in.
Pucci made a mental note to tell Dio to clean that up later, rubbing his eyes. “Who left the wine cellar unlocked?” He asked, scanning the room. Kira looked like he would rather be anywhere else but was standing in Pucci’s periphery next to the whiteboard. Dio had sprawled out on a loveseat, throwing his limbs everywhere and really starting to push the limits of his Spanx. On the sofa next to him crowded Diavolo and Doppio - who despite being separated from Diavolo preferred to act like they were surgically attached anyways - and Valentine, making the couch look an unattractive shade of pepto bismol. Kars had dragged in a throne from God knows where and sat in it flanked by Esidisi and Wamuu. They had recently started allowing Tooru to associate with them after learning he was a rock human, and considered that the closest they would get to another pillar man and besides he was already better than Santana. The only person/vampire/rock/some kind of rock vampire abomination that wouldn’t meet Pucci’s eyes was Diavolo.
“Oh of course it was you, leave the door locked next time. This isn’t Italy youre not going to go around getting people addicted to things again Diavolo,” Pucci said.
“Why the fuck do you lock it anyway, we have stands. Dio can just break down the door if he wants to mope,” Diavolo retorted.
“He wouldn’t do that because he respects me!”
“Damn straight,” Dio's voice echoed from the cellar, before instantly appearing back in his chair with another bottle of wine.
“This isn’t what we’re here to talk about,” Kira interrupted, realizing that things were spiraling out of control faster than he already thought they would with all the egos in the room.
“What is so important that you’re all making me see the man who’s broken condom led to-” before Diavolo could finish he started screaming as one of the kitchen knives had suddenly appeared in his shoulder, “FUCK okay Jesus Christ!”
Pucci sighed, counting prime numbers under his breath as he made another mental note to get Dio to figure out some way to clean blood stains off of the white couch. He also lamented that he had thought everyone was responsible enough for them to have a white couch. “Kira and I brought you all here to talk about housework, because,” everyone started booing him, “Because none of you are pulling your weight around here - Tooru take out your earbuds - look at this place!”
The living room, dining room, and kitchen were all together on an open floor plan - because Diavolo had decided he needed to see threats from as many rooms as possible and also hey they were trendy for a reason - and were an absolute mess. Piles of broken glass, ceramic, other generic debris and whatever the fuck Killer Queen dragged in (Kira just hoped it was nothing that would rot) sat in every corner. One of the walls had a hole clean through it from when Doppio was chasing Tooru and his stand flipped out and threw the goddamn table and chairs at him until Doppio finally stopped. Every surface had blood stains from everyone’s numerous daily fights over one slight or another. Clusters of black feathers and various animal tracks were everywhere. The dishes piled precariously in the sink, a thin film of algae starting to cover them. Take out boxes filled the counters since the trash can had run out of room and all the cooking equipment was dirty, not like anyone but Kira and Pucci cooked for themselves often enough anyways. Dio had stolen all the knives just in case and wouldn't give them up. The place smelled like blood, bird shit, and desperation.
“Wait this isn’t what this place normally looks like, what the hell happened here?” Valentine asked.
Pucci slapped a large sheet of paper next to him, which was divided into rows by name. He pointed at the top two rows which were labeled Pucci and Kira and filled to the brim with gold star stickers. Every other row was empty, save for Kars who had one gold star. “Kira and I do all the work around here. We decided to stop for a while to see if you would help pick up the slack but none of you lifted a finger.”
“I think you’ll find that I helped,” Kars said, pointing and resisting the urge to turn his hand into something fuckin rad and intimidating like a small rodent.
“Kars that was months ago, when you accidentally flew into the gutters and cleaned out some of the leaves. We only counted it because Esidisi threatened to kill us if we didn’t. This whole chart was supposed to be for positive reinforcement. We would give you a gold star whenever you did something helpful, but it hasn’t worked out because all of you are so goddamn selfish.” Kira said, desperately avoiding looking at Kars’ hand because that would be kind of gay, even if it was objectively perfect.
“Right, so now we’re going to try something new. We made a chore wheel, that way everything is fair and everyone does every chore-”
“That sounds like Communism, Tooru told me that’s un-American.” Valentine interrupted, standing up and making his way towards the whiteboard, no way was he letting this meeting turn anti American.
“Why would you trust him? He's not American, he’s not even really human. Do you even know what Communism is? Sit back down,” Pucci said, moving to push Valentine back on the couch but not before Dio spoke up.
“I, Dio, was supposed to triumph over destiny, how could I be reduced to this.” He wailed.
“Triumph over the dishes first Dio. Anyways, if you’re all done, we plan to spin the wheel now and then move it one space every week or so, see?” There were two rings, the inner one which had a list of chores and the outer one filled with everyone’s names. It was very colorful and Pucci was unreasonably proud of it.
“And how are you gonna make us do anything? You can’t kill any of us, the rent’s too high.” Diavolo said smugly, and Doppio gave him a high five.
“If you don’t do your chores Kira is going to stop hiding his hand fetish and I will play Christian rap until you do them.” Everyone suppressed the urge to vomit. “May I spin the wheel now?”
“Holy shit you’re not playing around, Pucci, way to go.” Dio said.
“You know what? To show you we’re serious Kira, you spin the wheel.”
Kira nodded and reached into his suit jacket to pull out a severed hand. It’s nails were chipped and it annoyed Kira to no end, but he was pretty sure Dio had stolen his nail polish. He manoeuvred the hand to grab the wheel and spun it. It ticked ominously until Diavolo got fed up and did some King Crimson bullshit.
The results were:
Dio: mow the lawn
Kars: wash the dishes
Esidisi: trash and recycling
Wamuu: vacuuming
Kira: bathrooms
Doppio: laundry
Diavolo: grocery shopping
Pucci: water the plants
Valentine: clean up corpses
Tooru: dusting
Chaos broke out immediately. Diavolo said he refused to go out in public before turning to Doppio and warning him not to eat their tide pods, Kars said it wasn’t fair for him to do the dishes since he didn’t even really eat, Valentine complained that cleaning up Dios corpses was basically Pucci's job, Dio asked how he could mow the lawn when sunlight would kill him, Wamuu wondered what a vacuum was, and Tooru said dusting was useless which was quite frankly the only thing all of them agreed on. Pucci and Kira waited for everything to die down or for everyone to just actually die, whichever happened first.
Thankfully everyone settled down eventually without even trying to kill each other even once. “If you're going to complain, do it one at a time, you gave me a headache.” Kira said, “And raise your hands, don’t any of you have manners?”
Diavolo raised his hand, “Yeah, hey, why are both Doppio and I on the chore wheel? We’re the same person its not fair that we get two chores when everyone else gets one.”
“Shut up you had two souls or some shit, you’re two people now whatever you were before, get over yourselves.” Pucci said.
“Well then Doppio will do the shopping and the laundry.”
“Take some responsibility.”
“Why does it matter who does it? Its only the results that matter, and besides he does everything else for me.”
“Well, newsflash, none of you have servants or subordinates or fucking cultists anymore, you have to do everything with your own two hands. Get used to it,” Kira said, rubbing his temples.
“Bold words coming from you.” Diavolo sneered, and both Doppio and Valentine gave him high fives. Kira made an offended squeak and reflexively reached inside of his coat pocket.
“Anyone else?” Pucci asked.
Valentine raised his hand, “What if I use D4C to get another Valentine to do my chores?”
Pucci thought for a moment, “I suppose… it would still be you doing the chores. So that’s fine.”
“Oh that's BULLSHIT,” Diavolo screamed, jumping up to stab Pucci with the knife from his shoulder and ending up sitting down on the couch. Again. And then again. “Dio you BITCH STOP IT!”
“You stop it, you're interrupting me while I'm thinking.” Dio was concerned. He didn’t want to disappoint Pucci, but he had no idea how he would manage to mow the lawn without dying.
“Who’s the soul expert here Diavolo? I’m a priest. I know souls, you and Doppio are different, every Valentine is the same piece of shit as before.”
“Hey, that's rude. You're American right? How could you say that to a former president?”
“You were never president.”
“I have half a mind to bring Diego back here so you all stop gaslighting me.”
“Gaslighting you? You don't go on the internet- oh goddamnit Tooru stop teaching him this shit it's unbearable.” Pucci waited for a response from Tooru, but there was none as he had fallen asleep and gone back into rock mode or whatever and would only be back to tell Valentine the Twitter discourse in three months. “How can you try and avoid your responsibilities that badly? Kars can you move him into the backyard?”
Kars waved his hand dismissively, “Esidisi tell Wamuu to move Tooru into the backyard.”
Esidisi nodded, “Wamuu throw Tooru into the yard.”
“Yes Lord Esidisi” Wamuu nodded and then fucking chucked Tooru into the yard, putting another hole in the wall.
“What the fuck is wrong with you people?” Kira screamed, the weight of every restless night he had since he met these freaks finally weighing on him.
“Aha! I, Dio, shall mow the lawn at night!” Dio shouted, finally completing a thought for once and not a thot and Kira jumped for his jugular like a rabid animal.