Chapter Text
It all started a day earlier, when Tooru sent Dio a picture of Sonic captioned “Alone on a Friday night? God how pathetic.”
“Pucci, what is this?”
“That’s Sonic,” Pucci replied, shoving Dio’s phone out of his face.
“I know that! What does that little shit think he’s doing?”
“Go ask him yourself.”
“I, Dio, won’t stand for this!”
“If you attack him you’re going to destroy the house. Now please Dio, I’m busy,” Pucci said, turning back to his laptop where he was in fact quite busy pirating Jeopardy episodes for his weekly Jeopardy night.
“Pucci we’re going clubbing tomorrow.”
“Absolutely not.”
“Well, I’m not going alone, I'm going to show Tooru who's pathetic.”
“You do that.”
On Saturday night, the house was in an uproar. There was makeup scattered everywhere and too much Gucci shit for people who constantly paid the rent two weeks late. Tooru joined immediately, satisfied that he was able to stir up shit with so little effort and waiting to see the disastrous outcome. Especially since he had gotten almost the whole house into the group. He had gotten Doppio on board because it sounded fun, but only if Diavolo had to come too. Kira complained that he needed a quiet night for fucking once, but joined when Tooru said he’d buy Kira’s all of drinks since, let's be honest, he needed them. Valentine joined because he could not deal with another Jeopardy night with “fake history.”
Pucci and all three of the pillar men were, of course, busy getting ready for the intellectual bloodsport that was Jeopardy.
“So what started this anyways?” Doppio asked.
“Dio got rejected by Hol Horse and is rebounding again, I assume,” Diavolo responded, smearing on an ungodly amount of lipstick.
“I don’t get rejected!” Dio screamed, smearing his eyeliner in a rage.
“Dio I keep telling you, Hol Horse is straight,” Pucci said.
“He is not! Valentine told me all cowboys are gay.”
“Just because Valentine’s cowboys were gay doesn’t mean all of them are.”
“I’m already regretting this. I’ll be in the car when you people are finally ready.” Kira interrupted, slamming the door on his way out.
“God that guy sucks.” Dio said.
“Right? And also all cowboys are gay.” Valentine said.
“We have to uninvite him. Did you see he’s still wearing a suit? What the fuck. He’s gonna cramp our style.” Diavolo said.
“Your whole thing is not being seen and heard Diavolo so shut the fuck up,” Dio snapped.
Pucci sighed as he heard Dio and Diavolo start wailing on each other behind him, knowing he was going to have to deal with them putting their makeup on all over again before he could finally be free.
Two hours later the group finally clambered into their communal minivan. Pucci had volunteered to drive them there and back because he wasn’t going to traumatize some poor Uber driver with these clowns. And it avoided another fight over who was driving, even though legally the only person who could was Kira. Pucci knew he wasn’t going to get a thank you from anyone, which was the worst part. But being one chauffeur job away from Alex Trebek’s sweet face, which was maybe the Heaven Pucci had been seeking all along, was the only thing keeping him sane. The ride over was quiet. Pucci played no music (another fight avoided) and everyone was using their stand telepathy to talk shit about Kira (fight avoided due to finding the one thing they could agree on). It wasn’t until Pucci parked that the trouble started.
“Pucci I think you made a mistake with the directions, this is quite obviously, well, a gay bar.” Kira said.
“Kira stop being homophobic.” Dio snarled, turning around from the shotgun seat next to Pucci and stabbing Kira with one of his clawed fingers.
“That’s not what I-”
“Don’t worry Kira, there'll be plenty of straight women for you.” Diavolo said.
“That’s not the problem-”
“Boss, is that a good idea? He’ll probably kill them and ruin the vibe.”
“So would Dio.”
“Yeah but Kira will be weird about it.”
“Good point.”
“Can you shut up and stop talking to yourself? I’m trying to explain myself here!” Kira screamed.
“Okay Kira, how are you not being homophobic right now?” Tooru said.
“Well, aren’t the Joestars all gay?!”
“Yes but they’re also pathetic, so they’ll be the ones alone on a Friday night,” Dio said, more smugly than usual, which was an accomplishment.
“What does that mean?”
“Can you please get out of the fucking car ?” Pucci snapped, slamming his hand down on the horn.