Chapter Text
Doppio and Diego stared at the two of them as they brushed past the bouncer despite his cries of “Sir! You can’t let a child in there!” which stopped as soon as Jotaro glowered at the man. The two of them walked into the bar.
“So anyways, this is how things go every time?” Diego asked.
“Pretty much,” Doppio shrugged, “Are horses as scary up close as they look?”
“What?”
Once they were inside the bar, Jotaro and Shizuka were greeted with absolute chaos. On one side of the bar the windows were broken and glass had shattered everywhere. Hermes was lifting F.F. on her shoulders and the two of them were trying to put torn pride flags back up unsuccessfully. The other side of the bar was covered in spilled drinks and was possibly the biggest fire hazard in existence. Tables, chairs, and stools were scattered everywhere. Some people were trying to ignore everything that had gone on and had accepted that this was what cool bars did now. Look like actual shit and have fights break out every five minutes because of obscure grudges.
Jotaro was getting ready to go reprimand Jolyne when Dio stumbled blindly into him. Dio hissed and started reaching for Jotaro’s face, slapping his hands around trying to figure out who he stumbled into and how to insult them. Jotaro wanted to die but murder was already bad and murdering someone in front of your twelve year old aunt was especially bad. When Dio finally reached Jotaro’s hat he screamed. “The World! Stop time!” Dio fumbled for his phone and pushed Jotaro away.
Jotaro rolled his eyes as he stopped time as well to make sure he didn’t accidentally dislocate Shizuka’s shoulder. “Dio. That won’t work. I can still see you if you’re planning to run.”
“Shut up Jotaro. I never run. That’s for cowards and Joestars.”
Jotaro could feel himself slowing down, goddamn being out of practice stopping time, “Whatever. But when you ‘retreat’ I’ll be there to beat your ass.”
Dio started running towards the back of the bar, hoping to find some good human shields to buy time to get the getaway car over there. Time resumed as Dio fell behind the bar and grabbed who he hoped was Tiziano, since his stand was practically useless. Thankfully, Pucci was on speed dial. Dio would need to get this call over with quickly, as Jotaro was already on his way.
By the bathrooms, Kira was also finding out that he wanted to leave as soon as possible. Josuke and Okuyasu were yelling something that wasn’t important enough to listen to. The threat of an imminent beatdown wasn’t as bad as the déjà vu Kira was feeling. Maybe Bites the Dust had some side effects. Maybe he should still use it to get the past miserable hour back. Was that how it worked or would it be set to reset the next hour. Kira couldn’t remember and the alcohol wasn’t helping. He was still trying to figure it out when Josuke punched him and he fell on his ass. Josuke and Okuyasu shared a romantic high five. Kira groaned and I don’t know, probably coughed up some blood because that’s what happens in every Jojo’s fight.
“This has been the worst night of my life, I shouldn’t have listened to Tooru,” Kira mumbled.
“Shut up, asshole!” Okuyasu yelled.
“Wait, is Tooru the reason you’re all here?” Yasuho asked.
“Yes. He’s an asshole,” Kira said, and pointed at Gappy, “Fuck you for introducing him, sailor boy.”
“Hey! I didn’t do anything! And if Josuke’s punching you that means you’re Kira. These are your clothes!”
“Of course I would run into both of you. Wait. The the other me is a sailor ? How can you have a good night’s sleep on a boat?”
Gappy shrugged, “If you can, I don’t remember how to.”
“Why did I have to run into every goddamn Joestar? I’ve seen the cowboy one staring at me and laughing all night. He and his friend are so loud ! And stupid!”
“Should we like… tie him up or something?” Okuyasu asked.
“I don’t know. Last time, everything was kind of solved for us,” Josuke replied.
“Nijimura… Give me back my cat,” Kira said, changing the subject before anyone could wonder if the Jojo villains have actually died or not.
“Huh?”
“Please just give me back my cat. I think Killer Queen is lonely, they keep biting me. And it hurts, hurts like fuck. Give me back my cat’s stomach cat.”
“Killer Queen… kept a cat in it’s stomach?” Gappy asked. Josuke and Okuyasu nodded. “I wonder if Soft and Wet can do that.” Gappy brought out his Stand and inspected it. “Holy shit! It can!”
“I don’t want to fight but I can’t keep living like this, Nijimura. Give me back my cat,” Kira continued.
“No way! Stray Cat likes me more than they ever liked you!”
“Fine then. Killer Queen!” Kira summoned the best Stand. Killer Queen crouched next to Kira and stared at him for a moment before biting his hand. “Fuck! Stop that! Go explode something!”
Killer Queen looked up and noticed Gappy. Josuke and Okuyasu readied their Stands, but Gappy waved at them to stop. Killer Queen and Gappy stared blankly at each other. Slowly, Killer Queen brought their face closer to Gappy’s and started rubbing against it. It could have been really cute but Killer Queen can’t emote. They just stood there rubbing against Gappy’s face emotionlessly and it creeped everyone else out. Killer Queen would have purred if they could, but it probably would sound hellish anyways, so everyone was thankful they didn’t.
“Traitor!” Kira screamed. He needed the arrow back so he could make some kind of spray bottle Stand user to fix this.
“I don’t think he’s gonna be a threat,” Gappy said and hesitantly reached out to pat Killer Queen on their immaterial head.
While Gappy was distracted trying to figure out if he could store snacks in his stand, Dio regained his sight. Just in time to see Jotaro barrelling down on him. Dio had already finished his call and help was on the way, he just needed to hold out. It was then Dio noticed he was holding the wrong gay Italian bartender. Squalo was definitely asking Giorno for a raise after all this bullshit.
“Dio, let me go. We both know you’re covered in alcohol right now. And if you try to go for Tiziano I’ll kill you,” Squalo said. Jotaro stared at them from the other side of the bar, one fist raised and the other hand completely invisible.
“Fuck! Fine,” Dio shouted, letting Squalo go and hopping back over the bar counter. “You barely won last time, Jotaro! Don’t think you’ll beat me again.”
“Oh, you’re approaching me?”
“I can’t rip you apart if I don’t.”
“Then come as close as you’d like,” Jotaro said, smirking.
“Oh, fuck off.”
Once they were in range of each other, it wasn’t either Dio or Jotaro who made the first move, but Shizuka. She stomped on one of Dio’s elf clown shoes with all the rage of a twelve year old girl, which is a lot by the way she probably broke some bones. You go girl. “What the fuck?! Don’t tell me Star Platinum is invisible now too?”
Jotaro cracked another smile, “Yeah he is.” Shizuka was getting ice cream for dinner next time he was babysitting for that.
Above everyone, a sparrow flew down from the second floor and settled in one of the rafters. It hopped around and chirped for a bit before transforming back into a smoke detector. One that was already set off and blaring an ear shattering tone. In a couple of minutes, the smoke alarm got all the normal patrons out, everyone else felt compelled to help or reserve front row seats to a good old fashioned arson. They all paused and turned to look for the sound of the noise, noticing that nothing was on fire. This time they were looking up and noticed a second, larger bird fly into the rafters and retrieve the smoke detector. It flew back to the steps leading up to the second floor and suddenly all eyes were on Giorno. He’s wearing hot pink to piss off the manga stans. Gold Experience came out and smashed the smoke detector to pieces, which Giorno promptly dropped on the floor so he could clasp his hands together, menacingly. “Now, will somebody tell me what the fuck happened here?” Giorno asked, looking around at the trashed bar. Everyone pointed fingers at somebody else. Giorno sighed and surveyed the scene. “Who broke the window?” He started, trying to focus on the most obvious damage.
“Valentine…’s body,” Jolyne mumbled.
“You threw a man through the window?”
“If you saw him you would have done it too.”
“Is Valentine okay?”
“Probably?”
“Did all of you get in fights? Is that why the place looks like this?” Everyone nodded, some a little sheepishly and some shrugging. “Are you about to start another fight?” Giorno asked, looking at Dio and Jotaro. Jotaro shrugged slightly. “I’ll take that as a yes. Why are you fighting?”
“I don’t know if Dio’s done anything, but he will,” Jotaro said.
“He was flirting with my sister!” Both Josukes yelled helpfully.
“That’s not a crime. Besides, she had hair arrows… hairrows. She wasn’t worth all this,” Dio said. Hato would have been offended if she was paying attention.
“There will be no more fighting here,” Giorno said.
“Thanks, kid.”
“This isn’t for you, father. I don’t want a murder to happen on my property and I know all of you are two seconds away from committing one at any given time. I’m closing the bar down for the night. Everyone please exit without beating up the person next to you. Josuke, Okuyasu, you stay until you help me fix everything.” Everyone groaned and started shuffling out. Giorno came down the stairs and stood by the door, making sure no one took this as an opportunity to get a few punches in. Apparently, someone had called the fire department, and the sidewalk outside was awash in red and white lights. Kira felt like vomiting. Right on time, Pucci pulled up in the minivan and laid his hand on the horn, leaving it blaring for as long as possible.
The various Joestars, their friends and partners, and their enemies stood around the front of the Four Roads bar saying their goodbyes. The Four Roads bar was named for the four places it bordered. Florida, Italy, Egypt, and Morioh, with another Morioh on top of the first one both superimposed like an image and also literally on top like a bunk bed. It’s called non euclidean architecture and it makes me really smart and cool. So does stealing all my jokes from The Simpsons. Giorno also made sure to include the number four in the name so he could come here when he was tired of Mista being aggressively heterosexual.
Soon Giorno was only left with the headache of dealing with all the villains plus Josuke and Okuyasu. As well as the fire department, but they don’t have Stands, they don’t matter. Pucci was still impatiently blaring on the horn. The reason they were taking forever to leave was because of Diavolo and Valentine. Neither of them were conscious and no one wanted to help move them into the van.
“Giorno? Can you stop the death loop for a minute? Just so he’s easier to move?” Doppio asked, panting. Dragging Diavolo around was taking it out of him, with his part five muscles. Giorno snapped his fingers and Diavolo woke up, sceaming. “Ah! Thank you! Come on, boss, get up. You can scream in the car,” Doppio said, helping an unsteady Diavolo back on his feet. Diavolo clawed and Doppio’s face and tried to tell him to fuck off inbetween incomprehensible screaming. “Oh, haha, boss! It’s okay, it’s me Doppio! I’m here to help, we’ll get away soon,” Doppio said on his way to the minivan, trying his best to calm Diavolo down.
“Don’t invite him here again,” Giorno said gravely, glaring at Dio.
“We still have Valentine to worry about,” Diego said, poking at Valentine with his boot, “You got something for waking him up too?”
Giorno knelt down and examined Valentine. He put two fingers on Valentine’s neck and felt for a pulse. “This man is dead.”
“What?!” Diego screamed. Everyone else was elated. “What… What am I going to do? I’m not supposed to be here. Valentine was supposed to take me back.”
Tooru put a hand on Diego’s shoulder, “We have an extra room now. It’s full of antiques, though, more of an American History Museum than a bedroom, honestly.”
“You don’t understand! In my universe I own Manhattan! How am I going to get back? When am I going to see Hot Pants again?”
“Just wait until the Fourth of July, he’ll probably come back around then. As for your pants situation, fashion has evolved a lot since Valentine’s time. You should be grateful, really,” Dio said, the subtext being holy shit why would an alternate version of me ever wear that sweater?
“I’ll get someone to handle the issues with the body. Please do not commit another murder on my property in the future. If I don’t just ban you all,” Giorno said.
Diego shuffled towards the minivan, trying his best not to cry. Kira sat in the backseat and resigned himself to his guaranteed hangover. On his way out, Dio tried to pat Giorno on the head. Giorno slapped his hand away. Tooru had never been more entertained in his life.
We’re wrapping everything up this way because there’s too many characters. Picture a slideshow of headshot photos like you’re back at a high school assembly or scrolling through an aspiring actor’s Twitter. Turn on your favorite 80s movie montage music here for the best effect.
Anasui never rejoined the polycule.
F.F. completed their living PokeDex. God help us if they ever learn about shinies.
Jolyne eavesdropped on Diego and Doppio and is now trying to figure out a way to recruit Hot Pants for the polycule like she’s playing Fire Emblem.
Hermes loves her partners very much but is excited for the prospect of a new pink partner who Jolyne promises is Anasui but better and wearing more clothes.
Weather Report was a bad babysitter. He doesn’t know how to cook so he just gave Emporio chocolate for dinner and let him stay up late watching scary ghost movies.
Shizuka still never got a line of dialogue.
Gyro and Johnny enjoyed their mozzarella sticks. Then their gorgonzola sticks.
Okuyasu and Josuke singlehandedly made gay marriage legal in Japan.
Somewhere in all this, Hato got Kira’s number. At Josuke’s request, Daiya stole that memory from Hato using her Stand. Yasuho used Paisley Park to set Hato’s Tinder profile to show women only. Hato has not noticed this.
Caesar got kicked out of Olive Garden for smoking. Joseph enjoyed his senior discount at a leisurely pace.
Dio crawled back to Vanilla Ice. Diego started crying again because Valentine had the room next to Dio’s.
Everyone continues to ask Jotaro who he’s dating. Jotaro is still single.
Killer Queen is enjoying being a sentient Stand now. Kira has invested in many scratching poles. They don’t help.
Diavolo is busy planning revenge against Dio. Doppio is unhelpful but tries his best.
Pucci gets in many internet arguments about who should be the next Jeopardy host. And yes, his vote is for LeVar Burton.
Squalo is now even more Anglophobic.
Kars and Esidisi continue to ignore Santana’s existence in favor of their new son Tooru.
Wamuu thinks Tooru wears too many clothes to be his new brother.
Giorno went back upstairs to continue underage drinking and watching Narancia play Fortnite. Narancia has still never won a game of Fortnite.
Hol Horse is still straight.
And Tooru had a great time.