Work Text:
Hey there now
Where'd you go
You left me here
So unexpected
“Where is she?” Bucky sits on the couch beside Steve, he has his head leaning on the back of the couch, looking at Steve with serious eyes. For the past half hour, he’s been fidgeting and frowning, a tell tale sign he’s in deep thought about something. Steve had anticipated the question since the battle ended, but he isn’t prepared for it when Bucky finally asks.
“Bucky-” He starts, not sure what to say. He wants to protect Bucky from the hurt he knows will come along with this. He just got Bucky back, he wouldn’t mind more than a couple days to catch their breath before telling Bucky about everything they lost.
“Where is she, Steve?” Bucky repeats himself. His brows are furrowed, but his voice is calm. He doesn’t seem to suspect anything, which breaks Steve’s heart even more. The absence of her on the battlefield was something everyone felt. It left a tightness in his stomach that still hasn’t budged.
“Bucky, it’s not-” Steve doesn’t want to burst the bubble. He’s lost too much already; he just wants to pretend for a little while longer while he rides on the high of getting Bucky back.
“I’m gonna ask you one last time. Where is she?” Bucky’s getting impatient, but he sounds more like he’s expecting Steve to say she’s downstairs than worrying about her. He lifts his head, turning his body to face Steve.
“She’s not here.” Steve says. It’s truer than he wants it to be. She’s on another planet. Or at least her body is, who knows where her soul is. Maybe it just disappeared. Her energy released back into the universe, ready to become something else.
“But everyone’s here.” Bucky questions with a small smile, shrugging his shoulders. “She should be here too. Didn’t you spend five years with her trying to get us back?”
“We did.” Steve struggles to keep the pain out of his voice. Nat tried for five years. She never lost hope, she never broke, and she never stopped crying or hurting. She knew the risks when they travelled through time. It’s a miracle it went as well as it did. But she never got to see the plan succeed. She doesn’t know that it worked.
“Then why is she not here getting us back?” The equation doesn’t add up, and the worry spreads over Bucky’s face.
“She couldn’t be here, Buck.” Steve forces his voice to stay calm and collected. She got her best friend back; she gave Steve the love of his life back. They couldn’t have done it without her, but Bucky is right, she should be here. An array of emotions passes over Bucky’s face. He realizes something is up and Steve stops breathing.
“You don’t know where she is, do you?” Bucky asks, seemingly having decided on the least painful option. Steve would love a world where he simply didn’t know where Nat was, one where Nat could be found, one where he could see her again.
“I know exactly where she is.” He would give anything to not know. Knowing she’s left all alone on a different planet is much more painful than not knowing.
“Then lead the way, Rogers. I can’t wait another minute.” Bucky sounds relieved, the smile back on his face. He gets up from the couch, expecting Steve to follow and take Bucky to her.
“I can’t.” Steve catches Bucky’s arm, holding him back. He fights to keep his eyes dry as Bucky turns to look at him with questioning eyes and tight lips.
“Does she not want to see me?” The hurt Bucky tries to hide from his voice slices through Steve. Once again, Steve finds himself wishing Bucky’s assumptions were true.
“She’s not here here, not exactly.” Steve is just talking nonsense to avoid the question now. If he can confuse Bucky enough, he can delay what he knows he has to say.
“What does that even mean?” Bucky asks with a sad laugh. He still stands above Steve, his arm in Steve’s grip.
“It means I know where she is, but I can’t take you to her.” Steve talks slowly, hesitantly.
“She doesn’t want to see me.” This time it’s a statement, not a question. Bucky goes still, letting his arm drop to his side. He hangs his head, slumping his shoulders.
“She would- does want to see you.” Steve corrects himself, but it’s too late. Something shifts in Bucky’ posture as he takes a step closer to Steve.
“Just take me to her, I don’t care how.” Bucky points a shaky finger at Steve, enunciating every word clearly, leaving no room for a ‘no’.
“Bucky, she’s not-” Steve tries one last time, but Bucky cuts him off.
“Steve. Take me to see my friend.” Bucky’s voice shakes, his eyes watery, sparkly from the dim ceiling lights.
Steve wordlessly moves to get his keys of the counter. They somehow managed to set up a memorial for her in between fighting off the end of the world. They set up a stone under a beautiful tree with pink blossoms, just like she would’ve wanted.
Steve wraps Bucky in a hug, feeling Bucky tremble against his body. Bucky doesn’t move to reciprocate, just lets Steve hug him. When Steve pulls back, there’s no emotion on Bucky’s face anymore.
“It’s not too far.”
You changed my life
I hope you know
'Cause now I'm lost
So unprotected
The car ride is quiet. Neither one of them say anything for the thirty minutes it takes to get there. Steve considered taking a detour to prolong what he’s about to do but decided it would be better to just get it over with.
Bucky knows already, but he doesn’t know, and Steve knows that once they’re there, he won’t be able to avoid Bucky’s questions any longer. It’s entirely selfish what he’s feeling. He doesn’t want to see Bucky hurt because he doesn’t want to have to help him. He can barely keep himself together, he can’t see how he would be able to hold Bucky together as well.
They pull up at a clearing in the middle of nowhere. Steve hasn’t been back here since they set it up. He can blame being busy and taking care of Bucky, but in truth, he just wanted to forget that she’s here, or that they pretend she’s here. He’s spent two weeks fighting every minute of every day to hide this from Bucky.
You can’t suppress grief once it’s there. It bleeds into everything you do, every part of your day. Every happy moment with Bucky in the past two weeks is tainted by his grief. It will only get worse once Bucky grieves as well. There won’t be happy moments. And the ones that resemble happy will be tainted with grief from all sides.
Bucky sucks in a sharp breath beside him. Steve can see his façade cracking when he looks over at Bucky. Steve wasn’t the only one trying to convince himself this isn’t real. Bucky runs a hand through his long hair, taking a deep breath, before opening the car door and getting out. He pushes himself out of the car as if he has to force himself to move. Every part of his body fights against it, but Bucky needs to know, so he moves closer.
Steve stays in the car, giving Bucky some space. At first Bucky just stands there, staring blankly at the rock in front of him, as if it means nothing to him. He’s still, tense, and Steve can see his head move slightly from side to side as he reads the words over and over.
In the blink of an eye
I never got to say goodbye
Then a shudder goes through his body, looking like he was hit by lightning. Every part of him lighting up with pain greater than anyone should ever feel. There’s a guttural scream breaking through the silence, and he drops to his knees.
It’s only when Bucky starts sobbing Steve gets out of the car. He hurries to Bucky’s side, leaning down next to him. Bucky falls into Steve’s chest when Steve wraps his arms around Bucky’s shoulders, putting all his weight in Steve’s arms like he can’t hold himself up.
“W-what happened?” Bucky gasps out between his sobs of total and utter grief. The words are almost unintelligible, but Steve understands him. It’s the question he’s been dreading for weeks.
“She sacrificed herself for us.” Steve speaks the truth through the lump in his throat. “It was her or Barton, and Barton tried to be the one, believe me, he did. But she wouldn’t let him. She didn’t want him to leave his family, so she left hers.” Bucky deserves to know how his best friend died, but the words burn like acid on their way out.
“Always so stubborn.” Bucky chuckles thickly through his tears. He turns his head to hide his face in Steve’s neck, too overwhelmed by the sight in front of him.
“They didn’t know what it would cost when they left to get the soul stone. Turns out it was a soul for a soul. And she just-” Steve has to stop talking. He needs to stay strong for Bucky. He can’t fall apart hen he has to hold Bucky together.
Like a shooting star
Flying across the room
So fast so far
You were gone too soon
Steve stares at the gravestone sitting under a beautiful tree of pink blossoms. The ground around them is littered with the small flowers that are falling from the tree with every gust of wind. He didn’t have a say in the words engraved on it, Natasha Romanoff, daughter, sister, avenger.
It’s stupid. He hates those words. No gravestone should say those words. There shouldn’t even be a gravestone for her. She should be alive. She should be the one holding Bucky as he realizes he’ll never see her again. She’s the one putting him through this pain, she should be the one to deal with it.
“She died a hero.” Bucky’s sobs get louder when Steve says died. He is going to make himself sick, give himself a headache, burst a blood vessel in his eye with how hard he’s crying. Steve is desperate to soothe the pain, but there’s nothing anyone can do for this kind of pain. He holds Bucky tighter as his heart breaks more with each tear that lands on his collarbone.
Eventually Bucky lifts his head and looks back at the gravestone. His eyes are red and swollen, his cheeks wet with tears. Bucky sucks on his bottom lip as he moves closer to the stone. He reaches out and touches the letters with his right fingers.
“She’s not even here.” Bucky seems to put it all together. He’s heard enough about how they retrieved the stones to know that the soul stone was on a different planet. Steve’s heart completely breaks when Bucky hugs the stone, sobbing as he traces the letters of her name with his fingers.
“None of you would be here if she didn’t do what she did.” Steve says, not sure if he’s comforting himself or Bucky. “I wouldn’t have you back.”
“Don’t.” Bucky says in his broken voice. “I need to feel this.”
You're a part of me
And I'll never be the same here without you
You were gone too soon
Steve holds back his next words. Bucky is right. He needs to feel this, and nothing Steve can say will make it any less painful. There isn’t even a date on the stone. No birthday, no death date, nothing. Her name isn’t even her real name.
If it was up to Bucky, the stone would probably say Natalia Alianovna Romanova; stubborn bitch with the softest heart. Bucky would know her birthday. He would get her death date from Steve. It would’ve been done right if it had been up to Bucky. It should have been up to Bucky. Bucky was the closest thing she had to family.
The sight of Bucky cradling the gravestone, holding on like his life depends on it is so heartbreaking Steve can’t stop his own tears from falling. The grief is so deep and dark, endless, it seems impossible to ever feel anything else.
Bucky starts mumbling unintelligible words. Every time his voice hitches on the words or breaks off with tears, another nail pierces Steve’s chest. He knows this feeling, but he can never truly understand how Bucky’s feeling. To lose the person that is not only your other half, but an extension of yourself.
It’s only once Bucky has calmed down a little Steve is able to hear that his mumbling are actual words. They’re words he can’t understand. Bucky and Natasha would speak Russian when they talked to each other. Like they had a secret language so they could have private conversations in a room full of people.
Now, Bucky speaks to her in a language only she understands. Although the words mean nothing to Steve, they sound full of despair and grief, like he’s begging, repeating the same words over and over.
“Не оставляй меня. (Don’t leave me.)” Bucky leans his forehead on the edge of the stone, looking exhausted. Steve feels like he has to do something to help Bucky, but what could help in this situation? This was never something Steve thought he would have to do.
“не оставляй меня одного. (Don’t leave me alone.)” “пожалуйста, не оставляй меня, Талья. (Please, don’t leave me Talia.)” Bucky starts sobbing again when he mentions her nickname. Only Bucky called her that. He could never get used to calling her Natasha, she was always Natalia to him.
Steve can’t watch any longer. He moves closer to Bucky’s side, kneeling next to him. He wraps his hand around Bucky’s, tugging lightly. Bucky goes willingly. He lets go of the stone in front of him and curls up to Steve instead.
Bucky slumps against Steve. His head is resting over Steve’s heart, and he has somehow curled his whole body onto Steve’s lap. His sobs fade into quiet tears and hiccups, exhausted from sobbing for so long. He’s making broken noises that go straight to Steve’s heart, splitting it into a million pieces that pierce his insides like shards of glass.
“I wanna go back.” Bucky mumbles into Steve’s chest after a while. They both know he means home, but home won’t feel like home for a while. This will hurt. They will go to sleep with a broken heart and dream that she’s here. And when they wake up, they’ll forget for a moment. For a blissful moment she will be alive. Until they remember, and the world falls apart around them again.
They will feel her missing presence in everything they do. They will look for her in those blissful moments of forgetting. It will hurt so bad they can’t breathe, and their hearts will break so many times they feel like it’s in a permanent state of shattered.
And just when they can’t take it anymore, when they haven’t felt happiness for so long, they don’t remember how it feels, their hearts will find a way to heal. Steve can’t wait for that day.
With Bucky cradled against his chest, Steve uses all his strength to stand up. With the weight of Bucky's world coming apart on his shoulders, he walks them over to the car.
You were always there
Like a shining light
On my darkest days
You were there to guide me
Oh I miss you now
Bucky doesn’t want to let go of Steve once he’s in the car. He holds on to Steve like he’s afraid he will disappear if he lets it go. It’s understandable, considering what happened the last time he let go of someone for a moment.
“I’m right here Bucky. I won’t leave you. I promise. I just need you to let go so I can get in the car and drive us back.” Steve pleads with him. He just needs to get them home. He can’t stay here any longer. He needs everything to be okay, desperately needing her to be there when they get home.
Bucky eventually lets go and Steve gets them back on the road. Bucky is quiet beside him, staring blankly out the window with silent tears running down his face. Steve’s tears have stopped, replaced by a numbing pain that takes his breath away. Still, he keeps glancing over at Bucky, needing to make sure he’s okay.
They pull up in front of the building the remaining Avengers live at. It’s such a depressing thought, but it is their reality. For the first time since they started driving, Bucky looks at Steve. His eyes search Steve’s face. For what, he may never know, but whatever it was Bucky doesn’t find it. His face crumbles, and he slumps forward, hiding his face on his hands as if it will shield Steve from his pain.
There are no words, but Steve can’t do nothing. He gets out of the car, rounds it in record speed and opens Bucky’s door. He reaches across Bucky to unbuckle his seatbelt like he’s done so many times before. When Bucky fell asleep in the car or was in a haze from alcohol or flashbacks. Those things Steve could do something about. This, he can’t do anything but be there.
He gently pulls Bucky out of the car and embraces him in a hug. Bucky hides his face in Steve’s shoulder, silently sobbing and gasping, his body trembling against Steve’s.
“I’m here.” He whispers in Bucky’s ear. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“You can’t promise that.”
“I know, but I have no plans of leaving.” The words don’t mean anything. Nat didn’t plan on leaving either. She promised to stay, to always be there for Bucky. At the end of the day words are just words. You can’t control when you are taken from this world.
“Let’s go inside.” Steve suggests once Bucky has calmed down a little again. He pulls back enough to look at Bucky. His face is red, eyes and lips swollen, skin glistening with tears. Steve swipes his thumbs under Bucky’s eyes, drying his tears.
“You’re okay.” He says the thing he knows Bucky needs to hear. Bucky shakes his head between Steve’s palms. “Yes, you are. You are strong, Bucky, and you can get through this. We will get through this.”
Bucky looks so small as his lost eyes look up at Steve. After a moment he nods, his posture shifting from broken into something more determined. Steve nods in response, a small smile tugging at his lips. There’s no doubt in his mind that Bucky will get through this.
I wish you could see
Just how much your memory
Will always mean to me
In the blink of an eye
I never got to say goodbye
Steve reaches for Bucky’s warm hand, squeezing it in his own and leads him inside. A few people sit around in the common room when they enter. Sam is the only one who looks at them. Everyone else is too preoccupied with their own grief. No one in the room is untouched by it.
Sam and Steve exchange a look when they walk past him. Sam seems to understand what Steve is trying to say with his eyes as he goes back to what he was doing without saying anything to Bucky. Bucky is so fragile all it would take to break him is one wrong word, and Steve just put him back together.
They make their way to their floor in silence, Bucky clinging on to Steve. Everything is exactly the same as when they left. The dirty dishes from their lunch sits in the sink, Bucky’s book is left on the table, his towel on the bathroom floor where he leaves it every morning. But it feels emptier, darker, like all the light and life was sucked out of it.
Shine on
Shine on
On to a better place
Steve takes Bucky to the bedroom and sits him down on the edge of the bed. The sheets are rustled from the previous night, thrown aside once the sun entered the windows and warmed them up. It had been such a good morning, peaceful, as they stayed in each other’s arms until their stomachs growled loud enough to make them laugh.
They took their time going through the morning, stopping for kisses and soft touches, getting distracted by each other’s presence. It took so long to get ready for their day that they were hungry again by the time they were ready to start their day.
And then Bucky asked the question. Where is she. And the false reality Steve was living in shattered.
The sun still shines through the bedroom windows, but Steve can’t feel the heat on his skin. Bucky leans back on the mattress and closes his eyes. He looks exhausted, like he wants to be swallowed by the mattress and stay there.
Shine on
Shine on
We'll never be the same
There are so many things Steve wants to say, so much he wants to communicate to Bucky. But the connection between his mind and mouth have been severed. He can’t get out another word. All he can do is take Bucky’s shoes off, help him scoot up to his pillow and tuck him in.
“Не оставляй меня.” Bucky’s voice is so small, Steve barely realizes he’s said anything.
“What?”
“Don’t leave me.” Bucky looks at Steve with wide eyes and reaches out for him. Steve wasn’t planning on leaving the room. He can’t stand having Bucky out of his sight any more than Bucky can standing having Steve out of sight.
“I won’t.” He promises and toes off his own shoes, getting in beside Bucky. They curl up as close as possible, needing to touch every part of the other. They won’t sleep, no matter how tired they are, sleep won’t come.
Bucky’s life was turned upside down today, taking Steve with him. Steve was in denial until the moment he saw Bucky break down on her grave.
It feels like he lost her all over again. But this time it really, truly hurts.
You were gone too soon
(Shine on shine on)
You were gone too soon
(Shine on shine on)
You were gone too soon