Archive of Our Own

Something tethered them together.

If Jaehyun was told this years ago, he would have laughed at it. He was his own man — nothing connects him to anything. But standing here now, a few meters away from the man he had thought he loved, made him believe that maybe something did connect them.

They hadn't seen each other in five years. Doyoung was presumed missing — at least that's what Jaehyun thought, so he didn't actively seek him out. But he looked — through pictures, in between the lines, in the conversations of his friends. He looked for clues as to where Doyoung was.

Nobody told him anything for five years.

And even him being here now was completely coincidental.

The scar on his wrist, throbbing. The timer on his forearm ticked like a metal detector finding metal. Only now, the ticking seemed to be telling Jaehyun that he had finally found him — his other half.

Jaehyun didn't know if he deserved this, to be reconnected with Kim Doyoung. He was the one that pushed him away, feeling high and mighty. He never thought he'd need Doyoung in his life, even insisted that their lives wouldn't change whether they were together or not. But regrets always came at the end, and Jaehyun had realized what he had lost only when he lost it. When their relationship passed through the gaps of his fingers, he realized then that he hadn't even held on to it — not even fought to keep it in his hands. He hadn't meant to let go of Doyoung, but the other man had taken it upon himself to leave instead. Jaehyun's palms were open; there was nowhere else to go than out.

He didn't think it'll hurt, seeing Doyoung again. It had been five years since Doyoung left; five years was enough to move on. But the piercing pain in his heart made Jaehyun realize he hadn't. It was ironic how he was the one hurting like this when he had always been the bad one in the relationship. He admitted to that; he was evil, and foul, and vile, and he broke Doyoung's heart, but here he was now, his own heart, breaking to pieces.

And the only thing Kim Doyoung was doing was standing in front of him, a smile on his face.

Jaehyun didn't deserve the warm welcome, the smile or the "how had you been" that came out of Doyoung's lips. He didn't deserve any of that. He deserved to be shouted at, be told of his wrongdoings — to have the hurt he had given to be thrown back at him.

But Doyoung had always been kind, and he had always been forgiving. And that broke Jaehyun's heart more.

Words failed him. He couldn't answer. Instead, he stared at Doyoung, wondering what parts of him were different, because being around him now felt different to Jaehyun. He looked taller — his gait more confident. The shadows around his eyes have faded, and he looked well-rested — not like the tired look that Jaehyun often went home to. He looked happier — happier than how he was with him. Jaehyun wondered if Doyoung had ever been happy with him.

"It's been a while, huh?" Doyoung started.

Jaehyun nodded, swallowing all the words he had wanted to say, the apologies tasting like vomit in his mouth, urging him to spit it out.

But Jaehyun didn't say sorry.

Instead, he remembered their relationship five years ago, and was reminded of the man he was back then, and what he did to the man he had been connected to.

I. SUMMER

His and Doyoung's relationship can be summed into four seasons. Not because it only lasted for almost a year, but for whatever reason, the season they were in perfectly summarized the mood of their relationship. The heat of the summer, the fragility of fall, the cold of the winter, and the newness of spring.

They met in the summer, and looking back at it now, Jaehyun thought they could've conquered anything.

Swimming was all about control. Winning had nothing to do with luck, or talents. Yes, it was important to be skilled, but without control nothing will happen. Jaehyun had learned all his life about control, especially when it came to swimming. 

He learned to control his breathing, one deep breath before the start of the game, and smaller breaths before he dove in, and while swimming, breath every two strokes. He also learned how to control his body movements, and the strokes he took underwater. It was important to be focused — to keep your eye on the center line. He learned the proper angles of his arms, the dos and don'ts. That made him a better swimmer 

Outside the pool, he had controlled his lifestyle. He never ate anything less than healthy. Too much salt and sodium was bad for his health, so he stayed away from it. Yes, he drank a lot during parties, but he made sure it was always off season. Jaehyun checked every calorie, making sure he always took in what he knew he’d also lose. Not only that, but he made a habit of exercising every day. Mornings were spent jogging, afternoons spent in the gym, and nights spent in the pool. He trained his legs and his shoulders especially, making sure they were strong enough and didn’t tire fast easily, especially if he was racing long meters. 

The people he meets were also important. Jaehyun wasn’t one to make friends easily because he needed to make sure the people that surrounded him will only do him good. If they didn’t, he’d usually not care about them anymore the next day. 

Learning was a constant, and improving was what Jaehyun always pursued.

Everything he couldn't control, he strayed away from.

That included the timer on his arm.

When he was a child, Jaehyun loved watching the timer tick down. He breathed in and breathed out, watching as his every breath caused the timer to move. As he grew older, and learned that breathing wasn't something he could control at will, he purposely ignored the timer on his forearm. 

It was difficult at first. The timer had a ticking sound, like a clock, and whenever it was silent you could hear it. But Jaehyun trained his body to focus on other things. Instead of the sound of his timer, he listened to the sound of nature — the twits of the birds, the scrunch of leaves under your feet. When he started swimming, he focused instead on the sounds of the water. Eventually, with years of training, he had learned to ignore his timer. Whenever he heard it, he’d focus on something else. 

There were better ways to spend his time than trying to think of ways to control something that wasn't controllable. It didn't matter to him that it ticked down to the last zero. For Jaehyun, his soulmate didn't exist until he met him — which Jaehyun wished would never happen. He was comfortable with his life, and adding in a soulmate would just complicate it.

Jaehyun loved control.

Having a soulmate was something he can't control, so he stayed away from it.

"Hey, Jae," someone called, catching Jaehyun's attention. He turned to see one of the female swim team members glancing flirtatiously at him. He grimaced, before zoning back to the conversation with Johnny that apparently he had missed half of.

"--and that's why they can breathe underwater despite being mammals," Johnny ended, looking at Jaehyun. He caught him just as he finished greeting one of the female swim team members, making Johnny roll his eyes.

"Interesting," Jaehyun answered, feigning interest.

Johnny groaned, "I went on and on about platypuses, thinking you were actually interested."

He shook his head, shoving Jaehyun away, and rushing towards the open showers. They were already in their swim clothes, and after a quick bath, they'd be practicing for hours. Jaehyun heard his timer tick again. He closed his eyes, and focus instead on the sounds in the pool area — the people talking, and the water — trying hard to mask the ticking sound of his timer.  

The faster his breathing gets, the louder the ticking was, reminding him to manage the remaining breaths he still had. It annoyed Jaehyun, and  he often wondered how annoying it'll become once he finds his soulmate.

A dangerous thought crossed his mind — it had crossed his mind before. When a breath timer hits zero, your soulmate will die. It'll only affect your soulmate once you meet each other. Jaehyun couldn't even remember the last time he ended a year with numbers still left on his timer. It had occurred to him that it'll be easier for him to just let his soulmate die, than try to make him manage his breaths.

He grimaced at the thought. Still, he wasn’t that cruel. 

So with a shake of his head — dispelling the vile thoughts — he plunged into the water.

"90% of the population have soulmates. Though the how and why of it is still being studied, I like to think that maybe it's not something that science can answer. On the other hand, 10% of the population aren't fortunate enough to have soulmates. Why do you think that is?"

Kim Doyoung looked around the class as his professor, Professor Lee, asked, waiting to see if anyone had an answer. One of his classmates sitting at the front raised her hand.

"If we're going with the theory that soulmates share the same souls that were halved, then maybe that 10% has their souls complete," she said. Another classmate chided in, "Or their souls were lost, failed to latch to a human."

"That seems like all souls latch into a human. Aren't they innate in us already?" The first one rebutted, only having the second classmate shrug.

Professor Lee just laughed, thanking them for a wonderful discussion before going back to his discussion.

"Have any of you met your soulmates?" he asked. A few of the class raised their hands. He proceeded to ask how it felt, and the students answered that it hurt. With a point of his pen, Professor Lee grimaced.

"To meet your soulmate is apparently painful. It forms a physical scar on a part of your body, mostly where you can feel a pulse, like on your wrist, your neck, your forehead, or your chest."

As the professor enumerated each part of the body, he made sure to point out each part of his body, his hand lingering on his chest, just where his heart would be while a sad smile painted his features. It was gone, quick, and his features now went back to the happy facade he had always presented in class.

He took a deep breath, and proceeded with his discussion as if nothing had happened. As Doyoung looked around the class, it seemed like he was the only one who noticed it, too.

Another of his classmates raised a hand in question, “When soulmates get a mark, would it be identical to each other? Same shape? Same place where it’s formed?” 

The professor shook his head. “Most of the time that’s the case, but there are cases where soulmates don’t have identical scars. One can have a scar on the wrist, while their soulmate would have on their chest.” 

“Does that affect the bond of soulmates?” 

“ No, I don’t think so.” 

The professor smiled before continuing with the conversation.  

"Now, soulmates are connected to each other not only by their souls, but also their lifeline — not literally," Professor Lee started again, taking Doyoung out of his imagination. He started tapping his left forearm, and though no one could see his timer, everybody knew what it was. Timers are only visible to people whose arm they are on. 

" Our timers are directly connected to our soulmates. Though they count our breaths, when our timers run out, our soulmate will die."

There was a shudder around the room. The class probably wasn't used to a very outright declaration of death. Professor Lee grimaced. " Don't worry. The timer is set to a number high enough so that we won’t usually run out of breaths, and every year, at the stroke of midnight of the new year, it resets. But there are cases...." he stopped, turning his eyes to the window, looking at the view outside with a distant look. His eyes focused on the surroundings, but his thoughts not so much. "... where people have exhausted their breaths and their soulmate dies."

Professor Lee's voice was soft, and breakable. Doyoung wondered if he had experienced it, or knew someone who did.

Just then, the bell rang, breaking the tension in the room and successfully getting them all back to reality. Professor Lee shouted about homework as the students shuffled out. Doyoung, as one of the last students to leave, gave a consoling smile to the professor before exiting the room and reaching for his phone that had been vibrating in his pocket for the past minute.

When he got out, he found out the cause of his influx of messages. His best friend, Ten, leaned on the wall opposite the doorway, head bowed down, texting. Doyoung looked down at his phone, still seeing the messages come in. 

Doyoung stood in front of his friend, to make Ten notice him. When Ten looked up, he jumped.

"You scared me," he remarked, a hand over his chest.

Doyoung rolled his eyes, "Please, you stand in front of my room, and you expect me not to approach you."

"I thought your classes were still ongoing," Ten said with a pout.

"Look up once in a while."

Ten smiled, hooking his arm around Doyoung and pestering him to get lunch together.

"I can't believe you're taking soulmate theory again," Ten said, pointing his chopsticks at Doyoung threateningly. Doyoung pushed it away with his own pair, getting a groan from Ten.

"I'm not taking it again, this is advanced studies," he explained.

Ten rolled his eyes, "As if you haven't learned all about soulmates already with one class," he started, "No matter how many times you take that, you'd never really know what it's like to have a soulmate unless you finally have them."

Doyoung sighed. It was true that the only reason he had been taking Soulmate Theory was to prepare himself well. He had always believed in soulmates from the moment he had heard about it from his parents, and when he finally understood the ticking on his left forearm.

Once he understood it, he studied everything about it. Doyoung was a smart man — anything he needed to understand was in books. It didn't matter if he hadn't experienced it before, if he had read the theory about it, then he was settled. Life, to Doyoung, had always been unexpected. No matter how much you try to plan out everything, there were moments that came out of the blue. It was important to learn about these moments so that when you face it, you'd have an understanding of it.

That's how Doyoung lived his life.

Getting ready for the moments.

"You're so confident with everything you're saying when you don't have a soulmate," Doyoung remarked. Ten shrugged, "Since I don't have mine, I just watched and learn from all of you."

"When did you find out," Doyoung started, after a while of silence. Ten made a sound, asking him to elaborate. "That you didn't have a soulmate. When did you find out?"

Ten raised his brow. He wondered if he had never mentioned it before. They've been friends for years, so Ten must've told him. But Doyoung stared at him, waiting for an answer. 

"I was always curious when I asked my parents about their timers. They always complained about hearing this ticking sound," Ten started. "I never heard mine tick. It never reminded me that my breaths were connected to someone — that I had to manage it because I had to live for someone."

With a shrug, Ten concluded, “That’s how I knew that I was different.” 

"How did you feel?"

Ten stopped for a while. He had been a kid when he found out he didn't have a soulmate. He cried then, feeling like there was something the universe didn't allow him to have — like soulmates were a famous toy, and only he wasn't able to get it. But as he grew older, Ten realized that it hadn't been that bad.

The thing was, the universe had a way of fixing things that had once been broken. He didn't have a soulmate, so he was introduced to someone who had lost theirs.

It might seem cruel, but at the end of the day, despite his circumstance, Ten was happy.

"It's not so bad," Ten said, with a grimace. Doyoung scoffed, standing up. "'Hurry up! I have band practice!"

Ten groaned, trying to fill his mouth with as much food as possible before following Doyoung out.

"You're slow today," Jaehyun heard as soon as he emerged from the water. Johnny looked down at Jaehyun from the latter's starting block, a questioning look on his face. Jaehyun shot water at him impassively. 

"Have you been exercising?" Johnny asked. 

"Yes!" Jaehyun answered as he rose from the pool, grabbing his towel from the chairs. He noticed one of the female swimmers eyeing him. Any other day, he would’ve walked towards them, but Johnny’s rambling beside him made him ignore them completely. He walked towards the locker room with Johnny still following behind. 

"What about your diet?" 

"I've been following the nutritionist's suggestion."

"Alcohol?"

"Haven't drank!"

"Sleeping habits."

"8 hours! I haven't even partied," Jaehyun started, turning to stare at Johnny. They locked eyes for a few seconds before Johnny sighed. 

"I'm watching out for you, Jae," he explained. Jaehyun scowled, "you don't have to nag like a wife, Johnny."

The older man grimaced, sitting at one of the benches in the locker room, waiting as Jaehyun finished changing. Jaehyun was glad most swimmers decided to take a vacation. Jaehyun was part of the rare few who didn't know what it was like to rest. They ground when they could. Resting would just slow them down. 

"I promised to get you a place in the competing team next school year, Jae. If you don't like what I do, then find someone else."

Jaehyun stared at Johnny without an answer. 

Johnny was the best swimmer in the whole swim team.  He had taken care of Jaehyun like a coach, after deciding to stop competing for the sake of his soulmate. Something, until today, Jaehyun couldn't understand. 

Giving up your dreams for someone was something Jaehyun couldn't fathom. 

"I'm sorry," Jaehyun started. "I felt on edge."

Johnny stood up and gave him a comforting squeeze on the shoulder before telling him to go home. "You're tired, Jae. You might not want to admit it, but I've watched you swim. I know you."

Jaehyun sighed but nodded. 

"The pool will be here for you tomorrow," Johnny sang as he walked out of the locker room. Jaehyun scoffed before preparing to leave. 

When Jaehyun got home, his roommate Yuta and Yuta's boyfriend, Ten, were lounging in the living room. 

"Hi, Jae," Ten greeted, to which Jaehyun just waved to. He heard Ten whisper how "friendly" he was before he closed the door to his room. 

Jaehyun connected his phone to a speaker before blasting the music he had been listening to on the way home. 

During finals week of the last school year, he had found a SoundCloud singer by the name of Dy, with his profile picture of someone playing the guitar. Because their face wasn't shown in the photo, Jaehyun didn't really know what they looked like. 

But nevertheless, Jaehyun loved their voice. 

He had been listening to Dy ever since. 

A few minutes later, as he was lying down on bed, there was a knock on the door. Jaehyun looked up to see Yuta peeking in his room. 

"Hey," Yuta started. He opened the door wider and leaned on the door frame. "Are you free this Friday night?"

"Why?" Jaehyun asked. 

Yuta shrugged, "We haven't been hanging out recently. There's a gig of Ten's friend on Friday. Just thought you might want to join us."

Jaehyun nodded, saying "I'll think about it," before increasing the volume of his speakers — an indication for Yuta to leave. 

The older man sighed, closing the door behind him.  

Jaehyun didn't believe in fate. Trusting in some higher being or the universe to make sense of the world that you've been living, just means you're giving in to spontaneity. Randomness is just something that Jaehyun loathed.

So, no, he's not going to agree that his first meeting with Kim Doyoung was fated.

He had almost missed it. Johnny hadn't allowed him to be in the pool for the last two days, saying that rest was what he needed. The older man finally gave in to Jaehyun's pleas that Friday. 

Once he got to the training center, he wasted no time.

Every minute was taken into practice. Every breath and stroke controlled for a better result. He had a goal, and he needed to reach it. If you weren't with any competing team by your second year, then the probability of you competing was almost zero. Jaehyun was an upcoming sophomore, and being on the team was more important to him than anything else.

If it wasn't for the constant ringing of his phone in one of the nearby benches, he wouldn't have stopped practicing.

He rose from the pool annoyed. As far as he remembered, he didn't have an alarm set. But his alarm ringtone had played for the last half-hour, and it was distracting Jaehyun.

When he looked at his phone, he saw, " Don't forget our date today! Be there - YUTA".

Jaehyun rolled his eyes and shook the water out of his hair. He still had an hour left before the gig. He stared at the pool and then at his phone, before deciding to just get ready. 

Jaehyun didn’t want to be late. 

Despite preparing a whole hour early, Jaehyun was still late. When he got to the café, where the gig was, the band was already in their second song. Jaehyun peered through the crowd to see where Yuta was, and he saw him and Ten on one of the tables in the middle.

He proceeded to the bar to get himself a drink, the voice of the lead singer ringing in his ears.

"The next song was written by our leader, Lee Taeyong," Jaehyun glanced at the stage. From where he was sitting, he could see the side profile of the lead singer. He glanced back at the bar, wondering where he heard that name before.

Lee Taeyong. That was Johnny's boyfriend, he realized. Jaehyun never asked about Johnny's soulmate, only because if he did, Johnny would never shut up about it. He knew how hopelessly in love Johnny was to his soulmate, and it repulsed Jaehyun. He had never been in love, never thought he would be. Having a companion was all he needed, someone to spend the nights with and maybe a few dates.

But falling in love was complicated. Love was too random, too uncontrollable. Jaehyun didn't like that. He wanted something he could have one day and be able to let go on another — something fun. Relationships weren't that, so he stayed away from it as much as possible.

When he got his order, a Chocolate Milkshake with whiskey — the perfect drink for tonight — he turned to the stage again, swiveling his chair. He looked around, wondering if there was a possibility he could take someone home tonight, or someone to take him home. It was Friday anyway. He had no practice the other day.

It was the perfect night.

Or Jaehyun had hoped it would be.

There was a man eyeing him flirtatiously, sitting at a few tables away from where he was sitting. He stood up and made his way towards him. He said a few things, the noise made it impossible to hear what he was saying, but Jaehyun understood. It was the same with all these people. As he followed him to his table, someone called his name, though, making him groan.

He turned to see Yuta waving his hands above his head, gathering attention from the patrons of the bar. He sighed, and leaned closer to the man, whispering in his ear. "Sorry, prior engagements."

Jaehyun turned and walked towards Yuta's table. As he was walking, he heard a familiar voice on stage. The voice he had been hearing for the past few months, the voice that gave him comfort throughout his finals' week, the last semester.

This was Dy.

Curious, he took a chance at the stage, to find out that the lead singer was looking at him too.

It happened quicker than Jaehyun had expected, that he didn't know what happened first. He remembered dropping his drink, the contents spilling and pooling around his fist as he clutched the inside of his wrist trying to diminish the burning feeling.

He didn't hear Yuta asking him if he was okay, or Lee Taeyong announcing to the crowd about some "technical difficulties". All he heard was the timer on his left forearm getting louder and louder as if it wanted to tell him something, and it wanted his attention.

Jaehyun had perfected the skill of ignoring the timer on his arm, but now it was too loud to ignore. No matter how hard he pressed his palms on his ears, it was all he heard. He looked down at his forearm, not realizing that one of the staff of the café was already cleaning after him and Yuta was pulling him towards their table.

What he saw on his left forearm made his heart stop. On top of the timer, resting on his wrist, was a strikingly red, grisly looking scar.

Now, Jaehyun didn't know much about soulmates, but he knew what this was.

"That's a soulmark," Yuta whispered, and that was the only confirmation Jaehyun needed. Not bothering to say goodbye, or to even glance back at the stage, he left the café.

" What do you mean you're quitting the band, Kim Doyoung."

It seemed like the best decision as Doyoung stared at the scar on his left wrist. It had healed now, no longer looking so disfigured as it was when it first appeared on his wrist. He had walked home, the question from Taeyong still ringing in his head.

Even now, after he put his foot down, telling Taeyong that his decision was final, he still kept thinking whether he had made the right decision.

Nothing made sense to Doyoung. His thoughts were in a whirlwind, and he didn't know which one to understand first. He just found his soulmate, and yet nothing about it seemed exciting.

In all the preparation he did before meeting his soulmate, he never once thought it'd be like this. What's worse was that he didn't even formally meet his soulmate. They just stood there, eye to eye for a few seconds before his soulmate left. If he was trying to be honest, it broke Doyoung's heart. His soulmate didn't even bother to get to know him at all.

His phone kept ringing from messages he didn't want to face today. From Taeyong, to Xiaojun to Kun, and even Ten. They all must be worried, but Doyoung knew if they really thought he was in any kind of worrisome state, then they wouldn't have allowed him to leave alone. Besides, the messages are going to stop coming in a few minutes, and will resume only the next day. By then, Doyoung would've been fine, and he'd respond to the messages.

For now, he lied down on his bed and stared at the ceiling, until he was able to fall asleep.

Yuta found Jaehyun the next day, on the floor of his room with beer bottles around him. He was holding a knife in his right hand, and Yuta immediately turned to look at his left wrist. The lack of injuries and blood around him made Yuta sigh in relief. At least whatever Jaehyun had been planning, he didn't push through with it.

Yuta walked into the room and urged Jaehyun to wake up.

The younger man groaned, placing his right hand over his head. He panicked, since Jaehyun was still holding the knife. Yuta grabbed Jaehyun's wrist, taking the knife away from him.

"Ya, wake up!" Yuta urged. Jaehyun shouted, opening his eyes. He sat upright and looked at Yuta. "What?"

"Get yourself together, Jung Jaehyun," Yuta said. He walked out of the room, depositing the knife in the sink. Jaehyun walked out of his room before diving onto the sofa, waiting for Yuta to speak.

"You're acting like this whole soulmate thing is the end of the world," Yuta said, placing a glass of water in front of Jaehyun. "It feels like it," Jaehyun answered.

"Can't you just give it a chance?" Yuta asked. "Maybe it’ll will work out for you?"

Jaehyun sighed. He had never wanted a soulmate. Too bad none of his wishes seem to come true. This was just another flaw in his perfect plan. Why should he indulge in it? But Yuta looked at him as if begging, and somehow Jaehyun took it as a challenge. He'll prove to Yuta that he can live without having a soulmate, and if that meant breaking his soulmate's heart, then so be it.

"Fine," Jaehyun said. His agreement seemed to shock Yuta, though the look on his face fleeted before Jaehyun could even comment about it. "But I don't even know where to find him."

Yuta smiled, drinking from his glass of water. "His name is Kim Doyoung. He has a class in the Psychology department every Monday that ends at 11:30am. Maybe you can start there," he said, passing him a piece of paper he removed from his pocket. Jaehyun recognized it as Ten's handwriting, though he didn't comment on it as he took the paper from Yuta.

The older man stood from his chair, leaving Jaehyun alone, looking at the piece of paper with the name of his soulmate written on it.

Jaehyun stared at the piece of paper, still thinking about it. Agreeing to Yuta was easy, but actually doing something about it was another matter. At the same time, Jaehyun was curious. He knew nothing will happen with all his soulmate anyway — that was what he was planning anyway. 

But something made him curious about Doyoung. 

It didn’t escape Jaehyun that his soulmate was also the voice he’d been listening to the past month. That was what drew him in. 

He decided to meet Doyoung. Besides, it didn’t matter how it starts anyway, the result would still be the same. 

"Are you really quitting the band?" Ten asked Doyoung that Saturday morning after barging into the latter's house, as Doyoung hadn't answered his messages yet, with Taeyong in tow. They got to the house with Doyoung still sleeping, a protective hand around his wrist, as if not wanting anything to happen to his soulmate — not that would do anything anyway. Ten eventually woke him up. Doyoung wasn't one to sleep in, and he wasn't about to let this whole situation change Doyoung's lifestyle — that included the band. 

"I don't know, Ten," Doyoung answered, honestly. He knew if he lied anyway, Ten would just see through it. Taeyong clucked his tongue as he took a slice of the cake they brought, biting through it angrily. Doyoung smiled, knowing his friend had a lot to say; he just didn't know how to say it. 

"Don't stare at me like that, Tae," Doyoung said, trying to wave away Taeyong's judging stares, "You also threatened to leave the band once for Johnny." Out of all the people in the band, he should be the most understanding. 

"I just want to be sure, Tae," Doyoung started, "that I can do this whole soulmate thing without needing to compromise. If it all works out, then maybe I'll come back." 

Taeyong sighed. "Fine, but you still need to write songs for us." 

Doyoung smiled at Taeyong pouting, but agreed. It was a compromise. 

Soon after, they moved on to happier conversations, leaving whatever soulmate related thing behind. 

Jung Jaehyun stood in front of the Soulmate Theory classroom a few minutes before the end of class. He had promised Yuta that he'd try to get to know his soulmate. Honestly, he was excited to prove Yuta wrong — that he can live without his soulmate. He was just aching to get everything over with. 

When he got to the room, he scoffed upon seeing what kind of class was conducted there. Of course, he had to have a soulmate hell-bent in believing this whole thing. Why couldn't he have a soulmate that didn't care about soulmates? That would've been easier.

They could've talked about parting as strangers, and Jaehyun wouldn't have to worry about his soulmate again. Though he knew that was highly unlikely — there were barely any stories about soulmates not working out, and Jaehyun hadn't even heard any of it to be true. Still, something rare isn't impossible. 

For someone who didn't care, though, Jaehyun was nervous. He didn't know what to say when he met Doyoung. This whole thing was foreign to him. He had flirted with strangers before, but Doyoung wasn't a stranger, was he? Their souls were literally two parts of a whole. They knew of each other, just now were they able to meet. 

He didn't forget Doyoung's face, so when the latter walked out of the room, he was starstruck. Jaehyun couldn't deny that Doyoung was good-looking, he really was. Somehow, he felt like he lucked out — to have someone like Doyoung to show-off. 

"Hey," he started, when Doyoung passed by him. Doyoung turned, and almost dropped all his things. "Is it that shocking to see me?" Jaehyun teased. 

Doyoung tripped on his words for a while, before answering. "I didn't think I'd see you here." 

"I'm sorry," Jaehyun started. "About the other night." He scratched the back of his neck and added, "I'm not sure what to do in these kinds of situations, so I was a little flustered. I mean, you do only meet your soulmate once." 

Doyoung just smiled, "I understand. I was a little flustered as well." 

They started walking to somewhere they both really didn't know. 

"You seem a little more prepared, though?" Jaehyun said. 

"What?" Doyoung asked. Jaehyun turned back and pointed to the classroom. Realizing what Jaehyun meant, Doyoung laughed nervously. How lame must he look to his soulmate? That he studied about all of these? 

"It's a requirement for the course," he lied, laughing. Jaehyun smiled at him. He was cute when he was flustered. 

"Do you want to have lunch?" Jaehyun said. Doyoung bowed his head, thinking. He was supposed to be meeting Taeyong, but he knew his friend would forgive him if he pushed the meeting back a few hours, so with a nod of his head, he agreed. "I'd love that."

Describing the start of their relationship felt like a dream. It happened quick, and the next thing you know, you couldn't remember any of it anymore. That's how Doyoung felt about it. 

For Jaehyun the relationship was what he was used to — an arm's length away, easy for him to hold onto. He made sure that the relationship was something easy — something fun. At least then, there’d be no attachments — no heartbreaks.  

What started as a lunch date quickly escalated to something more. Because Jaehyun was busy throughout the day, they’d usually spend their time together at night, and often at Doyoung’s apartment. Despite Doyoung often wondering what Jaehyun’s apartment was like, the latter barely talked about it. 

Jaehyun had slowly infiltrated Doyoung's home, moving in his things one day after the other. Soon enough, a week into their relationship, Jaehyun already had a space in Doyoung's apartment. Their lifestyles had integrated, and suddenly all waking hours of Doyoung's life were focused on making Jaehyun happy. 

If he wanted to go out, they did. If he wanted to stay in, they did. Most of the time, all Jaehyun wanted to do was to stay in, hidden under the blankets making love to each other. 

They rarely went out for dates. Often just spending their time in Doyoung’s apartment. Jaehyun was too busy, and often too tired, to do much of anything outside. So they’d order pizza, or whatever Jaehyun was craving, and they’d often watch something. Sometimes, they’d only talk while eating, but that rarely happened. 

Jaehyun liked talking about swimming. They’d lie down on Doyoung’s bed as Jaehyun talked about his games, the competitions he’s been to, the awards he’s won. Doyoung always listened. He knew that being a good lover meant listening. 

Whenever Doyoung did talk about himself — told stories about his life, his friends, his family — Jaehyun listened, though often distracted. He had a smile plastered on his face every time Doyoung recalled a memory, while his hands played with the hem of Doyoung's sweatpants, or his head rested on Doyoung's shoulder, planting sweet kisses on his neck. 

Aside from swimming, Doyoung didn't know anything about Jaehyun, didn't know about his parents or his friends, but at that time, it seemed like it didn't matter. 

Though it wasn’t conventional, and it wasn’t the relationship Doyoung had in his head, he still loved it. Doyoung thought, he’d be able to get used to it. 

Doyoung didn't complain. He had never been in a relationship before, at least not to the point of whatever he had with Jaehyun. He thought that maybe this was always how it started out. Doyoung barely saw any of his friends, so he couldn't ask them if what he was doing was right. 

But it felt right, at least that's what Doyoung tried to tell himself. Jaehyun was good to him. He kept the bed warm, he kept him occupied. Jaehyun had never made Doyoung sad. 

Their relationship was very physical. Words were barely exchanged between them. Body language was their form of communication. The heat of the summer paralleled the passion of their relationship. Doyoung had seen Jaehyun more than any other people. They kept each other busy — eyes, mouths, hands and feet. 

Doyoung didn't feel tired, or at least he tried not to. He held onto the relationship despite the screams inside his head telling him to stop. He ignored it, and told himself to keep holding on. 

The relationship was good, wasn't it? 

This was what he wanted, this was what he had been preparing himself for.

He finally had a soulmate.

And then summer ended and just like that, the fire burned out as well, and all the excuses Doyoung had told himself were the only ones left from the fire.

II. Fall

When a glass is heated and then plunged into cold water, it cracks — sometimes it even breaks. That's how the fall felt like — a crack in something so fragile.

Doyoung had woken up one morning, a few days before the start of the new school year. The last speck of summer was blowing through the breeze and the cold of autumn settled on his skin. Jaehyun was sleeping peacefully beside him. Doyoung stared at him — feeling nothing. The usual jump his heart made when he saw Jaehyun sleeping beside him was gone.

He thought that maybe this was how you knew the honeymoon stage had ended. Sighing, he stood up, quietly making his way to the kitchen. He downed a glass of water, then another and another. 

Something felt uncomfortable and Doyoung didn't know what it was.

There was an unfamiliar feeling in the air, setting itself annoyingly around Doyoung. It felt like a premonition — a glimpse of the future. But it was so obscure that Doyoung didn't know what it was exactly. All he knew was that he felt strange, felt scared. Shaking his head, hoping to shake his thoughts away or the feeling around the room, he made his way to his dresser. From there, he could watch Jaehyun sleep.

When Doyoung learned about soulmates, he was excited. He was a kid who looked forward to a life of rainbows and happiness with the person he was tied with. Growing up, he held onto the belief that he'd be happy. It didn't matter whatever hardships came his way, because once he found love, he would never not know happiness. But he didn't love Jaehyun, at least he didn't think he did.

If love was this unsure, he wasn't sure he wanted it.

He tried to look back to their summer — to the start of their relationship. Tried to see if there was anything to indicate that he would be feeling this now. In the hazy memories, he tried to remember if there were any red flags. But there wasn't — nothing Doyoung could see.

They were happy, weren't they?

" Hey."

Doyoung turned towards the bed to see Jaehyun looking at him with a glint in his eyes. Suspicion? Curiosity? Whatever it was, he looked at Doyoung strangely. Did Jaehyun know what he was thinking about? He thought.

Suddenly, Doyoung felt exposed. He wondered what he looked like to Jaehyun. Did his face show the uncertainty he was having in their relationship?

" You look troubled," Jaehyun said. Well, that answers that. Doyoung thought. He grimaced, trying to pretend it was nothing — as if everything was okay.

"Just woke up too early," he lied.

Jaehyun smiled, that enchanting smile of his, and suddenly everything felt better. He beckoned Doyoung closer. "Come back to bed then," he said, opening his arms ready for him to come back. Like a puppet on strings — completely controlled — Doyoung went back to bed.

Jaehyun had woken up earlier than usual that day — one day before the start of the new school year. Something woke him up, a feeling that he needed to be awake. He didn't know exactly what it was, but he decided to just go practice.

School was starting the next day, and Jaehyun wanted to be ready.

He didn't bother to tell Doyoung where he was going, and just let the latter sleep. He didn't leave a note or a text. If Doyoung wanted to know where he was, he'd ask.

When he got to the pool, there were barely any people. The janitor and the guards were there, making the pool presentable for the athletes. Aside from them, there was a swimmer who was busy doing laps around the pool. Jaehyun couldn’t really tell who it was. 

Of course there wouldn't be many people yet. School wouldn't start until the next day and students would've loved to extend the summer, and do whatever they wanted to do with the remaining hours, but the illusion didn't work with Jaehyun.

Summer was over. There were things he needed to do. 

He changed into his swimming gear, checking himself twice in the mirror, wanting to look presentable despite having no one to show it too. His father had always told him to treat every practice as a competition because only then can you tell if you would be ready for the real thing and in a competition, Jaehyun had to look good.

He stood in front of his starting block, doing a few breathing exercises. As he got ready to jump, he heard a loud ticking from his arm. Caught off guard, he fell.

He struggled to get above the water at first, panicking. A few minutes later, he felt someone helping him up.

"Are you okay?" he heard someone saying. Jaehyun turned to see someone he didn't know swimming beside him. He shook the water out of his face, before rising from the pool.

"Yeah," he answered once he was back on the benches. He shook the water out of his hair, catching a few breaths. He cursed, wanting to scratch his timer out. But he just decided to clench his fist to keep him calm — open then closed.

"I'm sorry if I startled you," the man said. "I was just finishing my laps when I saw you fall."

Jaehyun grimaced. So he was the swimmer at the other pool.

"I haven't seen a swimmer drown before," the man teased, but Jaehyun wasn't amused. He had never drowned before, and right now he felt angry. But the man didn't deserve to be the end of his frustrations, so he schooled his expressions well and said, "I was just distracted."

He tapped his left forearm as an additional explanation.

"Ah," the man said. "I wish I knew how you felt. My timer doesn't make that ticking sound."

He doesn't have a soulmate.

"Lucky you," Jaehyun found himself saying as he chugged down his bottle of water.

"How is that lucky? I'm bound to spend my days alone," the man said, sitting on the bench in front of Jaehyun. He started playing with his fingers and Jaehyun found it amusing. "You're going to find someone who'd want to spend his days with you."

"Yeah?" he asked. Jaehyun shrugged.

The man grimaced before extending his hand, "I'm Mark Lee, by the way."

When the school year started, something shifted between them. 

Jaehyun had been getting busier and busier with swimming, while Doyoung... Well, Doyoung tried to keep busy. 

Without the band, and only school to think about, he realized he had more time to waste. 

He had already planned his schedule during the summer. Doyoung was a good student, and with band and school, it seemed like he would be able to fill his time wisely, but when he quit band, there was a huge gaping hole in his schedule. He knew he could study more, but that would only tire him. The other alternative was to put more of Jaehyun in his schedule, but his soulmate never bothered to show up nowadays.

He didn't know what to do.

Doyoung hadn't known when his life had started to revolve around Jung Jaehyun. He didn't realize how uncharacteristically attached he was to the younger guy. Every moment, he wanted to prove himself to Jaehyun, wanted to spend his time with him, wanted to impress him.

It was tiring, but wouldn't it be worth it in the end?

But with Jaehyun absent, Doyoung was bored.

He walked around the university that day, looking for ways to occupy himself. His feet eventually led him in front of the room he had spent most of his summers in.

"Doyoung?" He turned to see Professor Lee walking towards him, a coffee cup in his right hand, and his tablet in the other.

"Are you part of my class again?" he asked, scrolling at something on his tablet. Doyoung shook his head, "I didn't think I'd have time this semester."

The professor grimaced, "But you're here now?"

"Apparently, I do have time," Doyoung answered sheepishly.

Professor Lee laughed before gesturing to the open classroom.

"Do you want to sit in then? Since you have time?" he asked.

Doyoung's eyes widened. He knew there were some students who sat in classes they weren't officially enrolled in for the semester. Professors discouraged it, though, since those students technically didn't pay for the class, but there were some who accepted those who sought out knowledge and welcomed them warmly in class.

He smiled, "As long as you're okay with it?"

The professor urged him inside the room before following after him. "You've always had the greatest insights in class," the professor started. "I'd love for you to open the eyes of these students, literally and figuratively," he added.

"Your usual seat is unoccupied," the professor remarked before climbing up the stage.

Doyoung glanced towards the room, and he realized no one sat on his usual seat. With a grimace, he ascended the stairs the way he usually would and took a seat.

"I didn't think I'd see you here again?" Moon Taeil, who he'd been classmates with the past two soulmate theory classes, asked.

"The Professor let me sit in," Doyoung answered, fixing his bag on the chair. "Are you enrolled in the class?"

Taeil nodded. "There's a certain unit of soulmate theory classes we need as creative writing majors," he explained. "I like Professor Lee's classes the best, though. Call me biased, but he teaches the class with substance, you know."

Doyoung grinned. He knew what Taeil meant. Professor Lee always felt like he was speaking from experience, and was just telling a story to the class rather than actually teaching it. Of course, Doyoung knew he wouldn't have possibly been able to experience all these, but as a soulmate theorist, he probably encountered a lot of people who experienced those.

" Now, where were we?" Professor Lee asked the room, and like that the class officially began.

The lesson that day was a little sad. It was about people without soulmates or those who had some, but died.

"How do people know they don't have soulmates?" One person in class asked. "I mean, we all have timers."

The professor pointed at him, a grin on his face. "A valid question," he remarked. He looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone know?"

Taeil spoke up from beside Doyoung, "It doesn't create the ticking sound, it just ticks down silently."

"Yes, that annoying ticking sound," the professor clarified, making the people laugh. Doyoung stared at Taeil, wondering how he knew. Most people weren't curious. People without soulmates were marginalized. Nobody really cared about them. Doyoung knew because of Ten, but how did Taeil?

"Some of the people who don't have soulmates sometimes forget that they even have a timer in their arms because they don't hear it ticking down," Professor Lee explained.

The class started to wind down. Most questions were trivial at the most, and just clarifications of the lessons.

" So, do you have any more questions? If you don't, we can--"

A student up front raised her hands abruptly. She looked nervous, biting her nails on one hand while the other was raised up high. The professor gestured to her to continue.

"Is it true you can cut out your soulmate from your life?" she asked.

There was a tense silence around the room. Even Professor Lee froze. No one asked that question. People are often curious, but nobody asked it out loud. Soulmates were normal in their life. Someone had ordained that their souls be one half of a whole, and trying to defy that was akin to sin.

Professor Lee sighed. He was an instructor; it was his job to tell his students about this. He looked around the room, before sitting on his desk.

" There are rumors that to remove your soulmate from your life, you just have to cut through your soulmark," he started. Professor Lee fiddled with his fingers for a while, before continuing. " When you do cut off your soulmate from your life, it'll have the same feeling as your soulmate dying. It will hurt," he said. Doyoung eyed him curiously. The way he delivered the answer felt like he had been through that before — as if it was a memory he’d rather forget.

“What if you accidentally cut through your soulmark?” 

The Professor grinned, jokingly saying, “That’s unfortunate,” earning a tense chuckle from the class. With a shake of his head, though, he added, “there’s a certain depth and specificity that is needed for you to successfully cut your soulmate off your life. That can only be made intentionally and not accidental.” 

Doyoung was about to ask a question, but then the bell rang — the question, dying on the tip of his tongue. Everyone started packing their bags and even the professor, who often stayed behind waiting for all his students to go, was the first to leave.

Taeil and he walked towards the cafeteria. They were both heading that way anyway, so they decided to go together.

"You have a soulmark," Taeil pointed out.

Doyoung instinctively looked down at his wrist and grimaced. "Yeah."

He suddenly felt shy talking about Jaehyun. It's not like he didn't want to introduce him to the whole world, but it didn't feel like it was the right time in their relationship to be introducing him to friends.

"What's he like?" Taeil asked, the same time Doyoung asked, "Do you have a soulmate?"

Taeil snickered. "I did," he said.

Doyoung raised his brow in confusion. "Did he die?"

Taeil shook his head. "He cut me off of his life once he met me."

Doyoung was about to say his apologies for bringing the topic up, but Taeil, who seemed to know what he was about to say, stopped him. "It's good now that I think about it. I mean, I'd rather not spend my whole life with someone who doesn't want me, you know?"

They arrived at the cafeteria when Taeil finished his story. Just in time, Ten started calling for him towards his table. Doyoung looked to the table to see Jaehyun sitting with them. He hadn't expected him to be there. He expected Yuta, but not Jaehyun.

"One of them your soulmate?" Taeil asked. He stared at Jaehyun when he answered. Jaehyun was on his phone, and it didn't seem like he had any interest in being there at all. Even Yuta was looking at him, waiting.

Doyoung nodded. "Yeah," he said in a small voice.

Taeil stared at him for a while before realizing it wasn't his place to ask. So he patted Doyoung's shoulder and said his goodbyes. "I hope he treats you right, Kim Doyoung," he eventually said before leaving.

Doyoung watched Taeil go, playing his words on repeat in his head. He took a deep breath before walking towards his friend's table.

"Who was that?" Ten asked as Doyoung sat in front of Jaehyun. The latter still hadn't looked up from his phone.

"A friend from soulmate theory," Doyoung answered, still looking at Jaehyun. Yuta bumped into his friend, catching Jaehyun's attention.

Flustered, he said, "Sorry, I was talking to Johnny about swim schedules." He pocketed his phone, putting his hands on the table. He looked restless, like he'd rather be on his phone than be around the three of them.

"Are you taking soulmate theory again, Kim Doyoung?" Ten asked, removing the attention from Jaehyun.

"It's calming, Ten," he answered. Yuta and Ten eyed each other, and if Doyoung wasn't looking, he would've missed the quick glance Yuta sent to his friend beside him. "And no, I just sat in one of the classes today."

Ten didn't pressure him anymore. Yuta, meanwhile, turned to Jaehyun.

"You should try the class, Jae," Yuta said. Doyoung raised his brow, and Ten was shooting weird glances at Yuta which the latter ignored.

"Me?" Jaehyun asked.

"Yeah, Doyoung could take you," Yuta said.

Jaehyun laughed — genuinely laughed, like the whole thing was a sort of joke.

"Are you serious?" Jaehyun asked.

Yuta's eyes thinned. He clicked his tongue, before saying, "Yeah, I am."

Jaehyun stopped laughing, then took a deep breath. He looked around the table. Everybody seemed to be waiting for his answer expectantly.

He scoffed. "Fine," he turned his gaze to Doyoung, "if that's what you want, then I'll do it."

Before Doyoung could say anything, though, Jaehyun grabbed his stuff, saying he needed to go to practice. Doyoung sighed in disappointment, having thought he'd be able to spend time with Jaehyun even just for a second.

Mark Lee made something shift inside Jaehyun.

Despite it being the start of the new school year, and despite Mark being a freshman, he was already attracting too much attention to himself. Even Jaehyun, who rarely cared about anything, had heard of him.

He was a great player. His records during his high school competitions proved that. There were already talks that Mark would probably get a spot in the swim team for this semester's competition, despite being a freshman — the spot Jaehyun had been working on for a year.

He didn't hate Mark, no. In fact, Jaehyun knew he had a use of Mark Lee. He was a good player, and if there was anything to learn from him, then Jaehyun would take it. Besides, competition always made Jaehyun driven. If he saw Mark Lee as competition, then he'd have a higher chance of getting the spot if he knew he needed someone to beat.

That motivated Jaehyun to work even harder.

Every semester, there were try-outs around the end of fall to pick who'd be competing in the winter games. Seven players would be chosen, but only five players get to compete — the two extra players were bench players, asked to join only when one of the five players had an injury. Despite the coaches saying that the line-up would reset every year, the players weren't fools. If you had been on the team the previous year, you'd likely be in the team the next year unless someone breaks your record — which rarely happens. They were in the team for a reason; no one just broke your record. Still, there were a few spots that open up every semester from those that graduate, or those that quit the team, like Johnny. Usually, only one spot will open, if they were lucky, there'd be two. Rarely would there be three spots to open.

That's why students, especially non-team players, work hard to get a place in the team. Once you get in, you're secured.

This year, there were two free spots from the five players that we're going to compete — one was a spot Johnny had given up on last semester. Though you could be chosen as one of the two reserves, it was very rare that either one actually played. That isn't a spot Jaehyun wanted. Reserves were always scrapped by the end of the semester, and they'd be forced to try out again. Only when you get a place in the top five, would you be able to secure a spot in the swim team.

Jaehyun had worked too hard to lose, and he wasn't going to let anything stop him from getting that spot.

Jaehyun arrived at the pool area after the awkward lunch with Yuta, Ten, and Doyoung. He was annoyed, and frankly, he needed somewhere to release the steam. When he got to the training center, only a few people were there — among them, Johnny and Mark. The try-outs wouldn’t be in two months, that’s why most students were still very lax with practicing. Besides, you’d only need a month before the games to condition yourself — at least that’s what they told themselves.

Jaehyun believed that to be a good player, you needed to be in condition every day, even if it was off-season.

“Hey, Jae,” Johnny greeted as he was towards the locker room. Jaehyun raised his brow and followed after him. He looked back for a while to see one of their head coaches, talking to Mark. He ignored it, focusing instead on changing, so he could jump into the pool immediately.

“What’s up?” Jaehyun asked. Johnny didn’t say anything, watching the people inside the locker room instead, waiting for them to leave. When they did, he locked the door and stood at a bench in front of Jaehyun’s locker. 

“There’s only one slot open for this year.” 

Jaehyun closed his locker rather forcefully. “You said there’s two?” He said.

“That was the plan! When Jongin graduated, I gave up my slot for you so you have a better chance to get into the team.”

“You gave up your position because of Taeyong,” Jaehyun pointed out. Johnny shrugged. “Well, yeah! But you also benefited from it.”

Jaehyun changed into his swim shorts as he urged Johnny to continue. “Winwin is apparently coming back from his internship, and he’s an amazing swimmer, Jae. The coaches would put him in the team without tryouts.”

Jaehyun sighed. “So it’s back to fighting for one slot.”

Johnny nodded.

“What are you afraid of anyway?” Jaehyun asked. “I’m the best non-team player.”

Johnny rolled his eyes. “That’s before Mark Lee came,” Johnny pointed out. “His record is almost the same as yours, and he’s only been here for a few weeks, Jae. Besides, you can’t be so confident, Jungwoo can easily beat your record too.”

Jaehyun threw his towel over his shoulder.

“That’s why we practice.”

“Just watch out,” he said, patting his friend’s back. Jaehyun sighed, watching him walk away. He, in turn, walked towards the pools. Mark was already swimming beside his.

There was a hierarchy in the pools. The private pools — the biggest pools, segregated away from the communal pools — were for the competing team players. Those were the fast pools, equipped with every possible equipment to make the swimming experience better.  That was also one of the reasons why most players would like to be part of the competing team. 

The biggest pool in the communal area was for the non-team players who had the best records. Often, the players who got into the team were from these pool of people. They  were composed of Jaehyun, Jungwoo, Hendery, and now... Mark Lee, apparently.

“Hey,” Mark greeted as he emerged from the pool.

“I heard you’re a fairly amazing player?” Mark said. It felt like he was taunting, but Jaehyun tried to shake it away. He shouldn’t let himself be bothered.

“I’m okay,” Jaehyun said. He wanted to vomit. He wasn’t good at playing humble.

Mark didn’t notice his discomfort, though. Instead, he bumped his shoulder to Jaehyun’s saying, “want to swim laps?”

Jaehyun stared at him, cautious. Just earlier, Johnny was telling him to watch out. He wondered if this was something he should be watching out for. But Mark’s challenging smile was frustrating.

“The first one to quit owes the other person something,” Mark added.

Jaehyun nodded. “Let’s do it, then!”

He stood at his starting block, preparing his stance. Mark laughed gleefully and stood on the starting block beside him.

“Hey, Woo!” Mark called. Jungwoo jogged towards them.

Jaehyun raised a brow. Since when were they close?

“Can you count us in?” Mark asked. Jungwoo stood on the starting block, the left of Jaehyun and counted to three. He blew a whistle, and they swam.

Jaehyun couldn’t tell how long they were doing laps. His hands were aching, and he was running out of breaths. As he pushed off the other side of the pool, suddenly his timer started ringing so loud. He stopped, covering his ears.

Mark stopped from where he was and laughed, swimming closer to Jaehyun.

“Oh,” he suddenly said when he looked at Jaehyun scowling at his left forearm. Mark sighed.

“I’m sorry,” he started.

“What?” Jaehyun asked. He hadn’t noticed Mark swim closer towards him.

“I mean,” Mark started, not really knowing what to say. He wasn’t close to Jaehyun — though he did want to get closer to all swimmers. He wasn’t sure if there were things Jaehyun wanted to talk about or not. “I shouldn’t have challenged you to do laps knowing you had a soulmate.”

Jaehyun scoffed.

“That’s nothing,” Jaehyun murmured.

Mark looked at him wide-eyed. “How is that nothing? His life depends on you, Jae!” Mark said. He looked at the big clock that hung between the pools. “Besides, it’s getting late. We should stop.”

Jaehyun, not wanting to back down, insisted for another round.

“Let’s not do that to your soulmate, Jae!” he said, rising up from the pool.

Frustrated, Jaehyun hit the water under him. He sighed.

“What do I owe you then?” he called out.

Mark shook his head. “Nothing. It was unfair competition,” Mark pointed at the direction of Jaehyun’s timer before adding, “You were at a disadvantage.”

Jaehyun groaned, before eventually rising from the pool.

Not knowing where else to go, Jaehyun walked back towards Doyoung’s apartment. He wasn’t sure when he had considered Doyoung’s apartment the one to go back to at the end of the day. He still paid his rent with Yuta, but he often ended up here. Doyoung didn’t seem to mind. Jaehyun thought Doyoung would just do absolutely everything for him, including giving him access to his apartment despite him not paying.

Guess there are perks to having soulmates, he thought as he keyed in the password.

When he got into the apartment, he stopped.

Doyoung was in the living room, playing the guitar.

It wasn’t a song Jaehyun was familiar with. Either it was a song from their band (he didn’t check out the band even when he found out Doyoung was part of it) or it was new. Hearing Doyoung sing made him realize why he had attempted this soulmate thing anyway — Doyoung’s voice. 

And the fool quit the band because of him. Jaehyun snickered at the thought, closing the door behind him.

Doyoung jumped, looking up. He put the guitar down slowly, as if he was guilty of even playing it in the first place.

“You don’t have to stop at my expense,” Jaehyun said, approaching the refrigerator. He took out a bottle of sizzling water, then gulped it down in one go. He threw that bottle to the trash, and took another one. Doyoung approached him, retrieved the bottle from the trash can, and placed it at a box underneath the kitchen sink where he put used bottles in.

“I just don’t want to think I don’t think of you, Jae,” Doyoung remarked. Jaehyun snickered, facing Doyoung with a grin.

He stepped closer and closer, pinning Doyoung between him and the kitchen sink. Frankly, it made Doyoung uncomfortable.

“Singing won’t kill me, Kim Doyoung,” Jaehyun said, with a grimace. Doyoung swallowed uncomfortably. Noticing this, Jaehyun stepped away.

He walked towards where he left his backpack at one of the chairs, grabbing his wallet.

“When’s the soulmate class again?” Jaehyun mentioned, remembering what had transpired during lunchtime. He walked towards the kitchen again, grabbing another bottle. 

“About that,” Doyoung started. Jaehyun heard him swallow again. “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. Yuta was out of line when he—“ Doyoung stopped, when Jaehyun turned to face him, looking annoyed. He had finished the bottle again, it crunched in his hands. 

“Stop trying to think everything is uncomfortable for me, Doyoung. I’m old enough to make decisions on my own.”

Jaehyun started for the door again. “I’m fine, okay?”

“You’re going out again?”

“I have to study,” he remarked. “Or something.”

When the door closed behind Jaehyun, Doyoung found himself releasing a strained breath. Then he scoffed, seeing Jaehyun’s bag still on the chair. He realized that Jaehyun just wanted to be out of the house.

When he woke up the next morning, Jaehyun still hadn’t returned. His bag was still on the kitchen table where he had left it the night before.

Doyoung wondered if he should call him, but he decided against it. He didn’t want to look too clingy. But didn ’t he have the right to ask? Doyoung shook the thought away, walking towards the refrigerator. He took out a bottle of water before glancing at the trash bin, seeing that Jaehyun had apparently thrown the second bottle again, instead of keeping it away.

Doyoung sighed. He removed the box from underneath the sink, then picked up Jaehyun’s bottle from the bin and placed it at an empty slot. He finished his bottle, placing it on top of the box, deciding to take the bottles to the building’s recycling bins.

The trip down could do him well.

As he walked, he realized he had grown weaker. His stamina was noticeably lower, and he’d been having a hard time doing things he had normally done with ease.

When your soulmate’s timer is particularly low, you will feel the effects — you’d start growing weaker. It was your body ’ s way of preparing you for the worst.

Doyoung remembered what Professor Lee said at the class he attended the day before.

He didn’t want to think about it, tried to shake the feeling away whenever he can. Jaehyun was thinking of him, right?

As he placed the bottles on the respective bin, he found his knees buckling below him, and he slid down the wall beside the recycling bins.

He was torn.

He knew how important swimming was to Jaehyun. It was all he had talked about when they started going out. But life was important to Doyoung as well. His mind ached thinking of  the decisions he had to make. Would it be fair for him and his dreams to give them all up for the sake of appeasing Jung Jaehyun?

Doyoung had already quit the band. He wasn’t asking Jaehyun to quit swimming, in fact, he actually never asked him to do anything. But at the same time, he had hoped that his soulmate would think of him as well whenever he jumped into a pool.

Doyoung still had other dreams — dreams that didn’t have to do with sacrificing his soulmate. He needed to be alive to do it.

Breathing in, and putting strength back in his legs, he started to condition his mind to be confident.

He was going to talk to Jung Jaehyun about this, and he would make him listen.

Jaehyun hadn’t returned to the apartment for a few days, or if he did, he would be there when Doyoung wasn’t. It was easy to tell Doyoung’s schedule. It was tacked on a whiteboard in his apartment. That was how Ten also knew his schedule as well. 

His bag had vanished one day, which meant he did drop by. Most of his other things, though, were still scattered around Doyoung apartment.

Doyoung was frustrated. It felt like Jaehyun knew exactly what he wanted to talk to him about that he purposefully stayed away. Though how he would know completely intrigued Doyoung. He hadn’t told Ten because telling Ten would mean telling Yuta and that meant that Jaehyun would probably find out. If it was some sort of soulmate thing, then he cursed it, because he wanted to talk to Jaehyun.

The more days passed, and the weaker he was getting, the more desperate he was to get a hold of Jung Jaehyun.

He had wanted to visit him in his college, but Jaehyun hadn’t introduced him yet to his athlete friends, and he wondered if it’ll be too soon to go seeking for him, and tell those who ask that he was his soulmate. Jaehyun might not want to see him if he heard that.

So Doyoung decided to just wait. As long as he was alive, there was time. He’d wait for Jaehyun until his last breath.

The wired telephone rang as soon as he opened his apartment door. He took time to answer it.

“ Fucking finally, Kim Doyoung, ” Ten shouted from the other line as soon as he answered. He put the phone on speaker, as he took out lunch he bought from school out of his bag. Doyoung heated it in the microwave, and talked to Ten while he waited.

“I just got home, Ten,” Doyoung explained. “What is it? And couldn’t you call on my phone?”

“Yeah right. You’ve been ignoring me,” Ten answered. “I was just going to ask if you were alright?” Ten asked. Sometimes, Doyoung wondered if Ten had superpowers to know exactly what he was feeling.

When he had met Ten at the school cafeteria back in high school when they were arguing over the last piece of cake, Doyoung had a thought then that maybe Ten could be his soulmate. Though the scar never came no matter how long Doyoung stared into Ten’s eyes (it eventually creeped out the latter, which made him give up on the cake).

They had been friends since then, and Ten had always known what Doyoung was feeling. Doyoung refused to believe that Ten wasn’t his soulmate, and just told himself that maybe the universe was wrong this time. But when Ten admitted that he didn’t have a soulmate, Doyoung accepted that it wasn’t meant to be. Besides, he realized that his love for Ten was completely platonic. He had always just felt like a best friend to Doyoung, and that’s how they stayed.

“Do you know something I don’t?” Doyoung asked. He removed an apple from the fruit basket, washed it quickly, and took a bite out of it. The food was almost done heating, but he knew he’d still have to wait for it to cool down before he can actually eat it.

“Unfortunately for you, my boyfriend isn’t telling me anything about yours.”

Doyoung stopped. Jaehyun being addressed as his boyfriend felt strange. They never really talked about it. They kissed once — and kept on kissing — until the relationship escalated to where they are now. If he was going to ask himself, Doyoung would think they were dating.

This is what dating people were like, right?

Besides, they weren’t seeing other people. If Jaehyun was seeing someone else, Yuta would know and Ten would then find out. Ten was too loyal to Doyoung as a friend not to tell him about it.

So, Doyoung assumed they were dating, despite the lack of confirmation.

“I’m fine, Ten,” Doyoung finally answered.

“Are you sure?” Ten asked.

Ten never lied to Doyoung, but Doyoung had always lied to Ten. Doyoung had too many problems and Ten never had any. He would never burden Doyoung, knock on his door holding his baggage in his hands, and dump it on him.

Ten was a positive person, and that’s the exact reason why Doyoung always chose to lie whenever it wasn’t going fine with him. He’d find out soon enough anyway, but right now, Doyoung wanted to face it on his own.

“Yeah,” he lied.

It was quiet at the other end, and Doyoung knew that Ten was listening to every little sound, anything that could betray Doyoung’s lies. He heard the latter sigh.

“Okay then,” Ten said. “You know I’m here when you need anything.”

With that, Doyoung knew he had been found out, but Ten was too loyal to him to pry when Doyoung didn’t want him too. So he hung up the phone, not asking.

“ So, what’s it like having a soulmate?” Mark asked as soon as he sat down on the bench above where Jaehyun and Johnny were sitting. Both boys looked back to see him staring at them expectantly, especially at Jaehyun.

Jaehyun cleared his throat, not knowing where to start talking about his soulmate. He hadn’t told any of his classmates about Doyoung, but he guessed that his soulmark was pretty obvious not to notice.

Johnny was expecting too, but he had caught on fast that Jaehyun might not want to share anything about it, so he cut in saying, “Want to know about my soulmate?”

Mark’s eyes widened, apparently now knowing that Johnny also had a soulmate. He tapped at the left of his chest, as if saying that’s where his soulmark is.

“First, my soulmate is amazing,” Johnny remarked. He continued spouting things about how Taeyong always took good care of him. How he had always been understanding and patient, especially with swimming.

“I almost lost him once,” Johnny admitted. Jaehyun stared at him. He had heard all about Taeyong and Johnny. The latter never really shut up about him, but he didn’t know about this. Then again, it didn’t seem like a story he’d always bring up.

Johnny started playing with his fingers before he continued. “I was focused too much on my big game, that I forgot I had a soulmate whose life depended on me.”

Jaehyun felt something get stuck on his throat, and suddenly he couldn’t swallow. It felt oddly familiar that Jaehyun knew he was sharing this just because of him. His thoughts were  affirmed with Johnny stealing glances at him. 

“When he had fallen sick, I started to feel it too. It hurt, in here,” he said, pointing to his heart. “It wasn’t a pinch, it definitely was excruciating. I had a thought that if him getting sick already hurt like that, what would it be like to if he died.”

Mark looked like he was about to cry.

“What did you do?” he asked.

Johnny shrugged, then smiled, as if the story he just told wasn’t sad at all.

“I quit the swim team and decided to coach this guy,” Johnny said, angling his head towards Jaehyun.

The latter scoffed.

“Why?” Johnny asked. “Wouldn’t you do the same for Doyoung?”

Jaehyun’s eyes grew wide. Mark looked at him expectantly, suddenly waiting for his story, but one of their head coaches blew a whistle — a signal that they had to practice. Mark groaned, before jumping off from where he sat, calling out to them that he’ll hear the story next time.

Johnny stood up and Jaehyun was still frozen on his place.

“How do you know Doyoung?” he blurted out. Johnny didn’t look back, but from what Jaehyun could see, it looked like he snickered.

“Taeyong told me about the boy Doyoung quit the band for,” Johnny explained. “He sounded familiar, so I asked Yuta if it was you.”

Jaehyun started walking towards him until he turned, and put his hands in his pocket, as if wanting to talk to Jaehyun seriously.

“How is Doyoung?”

Jaehyun gritted his teeth, saying, “How should he be?”

Johnny gestured to Jaehyun’s left arm — at his timer. “How low is it, Jae?”

Jaehyun scoffed. “My life is my responsibility,” he said, anger lacing his voice. He didn’t need to hear this from Johnny right now. “I know I allowed you to coach me, Johnny, but that doesn’t mean you can coach everything about my life.”

Johnny groaned. “But this isn’t just about your life, Jae!”

Jaehyun ignored him, walking past him towards the pool area. Johnny, annoyed, grabbed him by his wrist, making him stop and face him again. He towered over Jaehyun easily.

“Don’t make the same mistakes I did, Jae,” he said. He looked worried, genuinely wanting Jaehyun to do better than he did.

Jaehyun scoffed, “but Taeyong isn’t dead.”

He forcefully removed his wrist from Johnny’s grip, walking away.

Johnny sat on the corner of the table, reliving his conversation with Jaehyun. It frustrated him that Jaehyun didn’t heed his request just because nothing happened to Taeyong — as if he could do what Johnny did to Taeyong, to Doyoung, because in the end, no one was harmed. But Jaehyun wasn’t Johnny. Jaehyun put swimming first and foremost in his life, and Johnny was worried that Doyoung might not be as lucky as Taeyong was.

He was distracted from his thoughts when Ten started shouting to someone. Johnny looked up to see he was gesturing to someone to get closer to their table. He was eating with Taeyong’s band, and Ten. It was the first time he had actually met the band. Taeyong talked about them a lot, but he wasn’t allowed to visit gigs, just like how Taeyong wasn’t allowed to visit Johnny during practices and games. It stemmed from the fact that they always fought regarding each other’s welfare whenever they are in the presence of each other while doing their respective hobbies. Taeyong wanted to quit the band, but Johnny didn’t want him too and when Johnny quit the swim team, Taeyong got mad at him. Eventually, they reached a compromise. They would talk about it, but they would never see each other in their places of work. It was just easier that way.

This would be the first time Johnny would actually be introduced formally to Taeyong’s bandmates.

When the man Ten had called approached their table, Ten stood up beside him and showed him off as if this was a recognition event, and he was being awarded. The rest of the table clapped, and Johnny wondered if he should follow.

“Kim Doyoung, you look like a wreck,” Xiaojun piped in.

Johnny stopped.

This was Kim Doyoung.

He felt guilty somehow, being there, and not being able to successfully tell Jaehyun off. It felt like it was his fault somehow, even if he knew it wasn’t.

Unfortunately for him, Doyoung sat exactly in front of him.

“This is Johnny, by the way,” Taeyong introduced, “He’s Jaehyun’s sort of coach.”

“More like the guy who keeps pushing him to do better,” Ten piped in.

Johnny froze, putting his head down. He wondered if Jaehyun would act this way if Johnny hadn’t kept placing in his head ideas that he should do better than him — that the only place Jaehyun has to go was up and on top.

He looked up for a minute, seeing Doyoung look at him strangely before looking away, engaging in whatever conversation the band was having.

While the band was busy talking to each other, Johnny watched Doyoung. 

Though he was smiling, his smile didn’t seem to reach his eyes. As if the act itself was tiring. His shoulders were slumped, and there were dark circles around his eyes, and creases all over his face. He looked older than he should be, and Johnny knew Doyoung was even younger than him.

“Where have you been anyway?” Taeyong suddenly asked. The whole table turned to Doyoung. “We haven’t been seeing you lately! And you’re late today, I thought you had no classes this time.”

Ten threw his left arm over Doyoung’s shoulder and leaned forward.

“He’s taking soulmate theory again,” the former remarked.

Doyoung rolled his eyes as he removed Ten’s arm around his shoulder. “I told you, I’m just sitting in.”

“You’ve attended practically all lessons already. You might as well be enrolled.”

“I have a question,” Kun, their pianist, asked. “What’s the difference of getting sick and growing weaker.”

To everyone’s surprise, it was Taeyong who answered.

“Technically it should be the same. When you get sick, you get weak,” he started. “But with soulmates, it isn’t. Once you get weak, that’s like the warning — to tell your soulmate that he has to get his shit together.”

His eyes glanced quickly to Johnny, who looked uncomfortable.

“Usually when you grow weaker you can still recover, but once you get sick, that’s the end of it. You practically have to just wait out your life,” Taeyong said with a sigh. He clapped his hands suddenly, jolting everyone up, and added, “Unless, of course, it’s a new year, and your soulmate’s timer resets.”

Kun pouted, not liking the answer.

“How do you know all that?” Ten said, his eyes thinning in suspicion. “Do you take soulmate theory in the music department too?”

Taeyong shrugged, “I read about it somewhere.”

That seemed to appease Ten because he turned to Kun and Xiaojun and started talking about band things. Doyoung watched Johnny and Taeyong. Suddenly it felt awkward between them, and Doyoung wondered if Taeyong really just “read” about all he had said.

But Doyoung didn’t ask. It wasn’t his relationship. Besides, he also didn’t want to be asked about his soulmate, just in case they thought him asking would be an opening to ask about his relationship.

He wasn’t ready to talk about his relationship with Jaehyun right now.

Soon after that, the bell started to ring, signalling the end of lunch.

Ten hooked his hand on Doyoung’s arm as they bid goodbye to City 127 who were on the way to rehearsals.

“Doyoung, you sure you’re not in the wrong side?” Xiaojun called. Doyoung just smiled.

There wasn’t a day that the band asked him to come back, but Doyoung’s conviction was final. Besides, he didn’t know if he was feeling strong enough to continue with the band anyway. They eventually turned backs to each other, and parting ways, promising to see each other soon.

“Are you okay?” Ten asked, bending his body, so he could look up at Doyoung. The latter pushed Ten away, grimacing.

“I’m fine.”

“You look tired, though.

Doyoung sighed. He must’ve looked so bad — his weak state obvious to his best friend. Though he tried not to stare at himself in the mirror earlier that day, to hide the lack of life in his appearance, he had too. He could at least pretend to look better with make-up. Guess it didn’t work with his friends, though. They had kept on pointing out how bad he looked.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ten asked, sympathetically.

Doyoung shook his head, taking a deep breath. “Maybe not today, Ten. I appreciate it, though.”

Ten smiled. “Well, promise to talk to me then when it gets too hard, okay.”

The underlying meaning in Ten’s words left Doyoung speechless. Ten was telling Doyoung to talk to him when things are starting to get tough, not in general, but with Jaehyun. Doyoung wondered if it was easy that read through him.

But this was Ten.

His best friend of five years. The person who always knew how he felt. 

Ten squeezed his hand reassuringly when they got to the bottom of Doyoung’s apartment complex. He waved his best friend goodbye, promising he’d call later that day.

Doyoung waited for Ten to leave his sight before eventually climbing up to his apartment.

“ Ten ”

“What?”

Yuta stared at his boyfriend incredulously. He had been watching Ten the past half-hour, and still nothing seemed to distract Ten from his thoughts at all. They had been watching a movie in Yuta’s room, having hadn’t seen each other for a week. Yuta was excited to see his boyfriend again, and spend some quality time together, but it didn’t seem like Ten had been as excited. The movie had been done for a while, yet Ten hadn’t said a word.

“How was the movie?” Yuta asked, challenging.

Ten rolled his eyes. “How would I know? I wasn’t watching.”

Yuta laughed. Ten had always been honest, and though some answers might hurt Yuta (this didn’t), he still made sure to admit what he was really feeling. That’s what Yuta liked most about him.

“Something’s bothering you,” Yuta asked, leaning closer towards Ten and resting his head on the crook of Ten’s shoulder. The latter patted his head, as he sighed.

“Doyoung is bothering me,” he admitted. Yuta lifted his head a little to stare at Ten, and urge him to continue. Ten sighed.

“You could use words, Yuta.”

“It’s exhausting to talk,” Yuta teased, making Ten laugh. The latter grimaced, having his attempt to make Ten smile, work.

“He’s getting weaker, Yuta,” Ten started. “I don’t know much about soulmates, but I know that isn’t a good sign,” he added with a deep exhale.

Yuta looked up at Ten.

“Do you want me to talk to Jae? I have valuable advice I could use,” Yuta asked.

He knew about soulmates; he also knew what it was like to lose a soulmate. Despite Jaehyun being the culprit in all these, Yuta still didn’t want him to go through that. Besides, if he successfully made Jaehyun fix his life, then that’ll be saving Doyoung as well.

Ten stared at him sympathetically.

“I don’t want you to have to recall memories, Yuta,” Ten said. “Especially if it hurts.”

“It’s just a little ache now. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

Ten nodded, with a smile. He might always be honest, but it wasn’t actually easy for him to talk about his feelings and so, even without telling him, Yuta knew he was extremely grateful.

Jaehyun walked in to the apartment a few hours later, with Yuta in the living room — Ten, surprisingly absent — switching through TV channels. He doesn’t often do that — no one really watches TV between them anymore. So when Jaehyun saw him like that, he had wanted to turn back. He stopped by the door, sighing. There was nowhere for him to go to. He wasn’t about to go back to Doyoung’s place. It felt like he had push Doyoung away already. Going back just meant assuring the older guy that he was still committed to whatever relationship they had. Jaehyun didn’t want that for himself.

“Hey, Jae!” Yuta started. “We have to talk.”

Jaehyun had been expecting this.

When Yuta said Ten would be coming over earlier that morning and having Ten not be there meant the couple probably talked — particularly about him. Ten hated whenever Yuta and Jaehyun had confrontation and him not being there just solidified Jaehyun’s assumption that whatever Yuta was planning was an intervention.

“I’m busy,” Jaehyun tried to excuse.

“Well, I can wait,” Yuta shrugged, leaning on the sofa, switching channels again.

Jaehyun sighed.

It was better to get this over with.

He threw his bag at the empty space on the sofa, and sat at the armchair in front of Yuta, leaning forward, hands clasped together as if he was being told off by a professor.

“This is about Doyoung?” Jaehyun started. Though Yuta was always the one tasked to talk to him about stuff that bothered Ten regarding him, he wasn’t exactly great at confrontation; that’s why they didn’t often do it. Yuta would’ve said so many things before actually getting to the point. Jaehyun didn’t want to hear all those, especially since he knew what this was about anyway.

“So we’re jumping right into it this time, huh?” Yuta remarked with a nod, turning off the TV.

“Yes, it’s about Doyoung. He’s dying, Jae,” Yuta lied. It wasn’t a complete lie. Doyoung wasn’t sick yet, so the possibility of him recovering was high, but that’ll only happen if Jaehyun would start fixing his habits, and watching the movements that made him breathe more than usual.

“I feel fine, though,” Jaehyun said, clicking his tongue, and Yuta realized he didn’t believe him. He scoffed. 

Of course, Jaehyun wouldn’t believe him. If Doyoung was dying, Jaehyun would feel it too.

Yuta sighed. “Fine, he’s not dying... yet. But he would be Jae if you don’t fix,” he vaguely gestures to Jaehyun before adding, “this.”

Jaehyun stared at Yuta and Yuta stared back. They were in a nonverbal conversation, only their eyes speaking. Jaehyun didn’t know how long their stare-off lasted, but he looked away first. He stood up and grabbed his bag.

“I’ll go talk to him,” Jaehyun muttered.

Yuta stood up when Jaehyun started to walk.

“I know it’s difficult, Jae,” Yuta explained. “But if you just let go of your prejudice with soulmates, you can actually be happy.”

Jaehyun just nodded, walking away.

He didn’t want to define his happiness with his relationship with someone. That was too messy, and often it didn’t work. He’d rather be happy in his own terms, and his terms did not include Kim Doyoung.

Doyoung was waiting for something when Jaehyun got to the apartment. He didn’t want to think that he was waiting for him because if that was the case, he would’ve been waiting every day since Jaehyun left.

Jaehyun scoffed, finding it a little pathetic.

It took a while before Doyoung caught sight of him. When he did, he looked surprised.

So he wasn’t waiting for me, Jaehyun thought.

“Can we talk?” Jaehyun asked. Doyoung raised his brow, as if he wasn’t expecting this from Jaehyun. Before the latter could answer, though, a pizza delivery guy walked towards them, holding a box. Only smiles were exchanged between them. They looked comfortable around each other to know exactly what they should do.

After Doyoung paid with his card, the delivery guy bowed slightly, eyeing Jaehyun cautiously before walking away.

“Have you eaten?” Doyoung asked.

Jaehyun shook his head.

“I guess a box would be enough for both of us, then.”

Jaehyun barely heard him speak. His voice was quiet, and it quivered as he spoke. He looked at Doyoung once over and noticed the prominent lines around his eyes, plus the dark circles surrounding it. It looked like he was beaten up, and deprived of food and water for days.

Was this his doing?

They walked to the apartment in silence, neither not knowing what to say, afraid that once something comes out it wouldn’t stop.

Jaehyun didn’t really know what he was going to say. He agreed to meet Doyoung because Yuta would definitely not stop pestering him about it, and would probably even drive Jaehyun towards Doyoung’s apartment, gagged and bound, and deposit him on his soulmate’s doorstep.

Sometimes agreeing to Yuta was the easier way out.

“Do you want to eat first?” Doyoung asked.

Jaehyun swallowed the uncomfortable feeling clogging his throat. Doyoung was being so kind, and it made Jaehyun squeamish. If whatever was going on with Doyoung had something to do with him, then he definitely deserved to be shouted at, but Doyoung was calm. He looked collected enough to give Jaehyun a good treatment — plate in front of him, and food on top of it.

It frustrated Jaehyun that this was how Doyoung was treating him. He had been ready for confrontation, but he wasn’t ready for this.

They ate in silence, face to face. Doyoung was looking through something at his phone, and Jaehyun was just staring at him, waiting for something. The whole time they ate, Doyoung never once looked up at him. 

Jaehyun groaned.

He put the pizza he was eating down, and pushed the plate away, staring at Doyoung. This time, the older man looked back at him. He flipped his phone, staring back.

“What did you want to talk about?” Doyoung started. He pushed his plate away, clearing everything between them.

Jaehyun shrugged. “I was going to ask how you were doing?”

Doyoung raised a brow in suspicion. He didn’t believe that was the only reason for Jaehyun being there. Besides, he didn’t think Jaehyun was capable of worrying.

“How do you think I’m doing.”

Jaehyun scoffed. “How would I know if you’re not telling me?”

Doyoung clucked his tongue. “Do I look fine to you, Jung Jaehyun?”

He didn’t. 

But Jaehyun didn’t want to give Doyoung the satisfaction that he knew this was his fault. He wasn’t supposed to care, and he didn’t. But Doyoung could just as easily misunderstand.

“Do you care about me, Jae?” Doyoung asked suddenly, making Jaehyun freeze.

He grimaced, “Of course I do.”

Doyoung bit on his tongue because that didn’t sound sincere at all.

He swallowed his discomfort, asking, “How many do you have left then? Breaths?”

“Enough to make it out of the year,” Jaehyun replied with a shrug — nonchalant.

Doyoung wanted to shout. Jaehyun was treating this like a joke — as if a life wasn’t on the line.

“Can’t you take this seriously?” Doyoung said, voice rising. He wasn’t going to shout. He wasn’t going to give Jaehyun even an ounce of satisfaction that he was winning.

Doyoung was strong , he told himself.

“What do you want me to do, Doyoung?” Jaehyun said. Frustration laced his voice, and Doyoung was sure he was mad. “What is it you want from me?”

All the requests Doyoung had been telling himself the past few days, the words he had been practicing to say, flooded his mind, but it failed to slip out. He was suddenly scared, especially hearing Jaehyun’s tone of voice. That one word out of place will make him snap, and that terrified Doyoung. 

Jaehyun stared at him, looking impatient as he waited for an answer. 

Soon, he sighed, patience gone — only frustrations overflowing.

“I have free time tomorrow. Don’t you have a soulmate theory class?” Jaehyun asked.

Doyoung stopped. Why was he bringing that up now?

“I’ll go to your stupid class. Will that make you happy?” he explained.

Doyoung scoffed. “No, Jaehyun!” He wanted to shout. “What would make me happy is if you put me first for once.”

But Doyoung had a weakness. He never had the confidence to speak up. His thoughts and feelings bubbled in the surface, but instead of pouring it out, he just put a lid on it — hoping it’ll just evaporate inside him.

With a shake of his head, Jaehyun grabbed his bag and left, leaving Doyoung sitting there with all the words he hadn’t said still threatening to overflow.

Like any other day, Doyoung just put a lid on it. Instead, he let his tears pour down instead. Besides, that was easier to release. 

Doyoung was anxious. Jaehyun kept to his word and actually appeared in front of the  soulmate theory class the next day. 

The funny thing was, Doyoung had hoped Jaehyun would forget. He even had a thought not  to show up in class. No one would miss him — he wasn’t enrolled in class at all. Despite him berating himself in the morning to not go, though, he knew he should, with the possibility that Jaehyun would be there.

And he was. He was there even before Doyoung arrived. 

Looking back that day, Doyoung would’ve forgiven him if he actually didn’t go, but it seemed like Jaehyun wanted to prove something to him. Whatever that was, he definitely wasn’t able to prove it, Doyoung thought. 

They had entered the classroom early, slipping into the room as soon as the previous class finished. He went to Professor Lee as soon as he entered, while Jaehyun took a seat at the back of the class. Though he didn’t want to introduce who Jaehyun was exactly, it seemed like the Professor already had an inkling. From that moment on, until the class started, Doyoung was anxious. 

It didn’t help that the Professor had to announce who they were, apparently ecstatic that there were actual soulmates in his class. 

The class started off well, and Jaehyun looked like he was actually listening. Doyoung was starting to feel hopeful that they’d be able to end class in a peace. 

That was, until Jaehyun started asking questions. 

“Is there any statistics on how many soulmates actually don’t work out?” Jaehyun started. Doyoung felt his face heat up when everyone turned to look at them. “Or do the higher-ups hide the statistic just to prove that all soulmates work?” 

“What?” Professor Lee asked, somehow shocked by the question. 

There was a rule in Soulmate Classes — not only this class, but all others as well. As soulmates are such a big deal in the society having most of the population have soulmates, it was counted as the law. Having an occurrence happen to the majority of the population and saying something negative about it wasn’t a great look for anyone, especially for the people involved. Once someone starts questioning the norm, things go wrong. 

Professor Lee wasn’t ready for that question because no one ever asked him that before. 

Doyoung sighed. Of course, it’ll be the soulmate of Kim Doyoung — the man who always spoke so positively of soulmates, who always aced his soulmate classes — to speak out against it. 

“I mean —“ the professor started, recovering, “of course there are cases that soulmates don’t work. But it’s not really normal —“ 

“Why isn’t it?” Jaehyun cut in. “Shouldn’t we be given the choice to be with someone we actually want to be with, rather than be forced to be with someone we were ordained to be with by someone else?” he gestured vaguely at the air at the last part, as if the whole idea was conjured out from nothing.  

“Yes, the idea of soulmates is sometimes daunting, but we’re one half of a whole, it might not work at the beginning, but it will work somehow.”  

It was a battle of wits. The whole room was silent, waiting for the exchange to continue. In Doyoung’s case, he wanted it to end. 

“But what if it doesn’t?” Jaehyun retorted. “Should we subject our lives to be with someone we’re not going to enjoy being with? Are we going to subject ourselves to be unhappy?” 

The Professor thinned his eyes at Jaehyun, putting one hand on his hip, while he leaned onto the table. He looked at the young man curiously, before asking, “Mr. Jung? Are you perhaps unsatisfied with your soulmate?” 

“I’m completely happy,” Jaehyun answered between gritted teeth. Eventually the bell rang, and like someone breaking a spell, everyone suddenly forgot what transpired as if it didn’t happen in the first place. 

Doyoung’s heart broke, looking as Jaehyun fixed his things. He might not know Jaehyun for too long, but somehow at that moment it was as if he had known Jaehyun all his life. 

He had been lying when he said he was happy, and Doyoung felt it. 

“That was a waste,” Jaehyun whispered under his breath, and Doyoung pretended he didn’t hear. He walked down the stairs two steps at a time, seemingly impatient to leave. As Doyoung followed him, he felt someone grab on his elbow. 

“Are you alright?” he looked around to see Taeil looking at him with worry. He let go of Doyoung’s elbow as he fixed his bag. 

“Doyoung, hurry! I’m hungry,” Jaehyun shouted from the front door. Both Doyoung and Taeil looked at him, before Doyoung sighed and nodded to Taeil, forcing a smile on his face. 

“I’m fine,” he said, and he started walking down. 

“Hey, Doyoung?” Taeil muttered just before Doyoung could leave. The latter turned, waiting, “I hope you’re doing whatever makes you happy, okay?” 

Doyoung felt like crying. 

Doyoung’s anger was radiating around him. Jaehyun didn’t know why he knew, but he felt cold — shivers passing down his spine whenever he was beside Doyoung. It didn’t help that Doyoung was placid, and refused to talk about it.

When they got back to the apartment after lunch, and a movie — Jaehyun thought treating Doyoung out would appease his anger, but it didn’t — he started getting frustrated. 

The older man, though, acted like there was nothing wrong. He still answered to Jaehyun’s beck and call, and would serve him as if he was king. But he looked uncomfortable doing it, and somehow Jaehyun felt uncomfortable too. 

It was when Doyoung was serving dinner that Jaehyun finally snapped. 

“Are you not going to talk about it?” Jaehyun said. Doyoung didn’t answer at first, scooping rice on his plate before pushing the bowl towards Jaehyun. 

“The movie?” Doyoung asked, feigning innocence. “It was good.” 

He started eating, glancing over his phone but refusing to look up. 

Jaehyun sighed. He noticed Doyoung flinch, but the latter quickly recovered. 

“I meant whatever it is you’re feeling, Doyoung,” Jaehyun explained. “You’re angry!” 

Doyoung put down his chopsticks and crossed his hands over his chest. “I don’t know what you’re talking about?” 

“Are we going to play a guessing game then? Do you want me to guess what you’re feeling?” Jaehyun asked. “Because Doyoung I don’t care if we’re soulmates, that telepathy thing that exists with soulmates isn’t real. Better-halves my ass. If you’re not going to tell me what’s bothering you, then I would never know.” 

It hurt Doyoung like a gust of wind on a winter morning, the realization that Jung Jaehyun doesn’t care about him at all. He didn’t believe in soulmates, despite them literally sharing the same marks. For him, Doyoung was just another person he could play with. 

What frustrated Doyoung is that he actually tried to fall in love with the man in front of him; he wanted to.  He  thought that maybe it was possible, given with time. 

Doyoung reached out for his glass of water to keep himself calm. 

“If you want to be satisfied — to fulfill your soulmate fantasy of reading thoughts — you won’t find it with me,” Jaehyun started to rise in his seat, and that’s when Doyoung was sure of one thing. He’d had enough. 

He put the glass forcefully down the table, making it break, water spilling all over, and dripping down the floor. The glass cut through Doyoung’s hand, but he didn’t care. 

Jaehyun looked at him and then at his hand. 

“You’re bleeding,” he let out instinctively. 

Doyoung scoffed. “And now you care?” 

“What?” 

“Do you want to know what I wanted?” Doyoung started, walking across the table and standing in front of his soulmate. “I wanted you to care for me,” he started. He didn’t care if he looked pathetic. Jaehyun needed to hear this. 

“I don’t want you to love me — I know it’s not going to happen anytime soon, but you could’ve treated me like a normal human being, Jung Jaehyun.” 

Jaehyun scoffed. He couldn’t believe he was hearing this. After everything, he had done for Doyoung, suddenly it hadn’t even evident. Jaehyun tried to be good to Doyoung. He knew he had been. He was about to list down every little thing he did for Doyoung, but then he stopped, his brain blank.  

“Are you not capable of that?” Doyoung added, taking Jaehyun out of his thoughts. 

“I—“ Jaehyun’s word caught in his throat. He really didn’t know what to say. Relationships always had fights, especially if it was new. He knew he’d have to have a fight with Doyoung sooner or later. But he didn’t expect this. 

This was why he didn’t like dating long-term, or settling down with one person. 

Fights were messy, and spontaneous. It triggered to ruin the perfect balance Jaehyun had created in his life. Fighting was never in his schedule today. He had hoped to get home, eat a good dinner, and sleep (or maybe something more that involves Doyoung in bed) but not this. 

“How do you think I felt with your little stunt at class today?” Doyoung asked.  “You didn’t even think about how embarrassing that all was for me?”  

And there it was, the root of the problem. Jaehyun found himself laughing. Something clicked in his mind like a switched. All of his past thoughts buried itself in Jaehyun’s subconscious, and all Jaehyun could think about was how stupid the whole thing was. 

Doyoung clenched his jaw, as he watched Jaehyun laugh. 

“You’re mad at me because of that?” Jaehyun asked, the mirth still present in his eyes. “Kim Doyoung, how can you be so pathetic?” 

Doyoung was lost for words. Why did it suddenly feel like it was his fault, like he was supposed to be understanding instead? This was how Jung Jaehyun was, and he needed to be the one to adjust to that. 

“I’m your soulmate, Jae,” Doyoung laid out. “Having your soulmate literally question what your relationship was about —“ 

“God, why are you so bothered by all this?” Jaehyun interrupted, feeling his frustration increased tenfold. He turned away from Doyoung, passing his hands through his hair. “We’re not even dating!” The words slipped out of Jaehyun’s mouth like vomit — vile and disgusting. 

He groaned; he hadn’t meant to say that. 

Jaehyun turned to look back at Doyoung wanting to apologize, but the look on his soulmate’s face made him uncomfortable. It wasn’t a look Doyoung had given him before, but Jaehyun knew that look all too well — disgust. 

“Stop looking at me like that,” Jaehyun said. 

He had seen that face multiple times — from family members who expected a lot from him then turning out being disappointed, from a father that wanted a son just like him but isn’t. It made Jaehyun uncomfortable and something in his heart throbbed — a small but painful pinch that he managed to make someone who would supposedly love him look at him that way.

“And how am I looking at you?” Doyoung asked. 

His voice was surprisingly stable. Jaehyun thought he was going to start screaming at him — like everyone else did. 

“Like you don’t want to have anything to do with me.” 

The older man grimaced, “Well, I’m glad the message was delivered then, because I really don’t want to do anything with you right now.” 

A force knocked Jaehyun out of his place, making him stagger. 

“Get out.” 

He didn’t scream it out, or repeat it. 

Instead, Doyoung walked away, towards the bathroom, clutching his injured hand. 

Jaehyun was dismissed. There was no point in trying to explain himself.

The break-up — or whatever it is called, as Jaehyun clarified they hadn’t been together in the first place — made them both snap. 

Doyoung, determined, went back to City 127. He knew, though the scared him, that he would probably die that year, so he wanted to do something that will make him happy. Singing and the band had always been his comfort. It was what he was good at, and doing something comfortable made him happy. 

Though the members of the band has welcomed him back wholeheartedly, they made him rest most of the time. Taeyong excused that he was already writing most of their songs, and singing what he had written would be easy for him to do anyway. He didn’t need additional practice 

But Doyoung knew why they wanted him to rest. He didn't only feel exhausted, but be looked it. No matter what he did to hide make himself look better, his weakness still showed 

The day after he had sent Jaehyun packing, he refused to look at himself in the mirror. He hadn't cried that day; Jaehyun didn't deserve his tears. 

But the result of Jaehyun's carelessness was easily seen.

Doyoung looked liked he aged significantly. There were dark circles surrounding his eyes, and the lines that weren't prominent before stood out. He felt as weak as how he looked. Even the timer in his left arm started fading. It felt like his appearance was telling him to give up, as if the end was near. 

It broke Doyoung's heart. For days after they ended, he didn't sleep, didn't eat or even go to his classes. He didn't answer his calls, or even the knocks at the door, often grateful that whoever was at the other side didn’t push themselves in.  The thought of wanting to die in his terms than let Jaehyun kill him off had crossed his mind, and somehow, Doyoung was tempted. 

But it took a series of long ticks from his timer to wake him up. He had a lot of breaths left, despite October almost ending. He realized that Jaehyun was probably living his life and yet here was Doyoung, feeling miserable. 

That day, he finally decided to live for himself and not let Jung Jaehyun win.  He was going to live, or at least, live the rest of his life the way he wanted to. The year was going to end in two months, and Doyoung was determined to live it. 

So he stood up that day, took a long look in the mirror, and smiled. He went back to the band that day, and for the first time in a while, he found himself genuinely happy again. 

October transitioned to November quick. He was back in the band, and they were doing gigs again. Doyoung didn't let his weakness put him, or the band, down. He worked hard, because that was how Doyoung was. 

Jung Jaehyun wasn't allowed to ruin his life — not anymore.

On the other hand, it was easy for Jaehyun to get back to routine when he left Doyoung. He had swimming before Doyoung, and now he'd have it back without him. 

All of his October and early November days were spent practicing. The tryouts would be happening at the last week of November, and Jaehyun was now more desperate to get that one slot. 

Sure, he had a decent chance of being called in as a reserve, but reserves didn't have names. Jung Jaehyun wanted to be known. 

Yuta had refused to talk to him, though he allowed him to move back to the apartment. All his stuff was mailed to him around a week after the break-up, but Jaehyun didn't even notice. His focus was on swimming and that was the only thing that he wanted on his mind. 

Johnny tried to talk some sense to him. It was awkward — their friendship. The older man was taking Jaehyun’s soulmate's side (probably because Taeyong had asked Johnny to), telling Jaehyun to think things through. It took Jaehyun pointing out that they had been swimming together longer than Johnny had been dating Taeyong, to make Johnny stop pestering. Besides, it was tiring for Johnny. Jaehyun just wouldn't listen. 

Doyoung and Jaehyun forgot about each other and moved on with their lives outside each other. But what they didn't realize was they were still soulmates. Their souls were still one-half of a whole and no matter how much they tried not to acknowledge each other, the universe acknowledged them together. 

It eventually fell apart on the last weekend of November. Jaehyun had tryouts and Doyoung had a gig. 

There were three tryouts that day. Junior tryouts, where mostly freshmen and some high school students from their university, joined. Team tryouts, for relay games. Then the individual tryouts for the individual games — the games Jaehyun was vying for. 

The two prior tryouts lasted for hours, and when the individual tryouts came, it was pushing nighttime.

But that didn’t matter. These players were determined. They’d swim under the rain if they have to. There were just some things that even the threats of nature couldn’t stop, and this was one of them. 

Jaehyun stood in front of his starting block, the second one from the left of the pool. Jungwoo was on his left, and Mark was on his right. 

The competition was tough, he admitted, but his determination was stronger. If he doesn’t get this, then the chances of him getting picked was slim. 

As much as possible, you’d like to be picked earlier in your college years. First years often represented the university in the Junior Divisions, and only rarely were they asked to participate in the Season’s tryouts. Case in point: Mark Lee. Ideally, second years were picked. The more years you are in the team, the more national teams would likely take you in. The earlier you get picked, the more years you can prove yourself. Competition and experience were the key. If you wanted to be known as a swimmer in the future, you’d have to work hard for it. 

Sports was a battlefield, and Jaehyun was determined to kill. 

Doyoung was busy rehearsing for his biggest gig ever since he came back to the band. Coincidentally, it was the same venue he had met Jaehyun in. 

He looked around the café, void of its usual bustling people — closed for an hour in order for City 127 to prepare. Ten, alongside the staff of the café, were the only ones in the crowd. He sat on his usual table, a bag already placed on where Yuta would be sitting. The latter apparently had somewhere to be for the time being, and assured them he’d follow. When Doyoung asked where Yuta was, Ten just laughed nervously, saying he didn’t really know. It was easy to detect the apprehension in Ten’s voice, and the secrets he didn’t tell spilled in his nervousness. Yuta was with Jaehyun. 

He had wanted to ask what Jaehyun was doing — though he assumed it probably involved swimming. It always had been with Jaehyun. Eventually he didn’t ask, knowing nothing good will come out of it.

Shaking the thought of Jaehyun away, Doyoung then looked behind him, where his bandmates were setting up the instruments. Taeyong was sitting behind his drum set, checking whether there were any loose screws, while both Kun and Xiaojun tuned their respective instruments.   

He, meanwhile, turned back to the mic, seeing the band ready. There was an itch in his throat, which he pushed away with water. Ignoring the itch, he got ready to practice.

Jaehyun closed his eyes, trying to calm his heart. It wasn’t good to be nervous. He did his usual breathing exercises, making sure he was filling his lungs with enough oxygen. 

One of the coaches started talking about rules, something they all had heard before. Jaehyun tuned him out and focused on the water.

They climbed up in their starting blocks as soon as the coach finished talking. With eyes on the water, he waited for the whistle.

All of his surroundings seemed tense, and he could feel the nervousness emitting out of everyone. But he wasn’t going to be nervous; he was going to win.

The coach called for them to take their positions on the starting block. Once the whistle blew, they dove in. 

Doyoung started coughing loudly, an ache in his chest.

He breathed in deeply, trying to get some air in his lungs, but that seemed to be doing more harm than good. A few people were already piling into the café. In a few minutes, they were going to start. He saw Xiaojun in his periphery looking at him worriedly. A few seconds later, he felt his bandmate beside him. 

“Are you okay?” the younger one asked, passing him a bottle of water.

He downed the whole thing in a gulp. His vision was getting blurry, and he was feeling dizzy. His legs were weak, and he started staggering.

Taeyong didn’t see Doyoung from where he was standing, talking with Kun and Ten. Only when Doyoung staggered into the spare guitars did he catch everyone’s attention.

Xiaojun, who was beside Doyoung, started calling for someone to call 911, looking at Doyoung on the floor.

His breaths were labored, and blood was dripping from his nose.

Taeyong was frozen. He had seen this scene before, felt it, even.

Doyoung was dying.

Jaehyun was feeling really proud of himself. From his periphery, he could see where the players were, and currently, he’s leading. He turned the pool first, feeling his heart thumping in excitement. 

He was going to win this. Finally, the hard work he had put in swimming for the past years was paying off. He was going to be part of the competing team. It felt like all his dreams were finally coming true.

As he emerged from the water to inhale a large breath of air, 15 meters before he finished his lap, he felt his heart ache. He heard a deafening sound from his left arm, and suddenly, he spasmed.

Jaehyun clutched his chest, as if that had anything to do with the pain he was experiencing. Water started to fill his lungs. He heard shouts, but he couldn’t remember what happened next.

III. WINTER

The cold of winter was freezing. 

Despite the amount of blankets he had surrounding him, or the heater at max, Jaehyun still shivered.  

He woke up alone — as he always had for months now. Still, today felt different — felt colder. His timer was splotched on his forearm — red. 

Ever since the day of the accident, it hadn’t returned to the white-translucent color it originally had. Instead, it turned blood-red — painfully obvious — as if it was telling him to notice it. He knew it had something to do with his accident. Still, what caused the accident, he’d rather not think about. 

Doyoung was involved. He knew that. But he wasn’t about to acknowledge it. If he didn’t acknowledge it, maybe it wouldn’t exist. 

The cold seeped into his room, from the empty halls of his shared apartment with Yuta. Jaehyun’s roommate hadn’t returned home since his accident, and Jaehyun could tell it had something to do with Ten — in extension, with Doyoung. 

Despite Jaehyun getting frustrated that Yuta really picked Ten over him, he had since realized that was a losing battle. Yuta would never pick Jaehyun over Ten. He’d never pick anyone over Ten.

Somehow that saddened Jaehyun, as he looked back at his life. When would he have something like that?

The thought flitted through his mind, leaving faster than when it came. Jaehyun shook his head aggressively, not wanting to think of thoughts like that. That wasn’t like him. These things supposedly didn’t matter to him. 

Jaehyun did try to call his roommate. He heard that Yuta had been the one who drive him to the university hospital after his accident, but when Jaehyun woke up the next day, Yuta was gone. He had wanted to thank the older man, or just to talk to him, but all his calls were left unanswered. 

Ten must’ve forbid him to talk to Jaehyun, or Yuta just didn’t want to answer. Jaehyun didn’t want to think that the latter was possible, but he thought he deserved it.

What happened in the pool was his fault. Though he did blame Doyoung for a few days after the accident, especially after hearing he had lost the empty spot in the swim team to Mark Lee.

“You’re on the reserve team, Jae. That’s good enough, ” Johnny had told him when Jaehyun threw one of the hospital vases at the wall after Johnny told him the news. He blamed it all on Doyoung. Why couldn’t he be healthier? Why couldn’t he be stronger?

Eventually, when all the anger subsided, and the guilt ate away at his heart, he had realized that it was partially his fault. He stopped blaming Doyoung, but he had blamed whoever had ordained them together. If soulmates were a plan of an all-knowing and great being, why weren’t they able to see how bad Doyoung and Jaehyun were for each other? So Jaehyun put his anger on them — whoever they were.

If you asked someone else, it was solely Jaehyun’s fault, but he didn’t want to admit that.

He was following his dream. Why was that a sin?

To an extent, Jaehyun admitted he was at fault. There was a nagging voice inside his head — making his head hurt — saying he should’ve been more careful. It was only when Jaehyun accepted he had a fault to the whole thing that the ache in his head stopped.

He rose from the bed, walking towards the bathroom to get ready for the day. He was going home, and his mother didn’t like him being late.

“ Hey, Jae! ” he heard from their telephone — a voicemail playing — as soon as he walked out of the bathroom. His mother had insisted that they get a phone just so she could call him, but she barely called. Only during holidays when Jaehyun was going home did the phone actually ring. “I hope you’re awake and ready, because we’re pulling up to the station in an hour.”

He sighed. It wasn’t his mother’s voice that rang around the room, but instead it was his brother. Jeno sounded excited somehow, and Jaehyun wondered if their father had already told him about how much of a failure Jaehyun was to the family. Jeno probably found out, though. If he didn’t hear it from his father, he might’ve seen it on the internet — written on the hundreds of articles all about him.

Somehow that made Jaehyun feel guiltier. Jeno had always looked up to him.

There was nothing worthy of looking up to now.

A few minutes, he got a message from Mark and Johnny, saying they were at the parking lot of the apartment already.

They were the only ones who talked to Jaehyun anymore, or who Jaehyun talked to. It was probably because they had been there when it happened, but they never asked about the accident, or how Jaehyun was doing. Most of all, they weren’t asking him what actually happened.

How were you supposed to explain that you fucked up all this soulmate thing and cost yourself a match?

No, Jaehyun couldn’t say that.

So he stayed away from people, and kept close to those who didn’t pry.

He looked around the apartment trying to find something — a reason to stay maybe — but only the walls that echoed silence stared back at him. He sighed for the nth time. It felt like that was the only thing he could do. Donning his jacket, and grabbing his bag, he closed the door behind him.

When Johnny and Mark saw Jaehyun walk out of the building, they both waved.

Jaehyun walked towards them in silence. He greeted Johnny, and smiled awkwardly at Mark.

Jaehyun wasn’t envious; Mark deserved the spot.

He was a great player and would be a great addition to the team. But Jaehyun would’ve hoped he got the spot first. Mark had more years on him, and he could always join the team the next year. It felt awkward for Jaehyun not only because he was a reserve — waiting for someone from the team to be unavailable for the competition — but Mark had saved his life during the accident. 

Since then, Jaehyun couldn’t really meet him in the eye. It now seemed like he owed Mark something, but the younger man never brought it up or asked, which made Jaehyun feel even more awkward. 

“You’re not driving?” Jaehyun asked Johnny, seeing the car.

“About that,” Johnny glanced nervously at Mark before continuing, “I have something to do with Taeyong.”

Jaehyun tried to school his expression to not betray his disappointment. Instead, he just nodded. .

Here was another of his friends picking their significant other over him. The ache in Jaehyun’s chest scratched on the surface of his heart, making him feel irritated.

If he had wished to have someone like that, he was giving up all the beliefs he had built for his whole life. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to tear it down yet.

Greeting Johnny goodbye, he rode Mark’s car.

The whole ride was Mark just trying to cheer him up, or at least that’s what Jaehyun felt like. He didn’t feel particularly cheered up, but he was able to forget about a few things.

He was grateful to Mark for trying.

They got to the station, the same time his phone kept ringing from hundreds of messages from his brother. It took a minute before they eventually found each other. Jeno was standing outside the station, waving his hands above his head. As Jaehyun and Mark walked towards Jeno, Jaehyun noticed Jeno wasn’t alone.

“Jae!” Jeno shouted, almost jumping onto his brother in excitement. Jaehyun patted his brother’s head, a signal to let him go.

“Who’s this?” Jaehyun asked, pointing at Jeno’s companion, who was still awkwardly standing beside them. Jeno turned to see where Jaehyun was pointing at, while trying to get a hold of some of Jaehyun’s bag.

“Oh!” Jeno exclaimed, as if forgetting. “This is Lucas, a friend I made back in dance camp,” Jeno answered. “He had been leaving the station when I saw him. He studies in your university!”

“Really?” Jaehyun asked. He wasn’t really interested, but he was courteous enough to continue the conversation. Jeno just nodded his head.

Lucas patted Jeno’s back, and started waving awkwardly at them.

“I have to go,” he started. “Still have dance practice to attend to.”

“Do you have money for a cab?” Jeno asked.

Lucas shrugged, “I’ll just wait for the bus.”

“Are you going to the university?” Mark piped up. If he hadn’t spoken, Jaehyun would’ve forgotten he was there. He noticed his friend grow particularly red. Jaehyun wondered if it was because of the cold.

“Yeah,” Lucas answered.

“I could drive you,” Mark said, awkwardly. Both Jeno and Jaehyun raised their brow, as Lucas agreed. “Yeah, yeah!” he started. “That sounds great.”

Soon enough, Lucas and Mark bid their farewells, as Jeno and Jaehyun prepared to go home.

Jaehyun hadn’t planned to go home. He had never gone home for as long as he remembered. Though his parents were still married, they lived separately. Jaehyun’s father lived in the city, while his mother lived in the countryside — where their home was. When Jaehyun started pursuing swimming as more than just a hobby, his father eventually took him to the city where he could train more.

There were more opportunities in the city, and Jaehyun’s father always wanted what was best for him. Busy practicing, he barely went home. Holidays, birthdays and other celebrations were held in the city. Sometimes it was just Jaehyun and his father, eating at an expensive restaurant, or hiring someone to cook them expensive food. Most of the time, it was only Jaehyun alone, wherever he wanted to go.

He’d often party out or stay home, waiting for a call from his mother or from Jeno.

It was very rare that both him and his father actually go home to celebrate anything.

He went home this year just because he didn’t want to face his father’s wrath, especially after him losing. It didn’t help that his father was a famous politician and his accident had already been on the news an hour after it had happened. He ignored his father’s calls, and escaped all of his father’s bodyguards and assistants trying to get him to go back to his father’s house. 

Instead, he called his mother the moment he had recovered from the accident, and told her he was going home.

So here he was, Jeno beside him, chatting about all the things they could do for the whole week. 

“Are you staying for Christmas?” Jeno asked.

Jaehyun nodded, “I’ll leave the day after, though. Practice continues on the 27th.”

“That’s good. At least you can finally celebrate Christmas here.”

Jeno was busy trying to open a packet of jellies for him to look up, but Jaehyun didn’t need to see Jeno’s face to know how his brother felt. He had been gone for too long, and as siblings who only had each other, Jaehyun understood that Jeno must’ve missed him a lot.

It was only now that Jaehyun was beside his brother, did he realize that he also missed Jeno. He always focused too much on swimming, that he neglected the people around him.

“By the way, I have someone to introduce you to,” Jeno said, a blush creeping up his cheeks. When his younger brother passed him the pack, Jaehyun saw something. There was a mark on the inside of Jeno’s wrist that Jaehyun found so familiar because he had the same mark.

Jeno had a soulmate.

It was easy to decode who Jeno was going to introduce him to.

There was a sinking feeling at the bottom of his stomach, something unknown yet also familiar. Soulmates made him uncomfortable, and having to be an older brother that taught his younger brother things about the world, this suddenly made him scared.

What was he going to tell Jeno about his soulmate? Would it be easy for him to tell Jeno exactly what he had done?

Because he knew Jeno was going to ask, and somehow, Jaehyun wasn’t ready on what to answer.

He gulped down a bottle of water, hoping that’ll erase the strange feeling, and started talking to Jeno about other things.

Home was quiet, not that Jaehyun expected it to be anything else. When he got to the house, the maids immediately pampered him, focusing on making him feel better. His mother, though, did not greet him, but she was probably responsible for everyone doting on him.

He suddenly felt uncomfortable, like he was a guest in his own house and the hosts of the household were making sure he was comfortable enough, so he’d have nothing to say against them. But it made him feel nothing close to comfortable.

There was a prickling, icky feeling on his skin that he was sure wasn’t caused by the cold. It felt like he didn’t belong in that household.

The house felt too pure, too innocent, too... happy .

It didn’t feel like this was a place meant for Jung Jaehyun. Home wasn’t what he’d call this place anymore.

Jeno, though, was oblivious to Jaehyun’s discomfort and immediately started touring him around the house, telling him of things he had missed the last time he was there.

Taking a deep breath, Jaehyun controlled his mind to ignore the feeling. Instead, he plastered a fake smile, and followed Jeno around the house. 

Jaehyun woke up on the eve of Christmas — the cold air seeping through his open window. He walked towards the window to close it. Before he could close it, though, he saw his brother walking up the house with someone in tow. There were laughing between each other, hands clasped together. Jaehyun watched them until the disappeared from his sight. 

This was probably the soulmate Jeno had been talking about the past few days. The one he had met a few months ago, coincidentally, around the same time Jaehyun met Doyoung.

“Jae,” he heard someone call from a distance. Despite it being far, Jaehyun knew it was his brother. He closed his window, before getting a jacket from his closet. There was no point in halting the inevitable — Jeno would find a way to introduce his soulmate to him anyway.

When he walked down the stairs, he saw Jeno and his soulmate come into his periphery. His soulmate looked nervous, but Jeno held his hands in his, comfortingly. Jaehyun could hear the encouraging words Jeno was giving him, and he suddenly felt a pang inside his chest. The icky feeling he had felt during the first day came back to him. Though, if he was being honest, it never went away.

Jaehyun just somehow knew to live with it.

That’s what he was good at anyway — getting used to situations that made him uncomfortable instead of facing it straight on.

It took a while before Jeno realized that Jaehyun was there. It was his soulmate that signalled to Jeno that he had arrived.

“Jae!” he shouted. It looked like he was about to leap onto the arms of his older brother, but he stopped himself, and instead, stood beside his soulmate.

“This is Na Jaemin,” Jeno said proudly.

Jaehyun heard the weird thump of his heart. The red in his arm suddenly looked redder. It looked dirty and ugly, and Jaehyun wanted to scratch it out. But Jaehyun didn’t want to look nasty towards his brother’s soulmate, so instead, he just silently hoped it’ll go back to the white color he had been used to.

Jaehyun knew no one would listen to him, though. He had asked it to return to its original color ever since the accident, but it never listened. It stayed red — a reminder of Jaehyun’s callousness.

They talked in the living room. A few minutes later, their mother joined them for morning tea. Jaehyun had barely seen her, which annoyed him.

She had sounded excited on the phone when Jaehyun had called her that she was going home. But then, the annoyance didn’t last. Jaehyun realized if he was asked to stay in a room with his mother as well, he probably won’t know what to say either.

Jaehyun scoffed.

Why was he so bad with people?

Even with his family, he didn’t know how to act. He knew what to do with himself, how to perfect himself, and make himself shine. But he didn’t know how to be sympathetic, or be empathetic.

He didn’t know how to share his feelings, and accept feelings.

Maybe that’s why he didn’t work out with Doyoung.

“Jae? Are you alright?” Jeno asked.

Jaehyun cleared his throat.

“I need some air,” he excused, walking out of the room.

As he was walking in the gardens, he hadn’t realized his mother had been walking behind him. Once he noticed, she took it as an invitation to walk beside him.

“How are you?” she asked.

Jaehyun realized this was the only time they’d actually be able to talk. He suddenly felt vulnerable, like he was back as a kid and the only comfort he could find was his mother.

“I noticed you had a soulmark,” she started. They arrived at the hearts of the garden, and his mother sat at one of the benches, beckoning Jaehyun to sit beside him. “You let them go, did you?”

“What?”

Before answering, though, she took his hands in hers, patting the back of his hands in comfort. If it was any other day, he would’ve felt weird, but this was his mother, and somehow, he actually wanted to talk about her with this.

“I... messed up.”

His mother nodded.

“I know what that feels like,” she admitted.

Jaehyun looked up at her, confused.

“I had a soulmate once,” she started. Jaehyun released a disbelieving sound, making her mother grimace. He had always thought that both of his parents didn’t have soulmates, at least that’s what his father had told them. That’s why he wasn’t much of a role model when it came to soulmates, thus Jaehyun never found anyone to ask about it. He never asked his mother, because as far as he knew, she was the same case.

“I gave him up because my parents didn’t want him for me. He wasn’t rich, not like your father was.”

Jaehyun stopped and listened, letting himself be comfortable around his mother, his shoulders slumping — like a little kid listening to his mother’s stories.

“He didn’t have dreams of business, or whatever the rich dream about. He wanted to be a professor instead. I think he already is.”

Jaehyun looked down at their hands and saw a scar that passed between his mother’s soulmark. He shook his head, finally understanding why his mother always wore long-sleeved clothes, even during the summer.

“Did it hurt, cutting him out of your life?”

His mother nodded. “It felt like I was dying with him. Eventually the ached passed, and it was only a small throb, but thoughts of him make it twinge a little.”

“Do you regret it?”

She shook her head.

“I had two amazing gifts from your father — you and your brother. Still, I often wonder what would happen if I stayed would him. Would I have been happier?”

They stayed in silence for a while, letting the confessions seep through them.

“When I look at your brother and his soulmate, I feel uncomfortable. I had been so evil with mine, that looking at them felt like the heavens was punishing me for letting go of my soulmate.”

Jaehyun couldn’t say anything because he felt the same. Maybe this was their punishment.

His mother started tracing his mark, slowly. “I don’t know what happened between you and your soulmate, Jaehyun, but whatever it is, I hope you can fix it.”

Something happened that Jaehyun didn’t expect to happen. He bowed his head, and he started shaking out the tears that had been threatening to fall for the past few days. All the repressed feelings he had been holding in, now flowed out.  Jaehyun never wanted to be vulnerable, but with his mother’s confession — someone who he had thought to be strong,  showing a side of him he had never seen — he found himself crying.

“I don’t know how to fix it,” he cried out. “He’s dying, Mom, and it’s all because of me.” 

 After confessing to his mother — finally admitting the things he had refused to admit too  — Jaehyun felt a weight off his shoulders. Though it still felt uncomfortable seeing Jeno happy with his soulmate, it wasn't as bad as when he first saw them together. He had managed to even get along with Jaemin, even inspiring the other to take an athletic route as well. 

The mark on Jaehyun's wrist, didn't go unnoticed by his brother. They were eating Christmas Eve dinner early, because Jeno was planning to visit Jaemin's family after. Since they were a family who rarely celebrated Christmas anyway, their mother allowed him to leave. 

"So when are you going to introduce your soulmate to us, Jae?" Jeno spatted in the middle of dessert. Jaehyun choked. 

His mother stared at him curiously but didn't do anything to help him with the situation, making him groan. "He's busy right now," was what Jaehyun answered.

 "What does he do? What is he taking?" Jeno asked. Jaehyun paused, looking down at his food, playing with the cake on his plate instead of looking at his younger brother. He felt embarrassment pool to his cheeks, making it go red. He actually didn't know what Doyoung was taking. Of course, Jaehyun knew that Doyoung was part of the band but other than that, he didn't think Doyoung ever mentioned the course he was taking in university, or maybe Jaehyun had never listened.

The weight that was previously lifted from his shoulders now settled uncomfortably on his heart.

It wasn't easy realizing how bad of a person you really were, especially with regard to another person. Jaehyun grew up being spoiled and pampered. He was the oldest, and had been the only son for three years until Jeno was born. No one told him that things he did were wrong. Most of the time, he was just let go. He remembered his father telling the maids off for telling Jaehyun off when he did something wrong. He was a child; he'd grow to learn what the right things to do were. Unfortunately for Jaehyun, that never happened.

He never learned from the mistakes he made as a kid, and it festered to something more vile, something he carried as he grew up.

Jaehyun always thought he was doing the right thing, besides, no one else told him what was wrong. Doyoung was the first one to actually tell him what he had been doing wasn’t right, and even then he hadn't listened. He swallowed a lump in his throat and stared at Jeno.

"He's a singer, actually. He's part of a band," Jaehyun just answered. Christmas was supposed to be a good holiday. He didn't want to destroy it by starting something he wouldn't be able to stop. Jeno beamed, wanting to hear more, so Jaehyun said he'll let him listen to some songs later that night.

After dinner, they headed to the living room. Jaehyun went to his bedroom to retrieve his mp3 player, wanting to keep his promise to Jeno of hearing Doyoung sing. As he settled on one of the armchairs, Jeno and Jaemin on the floor setting up a scrabble game, he looked through Doyoung's songs on his mp3, looking for something appropriate. In the end, he had wanted them to hear everything.

Doyoung had written great songs, and only when Jaehyun looked back to it did he realize his soulmate never wrote anything sad. His songs were always hopeful — always filled with longing for what's to come. Etched in his lyrics were the words he had probably wanted to say to the love of his life, and painted in the tones of his voice were the happiness he wanted to convey — what he wanted to have. Jaehyun swallowed the sadness forming in his mouth, wondering if Doyoung still felt that way. He looked down at the timer on his forearm,  the red number splotched on it, and then at the mark on his wrist, wondering if he could will himself to feel what Doyoung was feeling.

The sound of laughter took him out of his thoughts. Jeno and Jaemin were sitting on the floor opposite each other. One of their maids was invited to play with them to complete the four players, especially with Jaehyun saying he wasn’t going to play. 

Instead, he watched them as he plugged the speakers into his mp3. Coincidentally, Jaemin was closest to him, and he could see his letters. 

As he scrolled through his music, he kept coaching Jaemin some words he could use to beat Jeno — something Jeno wasn’t taking too well. Jaemin stuck out a tongue at Jeno after he placed a word Jaehyun told him to play on the board. 

“Jae, don’t help him,” Jeno complained, making Jaehyun laugh. 

He played the first song on his mp3, and leaned back on his chair. Jaehyun allowed the  whole playlist play throughout the night. He kept his eyes closed, letting himself daydream of moments like this he could share with Doyoung. For the first time in his life, he let himself believe that all this soulmate stuff could actually make him happy. So with Doyoung's voice filling up the air, he allowed himself to hope that good things will come, and it will come soon.

Christmas had ended faster than Jaehyun had expected it to. Though it wasn't the Christmas he was hoping to have, it was still better than the ones he used to celebrate before. 

Jeno and Jaemin walked him to the station, with Jeno whining about why he needed to leave so soon.

"Are you going to be here on the New Year?" Jeno asked. Jaehyun ruffled his hair with one hand, as he slung his bag with the other. "I don't think so, Jen," he answered, sadly. "We have a tight practice schedule!" 

Jeno pouted, but nodded. "I'll try and come to visit on your big game, okay?"

Jaehyun faked a smile. He hadn't told them that he was on the reserve team. The only thing he told them was that he was part of the team. Somehow, he wanted them to be proud of something about him, because he knew how much he had disappointed them during the past few years. Besides, Jeno seemed too happy for him for Jaehyun to revoke his claims.

A few minutes before the trains started to arrive, Jeno pushed Jaehyun away from Jaemin, wanting to talk to him about something.

"So how is he?" Jeno asked, cocking his head towards his soulmate.

"Why do you need me to answer that?" Jaehyun asked.

Jeno shrugged.

"You're my family. I'd need your approval."

Jaehyun smiled, before asking, "Does he make you happy? 

Jeno nodded aggressively, "So much. You won't even believe it. I literally feel so free, so complete around him, like I'd never be happier with anyone else. And the thing is, I know, that when I lose him, I'd probably be a complete mess. My heart will forever be broken--"

Jeno listened to his brother gush out about his soulmate. He found himself smiling at how in love Jeno looked. Though he never really said those words, Jaehyun could feel the love emanating from his brother. Once he finished, he looked up at his brother, cheeks flushed, slightly embarrassed. 

"He seems like a great guy, Jen! Keep him," Jaehyun answered. Jeno grinned up at him. "I hope to meet your soulmate soon, too. I bet he makes you real happy."

Jaehyun just smiled, not wanting to tell him the truth. 

When Jaehyun arrived back to the city, he immediately dropped his bags in his still empty apartment. By the lack of movement, and the dust forming in the surfaces of things, it seemed like Yuta never dropped by the whole time Jaehyun was away. He didn’t think about it too much though, but he picked up his wallet, and took a cab to Doyoung’s apartment, wanting to talk to him. 

Jaehyun knew he didn’t deserve to be listened to, especially after what he had done. An apology would never be enough to erase every pain he had caused Doyoung, but he wanted to start working for forgiveness. 

When he got to Doyoung’s apartment, though, he couldn’t get himself to knock at the door. He knew the password to his apartment, but just coming in and intruding didn’t seem like the best thing to do. So he clenched his fist on his side, taking in a deep breath, and with that confidence to face his soulmate. 

As he was about to knock, someone called to him. 

“He’s not there.” 

Jaehyun turned to see Doyoung’s neighbor standing in front of her doorstep. She looked like she had just finished shopping, basing from the bags that rested at the base of her foot. “He hasn’t been back home since the 30th of November.” 

That was the day of Jaehyun’s accident. So something had happened to Doyoung that day. The confirmation made his heart ache even more. 

“Do you know where he is?” Jaehyun asked. 

Doyoung’s neighbor shook her head. “Only his friend visited. Ten?” she asked. Jaehyun nodded. “Well, he visited a few times, bringing out a few bags with him. It looked like clothes. Doyoung hadn’t come back though since then.” 

She nodded, before eventually walking inside her room. 

Jaehyun sighed in disappointment. There was no use in staying and waiting in front of Doyoung’s apartment if he hadn’t come back in weeks. Jaehyun just had to call him and hope that his soulmate would answer his calls. 

Unfortunately for Jaehyun, his calls to Doyoung remained unanswered. It didn’t help that his calls to Yuta kept on going to voicemail either. He tried contacting Johnny since Taeyong might know where Doyoung was, but Johnny refused to answer anything that involved Doyoung at all. It might be because he didn’t know, but Jaehyun knew they were trying to keep him away from Doyoung. 

He doesn’t blame them. He’d do the same in their position. 

Without luck with Doyoung, Jaehyun focused on swimming instead. It was what kept him calm most of the days, and often it made him forget to think about all the things that troubled him. Despite being in the reserve team, they still practiced just as much as the competing team, though the coaches were more lenient with them, which made Jaehyun grateful. He only had 200,000 breaths left  — too little for five days, especially for a swimmer. 

He wanted to be away from the pool as much as possible. Working on forgiveness meant he couldn’t kill Doyoung. So for the first time in his career as a swimmer, he managed his timer, making sure he didn’t go down a certain number per day. 

Practice continued like that. They didn’t do anything but do lapse and swim, over and over again. Often, the competing team would compete against each other using different swimming techniques while the reserve team watched. Nothing of excitement happened much, except for Mark’s stories of a certain Lucas Wong. 

“You act like you’re dating already,” Jaehyun said in the locker room. They had just finished practicing that day, and were getting ready to go. Johnny had offered dinner for finishing their first day practice, but Jaehyun was too tired to eat out, and Mark and somewhere to be. 

“I do want to date him, though?” Mark said, his cheeks flushing and his voice getting smaller. Jaehyun grimaced, not used to seeing a side of this from Mark. He had known that his younger friend had always been a romantic, but seeing the result of practice on Mark made his reputation as a scary freshman vanish. Suddenly, the man in front of Jaehyun looked like a child. Trying out something new and liking it. 

“What about his soulmate?” 

Mark grimaced mischievously, answering, “He doesn’t have any. Doesn’t feel destined?” 

Jaehyun shook his head. “Is it mutual?” 

“I think so?” Mark said. “He’s confident, and he’s very direct in his advances.”

“Why don’t you date him then?” 

“I want to focus on the competition for now. Besides, he did say he’d wait,” Mark said, a large grin painting his face, making Jaehyun groan. 

“How sappy,” Jaehyun remarked. Mark just laughed, before patting the older man’s shoulder, saying he needed to go; he had a date with Lucas. Jaehyun watched him go before calling a cab for himself. 

Jaehyun woke up at 2 am the next day from a constant ringing of his phone. Grouchy, and sleepy, he picked up his phone, answering the call and not even bothering to see who it was. 

“ Jae?” 

It was Johnny, and his voice sounded scared. Jaehyun immediately rose up from his bed as if Johnny’s voice woke him up. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and opened the lights, making his way to the dresser. 

Johnny’s voice felt urgent somehow and Jaehyun knew that whatever it is, he needed to be ready.

“ Mark got into an accident.”

Jaehyun stopped in his tracks. He felt the hairs on his hands stand up in fear. When had that happened? 

“Where is he?” Jaehyun asked. 

“At the university hospital.” 

Jaehyun sighed. At least it was near his apartment complex. He changed into sweats, and grabbed two sweaters — to keep the cold of winter away from his body — before bounding down the steps of his apartment complex and hailing a cab at the front. 

“Mark Lee, you’re an idiot,” was the first thing Jaehyun heard when he got to Mark’s room in the hospital. He looked inside, seeing Johnny leaning back on the sofa, eyes almost closing. 

Mark looked better than Jaehyun expected. He had a few cuts and bruises, and his feet was in a cast. A man sat beside him, caressing his hands, and it took Jaehyun a while to realize that it was Lucas. The latter was the first one to see him come in, standing up from his chair in greeting. 

When Mark noticed Jaehyun, he groaned. 

“You’re making a big deal out of all of this,” he complained. 

Lucas hit him on the shoulder, earning a yelp from the man on the bed, but Lucas didn’t apologize, as if Mark deserved to be punched. “You got ran over, and you think it’s not an accident.” 

“I was saving your life,” Mark whined. Lucas didn’t know how to rebut this, so he just pouted, and went back to his seat. 

Jaehyun took a seat opposite Lucas at the bed, and looked at Mark, asking him how he is. 

“Like I said to everyone, I’ll be fine.” 

As if to show exactly how okay he was, he started wiggling the toes from his leg that was on a cast. Jaehyun found himself grimacing at how absurd this whole thing is. 

Nearing four in the morning, Lucas excused himself to get them food. Johnny, who had woken up, offered to go with him. 

“So what happened?” Jaehyun asked. 

Mark sighed, trying to sit himself up on the bed. After failing for a few times, Jaehyun finally helped him. 

He moved around the bed a little, trying to find a comfortable sitting position, before eventually melting into the soft mattress.

Jaehyun repeated his question, making Mark grimace. "You'd probably laugh at me."

"Yeah?"

Mark sighed, and looked down at his hands as if embarrassed to say what he was about to say facing Jaehyun. The older man just leaned back on his chair, crossing his arms in from of him, waiting.

"You know how Lucas and I went on a date, right?"

Jaehyun nodded, remembering the conversation they had earlier.

"Well," Mark started, scratching the back of his head. "He was on his phone, texting some important people. We were crossing the street — I was a little distracted, too — and he hadn't realized that the traffic light was green."

Mark stopped, gesturing something with his hands that Jaehyun quite didn't catch, but he didn't comment on it as Mark continued his story. "It just felt instinctive. My hands and feet were at work, immediately pulling him away from danger. The thing is, when I pulled him back, the forced pushed me forward. I couldn't think of anything much when I saw the headlights, only that Lucas was safe at least."

He gestured to himself as a sort of ending to the story — that Jaehyun could guess what happened next.

Mark was right. Jaehyun found himself laughing.

"You sacrificed yourself for someone you barely know?" He asked, appalled.

Mark put his hands over his face, covering the blush creeping up. He shook his head once before putting his hands down. "He's not someone I barely know," he fought. "Okay, maybe I met him only recently, but I feel like I knew him my whole life."

He started to stutter. It seemed like he really wanted to explain his side, without looking foolish, especially not in front of Jaehyun.

"I know I have no soulmate, and he doesn't have anyone either, but I feel like if we did have soulmates, we'd be each other's, you know," Mark muttered. "It's that kind of connection I feel with him."

Mark pushed himself up the bed in difficulty. "You should get it, right? Since you have a soulmate?"

Jaehyun swallowed, keeping his mouth shout. That wasn't a question he should be answering.

"The thing when I saw him getting almost hit by a car, I had a thought — what would life be without Lucas Wong, and I didn't like that thought. I wanted to know that we could still have tomorrows together, so despite the uncertainty of the future, I attempted to save him. Call it love, or whatever, but at that moment I wanted to do everything for him — even sacrificing my life for him."

Jaehyun didn't hear what happened next, or maybe he just didn't remember. His head short-circuited, thinking of Mark — who didn’t have a soulmate — be willing to give up his life for another person. If Mark could do that, why couldn’t he? 

The whole scenario that happened next just flashed in front of Jaehyun's eyes, but it barely registered in his head. The next thing he remembered was standing in front of the hospital waiting for a cab.

Winter was cold, and it was colder for Jaehyun.

Everyone around him had a hand to hold to keep warm, yet here he was... alone.

It was when he got back to his apartments that he had realized how much he missed Doyoung. Yes, he had never loved the guy, or at least he didn't think he had, but Doyoung had always been good company, despite him not admitting it before. His pride was a wall that was hard to cross and when it finally started to crumble, it was too late. He looked at his phone. 4:30 a.m blinking on his screen.

He wrote a quick message to Doyoung, a simple one — an 'I miss you. Can we meet?' — before he threw his phone down beside him on the big bed, trying to go to sleep.

When he was announced to be replacing Mark for the competing team, Jaehyun didn't feel happy, at least not as much as he thought he'd feel. To be part of the competing team was the only thing Jaehyun had been working on for years, but suddenly, it felt so trivial. 

Still, he faked a smile, and got ready for practice. It was what was expected of him anyway. There were too many people already disappointed in him. He didn't want to add to that anymore.

Nevertheless, when practice ended, he went straight to Mark. He wanted to be the one to tell his younger friend of the news, especially because he wanted to see Mark's reaction. Unfortunately for him, Sicheng and Jungwoo wanted to tag along, as they haven't visited Mark yet.

When the elevators opened at Mark's floor, Jaehyun found himself stopping. Jungwoo and Sicheng didn't seem to noticed as they continued walking. 

There, at the chairs in front of the elevator, were the familiar faces of Yuta and his boyfriend. Taeyong was there too. They hadn't seen him yet. Their faces were grim, and it didn't seem like they had been sleeping. It seemed like a scene from a drama, where a family would gather at the hospital, visiting their family member who was in grave condition. It wasn’t hard to guess who that “family member” was. 

Jaehyun felt a sting on his wrist. He looked down at his timer: 100,000 and he only had three days left before the year ended.

Ten was the one who saw him first.

As if by impulse, he stood up, ready to attack. Jaehyun was too rooted to his spot, too afraid to move. He closed his eyes, readying himself for the attack. He didn't move, nor did he want to. Somehow, he actually wanted to feel — for the first time — someone actually be physically mad at him just for him to realize to what extent his mistakes really were.

But the attack never came.

Jaehyun opened his eyes and saw Ten being held back by Yuta. Anger still flashed in Ten’s eyes. Yuta, though, turned to him and nodded solemnly. He would've walked towards them if only Jungwoo hadn't asked what was holding him up. 

He bowed his head, and turned to walk in the direction of Mark's room, feeling himself being weighed down by all the problems he refused to address.

It was around midnight when Yuta came to the apartment. Jaehyun had left the hospital early, especially since Mark's parents had arrived from the province. Mark took the news of Jaehyun replacing him on the team well, even said that Jaehyun had deserved the spot in the first place.

Despite all that, Jaehyun didn't feel relieved.

When Yuta came home at midnight, he thought he was finally screwed. He was ready for the "talk" where Yuta would call him out for being reckless, and for endangering someone else's life.

But that wasn't the talk that Yuta had prepared.

"I heard you got a place in the competing team," Yuta said, while mixing himself a cup of coffee. They were around the kitchen island. Yuta sipping coffee across Jaehyun, while he played with his cup of ramen, not eating at all.

Jaehyun didn't have to ask who he heard it from. With Taeyong and Ten probably being together for Doyoung a lot, Johnny and Yuta must've bonded too. They had known each other before, but they weren’t particularly close, at least not that Jaehyun knew of. 

But they would've talked about him, wouldn't they? At least Yuta and Johnny would.

"It's not a big deal," Jaehyun muttered, eyes still focused on the noodles he wasn't eating.

"Yeah?" Yuta asked. Jaehyun looked up at him, surprised at the tone of his voice. "Last time I heard, swimming was the only thing important to you."

Yuta grinned, and Jaehyun had to bite down on his tongue to keep himself from arguing. He had to tell himself that he deserved this. He had wanted someone to get mad at him — to show him how shitty of a person he was, and here was his roommate, practically his best friend, laying down the truth.

Yuta had always been honest, and if anyone were to set Jaehyun straight, it would be him.

"I—" Jaehyun tried to start. He wanted to say something. What it was exactly, he didn't know. But Yuta stopped him, moving across the kitchen island and sitting beside him instead.

"My soulmate died when we were in high school," Yuta started.

Jaehyun stared at his roommate. He had known Yuta lost his soulmate, but never the specifics of it. It was something Yuta never liked talking about because it had always been a painful memory for him.

"She was sick — a rare illness that couldn't be cured," Yuta spoke as if he was presenting. His voice was level, and the story flowing as if he had been practicing to say it a million times.

“I found out too late. Not that it would’ve made a difference if I found out earlier,” Yuta took a deep breath, still trying to keep his voice calm. Jaehyun wanted to say that he could break down if he wanted to, but words failed him, as if the world was telling him now was only the time to listen. 

Yuta grimaced, a memory probably flashing in his mind. “I sat by her hospital bed for days. I held her hand and kept asking the universe if there was a possibility to keep her alive. The funny thing is I even tried holding my breaths, to preserve them, just in case that could save her.” 

He looked down at his hands, and Jaehyun could see the tears forming at the end of Yuta’s eyes. The older man blinked it away quickly, pretending it wasn’t there in the first place. 

“It didn’t save her. Despite knowing that nothing could save her, I still tried everything. At the end of the day, she told me to stop and just let her go,” Yuta ended. 

He took another deep breath and looked at his left forearm — at his timer. 

“Losing a soulmate is the worst feeling you could ever feel,” Yuta remarked. “It feels like something is physically taken away from you. You’re bleeding out, and no one was doing anything to stop it — that kind of pain.” 

Jaehyun took a deep breath, as Yuta uttered the next words. “I don’t want to wish that feeling on you, especially since you can save your soulmate, Jae.” 

“I don’t—” 

“Ten and I would be away tomorrow. Doyoung would want to see you.” 

With that, Yuta stood up from his chair and left, leaving Jaehyun now more confused on what to do. 

Jaehyun had decided to visit the next day. He barely had any sleep, mulling the words that Yuta gave him. He skipped practice, telling the coach that he was feeling a little under the weather. Every step towards Doyoung room felt weighted, as if something was holding on to his legs as he got closer to the room. 

He bought flowers, as if that could help. 

When he opened the door to Doyoung’s hospital room, the latter was definitely shocked. He put the book he was reading down, and glanced at Jaehyun — giving him a once-over 

“You brought flowers,” he said, scoffing. “That’s not like you.” 

Jaehyun swallowed, putting the flowers beside Doyoung’s bedside table anyway. Doyoung stared at it before saying, “I never liked flowers. It reminds me too much of death.” 

Now Jaehyun wanted to curse. 

He had known Doyoung for about six months now. Know him — his name, his hobbies — but not the things he likes, or dislikes. He doesn’t know Doyoung’s favorite color, or his favorite band. He doesn’t know how Doyoung takes his coffee, or if he drinks coffee at all. Jaehyun barely knew anything about Doyoung and that made him feel frustrated at himself. He had never asked. During the course of their relationship, he only ever talked about himself, and hadn’t even been interested in getting to know Doyoung. 

Now he regretted it. 

Doyoung though, just sighed and stared at him. “What are you doing here?” 

“I wanted to apologize,” he said, calmly. Though he felt nervous once the words were out, especially at how Doyoung was looking at him with disbelief. 

“For which part?” Doyoung commented. 

Jaehyun bit on his lip, not knowing where to start. If he was being honest with himself, he didn’t even know how many mistakes he had done — to what extent his faults were. 

“Tell me, Jae? What are you sorry about?” Doyoung asked. 

Jaehyun tried to control his tears. He didn’t want to cry because he knew Doyoung would laugh. Though he knew, he probably deserves it anyway. 

“I don’t know,” Jaehyun admitted. 

Doyoung scoffed. “I can’t forgive you, Jae!” 

He deserved that. 

“Do you know how scary it is, living every day with the thought that it might be my last?” Doyoung asked. “I went back to the band because I thought if I was going to die anyway, I should be doing what I had always loved to do.” 

Jaehyun sighed. 

He was speechless. His lips were sealed, forcing him to listen. 

“I hated you,” Doyoung remarked, the malice evident in his voice. Jaehyun kept his head bowed, as if he was being tried and being guilty of the charges thrown at him 

“You know what’s annoying, though,” he started. “When I found out about you getting a slot in the competing team, I actually felt proud — like genuinely proud,” he admitted. 

Jaehyun wanted to look at Doyoung, but he knew, even that, he didn’t deserve to do. 

“I know you don’t believe it… but as your soulmate, I felt so happy. Like good things happening to you is the only thing I could ever want in life, and suddenly I had a thought.” 

Doyoung’s word compelled him to look up. Jaehyun stared at him, as he stared back. Their eyes locked on each other, and Doyoung said, “I thought, maybe I should die for you. You never loved me the way I wanted you to, so maybe… maybe if I died for you, then finally I would’ve done something that you would appreciate. At least then, you didn’t have to think of me anymore and could continue fulfilling your dreams.” 

Jaehyun held back a choke. 

To have someone die for you was the greatest sacrifice someone could do for love. Jaehyun stared at Doyoung — the latter refusing to look him in the eye. 

Suddenly, what was left of the wall around Jaehyun’s heart crumbled. Doyoung was still willing to sacrifice himself for Jaehyun despite the pain he had caused him. 

An uncomfortable cold hugged Jaehyun, and he wanted to leave. He stood up and headed for the door. 

“How many are left? Your timer?” 

Jaehyun looked down at the red numbers and took a deep breath, watching as it ticked down one count. “Sixty-thousand,” he answered back, still turned away from Doyoung.  

Too little, for two and a half days. 

But Doyoung didn’t mention it. He let Jaehyun go, letting his head fall on the pillow, pretending to sleep. Doyoung didn’t need to mention it, because Jaehyun already knew. 

Jaehyun skipped practice the next day again, using the same excuse of feeling sick. It was easy for the coaches to not allow him not to attend practices. The competition wouldn't be in a month, and besides, he had been working hard as it was already. Their coaches didn't mind people not attending practice.

His conversation with Doyoung added to his decision. He only had breaths enough for two days, maybe even just one. To stay in meant he could save his breaths, at least to the best of his ability. So he spent all his day lying on the bed, doing nothing. He didn't eat, or take a bath, or whatever was needed to be done; he just stayed in bed the whole day. He didn't even sleep.

Once his alarm rang, signalling a new day, he looked down at his timer. It was New Year's Eve — the last day to save Doyoung. He had 15,000 breaths left before his timer hit zero. It wasn't enough for the day, but if he'd keep to his routine the past few days, he'd have breaths left by the end of the day — when the New Year came.

He woke up in the middle of the day from someone knocking on his door. Groaning, he looked at the clock on his bedside table. It was two in the afternoon. He couldn't remember what time he had fallen asleep.

The knocking continued, and Jaehyun was ready to ignore it until they called to him.

"Jung Jaehyun, I know you're in there," the familiar voice of Johnny made him want to curl further into his comforter, and just stay in bed. But he knew that if he doesn't answer in a few more minutes, the latter would probably find a way to open the door. With a sigh, he got up from bed and crossed the room, hesitantly opening the door.

In the living room was his teammates. Mark Lee was also in attendance, beside him, Lucas Wong.

"What are you all doing here?"

"You've been moping," Johnny said.

Jaehyun scoffed. "I haven't been:"

Johnny rolled his eyes. "Whatever it is, we decided to cheer you up."

Jaehyun walked towards the living room, looking at what was scattered. Deflated balloons, banners, party hats and even, to Jaehyun's chagrin, glitters.

"Whose birthday is it?" Jaehyun asked.

"It's the New Year, Jae! We're going to party!"

Jaehyun wanted to curse.

As luck would have it, Jaehyun was allowed not to decorate his apartment. Though he was pushed to the bathroom when he wanted to lay down again, his members forcing him to take a bath. He had tried to scare them away after, telling them that Yuta would be mad when he finds out what happened to his apartment, but Johnny apparently already asked for permission, forcing Jaehyun to just concede and watch as everyone flitted around his apartment.

The decorating finished a few minutes before 7 pm. Unfortunately, the planned New Year's party had already spread to the athletes and the next thing Jaehyun knew he was welcoming people he didn't even know into his apartment.

The party was well underway, and Jaehyun just wanted to crawl back into bed.

For the rest of the night, he acted robotic.

He poured drinks, answered questions, and making sure no one was making out in any of the rooms. Even if Yuta had approved of this, Jaehyun still wanted to be careful. His constant flitting around the small apartment, and the influx of people, took the air out of his lungs. Suddenly, it was five minutes before the New Year, and he only had 70 breaths left.

Ideally, for five minutes, you'd have at least 100. Jaehyun only had almost half of that. He wanted to shout at the recklessness of the whole situation, but he couldn't do anything about it now. He'd scream at Johnny and his friends tomorrow. For now, he needed to get away.

Donning a jacket, he walked towards the rooftop, keeping an eye on his timer every step of the way. When he got there, the cold wind nipped at his skin, making him shiver. He stood at the edge, looking over at the lights of the sky, hearing everyone counting down.

One minute left until the New Year.

He looked at his timer, and then at his clock on his phone, watching both tick towards 0. He had 10 breaths left.

When 11:59:01 came, he sucked in a deep breath, and held it.

He was a pro-swimmer; he was used to holding his breath. One minute was nothing, compared to what he had always done in the pool.

Jaehyun had both his breath timer and phone lifted on the air to the level of his eye as he waited.

His breath timer was painfully red, and was hard to look at. It felt like looking at blood on the surface of your skin. It was awfully scary.

Despite his phone alarming to signal the New Year, and the people in the apartments and streets below him cheering, Jaehyun kept holding his breath waiting for his timer to reset.

Just as the clock struck 00:00:01, his timer restarted to 10:000:000.

He released a deep breath, somehow relieved. No longer was his timer painted red, but it went back to the usual translucent white.

Jaehyun took a few calming breaths, finding himself falling on the snow-colored rooftop.

Finally, he thought, everything will be alright.

The next morning, Jaehyun woke up a little later. The party had gone for hours more after Jaehyun returned to the apartment close to 1am. He ignored everyone, dropping on his bed instead, feeling the tiredness from the past year crash over him. He was exhausted.

When he woke up, the first thing he noticed was a message from Kim Doyoung on his phone.

It was a short and simple 'thank you', but it lifted every ache in Jaehyun's chest. For the first time in his life, he felt content. 

Doyoung got discharged from the hospital a few days after the new year. Despite living through the year, he still needed to get back his strength; recovering from a sickness was never instant.

The days in the hospital made him think. He had dreams he needed to fulfill, but at the same time, he needed to get away. Life in the city was too stressful for him already. Thinking about all the requirements he needed to finish, the duties he had to do, the people he had to meet — just the thought of all these — tired him out.

So he decided to drop out of the university. His parents didn't take it kindly, but once he had explained the motives behind his decision, they were fully on board.

For the whole week before the new semester started, he fixed his papers for dropping out. He hadn't told any of his friends yet, not Ten, not City 127. He knew that if he did mention it, they'd just find a way to stop him and Doyoung was scared he'd be tempted to stay.

All of his professors asked him the same question as he made them sign his papers: why? It was easy to ask, but harder to answer. Doyoung had millions of reasons, but the main reason was that he wanted to find himself, especially since he only felt lost the past few months.

He had lived all his life for a soulmate he never knew, and once he did know them, he tried to mold his life in accordance to them. When his soulmate disappointed him and left, he no longer knew what to live for.

It definitely wasn't easy, having your fantasy get crushed in front of you by the reality of life. Though it toppled him a little, what Doyoung just needed to do was stand up after.

But he didn't say that to any of his professors. What he said instead was just he needed to leave — in a tone serious enough for them to not ask any follow-up.

It took exactly three days to process the end of all the three years he had worked for in the University. Despite the twinge of pain he felt, he clenched the papers in his hands and submitted them to his college. Eventually, nothing came back to him. All his three years in the university vanished in the form of a few papers.

He smiled to the College Secretary, and as he walked away from his college, he slowly let go.

It took him a while to decide to visit Professor Lee. Doyoung knew he needed to — as if he owed the professor a goodbye.

As he walked towards the Soulmate Theory department, he bumped into a familiar face.

"Hey, Do."

Moon Taeil walked towards him. Doyoung slowly walked towards him too,

"What are you doing here? Are you enrolling again?" he asked.

Doyoung shook his head. "Are you taking the class again?"

Taeil laughed. "Nope. I'm just confirming my credits," he said, showing off his student transcript. Doyoung smiled, and wondered if he should tell Taeil that he was dropping out. They weren't closed, not really, but Taeil had always been his soulmate theory buddy, so maybe he deserved to know.

"I'm dropping out, actually!"

The shock was palpable in the other's face.

"Oh?" There was a hint of disappointment in his voice that Doyoung ignored.

"Should I ask why?" Taeil asked, as if knowing what Doyoung had gone through the past few days. Doyoung shook his head, "I'd rather not talk about it."

Taeil nodded in understanding. "I hope I'd still be able to see you, though."

"Maybe we will."

With that, they said their goodbyes and parted ways.

Doyoung took a deep breath before getting ready for another goodbye.

"So you're dropping out because of it?" Unlike all the other professors who asked, when Professor Lee asked why Doyoung was leaving, he had admitted the truth.

He told the Professor about Jaehyun, and what happened in the course of their relationship. Doyoung also told him about the feeling of dying, and why he decided to leave in the first place. The anxiousness he felt every day, not knowing if he would wake up to see tomorrow again.

Doyoung's heart broke, not only from the failed expectations he had with Jaehyun, but also with Jaehyun's lack of respect. He meant the thanks that he said when he texted Jaehyun during New Year's Day, because he was grateful to live another year.

But at the end of the day, the pain was already too much for Doyoung; he needed to leave.

"Did it hurt?" Doyoung asked instead of answering. It was a rhetorical question anyway, and Doyoung knew his professor didn't need the answer to his question.

"What did?"

"When you cut off your soulmate from your life?"

If the Professor was shocked by the question, he didn't show it. Instead, he shrugged. "I didn't feel it. I wasn't the one who cut of the ties."

"But it is possible?"

Professor Lee nodded. "A lot of researchers have started to research on cutting off soulmates. Soon enough, it'll probably be a normal thing."

Doyoung raised his brow. It felt somehow saddening to think that what he grew up learning might not even be the norm he'd die in.

"Do you really think so? That'll it'll be normal to just cut off your soulmate?"

The professor sighed, looking out of his window. He often did this in class too, whenever there were difficult things he had to teach. Nature was calming — he had said as an explanation.

"Change will always be slow-going, but one day, it will come. Humans just can't take it staying in one niche for a long time."

He talked to Taeyong first. In Doyoung's defense, it was easier to talk to Taeyong than it was to Ten.

"Are you leaving the band again?" Taeyong asked, seeing Doyoung's expression when he walked in the former's apartment. From where he was standing, he could see Johnny sleeping in the open bedroom. Doyoung had hoped he wouldn't be there, but at least it was a good thing he was sleeping.

Taeyong was busy preparing them coffee, saying that it was too early for him to be awake.

"I'm leaving..." Doyoung started, though now that the words came out of his mouth, he didn't know how to end it. "Leaving."

Taeyong raised her brow.

"I meant I dropped out, Tae."

Taeyong almost dropped the cups he was holding, but fortunately, it only landed with a small thump on the table.

"Why?"

If Doyoung asked for money every time people asked him that, he would've been rich. Still, he understood. It wasn't everyday you had one of your friends telling you they were leaving school.

Instead of answering, Doyoung asked a question instead.

"How did it feel when you were almost dying?"

Taeyong sighed. It was a part of his relationship that he never liked talking about. Now that Doyoung brought it up, though, he suddenly understood why this was Doyoung's answer to his question.

"You know the answer to that," Taeyong remarked.

"But I want to hear it from you."

Taeyong took a seat, inhaling deeply. "It felt like shit," he started, finally passing Doyoung his cup of coffee, as if the conversation they were having can already be categorized as "chit-chat" — calm enough for coffee.

"I was scared every day, not knowing what will happen to me."

Doyoung knew that feeling too well.

"Why did you stay with Johnny then?" Doyoung asked.

Taeyong's eyes widened, as if this was a question he would never expect from Doyoung. The simple answer was because Johnny was his soulmate, but Taeyong knew that wasn't the answer Doyoung was asking for.

"Because I trusted him to change," he answered, staring at Doyoung. "When he quit the swim team, even though I was a little mad that he was giving that up for me, I was relieved. It was enough for me for him to just think about quitting, because at least he allowed himself to think of putting me first for once. I didn't want to leave him. I love him too much to leave him."

Doyoung nodded, pieces of some puzzle clicking in his head.

"You don't trust Jaehyun to do that for you?"

Taeyong knew the answer to that. The fact that Jaehyun never thought of quitting the team, or having only visited when he had seen in with his own eyes what he did to Doyoung, meant that Doyoung was never a priority for Jaehyun.

Taeyong changed the subject, especially once Johnny showed signs of waking up. They talked for a few more hours before Doyoung said he needed to leave. He was going to have to talk to Ten that day too, especially since his flight was leaving the next day.

As Taeyong walked him out, the older man said, "I won't advise you to do something I wouldn't do, but if it means you'd finally be happy, then go for it."

Telling Ten what he had planned was harder than expected.

Not only was Ten reeling from the fact that Doyoung was telling him of his plans last, but he also didn't take it kindly of being told Doyoung had already dropped out without him knowing about it first.

"I knew you were going to stop me," Doyoung said,

"And I'm going to stop you now," Ten complained, as he paced the room.

Doyoung stared at him in disbelief.

"Ten," he tried to appease his friend, "I'm not staying."

"You're leaving just like that?"

"I've thought about it the whole time I was lying in a hospital bed."

Ten stopped pacing. Doyoung wasn't ready for the onslaught of complaints, especially now that Ten knew he had been thinking about this for longer than he expected.

"Is this about Jaehyun?" Ten asked.

Doyoung grimaced. "Even if you raid his house, and throw whatever insult you can muster, I'm not changing my mind."

Ten sighed, sitting in front of Doyoung.

"That was a good plan."

Doyoung found himself laughing, before he eventually broke down. It wasn't easy keeping stuff from his best friend, and the whole time he had been mulling the decision — the past one month — was definitely hard on him.

"I'm so tired, Ten," Doyoung admitted. "I want to forgive Jaehyun, I do. But to live every year being anxious if it's going to be your last, I don't think I can do that."

Ten took Doyoung's hands in his for comfort.

"I always felt sorry for you having a soulmate," Ten admitted. "If you just didn't have anyone, I would've stayed with you."

Doyoung choked between sobs. Ten always knew how to make him feel better. He flashed a genuine smile to Ten, not bothering to wipe his tears.

"Though I would never replace Yuta for anything, — not even you — know that I would always be here for you."

Doyoung squeezed Ten's hands, an affirmation that he knew Ten would always be there for him.

"It's going to hurt, what you're planning, but if you think it's what's best for you, then I won't stop you. Your happiness is all I care about anyway."

They talked about other things. Ten wasn't going to allow Doyoung to go home feeling sad. For the first time in a while, Doyoung finally felt at peace. It was a scary endeavor, doing what he was going to do, but at the end of the day, it was what's best. Both for him and for Jaehyun.

Doyoung never told Jaehyun when he left. He didn't want to say goodbye to him, just so that he wouldn't have a reason to give Jaehyun a second chance. He knew it was close to impossible, but there might be a piece of his heart willing to hold on. Only Ten knew where he went, and Doyoung knew he would never tell anyone — especially not Jaehyun.

Jaehyun had been asking for weeks where Doyoung was. All he knew was that he dropped out and left. No one would tell him where he went exactly, and the only one who knew wouldn't even bat him an eye.

Winter suddenly felt colder, especially knowing how Jaehyun didn't have a chance of working on forgiveness at all.

He couldn't think of Doyoung for too long, though. Eventually he had to go back to practice. Forgetting about Doyoung while swimming had always been easy, but this time, Jaehyun couldn't forget. Every stroke of his arms, every intake of breath, his mind would be plagued of thoughts of Doyoung. When he wasn't practicing, his mind wandered to where his soulmate might be. He didn't have to ask himself why Doyoung never told him he left; the answer was easy. He didn’t want Jaehyun to know. 

As the day of the competition drew closer, Jaehyun's anxiousness grew. There was a feeling inside his heart — a nagging voice in his head — telling him that maybe this was wrong, that he shouldn't have been here.

In fact, when Mark had recovered before the competition, Jaehyun felt relieved. He thought Mark could finally take his place. But having been away with no practice meant Mark wasn't conditioned. Besides, all the drugs in his body didn't make him qualified, and so Jaehyun was still thrust in the limelight.

When the day of the competition came, Jaehyun couldn’t breathe. He was nervous. He had never been nervous about swimming before, but this time he was. It was still cold, despite it being almost the end of winter, and Jaehyun tried to appease himself by saying that was the reason he was shaking.

All thoughts fled his mind, and the only thing occupying it was, “ Could he do it? ”

Physically, he was ready, but mentally, he was a mess.

He didn’t remember his name being called. He had only realized he was standing beside his diving board, clothes already discarded — only his swimming trunks and cap on. In his hands was his goggles. 

Jaehyun looked at the water as he waited for all the athletes to come in. He felt like a puppet. His hands put on his goggles and he walked towards his starting block. Soon enough, he was in his starting position without him having even realized it. 

As he looked at the water again, ready in position, his mind started to wander. He only had one thought. 

Athletes, when posed on the starting line, only ever had one goal — to finish. People can tell you that you can choose to swim to the end, or not even start, in the first place, but nobody thinks about the latter. Once the whistle blows, everybody would dive in.

But why couldn't you just sit and stay?

The easy answer was that it was a competition. But that wasn't what Jaehyun was thinking of. He suddenly went back to the reason he started swimming in the first place, and he faltered. If he was going to be asked the reason, he probably wouldn't be able to answer. Most athletes would say it had always been their dream, some say it's a hobby... for Jaehyun it was a chance to prove himself. Thinking about it, that didn’t seem like such a valuable reason.

He clenched his fist as every other player started to take their positions beside him.

Proving himself suddenly didn't feel like such an achievement. He knew he was a good player; there wasn't a need to be humble about that.

Suddenly everything he worked for was a myth in his head. Somehow, he didn't know if he could do it. He felt his body moving when the referee called for them to take their marks, but when the whistle blew, he didn't hear it. Instead, he heard the timer on his left arm, loud and present.

When everyone dived in, Jaehyun stayed on his board. He heard the whispers, and saw the flashes of the cameras. He closed his eyes, took in three deeps breath, before going down on the board and walking away — from the competition, and from the life he had lived.

IV. Spring

Jaehyun didn't like swimming at the crack of dawn; the water was too cold. To get used to it, you can't dip in slowly, instead you have to plunge your whole body in the water, slowly waiting for your body to acclimatize to the temperature. 

Spring came in like that. Not the season, but more of the things he needed to do as he welcomed a new season. His little stunt during the season's competition and the consequences of that was the cold water. His actions and how he goes forward from it was him getting used to the cold water.

Unlike swimming, though, Jaehyun didn’t plunge into it. Instead, he dipped in slowly, trying to control himself to not back out. 

Jaehyun took a week off after the competition. His coaches allowed him too, smiling as they told him to come back healthier — in between the whispers of disappointments and the shakes of their heads. 

He needed a week to think of all the things he needed to do, and to confirm the decisions he was about to make. Coincidentally, the week ended and spring came. Once the new season bloomed, he knew he needed to get to work. 

The first thing he planned to do was to get a new apartment. Yuta had told him a month before that he was going to move in with Ten. Apparently, Doyoung's "disappearance" was too much for Ten to handle, and he needed someone to be with. Jaehyun wanted to point out that he'd need someone to be with too, but he kept his mouth shut. 

He was on the path of reform, and starting a fight with Yuta wasn't a good start to that path. 

Failing to find an apartment after a few days though eventually led him back home. He didn't want to tell his father he needed more money for rent because that will just force him to live back with his father — something Jaehyun didn't want to do. 

But he moved back home anyway, in the guise of needing to step away from life but in reality, he was buying himself time (and money) to find somewhere else to move to. 

Moving back though meant facing his father. 

And facing his father meant talking about what had happened. 

Jaehyun was in his father's study during a weekend, planning to tell his father he was going back to his apartment. He had found a new apartment to live in, and he thought it was enough of an excuse to leave the premises of his father's home. 

But his father had other plans. 

"I heard you quit swimming," Jaehyun's father started — straight to the point. Though Jaehyun knew his father was blunt, he still wasn't ready for the interrogation. 

He didn't look at Jaehyun. Instead, he looked at the papers on his desk as if uninterested with Jaehyun, but he knew his father was listening. 

In his defense, he hadn't quit yet — just that he was about to. In his father's eyes, though, 'have' and 'would' was the same as long as it ended in the same thing. Which in this case was Jaehyun quitting swimming. 

"What do you plan with your life now, then?" His father asked, already assuming that Jaehyun's silence was the affirmation he needed. 

Jaehyun cleared his throat, hoping he didn't give out an ounce of nervousness. 

"I'm planning to take Physical Ed."

His father looked up, surprised. He stared Jaehyun down, and Jaehyun stared back, despite the beads of sweat already dripping from the backs of his neck. He had learned while growing up that looking away meant a harsher punishment, and Jaehyun still hadn't been told his judgement. 

"You're planning to teach?" His father asked, going back to his paper. 

Jaehyun silently took a deep breath, biting his lower lip. He was too nervous of his father's reaction once he answered. 

"I thought it was an admirable profession." His father's lips lifted into a snicker. 

Jaehyun clenched his jaw. He knew how his father felt by this decision. Though teaching was an admirable profession, it wasn't the profession his father wanted for Jaehyun. 

He wanted Jaehyun to be a lawyer, but Jaehyun insisted he wanted to be a swimmer, so his father let him — giving up the dream he had for his eldest son with hesitance. Now, Jaehyun was quitting the thing he had fought for. He could sense the disappointment from his father's stance. 

He didn't have to say anything. Jaehyun knew. 

"As long as you're happy," his father said in a nonchalant voice. He didn't mean it, Jaehyun had realized. 

His happiness was never important. 

"I'm going back to my apartment," he said, abruptly, not really knowing how to insert the reason he was there in the first place. 

His father didn't acknowledge him, and Jaehyun knew he had already been dismissed. Sighing, he slowly walked away. 

The apartment he decided to move into was Doyoung's old apartment. It was relatively cheap, and the room was already a place he was used to. 

When he stood in front of the apartment, keys in his hands, he froze. The last time he had been inside was when he left Doyoung.

He wasn't sure if he was ready to face that all again.

When Jaehyun opened the door, the air hit him like a punch, and he staggered. 

The landlady said that Doyoung had left during the beginning of January, and yet Jaehyun stood by the door, still feeling his presence around the room. 

Suddenly, a flash of his life — of the things he remembered that happened in this apartment — played in front of him like a film. 

He saw the first time Doyoung invited him home, the first night he stayed, the second, the third. He saw how they came and went without seeing each other and finally, he saw when he left. The big fight — the last fight.

His things unceremoniously dropped from his hands as he inched further inside the apartment, until he finally stood in front of the bed. 

The sheets were gone — Doyoung's lilac sheets — but he touched the bed as if he still felt it. Soon, he laid down on the empty bed, seeing how big it was for the first time. 

Jaehyun found himself sleeping immediately, not from tiredness, but from longing of wanting Doyoung to be beside him. 

Jaehyun couldn't do what he needed to do next because he kept forgetting that he needed to drop out of his program and shift to Physical Education. 

It felt like for each day he didn't work on it, regrets would latch onto him. So, not wanting regret to overtake him, he put his plans on hold and fixed his papers. 

It took two days to finish finalizing everything. No one asked him why he was shifting out, as if they already knew the answer and didn't want to waste their breath in asking. Instead, the signed the papers and let him go. It took two days to finally give up on his whole life's work. 

Regret didn't come. Jaehyun had held onto this decision, and had thrown away his biggest game as a student athlete to regret all of it. Nothing will change anyway if he did. 

"Are you sure about this?" his mother asked. Jaehyun had called them first thing after finishing everything, knowing they had the right to hear it from Jaehyun first and not from his father. 

"I've already processed the papers, Mom," Jaehyun answered. "I'm officially a Physical Ed. student." 

"That's great of you, wanting to teach," his mother answered. Ever since Christmas, they felt closer. Though Jaehyun knew it'll take a while to eventually create a more meaningful relationship with his mother, he had thought this was a great start.

"You can teach Jaem swimming, Jae," Jeno piped in. Surprisingly, Jeno took the news well, even encouraging Jaehyun by saying it was his life. It was his choice how to live it. 

Jaehyun chuckled, "I have to finish the program first, Jen, before I can officially teach."

"But you would teach Jaemin, right?" Jeno asked. 

"Yeah, I promise!"

Jeno released a victorious shout before Jaehyun heard him running away. He heard his mother laugh. Jaehyun assumed his brother was probably playing again. 

"Where are you now?" His mother asked. 

"I'm at home," Jaehyun answered. He felt his mother smile despite not seeing her. They exchange a few more stories, the call eventually stretching to hours before they finally said their goodbyes. 

It was funny for Jaehyun, how he now called Doyoung's apartment home, when he never considered it as one in the first place. Back then, Doyoung's apartment was somewhere he crashed, just a resting place for the night before he needed to go again in the morning. 

But now, as he looked around the place, fully decorated again (it took him three days) somehow, he knew, this was home.

The weekend after he shifted programs, he finally had the courage to carry out his plans — the next step to the path of reformation. 

That was to apologize to Doyoung's friends (maybe some of his friends too). He didn't know why he thought it was necessary, but he wondered if by doing so, he'd feel closer to forgiveness from Doyoung somehow. Besides, there was no harm in trying. 

He started with City 127. 

Johnny had told him about one of their gigs the Friday that week, and he decided to go watch. He tried to humor himself, saying that Doyoung might appear, but as the night grew deeper, the possibility of him appearing grew less and less. Jaehyun admitted that he was disappointed, but it was his fault for hoping. 

The band almost didn't want to listen to him, but with Johnny's support, they eventually heard him out. 

They didn't forgive him. In Taeyong's words, "it was hard to forgive him" but they accepted his apology and Jaehyun thought that was close enough. Again, he never expected to be forgiven anyway. 

He fell asleep that night listening to Doyoung's songs on his mp3 player. 

Asking forgiveness from Ten was harder. Not only did Ten refuse to meet with him, but Jaehyun also didn't know where to start in saying sorry. 

He was a bad soulmate to Ten's best friend, and he was also a bad roommate to his boyfriend. 

"Come on, Ten," Jaehyun started as he shocked the older man by appearing in his workplace — a restaurant near their university. 

"Just hear me out for a second," Jaehyun pleaded. 

Ten put his hands on his hips, and said, "one"

Jaehyun stared at him, confused. 

"Your second is done," Ten explained, pushing past Jaehyun to clean one of the tables a few minutes before he had to open the restaurant.  

"I just want to apologize, Ten." 

Ten stopped, and glared back at him. "I'm not the one you're supposed to be apologizing to."

"I know that," Jaehyun said. "But I hurt you too."

He took a deep breath. Ten stared at him, looking as if he was finally ready to listen. 

"I knew you were hurt too after what I did to Doyoung, but I want to say sorry for being arrogant towards you as well."

Jaehyun started listing down all his faults, at least those he can name, before Ten decides not to listen anymore. 

"I'm sorry for ignoring you when you visited, or not greeting you back when you said hi. I'm sorry for pretending to not know you sometimes, or finding ways not to hang out with you," Jaehyun's palms were sweaty as he continued his monologue. "There's no excuse, not any good one, that can explain my actions. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I just wanted you to hear me out."

Ten sighed. Tears rimmed his eyes, and Jaehyun wondered if he was actually going to cry. He didn't. 

"Why do you have to realize you're a jerk now that it's too late."

The underlying meaning behind Ten's word didn't escape Jaehyun. 

Too late. 

Of course, he was. Somehow, he tried consoling himself that by asking for forgiveness from everyone, he'd actually have a chance with Doyoung again. 

"Is it really too late?" 

The question came out unexpectedly. Jaehyun didn't mean to ask about it. 

Ten looked at him with pity. "I hope you can find someone to love one day, Jae. Someone you can cherish, and someone you would never hurt." 

Ten pushed past him again, and this time Jaehyun knew, he'll no longer listen. 

Mark didn't take it kindly when Jaehyun announced he'd be leaving swimming. They were eating lunch with Johnny and Yuta, who had already been together prior to lunch; Jaehyun still wasn't used to this friendship. Lucas had already joined them. Mark's sacrifice during Christmas was enough to tie them together. The two of them getting together had always been inevitable.

"You can't be quitting," Mark whined,

Jaehyun didn't know why he was so hung up about it. Even Johnny had understood why he needed to leave. Yuta stared at Jaehyun shaking his head — ignoring the whole table and just focusing on eating.

"I just don't feel like it, anymore," Jaehyun exclaimed.

"Then you rest," Mark complained. "You don't quit."

"Mark," Lucas called, making Mark shut up. The latter sighed as he watched Jaehyun eat. He knew whatever he would say, nothing will change. Jaehyun had already made his decisions, and made the necessary arrangements supporting his decisions.

"It's just..." Mark sighed, somewhat nervous. "I like competing with you. It brings out the best in me," Mark admitted.

He scoffed. "Now that I'm saying it out loud, it does sound selfish."

The whole table laughed.

Jaehyun patted his friend on the back of his hand, promising he'd swim with him if he needed a swim partner. That was enough for Mark to stop whining.

A few minutes later, food already finished, Mark leaned forward on the table again.

"Would you look for him? Doyoung?" Mark asked.

The table stopped talking, and Mark was oblivious how controversial his question was. Though, if he was being honest, Jaehyun had somewhat expected it.

He had finally told the swim team — or at least his closest friends in the team — about Doyoung, though he was a little embarrassed having no soulmate to actually introduce.

But he only told Mark what happened exactly. He didn't want to destroy his already destroyed name, especially for people he might not be able to see again.

"I don't think he wants me to find him," was what Jaehyun answered. What he wanted to answer, though, was he'd try, but he didn't think he'd be encouraged if he said that.

Mark pouted, squeezing Jaehyun's hand comfortably.

"I hope you'll be happy."

Jaehyun could only smile.

It took Jaehyun exactly two years to finish his program. After he graduated, he applied to be a PE teacher in Jeno's high school. He got accepted after a year, and since then, he'd been teaching.

Jaehyun's addition to the faculty also opened a swimming club, and despite not having great memories of swimming, Jaehyun decided that coaching was something he could do. In the end, it had also done him well.

That’s how he found himself here now, five years later, in front of Kim Doyoung.

Even if he didn't want to admit it, Jaehyun did try to find Doyoung for the past few years. He knew it was impossible to be able to start anything with him again, but he still held onto the little hope — though he really didn't know where that hope came from.

The funny thing was, if Jaehyun had known Doyoung's course in the university — if he had known he was taking journalism — it would've been easier to find him. Because despite dropping out, Doyoung still continued in his track. That was why he was here today, writing for the competition Jaehyun was chaperoning his team for.

"Why sports journalism?" Jaehyun asked.

Doyoung, actually, found it ironic that he ended up being a sports journalist, especially after what he experienced with an athlete.

He shrugged nonchalantly, drinking from his water bottle. "I hooked-up with a swimmer once. I wondered what was so special about sports," he answered, jokingly, even adding a small laugh.

Jaehyun tried to swallow the discomfort he felt hearing how Doyoung addressed their relationship. He didn't say anything about it, though, not wanting to remember how five years ago, that was basically how he thought their relationship was.

"How are you?" Doyoung asked, in the silence. "What are you doing now?"

"I teach PE in my brother's high school," Jaehyun answered.

Doyoung stared at him, surprised.

"That's admirable."

Jaehyun grimaced, having heard that term a lot for the past five years.

"Still swimming?"

Jaehyun shook his head. "I quit five years ago. I do teach the swimming team for the high school, but that's the closest thing to swimming I've done."

Doyoung stopped, computing the time in his head. If he was shocked knowing that Jaehyun quit the year he had left, he tried not to show it. He didn't want to regret his decisions, but somehow there was an ache in his chest knowing what Jaehyun did.

He didn't want to ask anymore why he quit. Doyoung was scared about what the answer would be.

"By the way," Jaehyun muttered, breaking Doyoung away from his thoughts. "This might be a weird statement, but... I never felt you again."

Doyoung knew what he meant.

Their relationship might've been toxic, and might’ve ended tragically, they would've still felt each other's life — they were soulmates after all. Doyoung stared at him, his heart suddenly breaking. Jaehyun really hadn't known anything.

"No one told you," Doyoung remarked, feeling suddenly guilty.

Jaehyun looked at him curiously. Doyoung sighed, pulling down his left jacket sleeve.

Despite not seeing it yet, Jaehyun was nervous. Doyoung showed his wrist, and Jaehyun stared at the line that cut through his soulmark.

"Since when?" Jaehyun asked.

"Five years ago," Doyoung admitted.

Suddenly, everything made sense to Jaehyun — why they never told him anything, why they kept saying not to find Doyoung or even why they kept insisting it was too late. Because Jaehyun was too late.

"Did it hurt?"

Doyoung nodded. "For a while, it did."

"Now?"

"Sometimes it aches a little — like an ant bite."

Jaehyun took a deep breath. He had his head bowed, and his hands on his lap. He stared at his timer, at the breaths he carefully managed for the past five years.

"I'm sorry, Jae."

"You know far too well that it's not your fault."

Doyoung sighed, saying, "I should've told you at least."

"I don't think I'd be where I am now if you did," Jaehyun assured. Somehow, he still didn't regret anything. He took one last deep breath, before standing up. "Are you happy now?" Jaehyun asked.

Doyoung smiled up at him sincerely and nodded, "Very."

"Then that's all that matters," Jaehyun answered before walking away. There was no point in staying.

Nothing tethered them together. At least, not anymore.