Chapter Text
“Tony, I got here as quickly as I could-” started Rhodey, opening the door of Tony’s studio only to then stop. And stare.
“What.”
Tony looked away from the mirror he had been holding and immediately let out a sigh when he saw him. “Oh thank god. Rhodey, I need your help!”
Rhodey blinked. He looked behind him for a second, and then back at Tony. “Did I just walk into an alternate universe? Am I back in the early 2000s?”
“Rhodey, be serious!”
“I am being serious,” lied Rhodey, like the liar liar pants on fire that he was. He was smirking, the jerk. “Just trying to make sense of why am I once more in the presence of slutTony supreme.”
Tony gasped, looking down at his shirt. “It’s too slutty?”
“The shirt, no,” said Rhodey, leaning on the desk and looking him up and down. “Those trousers? Absolutely.”
Tony looked down at his trousers and then shrugged. “That’s fine. I need my ass-setts to be visible,” he said, with a pointed slap at his own ass.
“Sure, why not,” huffed his best friend, shaking his head and looking back up at Tony. “Not that you don’t look lovely, but we have a meeting that starts in like 5 minutes, so I’m not sure why you called me in here all of a sudden. Or why you’re dressed like it’s pre 2009 and you’re on your way to seduce a poor fool who thinks they can tame you.”
Tony paused in his fiddling with his make up pouch to beam at him. “That is a lovely description, thank you, honeybear!” he said, and then immediately his expression twisted into one of trepidation. “Rhodey, it’s an emergency!”
“So you have alluded,” said Rhodey, staring at him impassively because he did not actually have a heart. And if he did, it was cold, frozen solid, and harboured no love at all for Tony. “Out with it, drama queen.”
“I will allow this utter besmirching of my good name because I need you,” huffed Tony. “FRI, pull up the visual please.”
“Here you go, Boss,” said the AI, and Rhodey looked over with a frown at the holographic screen that appeared in front of them.
The screen showed a live visual of the meeting room Rhodey had been in earlier, focused on several occupied seats.
Rhodey blinked. “What am I looking at?”
Tony glared, offended. “Are you blind?”
“All I see is Rogers, Barnes, Prince T’Challa, Strange, Banner, Thor and Loki,” he said, turning to look at Tony more than a little confused.
Tony flicked his nose, ignoring his offended expression. “Okay, you know their names, good for you. Now who do you see when looking at them in reference to moi?”
“In reference to- oh,” said Rhodey, eyes suddenly widening. “Oh. Oh!”
He turned to Tony who was covering his face with his hands, letting a soul pained sound, and then let out a laugh. “You slut.”
Tony slapped his shoulder. “How dare you slutshame your future husband?!” he demanded, scowling.
Rhodey snorted, not even pretending to hide how amused he was. “You keep clinging to that pact we made when you were 17, what if I get a girlfriend? What will you do then, Stank?”
“I will allow you one mistress,” said the man, imperiously sniffing and ignoring Rhodey’s chuckles. “Because let’s face it, I am way too pretty to be the side piece.” Then his pout returned, full force. “Rhodey, help me.”
“It’s probably not much of a big deal,” tried his best friend, shrugging at Tony’s disbelieving expression. “So what, you have a body count and several boyfriends in the same room-”
“Aht, aht!” immediately interrupted Tony. “That is incorrect terminology and I will not stand for such slander.” He pointed at the screen. “Rogers: I had hate sex with him twice and ruined him for everyone else. He keeps asking me out, but I have never, and will never, go out with him, so jot that down. Barnes, bisexual awakening as a kid.”
Rhodey shook his head. “No wonder you are so fucked up.”
“Tell me about it,” snorted Tony, shaking his head too. “T’Challa, fake dated to piss off our dads, and slept together for real,” he looked wistful. “Good times.”
Rhodey flicked him on the nose. “Strange and you didn’t date?”
Tony scrunched up his nose. “That word was not used. Or any words, to be honest. Friends with benefits who never spoke more than 10 words with each other and weren’t, technically, friends?”
His friend blinked at him. “You slept with him for two years and you weren’t exclusive?”
“Dick game so crazy it made me stupid,” admitted Tony, huffing and pointing at the screen again. “Brucey, friends with benefits who were more friends than anything else.”
“I thought it happened once?” asked Rhodey, curious despite himself.
Tony patted his shoulder, a faraway expression on his face. “What happens in the labs, stays in the labs.”
“In the labs? Oh come on man, I used those labs!”
“Don’t worry, Brucey had a thing about keeping things clean,” said Tony rolling his eyes. He pursed his lips. “Not going to lie, he made it hot.”
“You’re gross,” informed him Rhodey, with a grimace and then pointed at the screen, brows furrowed. “Thor? You’ve never slept with Thor.”
“Immaculate conception,” said Tony. At Rhodey’s blank look, he continued. “He got me pregnant with Vision without my knowledge. That’s what space gods' dicks are capable of, Rhodey!” he shouted the last bit, trying to make himself heard over the sound of his best friend groaning like he was in pain. “What!”
“How many times do I have to repeat this, you did not give birth to Vision!”
“How would you know?” asked Tony, crossing his arms together. “You weren’t there! My own fiancé, abandoned me! It was just me and Bruce, as he helped bring my son into this world. The labour was extremely dangerous, I was attacked by a soldier, an evil witch and her brother-”
“You didn’t even make him!”
“He is my flesh and blood!”
“His flesh is made of Vibranium!”
Tony pouted. “He gets that from his father. His traitorous father who then abandoned us as soon as Vision was born, running off with the midwife in space.” He put a hand over his chest. “Never even gave me child support, the jerk.”
“The midwife?” Rhodey looked like he wasn’t sure he wanted to know but morbidly enough couldn’t stop himself from asking.
“Bruce,” sighed Tony. “Keep up, platypus.”
“Didn’t Thor say he and Bruce met in Sakaar?”
“That’s what the cheating bastard wants us to believe,” darkly said the engineer. “But I’m on to him.”
“How is it cheating if you’ve never slept together?”
Tony’s glare was on him now. “Who’s side are you on! As my best friend and Vision’s godfather, you should know better!”
“Since when am I Vision’s godfather? I did not sign anything?”
“You are DUM-E’s other dad,” said Tony, ignoring the startled squawk from Rhodey at that. “It was implied.”
“DUM-E’s- just what? Implied by whom?!”
“Moving on,” cheerily said Tony, pointing at the last man on the screen. “Loki. Only once, but memorable. So, we should-”
“Hold on,” said Rhodey, squinting at the way Tony was trying to change topic so quickly, and doing the maths in his head. “Just when exactly did this ‘once but memorable’ moment with Loki occur?”
When Tony did not reply, Rhodey’s eyes widened, making him look veritably appalled. “Tones!”
“He looks very pretty in chains, that was not my fault!” immediately said Tony, giving him his best puppy eyes. “And before you go with power dynamics and whatnot, I sucked his dick, and I did not-”
“I so don’t want to know,” huffed Rhodey, shaking his head violently. “I can’t believe the guy appeared on Earth and tried to take it over and you gave him a blowjob.”
“Thor said he wasn’t himself when he did that!”
“You didn’t know that then!”
Tony gave him wounded eyes, pulling his jacket tighter against himself with a sniffle. “I feel attacked and slutshamed.”
“You stopped feeling shame at 17 years old, you liar,” said Rhodey, shaking his head at him. Then he sighed, because as much as he acted like drove him crazy, Tony knew he’d never leave him hanging during a catastrophe such as this.
He stared at the screen for a few seconds then nodded. Turned to Tony.
“Sucks to be you. Hurry up meeting starts soon!”
Tony watched him walk away, shocked beyond reason. “What?! Sourpatch!” The door closed between them, and Tony gaped, then looked over at one of the cameras. “FRI, can you believe this?!”
“My lenses must be fogged up, because I cannot believe what I just saw,” she said, voice just a tad too light, and Tony’s eyes narrowed.
“Are you sassing me, young woman?”
“I wouldn’t dare,” she said.
Tony wasn’t so sure he believed her.
“Thread carefully, little girl. Know that McDonald’s could always do with a mouthy little AI.”
“No, Boss, anything but customer service!”
“Then you better behave and stop spending that much time on the internet,” he said, pulling out the mascara from the make up pouch. “It's rotting your circuits. Now find me a make up look that screams ‘I’m a bad bitch’ with a hint of ‘I won the break-up, btw’ and also ‘Oh wow, I would have never expected to run into my ex at such an event, I would have put some effort if I had cause this is no effort at all’,” he ordered.
“Finding searches for: James Charles,” said FRIDAY, and Tony was quite sure she was laughing at him when he nearly stabbed himself in the eye.
The little brat.
He needed new children, the old ones were clearly broken.
Tony strutted into the room 14 minutes late, with two coffees in his hands, Rhodey's leather jacket, the same very tight trousers on, and a ‘deeply apologetic expression’ on his face.
He kept his eyes on the table where Rhodey was sat at when he walked in, ignoring the slight eye roll his best friend pulled or the surprised expression on Carol’s face.
“Sorry I’m late, had a bunch of thing to finish up on,” he said. And technically, it was the truth. He had his face to finish up on. “Here, as an apology,” he said, dropping the drinks on the desk.
Carol blinked a couple of times, even as she accepted her drink. “Wow,” she whispered to herself, which only served in making Tony feel more smug.
“Go sit down,” huffed Rhodey, but Tony could see in his eyes that he was looking forward to whatever drama would happen next.
Only then did he turn around, ostensibly, to look for a chair, when in truth he just wanted to check that he had managed to make an impression and that people’s eyes were still on him.
Almost everyone in the room was looking at him, and Tony noted with glee that the alliance of ex lovers was also staring. Rogers' mouth was agape, eyes wide as he ogled him like a piece of meat. Barnes’ gaze was more assessing, though his eyes stopped on his butt too long for him to be analysing any sort of threat. T’Challa had appeared startled by the lipgloss on Tony’s lips the most, and unwilling to look anywhere else. Stephen’s eyebrow was raised, and, from the glint in his eyes, Tony knew he liked what he saw very much. Bruce was blushing, though he was making a valiant effort at not staring. Thor appeared surprised as well, though he kept his eyes respectful (had anyone even been leered at respectfully, before? Cause that’s what Tony felt like, right now. Not going to lie, he was impressed). And Loki was looking at him like he wanted to eat him.
How scandalous!
It was indecent!
Tony forced himself to not preen too visibly, before finding a seat beside Valkyrie, near the main door. He sat down, very aware of the various eyes still on him, though he pretended not to be.
Rhodey sighed again, before starting to speak once more - not that Tony was listening. He already knew what was going to be discussed, and FRIDAY would repeat everything he had missed anyway.
Valkyrie elbowed him a couple of seconds after the meeting restarted, and when Tony looked over at her, she was smirking. “What’s got you all dolled up like that, pretty boy?”
“Why?” he asked, batting his eyelashes at her. He was aware of at least three eyes still on him, at this point. “Do you think I look good?”
She chuckled. “You are definitely not tall enough for this ride, Midgardian,” she said, patting his cheek. “It is a valiant effort, though,” she added, eyes going on his lips. Tony did not blush but if she kept looking at him like that he might just start. “Pretty.”
Tony had not been called pretty very often. So it was not his fault that he let a little giggle at that, looking down at his hands and still forcing himself to not blush.
Rhodey and Carol did not seem to have noticed, thankfully. But when Tony looked up for a second, from under his lashes, he immediately met a pair of familiar eyes trained on his face that made him shiver slightly at the intensity of the look. He gave the other a man a flirty little smile, and then made a point of looking away, running a hand through his carefully brushed hair.
And if, a few minutes later, he pulled out a small portable mirror and reapplied his lipgloss once more, well, that couldn’t be called distracting, could it. He just wanted to make sure his make up was still in place. He was not being seductive, he just cared about his appearance very much.
It wasn’t easy being the prettiest person around, Rhodey could stop rolling his eyes any time now.
+++
When the meeting ended, Tony did not immediately stand up from his table, instead pulling out his phone and making a show of checking messages on it that did not exist. Well, the messages existed, but Tony was not gonna answer them.
He was only a bit disappointed when Vision stopped at his desk first, frowning at him. “Why are you wearing make up?”
“Oh my god, Viz, you’re so funny!” loudly said, Tony, slapping his shoulder. “But yeah, he asked me out again.”
Vision blinked. “What are you-”
“Don’t worry,” he continued, aware that more than one pair of eyes was on him right now. “He will not become your new step father. You have nothing to worry about,” he said, standing up and linking their arms together.
Thor intercepted them before they could walk away, and Tony's smile was not for show anymore. “You look very beautiful today, friend Anthony,” he informed him candidly.
Tony blinked wide eyes at him. “Oh really? This is a normal effort for me, nowadays. But thank you, Thor, you are sweet.”
“He's right, you look really good,” added Bruce, blushing when Tony beamed at him.
“Yeah,” agreed Steve, from beside him. Where had he come from? “You look really, uh, handsome, Tony.”
“The word you’re looking for is pretty, Valkyrie said so,” he said, sniffing slightly and pretending he did not see Barnes ogling him.
“Pretty?” asked Stephen, pausing on the way, as he was heading out. He looked Tony up and down, way too slowly and deliberately to look anything but incredibly inappropriate. “I suppose we can use that word for you, yes.”
“I don’t know,” said T’Challa, picking up his own notebook, and smiling a little flirtatiously. “I prefer the term ‘gorgeous’.”
“Edible,” whispered Loki, and Tony jumped at the sound of his voice so close to his ear. Loki gave him a smug little grin, tongue running over his teeth. “That’s my word.”
Vision’s eyes narrowed slightly, as he looked at the various men around them with suspicion. “I am uncomfortable with this sudden attention towards my father’s looks.”
“Say it again,” complained Rhodey, shouldering past them to grab Tony’s hand. “This reminds me of MIT all over again, and not in a good way.”
Tony allowed the manhandling, if only because he had just come to a very worrisome conclusion (and also because it left them with a parting shot of his ass, and that was a blessing not many received, to be honest).
“What just occurred?” asked Vision, following them out and looking suspiciously at anyone who gave a second look at Tony. “I dislike the way some of the people in that room kept looking at you.” He looked over at his shoulder, and scowled. “Why is Captain Rogers observing you like one would a meal he found most pleasing?” he asked, as he took off his cape and put it over Tony’s shoulders.
“Because I’m a snack,” said Tony, at the same time as Rhodey said,
“Because he’s a horndog, and Tony is trying to make an entire room wallow in the regret of having had him and then having lost him, at one point or another in their lives.”
“What is the purpose of this?” asked Vision, sounding baffled.
"My entertainment."
“Vanity,” said Rhodey, with an eyeroll. “Thank god you just wanted to make them regret no longer being with you and nothing else, right?”
Tony said nothing, staring very hard at a point in front of himself.
Rhodey stopped walking, looking over at him. “Right, Tony?”
Tony kept staring in front of him. The wall sure looked like a wall, today. Very wall-like. Tony was impressed. Did all walls look like they were walls or-
“Tony, no.”
“Platypus-”
“You swore off your hoe tendencies!”
“I’m an addict!” cried Tony. “And he kept looking at me like that, and then he said that and now I want to drop on my knees again. It’s not my fault. It’s a sickness, actually.”
“He?” asked Vision. “Who’s he?”
Tony just gave him a look. “You know damn well who he is.”
Rhodey put a hand on his face. “Really? Him?”
“I am a very weak man, Rhodey,” said Tony, shaking his head. “You should know this by now.”
He was supposed to slap them all in the face with the fact that he looked better now, at 40 something years of age, than he had when he was in any relationship with any of them.
Not catch him staring at him like that, hear him pay him a compliment later and get weak at the knees!
And yet here he was.
Once more lusting hard over him.
Life was not good.