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“Rhodey, I have come to a conclusion,” said Tony, opening the door to the man’s office without bothering to knock, and throwing himself sideways on the chair in front of him, legs propped onto his desk.
Rhodey blinked up at him. “Come on in, Tony. Hi, Tony. Would you like to take a seat, Tony? How can I help you today, Tony?”
“Pfft, that’s not important.”
“Common courtesy is not important?”
“You’d check for signs of me being mentally manipulated or being a Skrull if I started acting courtesly towards you,” pointed out Tony, and Rhodey nodded, sighing.
“I still remember how polite you were, when I first met you. I know Edwin Jarvis is looking down on you from Heaven, and crying every time you drink something with your pinky down.”
Most likely. Tony waved him off though, because he had more important things to discuss. “Anyway, back to important things, aka me. I have come to a very important conclusion.”
“What are the chances that you’ll leave me alone if I ignore you?”
“Less than zero,” truthfully said Tony.
Rhodey groaned, before making a gesture with his hands. “Be quick.”
“Don’t rush me, platypus, I’ll be as quick or as slow as I please,” huffed Tony, before steeling his face into a more serious expression. “I have come to the defining decision that I am done with men.”
“Like I haven’t heard this one before,” rudely interrupted Rhodey, rolling his eyes.
“Hey! I am serious this time! I tried to date and sleep with men, but you know what? They have done nothing but give me pain - and not in the nice way - and annoy me. Men are nothing but a disappointment, have done nothing but cause problems in my life so, from now on, no more men for Tony Stark,” told him Tony, nodding seriously. “Women can be trashy too, but in my experience they are mostly classy. Men are awful and terrible, and I never want to see one that isn’t you again, because they do nothing but disappoint me.”
“Tony, you’re a man.”
Tony stared at him. “Did I stutter? I might be very hot and the best thing this world has to offer, and I might live my life knowing that everyone is completely and utterly in love with me always, but I am also a piping hot mess, and trash. It’s called being multidimensional, look it up.”
Rhodey snorted, opening up his laptop again. “Hey, FRI, last time Tony swore off men, how long did it last?”
“Three weeks, Colonel Rhodey,” she said, and Tony squinted at one of her cameras at her tone.
“Fri, are you laughing at me?”
“Of course not, Boss. I have total faith in you and your ability of keeping yourself from falling for another man ever again.”
“See, your words sound right, but your voice sounds mocking. I did not program that in you, Fri, who’s been teaching you these things?”
“The Internet, Boss,” she said, and Tony put a hand over his chest, affecting a horrified look.
“Not the Internet! My god, Rhodey, our daughter is spending time on the Internet!”
“Nope,” immediately said Rhodey, shaking his head decidedly. “That’s you and Pepper’s daughter. I accepted DUM-E and JARVIS, anything else came from your inability to keep your legs closed.”
“Honeybunch!” gasped Tony, looking at him with wounded eyes. “But you’re my number one! I’m loyal only to you!”
“Then why does Vision look like the neighbourhood god?” demanded Rhodey, lips pursed and expression pained. “Tony, no one in my family had Vibranium skin and blue eyes. I know Vision isn’t my real son. Just admit it, this lie has been going on for too long.”
“He has your vaguely egg shaped head!” exclaimed Tony, ducking when Rhodey threw a pack of post its at him. “Why are you denying your own blood! Vision is yours!”
“I had FRIDAY run a DNA test,” said Rhodey, doing his best not to laugh when Tony gasped even louder, a hand going over his mouth. “FRIDAY? Give it to us.”
“When it comes to The Vision Banner Cho Jarvis Rhodes Stark Thorson, James Rhodes you are... not the father!”
“Nooooo...” wailed Tony, falling onto the ground while Rhodey ‘cried’ in his hands. “There has to be some sort of mistake! This cannot be true! I was nothing but loyal to you!”
“You’d call the fair Lady Science a liar?” questioned Rhodey, wiping a fake tear from the corner of his eyes. “First you lie about Vision being my son, now you mock the Lady Science... it’s like I don’t even know you any more, and you- what.”
“No,” complained Tony, from where he was still dramatically laying on the ground. “Keep going, I’m having fun.”
Rhodey did not keep going, eyes a little wide as he stared on his screen. “Oh no.”
“Oh no what?” asked Tony, sitting up. His eyes widened. “Wait, are the Rogues coming back?”
“Worse,” informed him Rhodey, pushing the computer so that it was facing Tony. "At least for you."
Tony’s eyes scanned the contents of the e-mail, and then his mouth dropped open. “No way.”
“Uh-uh.”
“No fucking way.”
Rhodey grimaced. “The e-mail is pretty clear,” he said. When Tony kept staring at it, gobsmacked, he winced, his expression turned worried. “You good?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” asked Tony, turning to him with what he hoped was a perfectly neutral expression that showed none of his current feelings.
“Your left eye has been twitching non stop since I showed you the e-mail.”
... Well, he still had some time to practice.
“So,” said Carol, looking over at Tony. “I see you’re here Tony. Even though you are not a New Avenger leader and have been very insistent about making sure that everyone knew that, and that you were never asked to do Avenger leader work.”
“Today is a special situation,” he told her, fixing his sunglasses one last time as they watched the Wakandan jet landing in front of them.
“Is that why you’re dressed like you’re about to go to a SI board meeting?” she asked, and Tony did turn to face her at this, hoping his disgust was clearly showcased.
“Excuse me, I would never show up at SI like this. That is a place of serious work, not a pastime gig like being an Avenger.”
“We save the world on like a bi-weekly basis,” pointed out Rhodey, obviously just for the sake of an argument.
“Do we do 9-5? No? Then it’s a hobby,” huffed Tony, turning his attention to the jet once more. Plus, these were not even ‘hanging out with my New Avengers friends’ clothes anyway. This was a ‘You can’t afford me, bitch’ suit jacket, paired with ‘the Lord might have mercy, but I don’t’ trousers and a ‘oh, you fucking bastard’ tie.
But Rhodey however always looked at him weirdly when Tony explained the concept behind each piece of clothing he wore, so he did not inform her of this, instead standing a little straighter in his ‘what are you talking about, I’m not wearing insoles, this is how tall I am naturally’ black shoes.
And there was the bastard the tie was named after, he thought, keeping his face from showing any emotion as the group emerged from the jet (he had not managed to get rid of the tic just yet, which was why the sunglasses were very necessary) (obviously the sunglasses did not have a name, they were just sunglasses and Tony wasn’t insane).
The man was staring right back at him from the second he stepped out of the jet, and Tony was very pleased to see a slight eye twitch from him too - though he smoothed his face completely afterwards. Damn, Tony wanted to learn that trick.
The group stopped in front of Tony, Carol and Rhodey, and while the other two immediately started greeting T’Challa and company, Tony just stared at the man who had stopped in front of him.
The man stared back at him, face impassive, brown eyes trained on his sunglasses as if he could see through them.
Tony was only 98% sure he couldn’t, considering how long it had been since the last time he had seen him.
(8 years, 3 months and 11 days, to be specific. More or less, Tony had definitely not counted)
He looked good, recognised a part of him that Tony immediately punched in the face. Only objectively, though. He had an aesthetically pleasing face. And chest. Broad. Very broad chest. Muscles. More muscles than Tony recalled being there last time.
That was just important information that he was noting down for... New Avengers related purposes. Health was important after all. Yes.
When the other man just kept staring at him and not moving, though, and the others started to shift awkwardly around them, however, Tony had to concede defeat. He had never been good at awkward silences.
“Stevens.”
His mouth twitched in an almost smirk, and Tony really thought about punching him right then.
But he did not.
“Stark.”
Ew, that sounded so wrong coming from Erik. But he did not say it out loud or showed any other visible reaction (his eye twitching did not count since it was hidden), which was a clear improvement.
Rhodey sighed very loudly before ushering everyone towards the conference room, and again Tony showed no visible emotion whatsoever when Erik just walked forward without looking back.
He did not even ogle his ass or examine how fucking bigger and broader he had gotten or anything of the sort, no sir. He kept his eyes respectful the whole time.
“Tony, are you feeling quite all right?” questioned T’Challa, who Tony had not even noticed was walking beside him. “You appear tense.”
“I’m just fine, Kitty Kat,” he easily answered, smiling at him. He did not miss the slight falter in Erik’s steps at his words (not that he was looking for it), and put a hand on T’Challa’s arm. “But you’re sweet for asking.”
T’Challa’s smile was a little pained. “Last time I did not ask something-”
Tony pointedly ignored the reference, pushing his hair back a little, and making his smile even more alluring. “That time doesn’t matter. You have been nothing but extremely nice and polite since then. That apology bouquet you sent me? It was so sweet. No one’s ever given me flowers before.”
They walked inside the conference room as he spoke, and Tony caught Erik’s eyes on them for a second before the man quickly looked away. T’Challa’s smile returned, a little more playful this time. “That is honestly a tragedy. You deserve all of the flowers in the world.”
Erik pointedly did not look at them, but Tony still did not miss the way he rolled his eyes at that.
Oh, excellent.
He gave an airy chuckle, slapping his arm with barely any strength. “Oh stop it, you,” he said, then gasped. “My god, did you get even more built since the last time I saw you?”
“Uh? Well, I-”
“Can we start this meeting already or what?” interrupted Erik, looking at T’Challa rather than at Tony.
“Right,” said the King, and Tony narrowed his eyes slightly at Erik, as T’Challa moved to sit next to him.
“Thank you, Lieutenant Stevens,” said Carol, and he immediately leaned forward, smiling widely at her.
“No problem. Major Carol Danvers, correct?” he asked, smiling charmingly. Not that Tony thought the smile was charming. There was absolutely nothing charming about flirting so blatantly with someone when they were about to have a meeting, seriously where were his manners?
“Yes,” said Carol, not looking impressed. “Let’s start.”
+++
“What was that?” asked Carol, the moment the door was closed between them and the Wakandans who had just left.
Tony looked up from his phone, chewing on his gum. “What was what?”
“Oh, T’Challa, your point was so right, you are so smart,” said the blonde in a terrible, awful, very not good imitation of his voice, twirling her hair. “Oh ahah, you are so very funny, too! By the way, I know this is a meeting but has anyone ever told you that you have very beautiful eyes?” She made a face. “And then that Erik Stevens flirting with me every now and again, like... what?”
“I agree, he was completely out of line,” immediately said Tony, putting his phone on the table. “We should kick him out of the Compound and just never think about him ever again. You have my vote, who’s in favour?”
Tony was the only one who put his hand up, Rhodey turning to face Carol instead. “Tony and Erik are uh... well, they have history,” he started. “They met at this weapons expo and sort of clicked.”
“Fucked,” corrected Tony, which Rhodey again ignored.
“And they’re just very... weird about their relationship, I never understood it. Like they like acting like they don’t care about each other when they care very very much,” kept going Rhodey, continuing to spread lies on Tony’s good name.
“You are wrong,” he interrupted, glowering at him. “I honestly do not give one flying fuckening fuck about his dumness Erik Stevens. He likes to randomly leave me without a note or telling me where he’s going? His business. He disappears, leaving me to wonder if he died this time, and that I might never see him again? Pfft, his loss. He hasn’t fucking called me or texted me or at all interacted with me in eight years when the last time we saw each other he promised he’d keep in contact and that whatever it is he does when he’s not getting new scars for killing people was coming to an end? I don’t fucking care.”
The room was silent for a few seconds, both Carol and Rhodey staring at him.
“You sound like you care, a bit,” then said Carol, and Tony’s eyes narrowed at her.
“Well, your superpowers clearly fucked up your brain a little bit, cause I can assure you that’s not the case at all,” he told her, decidedly. “No sir. I, Tony Stark, no longer give a shit about Erik or any other man in my life who isn’t my loyal husband James Rhodes, and I’ll be damned if I let fucking Erik Stevens and his... bulging - they are so big, and for what reason? - muscles, and kissable lips, and sexy hair, and tight little ass, and thick - oh so fucking thick - thighs and alluring smirk ensnare me ever again.”
“My god,” said Carol, looking away from him to look at Rhodey. “Wow. Do you need a divorce lawyer?”
“Excuse me, homewrecker!”
Rhodey sighed. “He’d just buy the lawyer off. I’m stuck with him.”
“Yes, you are,” agreed Tony, smiling sunnily at him. “And nothing for you or your aesthetically pleasing body, Erik Stevens!”
As if Tony gave any shit about him anymore. He was completely 100% no doubt over Erik Stevens.
In fact, he’d prove it.
“Why, why, why are you here?” demanded Rhodey, as soon as Tony walked inside of the gym the next morning.
“Rude,” complained Tony, double checking his tank top and leggings in the mirror. No wonder he had won ‘sexiest man alive’ for the third time running, he was hot as hell. People were so lucky that they got to see him for free. “I own this Compound and everything inside it, I can come to the gym whenever I want.”
“Sure but you normally don’t,” pointed out Rhodey, still looking at him in suspicion. “So I know you’re back on your bullshit, and up to something.”
“You are so offensive, sugarplum,” informed him Tony. “And I’ll have you know, I came here because I promised Thor I’d help him with his workout yesterday, and I’m a man of my word.”
“What could you, Mr ‘I don’t even show up to work out when I’m actually supposed to' do to help Thor? Human mountain comes from a race of perceived gods, Thor?” asked Rhodey, sounding honestly baffled.
Tony did not deign that with an answer, pointing finger guns at his own reflection before he moved to where Thor was doing push ups. With one hand.
Because why not.
If Tony had been even a little into blonds that weren’t Pepper, he’d have been impressed.
“Hey, hammer time,” he called, smiling as Thor immediately stopped to look at him.
“Friend Tony!” greeted Thor, also grinning at him. “You have come to aid me in my exercises.”
“Just like I promised.”
“Thank you, I don’t know how I’d have done this without you,” he said, stopping.
Tony then climbed on his back, sitting cross legged on him, and Thor started moving. “While you are not very heavy, you do make this a little more challenging.”
“No problem, Ken doll,” he answered, smiling smugly at the look Rhodey gave him when he realised what Tony’s help consisted of. Tony did not see why he made that face, was he or was he not helping Thor?
Sure, Thor could have probably found something else to balance on his back as he did his exercises, but Tony was his friend. Of course he had offered when Thor had spoken about how easy most Midgardian exercises were.
And no matter the look Rhodey gave him when the door opened again, how could have Tony expected or foreseen Erik’s arrival? He wasn’t psychic. Sure, Erik was a soldier, and all the soldiers he knew liked to wake up at the crack of dawn to do exercises. And sure, Erik used to run laps around the Malibu Manson whenever he woke up in those periods of time where they were together, but how was Tony supposed to see this completely unforeseen turn of events coming?
He couldn’t have.
Erik sort of stopped in the doorway when he walked in, his eyes roving over Tony’s naked arms - he might not be as beefy as some people in the Compound but he was still fit - and his radiant skin - just because Tony had shown up to the gym, it did not mean he was planning on getting sweaty like everyone else. Nope, he had carried out his entire skin care routine early in the morning, as he did everyday - and then Thor, who he was sitting on.
Tony mindlessly grabbed the end strand of Thor’s hair, playing around with it as he went up and down, and then ‘accidentally’ looked over at Erik. Not because he cared about Erik and wanted to see his reaction or anything, but because he had a crick in his neck, and why not see if Erik was jealous while he was at it? Not that he’d care if he was, but Tony liked collecting information and stuff. Just a little curiosity, nothing more than that.
Erik was glaring at Thor, and Tony quickly looked away, snickering with a slight smirk on his face.
One point for Tony.
He did not care about Erik at all in the slightest not a little bit, but he was very happy to see him coming to terms with the consequences of his actions. Another person might have been hurt and heartbroken when Erik disappeared, and Tony was giving him a lesson in the name of this hypothetical person who did not actually exist.
He was doing this for America, if you really thought about it, and-
He nearly chocked when he turned around, just to see Erik - who had come in with a shirt - suddenly doing warm ups naked. Well, not naked, but he might as well be with those tight shorts and his sleeves rolled up and all that indecently... delicious (from an objective point of view, of course) skin on display, like some sort of whore.
Erik suddenly looked up and Tony quickly looked away, refusing to even give the hint of a reaction to that smug bastard. Because there was nothing to react to, because Tony did not care, did not give the littlest fuck of fucks and-
“Friend Tony, have I displeased you in some way?” came Thor’s voice, sounding a little pained.
Tony frowned at him. “No, why?”
“Your nails appear to be attempting to shred my skin to pieces,” he explained, and Tony gasped, pulling his fingers out from where they had sunk into Thor’s shoulder. Wow, he had even managed to draw some blood, he thought with a wince.
“I’m sorry,” he said, pointedly ignoring Erik looking at them in amusement. Fuck him, honestly-
... Though.
Though.
“Here, let me just,” said Tony, pressing a paper light kiss against his left shoulder, ignoring the slight catch in Thor’s breath. “And here,” he finished, pressing another barely there kiss against his right one. “Better?”
“Uhh, yeah," said Thor, clearing his throat.
Tony hummed, pushing a strand of hair out of his face.
Erik was no longer smiling.
Success.
+
“Ugh, finally,” complained Tony, as they walked inside of the cafeteria. “That worked out killed me.”
“Bitch please, you did not shed a single bead of sweat,” said Rhodey, glaring at him. “Hell, you did not even move!”
“Excuse you, that up and down thing was totally moving, just admit it already. Almost like sex, really-”
“Why is your mind perpetually in the gutter? Why do you live in horny-ville 24/7?”
“That’s where my summer home is,” quipped Tony, smiling at the sigh Rhodey gave him.
“Good morning,” greeted Vision, phasing from the floor. Neither Tony nor Rhodey even blinked, by now used to Vision's stubborn refusal to act like a normal person.
Honestly, all of these dramatics, Tony had no idea where he got it from. Neither him nor Rhodey had ever been particularly dramatic.
Still, he was supposed to be a good father figure. “Vision, I told you. No phasing through the walls and ceilings and floors, you might cause someone a heart attack and you are too young and too talented to end up in jail. Not that I’d ever let them take you there, I’d bury the evidence before they had a chance, but still.”
“You are a terrible father figure,” informed him Rhodey, like the rude evil man he was.
“I am doing my best, and I am pretty good, in fact! If you started pulling your weight more, maybe things would be different! But you’re always busy with- what.”
Both Rhodey and Vision turned to look at Tony when he suddenly stopped. Then they followed his gaze, as he was not looking at them, until they found the source of Tony’s current attention.
Erik.
And Loki.
Talking. And laughing. With each other.
Loki in particular, and Erik’s hand was on his arm, why was Erik’s hand on Loki’s arm? Didn’t he have pockets to put those in? And what was Loki laughing at, Erik wasn’t funny. Erik had never been funny a single day in his life, so what was with the giggling?
“Uh, Tony?”
And why the hell were they standing so close? What if Erik or Loki was sick, didn’t realise what they were risking by standing so close to each other? Social distancing was important.
Loki snorted, playfully slapping Erik’s hand while the other shook his head, smiling as he spoke, and why the hell was he being ‘playful’? When had they had the time to become playful with each other?
“Tones?”
Were they friends? And if so, since when, and who had authorised it? Tony was sure he had not done any such thing and yet here they were, acting cute, and flirting, and they might as well be fucking on the floor of the cafeteria, this display was frankly annoying and disappointing on both their parts and Tony needed them to cut it out.
There were children around! Vision and Friday were still in the single digits!
“Tony, you’re crushing your phone,” said Rhodey, and Tony blinked. His phone did, in fact, appear a little bent around the edges.
When he looked back up again, he caught the end of Erik’s smirk at him, before he sidled even closer to a slightly amused Loki, and oh.
Oh, he was trying to make Tony jealous. As if Tony cared about him enough to be jealous, pfft. Erik was so delusional it was a little sad.
But such actions could not be left unpunished of course.
He did not care about Erik and did not like him anymore nor did he miss him, but Tony Stark had never been known for allowing such blatant manipulation to continue unchallenged.
He’d show that smug little asshole.
This was war.
“I think I understand what you mean by weird, now,” said Carol, as she and Rhodey looked on the screen depicting the footage from the common room.
It had been a week since T’Challa had dropped his cousin at the Compound (since, while he had reached an agreement with him regarding Wakanda and the way their actions had been maliciously compliant considering everything other black people were forced to endure while they remained safe and happy within their borders, the majority of the other tribe chiefs still hated him).
In said weeks, Tony and Erik - or Killmonger, as he liked to be called - had done nothing but attempt to make each other jealous in odd but shockingly effective ways.
Currently, they were watching as Erik threw grapes at Darcy Lewis, who kept catching them with her mouth, while Tony was silently fuming in the corner, allegedly reading, though his eyes had not moved from the same spot in 4 minutes now. Wong was for some reason in the room, enjoying the live entertainment.
Which was tame, considering Tony had employed Thor’s help in making frosted cupcakes the day before, and then proceeded to lick the cream from Thor’s fingers. Thor had nearly passed out, and if Erik had gritted his teeth any harder, he'd have lost them.
At least Erik had stopped flirting with her after Carol had told him, in no uncertain terms, that she was a lesbian and also married.
“Right?” asked Rhodey, eating pizza as he watched the footage like he was watching a TV show. “Which is really annoying cause they both like each other so much but are too stupid about it. It’s irritating.”
“Why don’t they just get together?”
Rhodey shrugged. “Tony is upset that Erik left without saying goodbye or contacting him, Erik is upset that Tony never cares enough to go after him or ask him to stay.”
“Are they in high school?”
“Mentally? Yes,” said Rhodey, raising an eyebrow when Thor walked through the door of the common room, a bunch of flowers in his hands as he went directly towards Tony. “Oh, here’s the season finale plot twist.”
Carol gaped, as she watched Thor go down on one knee in front of the couch Tony was sitting on. “What the fuck?”
“I told Tony to not do too much on Thor because he might misunderstand, but no one ever listens to me, do they?”
+
Tony stared at where Thor was, on one knee in front of him with a blank expression. “Thor...?”
The blond looked up, shoving the flowers in his arms. Tony could not deny that they looked very pretty, but-
“I might have read our interactions of the past week wrong, but I don’t think I have,” said Thor, sincere bright blue eyes focused on him. Oh dear. “I always believed that we shared a bond between the two of us, and that bond only grew after Vision was born. But before you had made no action to indicate you agreed. This changed after you decided to so kindly help me with my training regime, and I believe that now you feel too what I feel for you.”
“What.” What the fuck was he going on about?
“So Tony son of Stark, would you do me the honour of marrying me?” asked Thor, like he wasn’t talking completely nonsense.
“Bruh,” came from a corner of the room.
“Oh my god, a proposal,” squealed Darcy. “Say yes!”
“Say sike!” said Erik, suddenly appearing between Thor and Tony. “This... whatever this is, is not happening, you’re not marrying Tony!”
Thor frowned. “I’m not?”
“He’s not?” also asked Tony, eyes narrowed. “And why not, Stevens? I could marry Thor if I wanted.”
“No, you can’t,” said Erik, turning to glare at him. “You still like me, so you’re not allowed to marry anyone that isn’t me.”
“Well, you still like me, so you’re not allowed to marry anyone that isn’t me either!” said Tony, looking at him like ‘ah, gotcha!’.
“Fine!”
“Fine!”
“Is that a no on the proposal, or...?” asked Thor, frowning as if he wasn’t sure of what had just happened.
Neither spared him a glance. “Fine! I’m gonna kiss you now, because I missed you!” Informed him Erik.
“Cool by me, since I kinda want you to fuck me right here on this couch because I missed you and don’t you dare leave me again!” answered Tony, putting his arms around his neck.
“Nice, a proposal gone wrong, a romantic reunion and now live porn,” came from an amused Darcy.
“No can do, Boss,” interrupted FRIDAY, and Tony was going to have her decommissioned because what child would stop their father from getting some? “Colonel Rhodey told me to tell you that sex in the common room is illegal under rule #213 of the ‘Laws that only apply to bitchass Tony Stark’ Constitution, and that you did not even last a week in your resolution.”
In response, Tony flipped off the camera from where he knew Rhodey had to be watching, gasping when Erik lifted him up by the hips. “You got stronger,” he said, wide eyed. “And your arms are bigger.”
Erik smirked devilishly. “Want to know what else is bigger?”
“Yes!” cheered Darcy.
“My room is that way,” answered Tony, lips firmly reattaching themselves to Erik again.
“No!” groaned Darcy, but Tony was not paying attention.
He had Erik back!
All part of his master plan from the beginning.
He was a genius.