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“Ah,” said Thor, smiling broadly as the ship filled with Aesir refugees started to make its descent. “Midgard. It truly has been too long.”
“May I state, once more for the record, what a terrible idea this is?” asked Loki, arms crossed as he stood beside his brother. “They are already going to not be ecstatic about giving us refuge, without you bringing along the man who caused the Invasion that killed countless of their people.”
“You killed like 70 people while mind controlled; me and Tony accidentally helped build a murderbot that nearly levelled an entire city and everyone inside it,” said Bruce, expression twisted in a slight grimace. “And we are the supposed heroes.”
“Yes, that does not say good things about this planet,” agreed Loki, smirking slightly when Bruce rolled his eyes.
“And what truly matters, is that the people of this planet adore me,” said Thor, nodding proudly. “I am the most popular Avenger.”
“You’re not. Tony is the most popular Avenger,” informed him Bruce. “He has the most followers on Instagram, last I checked.”
“The most good looking.”
“Most Avengers fans are heterosexual males and, unfortunately for you, you are not Natasha Romanoff.”
“The favourite Avenger?”
“Toss up between Clint, for being the relatable one, and Steve, for being the original superhero.”
Thor pouted slightly. “Then what am I?”
Bruce looked at him critically. “The one with the longest hair? Well, not anymore, but-”
“Your Majesty,” said Heimdall, looking outside of the window as they got closer and closer to the coordinates they had received from the Midgardian satellite by the name of Veronica. “Did you not say that you were universally beloved by the people of Midgard?”
Thor looked at him with a frown. “Indeed I did, and indeed I am. Why?”
“My ability to read Midgardian is a bit rusty, but...” he started, motioning to where a rather large message was written over the Compound in fancy holographic letters.
A message spelling out: WELCOME HOME, CHEATER.
And under it, in only slightly smaller letters: THIS IS AIMED AT THOR, BY THE WAY.
“Uhm,” said Thor, blinking at the message. “Is this possibly aimed at a different Thor.”
“Somehow I doubt that,” drawled Loki, appearing vaguely amused. “What did you do, brother?”
“I... don’t recall? Me and Jane have not been together for a number of years now, and last I know she did not reside at the Compound. I can’t think of anyone I could have cheated on, or anyone who would write such a message?”
“Really?” asked Bruce, and when they turned to him, his expression was both fond, amused and slightly pained. “Because I can think of one person who would absolutely go this far.”
+++
Tony watched impassively as the large spaceship landed in front of the Compound from where he stood beside Rhodey and Carol. Vision was standing a little behind him, because while Tony had told him to stay inside, there was little he could do to stop an excited child from phasing through the walls.
Tony had tried to sit on him to stop him and Vision had phased right through his body (it had been the most horrifying experience he had had to date).
“Are you going to take off the LED show anytime soon?” asked him Carol, looking away from the ship to Tony, appearing unimpressed. “Considering the panic the Accords Council descended in when they saw the ship, it will be a matter of maybe an hour or two before they arrive. You should remove this thing before they get here.”
“No,” answered Tony. “I want him to face the consequences of his actions.”
“What actions?” asked Rhodey, sighing. “Tony, Thor did not cheat on you.”
Tony scowled at him. “You are my best friend, how dare you take his side?”
“Tony, Thor did not cheat on you because Thor was not with you to begin with!” said the other, the expression on his face saying that he had had this same argument a lot of times already, with very little response.
Carol stared in disbelief. “Wait. You’re saying that all this, and they weren’t even dating to begin with?”
“We had an understanding,” explained Tony, nodding solemnly. “And both of you stay out of the drama between a man and his baby mama.”
Carol squinted at him in confusion. “Thor is your baby mama?”
“No,” answered Tony, patiently despite himself. “I’m Thor’s baby mama.”
“How in the fuck-”
“You don’t want to know,” interrupted Rhodey, as the door of the spaceship opened.
Tony’s lips pursed further as the cheater, his cheating assistant, and a hot woman dressed in white and blue stepped out of the ship, the woman looking drunk while her companions looked confused one, and amused the second.
“Tony,” said the midwife turned cheating assistant, once they stopped in front of him. Tony could not believe that he had trusted this man to deliver his baby and then he had gone ahead and ran away with Tony’s baby daddy. Wasn’t there a saying about science bros before space hoes? “Rhodey. Vision. And new person. Hi.”
“Hey, Bruce,” said Rhodey, when Tony just kept glaring at him, Vision waving distractedly from behind Tony.
“So, who did Thor cheat on?” asked the drunk lady, glancing at all four of them in turn. She paused on Tony, and immediately pointed. “It’s you, isn’t it? You look like a very upset wife witnessing the return of her wayward husband.”
Bruce sighed, while Thor looked at him in surprise. “Friend Tony? I cheated on you?”
Tony simply glared. If looks could have killed, Thor would have been dead already.
Thor looked around him uncertainly, as if looking for help. “Uh... I wasn’t... aware that we were together? Unless I’m understanding Midgardian idioms incorrectly, and I have somehow managed to cheat on a... friendship?”
“Our friendship was over the second you got me pregnant,” answered him Tony, and Rhodey groaned as Bruce choked, the drunk woman gasping beside Thor, who was just gaping.
“I am sorry, when I did what?”
“Don’t listen to him, he’s-”
“I mean,” said Tony, glaring fiercely. “You could have at least told me before I was left alone raising a newborn. But no, you couldn’t even do that. We go to Barton’s, and I understand that that’s when the baby fever kicked in. But what I cannot stand for is the fact that you just abandon your loving new family and your newborn-”
“Someone please make him stop-”
Thor was looking around for help that was not forthcoming, the drunk woman looking more and more appalled the more Tony spoke while Bruce was just blinking in clear dizziness and confusion. “To chase after some green rage dick - or was it Bruce that you were chasing? Was it my science bro who lured away from your own flesh and blood with his science talk about ion fusion and physics?!”
“I understand those words separately,” said Thor, looking vaguely lost. “What newborn do you speak of?”
Tony, Rhodey and the drunk lady all gasped, Vision staring at Thor in shock.
“You don’t... remember me?” asked the synthezoid, finally speaking up from behind Tony.
Thor looked at him in confusion before his eyes widened in realisation.
Too late, though, as Tony had already launched himself at Thor, smacking him in the face with his gauntleted hand. “HOW DARE YOU NOT RECOGNISE YOUR OWN CHILD! YOU CHEATING BASTARD-”
“SOMEONE HOLD HIM BACK!”
“LET ME GO, I’LL SHOW HIM!”
“GET HIM!”
“VALKYRIE THIS IS NOT THE TIME!”
“Loki!” called out Thor, looking up hopefully as his brother walked back inside the room with Heimdall. “So?”
It had taken the new woman and Bruce together, in the end, to stop friend Tony from attempting to harm him beyond repair. Vision had already fled the scene, much to Thor’s deep regret, and friend Tony’s eyes had promised him painful retribution as the powerful blonde woman had dragged him away.
Friend Rhodey had also been very unimpressed with him, but he had pushed away his personal feelings long enough to hear him out regarding what had happened to Asgard and what they were seeking.
In the end, however, while friend Rhodey and the new woman (Carol) were the new leaders of the Avengers, something like this was better discussed with friend Tony.
And friend Tony did not want to speak to him, which made Thor feel absolutely awful.
Thor had not forgotten Vision, of course. He knew he had had a hand in creating the odd looking being.
But he had not realised that Vision saw himself as Thorson, or that friend Tony saw himself as his mother.
Thor would not lie to anyone and claim he had never fantasized about having a more... intimate relationship with friend Tony. Of course he had.
The first thing the man had done was try to kill him and then utilized Thor’s own lightning against him. That had been incredibly arousing even when he had been with Jane.
And then he had met him outside his armour and he had looked prettier than any of the court ladies Thor had entertained back in his youth, and more handsome than any of the ripped shieldbrothers he had enjoyed the company of in many campaigns.
But Thor had been with the fair Jane back then, and friend Tony with the beautiful Lady Pepper, so he had kept himself in check.
And now he returned to find out that friend Tony believed him to have abandoned him and their child for friend Bruce (Thor would have never!), and that was just all around terrible.
Loki looked at him in disappointment, as did Heimdall. “I can’t believe you left your family behind to chase after green rage dick and play around in space!” said his brother, arms crossed around his chest. “You had a newborn back on Midgard! Thor how could you cheat on Anthony like this?”
“Anthony?” he asked, a little perplexed.
“Yes, we became friends,” said Loki, smiling. “And he said I can call him that if I so please.”
“You threw him out of a window!” complained Thor, trying to tell himself that he was not at all jealous. The one time he had tried to call him Anthony, Tony had stabbed him in the thigh. He had claimed it had been on accident, but that attack had been too quick and precise for Thor to believe it (it had made his heart flutter. Another attempt at his life, how adorable).
Loki shot him a look. “But I did not leave him to deal with a newborn, a team of backstabbers among which was a cradle robber trying to flirt with his son now, did I? Mere days after giving birth, too. Mother must have been cursing you from Valhalla for months now.”
Thor was pretty sure that friend Tony had never given birth or had been pregnant (or that Midgardian men were able to carry children) with Vision, but he did not believe it would be smart for him to point it out.
“I have committed several counts of treason for you, my King,” said Heimdall, shaking his head. “But even I can see that your actions were truly reprehensible. Also, unrelated, are you planning on leaving that child out of wedlock like the most nasty of the scum that used to live in the bowels of Asgard’s prisons or will you step up like a good King should, and make that truly attractive and clearly royal Midgardian our new Queen?”
“Soon,” decided Thor, standing up straight again. It was the right thing to do, and also something he had wanted to do for years, after all. Loki and Heimdall smiled proudly. Then he immediately deflated. “But how am I supposed to do this? He has clearly indicated that he hates me.”
“I believe I can help you,” came a voice, and everyone in the room jumped slightly as Darcy appeared out of nowhere beside him. She was holding hands with Valkyrie (???), and smiling brightly at him.
“Where the Hel did you come from?”
“That’s not important,” said Darcy, waving him off. “But if you want to seduce your way into Tony Stark’s heart and pants, I’m your girl.”
“Truly?” he asked, not unable to hide his slight disbelief at her words. While he did like the Lady Darcy, she wasn’t someone that Thor would normally trust regarding a relationship.
She waved Valkyrie’s hand in his face. “Valkyrie has been here for exactly 2 hours and we are already in a committed relationship.”
Thor gaped while the dark haired warrior nodded. “Indeed. The Lady Darcy is a most pleasing individual. And, to borrow a Midgardian turn of phrase she has taught me, her badonkas were not going to hold themselves up.”
Thor had no idea what a ‘badonkas’ was, but friend Bruce, who had just walked in, choked and walked out of the room again.
So it could only be a good thing.
He nodded surely at Darcy. “I accept.”
Thor stood up immediately when he saw friend Tony walking out of the room he had been in with Heimdall and the ‘Accord Council’. Thor did not really know who they were, but from what Loki had explained they were like the Advisors of the All-Father back in the day. Annoying but necessary, to maintain order.
Friend Rhodey had appeared rather surprised when Thor had grasped the need for them despite his dislike for bureaucracy (apparently his fellow Avengers hadn’t, which Thor was just rather perplexed about), but it just made sense for Thor, and the rest of the Aesir.
It had gone a long way in making the Accords people decide to not immediately send the Aesir refugees away. They had yet to break the ‘Loki is also here’ bomb, but friend Rhodey said it was better to wait for them to have a certain home before doing that.
“Friend Tony!” he called out, rushing hopefully towards the man.
Friend Tony looked up at his name being called, and then scowled when Thor appeared in front of him.
Thor did not allow for that to curb his enthusiasm in the slightest, thrusting the flowers he had gotten for him in his face.
“People love flowers,” told him the lady Darcy. “Cosmopolitan will tell you that only ladies love flowers, but that’s a lie: everyone loves getting flowers. It’s cute and just makes you feel special and loved. You can never go wrong with them.”
Friend Tony appeared a little startled, glancing down at the flowers in Thor’s hands with some surprise.
Heimdall showed him a thumbs up.
“Thor,” then said friend Tony, tone of voice very far from happy. When he looked back up at him, he was scowling.
Heimdall showed him a thumbs down.
“Tell me you did not get this flowers from Vision’s garden outside. Tell me that it’s just a coincidence that these looks exactly like the dahlias that took Vision months to grow and that if I go outside I won’t see my baby’s garden in ruins.”
Thor swallowed nervously. “It’s not... in ruins?”
Darcy had just told him to get flowers, she had not really explained to him where to get the flowers and what places he should not get them from!
How was Thor supposed to know that it was Vision’s garden?! Or that Vision had a garden?
“I could kill you!” informed him friend Tony, pulling out his phone as he rushed outside. Leaving Thor holding the flowers in his hands like an idiot.
Heimdall patted his shoulder. “I’m sorry, my King. Do you give up? You should give up.”
“No, of course not,” said Thor, looking at him with a frown. "I thought you were rooting for our union?"
"I was, but then he threatened several members of this 'Accords Council' when they tried to imply we should be 'tagged' and 'numbered' and told me my eyes were 'creepily hot'."
"Understandable," said Thor smiling affably and patting his shoulder. "Still, you ever imply that you are interested in pursuing a relationship with my dear Tony and I shall have you beheaded."
Heimdall nodded, sighing. "It was worth a try."
“Yeah, no shit, Thor! You were meant to go to the florist’s and get flowers that the internet says are associated with Geminis, not ruin Vision’s garden!”
“How was I supposed to know?!”
“A non deadbeat father would have known,” told him Darcy, then continuing before he could argue or ask clarification as to what ‘deadbeat’ meant. Thor was both alive and undefeated. “Try chocolates. I know for a fact that even though he doesn’t have a sweet tooth, even Tony Stark likes chocolate. Really, everyone likes chocolate. Can’t go wrong with them.”
Thor carefully hid himself behind the newspaper he had appropriated, trying to not appear as if he was watching as Tony, two youths he did not recognise and a number of New Avengers walked inside of the common room.
Friend Tony harrumphed looking in his general direction, and Thor hid himself better behind the newspaper. When he heard no screaming he relaxed slightly, glad that his ingenious hiding method had managed to hide him.
And Loki called him stupid and unsubtle.
“What are you doing?”
“Norns!” nearly screamed Thor, whipping his head around to look at Vision, who was standing behind him and looking at him with confusion. “You scared me, Vision.”
“My apologies,” said Vision, a little stiffly. “I was just enquiring as to why you were reading the newspaper upside down.”
“I-” started Thor, wrecking his brain for an excuse when he heard a delighted sound from the corner of the room where he had put the chocolate.
“Oh, I love chocolate,” said one of the youths, and Thor could only watch in horror as he grabbed one from the box and popped it in his mouth. “Nuts! Delicious.”
“You guys go ahead,” said friend Tony, waving them off and throwing away the wrapping paper (the wrapping where Thor had put his very heartfelt message of apology to him, he noted with a stifled groan) without looking at it. “I’m still on diet, cannot go around eating chocolates and getting fatter.”
“You’re not fat,” said Prince T’Challa, a Midgardian prince who was now a member of the New Avengers. “You are in a perfect form and look as beautiful as ever.”
“Oh, you flatterer,” said friend Tony, batting his eyelashes, and Thor could only look with appalment as he put a piece of chocolate in the man’s mouth and then pressed a kiss against his cheek. “Keep it up, and I might let you take me to dinner.”
“That’s the goal-” started Prince T’Challa, before looking up startled at the sound of paper ripping.
Thor simply cleared his throat, standing up and pretending that the sound of thunder outside had nothing to do with him. “Excuse me, please.”
(If there was a thunderstorm localised over the Compound for over 5 hours after that and the Wakandan jet was struck by lightning several times over, only Loki bothered bringing it up)
“Yeah, when I said everyone loves chocolate, I did mean everyone loves chocolate,” said Darcy sighing slightly. “How are you failing this bad, Thor? Don’t answer that. Do you remember that movie I showed you back when you were trying to apologise to Jane? Unrelated, you do tend to apologise a lot to your significant others. Thor, why are you such a bad boyfriend? Don’t answer that either.
“But I mean that one scene in Say Anything where Lloyd is apologising to Diane with a boombox?”
Thor had originally intended to do as the Lloyd fellow had but, unfortunately, there was no such thing as a boombox anywhere in the Compound. He had attempted to use the lady Darcy’s Ipod, but unfortunately the object was not as loud as Thor needed it to be.
So he had researched a bit more on the Midgardian practice of ‘serenading’ and now he knew exactly what he should do next.
Which was why he was standing outside the Compound directly in front of where FRIDAY had told him friend Tony’s window to be.
He took a deep breath, looking at the window and then he started.
“Oh Tony... Oh beloved Tony! Most charming man in the Nine Realms! With the beauty of Aphrodite, Hermes’ wit and Hephaestus’ talents! Oh most alluring man on Midgard, who beguiled me and enchanted me at first sight! My fair prince in the Tower, oh Tony, my Tony!”
By the time Thor got to the end of the first chorus of his self created song, many windows of the Compound were open, but not Tony’s. The youths (who he had now learned were called Harley and Peter) were giggling and filming him on their Midgardian phones, while Loki stood in the window beside theirs wiping his eyes in clear emotion, and Carol and Rhodey stared at him in open mouthed shock.
He took a deep breath, ready to launch into the next verse when he felt a soft tap at his shoulder.
“Vision,” he said, a little surprised at seeing the being next to him. While he wasn’t exactly avoiding him, Thor did not see him around that often. Which he would rectify as soon as he had managed to apologise to friend Tony. “Uh, I am in the middle of attempting to win your mother over. My son.”
“I can see you are... attempting to do just that,” agreed Vision. “However, I think you might benefit from knowing that Tony is not currently at the Compound.”
Thor blinked at him. “He’s not... at the Compound?”
“No, he is out for dinner with Prince T’Challa, I believe.”
Thor’s eye twitched. “So I have been singing at an empty window and several of our shieldbrother and sisters for... nothing?”
“Yes.”
“I see,” he said, pretending that he was not blushing. “I shall... return soon.”
“Bye-bye.”
(Thor did not think that Prince T’Challa believed him when he said that smashing his jet had been an accident, upon his return, but he had managed to bribe FRIDAY, so there was no footage or proof to indicate otherwise)
“Thor, how do you fuck up one of the most iconic and romantic scenes of the late 80s? It’s physically impossible to lose with the boombox, how did you manage that?!”
“He wasn’t home.”
“... Okay, you’re clearly the unluckiest himbo in this fucked up bitch of a rotating space rock.”
“I understood those words separately.”
“As expected of a true himbo. Okay, let’s see. One thing we can all agree on is that Tony Stark loves sex. So how about you try to seduce your way into his pants first?”
“That is a fantastic idea!”
“Yeah. Basically what you should do-”
“No, don’t worry. I know exactly what to do.”
“But Thor-”
“Thank you for the advice, Lady Darcy!”
“... After all the help I’ve offered, I totally deserve in that inheritance, to be honest.”
Thor was very keenly aware of friend Tony’s promiscuous nature.
It was one of the first thing the man had identified himself as, after all, when no-longer-friend Steven had asked him what he was without the suit: scholar, noble, promiscuous and benefactor.
He did not mind. He was Aesir, and sex and battle had always been part of Aesir culture.
He was also aware that he too was a rather handsome fellow. He had seduced aplenty, before his brief relations with the Lady Jane, and he knew that friend Tony did find him pleasing to the eye too, if his expression the few times he had accidentally seen him naked was anything to go by (it took Thor a while, when he first arrived in Midgard, to understand that sitting around naked was not an approved pastime here on Midgard).
Still, he could not help his pleased smile when he walked into the Compound gym in a ‘tanktop’ and friend Tony, who was already there with friend Rhodey and others irrelevant members of the team, immediately turned to look at him in appreciation.
Score.
And now, for the seduction.
+++
“How could you have possibly failed to seduce Tony Stark?” demanded Darcy, the second he stepped back into the other common room.
Thor glared at her, though he was too depressed for it to even work. “I put the best show of my life, moves that have been known to enthral any soldier and court lady who has witnessed them before and he did not even look up from his mobile device,” he complained, sighing loudly as he sat down on the couch beside her.
“Where there other people who could have distracted him or something? Thor, seduction is usually better one on one, you know.”
He frowned at her. “How am I supposed to showcase my fighting prowess if it is just the two of us?”
“Fighting prowess?” said Darcy, gaping at him. “Didn’t I tell you to seduce him?”
“Yeah,” agreed Thor, he too looking at her in confusion. “Which is what I did.”
Darcy took a deep breath, pulling out her most formidable weapon and pointing at him threatingly. He took a discreet step away from her. “Thor,” she started, seeming to be invoking patience. “How exactly did you try to seduce Tony?”
“I showcased my fighting prowess,” he answered. “I showed up in this flimsy clothing you adviced and then proceeded to best several foes, among which that insolent prince T’Challa, in front of him. The proper way to- ah!” he gasped the last part, darting away from her mighty weapon. “Why do you attack me!”
“In what world is beating up others a way of seducing people?!” she demanded, still holding her weapon threatingly.
“Asgard,” he answered, completely seriously. “I have managed to get several people to bed me simply by demonstrating that I was the strongest warrior around. Sometimes, even the people I bested.”
Darcy stared at him for a few more seconds, before throwing her arms in the air. “You know what? I quit!”
“What? No, you cannot-”
“You, Norse god of deadbeat parents and failed romantic advances are a terrible stain in my record as matchmaker,” she said, shaking her finger in his face and making him a little dizzy. “I quit! I’m going to make Valkyrie fuck me till I forget I have ever met you, and when I get back I want one million dollars for my troubles.”
“I don’t have any Midgardian money.”
“Then I want an entire basketful of those amazing muffins only you know how to make.”
“That can be arranged,” agreed Thor, smiling slightly as Darcy pointed two fingers at her eyes then at him before walking away.
It seemed as if he might never truly be able to gain Tony’s affections ever again and he couldn’t deny that hurt. Most likely, it would end up with Loki manage to charm his way into his beloved's heart and bed, and then Thor would have to murder his own brother and make Tony further mad at him.
Truly, there was no upside in this entire situation, he couldn’t help but think as he moved towards the kitchen.
Where he found Vision already there, a book opened in front of him that he was studying with a deep frown on his face.
Yet another person he had wronged and had not yet made amends to, he thought, forcing a slightly awkward smile on his face as he turned to look at him.
“Vision. My son. Hello.”
“Hello... Thor,” finished Vision and Thor grimaced slightly. He had heard Vision refer to friend Tony as Tony before, so he knew it was not personal, but still.
“Look, Vision,” he said, sighing slightly. “I shall be honest that back then during the Ultron debacle I was a little more scatter brained and oafish than usual. I believe some of it had to do with the Scarlet Witch’s dreadful magic. I had of course not forgotten about you, while I was in space. But somehow I never realised that you considered me, personally, your father. There were so many people who had helped with your creation, that I never thought... but I should have.” Vision kept staring at him blankly, and if he squinted, Thor could see Mother’s eyes in him. As well as Father’s (and his) thick head. He truly was his son. “And for that I apologise.”
“That’s... that’s okay.”
“It is not,” said Thor, shaking his head decidedly. “It was a most dishonourable act of mine. Even if I did not know your feelings regarding me, I still had a hand in creating you. I should have at least spoken to you before leaving you.”
“And Tony.”
“And Tony,” agreed Thor, grimacing. But now was not the time to let the maudlin thoughts remain. He focused on the various objects around the kitchen, attempting to make sense of their order. “Are you perchance cooking?”
Vision nodded, still looking at him dubiously. “Indeed. I have been learning how to bake. Tony always lies and says that everything I make is good even when it gives him food poisoning, so it has been a slow endeavour.”
“I could aid you, if you would like?” offered Thor, a little hopefully. “I am a rather adept baker, according to the Lady Darcy, and she has stated that she’d like to sample my food in repayment for services rendered.”
For the first time, Vision looked at him a little hopefully. “Really?”
Thor beamed at him. “But of course! It will be truly enjoyable.”
Vision smiled back.
+++
“Someone looks happy,” said Tony, smirking as he fell into step with Darcy.
“I don’t know what exactly I did to earn Valkyrie and her fingers in my life but thank you god, amen,” she answered, making him snort.
“I still don’t understand how you two managed to get together that fast,” he said, pouting slightly as they moved towards the kitchen. “Very unfair, if I do say so myself. Some of us have been waiting for years for our Asgardians favourites to make a move.”
Tony had had his eyes on Thor since the first time he had met the human beefcake. Since the second he had patted those beefy arms the first time, he had daydreamed about him throwing him over his shoulder and just do wicked alien probing to him.
But he was not a homewrecker so, while he had flirted a lot with space Ken Doll, after breaking up with Pepper, it had been more like checking the sturdiness of said home, not trying to break up him and Jane.
But then he had broken up with Jane, left Tony with a newborn and ran off to space with Bruce (who was also doing his best to apologise, but Tony had decided to make him sweat for it a bit more). And when he had come back, instead of apologising, he had had the gall of not recognising his own son.
Unbelievable.
Even Rhodey had been incredibly offended on Tony and Viz’s sake, while Carol had had the audacity to say that they were all overreacting.
(Of course she'd say that, she was also a deadbeat mom who had abandoned her family to 'save the universe'. Tony and Maria Rambeau habitually texted to complained about significant others who never put a ring on it and fucked off to space instead)
(Tony hadn't said that out loud, though. Carol was scary)
But Tony was now done with space dick. To quote the other cool TS, he was never ever getting back together with-
His brain came to a screeching halt as he looked into the kitchen to find Thor and Vision standing side by side there.
They were both working on... something, Thor jovially explaining to Vision his process while his baby synthezoid was smiling and looking absolutely ecstatic at the attention.
“Careful, though,” was saying Thor, taking a knife from Vision’s hands. “I have found it is better to use a spoon for the frosting. I know your Midgardian text claims otherwise, but sometimes they lie. It is a very baffling attitude, because they want to appear more ‘professional’ by complicating matters more than they need to. I’ll never understand it.”
“That makes sense,” agreed Vision, still smiling. “Thank you, Thor. This is very helpful.”
Thor chuckled, waving him off. “No worries. Now go ahead and wait while I put these in the oven. I do not understand your Vibranium skin, but you could still harm yourself.”
Oh my god, Tony was about to scream. Or cry. Or both.
“Oh, they're not ready?” questioned Darcy with a pout, bringing Vision and Thor’s attention to them. Thor looked vaguely startled, while Vision beamed at Tony.
“We are making cupcakes,” he informed him, floating towards him. “Thor helped me, this time around. Would you like to try them once they are ready?”
“Of course,” answered Tony, smiling back at him and patting his cheek. “I’m sure they're going to be awesome.”
Vision’s eyes narrowed slightly. “Will you be honest about the taste, this time around?”
Tony gasped, putting a hand on his chest. “I’m always honest about your cooking.”
Vision’s hit him with a flat eyed expression he had clearly inherited from Thor’s side of the family, quite possibly Loki. “Sure. I am going to find Colonel Rhodey for a possible second opinion.”
Normally Tony would have spoken up about the disrespect, but it worked well enough for him to have Vision leave now.
He waited for him to disappear through the wall (the stubbornness, penchant for drama and refusal to act normal was also a clear Aesir inherited trait), before he turned to Thor, who was looking a little nervous in the kitchen.
“Er-” started the Norse god, as Tony moved towards him in quick steps. He looked a little panicked, but he still automatically caught Tony when he leaped at him, holding him up with two hands under his ass. “Friend Tony?”
Tony grinned at him. “That was the sweetest thing I have ever seen! You and Vision were bonding!”
“What.”
“Indeed,” said Thor, smiling slightly and ignoring Darcy. “I offered my apologies for the way I have acted in the past and, when I saw that we shared interests, saw a chance to further grow our-”
Tony did not let him finish, pulling his face closer to his so he could kiss him.
Thor wasted no time in kissing him back just as enthusiastically and fiercely, keeping him up with one hand (oh Tony was about to die, how could Thor be so strong? It was so fucking hot), while the other hand went to his hair.
Tony leant back after a second or two, breathing a little faster than normal. “If you ever hurt Vision or cheat on me again, I will kill you and cut off your dick.”
Thor whimpered (... okay, sure, a ‘being threatened’ kink. Why the fuck not). “You are so lovely,” he told him, kissing him again. “Marry me.”
“Woah, woah, woah-” started Darcy, but Tony ignored her.
“I’ve always wanted to be someone’s househusband, yes please!” Thor beamed. “But since I don’t have a father, you’re going to have to ask Rhodey for my hand.” Thor blanched. “Now back to nearly fucking me on the kitchen counter, please.”
“I can’t do that, Vision is working on this counter,” said Thor, and now it was Tony’s turn to moan.
“I love me a good father,” he informed him, biting his lower lip before wiggling out of Thor’s hold. “Find me after you’ve finished helping our son baking, King Thor.”
“You do not play fair, beloved,” complained Thor, watching hungrily as he strutted away.
Tony just winked at him, sending him another kiss. “You know where to find me.”
“I don’t know what the fuck just happened,” said Darcy, looking at them a little baffled as he walked away. “But I guess we all won and congrats on your engagement, I guess.”
He was engaged!
Yay!