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Family dinners were a rare occurrence within Wayne Manor.
With such a large group of heroes (and their badass butler) making up the household, getting everyone in the same place at the same time was a challenge. A challenge that only one Richard ‘Dick’ Grayson could complete with flying colours.
While many assumed Alfred took up the role, Dick was the glittery superglue that kept the Batclan together. As such, it was fitting that the bats would flock together on his command. Even if some of them weren’t overly pleased to do so.
Steph and Cass were watching a cartoon in the sitting room, Spoiler petting Titus half-mindedly. Babs was in the dining room with Tim, helping him hack into a secure government system before Alfred could demand that technology be put away.
Kate - Bruce’s cousin, aka Batwoman - was leaning against the hallway’s ancient wine cabinet, glass in hand. She was drinking a bottle of red worth about the equivalent of a weeks paycheck.
Dick, Duke, and Alfred were in the kitchen, the latter two putting the finishing touches onto the dishes while Dick made awful puns.
Eventually, Alfred decided that enough was enough. “Master Dick, would you be so kind as to go retrieve Master Bruce, Master Jason, and Master Damian?”
“Of course, Alfie,” Dick practically beamed, “I’ll have the girls head to the dining room with Tim and Babs while I’m at it.”
Duke snickered once Dick had fluttered out of hearing range.
It was pretty easy to find Cass, Steph, and Kate, but finding the two Waynes and one Todd proved more difficult. That was until Dick headed down to the Batcave, where all three were almost immediately within sight.
Bruce was the closest to the entrance, sitting in front of the Batcomputer. He had a full glass of bourbon to his left - barely touched. He seemed to be going over some old case files, eyes focused heavily on the screen.
Dick bounded over silently, wrapping his arms around his lover’s shoulders. He placed a light kiss on Batman’s cheek, nuzzling his neck. “It’s time for dinner, B. Finish up while I grab the boys.”
“Hnn,” Bruce replied, nodding.
Nightwing headed over to Damian next, who was within the training room - jabbing and swinging around his sword in a silent, deadly manner. Only a few feet to his left lay Jason, lifting weights of more than his body mass. Their close positioning meant that both of the younger heroes stopped when Dick padded to a stop.
“Dami, Jaybird - dinner’s ready!” Dick informed them, smiling cheerily. “Wash up and come upstairs. If you want to get a piece of Alfie’s roast, I really wouldn’t dilly-dally. Not with Kate here.”
Placing down his sword, Damian nodded wordlessly while Jason let out an exasperated huff - standing up.
Batman walked over while Jason stalked off, dramatically throwing his brown coat on the floor. If Alfred had been present, Jason wouldn’t have dared to discard his jacket so blatantly.
As he came to a stop, Bruce leaned in, attempting to lock Dick’s lips in a tight embrace, uncaring of Damian’s presence. Usually, Dick would have happily excepted a kiss, but Bruce found himself being pushed away.
“Christ, B! You smell like old files and motor oil - you better wash up, too. How didn’t I smell that before,” Dick gagged, shaking his head in an attempt to ward off the scent.
Bruce merely smirked, pulling Dick into his arms without much fight. He stole a kiss from his protege-turned-boyfriend, then moved away before Dick could swat him off, already heading towards the Batcave’s shower room.
In the distance, the dramatic screeching of Jason attempting to sing Bohemian Rhapsody in the shower could be heard. Dick winced; he would hate to be Bruce right about now.
He left quickly after that, not noticing the visible rage spreading across Damian’s face.
—————
As always, the Wayne family dinner wasn’t going so well.
“Jason, would you please stop attempting to smoulder off into the distance like some half-baked Disney prince?!” Tim practically begged, throwing a butter dinner role at Jason.
Jason caught the dinner role in his mouth, taking a bite before replying. “I’m not attempting to do anything, replacement. My smoulder is fully developed. Men and women alike fall to my feet. Duke, Kate - you agree, right?”
Kate swirled the wine around her glass. “I’m a lesbian, Jason. But even if I weren’t, that constipated look you’re making is attracting no one.”
“Kate’s right, dude,” Duke agreed, getting a gasp of betrayal from Jason.
Jason jumped to his feet, slamming his fist onto the table. “Now listen here, you three bitch-”
“Sit down at once, Master Jason,” Alfred demanded, interrupting Red Hood. “And mind your language!”
Barbra was sitting to Alfred’s left, providing moral support to the butler in the form of a poorly considered middle finger towards Jason.
Cassandra was eating in silence at the end of the table, right hand clasped with Steph’s left one. Stephenie, on the other hand, was loudly making Vine references about the ‘smoulder’ argument.
Damian was also silent, sitting across from Bruce and Dick. The twelve-year-old was glaring daggers at Bruce’s left hand, which was thoughtlessly placed rather high up on Dick’s thigh. A combination of anger and annoyance lingered in his eyes, but neither Bruce nor Dick took notice.
They might have been a mess of a family, but they were the Batfamily regardless.
As the fight continued, Bruce wordlessly creased Dick’s chin, making the twenty-three-year-old turn to him with a smile. Dick leant in, eyes full of heat as their lips pressed together.
The kiss soon turned into a lustful make out, catching the attention of the rest of the table. Tim, Kate, and Babs rolled their eyes while Stephanie squealed loudly, cupping her face between her hands.
Cass was staring at her two parental figures, smiling brightly as she continued to eat. To her, it was just dinner with a show. Jason and Duke made gagging sounds in sync, both turning slightly green. Alfred, on the other hand, sighed deeply, internally begging for just one normal family dinner.
However, it was undoubtedly Damian who had the worst reaction. His knuckles were white, hands clenched forcefully around his cutlery. His teeth were grinding, and pure rage was splattered across his face.
Dick was breathless by the time he and Bruce parted lips. He smiled brightly at the usually stoic billionaire, face blushed ever so slightly.
“Pennyworth, Kate, how can you sit there and do nothing while Father sullies Grayson?” He angrily snarled at the butler are his father’s cousin, teeth clenched tightly.
As if replicating Jason’s previous anger, Damian slammed his fist onto the table with enough force to make everything shake. Robin looked ready to burst at this moment or tear Bruce’s head clean off.
Dick immediately turned red while Bruce’s face darkened visibly. It seemed as if he was finally putting the pieces together in his mental puzzle.
“Damian, put the knife down,” Bruce growled out, noting the tension around its handle. The last thing he was red was a knife in the chest if Damian further lost his cool.
“Calm down, little bat. I’m pretty sure the only sullying occurs within their bedroom,” Kate replied, snickering.
Steph and Babs replied instantly and identically, as if they had some sort of mental link. “And the Batcave.”
“He’s tainting MY Grayson! Mine!” Damian practically snarled, slamming his fists down once more.
This came as a surprise to every single person present.
Tim, Jason, and Duke immediately began cackling, with only Tim attempting to hide his laughter.
“The bat brat as a point there,” Jason agreed, wiping away a stray tear from laughing too hard. “Batsy has most certainly left Dickie-bird impure.”
“Master Jason!” Alfred scolded before turning to Damian. “Master Damian, that is enough. You need to calm down at once.”
Kate abandoned her wine glass, grabbing for the bottle instead. No amount of alcohol could make whatever ‘this’ was okay.
Steph, Babs, and Cass were all gaping, highly entertained by this new development.
“Your Grayson,” Bruce practically growled, absentmindedly tugging Dick closer. “He might have been your Batman briefly, but Richard is mine first and foremost.”
“B!” Dick hissed. “You’re really not helping!”
Enraged by this response, Damian shot to his feet. “He is my beloved!”
At this very moment, everyone other than Alfred, Bruce, Dick, and Damian were glad that the dining room had a security camera. They were never going to let Damian live this down.
“Dick is not, nor has he ever been your property. How dare you!” The caped crusader spat.
“Bruce, Damian - calm down right now. I’m warning you,” Dick half begged, attempting to soothe the fighting father and son. It wasn’t working. At all.
“He’s not yours either, Father. I don’t see whatever mother ever saw in you. You are nothing but a swine! A filthy scoundrel! Get your dirty hands off of my Grayson,” Damian roared.
Bruce scoffed at this. “The difference between us is that I’m dating him, and you’re not, Damian.”
“I… I… You don’t deserve him!” The youngest bat retorted,
“Enough!” Dick lashed out, jumping out of Bruce’s arms and to his feet.
While Bruce didn’t need to be held back, Damian looked ready to pounce. As such, Duke and Jason were now beside him, keeping the assassin-raised hero in check.
“Let me go, you daft bastards! Father has been coaxing my beloved for far too long! It ends here!” Damian cried.
“Jesus Christ, demon spawn,” Tim snickered, taking a bite of a roast potato. “You sure know how to fall for taken men.”
Damian snapped his head towards Red Robin. “Don’t you dare ridicule me, Drake! I know about those photos of Grayson that you and the Titans used to practically drool over!”
“I… we… we didn’t….” Tim mumbled, too shocked to form a proper sentence. He quickly turned to Dick, panicking and eyes practically dripping with apologies. “I swear, it was a long time ago! I haven’t even seen those pictures in like a month!”
“A MONTH?!” Dick cried in response, horrified.
Jason cackled once more at this, catching Damian’s attention, too. “And you, Todd! Don’t think I haven’t seen the security footage from your pre-death bedroom! The number of times you moaned Grayson’s name is disturbing!”
Jason didn’t even look embarrassed, merely shrugging. Bruce was visibly pissed.
“Oh my gods, Damian!” Dick yelped. “Could you please just shut up? This is so embarrassing! I don’t want to know any of this! You’re like my brothers - my kids even!”
“TT,” Damian replied, straightening up and crossing his arms. “There is no need for humiliation. You are very attract-”
“Lalala,” Dick interrupted, covering his ears and turning towards the door. “I’m done. GOODNIGHT!”
And with that, Dick was gone.
No, Wayne family dinners never turned out well.