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it’s getting harder.
it’s getting harder pretending to love every part of himself.
he’s staying with tubbo for months, and hiding this hatred for himself is getting hard.
tubbo doesn’t seem to notice. which is good. ranboo doesn’t want tubbo to notice.
keeping on a happy face when he was across the ocean was much, much easier. he doesn’t know how to tell tubbo.
he should tell him. it’s only building a wall between them if he doesn’t. tubbo would understand, right?
ranboo has had his fair share of comforting tubbo when he felt like he wasn’t enough. when tubbo felt like the world was closing in on him.
so he would understand. but getting to the actual ‘telling him’ part is what he’s bad at.
what would he even say?
‘hey tubbo! i absolutely hate my face, and pretending that i don’t is really getting to me. i don’t know how much longer i can go without breaking down at night and sobbing into my pillow’?
no… no that doesn’t sound right.
now that ranboo has hit 5 million on youtube, his face reveal is slowly creeping up behind him. his fans are waiting, and tubbo keeps reminding him of that fact.
he can’t be mad at tubbo, tubbo doesn’t know.
ranboo really doesn’t think he can do a face reveal yet.
it’s too much, too soon.
he’s just a kid. a kid who just wanted to play minecraft and make people laugh. a kid who didn’t have to worry about people on the internet seeing his face because, pfft! when would he ever hit 5 million?
right now, it seems.
he wasn’t ready- isn’t ready, actually.
he only rose to fame in the past couple months. this was supposed to take years. years that he would use to get better. years he would use to learn to love himself.
he doesn’t have those years. not with everyone counting on him. not with everyone waiting for that stream that’s titled ‘FACE REVEAL!!!’.
ranboo even thought he was ready. he isn’t. but they say false confidence is better than no confidence.
no. he can’t do it. not right now, maybe not ever.
the stream is planned tomorrow.
he has to tell tubbo that he’s not ready. going in face first is never a good idea.
so here ranboo stands, in the kitchen. his hand is on the doorknob to the living area where tubbo is sitting on the couch, probably watching a stupid show.
tubbo seems weirdly excited for tomorrow. ranboo hates letting him down. but he isn’t ready, and he knows that.
ranboo slowly turns the knob, opening the door.
he ducks down to get into the doorway, very close to hitting the top of his head. he almost doesn’t fit, and tubbo liked to point that out a lot.
tubbo was sprawled out on the couch, head resting on the arm rest, one leg on top of the back of the couch. in his hands was the remote, he was fiddling with it.
he heard the door opening, so his head turned away from the television to look at ranboo.
tubbo smiled, “hey bossman,” he gave ranboo a joking once-over, “you’re looking mighty fine today.”
he really wasn’t. he had dark circles under his eyes from staying up last night, his hair was a mess, he was anxiously cracking his knuckles. he was wearing sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. nothing about how ranboo was looking could be described as ‘mighty fine’, but he brushed it off.
ranboo gave a soft, nervous chuckle and made his way to the couch.
he grabbed tubbos legs from where they were lying, replaced them with himself, and put tubbos legs in his lap.
tubbo had gone back to his show. ranboo didn’t notice that he started rubbing circles into tubbos ankles until tubbo kicked his stomach lightly, getting his attention.
he snapped his head to where tubbo was laying, only to see tubbos pretty face wracked in concern.
“what’s wrong?” he asked. he had skipped over the ‘are you okay?’ part. tubbo knows ranboos body language by heart at this point, he know that he isn’t okay.
no more being scared, ranboo decided, just let it out.
he took a deep breath, getting ready to jump into a whole essay about how he was regretting the plans for tomorrow, but the only thing that came out were two words. small and shaky.
“i’m scared,”
ranboo wasn’t making eye contact, he felt that once he looked at those eyes (that he would get lost in if it were any other scenario), he would start crying.
he can’t start crying in front of tubbo, at least not yet.
but those two words, no matter how small and shaky, got tubbos attention. he sat up slightly, resting his body on his elbows.
“about what?” it was a question, but tubbo already knew the answer, “the face reveal?”
all ranboo could give was a nod, barely even there. he still had tubbos legs in his lap, playing the the hem of the socks that he wore. he was pretty sure they were ranboos, they looked way to big to be tubbos own.
“why?”
when tubbo was trying to comfort someone, he turned into a man of little-to-no words, usually relying on physical affection to get by.
ranboo didn’t answer for a couple seconds, contemplating his words, tubbo waited. he always waited.
“i don’t like my face.” ranboo decided on, and it was the truth. the hard, blunt truth, “how can i show my face to thousands and thousands of people, if i look into a mirror, and just… hate what i see?”
a poke to tubbos ankle came every time ranboo wanted to emphasize something.
his vision was getting blurry. goddamnit, he was going to cry.
his ankles fell from ranboos lap, and tubbo was scooting towards ranboo. tubbo put his legs into criss-cross-apple-sauce, and took only one of ranboos hands into both of his.
tubbo usually marvelled at how much bigger ranboos hands were, but now didn’t seem like the time.
tubbo was rubbing patterns into ranboos knuckles, “if it, like- makes you feel any better, i really like your face.”
ranboo gave a huff of a laugh. tubbo scoffed, “i’m not joking! your face is my favourite face to look at.”
ranboo finally moved his head so that he could look at tubbo, he felt a tear run down the side of his cheek, “oh yeah? who’s your second favourite face?”
tubbo released ranboos hand to put it in only one of his, and used his free hand to swipe away the tear from his visage using his thumb.
tubbo smiled, not letting his hand drop from ranboos face, “yours. it’s always yours.”
ranboo grinned, he let his head drop to tubbos shoulder, burying his face into tubbos neck, he sniffed, “that doesn’t make any sense,”
tubbo laughed, keeping ranboos hand in his own, and using the other to run his fingers through blonde hair, “it makes perfect sense, you are the most beautiful man i’ve ever seen,”
the taller groaned, a blush creeping up around his face and ears.
tubbo giggled, pressing a kiss to ranboos hair, “so beautiful,”
he picked ranboos head from his shoulder, making ranboo make eye contact with him. another kiss, but this time on his forehead, “so handsome,”
another on one cheek,“gorgeous,”
one more on the other cheek, “absolutely stunning,”
ranboos face was completely flushed red at this point, embarrassed at all the different adjectives. tubbo placed the last kiss on his lips, elongating it to last a couple seconds, “so, so, so pretty,”
ranboo thought that he couldn’t get more red, but tubbo kept proving him wrong.
another long groan from ranboo, and his face (as red as a tomato) was placed back into the crook of tubbos neck.
“i’ll say it for as long as it takes for you to finally believe it, baby,” that part was said in a hushed tone, only for them to hear, even if they were the only ones in the room.
for a couple minutes, there was only silence, ranboo curled into tubbo, and tubbo playing with the taller’s hair again.
tubbo whispered, “you don’t have to do it tomorrow,” a small silence followed, but he wasn’t finished, “you don’t have to do it ever.”
ranboo slinked his arms around tubbos waist, squeezing in recognition.
“only when you’re ready, boo, only when you’re ready.”
that night, when ranboo climbed into bed with tubbo, immediately moving closer to the smaller, tucking him under his chin and tangling their legs together, he felt heard. he never felt that way when he was in america. so heard, so seen.
so what if he pushed back the face reveal stream a couple months (years), he finally felt that someone valued him, someone cared for him. he could not be more grateful to have someone like tubbo, so understanding and kind, in his life.