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It always amazed Rafael that he could be in a room full of people who held his same political ideals and beliefs, and yet he still found himself completely and utterly bored by them all. He also didn’t know why he hadn’t learned his lesson by now. It was so easy to donate these days, just a few clicks on his phone and the mayor would have his money without him having to suffer through yet another banal fundraiser.
But here he was, bed made, so he supposed he’d lie in it for a little while longer. At least there was an open bar.
He was making his way in that direction when he pulled up short. He’d recognize that lanky frame anywhere and here it was, elbows leaned on the bar, waiting on a drink order. Suddenly it felt like there was a golf ball in his throat.
Rafael could slink away - there was another bar across the room after all and Sonny hadn’t seen him yet - but, while he was a lot of things, he was not a coward. With all the nonchalance he could muster, he approached the bar.
He waited only a few seconds before Sonny clocked him out of his peripheral. “Rafael?”
“Oh, Sonny, hi,” he feigned surprise. “I didn’t expect to see you here.” That wasn’t a lie. Sonny had been his plus one to countless of these events, but it had always been Rafael’s name on the invitation.
“Yeah, well, apparently the Travers conviction garnered me an invite.”
“I read about that.” It had been impossible not to. The trial of one of TV’s biggest producers had Sonny’s name and photo on every front page. It had seemed as if the universe was playing a cruel joke on him. Mere weeks after removing Sonny from his life, his photo stared out at him from every newsstand and bodega. “It was a big win.”
“Liv and the team did most of the work.” Sonny waved it off, ever humble, as the bartender sat two bottles of beer in front of him.
The sight of the bottles next to one another on the sleek bar had the golf ball returning to Rafael’s throat. He didn’t think that Sonny would be double fisting at a political fundraiser, so that only left one conclusion. “Are you here with someone?”
“Oh, uh, yeah.” An all too familiar flush started to work its way up Sonny’s neck. “She was just checking in with the babysitter.”
Just as he said that, Rollins approached and Rafael felt his pulse start to return to normal - of course Sonny was here with Amanda. That was until she looped her arm through Sonny’s, an intimate move, even for them. “Oh, hey, Barba.” Upon realizing it was Rafael he was speaking with, she slowly slid her arm from Sonny’s, as if to not bring attention to it. She at least gave him the courtesy of looking somewhat ashamed.
“Rollins,” Rafael said as cordially as his emotions would allow, but his eyes never left Sonny’s. Months of stress, weeks of fighting, all came flashing back to him in an instant.
“I, uh, think I’ll give the two of you a minute.” It was out of character for Amanda to avoid conflict rather than dive head first into it, but the look on Rafael’s face must have had her thinking that even she didn’t want in the middle of this. “It was good to see you, Barba…” Her voice trailed off toward the end, as if realizing how ridiculous she sounded, and she grabbed her beer from the bar, disappearing into the crowd.
“Look, Raf, it’s not what you—” Sonny started once Amanda was out of earshot, but Rafael interrupted him.
“You know, sometimes it really sucks to always be right.”
Usually on nights like tonight, and they were getting to be more frequent, Rafael would go to bed early, would pretend to be asleep when Sonny’s key turned in the door, but not tonight. Tonight he waited on the couch, staring absentmindedly at an abstract painting on the wall, the first piece of art he’d bought years ago for his first adult apartment, drinking a tumbler of scotch.
He’d put this off for too long, letting it fester and grow inside him like a cancer until it took over every part of him. When he’d mentioned it in the past Sonny blew it off, acting like it was nothing, so he tried to convince himself he was overreacting, but he’d finally come to realize that it wasn’t an absurd request to be the number one person in his fiance’s life.
He had just refilled his glass from the bottle sitting on the coffee table when he heard the elevator ding down the hall and Sonny’s familiar footsteps. As the door opened he braced himself, a mix of an animal cornered in a cage and prize fighter preparing for battle.
“Hey,” Sonny said, somewhat surprised to find Rafael in the living room. “What are you still doing up?”
“My mother sends her regards.” Rafael’s voice was flat and Sonny’s face fell immediately, a sigh escaping his lips.
“I told you I was sorry about missing dinner, but her kitchen sink was broken.” Sonny sat in their armchair, seeming wary of joining Rafael on the couch.
“You’re a plumber now?” The sarcastic tone and raised eyebrow was a combo Rafael often saved for work, but he felt it was warranted in this instance.
“No, but I know the basics. Was I supposed to leave her without water?” Sonny sounded tired, but Rafael had been preparing for this all night and he wasn’t going to drop it now.
“No, you’re supposed to give her the number of a plumber.”
“I was trying to save her some money. I know if I’d loaned her some for a plumber you’d complain about that too.”
“She makes more than you do!”
“But she has two kids and I don’t.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Right, you figured out my deep dark secret.” Sonny laid the sarcasm on thick. “Amanda’s kids are really mine.”
“That’s not what I meant, but now that you mention it, it could be true for all I know.”
“Oh for fucks sake, Raf. If you’re going to be ridiculous, I’m going to bed.”
“All I’m asking is to be your priority.”
Sonny had started to stand, but something in Rafael’s voice had him sitting back down in the chair.
“You are my priority,” he said with conviction. And then, “But she’s raising two kids by herself. I’m her best friend. Am I just not supposed to help when I have the ability to?”
“That’s it, isn’t it?” A lightbulb went off for Rafael. Something that he’d probably known for awhile now, but hadn’t really allowed to bubble to the surface. Because the truth of it meant that this couldn’t be fixed. “She needs your help.”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I’ve been saying.” Sonny ran a frustrated hand over his face.
“No, she needs your help. She needs Sonny Carisi to come running to her rescue at every turn and I don’t. She satisfies your hero complex and I don’t.”
Sonny frowned. “I don’t have a hero complex.”
A laugh escaped Rafael’s throat, but there was no humor in it. “You’re kidding me right? Detective Carisi to the rescue! And then ADA Carisi to the rescue! You’re still swinging off fire escapes and rescuing victims when you’re not even a cop anymore!
“Your entire life is built around saving people - victims, your sisters, Amanda, but not me. I don’t need saving and that makes me unappealing to you.”
“You think you’re not appealing to me? I moved in with you, I asked you to marry me. I love you.”
Rafael shook his head. “That may all be true, but it will never be enough. Think about it, Sonny. When did we first get together?”
He thought a moment and then his face darkened. He spoke reluctantly, his voice low. “The death threats.”
“Exactly. And I’m not in danger anymore. I’m no longer a mess who quit my job and floundered trying to find my footing. My practice is up and running. Everything is going well, so that’s why you’re running off to her every time she calls. She’s a mess and there’s nothing you find more attractive than a mess.”
“This is completely off base and unfair. I shouldn’t be punished for being a good friend.”
“You’re not being punished, Sonny. But I’m also done letting you punish me.” All the anger and fight had left him, and now Rafael just felt raw around the edges. The urge to be done with this and to be alone overwhelmed him. “Can you please just go?”
“No, I’m not going anywhere. This is our apartment and-”
“It is? I must have missed your name on the lease.” It was a low blow, Rafael knew, but it did the trick. Sonny silently stood and walked for the door.
“I guess I’ll come by tomorrow and get some of my stuff,” he said to Rafael’s back. He was met with silence.
When the door finally clicked shut, Rafael felt his shoulders fall, almost as if he’d been deflated. He picked up his glass that he’d put down at some point during the conversation and drained what was left of the amber liquid.
“I crashed with her when you kicked me out and-” Sonny was saying now, in the present.
“Oh please,” Rafael interrupted again. “Don’t tell me there was nothing there until I sent you into her arms. The cliches are just piling up and I don’t have the stomach for it.”
“I just need you to know that I wasn’t cheating on you. I never cheated on you. I loved you.”
Rafael hated the way his chest tightened at those words. “Forgive me if I don’t find that comforting at all. And none of it really matters now, does it?”
“It matters. You always mattered.”
“You know, I think I’ve had about as much fun as I can take for one evening. I’m sure the mayor will forgive me for cutting out early.” He started to walk away, but then paused, leaning in toward Sonny’s ear. “Just don’t fix her too much, Sonny, or you’ll get bored with her too.”