Work Text:
First things first
We start the scene in reverse
Backpedaling from where I ran down the stairwell of your apartment, unslamming that door that hit you, taking back all those words ripped from my throat. Taking back all that pain I caused, all the hurt I never intended, all the lies I screamed because the truth hurts so much more. But if that’s true then why are tears drip drip dripping down my face quicker than the words tore from my mouth at you?
All of the lines rehearsed
Disappeared from my mind
Yells of “why do you care?” and screams of “I have nothing to repent for!” and cries lies of “I don’t need you, Leorio.” How did such venom drip from my lips like honey straight from the comb? “Just stop.” I told him even though that’s the last thing I want. “I don’t need your help.” Yes I do, I do. I can’t do this. I’m… dying. And I know he can’t save me, not even a doctor in training has a chance at helping me. But part of me is envious of my Clanmates for dying together, not… not like me.
When things got loud
Both of us screamed at the top of our lungs. Even my eyes were the ‘loudest’ shade of red he had claimed to have ever seen. He always said it was glowing like an Exit sign. How fitting. Life loves to be painfully ironic like that. Like how it was a puppet of Pairo to steal my eyes, like how it was getting back identical eyes that made this all happen. That in trying to build a life worthy of living, a life I avenge my Clan, I gave away any chance of that happening. Every second I spent for them was another hour taken away from me. It was never an ‘us’ after my Clan was taken, just a me versus them. And I lose in every scenario.
One of us running out
It’s me. It’s always me running out, running away. I’m always the one with my back to him, always within sight but out of his gasp. His fingers grazing on my tabard but never enough to latch on, to keep me from escaping. In all our fights and screaming matches, it’s never been him walking out on it, on us.
Even before Leorio I’ve always been the one to run away first. I always told myself I was running towards the fight, but really I’m just listening to my cowardice. I left my Clan, I ran away, only to come back and then leave again. Coming and going and yet I always seem to be doing more going.
I should've turned around
But I had too much pride
That’s always my problem, isn’t it? Pride? We almost did not even become friends because I was too prideful and immature to simply call him ‘Mr. Leorio.’ It wasn’t cheeky, it was just stupid of me. Uppity. And then when all I had to do was repent, I chose to fight him during a deadly storm.
And that was only the first of many times my pride stood in the way of any logic, of any kindness. I turned my back even when I know he begged Melody to take care of me. I ignored his every call even when my phone was in my hand. And I ran down his apartment stairs even as he called out my name.
No time for goodbyes
Not now, not anymore. I had a million and one chances before, but I’m out of time. If I had even just picked up the phone a single time then I know this wouldn’t be the ending. Leorio would have convinced me to get help before I was too far gone. But that’s why I never hit ‘answer’ because I knew he would save me. And I couldn’t have that.
Here I am in the wake of my decisions. Just a corpse out of time. A breathing yet dead body waiting for death to consume me. I knew Emperor’s’s Time would take its toll, but this? Slumped on the ground barely breathing as I inch towards a relief I know will never come? That’s not what I wanted.
I used to fantasize death. But now that I’m at it’s door, I know it’s not the much needed exhale I’ve dreamed of. Perhaps I’ll be blind like my brethren, or perhaps they’ll pluck out my eyes. I’d tear them out myself and hand them over if it meant my Clanmates could see the afterlife they’ve spent far too long in the dark in.
Didn't get to apologize
I never did repent. And gods know I should have. To Melody and Killua and Gon but Leorio most of all. It’s always Leorio. If I could have even one more minute, I would apologize. I would repent for being such a gods awful friend. I would apologize for leaving again and again when all my broken heart wanted to do was stay. I would say sorry for ignoring every call, even when I listened to every voicemail and read each text. I would repent for letting my rage consume me. I would apologize for using Emperor’s’s Time, for taking away any chance at them knowing how sorry I am.
Pieces of a clock that lies broken
My clock has always been counting down, rather than up. I used to think that countdown began the day my clan was slaughtered, but really it had started the day I was born. I was always destined for a demise of this sort. Alone and crying and broken by my own doing.
If I could take us back, if I could just do that
And write in every empty space the words "I love you" in replace
I would scream ‘I love you’ instead of ‘I don’t need you.’ I would cry ‘I love you’ instead of ‘just go away.’ I would whimper ‘I love you’ instead of ‘you aren’t useful to me.’ I would whisper ‘I love you’ in place of ‘I hate you.’
Then maybe Time would not erase me
I used to think it would be the clock of life to tick down to a stop on me, but no it was my own Emperors Time to do me in. My own Time is erasing me from everyone’s lives. From Leorio’s…
If you could only know I'd never let you go
If I had one more chance, I would have hugged Leorio back instead of pushing him away. I would have wrapped my arms around his neck and forced our bodies impossibly closer. I would have relished in his arms around my waist and I would have fallen asleep with him holding me. I would have woken up in the night just to slip back into unconsciousness upon realizing he was still embracing me. I would have loved him like he loved me.
And the words I most regret are the ones I never meant to leave
If I had known the last thing I would say to the man who retaught me what love is would be “you can’t save me” I never would have stepped out that door. How could I not be a monster when I told someone who dreams of saving every kid in the world that he can’t save someone he loves? That he has to watch another person deteriorate in front of his eyes and he’s helpless to stop it? How am I any better than the Spider’s when I ruin just as many lives?
Unsaid Kurapika
I clenched my hand over my chest, as if that would make my breathing any easier. When I began my use of Emperor’s’s time, I assumed I would die while using it. That I would black out again but just never wake up again. Or that I would simply drop dead, plain and simply. But this? Slowly wheezing my last moments away, feeling myself inching towards the clutches of death? This hurts more than any hell in the religions I never believed in.
Silent days, mysteries and mistakes
Who'd be the first to break?
I believe we both knew it would be me. I was broken years before I met Leorio, just a shell of a person who was already filled with rage long before I had any right to be. And every day I just got closer to the final snap. Until the last piece of my shell finally turned to dust with no one around to see it. No one but me and my godsdamn Scarlet Eyes.
Guess we're alike that way
Leorio said once he was a broken person years prior to when met. That he snapped the day he watched Pietro pass on.
He said, they said
Conversations in my head
They were less conversations, and more him trying to make me see reason and me screaming in his face like the demon I am.
And my new conversations, the dreamed up confessions of love between apologies and whispers of adoration… he’ll never hear them. Even if I wanted to, gods I want to, I ran out of energy long ago. There’s no way for me to be able to call him now. We’ll never have that last conversation.
And that's just where they're gonna stay forever
Screams and repents and affirmations all bouncing around a soon to be eyeless skull. Just another curse, a Kurtan death always leads to perpetual Scarlet Eyes. It’s almost as if we were meant to be on display, but not even the darkest parts of me can accept that. That the Spiders could be right in any of their beliefs.
If I could take us back, if I could just do that
And write in every empty space the words "I love you" in replace
I would say ‘I love you’ instead of every insult, every mock, every other word. I would scream it louder than any cruelties I may have yelled. I would cry it harder than anything else, making sure he heard me across the world if necessary.
Then maybe Time would not erase me
If I had just picked up the phone, then I wouldn’t be here. If I had let him hold me instead of pushing him away, I wouldn’t be sitting in a grimy alley. If I hadn’t turned my back on the only living man to love me then I wouldn’t be dying.
If you could only know I'd never let you go
If I got a do over, I would chose Leorio every time. I wouldn’t have left in Yorknew, or before that, or after that. I would not have left after he helped me get my eyes back. I wouldn’t have left even after he saved me from the puppet of Pairo. I wouldn’t have left even after he helped me get my nen back. I wouldn’t have left after he chose me again and again. And this time, I would chose him. Every time.
And the words I most regret are the ones I never meant to leave
Unsaid Kurapika
When I find my family in the afterlife, I’m sure I’ll spend the rest of eternity telling them of Leorio. Though I know they are watching down on me, if I can’t tell the man himself of my love then I will tell everyone else.
If I could take us back, if I could just do that
And write in every empty space the words "I love you" in replace
I would say ‘I love you’ until my dying breath. Which, if I had chosen him, wouldn’t have been so soon. It would not have been like this. Nothing would have been like this.
Then maybe Time would not erase me
I deserve to be erased. I hurt the only person who dared get close enough to love such a broken person like me. I broke his heart a thousand more times than mine was. Maybe this will be a relief to him.
But I know Leorio well enough that that could never be true…
If you could only know I'd never let you go
But I need to let him go now. As Time catches up, I need to let go.
And the words I most regret are the ones I never meant to leave
“I love you…” but I know I’m too far gone for Leorio to hear.
Unsaid Kurapika