Work Text:
Close the book before it turns to tragedy
You closed our book even quicker than you did those dozen novels you read while we waited to finish stage three of the Hunter Exam. You closed it before we even finished filling out the pages, now we can never know how many more chapters we could have had together. “I need to go, Leorio,” your voice was so firm. No hint of hesitation.
Did it hurt that much to share a pen with me? Now it’s just smeared ink and clumped pages as the paper soaks with tears you’re not here to see.
My crying has never had the underlying prettiness yours has, if you actually let out your tears for once. Your tears glimmer in red speckled reflections of your eyes, though no mirror can show how breathtaking your iris’s really are. There’s no question how they’re one of the seven most beautiful colors in the world. Though I can’t help but wonder how they’re not called the number one most gorgeous color, because they’re my favorite shade.
Tear the tree house down, give up the fantasy
You knew it was merely a fantasy, didn’t you? You never told me that, you let me pretend a happy ending is more than just fiction. “Why?” I've never had your resolve. “Why can’t you just stay for once in your life, Kurapika?” You know I’m not above begging. I’m not above anything if it’ll keep you from leaving, even just a moment longer.
Nothin' to regret, since the day we met
As much as it breaks my heart, I can’t find it in me to regret a single second. I’ll never regret meeting you on that stupid boat, even if I may regret how much I riled you up. I really was an idiot to start such petty fights over nothing but my fragile pride. I’m only a year older than you, there really was no reason for you to call me ‘Mr.’
“This isn’t a breakup, Leorio.” That hit me like a slap in the face, harder than even Hinata hit me back in Stage One. “You can’t break up if you were never together.” Like hell you can’t.
Glad we took a chance makin' our own world
Fists clenched, eyes narrowed, “that’s bullshit and you know it,” I seethed, “you damn well know what this is, what we are. Stop trying to devalue both of our feelings,” I demanded, no sympathy left in my voice. “Just because you only show up once in a fucking blue moon doesn’t mean we didn’t work for this, for a life together!” I shouted, though it’s nowhere near as loud as he knows I can get, “we built something together and you have no right to act like that’s nothing.” Not even you have that right. “It’s not nothing to me and I sure as hell know it’s not nothing to you.”
You can’t act like you’re an unfeeling bastard with me. I know you better than that, you little shit. I know you better than any other living being on this god forsaken planet.
Perfectly imperfect like it had to be
No matter how much you hurt me, I’ll never not see you as perfect. You’ve held hearts in your hands, literally and metaphorically. And you still hold mine. You’ve murdered in cold blood. The goddamn day I met you, your suicidal ass said your greatest fear was your rage dwindling. And somehow my stupid ass fell in love, and I’ve been falling harder every day since. Falling faster than we did on Split Mountain together.
He closed his eyes, taking a shaky breath, surely forcing his eyes back to brown. Or rather, grey, because of his contacts. “I’m not trying to repent, I’m saying goodbye.”
My voice lowered, but did not soften, “I didn’t ask you to apologize, you idiot. I asked you to fucking stay.” Hands trembling, eyes fixated on yours, bated breath. No matter how many times we’ve had this same argument, I can’t give up that easily.
“You know I can’t do that.”
Who thought that one first kiss
Would turn into two heartbreaks?
If I had known that kissing you that one night would have lead to this, I still would have done it. And as much as you keep your face stoic and your voice even, not even your contacts can hide the hurt in your eyes. Your heart is damaged and not just because of the stupid dagger you placed inside yourself.
Tears drip drip drip, but not even that phases you anymore, “will you never let yourself be happy?” I asked as if we both don’t know the answer. “Don’t say bullshit that you don’t deserve to, you know better than anyone Pairo would want you to be happy more than he would ever want vengeance.”
That was what got a genuine reaction, “don’t say his name!” You haven’t yelled at me in so long. At least you’re letting yourself feel…
'Cause, since we were young, I swore
I'd never walk away
I’ll never be the one to turn my back on you, I’ll never be the one to close my door. I’ll never make you go to voicemail, as if you’d ever call me. “You’re only mad because you know I’m right. No one wants this, except you.” I won’t leave you behind when I know there won’t be anyone else to stitch you back up. No one else will wipe your brow and lower your fever when you push yourself too far. “But is vengeance what you really want or is it what you think you deserve?”
Eyes clenched shut, refusing to release the Scarlet we both know lies beneath your thin eyelids, “I can’t abandon my clan while they venture the afterlife blind.”
“And I can’t abandon you while you kill yourself in our world,” I reached out, hand gently grasping yours. “I know nothing I say will work, but I’ll never stop trying.” I can’t say when this insistent need began, but I know it will never cease. I’ll never stop giving you reasons to stop saying goodbye. “I’ll be here when you come back.” I can’t dare let myself think in ‘if’s.’
I love you so much that I've gotta let you go
He squeezed my hand precisely once before dropping it, leaving it colder than ever. “Melody will inform you if an incident occurs that you should know of,” he finally opened his eyes. No hint of Scarlet, not even a hue of pink to be seen.
I know the answer by now, but I couldn’t help but ask, “why can’t it be you to tell me?” Why can’t it be you to respond to my messages? Why can’t you be the one to tell me when you’re sick and hurt and needing a doctor? Why can’t you just be honest with me when you need help? Why can’t you at least tell me you’re alive even if nothing else?
He sighed like a parent answering their quizzical child for the thousandth time that day, “that is not how this works.” But why can’t it be? Why can’t you change your protocols, even just a single time? Why does everything have to be breathless whispers passed in dark alleys, person to person until word finally reaches me?
It couldn't last forever
It never can with you. That’s just not what it’s like to love Kurapika. I can’t say I knew what I was signing up for, but I also can’t say I regret it. “I’ll still call you.” And I know you’ll still let me go to voicemail, until your inbox fills.
There was a ghost of a smile on his face, but it was more likely a trick of the light, “I know,” always one to pick the less emotional of replies. He’s distancing himself even as we stand in the same room.
And I hope you find better
I used to ask if you thought you’d be happier, when it’s all done. No matter how many times I asked, you never had the answer. It was always, ‘I’ll have redeemed my pride’ or ‘I’ll have fulfilled my gods given duty’ or ‘I’ll have relief I have not breathed in since the day I found their slaughtered remains.” You’ll never be able to answer a simple yes or no question, will you?
As if you don’t know, I still find myself saying, “I’ll let you know if I change where I’m staying, but I don’t plan on it. My door is always open to you.” And even if it wasn’t, I don’t have the heart to ever really lock you out.
Gaze cast down, “thank you for the generosity.” It’s not generous when it comes to you, it should just be a given. “I do need to depart now, however,” he’s never been one to break the news gently. “Farewell,” he had the audacity to try to end it like that .
I can't forget us, can't pretend we ain't broken
I reached out, grasping him by the waist, smirking at his small gasp, as if he couldn’t have stopped my movement if he had been determined to. “No goodbye kiss this time?” I teased, though there was no hiding the wateriness in my tone. “Just one more?” I asked softly, pulling him closer.
Cat eyes staring up past my glasses, “that hardly seems appropriate.”
Lips moving forward, almost brushing against his, “since when have I cared about being appropriate?” The only reply I cared about was in his actions. As much as I wanted to close the distance between our mouths, he knows very well I would not do that. He needs to want it first, he needs to put in as much as I am.
It was good together
And he did, slow and gentle and so fucking good his lips met mine. Even with his mouth chapped, it’ll never not feel soft to me. Lips moving in sync, almost teasingly slow, he holds all the cards. He chooses when we meet and when we pull apart.
And he always does pull away, almost regretfully. Almost. “I must leave now,” his breath is warm against my face as he stays in my grasp. Still facing me he stepped backwards, knowing as much I yearn to hold on I’ll let my hands drop back to my side as he pulls away.
Now I've gotta let you go
Closed doors never locked, footsteps fading so far not even Melody would be able to hear, ‘see you later’s’ whispered you didn’t acknowledge. Cries you’ll never know about, tears you’ll never be around to see, whimpers you may have even laughed at once upon a time. Bad days you won’t be able to kiss away, a cold bed you’re not here to warm, a broken heart you just continue to add fractures to. But I’ll keep doing this, going through this, as long as you’re in my life.
I'll always be in love with who you used to be
As much as I adore the Kurapika who I can still taste on my lips, I’d give anything to go back to the days we were on Zevil Island. When it was just the two of us, when I was able to make you smile with just a few words. When you actually sassed back at me, insisting on your higher intelligence. When you put everything aside to save my life, even at the cost of losing the Exam.
I’d even go back to the Kurapika that refused to call me ‘Mr. Leorio’ no matter how many times I snapped at you. The one who was ready to cut me down with your wooden swords in the middle of a storm. The one who spoke so dramatically I would have thought he was a theatre kid if I couldn’t tell how deadly serious he was. I’d give anything for the boy who smiled when I blushed and apologized when he was in the wrong. The one followed Gon on nothing but intrigue and was willing to sock me in the face if I broke my word.
I still dream of the Kurapika that put his life mission on hold to save Killua from his home, spending days training just to open a damn door. The Kurapika who was superior at that stupid coin ‘game’ and kept his cool even in the most infuriating situations. The Kurapika who was more than a mafia bodyguard, a faceless goon waiting for his chance to step up in the ranks. The boy who was more than just a pair of eyes searching for their match.
I'll save the photographs and keep the memories
Did you see the framed photo on my bedside table? I would have loved to tell you the story of how I convinced Gon to take a picture of the two of us without you noticing. Maybe I could have gotten a giggle out of you.
Do you see the photos I send? I won’t stop sending them, even if you’re not here to watch Gon and Killua grow up, you still deserve to see how they change. I didn’t get to ask if you wanted more, or if you wanted me to send less. I don’t think I have it in me to send you less pictures, though. There’s too many memories you’re missing out on. Have you even seen Alluka and Nanika yet?
The ribbon in your hair, the secrets that we shared
The way that you would stare at me across the room
I memorize how you look, how different your appearance is, every time we meet again. It’s like a new Kurapika every time. No more tabards and traditional Kurta coverings, only fitted suits and dark clothing. Your hair got longer, we didn’t have time to get you a haircut even if you wanted one. Is that why you put your hair back now? Because you can’t find the time to chop off a few inches?
There’s a million questions left unasked and unanswered.
No matter how many different Kurapika’s I’ve met, you still look at me relatively the same. There’s more guilt each time, but still a longing kind of love you’ll never allow yourself to quench. No amount of goodbye kisses could even place a bandaid on that kind of gash. Even our intimate nights you spend with me are merely temporary stitches to be ripped out when you give me yet another farewell.
We laughed until we cried, it feels like yesterday
It feels like lifetimes ago we used to laugh together, our little family of four. Gon’s antics never ceased to brighten your dark features. I never missed how Killua’s sass gave you that mischievous glint in your eyes when he sounded so much like you. Even I could make you giggle like a child every once in a while.
Who thought that one first kiss
Would turn into two heartbreaks?
At this point, I would say it's more than just two heartbreaks. Every time you turn your back on me feels like a whole new kind of severity, a fresh fracture. Every time you rekindle our relationship just mends my heart, just to get ready for the inevitable. You may have a single heartbreak that worsens with each coming and going, but mine is made anew every time.
'Cause, since we were young, I swore
That I'd never walk away
No matter how much it hurts, I just can’t leave. I can’t move on when I know you’re hurting out there, because if I give up on you who will you have left? Killua was never one to ask about you unless prompted. Alluka and Nanika don’t know you’re someone they should inquire about, how could they? Gon still does, that precious little kid is still holding onto hope for you no matter how dwindling. Even if his light guiding you home fades away, mine will just be stronger. You may be my neon red exit sign, but I’m your lighthouse.
I love you so much that I've gotta let you go
It couldn't last forever
I’ll never be able to make you stay, but you’re like a rubber band, the further you stretch away the harder you’ll snapback. I can only hope you don’t break the ties that hold us together. Because as tight as I held you last night, I knew you’d slip out of my arms at first light. Your quiet padding across the floor always wakes me up, I’m used to hearing out for your footsteps fading.
I don’t bother to ask where you're going anymore, but I know it’ll be somewhere I won't find you when I inevitably try to find you. I may not beg you to return every day like I used to, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to make sure you’re safe. I won’t dare think about what would happen if you didn’t have someone to attempt checking in on you.
And I hope you find better
I hope with everything in me that once all the Phantom Troupe members lie in shallow graves that you’ll stop looking over your shoulder at every breath. I can only hope once every last pair of Scarlet Eyes is within your safe care that your chest can finally lessen that tightness it holds. I can only hope you can smile again, maybe even laugh if we’re lucky.
I can't forget us, can't pretend we ain't broken
As much as I would love to pretend our relationship is healthy, I know it’s anything but ideal. Maybe it’s codependency, or maybe I’m just the dependent one. But at least I’m not the only one with a broken heart.
It was good together
Now I've gotta let you go
I watched you out the window as far as I could, letting you fade into the distance as tears blurred my vision. I’ll just have to wait until you’ll walk back into my apartment, tears blurring my vision for a different reason.
I'm pickin' up pieces left and right
Now that our hearts are both untied
With a sigh I made our my bed, untangling the sheets you hogged last night. I fluffed the pillow you soaked with your wet hair. (Who the hell goes to bed without towel drying their hair at the very least after a shower?) I threw the pajamas you borrowed into the overflowing laundry basket, how do you always manage to come on laundry day?
With a huff I gathered the dishes you left behind, trying not to bite my lip at the excess of food you didn’t eat. I'll make sure to text you Melody to ensure you eat more before you pass out. Again.
It'll take time, it'll take time
No one can say we didn't try
No matter what anyone says, I know you did try. You didn’t send countless texts or inbox filling levels of voicemails but you held me tight and whispered confessions I’ll never betray by repeating. Not even back to you. I may send you hundreds of pictures of me and the kids, but you’ll never be able to convince me you’re not the one who gave Melody my phone number for updates.
I'll think of these days all my life
I still wake up in the night reaching out a hand to your side of the bed, grasping for your cold little body. I still keep a stock of jasmine tea, always ready for when you visit. I still text you reminders to give your chest a break from your binder. Whenever I see a blond head in the distance, I’m always standing there with bated breath until I see their face.
It'll take time, it'll take time
It always does, with you. And as much as it aches, as it makes my chest clench, I can’t say it’s not worth it. Everything with you is worth it even if it stings.
Your biggest fear may be the rage inside you quieting over the years, but mine is my love for you fading into non existence. That I’ll no longer have dreams of you promising to stay, and actually keeping your word. That I will no longer have a plethora of tea in the cupboard. That I’ll no longer wonder if you’re wearing your binder too long. That my chest will not ache anymore when I hear your name.
I love you so much that I've gotta let you go
But that doesn’t mean I won’t be here with open arms when you knock on my door again. I’ll still have your toothbrush in it’s holder, your side of the bed ready for you. I’ll still have an extra pair of pajamas in case there’s a surprise sleepover to occur. I’ll still be here.
It couldn't last forever
And I hope you find better, yeah
I’ll never want anything but the best for you, Kurapika.
I can't forget us, can't pretend we ain't broken
It was good together
Now I've gotta let you go